In-laws, what to call 'em (TW:suicide mentioned, no detail)

[theelfqueen]

I call my inlaws by first names and so does DH. (Actually DH calls my Mom by her nickname which most people  but I have always dislike lol)

My DIL calls us by our first names. 

My mom called my Dad's parents "Mom and Dad" (but my Dads stepmother was always by first name, for all of us .... as a kid we kids pretty much only addressed my Dad's father as Sir) ...

My Dad, on the other hand, always called my Mom's parents Mr. And Mrs. Lastname. 

Edited July 7, 2020 by theelfqueen

[Momto6inIN]

5 hours ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

 

Fwiw, when people say things like "daughter in love" I 🙄 that, so if I had to chose between being called "Mother-in-Love" or Mom, I'd probably go with Mom and select hot poker in the eye above "Mother in Love". 

This is the only name I'd put my foot down about. It makes me want to vomit in my mouth a little when I hear it lol

Other than that, I just can't imagine dictating to someone else what they should call me. It's kinda like when kids name their grandparents ... you may picture yourself as a Grandma Last Name but if that adorable little first grandchild calls you Nonny instead you're going to shrug and go with it.

If my future DILs and SILs want to call me Mom I will be delighted they feel close enough to honor me in that way, but I don't "expect" it as a right. I won't feel slighted if they call me by my first name. I would feel super weird and wonder if I had done something wrong to offend them if they called me Mrs Last Name, because I am soooo not a formal person, but I wouldn't correct them.

I also would be very happy if my kids call their future ILs Mom and Dad someday because to me that would mean they have a loving happy relationship with them. Developing a loving happy relationship with their ILs in no way detracts from the loving happy relationship they already have with me.

I call my ILs Mom and Dad. When we first got married I called them nothing because I was young and felt awkward and I didn't know what to call them, even though I already felt close to them. But it didn't take long to start calling them Mom and Dad. When I talk about them to the kids I use Grandma and Grandpa, but not when I talk directly to them. Pretty much the same thing happened with DH and my parents.

I know for a fact that it bothers my mom that I call my ILs Mom and Dad, but that's because she had a tense relationship with my dad's parents and called them only by their first names. She had no problem with my dad calling her parents Mom and Dad. That's probably where I got the notion that good IL relations results in calling them Mom and Dad and bad IL relations results in using first names.

I realize that's not true across the board, but that's the feeling I internalized growing up and why I wanted to call my ILs Mom and Dad.

 

Edited July 7, 2020 by Momto6inIN

[katilac]

5 minutes ago, barnwife said:

I might have missed a few people who tried answering my question. But we use titles as names for other situations. Why is this one different? Having grown up as I did, I just cannot wrap my mind around it. 

Mom is not a multi-use title in my world. It means exactly one person, lol, and it's pretty much her name as far as I'm concerned. It's not like I ever think of her by her actual name. I'll introduce her by her name, of course - this is my mom, Katy - but I certainly never think, hmm, I wonder if I have time to stop at Katy's house? I have many aunts but only one mom. I have many uncles but only one dad. 

Even with multi-use titles, it depends on age and stuff. When my nephew got married, I became his wife's aunt by marriage, but she doesn't call me Aunt Katilac. She was well grown when we met and we call each other by first names. Her daughter, though, does call me Aunt Katilac, because she was a young child when we met and I fill that role for her. And because otherwise she would be calling me Ms. Katilac at family gatherings and that's just weird. 

If my inlaws had a completely different parental name that wasn't used in my world, it might feel different. Like I don't have an Abba or a Papa, so I could see sliding into using that. There's not that jarring feeling of that's not Dad! I think that's why so many of us find it easy to use grandparent titles; they are rarely an exact match to what we call our grandparents. In our case, the grandparent names are completely and utterly different, it's very easy to call them that. 

 

[JadeOrchidSong]

I call MIL and FiL mom and dad, I would prefer my future daughters-in-law to call me by what I prefer: mom. 

This is my culture. I cannot imagine calling MiL her first name. 

[catz]

I always called my in-laws by their first name.  heck, I call my own mom by her first name a bit.  Once my kids came along it was Grandpa Bob, Grandma Betty, etc.  I think lots of families default to something like that when grandkids come along. My son started calling one grandfather papa, and that is what we called him until his death.  Things evolve and change over time.  
 

I personally think this is between in laws and their new family members and comfort levels.  I would never feel like the use of the word mom or any other would take away from my own relationship with my own kids.  And people engaged should be comfortable saying “I’m not comfortable with mom yet, but I’m excited and honored to be part of your family.”   And ideally no one would be insisting.  If they were I’d consider that a red flag.  I personally aspire not to be a source of tension on either side of stuff like this.  
 

 

[mumto2]

I don’t think I want to be called Mom by people other than my children.  It’s just not a craving I have.
 

 It may have been a necessity many years ago when people left their parents far behind when they married and contact was really limited.  If you lived near your mil she may have taken on the mom role for a possibly young newlywed.  Times have changed......... That doesn’t mean that I won’t love these future family members and if one of them wants to call me mom I will accept their wishes.  I just don’t need it.  I hope they love their parents and are in constant contact with their mom’s and dad’s.  I think that might be the difference, our generation has always been able to talk to our parents .........sometimes the cost was prohibitive but if I needed my mom she was there on the other side of the phone line.  Cost has really ceased to be a factor for this generation.

 

[Annie G]

1 hour ago, barnwife said:

Clearly I am in the minority, having grown up in a family/culture that uses "Mom" and "Dad." I really think this is "to each their own." But...for all those who say they wouldn't be comfortable doing that because MIL/FIL is not your mom or dad, what are they then? It's right there in their title "Mother-in-law" and "Father-in-law." 

I just don't get that reasoning...

I totally get what you’re saying. When dh and I married we were close, but neither of us were close to the other’s parents. So it felt weird calling them Mom and Dad. And even as we got to know each other better we didn’t have a parent/child relationship because we were adults when we met.  
I don’t have any problem w people who feel comfortable calling inlaws mom and dad, it just wasn’t right for us when we married. 
 

 

[theelfqueen]

Also, I've never lived within 1000 miles of DHs parents so I haven't ever had that kind of relationship with them. 

I also often wonder if the "mom/dad" adopters married younger than the non-adopters... 

Edited July 7, 2020 by theelfqueen

[RootAnn]

I didn't call my FIL anything to his face before we had kids. I think I referred to him as "your dad." He's "Papa First Name now. My MIL died before we got engaged.

DH calls my mom by her first name, but refers to her as "your grandmother" when talking about her to the kids. My kids call her "Grandma LastName." (My father is dead. DH called him by his first name.)

When my oldest brother's fiance asked before they got married what to call my mom, my mom said, "Well, I called my mother-in-law [first name of my dad's mom]." My bro's fiance said, "Ok, I'll call you, [first name of my dad's mom]." It was a long-running joke that they both enjoyed until chickie divorced my brother. None of the other sons or daughters-in-law have followed that example.

[Jaybee]

I haven't read the other responses due to time right now. I don't really call my in-laws anything. Many years ago, I asked them what I should call them. MIL kind of laughed, and said, "Whatever you want." Which meant I never called them anything, because I never found sometime I was comfortable with. Once or twice in the many years we have been married, I called them "Mr./Ms. FirstName" but even that was uncomfortable. Dh calls/called my parents Mr./Mrs. LastName. It wasn't stilted or formal or uncomfortable, it just fits who they are. Because of the situation with my in-laws, we specifically told our children's spouses to call us by our first names. Some of our younger in-laws seem to feel a little uncomfortable with that. One's parents have dd call her mom/dad (I think), but internally, I don't like it, and don't want him to call us that, even though we love him dearly. It's their family custom, but I reserve that name for my mom only, and privately want that for myself as well. The other one's parents have dd call them Dr./Mrs. LastName, and it suits them (they are our age, but seem more like my parents' generation), but that doesn't suit us. I'm fine with our grandparent names being used if they are more comfortable with that. Ddil seems to be fine with our first names, but she is an older professional. Our young dsils--well, we should probably re-visit that with them so that it is comfortable. Different family cultures can just make it awkward sometimes.

[vonfirmath]

31 minutes ago, katilac said:

Mom is not a multi-use title in my world. It means exactly one person, lol, and it's pretty much her name as far as I'm concerned. It's not like I ever think of her by her actual name. I'll introduce her by her name, of course - this is my mom, Katy - but I certainly never think, hmm, I wonder if I have time to stop at Katy's house? I have many aunts but only one mom. I have many uncles but only one dad. 

Even with multi-use titles, it depends on age and stuff. When my nephew got married, I became his wife's aunt by marriage, but she doesn't call me Aunt Katilac. She was well grown when we met and we call each other by first names. Her daughter, though, does call me Aunt Katilac, because she was a young child when we met and I fill that role for her. And because otherwise she would be calling me Ms. Katilac at family gatherings and that's just weird. 

If my inlaws had a completely different parental name that wasn't used in my world, it might feel different. Like I don't have an Abba or a Papa, so I could see sliding into using that. There's not that jarring feeling of that's not Dad! I think that's why so many of us find it easy to use grandparent titles; they are rarely an exact match to what we call our grandparents. In our case, the grandparent names are completely and utterly different, it's very easy to call them that. 

 

Ah. I do call my husband's Aunts and Uncles Aunt and Uncle <name>

 

[Guest]

I think it’s pretty unusual to call one’s MIL “Mom” or the exact thing they call their own mom. My mom called her own mom “Mother” and her MIL, “Mom.” But in reality, she spent very little time around her MIL, so I doubt it even came into play very often. 

I call my MIL by her first name, but TBH, I only did this because of precedent in the family and I wish I had never done that. It feels like I think she’s my peer; it doesn’t command enough respect and I so regret it. Others who married after me call her Mrs. Lastname. That is what I wish I had done. 

I don’t have any married kids yet, but dd’s bf, I think usually says Ms. Danielle. I would never want him to call me Mom! Ms. Danielle feels fine to me, probably in part because I have known him since he was a boy at homeschool co-op and he was in my classes sometimes. I was Ms. Danielle in class. 

Tangent about names: dh’s oldest brother is a third generation name and so his siblings always called him by a nickname. But his wife met him in school, where he was known by his normal name, which is the same name most people called my FIL. To make matters worse, a sister married someone who also has this same name. So the weird part is, his wife has always referred to him by his normal name (not the family nickname) and would say “Uncle ——-“ to my kids. But my kids would always be baffled because Uncle ——— was the *other* guy, married to someone else! I would always have to tell my kids, “Auntie means Uncle Nickname...” I don’t really know what is the *right* thing to do - I can see how the name he used outside of the family would be normal to his wife, not the nickname. - but it always seemed rigid to me that she would doggedly stick to calling him by his normal name within the family, rather than just switching for context like most people do. 

[vonfirmath]

16 minutes ago, Quill said:

I think it’s pretty unusual to call one’s MIL “Mom” or the exact thing they call their own mom. My mom called her own mom “Mother” and her MIL, “Mom.” But in reality, she spent very little time around her MIL, so I doubt it even came into play very often. 

I call my MIL by her first name, but TBH, I only did this because of precedent in the family and I wish I had never done that. It feels like I think she’s my peer; it doesn’t command enough respect and I so regret it. Others who married after me call her Mrs. Lastname. That is what I wish I had done. 

I don’t have any married kids yet, but dd’s bf, I think usually says Ms. Danielle. I would never want him to call me Mom! Ms. Danielle feels fine to me, probably in part because I have known him since he was a boy at homeschool co-op and he was in my classes sometimes. I was Ms. Danielle in class. 

Tangent about names: dh’s oldest brother is a third generation name and so his siblings always called him by a nickname. But his wife met him in school, where he was known by his normal name, which is the same name most people called my FIL. To make matters worse, a sister married someone who also has this same name. So the weird part is, his wife has always referred to him by his normal name (not the family nickname) and would say “Uncle ——-“ to my kids. But my kids would always be baffled because Uncle ——— was the *other* guy, married to someone else! I would always have to tell my kids, “Auntie means Uncle Nickname...” I don’t really know what is the *right* thing to do - I can see how the name he used outside of the family would be normal to his wife, not the nickname. - but it always seemed rigid to me that she would doggedly stick to calling him by his normal name within the family, rather than just switching for context like most people do. 

My husband's sister has the same first and middle name as me.

We both go by that name (no nicknames)

The kids seem fine with understanding the difference.

There is occasional confusion when the grandparents are talking about one of us. (but only very occasional. Usually context helps us figure it out. We are very different people despite sharing names)

 

There was an early effort to give me a nickname in the family to differentiate it. However, I never answered to that nickname so it didn't stick and has not been a problem.

 

Maybe your DH's brother prefers his name to his nickname.

 

Edited July 7, 2020 by vonfirmath

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, barnwife said:

 But...for all those who say they wouldn't be comfortable doing that because MIL/FIL is not your mom or dad, what are they then? It's right there in their title "Mother-in-law" and "Father-in-law." 

I just don't get that reasoning...

I could call my in-laws as FIL, MIL, SIL, BIL in “formal” chinese without it being seen as rude. The tone would tell what kind of relationship we have distant/formal/affectionate/close. In-laws came with marriage, that doesn’t give them automatic rights to be called mom and dad regardless of family culture. My MIL bad mouthed DILs, SIL and their parents anyway.

My in-laws ignore food allergies of their daughter’s children. So their daughter did not dare to let her parents babysit. Her in-laws are much better, more respectful, helpful and gracious. 

[katilac]

28 minutes ago, Quill said:

So the weird part is, his wife has always referred to him by his normal name (not the family nickname) and would say “Uncle ——-“ to my kids. But my kids would always be baffled because Uncle ——— was the *other* guy, married to someone else! I would always have to tell my kids, “Auntie means Uncle Nickname...” I don’t really know what is the *right* thing to do - I can see how the name he used outside of the family would be normal to his wife, not the nickname. - but it always seemed rigid to me that she would doggedly stick to calling him by his normal name within the family, rather than just switching for context like most people do. 

I don't think it's weird or rigid to call him by the name she, y'know, knows him as! 

I have several versions of my name/nickname, and I really can't think of a time when anyone switches for context. It's just as reasonable to assume that other people should figure it out by context. When my worlds collide, I am often called by three different names at the same event (not even counting stuff like Auntie Katilac).

Is it really unusual to have two people with the same name? In my family, we often have several people with the same name. We have 3 Johns, for example. All of whom would kill you if you tried to call them Johnny or Jay or anything other than John.    

[YaelAldrich]

I call my MIL, MIL (pronounced mill) and FIL,  FIL (pronounced Phil) and very occasionally Dad. That's what they asked me and SIL to call them (we married only a year apart). She'll never earn the title of Mom and my FIL barely so. My DH calls my Mom, Mom all the time as she treats and loves him like a son. My dad was Mr so and so for many years. My father finally respected and liked him after decades and now calls him son and my DH mostly calls him Dad.

[school17777]

I call my in-laws by their first name even though they offered for me to call them mom and dad.  I feel calling them m/d would make dh my brother instead of my dh, so I’ve stuck with first names. My mil’s kids don’t even call her mom - they call her by a nickname to her name that only they use.  
 

I’ve invited my sil to call us by our first names - I introduced myself by first name when met - it’s hard to change the name you first call someone.  We’ve only seen him twice since the wedding and I don’t think he’s called us anything at all.  Maybe he’ll be like some of the don’t call them anything like previous posters.  My dd had to refer to her in-laws as Miss first name and Mr first name until they got married and then they said she could drop the titles.

[school17777]

Just now, YaelAldrich said:

call my MIL, MIL (pronounced mill) and FIL,  FIL (pronounced Phil)

Cute!

[rebcoola]

I call by their first names or as grandpa/ma xxxx.   They just don't serve in a parenting role to me so I don't think of them that way. 

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, barnwife said:

Clearly I am in the minority, having grown up in a family/culture that uses "Mom" and "Dad." I really think this is "to each their own." But...for all those who say they wouldn't be comfortable doing that because MIL/FIL is not your mom or dad, what are they then? It's right there in their title "Mother-in-law" and "Father-in-law." 

I just don't get that reasoning...

IN LAW.

[Kassia]

7 hours ago, theelfqueen said:

 

I also often wonder if the "mom/dad" adopters married younger than the non-adopters... 

 

I was 19 and not close with my own parents, so calling them mom/dad didn't feel weird to me even though they weren't warm or welcoming.  

[Carrie12345]

It was VERY awkward for me when MIL suggested I call her Mom. Frankly, I didn’t know her all that well yet, and my mother had just moved 800 miles away, so I was not in a frame of mind that could handle that. I think it may have been a grand gesture for her, so I did feel bad. But she turned out to be nuts, so I don’t really care anymore. It was first names forever.

Dh calls my parents by their first names, too. They adore him, and that’s never been a weird thing.

I did have past relationships where I might have gone with Mom/Dad if we wound up married. Some of those people were like actual parents to me for significant periods of my life.  I also had some non-romantic friends who used to call my mom Mom or Momma D,  so the concept isn’t foreign to me. It just didn’t fit with my in-laws.

In homeschool groups, I prefer to be called Mrs. Lastname, but the teens usually transition to my first name as they get older. My preference there is a holdover from my childhood, but I still can’t imagine asking an adult to call me Mrs. Lastname.

I don’t have any children-in-law, but I know from my experience that I want to follow their lead. Whatever they’re comfortable with will be fine with me.

[Familia]

10 hours ago, barnwife said:

Clearly I am in the minority, having grown up in a family/culture that uses "Mom" and "Dad." I really think this is "to each their own." But...for all those who say they wouldn't be comfortable doing that because MIL/FIL is not your mom or dad, what are they then? It's right there in their title "Mother-in-law" and "Father-in-law." 

I just don't get that reasoning...

This is exactly how I feel.  But I do call my in-laws by their first names, grandma and grandpa, or mom and dad depending on my mood. I will admit that the terms mom and dad feel a little bit more cozy then I’m sometimes comfortable with. But it’s overall not a big deal to me. What  my future DIL/SIL call me will be up to them  Given the varying, valid opinions expressed in this thread, I clearly see that avoiding that simple potential for uncomfortable feelings is best. In a relationship potentially fraught with sensitivity, I don’t see it being my hill to die on. 

[KungFuPanda]

I think this is entirely up to the daughter and MIL and mom needS to continue with the unconditional support. It’s GOOD for the daughter to expand her support system and healthy for her to form more close relationships in life. Her own mother’s unwavering support made this happen. 
 

The husband’s family is going to have traditions that aren’t your own. You have to roll with it. Nothing can be gained by protesting it. Maybe she can find a hybrid, like “Mama Beth” that works, but I really wouldn’t get hung up on having a vote. Your daughter and SIL are going to have two sets of parents a generation up and 4 sets of grandparents the next generation up. It’s their job to define those relationships for themselves and ours not to micromanage their adult lives. 

[Innisfree]

16 hours ago, maize said:

Once we had kids I usually called my inlaws by their grandparent titles. I actually call my own parents grandma and grandpa most of the time now too.

This is pretty much how it's worked for us.

My mother had basically helped raise my (older) cousins, who developed their own special name for her. It was a variant of her first name. She decided she wanted our kids to call her that: it was what young extended family members had called her for decades. So, it was easy for dh to call her that too, without using either her actual first name or "Mom".  Like Maize, I ended up mostly calling her that also.

The same pattern existed in my own childhood. All the grandkids used a special, individual name for each of my mother's parents. So, my father used the same names for his MIL and FIL that the kids did, and so did their other SIL.

I never had to call my MIL or FIL anything in particular, since one died before dh and I were married and the other shortly after. Neither had ever expressed a preference, and we didn't see them very often or for very long, so that just never got resolved.

I'll be fine having SILs call me anything that makes them feel comfortable.

Edited July 7, 2020 by Innisfree

[HS Mom in NC]

The choice is up to the bride as to whether or not she wants to use mom and dad.   It's ridiculous for anyone to expect to be called a term as intimate and loaded with meaning as mom and dad or a variation on that.  It's like a step-child situation.  If someone is comfortable with mom or dad then the appropriate thing to say is, " You can call me by my first name or by mom/dad.  Whatever you prefer.  I'm perfectly happy with either one." Anyone who doesn't have that attitude and isn't presenting it in that kind of way clearly struggles with some emotional intelligence issues.  Just because someone struggles with emotional intelligence issues, it doesn't mean anyone else has to go along with their cluelessness.  If the daughter isn't completely comfortable with it, then she shouldn't do it, and her husband to be needs to support her 100%. 

If someone isn't comfortable being called mom and dad and wants to be called by their first names, they should say so.  A first name isn't a loaded term like mom and dad are, so it's fine to set that expectation.

My husband calls my parents by their first names and always has.

I call my in-laws by their first names and always have. When we got married my FIL told me he was fine with me calling him dad.  I said sweetly, "That's so nice of you, Ed." and I call him Ed. I call my dad and step-dad dad and that's it. Word got back to me several years ago (I've been married for 27 years) that he's hurt by it, but he's hurt often and easily about so many things.  It's his choice to be hurt.

Now that I think about it, my in-laws called their in-laws, who they lived near and spent time with frequently,  by their first names.

My husband's now deceased sister was married.  Her husband called and still calls them mom and dad.

My sons-in-law call me by my first name like they always have.  I'm from PHX, so honorific usage with a last name is mostly limited to school teachers, certain denominations, and old people who might be from tradition influenced parts of the US.

My dad and my step-dad called their in-laws, my grandparents, by their first names.

My mom never interacted with her in-laws due to her husbands limiting contact and because not all of them were alive when she married.

One of my 3 brothers has a wife that calls our parents mom and dad...and dad. The rest use first names.

[alisoncooks]

I call MIL by her first name, if I have to. Sometimes I'll call her Granny, if I'm talking to her in front of small grands. 

[HS Mom in NC]

17 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

The choice is up to the bride as to whether or not she wants to use mom and dad.   It's ridiculous for anyone to expect to be called a term as intimate and loaded with meaning as mom and dad or a variation on that.  It's like a step-child situation.  If someone is comfortable with mom or dad then the appropriate thing to say is, " You can call me by my first name or by mom/dad.  Whatever you prefer.  I'm perfectly happy with either one." Anyone who doesn't have that attitude and isn't presenting it in that kind of way clearly struggles with some emotional intelligence issues.  Just because someone struggles with emotional intelligence issues, it doesn't mean anyone else has to go along with their cluelessness.  If the daughter isn't completely comfortable with it, then she shouldn't do it, and her husband to be needs to support her 100%. 

If someone isn't comfortable being called mom and dad and wants to be called by their first names, they should say so.  A first name isn't a loaded term like mom and dad are, so it's fine to set that expectation.

My husband calls my parents by their first names and always has.

I call my in-laws by their first names and always have. When we got married my FIL told me he was fine with me calling him dad.  I said sweetly, "That's so nice of you, Ed." and I call him Ed. I call my dad and step-dad dad and that's it. Word got back to me several years ago (I've been married for 27 years) that he's hurt by it, but he's hurt often and easily about so many things.  It's his choice to be hurt.

Now that I think about it, my in-laws called their in-laws, who they lived near and spent time with frequently,  by their first names.

My husband's now deceased sister was married.  Her husband called and still calls them mom and dad.

My sons-in-law call me by my first name like they always have.  I'm from PHX, so honorific usage with a last name is mostly limited to school teachers, certain denominations, and old people who might be from tradition influenced parts of the US.

ETA: (OOPs, I left this out earlier.) My daughters call their MsIL by their first names.  Each of their MsIL is a particularly difficult person, so the fact that they and their husbands speak to them at all is very generous.  Oldest and her husband cut contact for a while as MIL was not respecting boundaries.  Now contact is limited on their side but decent on hers.

My dad and my step-dad called their in-laws, my grandparents, by their first names.

My mom never interacted with her in-laws due to her husbands limiting contact and because not all of them were alive when she married.

One of my 3 brothers has a wife that calls our parents mom and dad...and dad. The rest use first names.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

58 minutes ago, OKBud said:

LOL no *way*!! I don't even call my dad's wife my step-mom. She's a perfectly fine human being, but I barely know her. She has no relationship to me, or my children, to speak of. I refer to her as "my dad's wife" and call her by name 

Yeah, my collection of step-mothers happened in my childhood and I interacted with them then, so I referred to them as my step-mom when I talked about them, but if Dad married now I would refer to her as "my dad's wife" because she wouldn't have any kind of parental role or influence in my life.

My second step-mom's daughter (about 17-19ish at the time, I don't remember exactly) introduced my dad at a small social gathering once as, "This is my mom's third husband, [Firstname.]"  It was meant as an insult to my dad who I love, but to be honest, I have to laugh out loud every time I think about it.  I mean, as fast as that crowd went through SOs, many of which they cohabited with when there were minor children in the home, and spouses, you have to admire the elegance and restraint of it.  In one factually correct, concise phrase so much was revealed to the hearer. Well done, Sherry.  Well. done.

Edited July 7, 2020 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[HS Mom in NC]

11 hours ago, katilac said:

Is it really unusual to have two people with the same name?   

Yes.  That's very unusual.  My dad has 6 siblings, I have 4, there have been several remarries to people who brought bio kids into the marriages, and we have 1 duplicate that is a Jr. who has gone by his middle name from birth instead of the first name he shares with his father.

[marbel]

11 hours ago, katilac said:

I don't think it's weird or rigid to call him by the name she, y'know, knows him as! 

I have several versions of my name/nickname, and I really can't think of a time when anyone switches for context. It's just as reasonable to assume that other people should figure it out by context. When my worlds collide, I am often called by three different names at the same event (not even counting stuff like Auntie Katilac).

Is it really unusual to have two people with the same name? In my family, we often have several people with the same name. We have 3 Johns, for example. All of whom would kill you if you tried to call them Johnny or Jay or anything other than John.    

Not in my experience. Not necessarily in my own extended family, but I know lots of others. It's pretty prevalent among folks who prefer to use family names for their own kids; you can have several cousins named after a grandparent. But then there are often nicknames.  I've never really been in a situation where people couldn't figure it out. 

One set of my nieces and nephews have a particular nickname for me, which their mom gave me when I was about 14 years old. They all figured out around age 4 that I have a "real" name, but they don't use it, even as adults. Their kids also call me by the nickname. My other set of n/n don't use that nickname at all because their dad didn't call me by it. When we are together, I may be called by several different names/variations on a name, and with or without "Aunt."  NBD.

[barnwife]

11 hours ago, katilac said:

Is it really unusual to have two people with the same name? In my family, we often have several people with the same name. We have 3 Johns, for example. All of whom would kill you if you tried to call them Johnny or Jay or anything other than John.    

 

10 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Yes.  That's very unusual.  My dad has 6 siblings, I have 4, there have been several remarries to people who brought bio kids into the marriages, and we have 1 duplicate that is a Jr. who has gone by his middle name from birth instead of the first name he shares with his father.

Well, that's your experience. My family and DH's family definitely have name repeats. I grew up with many uncles with the same name (each parent had a brother with that name, then my parents' siblings married someone with it, another sibling married someone with a name only one letter different...). And DH's family has lots of name duplicates. 

When I think of families we know, it's not unusual at all to have name duplicates in their extended families. So to call it "very unusual" just doesn't ring true as a generalization. That, of course, doesn't mean it's the norm for you!

[HS Mom in NC]

13 hours ago, barnwife said:

Clearly I am in the minority, having grown up in a family/culture that uses "Mom" and "Dad." I really think this is "to each their own." But...for all those who say they wouldn't be comfortable doing that because MIL/FIL is not your mom or dad, what are they then? It's right there in their title "Mother-in-law" and "Father-in-law." 

I just don't get that reasoning...

They're Ed and Carolyn, my in-laws. Just because it's a title that's been around for ages doesn't mean it fits the situation. Just because there are titled called step-mom/step-dad doesn't mean to the step-kid they're mom and dad. 

I think several posters have indicated that there's an intimacy aspect to the term mom and dad and there's no desire, expectation, or experience with that level of emotional intimacy with their in-laws.

I call my step-dad dad because we do have a level of emotional intimacy that built up between us since he married my mom when I was 3. I lived with them, he was a good dad to me.  I started calling him Bob when they got married but naturally transitioned to dad some time before I was 6 or 7.  I still saw my biological father every other weekend.  I've always called him dad too because we had similar emotional intimacy and he was a good dad to me. Yes, I have 2 dads.

My step-brothers were 11 and 12 and my step-sister was 5 when my step-dad married my mom. They always lived with him. My mom was the first stable mother figure they ever had, and shortly after the marriage they started calling her mom.  She was a good mom to them. They refer to their biological mother by her first name.  She was mentally unstable (even her father testified on my step-dad's behalf to give my step-dad custody of the kids) and was erratic, cruel, and eventually absent from them as the marriage ended. She was given custody of her daughter, my step-sister, and my step-dad had standard 1970s, every other weekend visitation.  After a couple of years she went into hiding with her daughter.   As an adult, my step-sister has a relationship with her dad and her mother was eventually institutionalized.

It's all about the nature of the relationship, not tradition of technical legal terms.

[PerfectFifth]

Before my own marriage my hubbys female relatives were trying to get me to call MIL "mom". I dodged.  I was young.  At one point they had me backed against a wall with my mother present and I said something to her affect of "i only use mom for the woman who had to put up with me in the teen years". Honestly I don't have a great relationship with my mom but I think demanding someone call you mom is rude. If it naturally happens and everyone's on board, fine. Otherwise it just feels like dominance.  

[HS Mom in NC]

3 minutes ago, barnwife said:

 

Well, that's your experience. My family and DH's family definitely have name repeats. I grew up with many uncles with the same name (each parent had a brother with that name, then my parents' siblings married someone with it, another sibling married someone with a name only one letter different...). And DH's family has lots of name duplicates. 

When I think of families we know, it's not unusual at all to have name duplicates in their extended families. So to call it "very unusual" just doesn't ring true as a generalization. That, of course, doesn't mean it's the norm for you!

I didn't just mean my situation, I mean where I come from it's unusual, and I used my family as an example. That large family of mine is from all over the US and has extended family of their own all over place from CA to NJ to ME and all over The South.   It's probably more isolated to traditional influenced areas where people don't get an influx of transplants like The South and The Midwest where people are comfortable with Jrs. and John Smith II and John Smith III.

When my KY born and raised grandmother suggested naming her yet to be born child after her husband, my grandad, he shut it down immediately and he was from OK. When she suggested my parents name my brother after my dad they shut that down right away too. I think individualist influenced areas just don't like repeating names, and cosmopolitan areas tend to provide so much name diversity that a wider range of choices sounds more normal to people, I think the recycled name thing is dying out like honorifics and calling in-laws mom and dad.

When I graduated from high school in PHX in 1991 the whole class of 300+ was a buzz with shock and laughter when during the dry run rehearsal the name "Kenneth Earl Lanious (French pronunciation) the IV" was announced.  There were a few Jr.s which were notable in themselves, but a 4th was shocking. He went by Kenny Lanios (English pronunciation), and was Kunta Kenny to our circle of friends (I never knew the back story on that) but it was unusual to hear a name recycled among the Jr.s and it was craaaaazy that one had been repurposed so many times.

[J-rap]

16 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

I have a son in law and just realized I have no idea what he calls me.  I don't notice things like that.  Unless someone calls me something bad, I don't notice.  I didn't notice for years that dh calls me Tina a lot.

I'm kind of the same way.  Names and titles and nicknames...  whatever!  Those things aren't even near the top of my list of things to care about.  (Also, funny about not noticing what your dh called you -- ha!)  

[J-rap]

12 hours ago, Seasider too said:

If a dil or sil felt such a bond that s/he wanted to call me mom, and asked if they could, I’d consider it. 

But never in a million years would I ask someone who already has a functional (that’s an odd word choice but I think ykwim) mother to call me mom, too. That is an earned title for sure. 

For sure it can be thought of that way -- if you mean earned by being the actual mother.  But, I also think of it as a term of endearment/respect, even if you're not the actual mother.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

13 hours ago, theelfqueen said:

Also, I've never lived within 1000 miles of DHs parents so I haven't ever had that kind of relationship with them. 

I also often wonder if the "mom/dad" adopters married younger than the non-adopters... 

I married close to 30. I didn’t need new parental figures. And MIL was narcissistic. I still called her Mom. It was a title of respect and position in the family structure. (Not earned respect but respect for the position). But I grew up in an Asian culture and married into a (different) Asian-American  culture.  

[Just Kate]

I call my in-laws by their first names...my dh does the same with my parents. In-laws have always lived about 1,000 miles away and while I always had a fine relationship with them, we just aren’t super close. I always had the impression that my mil would like it if I called her mom (or something like that), but I always ignored that feeling because I would never be comfortable with it. Just last summer, after 20 years of marriage (!), mil got furious with me because I don’t call her mom. She didn’t ask me...she demanded it and got super mad when I said I wasn’t comfortable with that. She did the same to her other dil (who has been married into the family for about 10 years longer than I have!). My mil can be quite difficult but I’ve always been able to ignore it since we live so far away. I think it’s ridiculous that she wants me to change what I call her after so many years of marriage. 
 

When my kids are old enough to marry, I will tell their spouses to call me by my first name. 

[Janeway]

It is depending on which in-laws. On my side of the family, everyone who married in is just called whatever the other person was. I could not ever call anyone who is not my own mom and dad, mom and dad. I take offense to my SIL doing that, but that is likely due to some of her odd behaviors, where she has acted hostile toward me and my sisters. My brother was always overbearing and always tried to be the alpha child, and number one basically. And he has tried to position his wife in the same way. I am talking weird things like him throwing tantrums if my mom would try to visit us for something and him suddenly having an emergency. Or my mom trying to take pictures her own grandchildren and my brother stepping in between the children and the camera. Weird stuff. SIL has never tried to be any better than him. Those two are perfect for each other. So I do take offense to her calling my parents mom and dad. Also, she would never visit my parents unless my brother were there, she never did anything for them. It was just a very weird dynamic. Everyone else just goes by their name and I consider anyone who marries a cousin to be a cousin too. 

I always called my grandparents, Grandma Anderson or Grandma Ruth, that sort of thing. SO when I reference my real MIL, I called her Grandma and her first name. Or I just reference her by her first name. I never met her as she died before I came alone. Her siblings are Aunt this and Uncle that...whatever my husband would call them.  My husband's mom's mom was still alive early on, but died years ago. I have always called her Grandma Helen. But I never could have called his mom Mom Nancy. I call her Grandma Nancy to the kids but then reference her as Nancy when just speaking of her not to the kids. 

[Guest]

12 hours ago, katilac said:

I don't think it's weird or rigid to call him by the name she, y'know, knows him as! 

I have several versions of my name/nickname, and I really can't think of a time when anyone switches for context. It's just as reasonable to assume that other people should figure it out by context. When my worlds collide, I am often called by three different names at the same event (not even counting stuff like Auntie Katilac).

Is it really unusual to have two people with the same name? In my family, we often have several people with the same name. We have 3 Johns, for example. All of whom would kill you if you tried to call them Johnny or Jay or anything other than John.    

I don’t think it’s weird that she calls him by that name. I think it’s weird she was always trying to “enforce” his being called “Uncle Firstname” when everyone else in the family always and forever called him by the nickname. When my kids were little, they had zero context for him being called (not his name, but per your example) “Uncle John.” They thought Uncle John was the other uncle, whom everybody called John. 

A parallel might be if all the cousins called the grandmother “Mee-Maw,” but one DIL didn’t like the name Mee-Maw and so when she talked to the grandkids (my kids, who call her Mee-Maw), she kept saying, “When Mama Rose puts the garden in...” The kids are just sitting there like, who the hell is Mama Rose? 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Yes.  That's very unusual.  My dad has 6 siblings, I have 4, there have been several remarries to people who brought bio kids into the marriages, and we have 1 duplicate that is a Jr. who has gone by his middle name from birth instead of the first name he shares with his father.

That’s my typical experience, too. 

[Kassia]

35 minutes ago, Just Kate said:

Just last summer, after 20 years of marriage (!), mil got furious with me because I don’t call her mom. She didn’t ask me...she demanded it and got super mad when I said I wasn’t comfortable with that.  

 

My MIL did that with my children's name for her.  My oldest 3 were her only grandchildren until her favorite/beloved daughter had her own daughter (her first granddaughter).  After she was born, she didn't care about my kids anymore and demanded that they changed what they called her to what her granddaughter called her.  Her reason made no sense, but whatever...she's also difficult and blatantly showed preference to my SIL and niece over our family.

 

[AFwife Claire]

I married a man who is 8 years older than I am, and who is the youngest of 9 kids.  So dh's parents are the age of my grandparents.  I was only 20 when we got married, so there was no way I was calling them by their firstnames.  They told me to call them mom/pop, but I did what many people on here have done and avoided calling them anything directly, lol. And then as we started having kids, I called them Grandma B and Grandpa B if talking about them to or around my kids, and "your mom" and "your dad" if talking about them to dh or his siblings.  

But as I got older, it just became easier to refer to them as Mom/Dad (even though we definitely don't have a mom/dad type relationship).  Dh's mom died a few years ago, and his dad is 95, so it's just totally different than my parents, and we don't even see them (or just dh's dad now) much anyway.  

I introduced myself as Claire to my now daughter-in-law when we first met, but I think she also just doesn't call me anything, which is fine!  I do think that in bigger families, there are just so many other people calling me Mom, that it doesn't seem like such a unique title, you know?  My great-grandma was called "Mama Claire" (I was named after her), and I do think that would be a sweet name for me to be called!  But right now, I still have a five-year-old, and so I don't *feel* like I'm ages and ages older than my new daughter-in-law.  SO hopefully she'll feel comfortable with just calling me Claire.  She has a lovely mom herself, and I don't ever want her to feel uncomfortable no matter what she calls me!

My dh met my parents before we ever started dating, so he called them by their first names.  My parents are pretty much the most motherly/fatherly people you could ever know though, and now he calls them Mom and Dad.  My parents do a lot with international military officers who are over here getting advanced degrees, and many of them end up calling my parents Mom and Dad as well, especially single officers who have lived with them for 18 months or so!  When they go back to their countries, marry, and have kids, the kids call my parents Grandma and Grandpa, lol, so I've been used to sharing my parents and their titles for quite some time!    

[Just Kate]

17 minutes ago, Kassia said:

 

My MIL did that with my children's name for her.  My oldest 3 were her only grandchildren until her favorite/beloved daughter had her own daughter (her first granddaughter).  After she was born, she didn't care about my kids anymore and demanded that they changed what they called her to what her granddaughter called her.  Her reason made no sense, but whatever...she's also difficult and blatantly showed preference to my SIL and niece over our family.

 

That reminded me of another situation with my mil. Dh and I have the youngest grandchildren in his family. The older grandchildren called these grandparents granny and grandpa. When my kids came along, they started calling dh’s dad grampy. I asked him if he was okay with this and he said he was. 
 

About two years ago, my fil became sick and he actually died early 2019. When he was still sick, my mil sat down with her oldest granddaughter who already had children (so her great-grandchildren) and told them that they needed to start referring to their grandpa as grampy,  because that’s what my kids call him and it is so much cuter. Not sure whether they went along with it or not, but who does this??? (The granddaughter had been calling him grandpa for over 24 years!!)

 

[katilac]

5 minutes ago, Quill said:

I don’t think it’s weird that she calls him by that name. I think it’s weird she was always trying to “enforce” his being called “Uncle Firstname” when everyone else in the family always and forever called him by the nickname. When my kids were little, they had zero context for him being called (not his name, but per your example) “Uncle John.” They thought Uncle John was the other uncle, whom everybody called John. 

How is her calling him by his name trying to "enforce" that with other people? You didn't say that she corrects other people, simply that she calls him John, because she knows him as John. Presumably her dh introduced himself to her that way because that's what he wants her to call him, lol. 

I have never seen even the youngest of children be baffled by this for long.

"She means Uncle Jojo when she says John, that's his real name." 

"Aunt Dee's name is actually Donna, too, so some people call her that." 

They'll realize quickly enough that she generally means 'her' John when she says Uncle John. It's very possible that her dh is quite glad she doesn't use the nickname, and is hoping it eventually fades away. 

When people get married, they aren't going to do everything the way the family has done them "always and forever." They're going to make different pies for Thanksgiving and they're going to skip the card game that "everyone" plays and they're very unlikely to start calling their beloved by a childhood nickname they've never used before. That's the natural order of things. 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

3 minutes ago, katilac said:

How is her calling him by his name trying to "enforce" that with other people? You didn't say that she corrects other people, simply that she calls him John, because she knows him as John. Presumably her dh introduced himself to her that way because that's what he wants her to call him, lol. 

I have never seen even the youngest of children be baffled by this for long.

"She means Uncle Jojo when she says John, that's his real name." 

"Aunt Dee's name is actually Donna, too, so some people call her that." 

They'll realize quickly enough that she generally means 'her' John when she says Uncle John. It's very possible that her dh is quite glad she doesn't use the nickname, and is hoping it eventually fades away. 

When people get married, they aren't going to do everything the way the family has done them "always and forever." They're going to make different pies for Thanksgiving and they're going to skip the card game that "everyone" plays and they're very unlikely to start calling their beloved by a childhood nickname they've never used before. That's the natural order of things. 

 

Yup.  The name dh calls me is my adult name, not the name I grew up with and which most of the family still calls me. 

[easypeasy]

Didn't read other replies so my opinion isn't colored by them, but maybe the future MIL is thinking that inviting her to call her "mom" is the inviting and welcoming thing to do?

The thought of calling my MIL "mom" makes me want to vomit. Just. No. 
DH calls my parents both firstname and mom/dad. Depends on his mood atm, I guess? I've never asked  

When I have in-law kids, I'll invite them to call me whatever they're comfortable with. I'd actually prefer they call me by a nickname only my husband uses. I figure my in-law kids will be family, but might feel weird calling me "mom," so a shortened version of my real name might be a good compromise. 
 

But, OP, I'm with you in spirit. "Mom" is a hard-earned title sometimes and I can definitely share with you the possessiveness of that emotion. Someone else just breezing in and gaining that same title? 🤯 

BUT, for the peace and well-being of my fragile dd, I'd "suck it up, buttercup" and encourage my dd to call her MIL whatever she feels comfortable with. 

When it's time for a baby, it'll be made clear who "mom" is, yk? 

[gardenmom5]

mil's kids would call her by her first name, so it was sensical that I did too.

My dsil call's me mom.  I left it up to him what he called me, and it was his choice.  I would not have had any issue had he chosen to call me by my first name.

 

eta: I was really ticked off when 2sil referred to me as her "sister" to someone else.  we weren't close, and I didn't trust her.  It made things worse.  

Edited July 7, 2020 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

22 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I do not know anyone who calls their Mil mum. 

 

my dsil does - because he wants to.  (he's not close to his parents.)

I know others who call their in-laws mom/dad - but many do not