My mom just hung up on me. (Covid-related)

[Moonhawk]

So my mom thinks I am using Covid as an excuse to keep the kids away from her. I'll admit it has made my life much much easier but no, I'm not using it as an excuse. 

My mom has been very cavalier about everything, though wears as mask (wears only a face shield, actually) when required. On our phone conversation she announced they will come to visit us since I won't take the kids there. I asked if they have been quarantining? She said that she's quarantining and not going anywhere. I asked "for 2 weeks?" Well, other than groceries (I can live with that), and church (hmm, maybe okay), she hasn't gone anywhere.

But wait, didn't she tell me last week that she went out to eat with her friends? THAT WAS SO LONG AGO AND YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS. GOODBYE MOONHAWK. *click*

So while I feel guilty and like I need to call her back, mostly because of my conditioning, I guess at least I've gotten this out of the way for another week, at least.

I wish she would actually just quarantine for 2 weeks (and I'd even be ok with grocery trip) so I could just bring the kids up to her, but "her freedom" is more important, and that's her choice. 

And now I'm less likely to trust her vows of quarantine in the future, which double stinks.

😞 

 

[mathnerd]

Our relatives are far, far away from us, but, if they were anywhere within reachable distance, I would have had to deal with this from both sides of the family with numerous family events, weddings, baby showers, housewarmings, parties, social get togethers, dropping in on each other, bringing food to each other etc during the height of a pandemic.

my only suggestion, could you drive your kids over to your parents’ house, perhaps in the evening when it is not hot and have them talk to your parents from the driveway while in your car and then leave? I don’t know if your relationship is  such that you can set ground rules like 6 ft from the car, no hugging etc. My sympathies.

Edited August 3, 2020 by mathnerd

[PeterPan]

17 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

they will come to visit us

You should always assume visitors may have it. Visit outside or just say no. 

Is she skyping with the grands?

 

Edited August 3, 2020 by PeterPan

[prairiewindmomma]

1 minute ago, Seasider too said:

So what’s your plan for when she just shows up on your doorstep?

Yup. She told you (indirectly) that she doesn't care about your feelings or wishes by being so dismissive of you. In a dysfunctional dynamic, she's likely to show up on your doorstep to force the issue.

[Moonhawk]

38 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

You should always assume visitors may have it. Visit outside or just say no. 

Is she skyping with the grands?

About once a week. I told her she can call them whenever she wants. When she calms down I'll tell her we can schedule it daily/every-other if she wants, to prove that it isn't a keep-away thing. 

33 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

So what’s your plan for when she just shows up on your doorstep?

We are 2 hours away so I'm hoping that deters her from doing a whole drive where there may be no pay out. If she comes I have no idea. I'd probably ask her the same questions and then say that once she actually does a 2 week quarantine then I'll be happy to bring the kids out to her. And be prepared just to take the fury. If there wasn't fury and instead understanding, I'd let kids talk through the porch windows (totally hearable), but I see that as...an outside chance, lol.

31 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

How old is she?

Not a day over 39, and certainly not 74. (edit: ahem, ahem, lol)

Edited August 3, 2020 by Moonhawk

[Rosie_0801]

If you're into proving things to her, I'd recommend proving she's pissed you off.

[KungFuPanda]

That sucks. I have a brother who is sharing all of the memes about people “living in fear.” We were supposed to visit him out in Colorado Springs in June but that’s postponed indefinitely. 

[SounderChick]

You did nothing wrong.  Don't call her back.  Don't setup extra FaceTime or whateve.  It won't help.  Nothing will be enough unless it's exactly what she wants.  I would come up with a plan on case she shows up.  I know plenty of stories where people have gone a lot further than 2 hrs to show up uninvited if it's what they think they deserve.

Edited August 3, 2020 by rebcoola

[Shoeless]

Oh, I'm so sorry.  I got some attitude/blame for not allowing the in-laws to come over, and received a tersely worded message stating they would wait until I found it acceptable for them to visit. 🙄 Okie dokie.  

You didn't do anything wrong. It sucks that your mom is being this way, but you are not responsible for fixing her emotions or jeopardizing your health so she can have a fun visit. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. 

[Moonhawk]

Just now, MissLemon said:

Oh, I'm so sorry.  I got some attitude/blame for not allowing the in-laws to come over, and received a tersely worded message stating they would wait until I found it acceptable for them to visit. 🙄 Okie dokie.  

You didn't do anything wrong. It sucks that your mom is being this way, but you are not responsible for fixing her emotions or jeopardizing your health so she can have a fun visit. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. 

Yeah, I'm guilty of setting myself on fire for her, completely true. It's how I was raised, and culturally I think it was just "how it is" so I can't even be too mad at her.

But my kids and their health? Naw, that's a hard no.

[prairiewindmomma]

Yeah. I'm chiming back in to emphasize the point that you don't need to make this "right" for her. You don't need to cave on your standards. You don't need to apologize. You don't need to smooth things over socially by offering her additional access to you or your kids. That's feeding the monster.  I really wouldn't pick up the phone to dial her next at all. 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Moonhawk said:

About once a week. I told her she can call them whenever she wants. When she calms down I'll tell her we can schedule it daily/every-other if she wants, to prove that it isn't a keep-away thing. 

We are 2 hours away so I'm hoping that deters her from doing a whole drive where there may be no pay out. If she comes I have no idea. I'd probably ask her the same questions and then say that once she actually does a 2 week quarantine then I'll be happy to bring the kids out to her. And be prepared just to take the fury. If there wasn't fury and instead understanding, I'd let kids talk through the porch windows (totally hearable), but I see that as...an outside chance, lol.

Not a day over 39, and certainly not 74. (edit: ahem, ahem, lol)

Wait, how old is she really?  

[Moonhawk]

19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Wait, how old is she really?  

74. But shh, don't tell her I told you. If you think I'm in trouble now... lol

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

74. But shh, don't tell her I told you. If you think I'm in trouble now... lol

Ok, well someone said she is young and so you must be a young mother.,,,,,my mother is 75 and I could have grandchildren of my own.....so I was just confused.  
 

I think you are right to keep your children safe.....which very well may mean no in person visits with your mother.  However it would be a kindness to arrange extra zoom visits......or other ways to help them all stay connected.  

[Moonhawk]

26 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Sorry thought she was really 39. I said that about her being a young mom. Lol

And then you said I must be a young mom, and it was the nicest thing said to me all day 🙂

I was late in life, though. She was 41 when she had me. So there is definite more disconnect. Though, my sisters are in their 50s and she treats them the same, so... yeah. It's not just my age that nets me the treatment.

[mommyoffive]

Ugh, I am so sorry you are being put in this position.   

[HS Mom in NC]

One strategy for remaining in control of the situation is to take people at their word and actions instead of cowering at their emotional intimidation tactics.  She freely chose to end the conversation by hanging up for whatever good or bad reason(s.)  Respect that and let the conversing be done. She thinks you're being ridiculous. She's entitled to her opinion whether or not it's well informed or badly informed, grounded in reality or based on her irrationality.  Respect that she's entitled to it and don't get into an argument or try to persuade her that she's wrong.  She can just be wrong. Lots of people are wrong about lots of things, you're not oligated to correct them or to agree with them. She is choosing to be upset.  Respect that and let her feel her feelings in full without trying to change her feelings.

If she shows up wanting to see the grands tell her no, thank you.  When she asks why tell you already covered that in the last conversation on the phone and tell her you and the kids look forward to seeing her on skype, wish her a safe trip home, say goodbye, and then close the door. If she tells you she's quarantined and only went out for groceries and doctor's appointments, tell her you don't believe her anymore because she left out going out with friends last time she told you she quarantined. Don't wait for her to respond because it indicates you want to discuss and debate it.   Don't try to persuade her that you're right about anything. Don't interact with her again unless she's being civil on the phone or on skype. Tell her you and the kids look forward to seeing her on skype, wish her a safe trip home, say good bye, and close the door. 

If she's uncivil on skype or the phone tell her she seems very upset and you don't think it's productive to keep the conversation going.  Wish her well, say goodbye, and hang up the phone. 

She's going to be pissed off.  Let her be pissed off....on her own time in her own space, not yours.