Dealing with tween drama

[lovinmyboys]

This should be parenting 101, but I am just not good at it. My 3 oldest boys are 14, 12, and 10. I feel like maybe they are all hitting puberty at the same time? Recently they have had lots of emotional drama and instead of staying off that roller coaster, I just jump right on with them. How do you help them navigate it without becoming so emotionally involved yourself?

[HSmomof2]

16 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

All I have to offer is....be glad it’s not three girls. 
 

(Ok toss some tomatoes at me for being sexist but y’all know I’m right)

 No tomatoes at all, but I found ds’s drama to be much harder than dd’s. Though I come from a family of all girls....even all my cousins are girls. I know how to handle the girl drama, the boy drama surprised me. 😂

[cjzimmer1]

6 minutes ago, HSmomof2 said:

 No tomatoes at all, but I found ds’s drama to be much harder than dd’s. Though I come from a family of all girls....even all my cousins are girls. I know how to handle the girl drama, the boy drama surprised me. 😂

My oldest DS is far more emotional than any of my girls.  I would say the girls were quite easy compared to him.  (but his brother was also very easy too so really it was just that particular child that was so hard).

[katilac]

38 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

All I have to offer is....be glad it’s not three girls. 
 

(Ok toss some tomatoes at me for being sexist but y’all know I’m right)

Nope, I know you're completely wrong 😄

I did tween and teen stuff for years and years when we homeschooled, and the boys were way worse than the girls for drama - the fighting! the crying! the slamming of doors! the vows to never speak to each other again! 

I try to not generalize too much, because everyone has their own personality, but I for sure wouldn't agree that girls bring more of the drama than boys. There's enough drama in the tween/teen years to go around. 

[katilac]

1 hour ago, lovinmyboys said:

This should be parenting 101, but I am just not good at it. My 3 oldest boys are 14, 12, and 10. I feel like maybe they are all hitting puberty at the same time? Recently they have had lots of emotional drama and instead of staying off that roller coaster, I just jump right on with them. How do you help them navigate it without becoming so emotionally involved yourself?

If activities and socializing are being restricted for them right now, that is surely not helping matters. When my kids started getting on each other's last nerve, I took that as a sign that they needed more time apart, but that's harder to do when, well, there's not much to do! 

I would try to build in some apart time, maybe by having them work on chores in different areas of the house. They can't be in sight of each other or they will tell the other person they are doing the chore wrong, lol. Add some extra chores and projects, too: nothing makes them value free time with each other like extra chores. 

When they get on that roller coaster, send them each to a different room. Not in a punitive way, simply 'people are getting upset and we need to take a break, everyone go to their rooms and I don't want to see you until supper time.' 

When things are calm, have some discussions about what is and isn't okay in your family. What should be ignored and what needs to be handled. What sets them off? If they are constantly at each other, the rules might have to change for a while. Maybe 'no commenting on what your sibling is doing if you're not involved.' Like if the other two are playing a game, the third one isn't allowed to say they hate that game, they simply need to not comment bc they are not playing. If one of them is doing a chore, the other two are not allowed to say he should do it a different way. I don't care if you're right, no comments, please. If it's someone's turn to pick the movie or dessert, no negative comments. 

Make sure they each have a place to go to for alone time. If they share a room, this might involve asking you if they can read in your room for an hour or two, or in any available room that isn't currently occupied. If you have a dog, they can walk it one at a time to be out of the house and alone. Space is really important! 

Hard exercise for sure. 

It can sometimes pay off to dramatically order all of them quit playing and go do a chore together, say washing the car. This will often unite them for a while. I mean, yes, they're united by complaining about you, but you won't hear them and you'll wind up with a clean car 🚗

[lovinmyboys]

To clarify, most of the drama is not with each other. But they are all very dramatic right now. 
 

For instance, ds10 forgot his cleats for baseball tonight. Dh brought him and I was going later so I brought them to him. He cried and cried about how irresponsible he was?? That is definitely new behavior. Another ds really seems to think everyone is out to get him. And another one seems to be reading into things people say or do and getting offended really easily. 
 

Instead of being calm and realizing none of those things are a big deal, I get way too emotional about it. I start thinking maybe people really are out to get ds or maybe person x really was being rude to other ds. Or I go over the top assuring ds10 that everything is fine. I think I need to do more giving a hug and smile and moving on myself. I need to be the adult that knows these years are hard, but it usually all works out ok in the end. 
 

 

[katilac]

17 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

To clarify, most of the drama is not with each other. But they are all very dramatic right now. 
 

For instance, ds10 forgot his cleats for baseball tonight. Dh brought him and I was going later so I brought them to him. He cried and cried about how irresponsible he was?? That is definitely new behavior. Another ds really seems to think everyone is out to get him. And another one seems to be reading into things people say or do and getting offended really easily. 
 

Instead of being calm and realizing none of those things are a big deal, I get way too emotional about it. I start thinking maybe people really are out to get ds or maybe person x really was being rude to other ds. Or I go over the top assuring ds10 that everything is fine. I think I need to do more giving a hug and smile and moving on myself. I need to be the adult that knows these years are hard, but it usually all works out ok in the end. 
 

 

Well, then ignore my prior post and be really glad, lol. 

Yeah, you need to be their even keel as much as possible. Son crying that he's irresponsible bc he forgot his cleats? "We all do irresponsible things now and then. Instead of beating yourself up, let's think of ways to help you keep track of what you need to bring." Son is offended at what someone said? "I can see how you might take it that way, but we should always try to assume the best intentions unless we're proven wrong. Maybe X just worded it wrong and didn't even realize how it came out, or maybe he had a really bad day and really was impatient. We all word things wrong or get impatient sometimes, so I'd let this one thing go." Son thinks everyone is out to get him? "You're not that important, son" 😄

Yes, absolutely - hug, smile, move on. I wasn't completely without sympathy, for sure. I'd say things like life is just hard sometimes or it's not easy being 12, is it? but I did try to teach them to assume good intentions, and to realize that other people aren't thinking about them nearly as much as they might imagine. With the "irresponsible" one, those don't come into play, so I'd just keep up the mantra, "Everyone messes up sometimes. It's part of growing up. You just need to keep trying and keep learning." 

[lovinmyboys]

So, ds14 was being really dramatic about something this afternoon, which prompted this post. I just went and picked him up from his umpiring job, and he is in a great mood. This is what happens. I let his drama get me all worked up. I think about it instead of just enjoying my evening. But, it turns out, he is totally fine. I really need to master the “that sounds hard” and then move on. 
 

I think all 3 of them started being emotional just in the last few months. It took me by surprise because they are boys and also they have been pretty even keeled until now. I think I would be ok with one of them at a time. But 3 at once is a lot. Seriously, 2 of them had actual real tears today within minutes of each other about two different things. 

[Lori D.]

Yikes. 3 at once is super hard. I was lucky and the first 6 years of having DSs (babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers) was where all the intense emotions and difficulties were -- the tween and teen years were super smooth and easy here. So we just got it out of the way on the front end. 😉 

SWB's advice is: sandwich. shower. nap. rinse/repeat.

I'd also add:
- separate them as often as you can
- LOTS of DAILY hard physical work/aerobic exercise (like 30-45 minutes of elevated heart rate at a time, and using the big muscle groups)
- and black-out curtains coupled with no screens for 2 hours before bed to make sure they're getting enough deep sleep for true rest.

Edited July 23, 2020 by Lori D.

[gardenmom5]

my boys are adults, 12+ years older than dudeling who is now a teen.  When dudeling was a tween, there was a lot of drama with his brothers, who were living at home while attending college (who might or might not tolerate his drama.).  As they would come down on him,  I had both my adult sons lecture me that "this is how males relate.  chill-out."

 

and i remember some of the drama when the boys were that age - and they were NOT going through puberty at the same time!

[Jaybee]

16 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

So, ds14 was being really dramatic about something this afternoon, which prompted this post. I just went and picked him up from his umpiring job, and he is in a great mood. This is what happens. I let his drama get me all worked up. I think about it instead of just enjoying my evening. But, it turns out, he is totally fine. I really need to master the “that sounds hard” and then move on. 
 

This almost made me laugh--not unsympathetically, but because one of my dd's always did this to me. She would spill out all her struggles on me, and I would go around heavy and burdened; but she was fine then, because she had gotten it all off her chest! After awhile, I learned, and tried to listen but not get sucked in. Hugs, mama!

[Tanaqui]

20 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

This should be parenting 101, but I am just not good at it. My 3 oldest boys are 14, 12, and 10. I feel like maybe they are all hitting puberty at the same time? Recently they have had lots of emotional drama and instead of staying off that roller coaster, I just jump right on with them. How do you help them navigate it without becoming so emotionally involved yourself?

 

For a while there, you had three kids under the age of 6, right? And you survived that! It's not as dissimilar as you think. Sure, they're bigger, and they know more, and they can talk a lot better... but very often, their immediate problems can be solved with some combination of exercise, a snack, a hug, and/or a nap. And very often, they don't believe any of this.

(Don't tell them that you're making that comparison.)