Neither a borrower nor lender be (please JAWM)

[Ginevra]

Throughout most of my adulthood, I have had an unspoken policy not to lend things to people unless I am mentally giving it away. Then, if it is soon returned and in the same condition, that’s just gravy. However - possibly because this has been my standard for years - I haven’t even had much occasion to lend things. Most people I know don’t borrow things; if they want/need it enough, they get their own. If it is a negligible enough item - say, a math curriculum my kids no longer need, I just give it away and never think of it again. 

But. Dd’s friend asked to borrow my karaoke machine for a party (yes - a karaoke machine for a party in a pandemic...) and I said okay. (She agreed to use it outdoors for the party and wipe it down with disinfectant.) After the party, we made arrangement for her to bring it back to my house, which she forgot about and then we made a new date to return the machine. Before the new date, though, she called my dd (Note: not me) and said her cats chewed up the wire and she’s freaking out about what to do and afraid dd will never speak to her again. Dd told me what happened and said the friend offered to either order a new one from Amazon, or pay me the going rate for the same/similar model. (This part gets a little wonky because I’m not sure of the truth or whether dd is in on the truth.) 

Well, I’m sure to the surprise of all, I said I would like the replacement machine from Amazon. Even dd said (and this is why I’m suspicious) she can’t believe I wouldn’t just take the cash for the machine. Here’s my reason for anyone also wondering: before I leant it to her, I played it to make sure it works and I remembered how much fun it is. It’s very good for a party (if we ever can have a party with singing again) and we had an absolute ball with the machine several times at parties. I know that if I just get cash, there is no way I’m going to buy another machine; it would go to groceries and toilet paper and that makes me sad. In the end: I want the machine. I did not intend to give it away or sell it and I really want the actual machine. 

(Congrats to you if you’ve read this far!) So. New machine arrived at my house, directly from Amazon yesterday. Awesome! Only then I realized I also leant her a butt-load of CD+Gs for playing the songs and having the words come up. Like, possibly around $120-worth of party songs, country songs, classic rock songs, and 80s songs - literally every single disc I have for the machine, in a CD zipper case. Guys: I want my CDs as well. I sent her a text saying thank you, the machine arrived, I’m so happy, but I also just realized I can’t play it until I get my CDGs back, lol! Forgot about that! Haha. Well...she hasn’t responded to my text. 

I’m feeling very annoyed at the young lady and mad at myself for even lending the damn machine in the first place. I’m having somewhat uncharitable, yet probably accurate, ruminations that she intended to get the machine for herself all along. Most likely she thought - and I am not sure whether dd would have agreed with this from the outset - that I would just say, “Oh, that old thing. Don’t worry about it; it’s just been in my basement for years anyway.” Or the second-best scenario would be for me to agree to take cash for it because that would still be less $ than buying the machine and an ass-load of CDGs to play on it. She’s a nice young lady but I can easily imagine her planning it this way. 

So. I’m going to get my discs back if I have to drive the hour+ to retrieve them. I don’t plan to make accusations of what I think actually happened but I do plan to relentlessly nag her until I get the discs back. But I feel pretty sour towards her because I believe she planned/expected she would get the machine for free and her plan is backfiring on her. I also don’t know whether to confess my suspicions to my dd or just leave it alone so long as I can soon get my discs returned. 

[teachermom2834]

I'm sorry about what happened, I would be highly irritated and frustrated all the way around.

 

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by teachermom2834
saw the JAWM!

[Miss Tick]

Sounds crazy-making. Don't confess your suspicions to your dd. I think that would only have a negative outcome. Do nag relentlessly until you are satisfied.

[Dynamite5]

Doesn't matter her intentions--I would not waste time ruminating about those at all. I would just text her that she can either bring the CD's to you or you can drive to pick them up, but you'll need to charge her for your time and gas money....or, you can report them stolen. THAT will probably get a response, lol. 

I'm sorry this backfired on you. 

[Calm37]

This is a good reminder to me of all the angst lending causes. My husband can still tell you each tool of his, pretty expensive tools, that were returned broken or burned out. I think it's awesome you got a replacement! He was always made to feel like he lent out a soon-to-die tool, like, why did you lend me that old thing?

I was asked for some yeast in the pandemic and sent it over to the neighbor in a glass dish, thinking of course they would put it in their own dish and send back the dish. Dish gone. Here's the thing -- we give away a ton of stuff all the time, but somehow my mind focused on that one little thing in my life. I want my dish back!!! My $5 easily replaceable dish back!!! 

Not comparing this to your not easily replaceable CD's though. That is a pain for sure.

[mommyoffive]

Don't confess your suspicions to dd.  They are friends and this will just put her in a bad spot on to whose side she is on.  I am sure your dd feels bad about it anyway. 

Plus you really don't know what happened.   Whatever happened with the machine the girl handed it poorly.   I am sorry.   I would be upset about it too.  I hate when people burn you like that and it makes you not be nice the next time.  I do hope you get your CD back.  Good job standing up for yourself and not just letting it go.  I hope that the girl learns something from this.  Even if it was an accident you have to stand up and take responsibility for it.

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, Calm37 said:

This is a good reminder to me of all the angst lending causes. My husband can still tell you each tool of his, pretty expensive tools, that were returned broken or burned out. I think it's awesome you got a replacement! He was always made to feel like he lent out a soon-to-die tool, like, why did you lend me that old thing?

I was asked for some yeast in the pandemic and sent it over to the neighbor in a glass dish, thinking of course they would put it in their own dish and send back the dish. Dish gone. Here's the thing -- we give away a ton of stuff all the time, but somehow my mind focused on that one little thing in my life. I want my dish back!!! My $5 easily replaceable dish back!!! 

Not comparing this to your not easily replaceable CD's though. That is a pain for sure.

It’s so true! I did learn that lesson early in my adulthood when I leant all of my maternity clothes to a friend and she did I-don’t-know-what with them. Presumably she figured it was a gift, though I was trying to help her out and fully expected to borrow them back for my next pregnancy. That was when I instituted my above policy, but I have rarely, rarely, rarely had occasion to use it. I do remember declining a request to borrow a book because I very much suspected the asker would keep the book and I wanted to keep it. I remember how awkward it felt but I said, “Well, I actually use that book often; might try looking at your library. Im sure they have a zillion copies.” She smirked at me like, “are you serious?” But I knew if she kept it, I would hugely resent it, even though it’s just some simple book anyone could get for $15. 

Sorry about your dish. I do understand, though. 

[Tiberia]

I wouldn't let your dd know your suspicions; you might be wrong about motives. I try to take what people say at face value, even if I suspect darker motives (but I try not to get burned twice ☹️)

I would cheerfully go along with the friend's narrative, say it's a bummer the cats chewed the old one, thank her for the new one, and schedule a time to go get the CD's. If she says 'gosh sorry the cd's are chewed up too', I'd cheerfully send her another amazon link and thank her for being such a responsible young adult and owning up to her obligations. So far, she has done the right thing. Keep her on that track. 

I hope you get to enjoy your new machine and CDs in the future at a post-pandemic party!

[Katy]

You're absolutely right.  I bet she intended to keep them forever too.  I wouldn't tell DD that but the whole situation stinks.  Get those CD's back.

[Bambam]

I wouldn't tell my DD my suspicions, but I would tell her about the CDs. And ask her to remind her friend you want the CDs back. 
And I would do this, because if friend never returns the CDs or is difficult about it, DD needs to see that too, and evaluate whether this friendship is one she wants to continue, and if so, realize she should not lend anything to friend either. 

 

[hjffkj]

That sucks.  hope you get your CDs back.

[kiwik]

Any chance someone at the party stole the whole lot?

[Guest]

18 minutes ago, kiwik said:

Any chance someone at the party stole the whole lot?

Maybe but it seems doubtful because I expect then she would tell me, or at minimum, my dd, that story up front. When I made the first arrangement to receive back the machine, I was the one who contacted her and I said something like, “I don’t want time to go by and have it forgotten about...” because I was making it known by doing so that I did want the machine back and wasn’t going to just let it be “forever borrowed”. 

In my imagination, that was when she first thought, “Crap. She really does want it back...” 

[Selkie]

Ooh, I would be steamed. I mean, best case scenario is that she is just being rude, ungrateful, and careless by not returning the CDs - but I think you are probably right about her true intentions.

[Garga]

How long since you wrote the text and she hasn’t responded?

Either she was thinking she could just keep the stuff, or she’s just being a scatterbrained young person. I remember borrowing a crockpot for a party I had when I was 20 and meaning to return it...and just letting life get away from me and I didn’t return it for a year. I felt like such a heel because there was no reason for me not to return it.  I just felt overwhelmed with life and it seemed like such a big task. Once it was returned, I wondered what was wrong with me that it took me a year to finally do it. 

Young people can be weird sometimes with things like that. Scatterbrained. Or the simplest of things seem overwhelming. They procrastinate on things for no real reason.  

But, regardless, get those CDs back!  And don’t tell DD your suspicions.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Garga said:

How long since you wrote the text and she hasn’t responded?

Either she was thinking she could just keep the stuff, or she’s just being a scatterbrained young person. I remember borrowing a crockpot for a party I had when I was 20 and meaning to return it...and just letting life get away from me and I didn’t return it for a year. I felt like such a heel because there was no reason for me not to return it.  I just felt overwhelmed with life and it seemed like such a big task. Once it was returned, I wondered what was wrong with me that it took me a year to finally do it. 

Young people can be weird sometimes with things like that. Scatterbrained. Or the simplest of things seem overwhelming. They procrastinate on things for no real reason.  

But, regardless, get those CDs back!  And don’t tell DD your suspicions.

Yes, that was the possibility that moved me to contact her in the first place. It had been about three weeks since the party and I hadn’t heard a word. I didn’t want time to get away (whether her intentions were innocent or not) so that’s when I sent the initial text saying I hope it was fun for her and let’s arrange for a return. 

It was around midday yesterday that I sent the text about “oh, forgot about the CDs!” 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

As far as the disks, I would send her another text that says something like “hey, I have to be out your way this week to do XYZ other thing.  Would Tuesday or Wednesday be better for me to swing by and grab the discs, since I have to be there anyway.  “  And then just drive out there and get them.  I wouldn’t trust her to get the discs shipped off to you in a timely manner (for a large number of reasons.).  So you best bet is to drive the hour+ and pick them up yourself.  

I’m coming to this conclusion. Even in @Garga‘s scenario where she’s young and just can’t focus on getting them here, it takes a fair amount of planning and proactivity for her to get them back to me in a timely way and f she hasn’t done it so far, it doesn’t look good...

[Carol in Cal.]

2 hours ago, Calm37 said:

This is a good reminder to me of all the angst lending causes. My husband can still tell you each tool of his, pretty expensive tools, that were returned broken or burned out. I think it's awesome you got a replacement! He was always made to feel like he lent out a soon-to-die tool, like, why did you lend me that old thing?

I was asked for some yeast in the pandemic and sent it over to the neighbor in a glass dish, thinking of course they would put it in their own dish and send back the dish. Dish gone. Here's the thing -- we give away a ton of stuff all the time, but somehow my mind focused on that one little thing in my life. I want my dish back!!! My $5 easily replaceable dish back!!! 

Not comparing this to your not easily replaceable CD's though. That is a pain for sure.

When I bought my first house, so I was like 25 or so, a nice old neighbor lady gave me a plate of Christmas cookies.  It was a pretty old plate, and I had every intention of giving it back to her, so I went to wash it and wouldn’t you know, dropped something else onto it in the water and it cracked in half.  I was really embarrassed, but I threw it away and didn’t ever say anything about it.  (Not what I would do now, but I was very young.). The next year she gave me cookies on a paper plate.  

[rebcoola]

I hope you get the CD's back and she is just scatterbrained.   Now I'm off to add a karaoke machine to my Christmas list.

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, rebcoola said:

I hope you get the CD's back and she is just scatterbrained.   Now I'm off to add a karaoke machine to my Christmas list.

Get The Singing Machine. It’s a really good one. Good enough to end friendships over, apparently. <kidding. Maybe. 

[Spryte]

Ouch.  I hope you get your discs back.

 

Now I’m off to check out the Singing Machine.  Sounds really fun.  Though I hear the discs can be hard to come by (or keep!).

 

I have learned the hard way that loaning out curriculum that I intend to use in a few years for younger DD is a bad, bad plan.  It always seems like it will work.  DS finished it, it’s just sitting on the shelf waiting for a few years, why not let such and such friend use it for her kids?  But I keep ending up re-buying the same darn books because they don’t make their way home.  Ugh.  

[Garga]

I absolutely think you need to keep at it until you get them back.  Tell her you need to get her on the calendar for when she’s going to drop them off. 

[SKL]

It is frustrating, but hopefully you will get your stuff back and be whole in the end.

I would try not to spend mental energy thinking about what other people's negative intentions might be.  Keep after your stuff though.  🙂

[PrincessMommy]

I have the same policy as @Quill  

But, I would have probably done the same as you - LENT the machine expecting that one back.

Sorry it went so sourly.  There really are people who don't do that but they seem to be few and far between.  😞 

[SKL]

Maybe an aside ... might not be applicable, but we have a karaoke machine that we can't use because the electrical cord is missing.  If a cat got the cord, I would be wondering if it were possible to just replace the cord.  That way she could have her own karaoke machine too.  😛

[Wildcat]

Agreeing with several others.

Don't mention your suspicions to your DD. Now, I would say something to DD about her not lending anything to this friend if anything at all goes wonky with getting all of your CDs back in the same condition you lent them.

Go get the CDs yourself.  Plan something fun (either go shopping or grab a snack) to make the trip a good one.  The reason I say to go and get them is so that you can have the friend immediately get any 'missing' CDs as opposed to drawing this out even longer. The sooner this is over, the sooner you can put it behind you.

I would send another text now in a "hey, in case you overlooked my text from yesterday...." and see what happens. I know my own kids will often see a text and then forget about it if they are conversing with someone else via text when mine comes in. (I'm trying to give the friend the benefit of the doubt) 

I feel for you. I'm another one who generally doesn't loan things out and the few times I've relented, I have regretted it!

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, SKL said:

Maybe an aside ... might not be applicable, but we have a karaoke machine that we can't use because the electrical cord is missing.  If a cat got the cord, I would be wondering if it were possible to just replace the cord.  That way she could have her own karaoke machine too.  😛

Well, interestingly enough, the delay of a couple of weeks, she said that was the plan - to repair or replace the cord. But when I continued to follow up, she dumped that idea and just ordered it. I think she was a little bitter about that, too, because she made a remark about how the machine probably costs more than it did when I bought it several years ago. (Actually, it was about the same. )

[EKS]

I think that you should ask for the original one back (along with all the accoutrements) AND for her to either repair or replace it.

Edited September 28, 2020 by EKS

[Guest]

1 minute ago, EKS said:

I think that you should ask for the original one back (along with all the accoutrements) AND for her to either repair or replace it.

Is your thinking on this that it would force out nefarious plans? Like if she can’t produce the broken machine at all? 

She did already replace it. I got a brand new machine shipped from Amazon yesterday. 

[hippiemamato3]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well, interestingly enough, the delay of a couple of weeks, she said that was the plan - to repair or replace the cord. But when I continued to follow up, she dumped that idea and just ordered it. I think she was a little bitter about that, too, because she made a remark about how the machine probably costs more than it did when I bought it several years ago. (Actually, it was about the same. )

Well, she should have taken better care of it then! What a nightmare. I'd be very upset about the CDs too. 

[Wildcat]

5 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well, interestingly enough, the delay of a couple of weeks, she said that was the plan - to repair or replace the cord. But when I continued to follow up, she dumped that idea and just ordered it. I think she was a little bitter about that, too, because she made a remark about how the machine probably costs more than it did when I bought it several years ago. (Actually, it was about the same. )

Wow. I would for sure pester her until I could go pick up my CDs (and check their condition before letting her get away).  From the little I know about her, she sure sounds like an entitled brat who needs a lesson on responsibility. 

[EKS]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

Is your thinking on this that it would force out nefarious plans? Like if she can’t produce the broken machine at all? 

She did already replace it. I got a brand new machine shipped from Amazon yesterday. 

I don't know if my thinking was that nuanced (or logical, lol).  It just seems as though you should get all of your stuff back including the broken machine.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, EKS said:

I don't know if my thinking was that nuanced (or logical, lol).  It just seems as though you should get all of your stuff back including the broken machine.

Well, that would certainly flush her out if the story I heard was not what happened. I can’t say I really want to “go there.” In the end, I kinda don’t care if she’s lying or not, so long as her plan failed and I get my CDs back along with a new machine. 

When I did this before with the maternity clothes I mentioned upthread, I went to the friend’s house to get the clothes, she walked upstairs to me and then said something like, “I got rid of the older things; they were falling apart. I can’t get to the others because they are in the attic behind other furniture.” It was some really hard feelings for me because there were several items I loved and expected to wear again later. I have a photo of her wearing my favorite maternity top...that photo still makes me feel a bit angry about it. 

Really, it’s just better not to lend, not to borrow. King Solomon was right on that one. 

[teachermom2834]

If I borrowed anything I would be over the top about replacing it and then some if something happened. But I won’t borrow stuff. So it is probably true that the people that would be most responsible for returning things are the same people who will just avoid borrowing altogether.

My borrowing go wrong story. I had a friend who was kind of OCD about a lot of things and overspending was one of them. And she was kind of flighty. So she “lent” me tons of maternity clothes. I want to say like three or four big garbage bags full. She told me she didn’t want them back and to pass them on when I was done. She had had her tubes tied and was positive she was done and didn’t want them back. She was decluttering and acted relieved I was taking them off her hands.
 

So...I passed them on. I donated them to a crisis pregnancy center that was a favorite cause of this friend who “loaned” the clothes. 
 

And, yep, a couple years later she was preparing to sell a bunch of baby stuff in a big consignment sale. She wanted the clothes back. She insisted she never told me to pass them on. I’m positive I wouldn’t dream of getting rid of them if she hadn’t said to, and I’m positive I verified before donation. But she never did believe she had told me she wouldn’t want them back.

So it was just a big misunderstanding even though neither party had any ill intent or irresponsibility. I’ve been extremely careful ever since then. 

We do have some people in our life that we will loan things to with the idea we likely won’t get them back but it is the cost of the relationship and people over things. But, my dh buys only bottom of the line yard tools and equipment for this reason 🙁

[Jentrovert]

I agree with you. I was taught that if you borrow something, you return it in same as or better condition than you receive it. I once borrowed a paint sprayer and the owner was shocked at how clean it was when I returned it.

When I lend, though, I expect it to return (if at all) in worse condition. So I'm careful. I usually make arrangements for the return when I give it to the borrower. Ultimately, though, I don't lend anything I can't part with.

Maybe she sold the discs to help fund the machine. 😕

 

[vonfirmath]

22 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

If I borrowed anything I would be over the top about replacing it and then some if something happened. But I won’t borrow stuff. So it is probably true that the people that would be most responsible for returning things are the same people who will just avoid borrowing altogether.

My borrowing go wrong story. I had a friend who was kind of OCD about a lot of things and overspending was one of them. And she was kind of flighty. So she “lent” me tons of maternity clothes. I want to say like three or four big garbage bags full. She told me she didn’t want them back and to pass them on when I was done. She had had her tubes tied and was positive she was done and didn’t want them back. She was decluttering and acted relieved I was taking them off her hands.
 

So...I passed them on. I donated them to a crisis pregnancy center that was a favorite cause of this friend who “loaned” the clothes. 
 

And, yep, a couple years later she was preparing to sell a bunch of baby stuff in a big consignment sale. She wanted the clothes back. She insisted she never told me to pass them on. I’m positive I wouldn’t dream of getting rid of them if she hadn’t said to, and I’m positive I verified before donation. But she never did believe she had told me she wouldn’t want them back.

So it was just a big misunderstanding even though neither party had any ill intent or irresponsibility. I’ve been extremely careful ever since then. 

We do have some people in our life that we will loan things to with the idea we likely won’t get them back but it is the cost of the relationship and people over things. But, my dh buys only bottom of the line yard tools and equipment for this reason 🙁

I had a friend try to loan me baby clothes on "Lend" and I just said No Thanks. I don't need the hassle of keeping her lent clothes separate from my babies, worrying if they got messed up, etc.

 

From the OP's situation -- if something I borrowed got broken and I replaced it, I'd throw the original away. I wouldn't hold onto it "in case" the OP wanted the broken item returned as well.  (But worry about breaking is why I don't like borrowing expensive stuff)

[Guest]

18 minutes ago, Dreamergal said:

Thanks for this OP. When I saw your post I was so tempted to ask what machine it was that was so covetable and did not want to seem gauche. I am racking my brains to replace experience presents that will not clutter and this seems like a win

Can I ask a question about CDs that were also so very covetable ? Do Karaoke machines require specials CDs or will normal CD's be ok ? 
Thanks.

Also, Get your CD's back ! 

Yes, it has to be a CD+G (I assume the “G” stands for “Graphics”) because that is what makes the words to the songs scroll onto the machine the singer is looking at. You can just play regular music CDs on it for fun, but you will be singing over the voice of the real singer, and you won’t have words scrolling on the screen. So that wouldn’t really be any different from just playing a music CD and singing along. 

[Guest]

49 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

I had a friend try to loan me baby clothes on "Lend" and I just said No Thanks. I don't need the hassle of keeping her lent clothes separate from my babies, worrying if they got messed up, etc.

 

From the OP's situation -- if something I borrowed got broken and I replaced it, I'd throw the original away. I wouldn't hold onto it "in case" the OP wanted the broken item returned as well.  (But worry about breaking is why I don't like borrowing expensive stuff)

I had something like that happen too, in my early mom years, except it was books. My friend lent me books I did not ask to borrow; basically, she wanted me to be storage for her. She did make it extremely clear that she was just lending them to me and wanted them back some day for her future grandkids. I am sorry to say I did not have the good sense to refuse this arrangement. My kid literally barfed on one of the books when she was sick in bed. That’s when I realized this was a really terrible idea and I would never again “borrow” something I didn’t request. 

And actually, I knew about another situation with this same person who had a sibling “borrow” furniture while they were between homes. The chair got scorched by a hot iron. The “lender” friend was furious, but really I thought it was unfair. She had basically foisted her furniture on her sister while she didn’t have a house to keep it in. So it was really her fault, IMO. 

[SKL]

Some of these posts remind me of a person with whom I was acquainted in grad school.  She was moving, and she had some bags of books.  She asked us to keep them in our apartment for her and she'd come back for them.  She never did.

For decades, I was careful to keep her books separate for when she would come back for them.  Finally I just mixed them in with my books, read some, probably donated some afterwards.  I hope I'm safe from her coming back at this point.  😛

And then there was another person who visited our house before moving to another state.  She borrowed some of my kids' Harry Potter books, promising to send them back as soon as she was done reading them.  That was a couple years ago.  I mean, she could have easily bought her own books and then done anything she wanted with them.  But now this is in the back of my mind and hers (I assume).

[Lori D.]

Ug, yes. It's not really the money, it's the total disregard of common courtesy. The ideas of "it's not yours, so treat it like it's an irreplaceable treasure", and, "If you borrow something, return it promptly, and in as good-if-not-better-condition." 

The one that tore it for me lending homeschool materials to anyone except very trusted friends happened when a more casual friend borrowed a homeschool book (about $15 and not OOP, so easily replaceable), spilled coffee all over the pages, which stained and water-warped a good chunk of the book. She did said "Oh dear, I'll replace it!" And she did -- but SHE kept the replacement, and handed ME the damaged one that she had coffee-stained!  🤯

It really wasn't about the book, and it wasn't even the fact that she damaged the book (accidents happen!) It was that she said she would replace the book, which to me means, "I'm so sorry I damaged your item which you kindly loaned me! I'll give you a new one" -- and not: "I'll replace your now-damaged book for ME to have a nice new one to use, and give YOU back your original, which I damaged for you." 😱

Edited September 28, 2020 by Lori D.

[Selkie]

This doesn't involve borrowing, but this thread just reminded me of something that happened years ago. A relative asked if she could store a rug in our basement. It was a big rug - the size of her living room - and it was rolled up and took up a lot of space. I didn't want it in our basement, but she nagged and cajoled until I said okay. Well, at the time we had a cat who was semi-feral and quirky and territorial - and she must have smelled relative's cat on the rug because she peed all over it. Relative was mad, but hey - that's what happens when you nag someone into providing free storage for your stuff!🙂

[Shoeless]

I'm really hope you get your cd's back!

I'm also really glad that you posted this, because I'd always felt like I was being grinchy by not loaning out things or by simply saying "Oh here, just KEEP IT!" Every.single.time. I've loaned something out, I either never get it back or have to argue to get it back. 

Not long ago, I broke my personal rule about not loaning things out, because a very sweet person asked if they could borrow some curriculum I had.  Sure.  After all, they pride themselves on being a "good Christian" who is super honest, and surely they'd return the curriculum...

Nope.  Never got it back, and then somehow I was the jerk for being "pushy" about asking for its return.   And then kiddo asked for it, because he wanted to reread the books, so I had to rebuy it. 😕 

I suspect that the people who are most trustworthy to loan things to are the ones that would never, ever ask to borrow in the first place!

[Guest]

51 minutes ago, Danae said:

I didn’t realize he wrote Hamlet! 

Well, people have said for ages there’s no way Shakespeare wrote all his plays and poems, so...😁

[vonfirmath]

1 hour ago, Danae said:

I didn’t realize he wrote Hamlet! 

Ah. When she referenced King Solomon I thought to Proverbs 22:7

 

[vonfirmath]

I wonder if there are certain things that are safer/easier to loan out than others.

 

IE things with a short timespan. So I'd be willing to lend that karoake machine for a party (Or a dish). Or a lawn mower, etc

But not clothes, curriculum, etc that would be needed over a long period of times.

 

Personally I'd be willing to lend a book for someone to read and return -- but only books with no sentimental value such that its no big deal if they don't come back. I do have a friend who won't do it though because it affects her attitude toward the person if the book does not get returned.

[Scarlett]

52 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well, people have said for ages there’s no way Shakespeare wrote all his plays and poems, so...😁

LOL....I didn't catch it either.....I bet you were thinking of 'The borrower is slave to the lender'.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

I wonder if there are certain things that are safer/easier to loan out than others.

 

IE things with a short timespan. So I'd be willing to lend that karoake machine for a party (Or a dish). Or a lawn mower, etc

But not clothes, curriculum, etc that would be needed over a long period of times.

 

Personally I'd be willing to lend a book for someone to read and return -- but only books with no sentimental value such that its no big deal if they don't come back. I do have a friend who won't do it though because it affects her attitude toward the person if the book does not get returned.

This reminds of the movie Out of Africa where Robert Redford's character said to Meryl Streep's character, 'He was a friend, but he didn't return a book he borrowed to me.'  She said, 'you would lose a friend over a book?' And he said, 'no but he did.'

[EmseB]

Any updates? Are you getting your cds? I'm a nosy Nelly and killing time at Walmart pickup.

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, EmseB said:

Any updates? Are you getting your cds? I'm a nosy Nelly and killing time at Walmart pickup.

I hope so, but I still don’t have a firm date this is going to happen because the young lady is planning to hand them off to dd. They do usually see each other about once a month, but it will surely be a few weeks before that might have happened. I will get them back in part because I am committed to not letting it drop and if she “keeps forgetting” I will keep nagging her. 

 

In a completely unrelated strange twist on the original subject, something interesting happened yesterday. I was doing a major clean-out of a storage area in our house and I have costumes I had made for my kids for Halloween many years ago. There was one costume I “borrowed” from my SIL when my dd was three. (I say “borrowed,” but really this was offered to me by her, since her kids had outgrown that costume by then. So, I guess I “borrowed” it but she never indicated or requested it back.)Over the years, we became ex-friends; for a while, we could barely be in the same room together. But apparently that costume remained in my storage, along with a few others that were very precious. 

Anyway. I saw this costume that had come from her so many years ago (20) and sent her a picture and a text. I said I was cleaning out stored clothes, am taking stuff to Goodwill, and did she want this costume back? Guys, never in a million years did I expect this but she said yes. She wants that 30-year-old costume back!  Wow. Glad I asked. 

As an aside, her shenanigans around “borrowing” and “lending” stuff was a big factor on why I decided on this policy all those years ago. She was also famous for giving things to people and then claiming they kept them against her wishes. (She did this with furniture she gave me for my son.)  I have to wonder if she has been muttering for twenty years about how I kept the preschooler’s costume all these years. She wants the costume now because she will have two grandkids soon. 

She asked me if I had another costume from her kids, which my dd never used. I was tempted to say, “no; remember you hated me by then, so I never borrowed that one...” 

[Guest]

On 9/29/2020 at 9:24 AM, vonfirmath said:

I wonder if there are certain things that are safer/easier to loan out than others.

 

IE things with a short timespan. So I'd be willing to lend that karoake machine for a party (Or a dish). Or a lawn mower, etc

But not clothes, curriculum, etc that would be needed over a long period of times.

 

Personally I'd be willing to lend a book for someone to read and return -- but only books with no sentimental value such that its no big deal if they don't come back. I do have a friend who won't do it though because it affects her attitude toward the person if the book does not get returned.

Certainly some things are easier to loan than others if you’re not risking much, but IMO (and I think the numerous stories in this thread testify so) I don’t think it has that much to do with the monetary value of the lent item. When someone accidentally ruins your book or never, ever, ever returns the scarf they borrowed that windy day you went shopping together, it just does breed hard feelings. 

When the item is nominal it can make the lender feel worse about simply trying to get their thingy back, because you don’t want to seem like a putz for bothering the friend about your ten dollar rubber stamp they borrowed, but OTOH, it’s yours, you weren’t planning to be rid of the stamp and the right behavior from the borrower is to return it in perfect condition as soon as possible. 

I do think it is more problematic to lend something for long-term or without an obvious end game because, unless the borrower is super-conscientious, you will eventually have to ask for the item back, or a date when it can be returned. I realized this once when I loaned another hser my microscope and slides. It did work out in the end but I worried about the darn thing because it was expensive, could be easily ruined by a careless kid, and was out of my jurisdiction for a year. When I agree to lend it, my thinking was, “Well, sure; I don’t have a kid doing biology this year, so might as well share resources to help one another ou.” But in retrospect, I realized I would not lend that out in future because if it were ruined or forever kept, I would have been awfully steamed.