What would you do?

[Alice]

I'm posting here as I'm looking for wisdom on how to handle a situation with a new friend/accquaintance and thought you all might be able to help me.

 

I don't want to go into too much detail as this involves a homeschooler who I "met" on another message board. I'm pretty sure she doesn't come here but not 100% sure.

 

Basically the question is if I should talk to this person about suscipions I have about her son's devlopment. I suspect he has autism/PDD. The Mom does not seem to be aware of this. She is young and inexperienced. I think she might suspect but not yet be ready to accept it. She explains his behaviour away or makes a point of defending his behaviours without me asking. This is not a close friend but more of an acquaintance. And without going into too much detail, assume I've had plenty of opportunity to observe this boy. It's somewhat complicated by the fact that I'm a pediatrician and the Mom knows that. I'm afraid she'll feel like I'm diagnosing her child, and that's not my intention. (I'm not his pediatrician and she doesn't come to my practice.)

 

Anyway, I go back and forth on this in my mind....part of me says I should just wait until it comes up in the conversation (I see the boy in settings that it could come up) and then recommend she talk to her doctor about it. Part of me says I'm being a wimp and don't want to have her get angry at me or offended (which I think will happen). And I wonder if the kindest thing to do is to let her know what I think so she can get him help earlier rather than later.

 

I know this is a bit vague. Any thoughts? If someone told you suspicions they had about your child was it helpful or hurtful? Can it be done in a way that is kind and graceful? Or is it better just to mind my own business and let her bring it up if she wants.

 

TIA

[jensway]

Being the mom of a son with AS, I would recommend you tell her something. If there is something a miss, then the sooner her son gets help the better.

 

Now how do you tell her? I had a friend with a young son who has some challenges with not thriving. I was much in the same position you are. Here's what I did. I got the number for Early Childhood Intervention and gave it to her. I'm not sure how old the child in question is for you.

 

If he's school age, then get the local public schools head diagnostician's number and give that to her. Hand her the number and quietly say there are some things that you have seen in her son that she might want to have checked out. Do not go any further unless she questions you. I would not address what it might be--just that you had noticed that a few things seem a little off and that it's best left for the experts.

 

This way you will have made the effort to help her and head her in the right direction if she chooses. She just may not know where to look for help. If she doesn't take action right now, then that's OK, maybe somewhere down the line someone else will plant another seed and someone else will water it.

 

Going about it in a non judgmental way I don't think anyone would be offended. Let her know if she would like to talk you would be happy to.

[Alice]

Thanks Jen! Your reply was helpful.

 

Anyone else?

[Scarlett]

Thanks Jen! Your reply was helpful.

 

Anyone else?

 

Here is my experience. Twice in my life I've had to tell 2 different women about their cheating husbands. Both times, one going on currently, *I* paid a price. However, in examing my motives and the situation, I've come to the conclusion that price was just what had to be paid for ME to do the right thing.

 

So what I'm saying is that you may be dead on in your prediction of her negative reaction. But...if it helps this child....isn't that worth the price?

 

I do agree with the PP's suggestion on the gentle approach.

[Alice]

Thanks, Scarlett.

 

I totally agree that if it helps the child it's worth the price. It's not so much that I'm worried about how it will effect me...I'm not sure what my hesitation is. Now that I sit here trying to type a good reason for me to not say something I can't really think of one. That's probably my answer right there.

[SkateLeft]

Could she possibly be addressing the issue privately, and just not sharing that with you? If you do bring it up, you might find that she's already aware of it, even though she seems to have explained away the behavior previously.

 

Several times, I've had well-meaning acquaintances ask me if I've considered that my son has autism/speech delays/developmental delays/whatever they happen to notice/etc. The truth is that he's been under the care of a neurologist and his pediatrician, and has been receiving multiple services through Early Intervention for a long time. In February, we'll probably put him in the special education preschool in our district. But I don't often share that information with people that I don't know well, if that makes sense. :)

 

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. I think I'd want someone to tell me if they thought something was wrong with one of my kids. On the other hand, I'd probably not think too highly of the intrusion into something that I feel is between myself and my son's doctors, and I have gotten offended when people have pushed the issue, forcing me to explain something that I'm not comfortable sharing.

 

Maybe just casually saying something like, "Have you mentioned your son's -insert whatever you're most concerned about- to his pediatrician?" and leaving it at that would be best?

[Alice]

Thanks Sharon for your perspective. It is definitely possible that she's addressing the issue and not sharing with me...she has no real reason to share with me what she is doing. Like I said, it's not a close friend. My other concern has been that the child is in a setting with me as a teacher (although very informal) and I don't want to make her feel like I don't want him there. Many of the behaviours are very disruptive and difficult, I'm ok with that and want them to be welcome but I think that has made me more hesitant to appproach her.

 

I think I'm going to pray for grace and that I can find the right words that I can bring this up in a gentle way. And if she shuts down or is obviously not intersted in talking about it more...I'll leave it.

[Rebecca in VA]

I'm not at all a fan of beating around the bush. In fact, I'm more offended by someone who agonizes over how to tell me something (do they really think I'm going to go to pieces if I hear bad news?) than someone who tells me a truth in a gentle, direct, and matter-of-fact way.

 

Two years ago the principal of my son's school had a talk with my husband and me. She told us that our son was moody and didn't seem happy. She told us that antidepressants had worked really well for a family member of hers, and that *possibly* they (or some other form of treatment) could help our son. I was glad and grateful to hear her opinion because I had been thinking the same thing and my husband had been resisting going the meds route. We did make an appointment for him right away, and he did go on medication, which turned his life around.

 

If the principal had been too squeamish and afraid to speak her heart to us, we might still be going round and round about what to do about our son. Instead, she gave some clarity and hope to our situation. I am very grateful to her.

 

So I'm in favor of telling your friend what you see -- in a kind and straightforward way -- and letting her do what she wishes with the information. She may not know how to respond, and she might even deny there's a problem, but she will almost certainly think long and hard about what you said.