Intense irritability and (maybe) perimenopause

[Ginevra]

I need guidance, or serious pharmaceuticals. I’m not sure if this is a side effect of Tamoxifen (cancer-preventing medication, which suppresses hormones), or my stage of perimenopause (pretty advanced, I’m guessing), but I am really struggling with irritability that is bordering on anti-social. Certain things (especially noise) just bothers me so much I cannot bear it. I have to slap on my noise-cancelling headphones or go outside for a furiously brisk walk. I know I am unfair towards these loud people I’m trapped in the house with. 

I meet with my cancer doctor in a couple of weeks and plan to mention it. 

I already do the other things that are supposed to help: yoga, exercise, walking, getting adequate sleep, listening to sleep stories and afternoon calm breaks, eating well, drinking water, taking vitamins...I think I have exhausted all of those possibilities, other than running away to a remote mountain cabin and living there for the next five years. (Which, believe me, sounds like a good idea sometimes.) 

Suggestions welcome. 

ETA: Here’s a little vignette: My big kids were home over the weekend and I made a nice dinner and dessert. Everything was fine during dinner, etc., but after dinner, I just wanted to retreat, almost desperately. I sat down in my sunroom, which is where I usually sit when I’m reading, on the web, etc., (Im sitting here right now). Dh came in and sat across from me. He just wants to idly chat. He doesn’t want to bother the kids, who are playing a game in the family room, but obviously, he wants to socialize with me. Well, I don’t want that. I really felt, inside, like I wanted to yell, “GO AWAY!!!” at him. I did *mention* to him, “Look, I’m tired from being ‘on’ all day and now I just want to chill here.” But he did not see that as a cue to go find something to do with himself. He stayed seated there for another half hour. I confess I was not engaging as a companion; I acknowledged whatever he was talking about but kept my ipad open, not really doing anything but sort of blocking him out. I think this was rather bad behavior on my part but this is what I mean; I feel so annoyed by other people intruding when I want peace, I am willfully sitting there being a non-communicative jerk wife. 

[saraha]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, I wish I had some great advice!

I am not on any kind of medicine that might be contributing, but girl, we could be the same person. I can't hardly stand to eat dinner with my family. They all just talk so loud, continuously, and most of the time at the same time. it is all I can do. I just feel so mean... I thought the noise thing was a side effect from a concussion I had almost 2 years ago (it started at the same time) but it never went away and now I just go around the house hushing people. I miss nap time when I had 2 hours of quiet to myself...

The noise coupled with a teenager who is into pushing boundries might end up with me in jail. Hopefully solitary confinement! 😉

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by saraha

[HS Mom in NC]

26 minutes ago, Quill said:

Suggestions welcome. 

 I really felt, inside, like I wanted to yell, “GO AWAY!!!” at him. I did *mention* to him, “Look, I’m tired from being ‘on’ all day and now I just want to chill here.” But he did not see that as a cue to go find something to do with himself. He stayed seated there for another half hour.

You're not being direct enough. Your choice of words left things too open to interpretation.  Not to be mean, but let's be realistic, many extroverts are absolutely clueless about picking up subtle signals like the ones you gave. Would most introverts read it loud and clear?  Yes.  Many extroverts just don't have it in them to read it, so you have to be explicit with them.  If you aren't explicit with many of them, it's the equivalent of expecting someone on the Spectrum to pick up on things neurotypical people intuit. It's an unrealistic expectation.

"Chill here" means completely different things to introverts and extroverts.  Extroverts chill with people.  Introverts chill away from people.  Instead of saying, "I want to chill" say, "I want alone time right now. We can hang out together (state some time after you anticipate feeling recharged)." That's clear.  It's neutral, so there's no reason to accuse someone of being rude saying so explicitly with a neutral tone of voice. It also makes it clear that you're not categorically rejecting being around the person, it's just a timing issue and you're planning to reconnect later.

[Scarlett]

28 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

You're not being direct enough. Your choice of words left things too open to interpretation.  Not to be mean, but let's be realistic, many extroverts are absolutely clueless about picking up subtle signals like the ones you gave. Would most introverts read it loud and clear?  Yes.  Many extroverts just don't have it in them to read it, so you have to be explicit with them.  If you aren't explicit with many of them, it's the equivalent of expecting someone on the Spectrum to pick up on things neurotypical people intuit. It's an unrealistic expectation.

"Chill here" means completely different things to introverts and extroverts.  Extroverts chill with people.  Introverts chill away from people.  Instead of saying, "I want to chill" say, "I want alone time right now. We can hang out together (state some time after you anticipate feeling recharged)." That's clear.  It's neutral, so there's no reason to accuse someone of being rude saying so explicitly with a neutral tone of voice. It also makes it clear that you're not categorically rejecting being around the person, it's just a timing issue and you're planning to reconnect later.

I agree.Sometimes I have to tell dh, 'I am feeling really cranky.  It is nothing anyone has done, I just need a bit of alone time.'  

[Scarlett]

But Quill you might ask for something to ease the anxiety/irritability.  It was the worst for me going through peri and I am sure it is what you are enduring. I took super low dose hormone but I know you can't do that....but the can give you something.  Adivan maybe.  Not long term.  

[HS Mom in NC]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I agree.Sometimes I have to tell dh, 'I am feeling really cranky.  It is nothing anyone has done, I just need a bit of alone time.'  

Yeah, my husband sometimes just says out loud, " I'm in a foul mood right now and I'm not fit for company, so I'm going to be alone for a while."  Everyone appreciates the heads up and the fact that he's bring proactive about.  But then I live in a household that has mostly introverts of varying degrees who aren't going to be bothered by such statements.  The extrovert  at my house is used to being around introverts, so she doesn't take offense or personalize it and hangs out with the introverts who are up for some interaction, her friends in the neighborhood, or friends online.

[prairiewindmomma]

My BFF who was on tamoxifen had similar issues. She went onto an antidepressant for a bit and it really helped....it’s apparently a really common issue with perimenopause + tamoxifen.

I am very open—“I am all noised out right now. I am taking a break to emotionally reset. I will catch up with you in an hour or two.”

The fan is going out on my refrigerator right now and it is SO loud. The repair person can’t be here until Friday. I may be out in the backyard until then.

 

[fairfarmhand]

19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I agree.Sometimes I have to tell dh, 'I am feeling really cranky.  It is nothing anyone has done, I just need a bit of alone time.'  

That's actually a very nice way of putting it. I'll use that myself sometime.

 

I'm also experiencing extreme noise sensitivity. I chalked it up to being at home with a 12 year old boy who never stops talking, but maybe it's related to peri. It's not things like a fan rattling or anything like that. But my dh eating...the television...my word the television. I'm wondering if my dh is losing his hearing at the same time that I'm becoming overly sensitive to sounds. That sounds like something that would happen to me

Edited September 1, 2020 by fairfarmhand

[kbutton]

It sounds to me like this feeling creeps up on you sometimes. I would make a blanket statement several times in between activities and before/during "high likelihood of overwhelm" events that you might need to excuse yourself fairly unexpectedly. State that when it happens, you want to be really alone, not just quiet with another person. We're a house full of introverts, but some of us often like silent companionship while reading or whatever, so I would need to be specific. Maybe prep the room ahead of time if you need a certain environment (candles, music, silence, plants, etc.)

For prevention, I would get a good pair of Earasers brand earplugs for musicians. They lower the intensity of the sound while keeping all the pitches relative to each other the way they naturally are. It's literally like turning down the volume. They are an excellent brand but not crazy $$$.

I suggest you also treat yourself like you need scaffolding--building up to events, take some time for yourself, do easier things or do them ahead, etc. If this were a kid with sensory issues or overstimulation from ADHD overwhelm, what would you do for that kid? Think through that and then do it for yourself to give your brain a little bit of a rest.

While it might be hormonal, it might not be helped by hormones. I reluctantly tried a yam-based progesterone cream (with professional direction and support), and every dose was too much until I was on a fraction of a dose. It shot my blood sugar up like a rocket, though the symptoms were not obvious at first. Actually, if you don't have your blood sugar checked regularly, you might even see if yours is off. I suspect mine was affecting my hormones. 

[Guest]

35 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

That's actually a very nice way of putting it. I'll use that myself sometime.

 

I'm also experiencing extreme noise sensitivity. I chalked it up to being at home with a 12 year old boy who never stops talking, but maybe it's related to peri. It's not things like a fan rattling or anything like that. But my dh eating...the television...my word the television. I'm wondering if my dh is losing his hearing at the same time that I'm becoming overly sensitive to sounds. That sounds like something that would happen to me

Yes, this exactly. The television, Jeopardy! Which I generally like to participate in, but just cannot stand to hear it otherwise. Dh playing guitar and, more particularly, tapping his foot in time with his playing. (He plays well; it’s just incessant noise.) People on the news yuckin’ it up with their “clever banter”. Just shut up, stupid TV! 

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

Yes, this exactly. The television, Jeopardy! Which I generally like to participate in, but just cannot stand to hear it otherwise. Dh playing guitar and, more particularly, tapping his foot in time with his playing. (He plays well; it’s just incessant noise.) People on the news yuckin’ it up with their “clever banter”. Just shut up, stupid TV! 

So one thing that helps me, if i can get the remote from my dh is muting the commercials. Just that 3-4 minute break every 10 minutes makes it bearable. Just a nice little block of quiet and peace. My dh channel surfs and I have to leave the room. Constant sound for hours makes me so irritable.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

You're not being direct enough. Your choice of words left things too open to interpretation.  Not to be mean, but let's be realistic, many extroverts are absolutely clueless about picking up subtle signals like the ones you gave. Would most introverts read it loud and clear?  Yes.  Many extroverts just don't have it in them to read it, so you have to be explicit with them.  If you aren't explicit with many of them, it's the equivalent of expecting someone on the Spectrum to pick up on things neurotypical people intuit. It's an unrealistic expectation.

"Chill here" means completely different things to introverts and extroverts.  Extroverts chill with people.  Introverts chill away from people.  Instead of saying, "I want to chill" say, "I want alone time right now. We can hang out together (state some time after you anticipate feeling recharged)." That's clear.  It's neutral, so there's no reason to accuse someone of being rude saying so explicitly with a neutral tone of voice. It also makes it clear that you're not categorically rejecting being around the person, it's just a timing issue and you're planning to reconnect later.

I am sure everything you said here is accurate, but my vignette isn’t an intro/extrovert clash. Dh is an introvert too; he just didn’t bust his ass making dinner and cake and bread all day and didn’t go to a baby shower in between rises. So, he wasn’t nearing Introvert Depletion Danger Zone; I was well in the red. 

Anyway, that’s just one example. I also spend a good portion of every single day feeling very annoyed by noise and issues that are very small in reality, or that I think people realistically should be allowed to do without nerving me out. Dh should be able to play his guitar without me slapping headphones on because it just irritates me so much. 

[Jaybee]

Irritability + anxiety were my two main symptoms. I never really had hot "flashes"--I just generally ran hotter. But those two symptoms made me an ornery beast. And yes, add being an introvert to it, and...not pleasant company.

Edited September 1, 2020 by Jaybee

[regentrude]

Irrational irritability was my first perimenopause symptom. Over the course of a few years it developed into depression. I have tried oodles of supplements without success. For me, the only remedy is several hours of strenuous physical activity in the sun daily, something I find impossible to maintain now that I am back to work.

If you're not opposed to pharmaceuticals, you may consider antidepressants. 

[regentrude]

Oh, and the yam based progesterone just aggravated my symptoms. It was scary.

[Andromeda]

I find it helpful to explain it to people like this.

Imagine you have a bucket with a little drain hole in the bottom. You keep pouring things into the bucket, sometimes little things, sometimes big things, sometimes medium. Sometimes it goes in slow and drains out without ever becoming full. But some days the bucket is so close to the top that even a tiny little thing will make it turn over and spill everything, making a huge mess.

I can take quite a bit of noise on a regular basis, but I need time to let my bucket drain out - time of utter quiet, peace, and without people in my peripheral vision moving around or talking to me. If I don't get that time, then watch out - even a small thing like playing a song on YouTube that I normally enjoy could send me into a crying fit. If my bucket is very close to being full, it doesn't matter how little or large the amount of sound or interaction is - it will overflow, giving me an overwhelming sensory overload with potential consequences for those in the earshot.

I've learned to tell people in my life very explicitly - I am very close to/at sensory overload. I need to have time without any people contact. This has worked quite well overall, but of course no system is perfect.

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, RosemaryAndThyme said:

I find it helpful to explain it to people like this.

Imagine you have a bucket with a little drain hole in the bottom. You keep pouring things into the bucket, sometimes little things, sometimes big things, sometimes medium. Sometimes it goes in slow and drains out without ever becoming full. But some days the bucket is so close to the top that even a tiny little thing will make it turn over and spill everything, making a huge mess.

I can take quite a bit of noise on a regular basis, but I need time to let my bucket drain out - time of utter quiet, peace, and without people in my peripheral vision moving around or talking to me. If I don't get that time, then watch out - even a small thing like playing a song on YouTube that I normally enjoy could send me into a crying fit. If my bucket is very close to being full, it doesn't matter how little or large the amount of sound or interaction is - it will overflow, giving me an overwhelming sensory overload with potential consequences for those in the earshot.

I've learned to tell people in my life very explicitly - I am very close to/at sensory overload. I need to have time without any people contact. This has worked quite well overall, but of course no system is perfect.

I love that. It’s perfect.

[Katy]

Irritation with noise is also a genuine symptom of an oncoming migraine.  With allergens and summer storms high at this time of year at least twice a week either DH or I has it.

If you don't want to explain crankiness or bucket capacity, just say you're getting a headache and every noise is getting on your nerves right now, "Please I need quiet. I can't listen to anything you have to say."

 

ETA:  Oh yeah, watch other symptoms too.  More than one friend with COVID has said it started with noise irritation, then bad allergy symptoms, then bone pain/flu symptoms and loss of smell.

Edited September 1, 2020 by Katy

[HS Mom in NC]

53 minutes ago, Quill said:

Anyway, that’s just one example. I also spend a good portion of every single day feeling very annoyed by noise and issues that are very small in reality, or that I think people realistically should be allowed to do without nerving me out. Dh should be able to play his guitar without me slapping headphones on because it just irritates me so much. 

OK, but in your actual reality is it does nerve you out whether or not it should.  I think the problem is you're in an idealist mindset (should) rather than switching to a pragmatist mindset (is.)  You can decide in your head that in some alternate reality those things shouldn't make you irritable when they happen,  but actual reality is completely unaffected by what people think it should be.   So try the headphones. Or tell them you're irritable and need to be alone in a quiet place at times. Or switch meds or add meds or a combination of some or all of the above.  The reality is you are irritable and spending time and energy on  what you think it should be won't solve the problem. Neither is sitting there gritting your teeth while it's happening.

We don't tell kids on the spectrum or with processing disorders that they should be able to handle noise, we just give them noise cancelling headphones and tell them to use them as needed.  We don't tell diabetics that their bodies should be able to produce insulin naturally, we just prescribe them injectable insulin. So we don't tell others or ourselves that we should be able to tolerate normal noises without any modification or adaptation or prescriptions or whatever interventions are available, we just suggest and try the interventions for everyone's sake in that situation.

[Forget-Me-Not]

No tamoxifen experience here, but I’m 43 and having the irritability like crazy. At first I blamed it on being cooped up, but I think it’s perimenopause-induced. I’ve taken to swinging between freezing and sweating at night, so that’s fun. I’ve lost 25 lbs in the last 3 months, and that has definitely messed with my cycle, so that doesn’t help (but I’m not taking those 25 lbs back, haha).
Some evenings, I just tell my family, “I am done with people today” and go hide out in my room. 

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, OKBud said:

I get the sense that you feel alarmed at how irritable you feel? 

So maybe it's a medical issue. But maybe you're allowed to change. 

And there's no inherent reason why his desire to play guitar out loud right now in this moment has more "shouldness" to it...should take precedence... than your desire not to be surrounded by noise right now in the moment.  

Yes, alarmed. I feel I have done actual damage with my youngest kid because he sees me, I think, as a nutty, irascible woman. 

The thing with the guitar is this: it always irritates me. (Except for the rare instance when he’s playing Unforgiven by Metalica, but he plays many other songs that are annoying to me 100% of the time.) So. I believe it is unfair at a basic level to say, “Hey, man. Your artistic expression is 100% annoying to me except if you play Unforgiven. So please never play guitar, or go out to your garage so I don’t ever have to hear it.” I mean, that’s just a shitty way to be with others. 

When I consider this from the other foot, if he said, “Quill, I cannot stand the amount of space and budget your books take up. So you either need to quit reading or only ever read digital books from free sources because it annoys me that we have forty hundred bookcases in our house and you literally just whim-bought two new books Sunday when you were supposedly going to Dicks to buy socks.” 

That’s the issue for me and that is the issue with “should”. I think it would be wrong to, for example, tell dh not to ever play guitar where I can hear it. Or that I should be some gate-keeper as to when I can bear the guitar and when he just better not. 

[katilac]

I don't explain, apologize, give analogies, or wonder whether I 'should' be bothered by something. 

I just put on the headphones or politely announce that I'm going to have some alone time. There's nothing wrong with that. What does it matter to your dh if you put on headphones while he plays the guitar? He can still play. This is actually a good example of why it's okay to not apologize or explain - did your dh ask if it was okay if he played guitar? I'm placing my bet on no, he didn't. If it's fine for someone to create noise without asking, it's fine for someone to block said noise without it being a big deal. 

Saying that you want to chill or relax or whatever does not get across the message that you want to be alone. So, if being alone is what you want, then that's what you you need to say. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, katilac said:

I don't explain, apologize, give analogies, or wonder whether I 'should' be bothered by something. 

I just put on the headphones or politely announce that I'm going to have some alone time. There's nothing wrong with that. What does it matter to your dh if you put on headphones while he plays the guitar? He can still play. This is actually a good example of why it's okay to not apologize or explain - did your dh ask if it was okay if he played guitar? I'm placing my bet on no, he didn't. If it's fine for someone to create noise without asking, it's fine for someone to block said noise without it being a big deal. 

Saying that you want to chill or relax or whatever does not get across the message that you want to be alone. So, if being alone is what you want, then that's what you you need to say. 

Well, I would prefer that it does not bother me than to always have to put on headphones. He doesn’t care if I put on headphones, but I do care, sometimes, that this is the only way I can remain civil. 

[katilac]

Just now, Quill said:

Well, I would prefer that it does not bother me than to always have to put on headphones. He doesn’t care if I put on headphones, but I do care, sometimes, that this is the only way I can remain civil. 

But that's creating a problem that doesn't really exist. The headphones keep you civil and he doesn't care if you wear them. Where's the problem? Not being bothered by things doesn't make you a better person than politely handling being bothered by things. 

[katilac]

14 minutes ago, Quill said:

Yes, alarmed. I feel I have done actual damage with my youngest kid because he sees me, I think, as a nutty, irascible woman. 

If you are truly being irrational and/or overly irritable with ds at times, I would do two things. 

One, I'd make sure to have a conversation with him about medication and menopause, lol. He is certainly old enough to understand on some level that medication can have side effects, and that mom is doing her best but might slip up more often than usual. If you've already had the conversation, have it again, and then probably again. And, while I don't apologize for wanting alone time and such, I do apologize for poor behavior. Frankly admitting that you were wrong and that you're sorry goes a long way. 

Two, I would ask the doctor about antidepressants to counteract the side effects of medicine, menopause, or both. Don't use all of your energy fighting irritability that probably has a chemical cause; fight fire with fire and use your energy to enjoy your life. 

[Pawz4me]

18 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well, I would prefer that it does not bother me than to always have to put on headphones. He doesn’t care if I put on headphones, but I do care, sometimes, that this is the only way I can remain civil. 

I think that's a bit of cognitive dissonance that only you're going to be able to resolve or make peace with. For me, sometimes just recognizing a dilemma as cognitive dissonance is helpful. Thus . . . this post. FWIW.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, OKBud said:

 

There's a garage he can play?...in addition to headphones! LOL Quill. That's not at all the same as someone telling you not to buy books. 

Tell me honestly (or don't!) ... do you really think nothing needs to be renegotiated, as it were and you're just broken?

Well...yeah, I do think I have an issue that is a problem. I can’t just tell him to go play guitar in the garage. He is in the house for such a small percentage of the day, but when he is, he’s either eating or he’s playing guitar and watching tv, usually simultaneously. I would basically be saying don’t come into the house except to eat and go to bed. 

There are two main times when he is playing guitar and/or watching annoying tv: in the morning before he goes to work, and after about 7:00/7:30 while I’m making dinner. He is almost always playing guitar at those times. After we eat dinner and clean up, he is usually watching tv and sometimes plays guitar more. 

Anyway - that’s probably excessive detail but I’m saying, IMO, asking him not to play guitar in the house or where I am is not a solution. It’s like saying I don’t want him around at all and would be happier if he just lived in the garage. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I have no advice but wanted to send you a virtual hug. There are times I feel the same exact way: things irritate me and I'm not certain why nor can I find a solution that suits all of my needs or my perceived needs of my loved ones. I have invested in a wonderful pair of headphones for those times when the auditory stimulation is overwhelming. I also take long walks.

My problem: being irritated by the way the narrator speaks in my current audiobook. I can't make her go away or I cannot finish the book. Small doses is what I'm doing at the moment but I am so very glad this woman is not a constant in my everyday life. I think we would come to blows. Or I would be continually drunk.

[fairfarmhand]

26 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well...yeah, I do think I have an issue that is a problem. I can’t just tell him to go play guitar in the garage. He is in the house for such a small percentage of the day, but when he is, he’s either eating or he’s playing guitar and watching tv, usually simultaneously. I would basically be saying don’t come into the house except to eat and go to bed. 

There are two main times when he is playing guitar and/or watching annoying tv: in the morning before he goes to work, and after about 7:00/7:30 while I’m making dinner. He is almost always playing guitar at those times. After we eat dinner and clean up, he is usually watching tv and sometimes plays guitar more. 

Anyway - that’s probably excessive detail but I’m saying, IMO, asking him not to play guitar in the house or where I am is not a solution. It’s like saying I don’t want him around at all and would be happier if he just lived in the garage. 

Okay, I would go out of my mind with music AND television together. My dh will play a game (with sounds on), have music playing, and have the television going at the same time and I. Just. CANNOT. I ask him to pick one thing to have sound with. 

[fairfarmhand]

4 minutes ago, The Accidental Coach said:

I have no advice but wanted to send you a virtual hug. There are times I feel the same exact way: things irritate me and I'm not certain why nor can I find a solution that suits all of my needs or my perceived needs of my loved ones. I have invested in a wonderful pair of headphones for those times when the auditory stimulation is overwhelming. I also take long walks.

My problem: being irritated by the way the narrator speaks in my current audiobook. I can't make her go away or I cannot finish the book. Small doses is what I'm doing at the moment but I am so very glad this woman is not a constant in my everyday life. I think we would come to blows. Or I would be continually drunk.

I can't do audio books with lots of smacking sounds. I would rather not finish the book. My kids and I call these narrators "moist narrators."

[HS Mom in NC]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

 I believe it is unfair at a basic level to say, “Hey, man. Your artistic expression is 100% annoying to me except if you play Unforgiven. So please never play guitar, or go out to your garage so I don’t ever have to hear it.” I mean, that’s just a shitty way to be with others. 

Who suggested that option to you?  We were suggested noise cancelling headphones for you to wear when someone else is doing something noisy that irritates you; we didn't say forbid others from doing noisy things things that irritate you. It's not all or nothing. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I’d say, “I need to be alone for a bit.” And leave.

And if I was followed, I’d say, “I need to go lie down for a bit” and go into the bedroom, and close the door.  There are always books to read in there but folks would assume I was trying to sleep and that would buy me half an hour.

Also, have you tried boa rage oil?  Ha ha funny autocorrect, but it’s borage oil.  That took care of the peri irritation completely for me.  It’s the only thing that touched it that I tried, and I liked that it was a nutrient instead of a drug.  I took big capsules, two in the morning and two at night, as needed.  Brilliant stuff for me.  I was at the point where on the days before my period I could not fully control my reactions even if I knew they were unreasonable, so I felt that I had to do something.

ETA:  BTW, the next thing would have been antidepressants, although I was not depressed, because my ob said that they sometimes help but no one knows why.  I REALLY did not want to go there, so I was very glad that the borage oil did the Job.

Edited September 1, 2020 by Carol in Cal.

[katilac]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

 Anyway - that’s probably excessive detail but I’m saying, IMO, asking him not to play guitar in the house or where I am is not a solution. 

Sure, but then why wouldn't the headphones be a solution? 

32 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

  "moist narrators."

eww! 

 

[fairfarmhand]

7 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

This. I was literally going to post this. Would it help to have a talk with him about what you are going through and ask him to pick ONE sound at a time to see if it makes a difference for you? Maybe you could ask if he could be a little more selective about TV program choices and more mindful of volume?

It really fries my nerves to hear someone screaming, giving birth, being drowned, etc. If he decides to simultaneously watch a video on his phone, I will have then reached critical mass. Just no. 
 

If trying this helps, or not, maybe it will give valuable feedback about what is and what is not happening or going on....with you, I mean.

 

 

And I don't think it's unreasonable to say that. My dh has a thing about high pitched screaming kids, so we worked very hard when our kids were little to nip that behavior in the bud. Not scared, or hurt screaming, but the kind of screaming that toddlers think is FUN, just to be loud and annoying. My kids are fine from having that impulse curbed.

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Just one more thing to throw out there: What about CBD oil? Have you ever tried it? It’s important to pick high quality. They are not all equal. 

Yeah, I think it’s a lie. I did try it and it made no difference whatsoever. 

[Shoeless]

The biggest thing that has helped the irritability and anxiety caused by peri has been asking myself "Am I really angry about something, or is there any chance this is hormone-driven and maybe I'm over-reacting?".  For a while, it felt like I was either yelling at someone or crying because I yelled at someone, and generally feeling like a mean jerk.  Like, I get it, truly.  DH sometimes picks the worst times to want to chit chat about the weather or some random meme he saw on facebook, and I want to scream and I think really snotty thoughts. Or he'll ask "What are you doing?" when I am obviously doing laundry, and my urge is to snap something sarcastic or snotty at him, like "wtf do you think I am doing?!".  And then I take a breath and remember a) DH isn't a terrible guy b) I'm the only other adult he is going to talk to today and c) he knows what I am doing; this is a quirk of how he starts a conversation. It's the equivalent of saying "Hey, what's up?" 

When I really feel like I need to be away from people, I take a shower, I shut myself in the bathroom for awhile, or I find a nonsense errand to run.  Like, "Oh, the car is low on gas and it's supposed to rain all weekend, so I'm just going to step out for a few...".  Then I sit in the car and read on my phone at the gas station for awhile.  I know you are trying to minimize trips out, so maybe you can just go for a drive and park the car somewhere. 

This hasn't cured the irritability, but it has decreased the intensity of it and my likelihood of taking someone's head off. 

My husband is also a guitar player, and he has it setup so that he plays through headphones. I don't know enough about all the parts to fully explain it, but the electric guitar gets plugged into some sort of processor that has an earphones port.  He wears the earphones so he can hear himself play.  I just hear the plinky-plinky of him picking the guitar strings.  My husband is a metal guitar player and while I don't mind hearing him play sometimes (I like listening, actually!), he knows that some times it's just a bit much for everyone else to hear. 

  

[Noreen Claire]

7 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I'm wondering if my dh is losing his hearing at the same time that I'm becoming overly sensitive to sounds. That sounds like something that would happen to me

This is my life. Plus, four extremely LOUD sons under 12 underfoot. So. Much. Noise.

I have taken to telling my children that "my ears are tired". They know that means to leave me alone.

[katilac]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

Yeah, I think it’s a lie. I did try it and it made no difference whatsoever. 

Oh, it definitely makes a difference for some people. Like for me, it kept me up all night, so it did indeed make a difference 🤨

[kbutton]

3 hours ago, MissLemon said:

My husband is also a guitar player, and he has it setup so that he plays through headphones. I don't know enough about all the parts to fully explain it, but the electric guitar gets plugged into some sort of processor that has an earphones port.  He wears the earphones so he can hear himself play.  I just hear the plinky-plinky of him picking the guitar strings.  My husband is a metal guitar player and while I don't mind hearing him play sometimes (I like listening, actually!), he knows that some times it's just a bit much for everyone else to hear. 

Excellent option!!! My parents have an electronic piano, and one of my relatives tends to "stim" by playing on it constantly--playing songs in a mindless sort of "this feels good to my brain way. Headphones help so much when there is a group of us together!

My DH plays accordion to wind down, and it's not a quiet instrument. He has what is essentially the grand piano of accordions, and it's recently had a detailing that makes it crystal clear and loud. The more he winds down, the louder he gets, and he doesn't even realize it. We have hard surface flooring throughout the entire house. If he played while watching TV, I'd be in jail, and you know where that means he'd be... Anyway, we figured out that in our house, sound goes up easier than it comes down, so he goes upstairs to play. It's shockingly quieter, and the bedroom is a pleasant place to play. 

[katilac]

11 minutes ago, kbutton said:

My DH plays accordion to wind down 

That's the best sentence I've read all day. 

 

[kbutton]

14 minutes ago, katilac said:

That's the best sentence I've read all day. 

I didn't really think about the bellows before choosing that word, lol! I'm glad it was appreciated.

[MercyA]

The SSRI / anti-depressant I take for OCD makes me so much more chill in general. Please don't be afraid to try meds if you need them. They can help tremendously.

I'm with you on the CBD oil. 😉 

[KungFuPanda]

I get that we’re experiencing hormonal changes and all, but what IS it about women in general that we’d rather take drugs than ask someone to leave us alone? Husbands have no trouble carving out quiet time. Teenagers routinely retreat to their rooms. But Mom? She should WANT someone in her face all the time and if she doesn’t she clearly needs to be medicated. 
 

I may be running out of those hormones that compel you to be sweet all the time. 😒    
 

ETA: I think the Introvert/Extrovert labeling thing has spun a bit out of control. I’m definitely an extrovert, but I get tired too, AND I enjoy my own company, AND I also read books and need to be left alone to do that. I’ve also done the bland smile/barely patient half listening thing when DH interrupts my book to tell me the exact route he took on his walk. Fascinating. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by KungFuPanda

[Guest]

6 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I get that we’re experiencing hormonal changes and all, but what IS it about women in general that we’d rather take drugs than ask someone to leave us alone? Husbands have no trouble carving out quiet time. Teenagers routinely retreat to their rooms. But Mom? She should WANT someone in her face all the time and if she doesn’t she clearly needs to be medicated. 
 

I may be running out of those hormones that compel you to be sweet all the time. 😒    
 

ETA: I think the Introvert/Extrovert labeling thing has spun a bit out of control. I’m definitely an extrovert, but I get tired too, AND I enjoy my own company, AND I also read books and need to be left alone to do that. I’ve also done the bland smile/barely patient half listening thing when DH interrupts my book to tell me the exact route he took on his walk. Fascinating. 

Re: your first sentence: you said “in general,” so maybe you aren’t specifically speaking to my issues, but for clarity, in my case it is just not that simple. If the only issue I had was annoyance with twenty minutes or so of guitar playing, then yeah, I would agree; I’ll just do headphones or he could play in his garage. But this post is about intense irritability for a reason. A few other posters have nailed it. I could bite someone’s head off for asking, “what are you doing” when I am most obviously sorting laundry. It’s swearing at the printer because it ran out of ink while I was printing a lease. It’s being mad that it’s raining. It’s being mad at the Home Depot guy because he said my paint would be ready in five minutes, but it’s been 12. 

I do agree with the sentiment that losing estrogen impacts the “nurture and please everyone” aspect. Michelle Duggar has left the building. 

 

[Guest]

Also, this is to the thread in general. Some of this is influenced by my memory of my parents when I was a teen. Temperamentally, I am very similar to my dad. Like most dads, he worked all day and got home at 7-7:30. But then he was in “retreat” mode. No doubt, his batteries were in the red and he didn’t have the mental bandwidth for us kids. But the effect this had was that he was checked out for the greater portion of those years. It’s like that Reba McIntire song:

”The greatest man I never knew

lived right down the hall

And every day we said hello

but never touched at all...” 

I don’t want this to be what my kids or husband would say about me. So yes, if there is a medication I can take that will keep me from just being the nice roommate who makes dinner but otherwise holes up in her room because everyone is just so darned annoying to hear, I’m game. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by Quill
Fix lyrics

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Also, this is to the thread in general. Some of this is influenced by my memory of my parents when I was a teen. Temperamentally, I am very similar to my dad. Like most dads, he worked all day and got home at 7-7:30. But then he was in “retreat” mode. No doubt, his batteries were in the red and he didn’t have the mental bandwidth for us kids. But the effect this had was that he was checked out for the greater portion of those years. It’s like that Reba McIntire song:

”The greatest man I never knew

lived right down the hall

And every day we said hello

but never touched at all...” 

I don’t want this to be what my kids or husband would say about me. So yes, if there is a medication I can take that will keep me from just being the nice roommate who makes dinner but otherwise holes up in her room because everyone is just so darned annoying to hear, I’m game. 

I avoid meds if I can.  But since I have lived through that intense irritability you are describing, I understand it is extreme.  My son was little when I had the worst.  I just needed something to soothe my nerves sometimes.  I know SSRIs are very popular but I am not a fan. I hate the way they make me feel and I don’t like long term effects like weight gain and loss of sex drive.  
 

So I am not sure what I would do if I had to do it over again.  Adavan helped me sleep for several years......but docs can barely give things like that out now days,,,,,although since you are a cancer survivor you might be better able to get it.  

[marbel]

i would definitely bring this up to the doctor as it could be your meds and maybe there is a medical solution.

It could also be that your introvert tendencies have gotten more intense as you've aged. I know mine have. I went through menopause 20 years ago, without many of the typical symptoms. Based on the timing, I believe I was pregnant and then nursing during much of the perimenopause stage, lol. But I find more and more I fantasize about living alone in a quiet place without all these people (whom I love dearly!) around me making noise and clamoring for my attention. 

And, sounds. If my husband and I are at the kitchen table and he is eating but I am not, I can become seriously enraged by his noises - and he is not a noisy eater; it's me, not him. If he turns on music, most of it annoys me, even stuff we both used to like. (We have a tacit agreement that we don't play stuff we know the other hates; he uses headphones to listen to Kate Bush, and I do the same when I want to hear Joni Mitchell.) But we both used to love certain people/bands, and some just enrage me when I hear them now. 

And covid has not helped, with people home more. 

There just could be a lot going on in your world that is contributing to this. 

Hugs to you. I hope you get some relief. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by marbel

[Doodlebug]

As someone who has already navigated meno (early), I just wanted to say that yes... that inner irrational rage is incredibly familiar.

However, as I read your post I recognized a lot of my own feelings (introvert) which are stemming mostly from the changes in our home since covid.  DH now works from home.  DS is at home without social activities.  That means a steady dose of "Mom/ Hon, where do we keep the _____? " Love them, and... 👿  And then, there are my friends who are all at differing levels of political and masking reasonableness -- they aren't a harbor of comfort for me right now.  

Just last night, I found myself super irritable with the tech that came out to fix our wifi issues... She was an over-the-top personality all up in my personal home space during my wind - down time (three hours later than scheduled), telling me BS.  Normally, it wouldn't have bothered me... but there is no "absence" right now in our home, and it makes those moments where I can retreat super rare and essential to my mental health.  

All that to say, it could be peri, the medication, AND a lot of other things all piling up on you.  Since covid, I lose it with my DH once every 5 weeks, or so, but I've gotten a lot better about blurting out, "I'm irritable.  I'm irrational.  I'm overwhelmed and I don't know how to say what's bothering me!  I'm sorry!"  He hugs me, which just undoes me... because he knows my rhythm and for some reason, it does.not.phase him.  Crazy!

[MercyA]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I know SSRIs are very popular but I am not a fan. I hate the way they make me feel and I don’t like long term effects like weight gain and loss of sex drive.  

I take them and I'm honestly often frustrated with the side effects. But in my case they have changed my life and my family's life in a very positive way. With meds it seems there is almost always a trade-off. 

I wish there were more alternatives. Quill, is marijuana legal in your state? Serious question.

Edited September 2, 2020 by MercyA

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, MercyA said:

I take them and I'm honestly often frustrated with the side effects. But in my case they have changed my life and my family's life in a very positive way. With meds it seems there is almost always a trade-off. 

I wish there were more alternatives. Quill, is marijuana legal in your state? Serious question.

You can get it prescribed here. I don’t know how difficult or easy it is to do so. 

I do know a friend who has an Rx for the e-cig version, due to RA. She is very positive about it, so I could probably ask her.