Homeschooling good for child, horrible for me

[bethben]

I am back to homeschooling my last two after a three year break sending them to school due to Covid craziness.  My high school sophomore is taking mostly online classes and is very independent.  He's an introvert and is just happy to be able to have time to do what he feels is important.  My 7th grade dd is mostly independent apart from a few questions here and there and math.  She has a one day a week enrichment co-op that takes care of some writing, PE, science experiments, literature discussions, and art.  Both are fairly compliant.  My dd has continually expressed how much less stressed she is and how "she doesn't feel as aggressive" as she did at the small public school she went to.  She was in a constant state of alert and never felt safe.  As a result of not feeling safe, she was hitting kids on the sly that she didn't feel safe around (she's adopted so has some trauma).  She is this 5ft thin little thing and had made some boys who were easily 6 inches taller than her with more weight afraid of her.  Her emotional state is HUGELY improved.  I am also taking care of my 21 year old severely disabled son and have a 19 year old who is working part time trying to figure out his next life step.  My disabled son whines all day because he just wants my attention.  There are no programs available to him (he's been on a waiting list for two years) and even if there were, I would be spending minimum two hours driving daily to bring him to the program.   My dh is also home working until at least January because his company won't let employees back yet - he's beyond stressed because he's used to working with two screens to keep organized and has been reduced to a small laptop.  He wants to get back to his office and isn't allowed to do so.  

The problem is me.  I am still trying to get my health back to a place where anything beyond the minimum puts so much extra stress on me.  I feel like I have reached my limit already in what I can handle.  It's been 5 weeks.  I have trouble keeping up with food in the house because I essentially have 4 kids over 13.  They eat a ton which is expected.  My dd is a energetic talker.  She's usually happy excepting those hormones that surge every once in a while.  It's not any one thing.  It's just the sum of everything.  By the time I can get a break to come up for breath, it's 3-4 pm.  Then, dinner prep.  That's a whole different issue since I have to follow a pretty reduced diet to try and heal the stuff that's causing the health issues.  So, everyone eats like I do for dinner, but it's a lot of prep and I can't do convenience foods because they don't exist with my diet restrictions.  

Basically, I don't know what to do.  The school my daughter was at does eLearning horribly, has most likely filled her spot, and didn't really discipline kids well anyway.  The other schools around us are very overcrowded (and not going back to regular classes at this point anyway) and I know know know that would cause my daughter safety issues in general.  She's doing so well mentally.  SO WELL.  I feel like this is what I'm stuck with.  Does anyone have a kid that does so much better being homeschooled with a great sacrifice to your own health - mental or physical?  Maybe there are no answers, but only "I get you girl!" response?  

[Clemsondana]

I don't have that problem, but in our situation I have 2 kids that I homeschool who are each into several time-consuming extracurriculars that included driving all over the place.  Prior to the plague, I also had a husband who traveled a couple of weeks each month and I have a couple of paid and volunteer things that take some time...so, not the same at all, but it was leading to a similar problem, which was feeling like I was going to lose my mind because I couldn't get it all done with the time left over.  I finally laid it out to everybody - the only 'free' time that I have during the week is between 2-4 on M and F, and after 9:30 pm, but only if everybody goes to be bed without a fuss, and....and it's not possible, or reasonable, to think that I can do everything in that time.  What specific things the rest of the family does has changed over the years, but my husband has taken over sweeping, we've changed how laundry and dishes get done, etc.  It may be a different set of things for your family - could you meal prep as a group on Sunday afternoons?  Are there chores that you could outsource to the kids?  I finally told my kids that the cost to them for not dealing with the hassles of school and for having the privilege of doing their activities is that they had to help make it possible for me to do those things by helping with the things that I could otherwise be doing for the family.  I hope that you can find a solution that works for everybody.  

[Miss Tick]

Sorry you are feeling this way. I know you have been around this block before.

I would suggest streamlining as much as possible. It sounds like meal prep is a looming chore for you. Perhaps lunch is always sandwiches except Wednesdays when it is Mac & cheese (or whatever works for you all) Everyone can be in charge of their own. Be sure that your evening meal plan includes some nights that are easy to fix, maybe a delivery night if that works.

Your DH should be able to connect a second screen to his laptop if that is a problem for him. My DH has done that some how.

[bethben]

Thankfully, I taught my kids how to clean the house years ago so I don’t clean, just supervise.  I also don’t do dishes for the same reason.  Food is hard.  I do have to rethink that.  I can eat meat, veggies, and fruit.   Today, for lunch, I ran out of lettuce—my main “easy” lunch.  So, I made GF red lentil pasta with dairy free homemade pesto from my freezer.  My body doesn’t like me right now.  I am working to heal this, but Covid and extra stress surrounding that whole system has really thrown my whole digestive system out of whack.  I had just made it over the proverbial hump with healing some systems and then Covid hit and smacked me down again.  

My disabled ds can’t eat gluten), my dd is lactose intolerant, and my very functional autistic ds is just plain picky about a lot.  If I make some baked goods that are gluten and dairy free, the picky kid won’t touch them.  He’s also the child who didn’t gain any weight as a 15 year old.  Just making sure he eats is a chore.  I’ve always been pretty good with meal planning, but it’s hard when you can’t have a break.  Chinese, which everyone can eat is getting old.  My DH craved pizza one night, so he got some for the ones who could eat it, but I still wound up having to pull something together for three of us.  

[Garga]

My son has 3 screens hooked up to his laptop right now and is thinking of getting a fourth.  So, it’s possible. 

Unless you just don’t have the extra screen.  My dh says to keep an eye on slickdeals.net for a cheap monitor if you don’t have an extra one.

[LMD]

I'm sorry, that does sound really tough. I imagine made worse because there are no other options, feeling trapped is so hard.

It sounds like the food issue is a big, draining one. Would your picky kid (19y/o) be capable of sorting out his own non-dinner meals/snacks? You could even give him a meal allowance and say something like - happy for you to eat with us, but happy for you to choose your own option. That might take one hurdle out of the equation?

Can you create in-home, other family member options for helping you with attention for your 21 year old. I'm envisioning managers of their homes style sibling playtime. They could be scheduled, short and managed (ie, can your 19 year old commit to playing a video game with him for 30 minutes? Can your dh do something with him in the yard for 30 minutes, your other highschooler draw/paint with him for 15minutes etc) Just knowing that you can look forward to being only the backup attention-giver, for a small amount of regular and predictable time every day might help?

Sorry if these are way off or offensive to suggest. It feels hard because it is hard.

[kiwik]

56 minutes ago, Garga said:

My son has 3 screens hooked up to his laptop right now and is thinking of getting a fourth.  So, it’s possible. 

Unless you just don’t have the extra screen.  My dh says to keep an eye on slickdeals.net for a cheap monitor if you don’t have an extra one.

I have a second hand screen and my laptop is 18 inches but I might get a third.

[Ausmumof3]

I don’t have kids that have been adopted so this may not work for you if you have attachment trauma but the 13 year old is old enough to learn about your need for some mental space and give you that.   I know you can’t get a program for your disabled son - are you able to get funding for or access to any in home help at all?  I’d also consider getting your kids to do some of the cooking.   Other than the one with disability all Of them should be old enough to cook one meal each.  If you aren’t already shop online for groceries and get them delivered.  

[bethben]

14 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

  I’d also consider getting your kids to do some of the cooking.   Other than the one with disability all Of them should be old enough to cook one meal each.  

I am looking into this.  I thought those meal kits may make this a bit easier.  I looked at one that said it worked around food allergies.  Apparently, I have too many for some.  It would be a good skill to at least start with a “kit” because that is something that could teach them to cook without me having to invest as much time.

[Lucy the Valiant]

Just tossing out ideas that might help - could you plan out meals that your kids CAN do, even on a rotating basis? We take a day around the beginning of the semester and just do "freezer meal prep" day - each of my kids prepares 2 freezer dinners, big ones (so - leftovers! which they love!), and then map out low-stress meals balanced with the "fancier" ones. If that's not helpful in your situation, ignore me - just brainstorming with you.

Monday = 16yo makes dinner. Tuesday = DH + the 13yo together make dinner. Wednesday = freezer meal / crock pot soup. Thursday = YOUR DAY. Friday = chicken & salad & popcorn, every week unless someone volunteers something different. So you're really only cooking one night a week?

[Shoeless]

If the food prep is draining you, can you enlist everyone else to help with the prep? Would it be easier if you just prepped your own dinner and everyone else did what they wanted for dinner?  Does everyone have to eat the same thing at each meal? 

[Ausmumof3]

52 minutes ago, bethben said:

I am looking into this.  I thought those meal kits may make this a bit easier.  I looked at one that said it worked around food allergies.  Apparently, I have too many for some.  It would be a good skill to at least start with a “kit” because that is something that could teach them to cook without me having to invest as much time.

For gluten free I would maybe just have them make a really simple meal of fried chicken thighs with salt pepper and herbs vege sticks and rice. You don’t need them to be able to make every meal.  You just need them to be able to do one meal a week.  I’m not sure what the other allergies are but basically I’d think modular meals that are easy to switch stuff out.  You can work up to other stuff when you have more time but for now you want something to make life easier not harder.

[Clemsondana]

Is there a list of things that work as a common main dish that different people can do different diet-specific things with?  My family is fond of shredded meats (from the instapot or crock pot) - could you do something like that and then people could eat it with rice, on a sandwich, on a baked potato, or on a salad?  Maybe cooking one side each day, but with leftovers so that there were always multiples available so that people could have something to reheat so that you didn't feel like a short-order cook?  Or something like refried beans (ours are just pintos with some garlic, cumin, salt, and pepper)?   Sides don't have to involve much cooking - veggie sticks, sliced fruit, etc, are fine if your people eat them.  We've had stretches where our go-to was some sort of shredded meat, rice or quinoa, and either a roasted veggie (broccolli, asparagus, or sauteed green beans), or sliced fresh fruit/veggie.  We grow a lot of our veggies, but I also keep canned mandarin oranges (weird, but my kids like them and each will eat a whole can as a side) or applesauce (store bought or homemade) because I don't have to do anything with them.  We also keep a stash of canned soup and other easy-to-fix things, so maybe your picky eater could have that as a backup plan?  I know it's frustrating when a task seems to completely overwhelm everything, and you have a lot going on even before you get to dinner.  

[J-rap]

That sounds hard -- you have your hands full.  When I was homeschooling all five kids, I didn't enjoy cooking much so that was hard for me...  But I then I kind of settled on about 12 meals and just rotated them around.  Plus one night a week we had popcorn, cheese and apples for dinner.  I generally made things in the slow-cooker, super simple stuff that just cooked all day and tasted good:  black beans and rice, lentil/sausage soup, BBQ chicken over rice, things like that.  Super easy, and the kids eventually learned to throw the ingredients into the slow cooker themselves and that made it even easier.  Everyone was on their own for breakfast and lunch.  We always had plenty of leftovers so the kids could re-heat for lunch or turn them into burritos, etc.   Then super simple sides of veggies and fruit.   Kids would take turns cleaning the kitchen in the evenings.  

Usually during typical "dinner prep" time though, my food was actually already cooking away in the slow cooker, so that was the time I got to have to myself doing whatever I wanted to do.

Now I love to cook though, so go figure!

Anyway, I know this just addresses one small aspect of your day, but sometimes little things can make a difference.

[8filltheheart]

8 hours ago, J-rap said:

That sounds hard -- you have your hands full.  When I was homeschooling all five kids, I didn't enjoy cooking much so that was hard for me...  But I then I kind of settled on about 12 meals and just rotated them around.  Plus one night a week we had popcorn, cheese and apples for dinner.  I generally made things in the slow-cooker, super simple stuff that just cooked all day and tasted good:  black beans and rice, lentil/sausage soup, BBQ chicken over rice, things like that.  Super easy, and the kids eventually learned to throw the ingredients into the slow cooker themselves and that made it even easier.  Everyone was on their own for breakfast and lunch.  We always had plenty of leftovers so the kids could re-heat for lunch or turn them into burritos, etc.   Then super simple sides of veggies and fruit.   Kids would take turns cleaning the kitchen in the evenings.  

Usually during typical "dinner prep" time though, my food was actually already cooking away in the slow cooker, so that was the time I got to have to myself doing whatever I wanted to do.

Now I love to cook though, so go figure!

Anyway, I know this just addresses one small aspect of your day, but sometimes little things can make a difference.

I think leftovers is huge. I always cook enough for leftovers. I also expect help. If I do the cooking, the kids clean up after dinner. Whoever helps with dinner prep doesnt have to help with the dishes.

Agree that the kids are old enough to help with household management. If it isnt food prep, they should carry the load elsewhere. 

[PeterPan]

16 hours ago, bethben said:

Today, for lunch, I ran out of lettuce—my main “easy” lunch.

Do you do online grocery shopping? I find it a nice break to go pick up my online order and just sit and talk on the phone with a friend. Walmart has a low minimum ($35), so I can hit that pretty easily with salad stuff. Might not be perfect, but it works. 

Also consider some convenience foods. Do you have a Trader Joes near you? They have so many nice fully prepared foods that you just reheat. They have frozen quinoa melange, yum. Bean burritoes. Riced cauliflower. You might find some new things you can eat, just because they have so much variety.  And the you'd have some bake and go for the split meals. My dh likes red meat occasionally and I don't eat it. I keep these things around for those split meal nights.

Have you tried wild rice? Again, Trader Joes sells it. I wouldn't think it has gluten, because it's a grass, not a grain. Puffs up, works for anything where you'd use rice. Might give you some nice variety. You can cook it up in the instant pot (so easy), then have it in the frig to pull out to use through the week. If people aren't used to it, serving it mixed with spaghetti sauce is an easy way to start. It's also good with meatballs and gravy, shredded meat and gravy, whatever. Once you get used to it, plain is fine. But until then, serve with a sauce. Nuts, I even throw it in pots of chili.

[bethben]

13 hours ago, J-rap said:

That sounds hard -- you have your hands full.  When I was homeschooling all five kids, I didn't enjoy cooking much so that was hard for me...  But I then I kind of settled on about 12 meals and just rotated them around.  Plus one night a week we had popcorn, cheese and apples for dinner.  

I forgot that I used to do exactly this.  This will make things a bit easier since I used to also have a grocery list also with the 12 meal rotation where I would just circle what I needed.  One day a week can become breakfast for dinner or the cheese and cracker thing.  This will free up a lot of my brain space.

3 hours ago, PeterPan said:

Also consider some convenience foods. Do you have a Trader Joes near you? They have so many nice fully prepared foods that you just reheat. They have frozen quinoa melange, yum. Bean burritoes. Riced cauliflower. You might find some new things you can eat, just because they have so much variety.  And the you'd have some bake and go for the split meals. My dh likes red meat occasionally and I don't eat it. I keep these things around for those split meal nights.

I just saw a post about Trader Joe’s on an anti-inflammatory group I am a part of.  We have a health food store fairly close to us, but I never realized the variety Trader Joe’s has.  It’s not close, but it’s not that far.  I’m going to have to make some room in my freezer and go there.  My diet is just so insanely limited right now.  Being able to eat eggs again would be amazing in how many possibilities I could have again.

[ktgrok]

23 hours ago, ClemsonDana said:

Is there a list of things that work as a common main dish that different people can do different diet-specific things with?  My family is fond of shredded meats (from the instapot or crock pot) - could you do something like that and then people could eat it with rice, on a sandwich, on a baked potato, or on a salad?  Maybe cooking one side each day, but with leftovers so that there were always multiples available so that people could have something to reheat so that you didn't feel like a short-order cook?  

This is what I do. I cook up chicken breasts in the instant pot and shred them ( or just chop them) and then they can go on a salad, or I can make a fast (gluten free) gravy and serve it on rice or potatoes, or in gluten free tortillas with salsa, or I can sautee some mushrooms and onions and whatever and add in the chicken at the end with some spices, etc. 

Also, baked potatoes - cook a bunch at once. Sweet potatoes too. 

Oh, and if you go to Trader Joes get the frozen rice! It's jasmine (or they have brown rice) and just heats in the microwave in minutes! Great for fast dinners. 

[bethben]

So, I have a plan.  I made a list of meals that everyone can eat.  I am putting them into a separate ring binder so I'm not overwhelmed by choice.  I also made a shopping list for the meals where I can just print it out every three weeks or so and know what I need to get while crossing off everything I don't need.  I also have a "go crazy" day once every three weeks where I can make/cook a bunch of things and freeze them so I can just throw them into the oven or just add to the recipe (for example, just browning all the hamburger at one time).  I also have which recipes I can easily double and freeze for the next three week batch (hello spaghetti sauce!).   This way, recipes that do take a lot of time will take less time.  I also have some easy breakfast for dinner times, and the popcorn, cheese, vegetable, cracker tray idea.  The bonus thing is that I can get my kids involved because things are a bit simpler and everything is all right there.  I used to be this organized but have gotten out of the habit because I didn't "have" to be.  I am also going to make a stop at Trader Joes once a month and stock up on some easy frozen meals just for me so that when I have some of my easy peasy meals that involve stuff I can't eat, I can just warm up something for myself.  

Thanks for helping all!

Edited September 16, 2020 by bethben

[prairiewindmomma]

Yes (to your original question).

I have off-loaded a lot of the grocery shopping and meal making. I make the lists and plans but the actual work is done by family members.

ITA with preserving some mental space for you. Figure out what feeds your soul and do a bit of that on the regular.

[fairfarmhand]

Also, I’ve found that with older kids, I don’t have evenings to decompress like I did when they were little. Everyone is around all. The. Time.

so if I were in your shoes, I’d inform everyone that I was off the clock at 9 pm. And I’d go to My room, shut the door and watch tv on my laptop or read or take a bath or something. 

[ElizabethB]

Do a lighter school day Friday and have everyone help with meal prep and cleaning that day.  (And other days have them help, but do a lot on Friday.)

You can make extra meat and freeze.  A food saver and bags is worth the money.  For example, make twice the taco meat and food saver portions extra to use in tacos, burritos, enchiladas.  Get an extra freezer if you don't have one.

With my food allergies, I make my own taco seasoning, it's easy and very yummy, I make extra, it microwaves easily after freezing. I'm now allergic to something in the chili powder in grocery stores, this is more flavorful and cheaper than in store! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000RHVH58/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1 Chili powder, oregano, garlic, salt, cumin. I used to use pepper as well, but this chili powder is so spicy I now omit pepper.  Cook turkey in 100% corn oil, add spices, add water, simmer.

Have your husband make extra chicken or pork or steak on the BBQ, have BBQ for Friday dinner, food saver extras to later use in stir fry, fajitas, soups, etc.  

Get an instant pot, make meat in it, make extra to freeze.  Pork and beef cook well in the instant pot, cheaper cuts turn out well.

Make large batches of rice, freeze.  Bake a bunch of potatoes, sweet potatoes, chop, food saver, freeze.  For gluten free sides: rice, potatoes, sweet potatoes, chopped cabbage fried in olive oil. (Rice and sweet potatoes freeze fine, I'm not sure about cabbage, but cooked cabbage should freeze fine.) 

You can get a second screen with a laptop. Google for what is required to work with the specific laptop, cord and screen specific details.  Screen size does make a big difference for work ease and productivity.

You could do sandwitches/wraps/burritoes for lunch often, gluten free can use corn tortillas or have a potato bake or stir fry with their meat, microwave rice or potato, stir fry microwaved rice taxes 1 min.

Food doesn't have to be fancy, many meals can be a meat and a side and some quickly cooked veggies from cans or frozen.

Can you hire someone to do some meal prep once a week, cooking and chopping and freezing some things for you? 

Are there any meals at Trader Joes that you can eat? They have some interesting meals that might work.

 

Edited September 19, 2020 by ElizabethB

[ElizabethB]

Give me your list of foods you can eat and I'll brainstorm, I'm on a five day rotation diet with very limited foods due to my food allergies, also I did a lot of weird experimentation when I was "only" allergic to 17 foods, now I'm allergic to a lot more.  You can find weird foods in Asian and other ethnic grocery stores, also usually much cheaper than in something like a Whole Foods. 

Also, you should be able to eat anything you've never eaten before or don't eat often; quail eggs may be a possibility, for example.  You can use spaghetti squash and fried cabbage as starches. If you cook and freeze chopped squash, chopped cabbage and defrost for a day or two, it just takes 1 min of lightly frying to be edible. I make a breading from 100% rice with oil and water that works really well. It is a bit expensive but really yummy and I just use it myself in a separate pan so it lasts a while, I use cheaper breading for others. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00E4X881M/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1