In-laws, what to call 'em (TW:suicide mentioned, no detail)

[Jean in Newcastle]

A bit tangential, but a lot of my grown kid's friends call me "Mom".  And my students often called me Mom.  They still had good relationships with their actual mother and no one was confused. 

[Bambam]

I call my MIL by her given name. No way would I call her Mom, because she isn't my mom.

I don't have any son-in-laws yet, but they can call me by my first name. 

[Scarlett]

15 hours ago, katilac said:

I don't think it's weird or rigid to call him by the name she, y'know, knows him as! 

I have several versions of my name/nickname, and I really can't think of a time when anyone switches for context. It's just as reasonable to assume that other people should figure it out by context. When my worlds collide, I am often called by three different names at the same event (not even counting stuff like Auntie Katilac).

Is it really unusual to have two people with the same name? In my family, we often have several people with the same name. We have 3 Johns, for example. All of whom would kill you if you tried to call them Johnny or Jay or anything other than John.    

I have the same issue.  I have at least three different names I am called.  I feel sorry for people who get caught between my various names....for instance if my mom is there they might start calling me what she calls me and then they correct themselves and apologize.  I just don’t care.  I switch easily to answering to any of the three or 4 names.  

[Scarlett]

20 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

A bit tangential, but a lot of my grown kid's friends call me "Mom".  And my students often called me Mom.  They still had good relationships with their actual mother and no one was confused. 

I wonder how many of the actual moms are aware of that and if so are they ok with it.  Several,of us have said we would not complain if our child called someone else mom, but that it would bother us.  

[Momto6inIN]

33 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

A bit tangential, but a lot of my grown kid's friends call me "Mom".  And my students often called me Mom.  They still had good relationships with their actual mother and no one was confused. 

 

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I wonder how many of the actual moms are aware of that and if so are they ok with it.  Several,of us have said we would not complain if our child called someone else mom, but that it would bother us.  

I called my best friend in high school's mom "Mom" and yes, it hurt my mom a lot. She was way cooler tham my mom, and there was no tension between us like there was during my teen years with my own mom. But calling her that actually had very little to do with my relationship with my mom, it was just an easy way to get her attention in her home where Mrs. So and So would have been way too formal and Gloria would have felt weird for me as an awkward teenager.

It bugged me that it bugged my mom so much. I knew who my mother was, and she's the one I go to for advice and love and unconditional acceptance - there was no comparison or competition in my mind. It felt controlling to me as a stubborn independent teenager, like there was some sort of insecure power struggle going on that I was only barely aware of at the time but knew even then I didn't want to be a part of.

I feel the same way about people getting upset about what ILs call them.

[ktgrok]

23 hours ago, Dreamergal said:

In our culture, there is a specific title for Mil and Fil so initially DH and I used to call each other's parents like that. It approximates to our language version of aunt and uncle. In my culture we don't call elders by first name, it is considered disrespectful. We call them our language's version of aunt and uncle 

 

Oh, this reminds me of how my take on this might be partly influenced by another culture as well. I grew up on South Florida, so large spanish speaking population, and same to some extent where I am now. I think hearing "mami" used as a general term for women, not just your own mother, has rubbed off on me. I don't do it myself, but hear it all the time. Like, every time I'm in a major store, etc as people talk to each other.  So it sounds totally normal to me to be called that by pretty much anyone, which may be why it doesn't seem weird to me to call someone who is't my mother, mother. (it is common to hear even small children addressed as mami or papi, actually...I guess sort of like how I sometimes call even my little kids sir or ma'am or miss)

Edited July 7, 2020 by Ktgrok

[Guest]

3 hours ago, katilac said:

How is her calling him by his name trying to "enforce" that with other people? You didn't say that she corrects other people, simply that she calls him John, because she knows him as John. Presumably her dh introduced himself to her that way because that's what he wants her to call him, lol. 

Quite possibly it’s just the lens through which I view her. She’s pretty obnoxious, historically, about having something her way. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

[katilac]

2 hours ago, HeighHo said:

Before the malls shut down for covid, the salespeople were calling me 'mom'.  

That's a new one 🤔

[katilac]

35 minutes ago, Quill said:

Quite possibly it’s just the lens through which I view her. She’s pretty obnoxious, historically, about having something her way. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I thought it sounded a bit BEC 😂

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, katilac said:

I thought it sounded a bit BEC 😂

I’m not familiar with that abbreviation; is it B!tchy Expectant Context? Business Education Compact? Bladder Epithelial Cells? 

😏

[katilac]

43 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m not familiar with that abbreviation; is it B!tchy Expectant Context? Business Education Compact? Bladder Epithelial Cells? 

😏

Your first guess isn't that far off 😄

It's b* eating crackers, like when you dislike someone so much that everything they do drives you crazy. 

"Ugh, look at that b* eating crackers, she's so annoying." 

Edited July 7, 2020 by katilac

[QueenCat]

I would be hurt if my children called someone else mom. Just No. I could probably deal with Mom Sue.

[hippiemamato3]

1 hour ago, Margaret in CO said:

I always called my in-laws by their first names. My sils call me by my first name. Ds's fiancee calls me by my first name, but with her relationship with her mother, that's fine. My mil tried to get me and my kids a pootsie name given to her by her "real" grandchildren (her words), so no way THAT was happening Since she refused to actually use MY first name, but always mispronounced it on purpose, I was not interested in referring to her as "Granma Lamb." I have a perfectly good first name, given to me by my brother, thankyouverymuch. Interesting discussion that I just had with dd, about using grandparent names for middle names for kids. She's not a fan of her mil's name. They're going to have enough hassle with the whole Colombian double last name thing as it is!

 If your sils call you by first name, why would it be different for your dil? Just curious since there was a caveat on that being "fine."

[prairiewindmomma]

4 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Oh, this reminds me of how my take on this might be partly influenced by another culture as well. I grew up on South Florida, so large spanish speaking population, and same to some extent where I am now. I think hearing "mami" used as a general term for women, not just your own mother, has rubbed off on me. I don't do it myself, but hear it all the time. Like, every time I'm in a major store, etc as people talk to each other.  So it sounds totally normal to me to be called that by pretty much anyone, which may be why it doesn't seem weird to me to call someone who is't my mother, mother. (it is common to hear even small children addressed as mami or papi, actually...I guess sort of like how I sometimes call even my little kids sir or ma'am or miss)

I got called "mama" or "mami" quite often when I lived in a spanish speaking town also. When I wasn't "mama", I was the Southern generic ma'am or Mrs. _______. 

Here, I totally take it differently when a non-latinx calls me mama or mami in a predominantly non-latinx city. Like, it really irritates me when a dr refers to me as "Mom" when they don't bother to learn my name during a dr visit. So much of it is contextual and I think my sense of social proprieties changes depending on which language I am operating in....all of them have their own rules. 

I hope my childrens' spouses will call me by my first name.  I definitely don't want to be Mom LastName, because that makes me think of my MIL and she behaves wickedly and cruelly. 

 

[maize]

10 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Yes.  That's very unusual.  My dad has 6 siblings, I have 4, there have been several remarries to people who brought bio kids into the marriages, and we have 1 duplicate that is a Jr. who has gone by his middle name from birth instead of the first name he shares with his father.

Lots of multiples in my family; my mother in law has the same name as one of my sisters, there is a niece who shares my name, my husband's brother shares a name with his sister's husband, two of my kids share names with cousins, two pairs of aunts have the same name, one pair of uncles shares the same name, three uncle/nephew pairs share names (not counting the Johns and Jonathan's mentioned below) there are two cousin Emmas and two cousin Annas and five cousins with some version of John or Jonathan, plus an uncle and a grandfather...

That's including both my side and my husband's side of the family so not all of these people know each other but my kids have to somehow try to keep all of them straight!

[Shoeless]

6 hours ago, HeighHo said:

In mil's family, changing the name is used as a way to gain power. 

 

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh, my dad AND inlaws do a variation of this. They "accidentally" misspell my son's name to let me know they are unhappy. The best part? My son's first name is my maiden name.  It is literally my father's last name, yet he "accidentally" misspells it (and my married last name), because he's still mad that I got pregnant at age 35 before DH and I were legally married. My son is 12 now. 🙄 

The in-laws have recently started misspelling my son's name to reinforce the narrative that I am keeping him from them, and the separation is so severe they don't even know how to spell his name anymore 🙄 

    

 

[KungFuPanda]

I can't imagine my future sil calling me Mom.  He's a great kid and I'm comfortable with him, but his actual mother is about ten houses away.  I think the fact that we'd be in the same room a lot makes it weirder somehow. It wouldn't even be confusing because my actual kids have made it to adulthood without ever outgrowing calling me Mommy.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Margaret in CO said:

I HATED that daughter-in-love thing! Because she did NOT love me, but constantly tried to manipulate me. I, too, would select the hot poker option!

Can we have a green puke emoji?   gag me with a spork.

[JennyD]

I call my ILs Mom and Dad.  DH calls my parents Mom and Dad.  My parents called their own respective ILs Mom and Dad.  Same for my ILs (except in a different language). 

AFAIK none of us have ever been confused about who our actual birth parents are.

When my parents and ILs are in the same room we call them Mom/Dad Lastname to keep everyone straight. 

If my sons ever get married I would be delighted if their spouses called me Mom but it does seem to be going out of fashion.  I will invite them to call me either Mom or my first name, whichever they prefer.

Edited July 8, 2020 by JennyD

[retiredHSmom]

On 7/6/2020 at 10:22 PM, theelfqueen said:

Also, I've never lived within 1000 miles of DHs parents so I haven't ever had that kind of relationship with them. 

I also often wonder if the "mom/dad" adopters married younger than the non-adopters... 

 Well, I married at 20 and called my inlaws by their first names.  We didn't live particularly close to either my parents or my inlaws. 

[SereneHome]

Oh this topic...this topic.....

So, here is my story (in a condensed version!)

When my husband and I started dating he casually asked me if I was going to call his parents "mom" and "dad" and when I replied "heck no" and HUGE fight occurred. Evidently, for his father, whom my husband worships it, it was a huge deal breaker. Well, fast-forward to the day my husband proposed and his parents set me down and made the request. I tried to tell them that I never considered something like that but would try to, just asked them to give me time to adjust. A huge HUGE HUUUUGE screaming came from his father and ultimatum followed "if you don't call me Dad, I can't welcome you into the family". After seeking advice from my spiritual advisor, I sent my future in-laws a letter saying that I will do it. HUGE mistake on my part bc I don't do well with ultimatums and couldn't bring myself to calling them "mom" and "dad" at all!

Well, we got married but relationship between my in-laws and I were horrible for many many years. There were other things, but this one was the biggest for my FIL. Years later he said he regretted how he handled it, blah blah blah, and I moved on with life years ago, but boy oh boy, it was just a horrible situation for a long time.

So.....yeah, that's my story. I can't imagine asking my future DIL's to call me anything they don't want to. I am betting my husband will insist on being called "dad".  yeah...

Oh and my parents never cared one way or another what my husband calls them....

[retiredHSmom]

On 7/6/2020 at 10:09 PM, FuzzyCatz said:

 

I personally think this is between in laws and their new family members and comfort levels.  I would never feel like the use of the word mom or any other would take away from my own relationship with my own kids.  And people engaged should be comfortable saying “I’m not comfortable with mom yet, but I’m excited and honored to be part of your family.”   And ideally no one would be insisting.  If they were I’d consider that a red flag.  I personally aspire not to be a source of tension on either side of stuff like this.  
 

 

Thank you all for your thoughts.

Unfortunately, my daughter is aware that I hate the idea of her calling her future MIL, mom. She did ask me directly but she knew before she asked, beginning her conversation with "I am so stressed, everyone expects me to call Mrs. H "mom" when we get married but I don't want to and I know that you will hate it"

I assured her that while I did hate the idea, that I am an adult and will adapt, I know that her use of the name doesn't detract from our relationship or history.

She brought the conversation up with my mom and that lead to the concept of calling her future MIL Mom H or Mother H or something to that effect. Which is a solution that came up several times in your replies.

FTR her future inlaws are very nice people that we both really like and respect. They are not controlling or mean, just more old-fashioned and formal than my family. They live four miles from us and we attend the same church so this will not be a distant relationship where we rarely see each other.  Because of her OCD and her personality my daughter does ruminate on things more that the average person and is very worried about causing offense, she is unlikely to say "thanks for inviting me to call you mom, I will stick with your first name" she will simply stress about it.  She is continuing to work on that with her therapist.

[Tap]

I call my inlaws by first name. My daughter and sil call me Mo. 

I'm super easy going about names, so whatever is fine with me. It is nice that they call me the same thing tho, esp when signing cards.

[Momto6inIN]

11 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh, my dad AND inlaws do a variation of this. They "accidentally" misspell my son's name to let me know they are unhappy. The best part? My son's first name is my maiden name.  It is literally my father's last name, yet he "accidentally" misspells it (and my married last name), because he's still mad that I got pregnant at age 35 before DH and I were legally married. My son is 12 now. 🙄 

The in-laws have recently started misspelling my son's name to reinforce the narrative that I am keeping him from them, and the separation is so severe they don't even know how to spell his name anymore 🙄 

    

 

This is a level of crazy I'm not sure I can even comprehend.

[MEmama]

On 7/6/2020 at 7:18 PM, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

I'm impressed by those of you who can go years without calling someone by their names. How do you do gift tags? What if you are trying to get their attention in a room full of people? Do you just "Hey....ummmm.....YOU with the purple sweater!" or something? I'm trying to plan ahead as I already confuse my kids' names with my animals' names, so if I can plan ahead for in-laws and have a general plan here to not need to remember names,  this would be swell. 

DH writes the name on gift tags to his parents, I do for mine. In 25 years of marriage there has never been a situation where I needed to refer to them by name, so I don’t. It’s pretty simple, depending on the relationship.

[fairfarmhand]

My son in law calls me Ms. Fairfarmhand, the same thing he called me before my dd was dating, after they were dating, and now they are wed it's the same thing. My dd calls her inlaws Mr. Firstname and Ms. Firstname. 

I never called my in-laws Mom and Dad. I called them Ms. First name and Mr. First name until our dd was born, then they were Grandma and Pawpaw. 

Since I lost my mother, it would be very painful to have to call someone else Mom. 

My dad has remarried and I call her my stepmom because she truly is a wonderful person who needs a special role, even though she's not my mom. She's more than just "My dad's wife" to me and my kids and I want to recognize that. My kids call her Grandma Firstname, I call her just by her first name. 

I wonder if this has to do with family perceptions. I've never felt like a "daughter" to my inlaws, because they can be very clannish about such things. "Blood" is more important to them. As for my dad, we've never lived close by him, so building the deeper family relationships hasnt happened.

[SereneHome]

Oh and my SIL has misspelled my name on every.single card she ever gave me / us. Granted, there haven't been that many.

I have mastered the art of not addressing my IL's anything and according to my husband it was very noticeable. Oh well. Like I said, I don't do well with ultimatums.

Also, my husband wanted me to refer to his parents as "mom" and "dad" when talking to him instead of saying "your mom" "your dad". Yeah...that never happened either.

But then again, my MIL told my husband, in front of me, a day after he proposed that "he should never marry me bc I am not going to be a supportive wife to him"......

 

[SereneHome]

17 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

And she still married his son?!!

SereneHome, has your FIL interfered in other areas of your life/marriage?

Not as far as I know lol

 

[gardenmom5]

On 7/6/2020 at 8:20 PM, katilac said:

 

Is it really unusual to have two people with the same name? In my family, we often have several people with the same name. We have 3 Johns, for example. All of whom would kill you if you tried to call them Johnny or Jay or anything other than John.    

I think it can depend upon the family/size of family.

My grandmother's youngest sister and oldest niece have the same name. They were born a week apart. (different states, before telephones were common.)  I recall a lot of my grandmother's phone conversations with siblings using last names to differentiate people.

In dh's family - there are some duplicates/close similarities.  

[gardenmom5]

On 7/6/2020 at 7:22 PM, theelfqueen said:

Also, I've never lived within 1000 miles of DHs parents so I haven't ever had that kind of relationship with them. 

I also often wonder if the "mom/dad" adopters married younger than the non-adopters... 

I married young - I called mil by her first name.

dsil was in his 30's when he married 2dd.  he calls me by my first name because he wants to.  (I told him to call me what he was comfortable with.)

My grandson was over a year old before dh came up with what he wanted to be called.  He couldn't handle being "grandpa".  My, I was happy to finally be a grandma.

 

[Shoeless]

10 hours ago, Momto6inIN said:

This is a level of crazy I'm not sure I can even comprehend.

 

DH and I come from really bonkers families. I could go on for days and days about some of the nutty things they do.  

I was married once before, and did not change my name upon marriage.  My dad could not accept this and would address all correspondence to "Mrs. Ex-Husband's Name".  My step-mother took offense to me not changing my name upon marriage because in her mind, that meant I was making a statement about her choice to change her name.  She harped on my dad about this constantly, so then he'd harp at me about it.  🙄 For 10 years, everything came addressed to Mrs. Ex-Husband's Name, because they believed if they just pressed the issue enough, I'd eventually relent and "Do the right thing".  It culminated in my dad pitching a fit at the airport (pre-9/11) because he asked the airline whether Mrs. Ex-Husband's Name made the flight (my flight was delayed), and they told him no one by that name was on the plane.  My sister was with him and kept saying "Dad, she didn't change her name. You have to ask for her by her maiden name", and he would not do it.  When I finally arrived, he was beyond peeved and yelled at me that it was beyond time to stop my little tantrum and change my name like a decent married woman. 

My in-laws are a whole other group to unpack. 

[Shoeless]

As for what I call MIL, I call her by her first name.  If she has any strong opinions about that, I am unaware. DH doesn't refer to my parents by anything. He doesn't really talk to them much so it doesn't come up. 

MIL did have some feelings about whether DS called her grandma or "Mimi". My step-kids always called her grandma. DS called her grandma. My SIL had a baby after DS was born, and that child called MIL "Mimi". Suddenly, it was a problem that DS called her "grandma" and not "Mimi", and she then started expressing concern about how DS would handle this.

"But won't DS feel confusion hearing Favorite Grandchild call me by a different name? Wouldn't it be easier if he called me the same thing that Favorite Grandchild calls me?  I'm just SO worried he'll have confusion about this!"  No, MIL. DS is smart enough to handle this.  🙄 He is aware that one person can have different names/titles and not feel confusion about this.  Besides, wouldn't it be easier to have Favorite Grandchild call you the same thing that the other 4 grandchildren call you and have called you for 18 years???

🙄

Edited July 9, 2020 by MissLemon

[prairiewindmomma]

22 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh, my dad AND inlaws do a variation of this. They "accidentally" misspell my son's name to let me know they are unhappy. The best part? My son's first name is my maiden name.  It is literally my father's last name, yet he "accidentally" misspells it (and my married last name), because he's still mad that I got pregnant at age 35 before DH and I were legally married. My son is 12 now. 🙄 

The in-laws have recently started misspelling my son's name to reinforce the narrative that I am keeping him from them, and the separation is so severe they don't even know how to spell his name anymore 🙄 

    

 

Do we have the same in-laws? 😂

Ds received a card recently with a name similar to his, but not his actual name.  That's right, my son's grandparents don't even bother to remember his name. Or, they are angry for some reason and are trying to make a very odd point. 

[Shoeless]

3 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Do we have the same in-laws? 😂

Ds received a card recently with a name similar to his, but not his actual name.  That's right, my son's grandparents don't even bother to remember his name. Or, they are angry for some reason and are trying to make a very odd point. 

 

It is the most baffling thing. If I correct them, all the parties get really upset at me for pointing out they misspelled his name, and a whole bunch of crying and yelling commences. Again. 

It's not even a weird name with a tricky spelling! It's like "Miller" or "Roberts". Something relatively common that most people that have spoken US English their entire lives would be able to spell! 

[prairiewindmomma]

13 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

 

It is the most baffling thing. If I correct them, all the parties get really upset at me for pointing out they misspelled his name, and a whole bunch of crying and yelling commences. Again. 

It's not even a weird name with a tricky spelling! It's like "Miller" or "Roberts". Something relatively common that most people that have spoken US English their entire lives would be able to spell! 

We're not dealing with normal people for sure.

[Shoeless]

45 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

We really need an eye-roll emoji response. 

🙄

Here you go!