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Would you ask your adult child (working) to contribute for food while staying with you?


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7 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

If you will also charge your daughter for food when she comes home, then I think it would be ok. But since he's also paying for an apartment, I personally would not. 

My daughter is in college, though.  We never charged ds for food until he was employed after graduation.  He had about two months after graduation before his job started and lived with us then and we never even considered charging him.  And all of my adult kids (all with good jobs) come home for two weeks at a time sometimes (usually during the holidays) and we wouldn't charge then. It's just the long-term stay and the fact that he's earning plenty of money (and saving by staying here), that made me consider having him contribute.  

 

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1 minute ago, Kassia said:

My daughter is in college, though.  We never charged ds for food until he was employed after graduation.  He had about two months after graduation before his job started and lived with us then and we never even considered charging him.  And all of my adult kids (all with good jobs) come home for two weeks at a time sometimes (usually during the holidays) and we wouldn't charge then. It's just the long-term stay and the fact that he's earning plenty of money (and saving by staying here), that made me consider having him contribute.  

 

If you aren't charging her, I can't see justifying charging your son. I do feel that you don't want him there, and I hope he decides to move out soon. Between the two threads, it's clear that you resent his presence. Maybe you should just tell him you'd like him to move back to his apartment.  

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16 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

If you aren't charging her, I can't see justifying charging your son. I do feel that you don't want him there, and I hope he decides to move out soon. Between the two threads, it's clear that you resent his presence. Maybe you should just tell him you'd like him to move back to his apartment.  

 

I wouldn't charge any of my kids who are full-time students.  Ds wasn't charged then either and he was home for breaks and then two months after graduation.  It's not that I don't want him here, but it is stressful due to lack of privacy.  I'm also having some serious medical issues that I'd rather him not know about and there's no way for me to avoid him finding out between frequent appointments and phone calls that he overhears. 

ETA - I already said that I decided not to charge him based on responses here (which is why I asked) and also that he has a good paying job.  That's totally different than a full-time college student.  I also said that what is most important to me is that he feels welcome.

Edited by Kassia
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12 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

If you aren't charging her, I can't see justifying charging your son. I do feel that you don't want him there, and I hope he decides to move out soon. Between the two threads, it's clear that you resent his presence. Maybe you should just tell him you'd like him to move back to his apartment.  

Dang. Low blow...

If Kassia didn’t care how her son may be impacted, she wouldn’t be asking us for opinions. 

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10 minutes ago, Quill said:

Dang. Low blow...

If Kassia didn’t care how her son may be impacted, she wouldn’t be asking us for opinions. 

I wasn't attempting a low blow. The thread the other day showed that she was kind of at her wit's end with her son, and now she wants to charge him for food. I think it would be better for all of them if she asked him to go home because it's obviously really bothering her.  Not every parent  does very well with all of their kids...and that's ok.

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I don't see how a child's large paycheck or lack of it has anything to do with a parent providing a safe haven during a raging pandemic. So, if you drop his income out of the equation, as a parent is it OK for you to provide food, shelter and company until the pandemic situation resolves? It seems like he helps around the house willingly. If the expenses on vegan food is a lot for you and if shopping for his food is a huge chore for you, could you ask him to get an amazon prime account and shop vegan food for himself from whole foods? 

If the privacy issue is bothering you so much, then, it is better to gently tell him that he has been here long enough and it is time to go back to his apartment or to get a temporary apartment next to you so that he can still hang out with you. But, you will have the same issues regarding privacy when your daughter moves back in unless it is OK for the daughter to know all the happenings in your house.

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Op, you thought your son’s visit was going to be short term, and it has extended long enough that you are feeling irritable about some things.  If he was back at his place, he’d be paying for his own food, so maybe asking him to pay for his food at home will soften some of the irritation of having him there longer than you’d like.  I get it. You’re ok w him being there, but you are giving up your alone time with Dh and paying for ds’s food. To you it probably feels like he’s not compromising at all. 
If other people wouldn’t ask their kids to pay, that’s great- it’s their choice. But it doesn’t mean you’re wrong to ask him to chip in.  Ds lives with us and we don’t ask him to chip in for groceries. However, if he started asking for a lot of specific items or was wasting food, we’d probably revisit the agreement.  
Hope you can find a solution that works for your family. 

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3 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

The family atmosphere isn't really a thing here. My kid moved out when she was 9. I don't have a kitchen table because my house is too small.
I don't like cooking and I see  no reason to take responsibility for feeding an adult who earns more than I do. I'm not talking about being a scrooge and never sharing. If I'm in a cooking mood, I often share with my neighbour because there is no one in my house to share with. I wouldn't charge my child for eating excess produce out of the garden or leftovers of something I'm not going to use up, but to me, adults are responsible for things like feeding themselves (unless they are sick, pregnant, had their hours cut at work and savings are running out or something dire) and my first impression was to be surprised that this was even a question.

Your child moved out when she was 9?   Like on her own?   What?

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3 hours ago, Kassia said:

 

I wouldn't charge any of my kids who are full-time students.  Ds wasn't charged then either and he was home for breaks and then two months after graduation.  It's not that I don't want him here, but it is stressful due to lack of privacy.  I'm also having some serious medical issues that I'd rather him not know about and there's no way for me to avoid him finding out between frequent appointments and phone calls that he overhears. 

ETA - I already said that I decided not to charge him based on responses here (which is why I asked) and also that he has a good paying job.  That's totally different than a full-time college student.  I also said that what is most important to me is that he feels welcome.

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having medical issues! 😞 That’s so scary and stressful, and it’s even harder when you feel you have to keep putting on a brave face.

I will pray that you will soon be completely recovered! 

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6 hours ago, Kassia said:

I have to admit, after reading the responses I'm feeling kind of guilty for considering asking him to contribute!  I'm so glad I asked here.  

 

Don’t feel guilty! There should be a balance when a healthy immediate family member moves back in for a lengthy stay. I mean, you love them but you don’t treat them like company - if that makes sense. They should be an integral part of the family, and help out with things, as others mentioned above. I wouldn’t ask my child for grocery money, but I might ask for help in other ways, like taking a night of the week to be responsible for making the family dinner, taking out the trash, that sort of thing. Not like a payment for anything, but because those type of activities help make one feel like an integral part of the family. 
 

Under normal circumstances, we would probably have some sort of understanding of how long the stay might last - through a term of higher education, until a debt reduction/savings goal is reached, that sort of thing. But these are strange times and it’s nice for your ds to feel the security of being part of a loving household for the time being. I know you miss having that empty nest time with your husband. ((())) ETA: I read beyond the post I quoted here and see you have health issues - I’m so sorry! Yes, that makes your need for privacy a higher priority. Is your bedroom a sanctuary, a place where you can take phone calls and where you and dh can sit and talk without interruption? You need a private retreat within your home. 

Edited by Seasider too
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I wouldn't charge him but I wouldn't buy special food for him.  He can buy anything he especially wants himself. It would absolutely not be wrong to ask him to pay if it's causing any uncomfortablness in your budget.  Food costs add up fast.

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8 hours ago, Kassia said:

He is responsible for his own bathroom and he cleans up after himself in the kitchen.  I think he'd help if I asked him to do other things.  

He eats very differently than we do, so almost all of the foods we are buying are at his request.  

I would just buy and cook what you normally do.  If he wants special stuff he can buy it himself.  Alternatively there’s nothing wrong with charging some board.  Being an aspie he might need it spelled out that if he’s living with someone else he needs to contribute.

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8 hours ago, mathnerd said:

 So, if you drop his income out of the equation, as a parent is it OK for you to provide food, shelter and company until the pandemic situation resolves? 

. But, you will have the same issues regarding privacy when your daughter moves back in unless it is OK for the daughter to know all the happenings in your house.

 

Yes, I am happy to drop his income out of the equation and provide food, shelter, and company.  

We do have privacy issues when my daughter is home, but not as much as when ds is home.  He sticks closer to us than she does and also dominates every conversation to the point where I find myself not speaking because he will just take over and it's easier to just stay quiet.  He enjoys debating about everything and I like peace.  So, communication with DH is very strained when ds is home.

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7 hours ago, HeighHo said:

That's tough.  How far away is his company from bringing him back into the office part time?  It is quite isolating to be home alone for so long; so from the mental health point of view he is better off with company.  

When I was going thru my serious medical issue, I would go out to the vehicle if I needed phone privacy.   With the frequent appointments, it gave the dc some peace to know that diagnostics were proceeding, some of which ruled out the scariest things the internet was suggesting. It also modeled taking care of one's health.

I suspect his company isn't having people come back until next summer.  Going out to the car for phone calls isn't an option here since I can't get a phone signal outside of the house.  

 

4 hours ago, Seasider too said:


 

 ETA: I read beyond the post I quoted here and see you have health issues - I’m so sorry! Yes, that makes your need for privacy a higher priority. Is your bedroom a sanctuary, a place where you can take phone calls and where you and dh can sit and talk without interruption? You need a private retreat within your home. 

The bedroom is a good idea.  He could still hear things, but I think he'd have to make an effort and not just overhear what is going on like the rest of the house.  

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53 minutes ago, Kassia said:

 

Yes, I am happy to drop his income out of the equation and provide food, shelter, and company.  

We do have privacy issues when my daughter is home, but not as much as when ds is home.  He sticks closer to us than she does and also dominates every conversation to the point where I find myself not speaking because he will just take over and it's easier to just stay quiet.  He enjoys debating about everything and I like peace.  So, communication with DH is very strained when ds is home.

That surely makes it difficult. Can you work on building his communication skills or is that something you don’t have the bandwidth to do right now? I’m just thinking that tendency is not going to serve him well and it would be great if it can be something he learns to be aware of. FWIW, I have a sibling with that tendency too and it’s maddening. If we are in a group, I go mute because it’s so difficult to get a word in. 

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If he's staying as a guest, I probably wouldn't ask for money, but I could see it being comfortable to ask him to do or contribute certain things.  I think it would depend on the individual and the general mood.  If someone told me I need to cook a meal if I'm staying at xyz house, I'd leave, but if they asked me to wash the dishes, I'd love that.  😛

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7 hours ago, rebcoola said:

I wouldn't charge him but I wouldn't buy special food for him.  He can buy anything he especially wants himself. It would absolutely not be wrong to ask him to pay if it's causing any uncomfortablness in your budget.  Food costs add up fast.

That was my thought....you are welcome to share in our general household food but you buy your own special requests.

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2 hours ago, Quill said:

That surely makes it difficult. Can you work on building his communication skills or is that something you don’t have the bandwidth to do right now? I’m just thinking that tendency is not going to serve him well and it would be great if it can be something he learns to be aware of. FWIW, I have a sibling with that tendency too and it’s maddening. If we are in a group, I go mute because it’s so difficult to get a word in. 

 

I don't know how to work with him on building his communication skills.  When I've talked to him about other things in the past (he has some really bad eating habits that drive me crazy), he got very defensive and angry, so I stopped mentioning them and just learned to deal with them.  I think this would be the same - I don't know how to bring it up in an effective way because he never thinks he's wrong so he has no motivation to make changes.  I know this makes him sound like a bad person - he's not at all.  He's sensitive and sweet and appreciative, but he's oblivious to how his behavior affects others.  The bad eating habits are certainly something I've been concerned about when he eats with others - either in a personal or professional level - but I don't know how to get through to him.  

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1 hour ago, Kassia said:

 

I don't know how to work with him on building his communication skills.  When I've talked to him about other things in the past (he has some really bad eating habits that drive me crazy), he got very defensive and angry, so I stopped mentioning them and just learned to deal with them.  I think this would be the same - I don't know how to bring it up in an effective way because he never thinks he's wrong so he has no motivation to make changes.  I know this makes him sound like a bad person - he's not at all.  He's sensitive and sweet and appreciative, but he's oblivious to how his behavior affects others.  The bad eating habits are certainly something I've been concerned about when he eats with others - either in a personal or professional level - but I don't know how to get through to him.  

One book I recently read that has been helping me with difficult conversation (or difficult people) is Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg. I was able to get the audio version free on Hoopla, which is very hand. (Because listening fits into my day more easily than physically reading texts.) I also watched several YT videos by Cup of Empathy, which helps me see how to do the suggestions. 

I don’t know if that would help you at all or if you even have any inclination to work on that. But I think it is helping me with my difficult communicator. 

 

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If I could afford it, then no I wouldn't ask for money towards regular groceries.  Since he doesn't drive, I may make an arrangement where he could give me some money for specific things he wants like certain snacks or drinks that I wouldn't normally purchase, but I don't even know if I would do that.  There isn't really a right or wrong answer, but what works best in your household's situation as well as your son's.  I am big with members of a household contributing to the well being of the household, but that looks different to every household.

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59 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

How about some headphones?  If my YA is working out of my house, its headphones on and behind closed doors....

  After that, you may  just have to front up put him on a schedule - tell him to go mow the lawn, take the car to the car wash, do grocery shopping or whatever if you need him out of the house so you and your spouse can have private time.  Just like with any other roommate, you will have to schedule the private time and encourage him to go get his exercise and entertainment/social needs met if he hasn't figured out how to initiate that himself.

His Professional Society may have a course on professional manners that could help him out.  He is going to have great difficulty if he can't understand social cues and how not to dominate a conversation -- that help can be found through his employer health care.  If its just mom he is dominating, have Dad set him straight -- Mom is a person with a role and Mom is to be given the respect everyone else gets when it comes to conversing.  

He does work upstairs in his room behind a closed door, so we do have that M-F (but DH is also working during that time).  He doesn't drive, so no errands (we live in a rural area - so nothing within walking distance either).  He doesn't see his behavior as a problem, so he doesn't see any reason to get help.  He knows he's on the spectrum, but thinks everything he does is fine and will get defensive if told otherwise.  That being said, DH told him to stop one bad behavior at mealtime and he has made an effort to stop that so maybe we can do one baby step at a time.  

 

 

18 minutes ago, Quill said:

One book I recently read that has been helping me with difficult conversation (or difficult people) is Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg.

 

Thank you!  I will definitely read it!  You've recommended other helpful books in the past and I appreciate it so much!  

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9 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I lost custody.

 

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.   I currently have a toddler whose mom may be losing custody, you might be a person to give advice to me on maintaining relationships.

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7 hours ago, Kassia said:

I suspect his company isn't having people come back until next summer.  Going out to the car for phone calls isn't an option here since I can't get a phone signal outside of the house.  

 

The bedroom is a good idea.  He could still hear things, but I think he'd have to make an effort and not just overhear what is going on like the rest of the house.  

I was just thinking — do you have a little desk fan that you could turn on when you want your phone conversations to be more private? The whirring of the fan might help muffle your voice, and if you put the fan near the closed bedroom door, you could be across the room while you were talking so the fan noise wouldn’t affect your conversation.

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5 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.   I currently have a toddler whose mom may be losing custody, you might be a person to give advice to me on maintaining relationships.

I don't think I have any advice of value.

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I would expect them to offer to contribute if staying more than a week or two.  But kid with ASD may not think of it.  Actually that age group may not think of it.

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