nm; thanks and love

[MercyA]

Thanks all, love you lots. ❤️

Edited July 9, 2020 by MercyA

[Annie G]

I’m not eloquent...so please take this exactly as written. Hugs. You have friends here.  We’re here for you. 

[MercyA]

Just now, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

Oh Mercy. (((Hugs))). I hope this is not offensive to ask, but is there any chance these thoughts are related to OCD and causing you to see something that isn't what you think? 

No, absolutely not. But thank you, and no offense taken.

[MercyA]

1 minute ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

Also, have you told your dh? 

He knows what I am and knows some of what I am struggling with re: my faith.

Edited July 9, 2020 by MercyA

[Selkie]

(((Mercy))) FWIW, you do not seem like a sociopath to me at at all. Not saying that I doubt you, but you have always come across as very caring, compassionate, and empathetic. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Statistically speaking, it is a rare sociopath who recognizes that they are the problem. Even if this horrible thing about you is true (and I don’t think it is), then recognizing you have destructive thoughts and behaviors is actually an encouraging sign.

Regardless of whatever label you may be applying to yourself, I urge you to seek a qualified professional who can help you deal with your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 
 

Hugs to you!

[Shoeless]

We are here for you. ❤️ 

Also, if the thing you feared was true, you would not be fearing it.  People of that perspective do not feel as you do.  They would not care one little bit.  The fact that you *do* care and are upset about it means it cannot be true. 

I do believe you feel as if it is true, though. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Just now, MissLemon said:

We are here for you. ❤️ 

Also, if the thing you feared was true, you would not be fearing it.  People of that perspective do not feel as you do.  They would not care one little bit.  The fact that you *do* care and are upset about it means it cannot be true. 

I do believe you feel as if it is true, though. 

This. She says it better than I did.

[MercyA]

Just now, Selkie said:

(((Mercy))) FWIW, you do not seem like a sociopath to me at at all. Not saying that I doubt you, but you have always come across as very caring, compassionate, and empathetic. 

I care about injustice, but I only really feel empathy towards animals and bullied people.

Just as a random example--when someone loses a family member, it's not easy for me to understand how they feel until I try really hard to put myself in their place. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Just now, MercyA said:

I care about injustice, but I only really feel empathy towards animals and bullied people.

Just as a random example--when someone loses a family member, it's not easy for me to understand how they feel until I try really hard to put myself in their place. 

This same thing could be said of some with autism or other social thinking differences.
 

 

(Other WTM’ers: Note that I did not say that all autistic people lack the ability to be empathetic.)

[Terabith]

The fact that you worry about this is proof that you are not one.  

[MercyA]

Just now, prairiewindmomma said:

This same thing could be said of some with autism or other social thinking differences.
(Other WTM’ers: Note that I did not say that all autistic people lack the ability to be empathetic.)

Yes, I am autistic. But it is more than that.

[mommyoffive]

We are here for you.   Talk. Share. Vent.   We care about you.  I am so sorry you are hurting.  Hugs hugs.

 

[happi duck]

Many (hugs) friend

We're here for you

[NorthwestMom]

I hope you have a professional who you are talking to as well.  No person should  diagnose herself with something so impactful, that is causing them to suffer so deeply.  I strongly encourage you to seek professional support since you are so deeply pained.  Hugs to you!  You are important and you matter. Even if you are correct that you are a sociopath, there are always skills you can learn to function better and be happier. 

[happi duck]

Please do not underestimate how draining the current combo of pandemic and politics and society is.  It is like something running in the background draining all our energy.

This is an unprecedented time of stress.  Please don't put it all on yourself.

More (hugs)

[Arctic Bunny]

((Hugs)) I hope you have a professional to talk to, too. Your OP seems to demonstrate the opposite of about 4 of the top 7 characteristics. So I hope you have a professional you will trust when they tell you this is not true.

[lmrich]

Hugs to you! Be gentle and kind to yourself. 

[MercyA]

1 minute ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

Sorry to circle back to this, but I remember at some point not terribly long ago, you were thinking of stopping your meds. I don't know what your final decision was there, or if you did it and don't expect an answer, but if you did I think that would add in a giant red flag that this is something related to anxiety, or OCD or something chemically related in your brain. And even if you are still on your meds, those things could still all be relevant factors and meds adjusted. I know you say this is something you and your dh know, but if you are having thoughts like this from a brain wiring place, it's not like you can exactly logic your way out of them, so to speak. So I do hope you will let your doctor know these thoughts you are having and how overwhelming they are. Again, hugs. 

Went back to full dosage some time ago and am not struggling much with OCD at this time. But, again, I appreciate it. 

[math teacher]

Adding my hugs (((Mercy)))

[MercyA]

You guys are so kind. Thank you, truly. 

[happi duck]

I started a cute animal thread.  I hope it makes you smile

More (hugs)

[ktgrok]

25 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

Oh Mercy. (((Hugs))). I hope this is not offensive to ask, but is there any chance these thoughts are related to OCD and causing you to see something that isn't what you think? 

Definitely sounds like it could be a version of scrupulosity. Have you read up on scrupulosity?

19 minutes ago, MercyA said:

I care about injustice, but I only really feel empathy towards animals and bullied people.

Just as a random example--when someone loses a family member, it's not easy for me to understand how they feel until I try really hard to put myself in their place. 

Sociopaths don't feel empathy for bullied people, from what I know. (not sure on animals). But that does sound very much like autism. It's a theory of the mind deficit, not a moral failing. Like, I have a really hard time with spatial awareness. I can't figure out how to fit things in the fridge. I cannot eyeball measurements. Right now,that is a BAD thing because it is SUPER hard for me to stay 6 ft away from people, as distance is almost irrelevant to me. But that doesn't make me a bad person, it means I have to try hard, and if I am NOT actively trying, I am going to mess up and get too close. Sounds like you have to try really hard to put yourself in someone else's place, and if you don't try hard, you slip up and don't consider their viewpoint. That isn't a moral failing anymore than me accidentally getting too close to someone is a moral failing, it's a wiring of the brain difference. 

And the world NEEDS people who feel empathy to animals and bullied people. That's a great thing. My mom, she worked with the elderly as a career, starting from volunteer work at 16 until she retired. Always in nursing homes. I CAN NOT work with the elderly. I don't like it, I am not patient, I don't connect with that group well. But you know what? I was a great vet tech. I am great with animals. My mom? She said over and over she could never work with animals. so, we are different. One is not better than the other. I figure God knew what he was doing when he made all different kinds of people. Just like all our human cells have different jobs - if we only had heart cells, and no skin cells, that would be very bad...they do different things and are all important. We, as the body of Christ, have different strenghts and weaknesses, different purposes. 

8 minutes ago, happi duck said:

Please do not underestimate how draining the current combo of pandemic and politics and society is.  It is like something running in the background draining all our energy.

This is an unprecedented time of stress.  Please don't put it all on yourself.

More (hugs)

Yes! If it takes a lot of mental energyfor you to empathize, realize that right now all our energy stores are drained, so what was just sort of hard may now feel impossible, but that's not permanent. 

 

[MercyA]

6 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Definitely sounds like it could be a version of scrupulosity. Have you read up on scrupulosity?

Yes, when I was quite a bit younger and before I was medicated I did have religious scrupulosity. I worried endlessly about losing my salvation and committing the unforgivable sin and things like that. This is not that, but thank you.

[MercyA]

I am reading and appreciating every post. ❤️

[removed]

Edited July 9, 2020 by MercyA

[PeterPan]

Just my two cents, but any time the world is collapsing after 8pm, you need to set it aside and see if it seems that way in the morning. I've had to google some hard terms in our family, so I'm not saying one way or another. Just saying in the morning you might feel differently. Maybe sleep on it and see.

Edited July 9, 2020 by PeterPan

[PrincessMommy]

I don't have anything to add to the wisdom you are receiving here.  But hugs.  We care about you.... and, as a Christian, I care about your Christian walk.  I hope you can find someone to talk with in person too.  

[mommyoffive]

1 minute ago, Arctic Mama said:

Hugs. Praying for you, genuinely.  I’m struggling too for totally different reasons, but please know you’re not alone. And even if none of us exactly understand, your father in heaven does.

Yep, you are not alone.   I am struggling too.  

Sending more love your way.

[Teaching3bears]

Mercy, you have posted many kind and caring words to me through the years. When I see your name the word "kindness" comes to mind. Sociopaths rarely have empathy for bullied people. They are usually doing the bullying themselves.

((Hugs)). We all have moments when we doubt ourselves. I hope yours passes quickly.

[happi duck]

Here's another (hug)

[MercyA]

I cannot thank you all enough. You are family.

[Junie]

(((Mercy)))

Hugs and prayers from me, too.  Praying that you will feel peace and love.

[ktgrok]

Ok, wait. So you are doing things that you know are wrong? In the moment? Not to add another diagnosis to your list, lol, but ADHD can manifest as impulsive behaviors in a way that can be missed. So rather than the stereotypical kid jumping on the couch, think more like losing one's temper, lashing out, etc. Basically, acting before that little voice that is our conscience (or just voice of reason) can tell us not to. Then after the fact we realize oh..yikes. That was a bad thing to do. 

13 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Just my two cents, but any time the world is collapsing after 8pm, you need to set it aside and see if it seems that way in the morning. I've had to google some hard terms in our family, so I'm not saying one way or another. Just saying in the morning you might feel differently. Maybe sleep on it and see.

Oh my goodness ! Yes - I always say, "never make decisions after dark". It's the internal equivalent to nothing good happens after midnight, lol. Seriously though, never make decisions after dark. 

Edited July 9, 2020 by Ktgrok

[MercyA]

.

Edited July 9, 2020 by MercyA

[QueenCat]

(((Mercy)))

[ktgrok]

Ok, reading the description of traits, and all except one could also be said of people with ADHD. 

On the other hand, some of the things described could be just poor communication and relationship patterns learned in childhood. 

Edited July 9, 2020 by Ktgrok

[ktgrok]

Done! Sorry!

[ktgrok]

5 minutes ago, Eliana said:

 

If the fear and grief and shame is around 'what if this is true', then I think saying that those of whom it is true are too awful for it to be true of her, and it must be something else, send the message that it really would be shameful and horrible if it is true - which isn't what any of us think, I know!  We've seen enough true thing about Mercy to know she's a good, special person, whatever diagnosis she might someday get.

 

Very true! 

Mercy, you are a good, fun, engaging _________, whatever may fill in that blank. Remember, labels are supposed to serve us, to help us understand ourselves and to navigate the world around us. Not to determine our worth. They are a description, not a value judgement. 

[Acadie]

1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

There’s something I think you should know. 

Your participation in this forum has had a measurable effect on me. 

I can drift towards snippy in an instant. And yet you, in particular, whenever I read your posts, cause me to think, wow, I wish I were genuinely as kind hearted as Mercy. Not kidding. More than once I’ve typed a reply, then thought to myself, Mercy wouldn’t say it like that, and reworded or deleted a message. 

Your tender heart shows through time and time again. So my vote is not sociopath. I do believe that you are hurting right now, and I encourage you to engage with someone IRL who can help you walk through what you’re experiencing and feeling. 

Praying for you, dear one. 

 

Mercy, you are one of the posters whose kindness, thoughtfulness and compassion often stands out to me on the forums. I didn't see your original post, but my first thoughts echo what Seasider says here--you have made a positive impact on my life, many times. And I'm also inclined to agree that whatever pain you've described is real, and that now is the time for in-person support from a good therapist (if the first one is not a good fit, keep looking) and a friend or relative who sees your inherent goodness. We all have different moods and different selves, and I appreciate who you are in this world.

[Alte Veste Academy]

1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

There’s something I think you should know. 

Your participation in this forum has had a measurable effect on me. 

I can drift towards snippy in an instant. And yet you, in particular, whenever I read your posts, cause me to think, wow, I wish I were genuinely as kind hearted as Mercy. Not kidding. More than once I’ve typed a reply, then thought to myself, Mercy wouldn’t say it like that, and reworded or deleted a message. 

Your tender heart shows through time and time again. So my vote is not sociopath. I do believe that you are hurting right now, and I encourage you to engage with someone IRL who can help you walk through what you’re experiencing and feeling. 

Praying for you, dear one. 

 

14 minutes ago, Acadie said:

 

Mercy, you are one of the posters whose kindness, thoughtfulness and compassion often stands out to me on the forums. I didn't see your original post, but my first thoughts echo what Seasider says here--you have made a positive impact on my life, many times. And I'm also inclined to agree that whatever pain you've described is real, and that now is the time for in-person support from a good therapist (if the first one is not a good fit, keep looking) and a friend or relative who sees your inherent goodness. We all have different moods and different selves, and I appreciate who you are in this world.

I agree with all of this. 

((((((MercyA)))))

[Ausmumof3]

I missed the initial post but wanted to send a hug your way and hope things get better for you.  You seem like an incredibly caring person to me.

Edited July 9, 2020 by Ausmumof3

[Pawz4me]

I missed the original post, too, but I definitely want to offer cyber hugs and support. I'm so sorry you're struggling, Mercy. I consider you one of the very special people here. ❤️

[Momto6inIN]

@MercyA 

You deleted your original post before I was able to read it, but I got the gist of it from reading the comments. I just want to tell you that I understand your concerns because I've had similar ones myself (not the same, but similar, and especially at night, like one poster mentioned). I'm so glad you brought them to light by sharing them because Satan loves the dark and hates when we expose his lies to the light of the Truth. And the Truth is that:

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

You are beloved by God.

And even if you are what you fear (which I simply cannot imagine is true no matter how many mental contortions I twist my thoughts into), He still sent His Son to die for your sins and His blood is sufficient to cover them no matter what they are.

Love and prayers ❤

[MercyA]

 @WendyAndMilo

[ktgrok]

12 hours ago, WendyAndMilo said:

If Mercy is anything like me, value and worth are irrelevant.

Had to think on that, but that would be true of my son with ASD as well, come to realize. 

[Jaybee]

I didn't see the original post, but something someone posted above made me think of this. Just disregard if it doesn't apply. In times like these, when there is constant stress and things are culturally turbulent, it is easy to get things like compassion fatigue, or grief fatigue. It doesn't mean those qualities are no longer a part of us, but they can get at least temporarily exhausted, and it is hard to feel anymore. So then we start to wonder what is wrong with us, that we don't grieve something, or don't feel sad over something that we know objectively should be grieved. Those fatigues sometimes warp our perspectives, and we need real soul rest before we can recover. So if this applies, I pray that God will give you rest and peace in your soul, so that you can find the needed balance again for your life.❤️

[J-rap]

I'm sorry I missed the original post so I don't know the details...  

Please ignore this if it's not helpful or sounds dumb:  What I've learned over the years is that nearly all of those different types of brain conditions are like sliding scales, and every one of us could place ourselves somewhere on probably a variety of them all at once!  I think that people who would be considered very gifted are often on even more of them, and maybe a little farther along the scale on a few -- often in a way that is a strength rather than a weakness, although it might make that person feel more different than others.   Most people don't even think about it and life just plays out...   When certain traits start to affect valued relationships then it's a good time to address what particular brain trait is behind it.   But I wouldn't rush to slap a label on you!  Usually it's not any label, it's just one part of all the beautiful, complex, sometimes difficult pieces that make up your brain.

(Said by someone who has spent the past several years researching brains/brain conditions/faith...trying to gain a better understanding, myself.)

I'll be praying for you, Mercy!   

[MercyA]

Hello, friends! Thank you all so much for your kind words and love and support. I said you are family and I meant it. This is the best community I know. The world may be insane and I may be a mess and I know I can come here and hear thoughtful, wise, intelligent, caring voices. Thank you, thank you.

My assessment of myself—of my biological makeup, of the way my brain is wired—has not changed. What HAS changed is my faith, and I can only attribute that to your prayers and the prayers of a few people locally and the long-suffering, mercy, and grace of God. 

I freely admit that when people say, “God spoke to me” I always feel somewhat skeptical. So I feel odd saying that same thing about myself…but I know without a shadow of a doubt that He did and it was clear and concrete and undeniable. The details are personal, but my faith in Jesus Christ in fully restored. I do still have questions about the Old Testament and about the doctrine of hell, but I am okay with that.

I am a little embarrassed about having been so open and vulnerable here—but  it did help me. So thank you again. 

Love you all. 

I will post about our canary on another thread when I can. She is funny and adorable. 🙂 

[freesia]

Mercy, thank you for your update. God is good. I’ll continue to pray for you. 

[mommyoffive]

This is the best community.    we love you too.  I am glad you are feeling better.