UPDATE - Young adults who actually want to get married?

[Ann.without.an.e]

UPDATE -

An update, just in case it is helpful to someone in the same situation.

One has now been married for two months, the other is soon to be engaged, and the third is seriously dating someone and plans to propose in the spring. Two out of three of the couples met on dating apps and the other ended up with a friend. For the apps, it was a lot of weeding through, a lot of first dates that just didn't feel like a match, but they eventually met someone they connected with on a great level and had similar life goals and values. One was a Christian app and the other was Bumble. We love them all a ton and they are all great young people. Most people I meet who are young + married, engaged, or in serious relationships met on apps, I think it is how people expect to meet? Guys get a lot of backlash with they ask girls out who don't want to be asked out and it simply isn't worth the headache. 

 

 

*******************************************

It seems that most people now meet via dating apps? The problem is that I have three great young adults in my life who would love to date but aren't willing to go the app route.  Are there alternatives? Our church doesn't have a ton of young adults. These kids want to date to marry and that is becoming more difficult in our hook up culture. And it seems most apps tend to be hook up apps. 

Help me guide them please 🙂 Any ideas? Tips? for good kids who are looking for real relationships.

Edited December 3, 2021 by Ann.without.an.e

[Innisfree]

Volunteer work, community groups, hobbies. Real activities, where they'll meet people with similar interests. Focus on being out in the world and being themselves, and let the relationships follow naturally.

All of this is unusually hard right now, unfortunately. But this is what I'd suggest.

[Momto6inIN]

In my admittedly limited experience, people who are looking for friendships and/or romantic relationships rarely find ones worth holding on to.

But people who are out there living life and actively involved in activities they are passionate about regardless of who they meet while doing so often do. God works like that 😊

[Ottakee]

It is hard.  I know so many people, especially Christian young women that really do want to find a solid Christian young man to marry.

I have heard positives about eHarmony and some others.

Otherwise, I would look for mission/volunteer work with Christian organizations or community groups, larger church's young adults groups....usually very welcoming even if you attend other churches.

Covid make this extra hard 

[lynn]

Times have changed greatly.  I met my husband at church.  I was surprised when my son met a girl online.  Seemed like between school, work, and church he could have met someone.  Yet he's married with 2 kids now so I guess it worked for him.  Navy kid met a girl in Navy school., but has no intention on marrying any time soon  Oldest not sure how he met his current girlfriend.   I guess taking classes or join groups of interest, volunteering  would help meet more people.

[Ann.without.an.e]

12 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

In our parish, it is young men...

 

Well that is unusual haha  

[rjand6more]

Yep.  My ds is 24.  He is having such a hard time finding someone to date(to marry).  He said he has been waiting for the girls his age to settle down and grow up. lol  He doesn't like social media(and doesn't like the idea of using a  dating app ).  He works from home mostly and likes to stay home and not go out a ton. He's ready for a relationship. We're praying God will send him a match.  Soon, please.:)  CoVid has ruined the opportunity for volunteer stuff and average mingling opportunities.

[Lawyer&Mom]

I met my husband on a dating app, albeit one where you read profiles, and didn’t just swipe pictures. I got on the app specifically to find a husband, and I reviewed profiles through that lens.   I think apps are what you make of them.  Put on your profile that you are Christian and seeking marriage, and that will quickly separate the wheat from the chaff!  
In all seriousness, dating is a numbers game, especially if you are looking for something serious and not just a hookup.  Apps let you get your message to a broader group, which is a good thing.  If you know exactly what you want, and you are prepared to promptly decline people who offer you something else, I think apps can be a tool that can be used wisely. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

22 minutes ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

I met my husband on a dating app, albeit one where you read profiles, and didn’t just swipe pictures. I got on the app specifically to find a husband, and I reviewed profiles through that lens.   I think apps are what you make of them.  Put on your profile that you are Christian and seeking marriage, and that will quickly separate the wheat from the chaff!  
In all seriousness, dating is a numbers game, especially if you are looking for something serious and not just a hookup.  Apps let you get your message to a broader group, which is a good thing.  If you know exactly what you want, and you are prepared to promptly decline people who offer you something else, I think apps can be a tool that can be used wisely. 

 

This is what I tell my kiddos. You can do it and be so very picky and it may work.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

40 minutes ago, rjand6more said:

Yep.  My ds is 24.  He is having such a hard time finding someone to date(to marry).  He said he has been waiting for the girls his age to settle down and grow up. lol  He doesn't like social media(and doesn't like the idea of using a  dating app ).  He works from home mostly and likes to stay home and not go out a ton. He's ready for a relationship. We're praying God will send him a match.  Soon, please.:)  CoVid has ruined the opportunity for volunteer stuff and average mingling opportunities.

 

nm

Edited July 29, 2020 by Ann.without.an.e

[Ann.without.an.e]

35 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

Right?  And really ... these are wonderful guys.  

Most of the marriages in our parish have come from online meetings but based around interest groups, not dating apps.  A couple have been college/high-school sweetheart marriages.  

 

I have girls. We just need a WTM matchmaking service 😉 I am kidding but it would be a hoot right?

[Ann.without.an.e]

39 minutes ago, rjand6more said:

Yep.  My ds is 24.  He is having such a hard time finding someone to date(to marry).  He said he has been waiting for the girls his age to settle down and grow up. lol  He doesn't like social media(and doesn't like the idea of using a  dating app ).  He works from home mostly and likes to stay home and not go out a ton. He's ready for a relationship. We're praying God will send him a match.  Soon, please.:)  CoVid has ruined the opportunity for volunteer stuff and average mingling opportunities.

 

It is tough to watch them want that and not have it, right?  I have a very mature 18 year old dd who is similar to that, loves to be home, doesn't like social media (she has it for her business though), she is an old soul.  She was explaining to me the other day how she wants to date someone a bit older than her because she just wants to settle down into boring life with someone. She would rather build a life with someone at a young age than have to head in one direction and then try to mesh that with someone down the road. To be fair, I was 19 and my husband was 27 when we got married and I had the same sort of desires. I didn't need to "sow oats" or whatever they call it haha. By the time I was 24 I had three kids. I wouldn't change a thing. So while our culture would call her crazy, I totally get it. 

Edited July 29, 2020 by Ann.without.an.e

[math teacher]

Would they be open to trying a Christian dating app? Maybe even specific to your religion?

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just now, Math teacher said:

Would they be open to trying a Christian dating app? Maybe even specific to your religion?

 

I am working on it, haha.  I think I am warming them up to the idea 😉 

[Ann.without.an.e]

11 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

I’m pretty sure if you bounce to the high school and college areas you will find matchmaking talk. 😁

 

Really?  I missed it haha. I haven't spent much time over there in years though. 

Edited July 29, 2020 by Ann.without.an.e

[HS Mom in NC]

Most people with long lasting marriages meet their spouses at their place of worship, work, college, through friends or family, and at events of particular interest.  Now dating apps and services are common ways to meet. They should seriously consider a holistic approach (when COVID issues are under control) by using Christian dating apps/services even if they don't especially feel like it, finding a church with a large singles ministry and participating in the events on a regular basis even if they don't especially feel like it, accepting social invitations from and extending invitations to friends and family even if they don't especially feel like it, going to and starting co-worker social events even if they don't especially feel like it, and regularly meeting up with others who share their interests and passions even if they don't especially feel like it.  And I mean all of the above if they're serious about marriage.

Marriage is on the decline, so realistically they'll have to get multiple social circles going that are likely to result in meeting people that share something in common with them.  Friends, family, and co-workers can't fix you up with a fairly good match if they don't know you very well and if they don't know what kind of person you're interested in dating, or that you're open to consider being set up.  If you want to meet single people, you have to go where single people are. That's what Grandad told my mom and later, me." If you want to meet a good man (or woman,) go where the good men (or women) are.  And go places where you want that good man (or woman)  to be with you after you're married." Taking the passive "lady in waiting" approach is a dead end. 

Also, move your target age if necessary.  Don't decide you have to date someone within a couple of years of your age.  Obviously anyone dating an adult must be 18+ but being willing to date a solid 10 years above or below your own age will help.  My step-brothers each married women 8-10 years older than they were. You just have to match up stage of life.  If you're in the "wanting to marry and start a family" stage then be willing to look at people in that stage of a wider age range. I was 19 and my husband was 26.  He was established in his engineering career, owned his own home, and was ready to marry and start a family.  I planned to be a stay at home mom and probably homeschool. Good thing it worked out with that timing.  It took us 12 years and quite a lot of time and struggle to get our 3 kids.  If I'd started later #3 wouldn't likely have been a reality for us.

[Ann.without.an.e]

14 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Most people with long lasting marriages meet their spouses at their place of worship, work, college, through friends or family, and at events of particular interest.  Now dating apps and services are common ways to meet. They should seriously consider a holistic approach (when COVID issues are under control) by using Christian dating apps/services even if they don't especially feel like it, finding a church with a large singles ministry and participating in the events on a regular basis even if they don't especially feel like it, accepting social invitations from and extending invitations to friends and family even if they don't especially feel like it, going to and starting co-worker social events even if they don't especially feel like it, and regularly meeting up with others who share their interests and passions even if they don't especially feel like it.  And I mean all of the above if they're serious about marriage.

Marriage is on the decline, so realistically they'll have to get multiple social circles going that are likely to result in meeting people that share something in common with them.  Friends, family, and co-workers can't fix you up with a fairly good match if they don't know you very well and if they don't know what kind of person you're interested in dating, or that you're open to consider being set up.  If you want to meet single people, you have to go where single people are. That's what Grandad told my mom and later, me." If you want to meet a good man (or woman,) go where the good men (or women) are.  And go places where you want that good man (or woman)  to be with you after you're married." Taking the passive "lady in waiting" approach is a dead end. 

Also, move your target age if necessary.  Don't decide you have to date someone within a couple of years of your age.  Obviously anyone dating an adult must be 18+ but being willing to date a solid 10 years above or below your own age will help.  My step-brothers each married women 8-10 years older than they were. You just have to match up stage of life.  If you're in the "wanting to marry and start a family" stage then be willing to look at people in that stage of a wider age range. I was 19 and my husband was 26.  He was established in his engineering career, owned his own home, and was ready to marry and start a family.  I planned to be a stay at home mom and probably homeschool. Good thing it worked out with that timing.  It took us 12 years and quite a lot of time and struggle to get our 3 kids.  If I'd started later #3 wouldn't likely have been a reality for us.

 

I love this so much. I have told my girls the same thing about the lady in waiting idea. They want to get married yet say "if the Lord wants me married he will bring a guy to me" haha, no, go meet people. 

[regentrude]

Most young people I know meet their significant others either at college or at work or during some kind of activity. It's more the older folks who online date. It has not been my observation that young people are not interested in long term relationships or marriage; it is perfectly possible to avoid hookup culture.
So what situations in the world are your young adults engaging in besides church? 

My kids met their partners at sports and at college, respectively, and in both cases, they were friends first for several years before beginning to date.

Edited July 29, 2020 by regentrude

[HS Mom in NC]

I met my husband at church (I switched to a very large church with a large singles ministry) and my parents, who were friends long ago with his parents, set us up.

My kids aren't believers, but my oldest met her husband through mutual friends and my middle daughter met her husband on the archery team as young teens. Both of them were friends with their husbands before they dated.

[KungFuPanda]

I don’t know. If you, or they, want to limit the dating pool to people of your faith it seems that dating apps might be the way to go. 

[Beth S]

Pre-covid, the young adults in our church would go to regional conferences & retreats.
Another option is to go visit a like-minded family in another region & go to church or activities with them.

However, our sons are skeptical of this process, and want to do the "get to know you" phase in person . . . not across the miles.

[ktgrok]

I met my DH via a dating website (before apps were a thing, lol). 

You have to weed through the creepy ones, for sure. I went on some BAD dates. Really bad. Like, spent the whole date arguing with me just to argue, then yelled at me when I wouldn't go back to his place with him. On a first date. And then there was the guy that cried when I said it wasn't going to work out, after two dates. Y'all, he CRIED. 

But when I saw DH's picture, I had this....moment. I looked at it, and said to myself, "now there's someone I could grow old with." And then shook my head, because what a crazy thing to think! But we started chatting, and after a bit I sent a message to a friend saying, "I'm either going to marry this guy or he's going to break my heart". We'd been talking for an hour. And have now been married 10 years 🙂

I did have to broaden my parameters...he is 3 yrs younger than me, and one year younger than I was looking for. But he was more mature than the others 🙂

[KathyBC]

At the last high school reunion I attended there were several marriages, a couple of them Christian couples, from hmmm, I want to say eHarmony? If I have that right, the questionnaire is super extensive and thorough.

[MercyA]

Two friends of mine met on a Christian dating site. Lovely couple, beautifully matched, very happy. They had both been single a long time. Thank God (literally) for that site. Such a blessing.

[HS Mom in NC]

On 7/29/2020 at 5:26 PM, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

I love this so much. I have told my girls the same thing about the lady in waiting idea. They want to get married yet say "if the Lord wants me married he will bring a guy to me" haha, no, go meet people. 

I address that thinking when someone says it to me.  "So by that logic do you think, if the Lord wants me to worship corporately he will bring a congregation to me. If the Lord wants me to serve others he will bring needy people to me.  If the Lord wants me to study the Bible he will bring a Bible to me. If the Lord wants me to work he will bring a job to me. If the Lord wants me to take communion he will bring wine/grape juice and bread/a wafer to me?"

Edited July 31, 2020 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[Jaybee]

My nephew and his wife met in an online sports chatroom. They've been married 18 years or so, are a strong family-oriented couple with a shared faith, and three beautiful sports-crazy kids. 😄   (They also happen to be a very handsome, very beautiful pair!) Her mother was so nervous when they actually decided to meet in person, but obviously, it all worked out. They did live in reasonable proximity to each other, so actual dating wasn't too complicated once it started happening.

[HS Mom in NC]

Here's something I just came across. I recommend hearing him out through to the end even if people disagree on some of it because he addresses separately the different aspects of what attracts women in general to men in general.  Usually people talk about the attractiveness of a dating partner in vague terms, which over simplifies it and makes it harder to address individual aspects of attractiveness.  This video helps in separating them out. 

As I understand it, this guy has a evangelical background in case someone thinks that's relevant and is wondering.

Warning: This is not a fuzzy, storybook Rom-Com view of romantic relationships and attraction.  It's realistic and analytical.

I think there's a lot to what he says, even if I disagree with the factors in play for gorgeous women in general. I think the subcategory of unstable gorgeous women are what he's addressing and what many people mistakenly associate with gorgeous women. As to the general category of women who are stunningly gorgeous, extreme beauty allows a woman the opportunity to ignore developing other aspects of herself and as a direct result creates a distorted reality for her that can confuse her about how the world and people work.  

[Carrie12345]

Not religious-based, but dh and I got married 8 months after meeting on a dating website 20 years ago, lol. I was not looking for marriage.

My teens who date (not with a specific goal of marriage, but not in a hook up culture) have always dated people with shared interests, who they’ve met doing their shared interests.  There’s only been one real creep in the bunch, and that was one that seemed like a terrific match on paper. Not so much in practice. He’s gonna rope some unsuspecting sweet person into a tragic marriage someday.

[ScoutTN]

On 7/29/2020 at 2:36 PM, Patty Joanna said:

In our parish, it is young men...

One of my friend's sons met his wife at another church's (same denomination) singles ministry. He loves his smaller church, but wanted more company snd social life with people who share his faith and worldview. Outdoor,  didtanced, small (under 25 people) church YA events are happening in my area. 

Another friend's son recommends getting a puppy and walking where likely young women might be. Grad school campus for him. "Sam (the pup) is a girl- magnet!" 

Edited August 2, 2020 by ScoutTN

[EmilyGF]

On 7/29/2020 at 2:14 PM, Ann.without.an.e said:

It seems that at 42 I am now old and behind. Most people now meet via dating apps? The problem with this is that I have three great young adults in my life who would love to date but aren't willing to go the app route.  Are there alternatives? Our church doesn't have a ton of young adults. These kids want to date to marry and that is becoming more and more difficult in our hook up culture. And it seems most apps tend to be hook up apps. 

Help me guide them please 🙂 Any ideas? Tips? for good kids who are looking for real relationships.

I'd say most young women at our church met their future husband via a dating app.

One woman refused. She said she wanted someone with a known history. She let all her friends know that was how she wanted to meet someone. She kept living life. She established a professional career. She started a jewelry business on the side. She owned an apartment. She traveled around with world with other friends. (In other words, she let it be known that she was looking for the right guy, but she didn't put life on hold in order to find him.) And eventually someone set her up with a friend and now they are married and have a kiddo. She married older. Her employer has kept her on and accommodated her because she was a valuable part of the company. They own a nice home and an apartment building. Her life looks different than mine!

Emily

[vonfirmath]

On 7/29/2020 at 3:41 PM, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

It is tough to watch them want that and not have it, right?  I have a very mature 18 year old dd who is similar to that, loves to be home, doesn't like social media (she has it for her business though), she is an old soul.  She was explaining to me the other day how she wants to date someone a bit older than her because she just wants to settle down into boring life with someone. She would rather build a life with someone at a young age than have to head in one direction and then try to mesh that with someone down the road. To be fair, I was 19 and my husband was 27 when we got married and I had the same sort of desires. I didn't need to "sow oats" or whatever they call it haha. By the time I was 24 I had three kids. I wouldn't change a thing. So while our culture would call her crazy, I totally get it. 

THis is what I wanted too.

Unfortunately, turns out my husband is 5 years younger than me and I had to live life while I waited for him to grow up and be ready to marry so God could bring him into my life when I was 28 and he was 23. I am glad I didn't spend my time waiting and pining for a husband though I wish I had spent some of that extra money I had then on sponsoring kids overseas and going to visit them!

 

(I did regularly attend church, and even spent some time going to a young adults class at a DIFFERENT church because they had higher attendance.  I was on eharmony for a time and tried to get out and involved in activities I enjoyed -- and indeed I did end up finding my husband in one of those activities (though not one I was actively looking for prospects while attending! God definitely has a sense of humor)  My husband wasn't on eharmony so that is why I didn't find him there and he didn't attend the other church I had chosen to attend... though I did switch to his church after we started seriously dating.

Edited August 3, 2020 by vonfirmath

[J-rap]

On 7/29/2020 at 3:27 PM, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

I have girls. We just need a WTM matchmaking service 😉 I am kidding but it would be a hoot right?

I was about to suggest the same thing.  🙂  I do think it's harder for young people to meet someone these days.  The world is different.  And if the young person is out of college, then that makes it harder still.  I think apps can be a good tool if used wisely.  I haven't been able to persuade my young adult child to give it a try yet either though!

[Ann.without.an.e]

Updated first post

[fairfarmhand]

Guess what? 

My dad, (then in his late 50s), who is an extremely conservative Baptist minister, my my stepmom, one of the most Godly ladies I've ever known, on a dating site. They both had used the site and met very nice people they would have considered marrying. So it is possible. I think it just takes some time to figure out how to navigate the apps and narrow down the search to people who share your values. 

But they are out there! 

There's a podcaster that I talk to who is in her early 40s and is still single, never married, conservative Christian and just seems like such a delightful person. She did a podcast recently on singleness and it touched on dating. 

It's a great listen, even for married people who are friends with singles.

https://anchor.fm/that-sounds-fun/episodes/TSF-QA-Singleness-e15rddb

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

Guess what? 

My dad, (then in his late 50s), who is an extremely conservative Baptist minister, my my stepmom, one of the most Godly ladies I've ever known, on a dating site. They both had used the site and met very nice people they would have considered marrying. So it is possible. I think it just takes some time to figure out how to navigate the apps and narrow down the search to people who share your values. 

But they are out there! 

There's a podcaster that I talk to who is in her early 40s and is still single, never married, conservative Christian and just seems like such a delightful person. She did a podcast recently on singleness and it touched on dating. 

It's a great listen, even for married people who are friends with singles.

https://anchor.fm/that-sounds-fun/episodes/TSF-QA-Singleness-e15rddb

That's awesome.

It was a great experience for my dd's. They both were careful, weeded through a lot of people, had a lot of conversations with guys that they chose not to meet up with, but also had a lot of first dates and had fun, met new people, and learned what they truly were looking for and valued in someone else. They both had this "idea" of what they wanted but that changed a lot as they went on dates. They saw in different people things they admired and things they knew were deal breakers for them personally. It was really good for them, done carefully. They are both strong in their faith and were looking for someone like minded and that weeded out a ton of guys right off the top. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm so glad they found something that worked well for them!

[Ann.without.an.e]

3 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

I'm so glad they found something that worked well for them!

I'm not going to lie, I used some of your logic in this post to get them to just try dating apps. Not pressuring them at all, just reasoning with them to try it. To pursue meeting people with intention if that's what they wanted and desired. 

Edited December 3, 2021 by Ann.without.an.e

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

That's awesome.

It was a great experience for my dd's. They both were careful, weeded through a lot of people, had a lot of conversations with guys that they chose not to meet up with, but also had a lot of first dates and had fun, met new people, and learned what they truly were looking for and valued in someone else. They both had this "idea" of what they wanted but that changed a lot as they went on dates. They saw in different people things they admired and things they knew were deal breakers for them personally. It was really good for them, done carefully. They are both strong in their faith and were looking for someone like minded and that weeded out a ton of guys right off the top. 

Yeah, everyone who has used sites like these have reported similar experiences. It does take time. And dating takes time. And meeting people can be fun. I'm so glad it worked well for them.

[1234]

Oldest met his now fiancé through a different person he met on a dating app. 🤪 I find it funny but it’s really worked out and he’s happy (and they’re all still friends).

Edited December 3, 2021 by Joker2

[Amethyst]

Thanks for the update! Sounds like good things are happening for them all!

My oldest son who just got engaged 5 days ago, met his fiancee on an app. I remember having a discussion with him a few months before he met her, asking him about his dating life, and it sounds like he went on many many first dates, fewer second dates, and rare third dates. He was never much of a dater, but I think after so many years of school and medical training he was finally ready (and had the time for) a real relationship. I think apps a great way to meet/weed out people. 

Edited December 3, 2021 by Amethyst

[BlsdMama]

Apparently working at CFA. 😂 

My first daughter met her hubby there and I know of multiple couples. #2 DD meet her at our homeschool group which is, admittedly huge. They did mock trial together. 

[GracieJane]

On 7/29/2020 at 1:41 PM, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

It is tough to watch them want that and not have it, right?  I have a very mature 18 year old dd who is similar to that, loves to be home, doesn't like social media (she has it for her business though), she is an old soul.  She was explaining to me the other day how she wants to date someone a bit older than her because she just wants to settle down into boring life with someone. She would rather build a life with someone at a young age than have to head in one direction and then try to mesh that with someone down the road. To be fair, I was 19 and my husband was 27 when we got married and I had the same sort of desires. I didn't need to "sow oats" or whatever they call it haha. By the time I was 24 I had three kids. I wouldn't change a thing. So while our culture would call her crazy, I totally get it. 

My DH is almost a decade older and I met him at 18! We didn’t date until a few years later but I was “young” for our culture. I mention this only because I have always been an old soul too, so I think your daughter is right! It’s sad to me when intelligent, mature young women feel they must wait an arbitrary number of years to marry after college. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

21 hours ago, GracieJane said:

My DH is almost a decade older and I met him at 18! We didn’t date until a few years later but I was “young” for our culture. I mention this only because I have always been an old soul too, so I think your daughter is right! It’s sad to me when intelligent, mature young women feel they must wait an arbitrary number of years to marry after college. 

Yes 🙂  Her soon to be fiance is 3.5 years older than her so not as much as DH and me or you and your DH. But he started in a good career young and already owns a home, has moved up within his field, etc. So even though he isn't 23 yet, he is as established as most guys a good bit older than him 🙂