I’m having a very selfish moment.

[Carrie12345]

This is definitely coming from a spoiled, privileged angle, and I’m a little bit ashamed, but sheesh.

I’ve complained many times about my house. We’ve lived in our “starter home” for fifteen years, mostly due to how our area didn’t really recover from the 2008 pop until, well, pretty much now.  There’ve been other, lesser financial issues that have contributed, but the main one is that foreclosures had tanked our home value like nothing that we ever could have imagined. Even today, with our area booming, it’s barely worth more than our purchase price with the upgrades we’ve done, but that was enough for us and we actively began to prepare to list.

And then the majority owner of dh’s company proposed a reasonable arrangement for dh, who manages the company, and another employee, who has managed other companies, to buy him out.  Assuming the details can be hammered out, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime. Except it means our money can’t go to a new house anytime soon, and I’m back to complaining about my house.

Dh and I had a good chat about how, even though I acknowledge that it’s ridiculous, I’m feeling frustrated and disappointed.  Once the details are hammered out better, and assuming we accept them, we’ll have a better idea of whether this will delay our plans a year or multiple years, and I’m already coming up with my lists of things I “demand” to make the most of this stupid house while we wait, based on how long that wait is.  For example, if it’s going to be a year, I’m taking my fantasy Container Store shopping spree.  If it’s going to be 5 years, I’m having my dream garage built!

There’s always been *something* going on to keep our lives insane through 20 years of marriage, and I’m usually the one trying to remind dh that life is just a series of insane circumstances; we can’t sit around looking for things to be calm. And now, here I am, resentful of one of the greatest opportunities we’ve ever had because I was of the mindset that things were calming down.

For the record, I’ve made it clear that I do fully support this. I just need time to get my temper tantrum out of my system and adapt.

[medawyn]

Oh, I get it.  2020 was going to be the first year we had no major life disrupting events, and gee...

To be fair, some of those were *good* events, but it feels like we’ve just been steamrolling ahead without a chance to breathe, and we were looking forward to the calm.

It’s totally okay to appreciate and even support your husband’s career opportunities while acknowledging that you hate your “office” and have been looking forward to a change that’s being back burnered once again.  Vent away.

[Acorn]

I hear you. We were supposed to move this spring. We spent a month looking at houses before Covid. Now we have had some income decreases and house prices increased. I don’t know if we will be stuck with current place another year or 5.

[ScoutTN]

We are 15 years in our "starter" house, with zero possibility of ever moving up in house. 

[Pam in CT]

Vent away.

So many lives are "on hold" these days. At least you have lots of psychic company.

We once planned a move, we spent all this time and adrenaline and money fixing up all the cracked and needs-paint-touchup and slow-leaking things; then we didn't move. And every time I looked at that finally-tiled backsplash I thought, my God why on earth did we not-do that project five years ago?  It looks SOOOOO much better!  Every time I looked up from the stove I had a little surge of gratitude that we almost-moved.  Maybe that will happen with you?

[Acorn]

Can I whine further? If we thought we didn’t have enough space before, 3-4 people suddenly working/schooling at home really feels impossible. I’m also trying to keep a larger pantry than ever before put there is no good place to store food. 
There were two houses that dh wanted to buy in Feb that I rejected mostly because we hadn’t seen many others and I didn’t like the yards/proximity to busy roads. I since have had dreams about the closets in one of them.

[PrincessMommy]

Vent away... I totally get it.  I'm having the same selfish moments this year on different subjects.  

 

[Carrie12345]

3 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

Vent away.

So many lives are "on hold" these days. At least you have lots of psychic company.

We once planned a move, we spent all this time and adrenaline and money fixing up all the cracked and needs-paint-touchup and slow-leaking things; then we didn't move. And every time I looked at that finally-tiled backsplash I thought, my God why on earth did we not-do that project five years ago?  It looks SOOOOO much better!  Every time I looked up from the stove I had a little surge of gratitude that we almost-moved.  Maybe that will happen with you?

There is definitely an element of that at play, thank goodness! I love my new floors. I love my new paint.
I’m trying to look forward to loving my new closet organizers, pantry organizers, shed organizers, etc., lol.
I can’t pretend all that will outweigh all of the unchangeable aspects of our house (no attic, no basement, no garage, no laundry or mud room, tiny bedrooms that kids share, tiny kitchen, and I could go on) but at least there are some things that are now much better than they were.

[Hannah]

You're having a healthy response to disappointment.  It's completely OK to feel that and good that you can name and acknowledge it.

 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Carrie12345 said:

 

For the record, I’ve made it clear that I do fully support this. I just need time to get my temper tantrum out of my system and adapt.

That is perfectly reasonable. Sometimes we just need a bit of time to process our feelings before mustering up the gumption to be good soldiers again. 

And really, having goals change like that is hard. 

[math teacher]

2 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

This is definitely coming from a spoiled, privileged angle, and I’m a little bit ashamed, but sheesh.

I’ve complained many times about my house. We’ve lived in our “starter home” for fifteen years, mostly due to how our area didn’t really recover from the 2008 pop until, well, pretty much now.  There’ve been other, lesser financial issues that have contributed, but the main one is that foreclosures had tanked our home value like nothing that we ever could have imagined. Even today, with our area booming, it’s barely worth more than our purchase price with the upgrades we’ve done, but that was enough for us and we actively began to prepare to list.

And then the majority owner of dh’s company proposed a reasonable arrangement for dh, who manages the company, and another employee, who has managed other companies, to buy him out.  Assuming the details can be hammered out, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime. Except it means our money can’t go to a new house anytime soon, and I’m back to complaining about my house.

Dh and I had a good chat about how, even though I acknowledge that it’s ridiculous, I’m feeling frustrated and disappointed.  Once the details are hammered out better, and assuming we accept them, we’ll have a better idea of whether this will delay our plans a year or multiple years, and I’m already coming up with my lists of things I “demand” to make the most of this stupid house while we wait, based on how long that wait is.  For example, if it’s going to be a year, I’m taking my fantasy Container Store shopping spree.  If it’s going to be 5 years, I’m having my dream garage built!

There’s always been *something* going on to keep our lives insane through 20 years of marriage, and I’m usually the one trying to remind dh that life is just a series of insane circumstances; we can’t sit around looking for things to be calm. And now, here I am, resentful of one of the greatest opportunities we’ve ever had because I was of the mindset that things were calming down.

For the record, I’ve made it clear that I do fully support this. I just need time to get my temper tantrum out of my system and adapt.

I am right there with you. We've been married 32 years, and I'm in a double wide. It was quite a few years old when we moved here. I have never had a "nice" house. 

[JustEm]

I know exactly how you feel except the major thing that delayed our getting our of the house that we bought right before the crash was not a positive thing.  Thankfully, we only had to wait a year to finally get out of our awful house. You'll get out of your house too eventually but for now being disappointed is a completely normal reaction.

[Wheres Toto]

I totally get it.  We live in a 750 square foot bungalow that is basically held together with duct tape.    We were going to tear it down and rebuild back in 2009 or so.  We had taken down trees, gotten DEA permits (we're on a river with a wetlands), and had bulldozers scheduled to come tear down the house in two weeks.   And dh got laid off from his job.  A job he had 4 years left on a 5 year contract.  Then he started his own company since it was a perfect set-up and it was probably his last chance to do something that had been a long-time dream.  But then his old company violated a contract and didn't do what they were supposed to do, I went back to work for medical insurance, markets crashed all over and housing prices took a dive and......here we are still in our bungalow.    Up until last year dh was still saying he wanted to work toward the tear-down plan.  He's 64 years old, I have been telling him for years that we should just do improvements to the house to make it more livable and give up on the big additions and rebuilds, which will triple or quadruple our mortgage (and I'm in a very HCOL area).  I finally have him convinced so we are doing stuff like new floors (done), new siding (on the plan very soon), small 3-season room addition (planned), etc.  

There are times I HATE my house.  Absolutely hate it.  There's not enough storage, no closets, our garage is disconnected and not water/bug/rodent tight.  ONLY thing good is that we have a lot of land on a river in a very quiet neighborhood, extremely close to dh's work, an area where I could get a job easy if needed.   NOT doing the big $$ rebuild allows us a lot more options like me starting my own business, vacations (when it's not corona-time), and just having less stress in general.  

So I try to remind myself that we are actually very lucky.  We know many people who lost their homes in the past 10 years or so.  We can easily afford our mortgage even if he retires, we have "enough" space, my kids are actually very happy here and have their own spaces, they are already teenagers so we only have a few years before they are probably moving out on their own.  

But sometimes it's very hard to remember that. 

[ktgrok]

Also, as Daniel Tiger says in one episode, "Sometimes you feel two feelings at the same time, and that's okay."

You can be happy for your husband AND sad about the house situation. 

[BlsdMama]

6 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

This is definitely coming from a spoiled, privileged angle, and I’m a little bit ashamed, but sheesh.

I’ve complained many times about my house. We’ve lived in our “starter home” for fifteen years, mostly due to how our area didn’t really recover from the 2008 pop until, well, pretty much now.  There’ve been other, lesser financial issues that have contributed, but the main one is that foreclosures had tanked our home value like nothing that we ever could have imagined. Even today, with our area booming, it’s barely worth more than our purchase price with the upgrades we’ve done, but that was enough for us and we actively began to prepare to list.

And then the majority owner of dh’s company proposed a reasonable arrangement for dh, who manages the company, and another employee, who has managed other companies, to buy him out.  Assuming the details can be hammered out, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime. Except it means our money can’t go to a new house anytime soon, and I’m back to complaining about my house.

Dh and I had a good chat about how, even though I acknowledge that it’s ridiculous, I’m feeling frustrated and disappointed.  Once the details are hammered out better, and assuming we accept them, we’ll have a better idea of whether this will delay our plans a year or multiple years, and I’m already coming up with my lists of things I “demand” to make the most of this stupid house while we wait, based on how long that wait is.  For example, if it’s going to be a year, I’m taking my fantasy Container Store shopping spree.  If it’s going to be 5 years, I’m having my dream garage built!

There’s always been *something* going on to keep our lives insane through 20 years of marriage, and I’m usually the one trying to remind dh that life is just a series of insane circumstances; we can’t sit around looking for things to be calm. And now, here I am, resentful of one of the greatest opportunities we’ve ever had because I was of the mindset that things were calming down.

For the record, I’ve made it clear that I do fully support this. I just need time to get my temper tantrum out of my system and adapt.

Gosh - I think you have an ideal mindset.  You have separated your feelings from your choices, analyzed your feelings, assigned them a priority, and are putting them in the proper place.  Mama, it's okay to feel sad and frustrated that you can't do something you really want to do! Give it it's time and in a little while, you'll move on from a disappointment and then you're making a plan to move onto proactiveness.  I think this is very healthy!  

[kbutton]

I lost my post four times. That must be some kind of sign to shut up, lol! Just chiming in with support, camaraderie, and seconding BlsdMama's take that your dealing with this in a healthy way.

I hope you enjoy your trip to the container store and/or the dream garage!!! Best wishes on your DH's opportunity.

[mommyoffive]

Congratulations on your husband's opportunity. 

I feel you on the house issue. We are still in our first house,  almost 14 years. It was huge when we moved in with one kid.  But 5 kids and them growing it isn't working all that well. We didn't know we would all be schooling and worworking from home too.

We could finally move now.  We bought right before the crash and they have recovered the last few years.  Now booming. We just don't know where we want to move.  I think we would have to build again because houses are moving so fast.

[Liz CA]

Completely normal and even healthy. Of course, we feel a little whiplashed when the track in front of us changes. I think your approach is a very good one. You are accepting this wonderful opportunity and viewing the sale of this home and acquisition of a new home as a delay. Who knows - this may open doors to something you have never imagined. Maybe property values will rise in your area and by the time you sell you have a handy profit.

Hope you are enjoying your shopping spree at Container Store! Have some good chocolate as well. It makes a lot of things more acceptable IMHO. 

[katilac]

6 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

 my God why on earth did we not-do that project five years ago?   

This was us when we finally laid down additional cement and put a cover on our patio. Why didn't we do this years ago?? 

OP, start doing the stuff you want in order to enjoy your house. Even if you move quickly, containers are portable!

[Carrie12345]

You all have made me feel so much better about my reaction, lol. I’m not often accused of having healthy responses, so that was pretty big!

I did continue purging and decluttering today because I’ve already been on a roll and it always helps no matter the reason.

[Arctic Bunny]

DH and I were sitting on the deck not long ago, and he said something about when we grow old in this house. And I was flabbergasted. This is not where I am growing old. This was the house we bought because we had a day to choose and it was the only one that ticked boxes like “no cat pee” and “good schools”. So, now that we’re clear about THAT, lol...

[Sk8ermaiden]

My kitchen and living room where we spend 90% of our time are the size of postage stamps while my master bedroom that adjoins them is ridiculously huge. 

Sometimes I dream a tornado will destroy my house so I can rebuild it.