Extremely sad today

[Janeway]

I woke up this morning to a text message from a very good friend, someone I would consider a best friend, that she woke up this morning to find her husband had died in his sleep. She has a teenager, and two grown children and she home schools. I cannot believe it. I can still hear his voice. My husband was friends with her husband. I am in shock but upset. Her son does not want to come out of his room, not even when they took the body away. I am unsure what I should do to help her. I know nothing I do will likely matter. She has some family flying in to help her. 

 

 

Edited August 10, 2020 by Janeway

[mommyoffive]

So tragic.  I am so sorry for their loss.  Sending thoughts to them.

[Laurie]

I'm so sorry!  

It's good that she has family coming to help.  But when they leave she'll still be dealing with grief and all the red tape that comes with a death in the family.  If you live in the same area you might be able to help her then,  by giving her son a place to go so he's not alone when she has to meet with a lawyer, banker, etc.  and then giving her a shoulder to cry on when she needs one.   

 

[desertflower]

I am so sorry for your loss and hers.

[DoraBora]

I'm very sorry.  Such a terrible shock.

{{{Janeway}}}

[Scarlett]

That is horrifying.  I am in tears with you.  😞

 

[prairiewindmomma]

If I were you, I would drop off some easy snack foods (muffins, fruit, etc) that can be eaten at any time and offer to bring in dinner later this week. She will have a lot of support until after the funeral and then everyone fades away. Make an effort to really support her then..... I would also put a reminder in your phone for a month, six months, and a year from now so that you can text her or call her in support. The grief anniversaries are bad.

[YaelAldrich]

10 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

If I were you, I would drop off some easy snack foods (muffins, fruit, etc) that can be eaten at any time and offer to bring in dinner later this week. She will have a lot of support until after the funeral and then everyone fades away. Make an effort to really support her then..... I would also put a reminder in your phone for a month, six months, and a year from now so that you can text her or call her in support. The grief anniversaries are bad.

Set that calendar alarm for the day before and of your friend's husband's death every month for the first year.  Those days were very hard for me after my sister died.  I thought, "It's now two months (or however long) since Nicole died" Touch base with her and know you are there for her (if that's what you can do).  Not now but soon you could get her my favorite book for people going through mourning, It's OK That You're Not OK.  It has helped me so much and I give it to a lot of people in this situation.  Thank you for being a friend to her.  Many people will walk away, not because they are mean, but because they can't handle death or don't know what to do or say.

Edited August 10, 2020 by YaelAldrich

[fairfarmhand]

If your dh is handy and comfortable with this, offer his services from time to time. "Hey, do you have a leaky faucet/toilet or some weird sound with the car or anything that my dh can handle for you?" because even if shes comfortable doing these things or arranging for them to be done, it may help to just have someone else handle it, even if its arranging for a reputable repair guy to manage it. (sometimes, repairmen behave differently when women are handling things vs. a man handling things)

I'm so sorry. Loss is so hard.

[PrincessMommy]

what an awful loss.  I'm so sorry.  Hugs.  

I would try to remember to call her every couple of days to see how she is doing.

In May, when my niece had her baby at 22 weeks (with 2 littles at home) we banded together and got them a GrubHub e-gift card so they didn't have to think about food for a bit.  

[Kanin]

Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I can't even picture how awful that would be. 

[QueenCat]

I can't even imagine. It's good that she has a good friend in you. 

[Guest]

I am so sorry. What a terribly sad thing. 

[Garga]

When we were in our 30s, my best friend’s husband died.  She lived about a 5 hour drive from me, so I couldn’t really “be” there for her.  

I would call her and check on her, but after a few months, I didn’t call as often. I deeply regret that. I’ve never made that mistake again. I haven’t had a close friend suffer a loss like that since then, but I have known a few acquaintances who have.  I mark my calendar for various anniversaries (wedding/birthday/Christmas) and I send a little message to them saying, “Thinking of you today.”

With a closer friend, like yours, don’t drop the ball like I did.  You’ll regret it. If you need to, set notices on the calendar for the next 2 years at least so you don’t let time get away from you.  Call/message her every couple of weeks at the very least.

[Garga]

And if she cries it’s ok. My dh and I went out to dinner with one acquaintance I have whose husband died.  We weren’t all good friends, but were strong acquaintances.  I had to tell DH ahead of time, “We’re going to talk about her husband. She will cry. Let her.” That was news to him.  He was like, “But don’t we want to avoid that topic? And if she cries, shouldn’t we try to cheer her up and make her stop?” No. Let them talk about their loved one and let them get teary-eyed, even many months/a year/two years, etc later. 

[catz]

Oh how heartbreaking.  I'm so sorry.  Thinking of your friend and her family and you during this awful time.  

[cintinative]

I'm so sorry!! 

A few things that she *might* respond to.  If she has family coming, would it be okay with her and helpful if you helped her clean the house, got picnic products for fast cleanup like plates, napkins and plastic silverware, and/or stocked the fridge with sandwich and snack kind of things? Does she need help calling friends and family?  Does she have a dog that needs to be walked?  

[prairiewindmomma]

21 minutes ago, Garga said:

And if she cries it’s ok. My dh and I went out to dinner with one acquaintance I have whose husband died.  We weren’t all good friends, but were strong acquaintances.  I had to tell DH ahead of time, “We’re going to talk about her husband. She will cry. Let her.” That was news to him.  He was like, “But don’t we want to avoid that topic? And if she cries, shouldn’t we try to cheer her up and make her stop?” No. Let them talk about their loved one and let them get teary-eyed, even many months/a year/two years, etc later. 

Yes, they are thinking about their loved one either way. Either you are safe to talk about the person with them, or they are hiding a part of their lives from you because you can’t handle their grief. 
 

That raises a good point. If their lawn needs mowed, the dog needs walked or errands need to happen pronto, be of help to them. Everyone will say they are so sorry, what a shock, they are sad, etc but I was surprised by how many “friends” couldn’t manage their own feelings enough to show up and actually be there for us when we needed them or be helpful. I don’t f-g need your sympathy—-my kid needs their normal play date or I need someone to pick up groceries because I don’t want to have to bump into someone at the store or deal with a cashier asking me how my day was the day after my child died. 

Edited August 10, 2020 by prairiewindmomma

[Teresa in MO]

I am coming up on the 4th anniversary of my dh's sudden death.  Five of my 10 children were still living at home, my youngest was 13.  It's been a very difficult journey, still is at times.  I was blessed in that I had a very close homeschooling friend that I could talk to and say anything and not be judged.  She listened to me, cried with me, and most importantly just sat quietly with me.  She was and is a lifesaver.  We had been friends for almost 25 years. My dh's aunt also became a huge support.  Once family leaves and everyone goes back to their normal lives is when she will need you the most.

I found that with a sudden death, you have to get through the shock before you can really begin the grieving process.  For me this took a long time.  I learned there is no timetable for grief.  Everyone is different.  She might have people try to push her to do things before she is ready.  It took me almost 2 years and numerous tries before I could even start going through my husband's clothing.  And thats ok.  I've gone through his things 4 or 5 times and each time let go of more and more, so now I'm down to 2 drawers.  Her kids will likely each grief differently, I know mine did.  

I am so, so sorry for her loss.  It is not a journey I would wish on anyone.

 

[Pen]

I am so sorry for your loss and your frien’s family. 

[Ottakee]

4 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

If your dh is handy and comfortable with this, offer his services from time to time. "Hey, do you have a leaky faucet/toilet or some weird sound with the car or anything that my dh can handle for you?" because even if shes comfortable doing these things or arranging for them to be done, it may help to just have someone else handle it, even if its arranging for a reputable repair guy to manage it. (sometimes, repairmen behave differently when women are handling things vs. a man handling things)

I'm so sorry. Loss is so hard.

Yes.   Even call her and say, hey, we are bringing over supper.  Please make a list for (your dh) of some projects that need doing and we will tackle them.   A good thing would also be to have your DH include her son in these guy things.   Teen boys need a man to guide them.

[Ottakee]

This book, It's Not Fair https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01863JNDC/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_1tCmFbEJ1M27R

Was the best book on grief I have read.  It is real.  It is raw.  It is encouraging.....but it could be weeks or months before your friend might want to read it.  I read it a page or so a day over months.  But, like the author herself says, if you don't like it.....throw it across the room.    She is a Christian but is not all everything is great type person.  She is real about the hurt and pain.

[Ausmumof3]

I’m so sorry.  I know when I lost my mum having other people and kids come by just to not feel alone was helpful.  But otherwise if you can’t do that maybe some preprepared food so people remember to eat might help.

[mominco]

(((Hugs)))

[Starr]

I am so sorry. 

[Melissa in Australia]

so so sad,

 I am so sorry

[Hannah]

So sorry for your loss Janeway. That is incredibly sad.  As others have said, the tough time is after the funeral.  Just be there for her and allow your friend the space to talk.  You don't have to offer solutions, only acknowledgement that you hear her.

And as others have said, be there for the practical stuff and keep including her in your social life (post Covid).

[sheryl]

23 hours ago, Janeway said:

I woke up this morning to a text message from a very good friend, someone I would consider a best friend, that she woke up this morning to find her husband had died in his sleep. She has a teenager, and two grown children and she home schools. I cannot believe it. I can still hear his voice. My husband was friends with her husband. I am in shock but upset. Her son does not want to come out of his room, not even when they took the body away. I am unsure what I should do to help her. I know nothing I do will likely matter. She has some family flying in to help her. 

 

 

There are no words.  I'm sorry for all.  Perhaps do "not" ask if she needs help.  She'll decline so as not to be a burden.  If you're close/close then consider  making some meals and freeze  them for her.  Just "be" with her.  You don't need to talk and reason though.  Let her initiate.  In time she'll talk.  This might be an angle to consider.