Jump to content

Menu

Bored and at a Loss


Jenny in Florida
 Share

Recommended Posts

Fair warning: Whining ahead.

It's been a year, y'all. And I don't mean "just" 2020; my personal year of hell, which has now stretched to 13 months+, began with the two back-to-back falls followed closely by the breast cancer diagnosis last summer. I came through the mastectomy okay, but then hit a wall emotionally and haven't really been myself since. For the last several months, I've been trying to dig my way out of a pretty solid depression, but every time I start to get my feet under me, something else knocks me down. The latest is that -- after all of the physical/medical issues I've developed over the last few years and then the pandemic shutting down almost everything I lean on for entertainment and self-care -- my one outlet for fun and goal-setting and feeling like I have any control over my life and my body has been walking various virtual 5Ks and similar challenges . . . and then I fell while out walking last weekend and fractured my right arm just below the shoulder. Given that I was already not as steady on my feet as a person might wish, having an arm in a sling that hurts every time it is jostled and makes it both more likely I will lose my balance and more difficult to catch myself if I do, walking anything more ambitious than slowly and carefully around the block is out of the question.

Because I have been enjoying exercise,  I recently reorganized my home office/craft room to create a space for that . . . which, for the time being, is of extremely limited use. I definitely won't be using the new mini-trampoline any time soon, for example.

My husband and I bought bicycles. His wasn't even out of the box and assembled before I fell.

I'm supposed to be studying for a certification exam coming up next month, but a broken right arm means my ability to take notes is pretty shot. and given that my job as an instructional designer already requires me to forge ahead writing and using the computer as best I can 40 hours a week, it doesn't really seem engaging or relaxing or enticing to figure out how to make my way through the all-digital study resources.

I could, in theory, read something for pleasure, but a) I can't stay physically comfortable in one place for very long; b) I'm sick of sitting down; and c) I don't have anything on hand that sounds appealing enough to overcome points a and b.

Yesterday, I did laundry, talked to my daughter on the phone for a couple of hours, watched way too much Say Yes to the Dress and Alias, fed myself, napped, did a few small random chores around the house and took a short walk. I ended up taking a pain pill and going to bed at 9:30pm.

Now, here I am 12 hours later and unable to think of a single way to pass this day that is more interesting or worthwhile than staring out the window at the bird feeders.

I realize solving my problem is too big an ask, and I will honestly tell you that lectures about how lucky I am compared to other people who have it worse just make want to scream and throw things (with my disabled right arm). So, I don't think anyone can offer any actual help, but I appreciate at least having the space to complain without burdening more poor husband with the any more than I already have.

Edited by Jenny in Florida
  • Sad 25
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow that is a lot, you have every reason to whine.

Would listening to audiobooks be any better than reading?

If you want to chat with a total stranger to pass the time send me a PM! I'm always up for talking on the phone, it makes the endless housekeeping responsibilities for a large family easier to face.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, maize said:

Wow that is a lot, you have every reason to whine.

Would listening to audiobooks be any better than reading?

If you want to chat with a total stranger to pass the time send me a PM! I'm always up for talking on the phone, it makes the endless housekeeping responsibilities for a large family easier to face.

 

Oh, I listen to a lot of audiobooks and podcasts, usually while I am walking. 

I appreciate the offer to chat, but I am actually pretty introverted and dislike phones. I was pretty exhausted after talking to my daughter yesterday.

Thanks for the kind words.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh wow, you have been through so much and then throwing the pandemic on top. 

I am glad you are venting here.  I leaned on Netflix and YouTube when I was really down with this pandemic.   Maybe not the most healthy to watch tons of shows, but it did help pass the time and get my mind of life.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

32 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

at least having the space to complain

Yes, complain away. It really sucks. My hand was down 5 weeks, not months, and that sucked. It seems to me it would be unhealthy if you DIDN'T complain, because you have to work through the grief process. 

Is a stationary recumbent bike an option for you? They have models with padded seats.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

36 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I was pretty exhausted

You can ask your doctor, but I think it's possible the fatigue is normal to the injury. I had this (unrealistic) expectation when I hurt my hand that I'd get the splint and just be good to go. Instead I found myself exhausted every day. I'm still, 5 weeks out from the injury, sleeping more and going to bed earlier. Like several hours earlier. 

I'm not sure if it's sort of not sleeping well due to subtle pain or if it's literally that the body is just in healing mode and exhausted. Either way, I think extend yourself a lot of grace and ride it out. Given how long this is going to go on, you may need some help with the house. Order food that can be warmed up, that kind of thing. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You definitely need exercise again.  I love my stationary recumbent bike.  I have no idea how hard they are to find these days, mine was a very fortuitous Goodwill find in December.

Try to be gentle with yourself.  Just watching the birds out the window might be the right thing for today.  I’ve had to lower my ambitions for my free time.  Before the pandemic I read novels in French.  Now I watch a lot of HGTV.  (Have you seen Good Bones?  A mom and daughter rehab derelict houses, and they are a hoot!)

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

50 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Given that I was already not as steady on my feet as a person might wish,

Did you have an explanation for this? Was it related to your chemo, etc.? Maybe when they do the PT for your arm they can throw this in too for bonus. I was kind of wobbly for years, like struggling to stand on one foot even to dress, and when we did the PT for my back I got more stable. 

I mean, on the plus side, sometimes things get SO BAD that you actually get connected with the resources that will help the other stuff that has been plaguing you. Like with my ds, his anxiety got SO BAD with covid that docs finally agreed to put him on meds. It sucks that it's that way, but it can be the bright side.

Honestly, with as bad as your list is, I would be seeing a counselor, someone to talk it through with. Like list everything out and just start dumping. Via tele. Or in person. I kinda like that I'm finally taking care of myself after so many years taking care of everyone else.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Because you are falling so much, I recommend going to physical therapy.  I am going because I keep falling down the stairs.  We work on strengthening my hips and balance and ankles and anything else that is making walking securely difficult.  (You might have to wait for the arm to heal first.  Or at a certain point you could also get PT for your arm as well.  I do both upper and lower body at my PT)

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Because you are falling so much, I recommend going to physical therapy.

I was surprised, when I went to the orthopedic, how much they asked about falling. They had posters on the wall about it to. Like @Jean in Newcastle is saying, apparently it is a big thing to them, the way to prevent people from ending up there again, sigh. 

PT was awesome when I got the right person. I had done PT locally that was lackluster, and my dh did PT locally (different office in our mediumish town) again adequate but not incredibly equipped. Went to the big city, and WOW. They have huge rooms, tons of equipment, SO many more options. MUCH different experience. 

Now, ironically, for my hand I'm doing OT, go figure. After years of OT for my ds for sensory, etc., here we are doing it for hands. And I don't quite understand why they separate them out like that. I mean, I do in theory, but still. So anyways, if they try to say OT not PT, maybe lobby for PT too. If you're falling, PT is probably where it's at. 

I don't know that you'll have the *energy* to do PT for the falling while you're healing your arm, but I think they *could* do the exercises, sure. Some involved holding weights, but there was other stuff they could do body weight or by laying you down and putting weights on you or by having you push or be on a machine horizontal. Some of it is them figuring out where the issue is and then just drip drip working on it.

Edited by PeterPan
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

Did you have an explanation for this? Was it related to your chemo, etc.? Maybe when they do the PT for your arm they can throw this in too for bonus. I was kind of wobbly for years, like struggling to stand on one foot even to dress, and when we did the PT for my back I got more stable. 

I mean, on the plus side, sometimes things get SO BAD that you actually get connected with the resources that will help the other stuff that has been plaguing you. Like with my ds, his anxiety got SO BAD with covid that docs finally agreed to put him on meds. It sucks that it's that way, but it can be the bright side.

Honestly, with as bad as your list is, I would be seeing a counselor, someone to talk it through with. Like list everything out and just start dumping. Via tele. Or in person. I kinda like that I'm finally taking care of myself after so many years taking care of everyone else.

 

I did not do chemo, just radiation. I do have peripheral neuropathy in my feet and lower legs (which pre-dates and is not related to the radiation). I see a neurologist and am on medication, but some of the problem with remaining upright may have to do with just not being able to properly feel my feet. I also have occasional dizziness/lightheadedness that may be related to either mild heart rhythm issues (although testing has no turned up an obvious connection) or low blood pressure (on the list of things to investigate when I get a chance).

I did see a counselor for a few months, but kind of dropped it when my last set of appointments finished and he didn't seem to know how to help. I am on medication for the depression, also.

I'm seeing the ortho tomorrow. I'm trying to remain hopeful that there will be some good news and/or at least a clearer idea of what to expect and how to plan my life for the next few weeks.

Edited by Jenny in Florida
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had a mastectomy years ago (no chemo and no radiation), and I remember that I was not back to normal energy wise for well over a year. I had to sleep in a recliner for 9ish months as well. So, part of this could be "normal" for post-mastectomy time. Add an arm in a sling to that and I would've been toast. I'm so sorry. Big hugs to you. 

  • Like 2
  • Sad 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m sorry you’ve had such a crappy time. And it is fine to exist in the space of “I’m having a crappy time, it’s hard I hate it and it sucks.” And “Yes, others have it worse.” Those are both true statements and you can totally be frustrated with your life without having to apologize for your frustrations. 
 

i hope things start looking up soon.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

I did not do chemo, just radiation. I do have peripheral neuropathy in my feet and lower legs (which pre-dates and is not related to the radiation). I see a neurologist and am on medication, but some of the problem with remaining upright may have to do with just not being able to properly feel my feet. I also have occasional dizziness/lightheadedness that may be related to either mild heart rhythm issues (although testing has no turned up an obvious connection) or low blood pressure (on the list of things to investigate when I get a chance).

I did see a counselor for a few months, but kind of dropped it when my last set of appointments finished and he didn't seem to know how to help. I am on medication for the depression, also.

I'm seeing the ortho tomorrow. I'm trying to remain hopeful that there will be some good news and/or at least a clearer idea of what to expect and how to plan my life for the next few weeks.

Do you know how your spine is doing? My mom had non-diabetic neuropathy (sp?) for years, and then later they found she had bulging/leaking discs. For her, it was too extreme and too late to treat by the time they found it, maybe 12 years after her first fall, but I sort of wonder what might have happened had they found the back problem before it became so extreme.

In her case, the spinal problem was an after-effect of polio. I remember the first time she fell; she was holding my then-6-month-old son while we were walking somewhere. He's now 15 1/2.

Emily

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, YaelAldrich said:

@Jean in Newcastle Can you please speak to this some more?  My mom is pre-diabetic and with her chemo has increasing neuropathy and it is affecting her desire to continue treatment.

I'm not quite sure what you know and don't know.  Basically I have managed to lower my bloodsugar levels through medication, diet and exercise.  I have to have A LOT less carbs than are recommended by the American Diabetic Association.  (I can't have more than 30 g. carbs per meal and really 20 g. per meal is more my goal.)  I am on Gabapentin for neuropathy but have been able to slowly decrease my goal with time.  I track my sugars with an app called MySugr (I am sure that there are others out there but this has worked well for me).  I don't know so much about other causes for neuropathy, though I have heard that poor circulation can also lead to neuropathy so I do try not to be so sedentary.  (My Fitbit helps with this.  Especially helpful is the cue to get at least 250 steps per hour just to stop long periods of sitting.) 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I'm not quite sure what you know and don't know.  Basically I have managed to lower my bloodsugar levels through medication, diet and exercise.  I have to have A LOT less carbs than are recommended by the American Diabetic Association.  (I can't have more than 30 g. carbs per meal and really 20 g. per meal is more my goal.)  I am on Gabapentin for neuropathy but have been able to slowly decrease my goal with time.  I track my sugars with an app called MySugr (I am sure that there are others out there but this has worked well for me).  I don't know so much about other causes for neuropathy, though I have heard that poor circulation can also lead to neuropathy so I do try not to be so sedentary.  (My Fitbit helps with this.  Especially helpful is the cue to get at least 250 steps per hour just to stop long periods of sitting.) 

I know about... not much!  😁 My mother's blood sugar is negatively affected by the chemo and she is getting neuropathy I assumed from the chemo as well (Gemcitabine and Cisplatin).  It's to the point that the doctor has decided to bring the amounts of chemo down.  She has modified her diet some, but I feel bad changing it even more (her cancer isn't going to go away although she's well past the doctor's expectations).  She exercises almost every day - walking for at least 30 minutes a day since the gym is closed. So please enlighten me!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, YaelAldrich said:

I know about... not much!  😁 My mother's blood sugar is negatively affected by the chemo and she is getting neuropathy I assumed from the chemo as well (Gemcitabine and Cisplatin).  It's to the point that the doctor has decided to bring the amounts of chemo down.  She has modified her diet some, but I feel bad changing it even more (her cancer isn't going to go away although she's well past the doctor's expectations).  She exercises almost every day - walking for at least 30 minutes a day since the gym is closed. So please enlighten me!

Re diet:  I don’t know her dietary norms. Re. Asian foods - I mostly stick to meat and veggies, avoiding sugary sauces. I can’t really tolerate any rice but some people can still have rice if they switch to brown rice and lower the amount to 1/2 cup. 
 

re, exercise. 30 minutes a day is great but so is getting up at regular intervals just to keep that blood moving. 
 

Neuropathy can lead to numbness but there can also be very painful zaps. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

Doesn't seem to be, no. We haven't figured out what is causing it, so no idea how to address it other than treating symptoms with increasing doses of medication.

That is actually part of neuropathy.  My neuropathy usually doesn\t hurt=-  but I fall a lot and that just started a few years ago when my neuropathy got worse.  I have neuropathy throughout which is because of my autoimmune diseases.  I just fell again a few minutes ago.  

Hugs to you.  Maybe listening to some kind of music would help?  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m so sorry!  That sounds incredibly frustrating.  This might be a crazy ridiculous idea so feel free to ignore but if you enjoy watching the wild birds would it be worth having a house bird?  A little budgie (parakeet) or something.  They seriously cheer me up when I’m down and are fairly low energy requirement.  
 

feel free to totally ignore that wild suggestion if you really are not a bird person or you don’t want something else to manage or you can’t have pets in an apartment or something . Just a thought.  What a ridiculously difficult year you’ve had.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry -- what a rough year!  I can certainly sympathize....  My dh has been on a bizarre path of totally unexpected and horrible health crises, one after another, these last 10 years.  When I bumped into an old neighbor the other night on a walk (we haven't seen each other for a long time due to Covid), and I told her about my dh's latest health disaster, all we could do was burst out laughing.  It's all so ridiculous and awful at the same time!  It felt really good to just laugh.  

Depression is sneaky...  It keeps you from doing the things that would otherwise help pull you out of the depression.  I'd try and pay attention to the little things that elevate your mood.  Then, even when you don't feel like doing it, do it anyway.  It might be getting together with a friend, listening to an inspirational speaker, continuing with my online book club, etc.    I do find that when I'm depressed, everything seems boring.  When I'm not depressed, even things that might seem boring to others DON'T feel boring to me. 

My dh and I have learned that focusing on others helps.  Focusing our attention on someone else who is also going through tough times -- by listening to them, having coffee with them, taking a walk with them, or just being present with them, is almost always mood-lifting.

Also, just a thought -- my father has neuropathy on the bottom of his feet.  He has found that wearing wide, sturdy shoes helps.  He also has a little electrical stimulation unit that he uses, and he believes it has helped as well.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...