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When you don't agree with spouse on precautions to take..


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I have been aware for quite some time that DH and I are not on the same page for what precautions should be taken during this pandemic.  Since everything has been cancelled and his work adjusted his schedule and implemented safety standards there it hasn't mattered much.  By mattered, I mean that we didn't have to argue about it.  He wasn't wearing a mask in public when it wasn't mandated, but now he is.  However, we just received an invitation to his cousins wedding for next month.  I think it's a ridiculous idea to gather with 250 people for hours and hours a few weeks after schools around here have started.  He's upset and hurt that I would think to miss his cousin's wedding over what he sees as an overreaction to a new strain of the cold virus.  Our RSVP is due within the week.  Is anyone else out there dealing with something like this?  There's a part of me that wants to shrug my shoulders and tell him to go by himself, but he wants all of us to go.  I keep explaining to him that I would prefer to play it safe until more is known and understood about this virus.  He thinks I'm overreacting because I have heard too many horror stories from my mom and sisters who are all nurses who have cared for Covid patients these last few months.

I really hope our Governor just shuts things like this down again.  We have a limit of 10 or 20 for mass gatherings but weddings are capped at 300.  How does that make sense?

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My dh and I had a disagreement over a graduation party for one of my nieces early in July.   He really wanted to go because this particular niece's father (my brother) died several years ago and my dh felt strongly that we should support her no matter what.  We compromised by just he and I going and we both promised we wouldn't stay long.  We ended up staying longer than either of us expected because we were in a space outdoors which we felt was fairly low risk.  If your husband won't compromise, I'm not sure what to tell you.  One thing I would remind him of is that it's not going to be a normal wedding (or it shouldn't be).  No hugging, masks on (assuming it is mandated in your state), social distancing, etc.  It's really awkward to be in a normally very social setting and not be able to socialize normally.  The grad party was no fun, it was an obligation,  and we were so busy being careful it was a huge stress.

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3 minutes ago, JanOH said:

My dh and I had a disagreement over a graduation party for one of my nieces early in July.   He really wanted to go because this particular niece's father (my brother) died several years ago and my dh felt strongly that we should support her no matter what.  We compromised by just he and I going and we both promised we wouldn't stay long.  We ended up staying longer than either of us expected because we were in a space outdoors which we felt was fairly low risk.  If your husband won't compromise, I'm not sure what to tell you.  One thing I would remind him of is that it's not going to be a normal wedding (or it shouldn't be).  No hugging, masks on (assuming it is mandated in your state), social distancing, etc.  It's really awkward to be in a normally very social setting and not be able to socialize normally.  The grad party was no fun, it was an obligation,  and we were so busy being careful it was a huge stress.

I wouldn't count on it not being a normal wedding.  Masks and social distancing varies widely, and many groups will do what they want because they know there's no teeth behind mandates in many places. 

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When you say he won't compromise, do you mean he'll make you go? And he'll make you let the kids go? For us, if dh really wanted to go, he'd go by himself AND test when he got home, quarantining until the results or 14 days were up, before living among us. A small wedding might be a different story. 

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Just now, Pippen said:

I wouldn't count on it not being a normal wedding.  Masks and social distancing varies widely, and many groups will do what they want because they know there's no teeth behind mandates in many places. 

You may be right.  I was just assuming that at least a portion of the attendees would be concerned about Covid.  I shouldn't make that assumption.  At the graduation party I did attend, the hostess was hugging everyone who came in the door (my eyes must of been shooting lasers because she didn't approach me).  

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We have been invited to attend a wedding in October. I sent our regrets. DH and I are on the same page, however, and he doesn’t want me or the kids going anywhere right now. In the OP’s shoes, I’d insist on DH going alone and masked.

Edited by Sneezyone
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We're debating a wedding invite right now, ourselves. Our invite excludes the kids (who are young adults/teens) already, so that part is easy. Our current probably compromise is that we'll go for the wedding only, not the reception. This way we are there, see the couple get married, can sit discreetly distanced, and then don't have to be in the mingling/mixing/eating/etc when masks are likely to be off. 

We may yet not do that, either; we'll see. The wedding is late September, and a month ago, our state was skyrocketing, but now our county/area is swiftly declining again, so maybe it will be okay.....? We're not sure. Our RSVP is due really soon, I think.

In general, we have always tended to defer to the person seeking to be more cautious; when our son had a headache & fever recently, even though it's something he gets from time to time, we deferred to my request to get him tested, just in case (it was negative) and to pretend it was positive until we knew.  But that's always been our MO - when the kids were babies, we deferred to DH's family culture of not taking them out for the first month, not leaving them with anyone but family, always use a blanket, etc. 

 

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4 hours ago, Pippen said:

I wouldn't count on it not being a normal wedding.  Masks and social distancing varies widely, and many groups will do what they want because they know there's no teeth behind mandates in many places. 

 

First, OP, I hear you. I am in a very similar situation with my dh.

There was a wedding a couple weeks ago that I was supposed to attend (with dh) and in the end, I decided not to go. I had already told the bride that we would not go to the reception, because that seemed way too risky. When I started really thinking about it--the size of the bridal party (16) plus the bride/groom/pastor and whoever else chose not to mask, in a little chapel, was too much for me. I started thinking about the possibility of the bridal party masking during the procession (unlikely), etc. and realized that even if every other person was masked, there would still be 20 or so that were not.  After seeing pictures post-wedding, I am grateful that we did not go.  Many people were not masked. There is a mask mandate here, but that does not mean it is enforced. At the reception (if pictures are any guide) there was very little, if any, masking.

That said, two friends had kids get married last weekend. I didn't attend, but FB observed the live feeds/posted videos.  Very different venues and masking from the videos/pictures.  One wedding, outside, 20 attendants (10 groomsmen, 10 bridesmaids), no masks, but outside, lots of people.  Indoor reception. No masks in the pictures I saw.  Second wedding, very small, inside, masking for everyone including pastor (not bride and groom), masks in all pictures for reception and rehearsal dinner.  Totally different experiences in the same weekend. 

ETA: My dh was angry about the wedding thing. Not really about not going, but how big a deal I made of it. He thinks I am being ridiculous about all of it (including not going to church).  It is very hard to be there, and I am sorry OP that you are dealing with that also.

Edited by cintinative
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The cognitive dissonance of him thinking you are overreacting because you are hearing horror stories straight from your family on the front lines, while also thinking that it's a variation of the common cold, is extraordinary. 

A wedding with 250 people would be a hard no from me. 

I've skipped things that are important to me and that I would normally 100% attend - a funeral, a family party, of course plenty of visits. It seems like it's been forever, but this is still a very new virus that we are learning about. 

1 hour ago, JanOH said:

One thing I would remind him of is that it's not going to be a normal wedding (or it shouldn't be).  No hugging, masks on (assuming it is mandated in your state), social distancing, etc.  It's really awkward to be in a normally very social setting and not be able to socialize normally.  The grad party was no fun, it was an obligation,  and we were so busy being careful it was a huge stress.

I would actually be more likely to go to an event if I thought this would be true, but I would not at all expect a wedding with 250 guests to have people wearing masks, not hugging, and social distancing. I mean, what venue would even make it possible for 250 people to be physically distant?  I would be vastly surprised if someone who is planning - and paying for - that large of a wedding used even the precautions that are possible (and the most important one, physically distancing, is not even going to be possible). 

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Many (hugs)

With dh and I we go with the one who wants to be most cautious.

My friend attended a wedding and despite being promised otherwise it was just a normal wedding with no precautions, even a crowded dancefloor.  I read an article about wedding photographers being lied to and showing up to see none of the promised precautions.  I would not trust a wedding.

If your dh goes do you have room to quarantine him? 

Part of the big disconnect I see is people thinking they can do what they want as long as they don't care about getting sick.  That's not how this works

Edited by happi duck
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1 minute ago, happi duck said:

I read an article about wedding photographers being lied to and showing up to see none of the promised precautions. 

My dh is currently quarantining at a friend's unoccupied house because of this very thing!  Most of his weddings this summer got canceled, postponed, or modified to be Covid-compliant due to our state guidelines.  But he had one last weekend that was in a different state with almost no restrictions.  200+ people, no masks, no distancing.  They did not even bother to follow the state's meager guidelines.  He was the only person wearing a mask! And because it was legal in that state and he was under contract, there was nothing he could do.  He has another wedding this weekend that will be Covid-compliant but now those clients are struggling to decide if they want to risk having him there.  

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Op, this would be so hard.  

Is there any sort of compromise that could be reached?  In my family it's incredibly common for people to attend half (ie either the ceremony or the reception.)  Is that something that could be an option?  Most ceremonies are pretty short.

 

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3 minutes ago, skimomma said:

Yes.  Photographer.

Does he not have a clause in his contract that allows him to back out due to illness or some other emergency?  I have always had one in mine (with a full refund).  I would think it would not be difficult to declare a pandemic the type of emergency that warrants refunding the client.  (and as a wedding photographer myself, I likely would have done exactly that with a wedding that size.  

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Honestly, I *would* assume it's a relatively normal wedding. My... frustrating... brother just attended a wedding this weekend. It looked like it was probably all or mostly outdoors, but I didn't see a single mask in the photos, that was definitely a buffet in the background, and it was definitely over a hundred people, hugging, leaning on each other over shared food... In other words, looked like a bunch of people who didn't think the virus could possibly hurt them. Sigh.

I don't know what you do, but that would be a hard no for me.

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3 hours ago, ksr5377 said:

 He's upset and hurt that I would think to miss his cousin's wedding over what he sees as an overreaction to a new strain of the cold virus.  Our RSVP is due within the week. 

 

I'd frame it like this, "You're upset and hurt that I want to miss your cousin's wedding.  I'm upset and hurt that you're willing to risk the lives of yourself, your wife, and your children because your cousin is too stupid to cancel or delay a wedding during the worst pandemic since 1918. Why aren't our lives more important to you than a stupid party?"

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15 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Does he not have a clause in his contract that allows him to back out due to illness or some other emergency?  I have always had one in mine (with a full refund).  I would think it would not be difficult to declare a pandemic the type of emergency that warrants refunding the client.  (and as a wedding photographer myself, I likely would have done exactly that with a wedding that size.  

He does.  He does not think he can call it an "emergency" if the event is following all local laws.  He was assured by the couple that every precaution was to be taken.  Not to mention he had already sunk the cost of a rental car, gas, and lodging.  His business is barely hanging on by a thread right now.  The financial and reputational loss of backing out on the day of the wedding seemed impossible.  In hindsight, we wished he had but that was not until after the guests were all flaming drunk and acting even more irresponsible.  

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5 minutes ago, skimomma said:

He does.  He does not think he can call it an "emergency" if the event is following all local laws.  He was assured by the couple that every precaution was to be taken.  Not to mention he had already sunk the cost of a rental car, gas, and lodging.  His business is barely hanging on by a thread right now.  The financial and reputational loss of backing out on the day of the wedding seemed impossible.  In hindsight, we wished he had but that was not until after the guests were all flaming drunk and acting even more irresponsible.  

Yeah, I understand.  I almost had to walk out for a different situation and it's a very hard decision to make.  

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I'm really sorry.  My parents are struggling with differences of precautions and it is really hard.  And I think even they would both agree that a 250+ person party is out of the question.  

What are people thinking, really??  How can anyone take the risk of exposing that many people at one time.  Get married privately and have the reception next year.  

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Sending some hugs.  I was thinking the other day how hard it would be if you and your spouse disagreed on covid.   Dh and I don't thank goodness.   It has to be lots more stress at a horrible stressful time.

It would be a hard no for both of us.

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It's so hard because we don't have control over other people's choices That's the thing with a big event like this. My husband got upset with me for it, but I put in the John's Hopkins calculator an estimated size (200) plus the location, and the risk of the wedding was really high (85% risk of someone having COVID). That, and the uncertainty associated with how much compliance there would be with masking meant that I just wasn't comfortable taking on that risk.  It only takes one sick person to get many others sick.  It's very hard when you and your dh disagree on how much risk you are willing to undertake and what constitutes risk.

 

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Right at the beginning we discussed our line-in-the-sand scenarios, which we occasionally revisited when cases were down in our area. So when we get an invitation to something on the no list, we really don’t even have to discuss it. Only something very major for one of our own children would have us think twice, and thankfully nothing like a wedding or graduation is on the immediate horizon. 
 

A large group cousin’s wedding? We wouldn’t even be discussing it. IMO we all need to get better at discerning the difference between hurt and disappointed. One can experience the latter without conflating it with the former. 

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IMO, No for you and kids.  

He can go alone if it’s very important to him, because he is an adult and can decide for himself. It does potentially put the rest of nuclear family at risk.   Chances are that that particular wedding won’t be one of the horrible cluster outbreak drivers, but it certainly could be.  If your husband like Russian roulette he should be on his own for that. 

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I should maybe dial back my response a bit, because it would be a marriage breaker for me.  But one of our kids is at very high risk.  I might feel more nonchalant if it wasn't for my child's health issue.

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35 minutes ago, Katy said:

I should maybe dial back my response a bit, because it would be a marriage breaker for me.  But one of our kids is at very high risk.  I might feel more nonchalant if it wasn't for my child's health issue.

I really liked your response. But, like, without the word stupid unless you want to fight. But in a general sense, you framed it as you are hurt and I am hurt, which I think is probably a good starting place for this conversation. 

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When places started closing down in the spring, my dh was bound and determined to go to a silly conference. He actually laughed because I did an extra grocery trip for essentials back in March. I told him that I was not comfortable with him coming home and potentially spreading whatever was there with me and dd (who was home “only” for an extended spring break at that time) since we are both higher risk. He stayed with his parents for a couple of weeks, but is now staying with his brother, because he is still regularly visiting friends in a neighboring state (unmasked) and shopping in stores, supposedly masked, but who knows? 
 

For us, until there is a reasonably reliable treatment or a vaccine, he will continue to stay with his brother because he doesn’t want to be as cautious as I am being. I think he understands that when it comes to dd's health (and mine, and my parents'- I'm a only child, and need to be able to be there for them) it is very much a hill I am willing to die - or preferably NOT die - on.

I hope things work out for you, OP, whatever you choose. 

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So wait...you are basing your opinion on the experience of local, trusted health care workers with first hand knowledge, and he thinks that is bad? What, exactly, is he basing HIS opinion on?

Which medical expert out there with first hand knowledge of this virus says that gathering in groups of hundreds of people for hours is a safe or good idea? As him to find one, then you will talk and compare notes. 

But I can tell you I would not go. No way. No how. Nor would I play in traffic or anything else equally unsafe. 

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2 hours ago, Farrar said:

I really liked your response. But, like, without the word stupid unless you want to fight. But in a general sense, you framed it as you are hurt and I am hurt, which I think is probably a good starting place for this conversation. 

Ditto

4 hours ago, skimomma said:

My dh is currently quarantining at a friend's unoccupied house because of this very thing!  Most of his weddings this summer got canceled, postponed, or modified to be Covid-compliant due to our state guidelines.  But he had one last weekend that was in a different state with almost no restrictions.  200+ people, no masks, no distancing.  They did not even bother to follow the state's meager guidelines.  He was the only person wearing a mask! And because it was legal in that state and he was under contract, there was nothing he could do.  He has another wedding this weekend that will be Covid-compliant but now those clients are struggling to decide if they want to risk having him there.  

Can he rework his contracts going forward to include what he is comfortable with and saying that if he finds a different scenario, he is within his rights to cancel and retain any deposits? I would be trying to find an attorney to help with this if possible. He shouldn't have to take those risks. 

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Sending lots of hugs.

If I were facing this situation, I would try to be clear where my own lines were & then attempt to communicate them in a way that is calm, clear, and not controlling.

So, for me, I would not be willing to attend such a wedding, or to have my kids attend.  I wouldn't want dh to, but I would respect his right to make his own assessments and choices.... however, if he attended such a gathering, I would need us to be quarantined from each other for 14 days after his return & we would need to talk through the logistics of how that would work. Ideally Dh would agree to quarantine from the family (and I can't imagine mine not), but if he didn't, then it would be on me to figure out how to do what I needed to in order to be safe. 

These are really hard times - and there's so much emotional weight, on top of the potential for serious health risks... it can make sorting through this really hard when people living together are viewing things differently. 

I think it's important to both sort out my own emotions - sometimes I have intense feelings about these decisions that I need to process before I can have a reasonable conversation - & to know where my hard lines are, and then to hold to those, clearly, compassionately, and firmly... but taking ownership of my own stuff, not trying to control other adults.  It's really hard.  (Part of it can be communicating how **not okay** I feel about a loved one taking a risk - sharing that I have those feelings is fair, but using those to pressure or manipulate would not be, imo. It can be fair to ask someone to do or not do something because it is important to you, even if they don't think it is important). 

Good luck, honey.  I wish you didn't have to deal with this!

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Thanks for all the replies everyone.  I haven't had a chance to talk to him again about it.  I know part of it is just feeling terrible that we would miss this.  I, too, will feel terrible to miss this.  It's the youngest son in the family that we're the closest to on DH's side of the family.  I called DH's aunt, the mom of the groom, to get a better idea of the plans.  I didn't want to make a decision based on assumptions.  It's as bad as I thought.  They invited almost 400 people.  The hall holds 275.   This is what they have done for every other child's wedding and we've crammed in and had a great time.  It's just different now.  Our state currently has a mandate against gatherings of more than 10 people with an EXEMPTION for weddings, capping out at 300.  I will never understand this, other than that it's political.  The wedding will also be in the current worst county in our state.  It is rural and has a small population and is very conservative.  The conspiracy theories are running rampant and despite there being a mask mandate in place, hardly anyone is ever wearing a mask.  Our Governor actually called out our county today and his exact words concerning the infection rate were "Way above anybody else....and that's the news there unfortunately. Significant community spread is taking place."  Schools start here next week and every. single. school. is going back in person, 5 days a week.  Wish us luck!

I know the problem is everyone considered it a big city problem and rolled their eyes during the shutdown.  And it's true, our county probably could have waited to shut down a bit because it wasn't even close to being here yet.  That made everyone think it was ridiculous and over hyped.  So now it's here and the only people who seem to have noticed are those who work in the hospital. 

It's just stressful and yet I know if this is the worst thing my family has gone through so far during this pandemic we're very lucky.   

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@ksr5377  Praying for you.  I have a guess as to what state you are in.  😃  I remember thinking when I made the decision about the wedding we skipped, that I wished the state would just make this decision for me--like the county would go to the high level (purple) which means people should just stay home.  

Do you have an idea of if the couple would be understanding of you not going due to the pandemic? If you could get together with just the two of them a few weeks after the wedding for an outdoor lunch or dinner, would your dh feel like that would help him feel supportive? 

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A cold virus (or a “new variation” of it....which Covid isn’t, but that’s another subject) has never killed 167,000 Americans in less than six months. It’s never hospitalized hundreds of thousands, either. Your husband’s view is delusional (not that you should tell him that, but it might help your resolve). 
I think a LOT of people are having an immense amount of difficulty coping with an external reality that won’t confirm to their desires, worldview, etc. Thats a natural end result of our consumer culture, IMHO, which has inculcated this expectation/belief (in having a consumer experience at all times) in our country at large. 
When I remember this, it helps me have more compassion for those who resent the changes. 
 

But protect yourself and your children. With your county’s #s, and that size of gathering, it’s almost a guarantee someone there will have an active case of it. 
 

Best of luck. 

Edited by Happy2BaMom
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19 minutes ago, Happy2BaMom said:

I think a LOT of people are having an immense amount of difficulty coping with an external reality that won’t confirm to their desires, worldview, etc.

Yes! From the outside (of their minds), it looks like people have the expectation that this virus will conform to what they think--almost like if you don't believe it, it won't happen. Peter Pan in reverse. I've said more than once over the past couple of weeks (not to their faces), "Just because you believe something, it doesn't make it so!" 

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Family events are continually putting people in awkward situations as they decide how safe the event is. I am certain over 50 people is unmanageable for physical distancing. Dd had a wedding of 30 which was carefully planned. All I could say at the end in regards to covid was thankfully there weren't more people there. She has also had to decline large family weddings out of state and is still being pressured to go to another that looks like a bad situation. But the ones who don't go not only miss out but are the bad guys. 

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15 hours ago, kbutton said:

 

Ditto

Can he rework his contracts going forward to include what he is comfortable with and saying that if he finds a different scenario, he is within his rights to cancel and retain any deposits? I would be trying to find an attorney to help with this if possible. He shouldn't have to take those risks. 

Yep.  All contracts that have been signed since we realized how bad this was going to be has wording to address this.  Specifically that he can back out if the event does not follow local laws, if anyone involved in the event (including him) has tested positive within 14 days or is displaying symptoms, etc.....  His weddings typically book out 18-24 months ahead of time so he has weddings through next summer that have the old contract.

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Gosh I'm sorry.  I'm sorry your dh feels put in that situation, and don't understand at all how he thinks of Covid as nothing more than a cold.  (Has he looked at the statistics?)  But I'd be livid about the family that is actually planning this wedding, so besides not going because of my own discomfort, I'd not go because I wouldn't want to support what they were doing.  I'd send the couple a nice card though, wishing them well and that you would have loved to have gone if circumstances were different.

But as far as your dh...  I'm sure his beliefs are partly drawn from the environment he's from.  Perhaps he's actually come a long way already from that point!  I'd be honest about your own position and kindly hold firm about you and kids not going, but he's an adult and I wouldn't let his choice come between me and our marriage.  

I'd ask him to do the socially distant thing when he returned and to wear a good mask even at home when other people are around him.

Of course what I'd really like to do is yell and lecture everyone, but I know that goes nowhere fast.

This is the one time I've been really glad about all the obsessive-compulsive tendencies in some of our families!  

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34 minutes ago, skimomma said:

Yep.  All contracts that have been signed since we realized how bad this was going to be has wording to address this.  Specifically that he can back out if the event does not follow local laws, if anyone involved in the event (including him) has tested positive within 14 days or is displaying symptoms, etc.....  His weddings typically book out 18-24 months ahead of time so he has weddings through next summer that have the old contract.

 

Does old contract have any language about unforeseeable events or acts of God where it can be modified by an International Emergency?

 

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On 8/13/2020 at 10:44 AM, ksr5377 said:

He thinks I'm overreacting because I have heard too many horror stories from my mom and sisters who are all nurses who have cared for Covid patients these last few months.

More people need to hear these real-life stories, rather than bury their heads in the sand and deny the truth. Yes, it is scary to hear the stories, but a husband and father needs to face facts and make informed decisions for the welfare of their family - the people they are responsible for. 

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2 hours ago, Pen said:

 

Does old contract have any language about unforeseeable events or acts of God where it can be modified by an International Emergency?

 

The nature of this pandemic and the wildly varying opinions on its seriousness make this a problem.  Dh is not high risk nor is anyone in my household.  His concern is not about getting sick but rather doing our part to control spread.  The people who would understand this as an act of God or emergency have already modified the plans for their weddings or have postponed them.  The people he would have to try to use these clauses with would likely not see this as applicable.....especially when they are following their local laws, or lack thereof.  

As terrible as this is, dh is no more at risk than the vast number of people forced to work in the service industry.  It is hard to whine too much about what he was exposed too when we think of grocery cashiers and hotel workers and all the other people doing even riskier things where there is no contract.   I was just speaking to a much earlier post about how wedding workers are indeed showing up to find that the event is not as safe as they may have been promised. Or what is even more likely, that the clients planned to be safe but quickly found they have no control over 200 people who have been drinking heavily.

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OP, I’m not sure if this will be helpful at this point, but wanted to share how DH and I handle things we might disagree on.  Anything that could potentially impact us in a long term or big way only takes one no, from either of us.  Obviously, this works for things like babies and moves and major life changes, but we generally apply it to anything that might keep the other person up at night with worry, because life is too short for either of us to live with that kind of anxiety, and who wants that for their spouse?  Generally, we’re pretty in sync, so  it’s more of an unconscious consideration thing, but we’ve laughingly called it the Rule of One No.  

Since your DH thinks of this as a new cold, he probably wouldn’t see it as a potential big impact on your life, but might he be open to alleviating the agony of worry it could cause you?  

I think if he feels he must go, arranging a place for him to quarantine for two weeks away from you and kids is a good plan. And testing, too.

We are missing a super important, big deal wedding this month.  Like comparable to one of our kids getting married.  It’s disappointing, and it’s hard when we are stricter than some others who go - it’s hard to be different.  But it’s just the way things are right now.

I’m so sorry. It must be so hard to be on opposite ends of this.  

 

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I am so sorry. This is very hard.

I come from a culture where we marry into the family and not just the person. So it was very important to me my parents be very involved in our lives even though they live thousands of miles away. I chose DH who understood and felt that way. We have built a lifestyle where one of goes often to our native country if our parents need us and the other stays here looking after kids and home. It is that important to us. I  say all this for background before how we handle COVID and family.

At the beginning of this, DH and I sat down and had a heart to heart on how we will handle it if one of our parents die. We have always gone when all 2 sets of grandparents died often with hours notice. Just close up house, take leave, pay lots of money for tickets and leave go even with a small child. So that was our plan for our parents as well. But during COVID we recognized that we could not go because of lack of flights and borders closing or not being able to come back. So we decided if any of our parents die or become sick we could not go most of all because of our kids. It is one of the hardest and brutally honest conversations we had. At the end we were both crying, even DH who is usually very stoic because we value our parents so much and they came time and time again to help us with our kids and develop a relationship with their grandkids. It was also one of the hardest conversations we had with our siblings and our parents. 

DH and I value our marriage and each other very much, I always try to compromise, communicate and so does he. But I know if one of us had wavered on this and not put our kids and our little family first it would have done irreparable damage to our marriage to the point of ending it and it would have been a hill we both would have died on. I will not gamble on  my children's safety for anything and so will DH.  We did not take this lightly and I pray every single day our parents live through this. 

It is not easy, none of it is and it completely sucks. But our children need us to be their line of defense and extended family comes second every single time. So that was our decision,

 I am sorry OP, I have no words of wisdom only hugs to offer and will keep you in my prayers. 

Edited by Dreamergal
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50 minutes ago, Spryte said:

OP, I’m not sure if this will be helpful at this point, but wanted to share how DH and I handle things we might disagree on.  Anything that could potentially impact us in a long term or big way only takes one no, from either of us.  Obviously, this works for things like babies and moves and major life changes, but we generally apply it to anything that might keep the other person up at night with worry, because life is too short for either of us to live with that kind of anxiety, and who wants that for their spouse?  Generally, we’re pretty in sync, so  it’s more of an unconscious consideration thing, but we’ve laughingly called it the Rule of One No.  

 

 

 

That's pretty much how we do it... and now I have a good name for it! 

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3 hours ago, Spryte said:

 Generally, we’re pretty in sync, so  it’s more of an unconscious consideration thing, but we’ve laughingly called it the Rule of One No.  

One No to Rule Them All 

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