I need the polar opposite of what I prefer to teach with

[Melissa in Australia]

10 hours ago, happycc said:

What you have gone through trauma your processing speed for heavy cognitive things and frontal lobe just shuts down and it is your mere basic survival mode that is activated. 

As a child who was taken out by CPS it took many years of trauma to finally get me out (early teens for me). It was years and years of neglect, trauma and abuse before I was finally out.  And in some of the placements, the abuse and neglect continued. So basically back to square one. 14 placements in 4 years. Which doesn't count the many home bopping I had prior to being taken out by the government. I was in a ton of different homes of strangers my parents would leave me. I have no memory of names anymore. 

So my sleep was disturbed. I was hypervigilant. Can't focus. Hypersexual more than I should be at my age. Always kind of hoarding for food, stuff etc. Attention wise...I craved but then pushed it away. Sabotage it. You never know what kind of attention you would get and sometimes no attention is better than bad attention. Or when you finally get good attention, it doesn't last and you lose it forever. 

I am 48 years old and I just finally finished my college degree May 2020. Prior to that I was dealing with traumas after traumas and trying to recover. I still am. But at an older age I have better skills to stay focus and get some good thinking going. I am finally for once overweight. LOL. Steady amount of food because my husband buys it and keeps it stocked in the house and he is a great cook. Due to the abuse and neglect, I have a very funny relationship with food. Intense guilt when I bought food and fed myself. I don't enjoy eating things unless given and prepared for me. I feel anxious when I prepare my own food like I am doing something wrong. I was not allowed in my kitchen as a kid.  My house is stacked with books and that makes me feel safe. My husband comes home every night and is not drunk or loaded on drugs or in a bad mood. He knows he needs to stay in his car, get his work done and come home with a positive mood before seeing me or else I am in a mess cowering in my room or agitated. He knows not to ever raise his voice. And never give me a certain look. He knows not to touch me if I am agitated. There are certain people I can be around and certain I cannot be around. He picks up on it now and ushers them away. 

PTSD is a long long struggle. Be trauma informed. You can leave little art kits around, journals and paper and pencils with stickers. Glitter. Give her art supplies for school work. Give her music to listen. 

Take her lead. Let her digest what has happened to her, what is happening to her and she is probably scared knowing she might get placed back or placed somewhere else. She's not in her forever safe home yet. It won't be until she is an adult and has her own established home and family where she can let her guard down. Unfortunately she is placed in a large family and probably needs to be in a smaller home for her to truly heal and get the attention she really needs. Hopefully she gets some 1:1 therapy. The group homes I was placed him was more harm than good. It was already hard enough to deal with new adult authorities but then to deal with additional personalities and traumas of the other kids was just too much at times. Plus living with the new families' kids was just too painful in having to see how damn good their life was compared to mine made me even more depressed. 

If you must do school work, print out packets. Have her pick and choose. Sullivan reading program is a self directed self correcting program. That could be healing for her. No one grades her work or looks at work but her. Find things easy like simple drawing activities, to mazes, to dot to dot, word searches, crosswords, color by number. Let that brain heal. Abuse hurts the break too. 

Some days I couldn't leave the house. Some days I craved to have companionship but just couldn't talk or interact. I wanted people around but my brain was on shut down mode. I just needed all the adrenaline within me to subside. I eventually became an adrenaline junkie seeking situations that would rev that  because my body didn't know what to do without it. Now when things have calmed down, something happens and the adrenaline gets in my system and I am not feeling well emotionally. 

thank you so much for sharing this. It really helps us people trying to parent traumatized children to gain a better understanding

 

hugs

 

[goldenecho]

It could be a coping mechanism for feeling stupid.  Sometimes it's easier to kids to say they "don't want to answer" than admit "I don't know how to answer."   (That explains too the anger.   It's jealousy and feeling worse because other kids could get it...especially if the kids are her age our younger. )   She's probably used to blending into the background at school, and not used to this much direct attention.   Maybe ask her if she would rather if you asked her questions when the other kids weren't listening, or if she would rather write it down and have you look at it without showing everyone else. 


Other kids need more time to think through a question.   My middle kiddo hated having to come up with answers on the spot.    To test if this is the case, try asking a question and then say...ok, everyone close your eyes and think of an answer for (30 seconds, a minute, whatever), and then we'll talk about what you thought up.    If this helps, than that might have been part of it.


Also, for stocking stuffers for Christmas, I definitely suggest giving her a coupon booklet with some "skip this question" coupons (a way for you to let her out of some of the questions without making it seem unfair).  


(I have no experience with fostering, but I have a child who had a very bad experience with Kindergarten, which is why I homeschooled him, and he resisted learning a lot.   Feeling stupid was a large part of it and took years to get past.). 

Edited October 25, 2020 by goldenecho

[kiwik]

On 9/25/2020 at 6:42 PM, Condessa said:

The best and worst moments seem to be linked.  It’s like a part of her wants to be close to us, and a part of her feels threatened by that desire and wants to drive us off because of it.  So the other day when she was wanting to be held and cuddled and play, and called us Mom and Dad for the first times, was during other parts of the day the worst day we have ever had with her.  As in, I couldn’t leave the room she was in without her finding another child to go after.  And her defiance towards me seems to swing with her desire to be close to me, too.  

I do think it is defiance, not a disguise for being unable, because it stretches to everything I tell her, not just school.  But I could be wrong.

She is a child who has a traumatic past and is dealing with change.  She is doing the best she can.  Children do well when they can.  She is also 7 so if she doesn't do anything in the way of output it is not going to matter long term.

[Condessa]

4 hours ago, kiwik said:

She is a child who has a traumatic past and is dealing with change.  She is doing the best she can.  Children do well when they can.  She is also 7 so if she doesn't do anything in the way of output it is not going to matter long term.

She has gone back to live with her former foster parents.  We wanted to make it possible for the sisters to all be together, but it didn’t work out.  In the end, I am glad she was happily settled back with them before my son’s diagnosis and the ensuing chaos.