Would you

[Kassia]

T

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by Kassia

[Pawz4me]

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask him to contribute.

[mommyoffive]

Totally reasonable request. 

If I could afford it and I wouldn't be bothered by it, this year I wouldn't do it.

[Bootsie]

I wouldn't ask, but I don't think there is anything wrong with asking.  My sister stayed with me for several months a couple of years ago.  She might shop for something special, but I didn't ask her to pay a portion of the groceries.  

[mathnerd]

Personally, no, I would not ask. I have had so many relatives and friends of my husband stay for extended periods with us over health issues, unemployment issues etc and we never asked.

But, there is nothing wrong in asking if you feel like it.

[Lady Florida.]

It would be reasonable but if I knew the move home was temporary and we could afford it I probably wouldn't. I'd rather he save his money to be able to move out when the time comes. If I knew the stay was going to be longer then yes, I would.

Ds is currently out of work. He was laid off at the start of the pandemic (he worked in a cafe) and when he was still working he contributed. Although he's been collecting unemployment we haven't asked him to pay out of that money. He's applying for jobs like crazy and getting some interviews but no job yet. Once he starts working we'll give him time to build his savings cushion before we ask him to start contributing financially again. 

[freesia]

Yes, in your situation I would. For a short term visit with definite dates, I wouldn’t. When we lived with dh’s mom between main jobs ( dh did temp work) we bought all our own groceries and even fed her.  When we visited for a week or 10 days, she mostly fed us ( we’d pick up pizza on our way and bring stuff like baby food or special food for my low carb needs.)

[Forget-Me-Not]

It would depend on the kid and my financial circumstances.  If he's pretty fiscally responsible and contributes to household chores and I could afford it, then I'd probably just let it go and let him save up a little money and have a leg up for the future.  

[Dynamite5]

We had young adults join us for several months before moving back to apartments (not only did we have some of our children, we had two who are dating our children). Not only did we not ask them for money for food, we sent them all home with food and paper goods. 

It's not wrong to ask young adults to pay their way, but this is such a weird and scary time for everyone, I say error on the side of kindness and love.

 

ETA: some of the young adults staying with us were unemployed and some were making quite a bit of money via remote jobs

Edited September 29, 2020 by Dynamite5

[freesia]

Just now, Forget-Me-Not said:

It would depend on the kid and my financial circumstances.  If he's pretty fiscally responsible and contributes to household chores and I could afford it, then I'd probably just let it go and let him save up a little money and have a leg up for the future.  

That’s true.  I thought more about my above post and realized we lived with my parents for a month before heading to grad school and they fed us. When I’d live with my parents while transitioning I didn’t pay. But there was always an end date. My parents were happy to have me but the goal was me transitioning to my own place. They always said they’d start charging rent after a certain amount of months. And when we all go to the beach together, we all pitch in  

But like I said before, your child is different. He has a home and steady job. I would ask him to pitch in. 

[Lecka]

I think it depends.  
 

I think if I thought the adult child didn’t know to think of things like this, but should he thinking of them, I would.  
 

That’s my thought here.  He might not even be aware of having a different role as an adult and maybe you need to clue him in.  Maybe it will help him in his future life.

 

 

[regentrude]

Not in my family culture. My parents never charged us when we stayed with them, nor would it occur to me to charge my kids - unless we could not afford to feed the extra person without it.

Edited September 29, 2020 by regentrude

[Arcadia]

30 minutes ago, Kassia said:

He doesn't drive, so he doesn't shop for his own groceries.  

My relatives and I have always stayed within walking distance of groceries since majority of us dislike driving. So we have always shop and buy groceries as guests to offset some expenses (food, utilities). Since your son can't grocery shop easily, I would ask for a token amount as contribution to grocery expenses. 

[livetoread]

I would not in those circumstances, but that’s our family. I don’t think it would be wrong or anything, but I would not unless we really needed the money.

[marbel]

I think it depends a lot on the young adult child. Some, I think, would benefit from the object lesson of needing to pay for their own food, etc., as an adult. Others won't need that sort of reinforcement.  

Family finances also play a role. Also the adult child's choices: I could see that if they had a particular and expensive thing they liked, asking them to buy it themselves. 

But my kids are in college so I have not reached that point yet. Not sure what I would do in the same situation. I think either way is completely reasonable!

I do agree with others that this is a weird time, and I'd probably be inclined to keep paying, but might ask my kids to pitch in on something specific occasionally. Like, "hey let's call out for pizza" - ok, kid, how about you treat us this time, otherwise it's Aldi take and bake. 

[DawnM]

I would not.   When they live with us, we pay.  But that is just us.

[City Mouse]

I think it is reasonable for him to contribute in some way, but I would take the leangth of stay into account along with his and your finances..

He does need to learn that even a guest should do something to show appreciation to the hosts. Anytime we stay with someone, we thanked them out to eat or buy something to contribute. (usually alcohol in our case 🙂 Or donuts)

You might as him how he would like to contribute. He could cook once a week, or buy pizza, or something like that, But he might be happier to just give you $25 per week for groceries.

[Selkie]

 I don't think it is wrong to do so, but I wouldn't ask my kids unless it was a financial necessity. My parents were the type to gripe about the grocery and utility bills going up whenever I was home from college, and I wanted something different for my own kids. It is important to me that they know they will always be welcome and have a roof over their head and food on the table.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Absolutely not.  Not unless it became a permanent living situation.  These are unusual times when we should be coming together and treating each other with hospitality.  (If someone were abusing my hospitality then I would have a different answer.)

[Ali in OR]

Another no vote for our home. Food is a love language for me; feeding my kids is one way I show them I love them. They also have girl appetites. Our grocery bill went down all of $50 a month when middle dd went off to college. We can pay that $50 quite easily.

[Kassia]

 

 

 

 

 

43 minutes ago, Lecka said:

 

I think if I thought the adult child didn’t know to think of things like this, but should he thinking of them, I would.  

 

 

I really don't think it has entered his mind.  He's always been able to come home and was never expected to contribute, but he's never been home this long (and indefinitely) as a working adult making a good income.  

Based on the replies, I think we will just continue paying and not mention it to him.  

As always, a big thank you to everyone who took the time to reply!  You are all always so helpful to me and I appreciate it more than you know.  🙂

 

 

[katilac]

I don't think it's wrong to ask,  I wouldn't do so unless my finances required it (by required, I just mean that paying for his groceries means we'd be giving up something else, not that we didn't actually have the money). 

 @marbelhas a good point about expensive specialty items, I would have no problem telling my kids to pay for that kind of stuff. 

[G5052]

Under those conditions, no. Given that he's still paying for an apartment elsewhere, I'd figure that the food was just a part of life with you.

If he lets the apartment go and makes it more long-term, I'd rethink. 

[Garga]

I doubt I’d have my kids pay for groceries in a short-term situation like that.  But if I was going out to eat I’d probably say, “I don’t want to cook tonight. You can grab something from the fridge for yourself or get restaurant food with us. We’ll go dutch.”

I don’t think I’d pay for restaurant meals for a working adult. When I go out with my adult friends, we usually pay our own way. 

But meals at home—if it’s not a financial burden on you, then don’t make him pay separately. (Unless he comes to live with you like a roommate, long term. Then roommate rules apply.)

Edited September 29, 2020 by Garga

[bolt.]

While a contribution like that would be totally reasonable and perfectly normal -- in our family, I just wouldn't. It's not our style. We've had a few long-term unrelated guests here without asking for any food money, so I can't imagine I'd ask it of my own children unless we had an actual need to do so.

[Spryte]

Chiming in with the we wouldn’t ask crowd, but I also think it’s entirely reasonable if you want to ask him to chip in.  It’s not our family culture here. We’ve had long term guests over and over through the years, both friends and family, and we never ask.  

I think if he didn’t have his own apartment, then I might be a nice life lesson, if he needs that kind of social reminder, but I probably wouldn’t in the situation you describe.

Hmmmm.  Adding it up now - friend stayed with us six months, another friend for a good nine months, first friend needed a plane ticket and a place to crash for another six months. 27 yr old son moved in for five months, and my mom has stayed with us for 18 mos total.  The only one to pay for groceries was my mom, but she brought it up, and wanted to do it.  
 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Can I ask why you keep mentioning that he's Aspie?  My Aspie still has social needs especially during a lonely time like a pandemic.  If I remember your other thread, that's why he's home, right?  My Aspie also is pretty conscientious about saving money and budgeting - not that that is an Aspie specific trait, but just saying that he can understand the concept.  But stress is harder for him to handle and so we try to mitigate some of the effects by providing some supports for him when circumstances are particularly stressful. 

[Denise Still in Florida]

We are also in this situation. My daughter (29) is home for Corona. She does some on line work but her main career is Stage Management and the live performance venues are all closed. 

No, I do not ask her to pay us for food or rent. She helps out around the house and with my husbands business.  When she is running errands for me she stops by Starbucks and pays for coffees.  She makes the occasional grocery store run and usually pays for those groceries.

But no, she is family, I would not ask my sister or parents (when they were living) to pay expenses. If I stayed with them, I would help around the house and pay for the occasional shopping trip. 

[Kassia]

On 9/29/2020 at 4:17 PM, Jean in Newcastle said:

Can I ask why you keep mentioning that he's Aspie?  My Aspie still has social needs especially during a lonely time like a pandemic.  If I remember your other thread, that's why he's home, right?  My Aspie also is pretty conscientious about saving money and budgeting - not that that is an Aspie specific trait, but just saying that he can understand the concept.  But stress is harder for him to handle and so we try to mitigate some of the effects by providing some supports for him when circumstances are particularly stressful. 

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by Kassia

[Storygirl]

13 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Can I ask why you keep mentioning that he's Aspie?  My Aspie still has social needs especially during a lonely time like a pandemic.  If I remember your other thread, that's why he's home, right?  My Aspie also is pretty conscientious about saving money and budgeting - not that that is an Aspie specific trait, but just saying that he can understand the concept.  But stress is harder for him to handle and so we try to mitigate some of the effects by providing some supports for him when circumstances are particularly stressful. 

I agree with this, but in a somewhat opposite way. My son with ASD is still living home as a teen, but he has trouble with money and financial concepts. For him, I might have him contribute, as a way of learning something about budgeting, as well as learning about how to receive hospitality by offering to pay a share; I don't think it would occur to my son to offer, and I think learning to offer is a good social lesson.

But I would likely save the money and gift it back to him, because we really don't need his contribution. DS is likely to live with us as a young adult, and I do think about how we will handle things like rent. Not because we need him to pay rent, but because he will need to learn how to handle his finances, once he has a job, and my particular son will need assistance with it.

[Rosie_0801]

Uh, well I'm an Aspie and my child is an Aspie and in this situation my child would absolutely be buying their own food and doing their own cooking.

[Lecka]

We haven’t provided food when relatives have stayed with us.  We have provided things like coffee but they haven’t eaten meals with us unless it was specific meals.  
 

We have also had a friend stay with us for several months and he bought his own coffee and his own coffee maker.  
 

We have also kind-of gotten burned with both instances of a relative.  One misrepresented his situation and we would not have let him live with us if he had been honest from the beginning.  
 

The other one was fine but we ended up making a time limit and he left at the time limit.  
 

Edit:  It definitely was not during Covid!!!!!  The second relative we would have not been after to get a job and be responsible if it was happening right now.  The first one I would be beyond mad at for misrepresenting his situation right now.  It turned out he was mad at his wife and wanted to live as a single man for a while.  He told us he couldn’t get a job where they lived and “reasons” he could find one where we lived. 

Edited September 29, 2020 by Lecka

[Guest]

Personally, no, I wouldn’t. (Unless we were in dire straits.) I said this in your thread about “couples” time, but I will reiterate here: my parents made me feel unwelcome and as though they would rather I just move out. So I did. By comparison, my MIL was always super-welcoming (though I never lived there). She would host big family dinners and send us off with leftovers. She would shop at Costco and then give us the extra lettuces or whatnot. And she was always giving everybody (even dh’s employees) produce from the garden or fresh eggs. It was a model to me about how I wanted to be. 

*I don’t think it would be wrong to ask for contribution. I just don’t want that with my own grown kids. 

[regentrude]

22 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Uh, well I'm an Aspie and my child is an Aspie and in this situation my child would absolutely be buying their own food and doing their own cooking.

Why do their own cooking? Wouldn't you eat together as a family? 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Selkie said:

 I don't think it is wrong to do so, but I wouldn't ask my kids unless it was a financial necessity. My parents were the type to gripe about the grocery and utility bills going up whenever I was home from college, and I wanted something different for my own kids. It is important to me that they know they will always be welcome and have a roof over their head and food on the table.

You said this a lot more graciously than I did, but yes; this. 

[Kassia]

On 9/29/2020 at 5:14 PM, regentrude said:

Why do their own cooking? Wouldn't you eat together as a family? 

 

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by Kassia

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, Quill said:

Personally, no, I wouldn’t. (Unless we were in dire straits.) I said this in your thread about “couples” time, but I will reiterate here: my parents made me feel unwelcome and as though they would rather I just move out. So I did. By comparison, my MIL was always super-welcoming (though I never lived there). She would host big family dinners and send us off with leftovers. She would shop at Costco and then give us the extra lettuces or whatnot. And she was always giving everybody (even dh’s employees) produce from the garden or fresh eggs. It was a model to me about how I wanted to be. 

*I don’t think it would be wrong to ask for contribution. I just don’t want that with my own grown kids. 

I’m quoting myself because I want to wax eloquent on another thing I remember my MIL doing. One year, early on, I was sick for Easter. I think I had the flu or something similar. I was so sad to not be going over my MIL’s house for a beautiful Easter dinner. 

When she sent dh home, she had fixed an entire plate of Easter dinner for me, plus dessert. I don’t even think I could eat it because I was so ill, but that gesture touched me right to my heart! She thought enough of me to save me a plate of dinner. And dessert! I felt absolutely so loved and cared for. I will never forget that. Honestly, it was a big factor in how lovingly I wanted to care for her when she stayed with us this past January. 

[Kassia]

29 minutes ago, Quill said:

 

When she sent dh home, she had fixed an entire plate of Easter dinner for me, plus dessert. I don’t even think I could eat it because I was so ill, but that gesture touched me right to my heart! She thought enough of me to save me a plate of dinner. And dessert! I felt absolutely so loved and cared for. I will never forget that. Honestly, it was a big factor in how lovingly I wanted to care for her when she stayed with us this past January. 

 

That is such a beautiful story!  You are so fortunate to have such a wonderful and caring MIL!  

[KungFuPanda]

I would never ask my kids to pay for food at ‘home,’ but I don’t think it’s wrong to do so. I’d have to be really broke to consider it. 

[Kassia]

 

b

Edited January 12, 2021 by Kassia

[teachermom2834]

Probably not even though I think it is totally OK for you to ask. 

The conditions we would probably ask would be

1) if we truly couldn't afford it and they could (if everyone was strapped we would take the expense and not further burden the kid)

2) the kid just needed to be more considerate, grow up, etc. I can see how some young adults need that lesson and some don't.

If neither of those two conditions existed I would probably take the opportunity to spoil the child. I say that as someone whose two adult dc went away to college and never even returned during summers. They don't come home for extended stays and we don't see them often. We aren't big gift givers, not effusive with affection, etc. and if I have the chance to spoil my adult children and remind them I'm still their mom and always have their back I'll do it. But as soon as the kid became annoying, acting entitled, not contributing, etc. I would go ask because otherwise I would get resentful.

 

[Garga]

6 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I have to admit, after reading the responses I'm feeling kind of guilty for considering asking him to contribute!  I'm so glad I asked here.  

 

No; no guilt. I’d have been like you, wondering what the right thing to do is. And like everyone says, it’s not wrong to ask him to pay, but it doesn’t seem to be the culture of a lot of families.

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

Why do their own cooking? Wouldn't you eat together as a family? 

The family atmosphere isn't really a thing here. My kid moved out when she was 9. I don't have a kitchen table because my house is too small.
I don't like cooking and I see  no reason to take responsibility for feeding an adult who earns more than I do. I'm not talking about being a scrooge and never sharing. If I'm in a cooking mood, I often share with my neighbour because there is no one in my house to share with. I wouldn't charge my child for eating excess produce out of the garden or leftovers of something I'm not going to use up, but to me, adults are responsible for things like feeding themselves (unless they are sick, pregnant, had their hours cut at work and savings are running out or something dire) and my first impression was to be surprised that this was even a question.

[Junie]

3 hours ago, G5052 said:

Under those conditions, no. Given that he's still paying for an apartment elsewhere, I'd figure that the food was just a part of life with you.

If he lets the apartment go and makes it more long-term, I'd rethink. 

This is what I was thinking.  If he is still paying for his apartment he is probably not considering this to be a long-term situation.

[Kassia]

On 9/29/2020 at 6:39 PM, Junie said:

This is what I was thinking.  If he is still paying for his apartment he is probably not considering this to be a long-term situation.

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by Kassia

[mommyoffive]

31 minutes ago, Garga said:

No; no guilt. I’d have been like you, wondering what the right thing to do is. And like everyone says, it’s not wrong to ask him to pay, but it doesn’t seem to be the culture of a lot of families.

So agree.   I think you have to do what is right for your family.   Our family culture this is not something that would not be done and hasn't in our extended family. 

Edited September 29, 2020 by mommyoffive

[Kassia]

On 9/29/2020 at 6:57 PM, mommyoffive said:

So agree.   I think you have to do what is right for your family.   Our family culture this is not something that would not be done and hasn't in our extended family. 

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by Kassia

[Beth S]

Our son quarantined with us for a month.  We didn't ask him to pay any household expenses.

However, he did quite a few household chores (bathrooms, vacuuming), cleaning up after every meal, etc.
He paid for any Walmart items I bought at his specific request.

Our family dynamic is more about keeping your room clean, keeping your laundry clean, being cheerful while helping, etc.
I would be more focused on the housecleaning aspect.

[Kassia]

On 9/29/2020 at 8:09 PM, Beth S said:

 

However, he did quite a few household chores (bathrooms, vacuuming), cleaning up after every meal, etc.
He paid for any Walmart items I bought at his specific request.

Our family dynamic is more about keeping your room clean, keeping your laundry clean, being cheerful while helping, etc.
I would be more focused on the housecleaning aspect.

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by Kassia

[hippiemamato3]

If you will also charge your daughter for food when she comes home, then I think it would be ok. But since he's also paying for an apartment, I personally would not.