Question for those who leave the house for work

[Amethyst]

As some of you may remember from my furlough thread, I will finally be going back to work after SEVEN months of furlough due to covid. My wonderful husband is understandably concerned for my health and his own (he is male, over 60, mild asthma) but I’m reasonably confident on our PPE protocols and am willing to take the chance. 
 

Our compromise (7 long months and many arguments in the making) has been that I will quarantine from him after I go back (3 days from now). Separate bedroom, 6 feet distance, yes masks in the house if we must be close. I’ll be changing at work (I’m a dentist in a dental hygiene clinic). 
 

Here’s my question: Have any of you dealt with this, and if so, how long did it last? I have a sister who has been working all along (WITH covid pts in hospital!) and she and her dh distanced themselves for a while, but she admitted that it only lasted about 3 weeks before they started acting normal again. (But when I mention this to dh, he says he doesn’t want to become complacent like them.) Have any of you tried to distance from your own husbands? 😢 

[Laura Corin]

I have gone back to work but mine is not hands-on like yours.  As an administrator I wear a mask,  keep my hands and environment clean,  keep the windows open and socially distance in the office. My husband and I do not distance ourselves. 

[Alice]

I’m a pediatrician. Dh and I have never isolated from each other or the kids. In all honesty, I worry much less about catching Covid at work in a professional setting than I would at the grocery store or out in public somewhere where people are walking around unmasked and I have no idea if they have symptoms and what their level of safety is. We see people sick all the time in my office but I’m wearing proper PPE when I do so. And our patients all have masks on. None of the nurses/docs in our office distance from loved ones at home. 

Dh does have pre-existing conditions that make him higher risk. Two of my kids have asthma, which isn’t really a major risk factor even though it seems it should be. 

That doesn’t really answer your question, I know. Just another perspective. 

[Amethyst]

The fact that dental hygiene was named most dangerous profession doesn’t help 

[Liz CA]

Dh and I have both worked all the way through COVID. He is always fully dressed up in PPE as part of his work (unless he is in his office) and we wear masks in the common areas but don't have to in our personal offices / at our desks. Client care has been almost exclusively via telehealth so it doesn't seem heightened risk. An employee goes around every hour to disinfect door knobs and every piece of equipment that can be wiped down.

Dh and I never masked at home or distanced. I know this is poo-pood'd by some but we do try to keep our immune system in good shape with appropriate supplements and adequate sleep.

[Amethyst]

His answer to the relationship question is: If it’s interfering with the relationship, then you might have to quit.

Erg!!! 

[regentrude]

No. My husband and I both go to work. He has been back since May. We are both college instructors. We wear masks on campus or face shields (while teaching), distance at work, practice hand hygiene. At home, we don't mask or distance from each other. My sister is a doctor in a hospital and doesn't distance from her partner.

I do not know anybody who distances from their spouses/partners who live in the same household as a matter of routine just because they work. I cannot envision this to be sustainable long term.

Edited October 10, 2020 by regentrude

[brehon]

I work in healthcare and have been around CV+ patients too many times to count, including performing multiple AGPs over the past 8 or so months. I don’t now and never have isolated myself from my family, even during the worst of initial peak. Nor have I worn masks in my house. Isolating yourself like that really isn’t necessary; I mean, the dentist you work for will provide PPE, right?

Honestly, I think your dh is being unreasonable. You simply can’t quarantine from your husband. That’s not even recommended by the CDC except in cases of exposure. For comparison, my dh is 61 and had a heart attack 6 years ago. 

Edited October 10, 2020 by brehon

[Amethyst]

56 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

Dh and I have both worked all the way through COVID. He is always fully dressed up in PPE as part of his work (unless he is in his office) and we wear masks in the common areas but don't have to in our personal offices / at our desks. 

 

I feel like I will be going above and beyond what is necessary (n95, surgical mask, AND faceshield at ALL times when in the building including my own private office), but that’s not even enough to make him feel comfortable. And of course I can’t guarantee anything right? 
 

It’s just very frustrating. 

[Amethyst]

16 minutes ago, regentrude said:

No. My husband and I both go to work. He has been back since May. We are both college instructors. 

I cannot envision this to be sustainable long term.

Part of the problem is the nature of my work. Tons of aerosols flying. College professors  not likely exposed to the same aerosols. 
 

I 100% agree that it’s not sustainable. I’m just wondering how long it will take for him to realize it. 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, Amethyst said:

Part of the problem is the nature of my work. Tons of aerosols flying. College professors  not likely exposed to the same aerosols. 

But I assume you will be in full PPE, with an N95 mask and a face shield (and not like us who wear either a cloth mask or a faceshield)?

Edited October 10, 2020 by regentrude

[Amethyst]

12 minutes ago, brehon said:

I work in healthcare and have been around CV+ patients too many times to count, including performing multiple AGPs over the past 8 or so months. I don’t now and never have isolated myself from my family, even during the worst of initial peak. Nor have I worn masks in my house. Isolating yourself like that really isn’t necessary; I mean, the dentist you work for will provide PPE, right?

Honestly, I think your dh is being unreasonable. You simply can’t quarantine from your husband. That’s not even recommended by the CDC except in cases of exposure. For comparison, my dh is 61 and had a heart attack 6 years ago. 

My sister DID isolate at the beginning But it only lasted 2-3 weeks. 
 

The dental hygiene school where I work will provide some PPE but not N95s (maybe kn-95s). I bought an ENVO mask for myself which has replaceable n95 filters, just to be safer. 
 

I think he is being unreasonable too. 😞 But I can’t guarantee that I’m right. 

Edited October 10, 2020 by Amethyst

[Soror]

My husband has worked throughout as he was deemed essential and didn't have the option to stay at home (now dh's job is not *essential* really but our state's definition was far more inclusive than other places). He's not separated from us, even though he has far more exposure than me. Isolating from a family member in your home stinks to high heaven. We just finished isolation for ds who tested positive. No way we could do that long term and not go crazy, not touching, staying 6 ft apart, ds was isolated to his bedroom and bathroom downstairs. I tried it to isolate from dh after ds' diagnosis due to him having greater contact with ds, we made it 3 or 4 days. It is hard on a relationship, hard on mental health. I would have a hard time with this as I wouldn't want to dismiss my husband's concern but that is a hard thing to keep up.

Edited October 10, 2020 by Soror

[brehon]

12 minutes ago, Amethyst said:

My sister DID isolate at the beginning But it only lasted 2-3 weeks. 
 

The dental hygiene school where I work will provide some PPE but not N95s (maybe kn-95s). I bought an ENVO mask for myself which has replaceable n95 filters, just to be safer. 
 

I think he is being unreasonable too. 😞 But I can’t guarantee that I’m right. 

Any medical/dental setting really needs to provide either properly fitted N95s or KN95s plus eye protection (safety glasses or full face shield). Gloves are a given. The Envo mask is good. Many of my colleagues use it as their “regular mask” (as opposed to a fitted N95 or fitted half-face respirator for suspected or known CV patients). You could even snag a surgical mask and place it over the front of the Envo mask for extra protection and just change it regularly (meaning every day or whenever it became grossly contaminated). (Pro tip: wear a surgical cap with buttons on the sides to loop the surg mask on. This has saved my ears!) 

I know medical personnel in different areas isolated themselves from their families when they were treating CV+ patients. And I can’t say it was the wrong decision for them in all cases as I don’t know their stories. But, as your sister found out, it’s HARD and unsustainable. I know your dh is concerned; mine is as well. However, I simply won’t be treated like a leper in my house.

And you may well have an exposure or even test positive at some point due to a PPE breach. They happen even when you’re very careful. And, just so you know (in case you don’t), for HCW being around a known positive CV patient while wearing appropriate PPE is NOT considered an exposure unless there is a breach of some sort.

 I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. 

[Amethyst]

1 minute ago, brehon said:

Any medical/dental setting really needs to provide either properly fitted N95s or KN95s plus eye protection (safety glasses or full face shield). Gloves are a given. The Envo mask is good. Many of my colleagues use it as their “regular mask” (as opposed to a fitted N95 or fitted half-face respirator for suspected or known CV patients). You could even snag a surgical mask and place it over the front of the Envo mask for extra protection and just change it regularly 

 I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. 

I ABSOLUTELY WILL wear a surgical mask over the Envo. That’s a given - there's a valve so it’s necessary. But even if it wasn’t necessary, I would be double masking. The issue isn’t the PPE. I have way more than enough. The issue is that my way-more-than-enough PPE isn’t enough for dh. 
 

Thank you!

[Liz CA]

1 hour ago, Amethyst said:

I feel like I will be going above and beyond what is necessary (n95, surgical mask, AND faceshield at ALL times when in the building including my own private office), but that’s not even enough to make him feel comfortable. And of course I can’t guarantee anything right? 
 

It’s just very frustrating. 

You truly cannot control everything. This is something I am very aware of. I feel I take precautions but I also know I am not in control of every facet of life.

You will be really going the extra mile with n95 + face shield. The face shield is more comfortable to me than the mask if I have to wear protection for a longer time than it takes to go to the copy machine. 

BTW, dh and I are roughly in your dh's age group - mid to late fifties.

[DawnM]

Yes, I started back, with students, in Aug. I am a school counselor.   Right now we have around 600 kids in the building each day as some opted for virtual only and the rest were split, so some come M-Tue and the rest Wed-Th.

My husband and I don't social distance.

[Ottakee]

My friend is a doctor.  Her job since this started is to run the covid clinic in her rural family practice.  That means she is the point person for all covid patients and potential covid patients in their region.

She has 2 kids that are post transplant....one young adult bone marrow 4 1/2 years ago, and the other an intestinal transplant 8 year old that was very medical fragile.   

She did not isolate at home.  I believe she changed clothes before coming home.  

Sounds like you will be taking a lot of precautions at work and changing clothes.  Unless you have a Known exposure, I would feel comfortable at home with normal, basic hygiene and cleaning.

[Tap]

Dh, ds and I all work, and don't do any of that. We wear masks at work and in the community. We use hand sanitizer when we enter our cars. I try to make sure everyone washed their hands when they come inside, but I don't micromanage it.  The only times we quarantined, was when dh went to Sturgis and when he went on vacation with friends. I made him stay on the boat and quarantine a few times but it was for elective exposures, not work related. 

Edited October 11, 2020 by Tap

[Tiberia]

Dh is a mailman, I'm a caregiver, and dd16 works at an assisted living place. We all wear masks at work. We all wash our hands a lot. We haven't isolated from each other. Masks and hand washing have been enough, but we have not been around any known Covid cases at work. 

[wathe]

Echoing PP's:  I'm a frontline healthcare worker (emergency dept).  I have not isolated from family.  It's simply not sustainable long term, and I am well protected (relative to in the community) at work with PPE and other IPAC processes.

I have made some changes:  I shower immediately after work (either at work, or immediately upon coming home).  I sleep in my own space (my own room) - but I did this relatively frequently pre-covid because of shift work, so, it's not actually a big change.   Other than that, no isolation.  I still hug and kiss the kids and the hubby.

I will note that standard hospital PPE here is surgical mask (NOT N95) and eye protection for every non-respiratory illness patient, and surgical mask, eye protection, gown and gloves for respiratory illness patients (even for known covid positive patients).  N95 are strictly reserved for use during aerosol generating medical procedures.  This is province-wide.  Our hospital has not had a positive case among clinical staff (many of whom have logged many, many hours caring for covid patients).  We have had positive cases among non-clinical staff, which were declared to be community acquired.  This reinforces to me that I am more likely to catch covid in the community (grocery store, informal social gathering) than I am at work, and makes me feel better about not isolating from family because of work.

Edited October 11, 2020 by wathe

[AmandaVT]

I'm a special educator and DH is a therapist. I have been back to 5 days a week in person school since early Sept, and DH began seeing some clients in person around the same time. We both mask and wash hands. We both feel as safe as we can with the precautions in place. We had two cases in a school in our district a few weeks ago. There was no spread in the school, thankfully! 

Our dentist bought Medify air purifiers for each room in her office (including the bathroom and reception). She highly recommended them and DH and I each bought one for our offices. Last week, our school custodian walked around the school testing the air quality in each room. He came into my room and was totally surprised at the air quality - he said my room had by far the best quality in the school. And I'm in the basement with no windows. That gave me hope that the air purifier is helping.

We have this one, but they make larger ones too, depending on your room size. 

 

[sassenach]

Can you access weekly testing? I know not every place is like where I live but I’m in healthcare and can get tested weekly. 
 

In one sense, your dh is right in that you will be overexposed, even compared to most healthcare workers. In the other sense, I don’t think quitting or forever distancing are reasonable options. He can’t make you quit and you can’t make him be ok with your exposure, so it sounds like you’re going to have to live with the distancing for as long as he needs you to. 

[Carrie12345]

We don’t really have extraordinary risk factors, so I’m irrelevant on that front. Dd doesn’t have a high patient load, but she’s in ambulances with people and then in and out of ER spaces regularly.  At home, we go about life as usual.  

[Wheres Toto]

I'm sorry, it does sound like your husband is being a little unreasonable in his expectations.   I agree with MedicMom that unfortunately this is likely to be with us for a while.  

Dh has been working this whole time but mostly at home.  When he does go in, he works in a lab with a limited number of people, everyone wearing masks and being very careful.   

I started back at work in September.  I teach small group science classes.  I wear a face shield, everyone is wearing masks or shields, we have air purifiers in the rooms, wipe down tables between classes, lots of hand washing, etc.   My kids are there two days a week as well, both are teenagers and good about masks, handwashing, etc. 

It would be impossible for us to isolate at home.  We have a very small house with only one bathroom, but we haven't even really considered trying to isolate.  I guess if one of us came up positive we might try but by that point it's likely too late anyway.

[Amethyst]

1 hour ago, sassenach said:

In one sense, your dh is right in that you will be overexposed, even compared to most healthcare workers. In the other sense, I don’t think quitting or forever distancing are reasonable options. He can’t make you quit and you can’t make him be ok with your exposure, so it sounds like you’re going to have to live with the distancing for as long as he needs you to. 

Thank you for understanding my dilemma!!

[Pippen]

This is an unprecedented situation for most families, and I tend to lean towards doing what we can to make others feel physically and emotionally safe.

Comfort levels don't usually shift overnight. I know how nervous I was during lockdown when my husband was working out of the house, first with a handful of people and then even more so later with the general public. How anxious I was about going to the grocery stores at first. Then most recently how hard it was to face down those fears and return to teaching full time in person. It wasn't crippling anxiety, but each time there was a new hurdle to overcome in terms of my comfort level. 

I think it's good for you to recognize what he needs from you in order to feel safe right now. Taking extra precautions (changing at work, showering when you get home, etc) and staying well will likely help him feel more comfortable and relax some of those restrictions. 

[katilac]

My dh has been back at work for a good while now. His exposure risk is different - it's not healthcare or literally being in someone's face, lol, but it's not ideal because he sees numerous different groups of people spread across three states with no masks or social distancing (not his choice, and he is good about doing what he can). We don't try to distance, and our house setup would make it really hard anyway. We do both have at least one risk factor. 

17 hours ago, Amethyst said:

His answer to the relationship question is: If it’s interfering with the relationship, then you might have to quit.

I'm assuming you don't want to quit, but would it even be a long-term option financially? If your finances would take a hard hit, that's a very practical reason to work. My dh certainly can't quit. To be clear, I support your decision to work even if y'all can make it without your salary, I just think it might make a good talking point. 

For most women of an age to be married for 30 years, quitting a good job is a very bad idea in the financial long term, even if you don't 'need' the salary right at this moment. And of course work can be an important part of your life and identity either way. Although work is central to the way many men view themselves, they often have trouble seeing that it can be the same for the women in their lives. 

2 hours ago, sassenach said:

He can’t make you quit and you can’t make him be ok with your exposure, so it sounds like you’re going to have to live with the distancing for as long as he needs you to. 

Yes, I would just start by distancing as requested and see how it goes. You might also try to list things that might make dh more comfortable as time goes by. Immediate shower and change of clothes, maybe putting work clothes in a bag or straight into washing machine. Checklist for cleaning high touch surfaces. Open windows when weather permits. Air filters. 

[Amethyst]

6 hours ago, katilac said:

I'm assuming you don't want to quit, but would it even be a long-term option financially? If your finances would take a hard hit, that's a very practical reason to work. My dh certainly can't quit. To be clear, I support your decision to work even if y'all can make it without your salary, I just think it might make a good talking point. 

Correct, I do not want to quit. I really really enjoy my job. I look forward to going to work on Mondays - I never expected that I would feel that way about a job. I loved raising my kids. My biggest ambition was not being a dentist - it was being a mother. I had 16 beautiful years of homeschooling. I only ever did dentistry part-time during those years but always kept my license active. It was just a job. But now I’m TEACHING students of dental hygiene and what a fit! I love being with the young people, I love the patients, I love learning new things myself, I have coworkers I enjoy! My dh has been working for 36 years and he is sooo done with work. Really about ready to retire. But I’ve only been doing this full-time for five years -  I’m not ready for it to be over yet! 
 

Finances are not a worry at all. Plenty of savings. I’m not working because we need the money. 

Edited October 11, 2020 by Amethyst

[katilac]

3 minutes ago, Amethyst said:

Correct, I do not want to quit. I really really enjoy my job. I look forward to going to work on Mondays - I never expected that I would feel that way about a job. I loved raising my kids. My biggest ambition was not being a dentist - it was being a mother. I had 16 beautiful years of homeschooling. I only ever did dentistry part-time during those years but always kept my license active. It was just a job. But now I’m TEACHING students of dental hygiene and what a fit! I love being with the young people, I love the patients, I love learning new things myself, I have coworkers I enjoy! My dh has been working for 36 years and he is sooo done with work. Really about ready to retire. But Ive only been doing this full-time for five years -  I’m not ready for it to be over yet! 
 

Finances are not a worry at all. Plenty of savings. I’m not working because we need the money. 

Then finances aren't an argument in favor of work, but I think all of your other reasons are valid and important. 

I see you have two young adult daughters, and so do I. One reason I always tried to work part-time while homeschooling, and then tried out different things when they graduated to find the best fit, was to show them that it doesn't always have to be a stark choice of either you work or you stay home with the kids. I think that's a very worthwhile thing to model, both to show that it's fine for mom to have needs and ambitions beyond the family, and to show that it's important to keep up skills and not assume that you'll never have to work. 

Because finances are in good shape, I'd work even harder trying to think of how money can help increase safety. I think I mentioned air purifiers; they can be a good part of an overall plan. Supplements like Vitamin D. Frequent testing if available. If you like to work out, consider a gym membership that would allow you to change clothes and shower before even going home. Keep the work clothes in your car or at work and drop them off at the dry cleaner (most do regular laundry, too). If that's not an option, maybe change at work and shower and change again when you get home. Again, send those clothes out to be laundered, don't just add work for yourself. I don't know that I consider the change and change again to be all that helpful, but it may be something that resonates with him if he really wants to beat down the risk factors. 

It's not like you can assume you would have this same opportunity if you quit now and tried to return in a year or two, and that adds to the argument for working now. Plus, it's easy to say "just stay home" when you are not the one who has to just stay home. Even when you don't love your work or you're ready to be done, it is still providing you with stimulation and interaction and self-esteem. Work is important.