Musing about something with attractive work partners

[Ginevra]

So, here’s the set-up: a friend of mine owns a business. He is an attractive, married man. Not for nothing, but he has a very beautiful wife. And four fine children. 

He announced on SM that he is joining in business with a woman. The woman in the picture, his new partner in business, is *gorgeous*. He has a gorgeous wife, but now he also has a gorgeous business partner. 

I’m thinking about this and I am aware of many biased thoughts on the matter. Things like this, “Dang! I wonder if his wife is bothered that his female business partner is super nice-looking. Of course, wife is also super nice-looking, so maybe she doesn’t care. OTOH, if it’s cheating that’s the concern, cheaters gonna cheat; they don’t require less-attractive business partners to keep themselves from cheating, and it’s not like the only thing keeping him from cheating is the fact he already has a beautiful wife.”

Still, even analyzing it objectively like this, I still think I would be bothered if this were my husband. Business partnerships put two people in constant contact for hours and hours a day. I think it would feel a bit threatening to me. But then, I also acknowledge that it only feels threatening because this is an attractive woman; I wouldn’t feel weird about it if he had a gorgeous male partner, or a woman thirty years older than him; probably not even if she was the same age but not at all good-looking. 

So. How do you think this scenario would sit with you? 

(This is a thought experiment. I’m not going to say or do anything about this friend’s partnership. I’m just examining my own thoughts and reactions and am probing them.) 

[hjffkj]

I'd be fine with it.  I am not threatened by other women when it comes to my relationship with dh. He has shown me time and time again that I am the most important person in his life and no one else is going to change that.  But in general, I would be more concerned about personality than appearance. 

[Jaybee]

I would be bothered. I'm not gorgeous by any stretch of the imagination, but it's more than that. Dh and I have a great relationship and have been married a very long time. However, I recognize my own temptations in the area (not so much now, but when I was younger), in spite of having a good strong relationship. It's easy to start feeling dissatisfied, or wonder what it would be like if things were different, etc. I don't think any of us are above temptation, and don't really understand it when others don't see danger points that are so clear to me. It doesn't feel to me so much like a lack of trust, as it does it recognizing that even our most highly esteemed heroes are human and vulnerable to temptation. 

[Arcadia]

I would be bothered and I am plain looking. My cousin (runs his own business) abandoned his beautiful first wife and their kids for an employee. Jeff Bezos dumped MacKenzie. My late uncle had a string of one night stands while married. Cheaters will cheat but my husband would be more concerned with malicious gossip and slander especially in this age of social media. 

[MercyA]

My husband is under the strange misconception that I am the most beautiful woman in the world (no). I still would not be okay with it. Absolutely not. The end.

[Tap]

I would be more concerned about flirtatious personality than just looks. Gorgeous people aren't necessarily more willing to have an affair than people who are more neutral looking. I would say that if anything, they are more used to putting off unwanted attention, because they are used to it. A person who is more neutral looking, may be more reactive to attention; especially  if they aren't used to the constant flattery and attempts to physically connect. 

[Katy]

I'm generally not jealous but I was bothered when DH had to travel internationally with an unmarried female co-worker (who wasn't attractive at all, and now that I think about it possibly not interested in men).  This probably had more to do with the fact that he concealed it from me until I met them at the airport, referring to her as "a coworker" in a predominantly male field, never by name.  Which should have been a clue because he usually tells work stories using everyone's name, even people I've never met.  We hadn't been married long at that point, and I know his ex was extremely jealous (she had fits about golfing with his married male friends), and for that matter I was pregnant and emotional, but it still bugged me.

In general the idea of going into a business partnership with any one person who wasn't in the family sounds like a bad idea to me though, male or female.  I've heard too many nightmare stories of one stealing from the business to bother with something like that, unless maybe it was something like a large legal or accounting firm, etc.

[Guest]

36 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I would be bothered and I am plain looking. My cousin (runs his own business) abandoned his beautiful first wife and their kids for an employee. Jeff Bezos dumped MacKenzie. My late uncle had a string of one night stands while married. Cheaters will cheat but my husband would be more concerned with malicious gossip and slander especially in this age of social media. 

That is a good point. I hadn’t thought of that. But you’re right; what if they are working late into the night on a big deal? Ordering take-out and working until 2 am? It could be interpreted badly even if it is 100% righteous. 

[Selkie]

Nope, I would not be okay with it, even though dh and I have a strong marriage and he has never given me reason to worry in our 30 years together. But I have seen way too many situations where someone is blindsided by their spouse's affair after thinking their marriage was absolutely solid...

[Scarlett]

It would bother me regardless of how attractive she was or how attractive or unattractive I am. True cheaters who look for ways to cheat —they are always going to be cheaters.  But other men, human, flawed men, who have every intention of staying faithful— that is the type of situation that sets these men up to fail.  I have seen so many good men destroy their families over  situations like that.  Or even if they manage to keep their family together, the fallout can linger for years.  

Edited June 28, 2020 by Scarlett

[TravelingChris]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

I'm generally not jealous but I was bothered when DH had to travel internationally with an unmarried female co-worker (who wasn't attractive at all, and now that I think about it possibly not interested in men).  This probably had more to do with the fact that he concealed it from me until I met them at the airport, referring to her as "a coworker" in a predominantly male field, never by name.  Which should have been a clue because he usually tells work stories using everyone's name, even people I've never met.  We hadn't been married long at that point, and I know his ex was extremely jealous (she had fits about golfing with his married male friends), and for that matter I was pregnant and emotional, but it still bugged me.

In general the idea of going into a business partnership with any one person who wasn't in the family sounds like a bad idea to me though, male or female.  I've heard too many nightmare stories of one stealing from the business to bother with something like that, unless maybe it was something like a large legal or accounting firm, etc.

I think that going into business with family members is particularly tricky.  My daughter's in-laws  have been having great problems because it is a family business.  I have known many people with family businesses that have had issues and with families,   you can end up losing the family connection as well as the business one.

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

I think that going into business with family members is particularly tricky.  My daughter's in-laws  have been having great problems because it is a family business.  I have known many people with family businesses that have had issues and with families,   you can end up losing the family connection as well as the business one.

True story. It happened here! 

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, Tap said:

I would be more concerned about flirtatious personality than just looks. Gorgeous people aren't necessarily more willing to have an affair than people who are more neutral looking. I would say that if anything, they are more used to putting off unwanted attention, because they are used to it. A person who is more neutral looking, may be more reactive to attention; especially  if they aren't used to the constant flattery and attempts to physically connect. 

This.  There are a lot of people who "just won't go there" in their thoughts.  You can see it in their demeanor - especially in the sense that they really are there to talk business, not to flirt.  Even more personal talk is not "intimate" talk. 

[KungFuPanda]

No. My husband got a motorcycle. Apparently it’s either a motorcycle or a woman. 🤣 (A friend told me this with a straight face. 😭)

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

No. My husband got a motorcycle. Apparently it’s either a motorcycle or a woman. 🤣 (A friend told me this with a straight face. 😭)

Shew! Mine has more than one motocycle, so I’m in the clear, too! 😄

[marbel]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

That is a good point. I hadn’t thought of that. But you’re right; what if they are working late into the night on a big deal? Ordering take-out and working until 2 am? It could be interpreted badly even if it is 100% righteous. 

I think this is a big problem in our culture - that it's assumed if a man and woman are working alone together there is something else going on. That's why you have men who refuse to ever be alone with a woman who is not their wife/other relative.   People also assume it about friendships.

This has been a topic in our house recently, not because of anything going on with us, but because of some controversy we have been reading about, related to a Christian author who, as it happens, wrote a book on male/female friendships, though that is not the focus of the controversy. 

Anyway, back to the original question, I am as certain as I can be that my husband is one who would never go there as another poster said. He has had the opportunity to work closely with some very attractive women - both physically attractive and intellectually brilliant, neither of which I am. I would not be any more concerned about a beautiful business partner than I would any potential business partner. And more than the fear of an affair, fear of the partnership going sideways.

Edited June 28, 2020 by marbel

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, marbel said:

I

Anyway, back to the original question, I am as certain as I can be that my husband is one who would never go there as another poster said. He has had the opportunity to work closely with some very attractive women - both physically attractive and intellectually brilliant, neither of which I am. I would not be any more concerned about a beautiful business partner than I would any potential business partner. And more than the fear of an affair, fear of the partnership going sideways.

I feel that way about my husband too. However part of that is because he and I set our lives up in a way that prevents situations from getting out of hand. We certainly are not fanatics. But we do avoid being alone with the opposite sex.  We also avoid emotional or personal conversations via text with the opposite sex. 

[Joker]

What do people mean when they say they avoid being alone with the opposite sex in regards to work?

My dh wouldn’t have his job if he avoided ever being alone with women. It seems like it could end up being really unfair but maybe you don’t truly mean they completely avoid being alone with the opposite sex. I have never had reason to worry about it with dh and he does have to travel here and there and often there are female employees traveling as well.  His boss for three years was female so he definitely couldn’t avoid ever being alone with her. I don’t know, just seems like a weird statement in regards to work and careers. He does opt out of after work/conference get togethers and happy hours  if it’s a trip where I didn’t tag along though. He doesn’t like the after work drinking/socializing if he’s alone.

[catz]

My husband works/travels with younger and better looking women than me regularly (although not during covid times - he's at home 24-7).  It doesn't even occur to me to be bothered about it.  I don't even think he notices or cares.  My husband is athletic and a looker for his age.  

Edited June 28, 2020 by FuzzyCatz

[easypeasy]

I'd be fine with it. Cheaters gonna cheat - whether they are presented with someone super-hot, super-convenient, or super-compatible. I'm not going to police all avenues. *shrug*
 

I always go back to the fact that Arnold Schwartzaneggar (sp?) cheated on the super-beautiful, super-connected, super-good-at-her-job, mother of his Kennedy-hybrid children with a (conventionally) unattractive household employee. I doubt Maria was "threatened" by the long-term mistress... but it sure happened anyway!

[Hannah]

My dh and I both work for big corporates.  We keep each other informed of whom we've had business lunches with and whom we're travelling with.   We have both been on international business trips with people of the opposite sex which included social time over weekends.  

If he were thinking of going into partnership with someone, he would take my advise on their suitability.  A business partnership is a trust relationship as much as a marriage in my view.  And you probably spend more time with your business partner than your marriage partner, especially a start-up business.  If your life partner doesn't trust you with your business partner, its a recipe for disaster.

I would NOT go into business with family.  I have a very dear friend who is CEO of a very successful family business.  She was appointed as his successor by her father.  Her older brother also works in the business.  It is a minefield when it comes to family relationships.

Edited June 28, 2020 by Hannah
grammar

[Dainty]

I would be pretty upset with myself at the thought of denying a person an opportunity based on their looks and/or gender or because I'm worried about what people think.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

My husband (who is pretty attractive) is one of the few males in a female dominated workplace.  I am not worried about his behavior or that of his co-workers. 

I was one of the few females in a male dominated workplace in the past.  Actually trips and conferences etc. were an excuse that some co-workers took for affairs but I was told by my male co-workers that they (and their wives) were glad when I was the one assigned to go on the trip because they knew that they were safe with me.  (I wasn't the most beautiful person out there but I was not unattractive at that time of life either).  They were safe because I was not flirtatious and did not respond to those kind of signals from others. 

[bolt.]

I wouldn't be bothered.

I, like many of you, am as reasonably certain as I can be that my husband is not the straying type.

However, unlike most of you, I genuinely feel like if it ever turns out that he'd rather not be with me... I'd rather find out sooner than later. If he wants to go, he can go. I'm the kind of person who could live through a divorce, although I'd rather not live through an affair first. (And, if it turns out that it's actually plain-stupid physical attraction that breaks the marriage I think I have, well, that would tell me -- retroactively -- that I was under quite a few misconceptions about the marriage and my partner.)

So, yeah, if proximity to a gorgeous business partner is going to be a problem, there always was a problem. A marriage problem, or a character problem, or both. If that is a problem that I have (and I don't know about) I'd rather just know. I'd rather know it so that we could wrap up the less-committed-than-I thought marriage instead of continually trying to dodge the fruit of the problem by avoiding business partnerships based on looks. That's dumb.

Again, I genuinely believe that my husband is exactly as committed as I think he is. (But I'm not surprised, as I explore my own thoughts with the experiment, "What if he's not who I think he is that way?" -- that my answer is, "Then I'd like him out of my life, please.")

So, opportunities for truth about faithfulness in my marriage for my spouse don't bother me. Truth is always welcome.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Joker said:

What do people mean when they say they avoid being alone with the opposite sex in regards to work?

My dh wouldn’t have his job if he avoided ever being alone with women. It seems like it could end up being really unfair but maybe you don’t truly mean they completely avoid being alone with the opposite sex. I have never had reason to worry about it with dh and he does have to travel here and there and often there are female employees traveling as well.  His boss for three years was female so he definitely couldn’t avoid ever being alone with her. I don’t know, just seems like a weird statement in regards to work and careers. He does opt out of after work/conference get togethers and happy hours  if it’s a trip where I didn’t tag along though. He doesn’t like the after work drinking/socializing if he’s alone.

What do you when you say they are alone together? 

[Scarlett]

I will say that the partnership itself would not bother me....a lot of it would depend on what the business was and how much time they needed to spend together, especially alone.  

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, Katy said:

I'm generally not jealous but I was bothered when DH had to travel internationally with an unmarried female co-worker (who wasn't attractive at all, and now that I think about it possibly not interested in men).  This probably had more to do with the fact that he concealed it from me until I met them at the airport, referring to her as "a coworker" in a predominantly male field, never by name.  Which should have been a clue because he usually tells work stories using everyone's name, even people I've never met.  We hadn't been married long at that point, and I know his ex was extremely jealous (she had fits about golfing with his married male friends), and for that matter I was pregnant and emotional, but it still bugged me.

In general the idea of going into a business partnership with any one person who wasn't in the family sounds like a bad idea to me though, male or female.  I've heard too many nightmare stories of one stealing from the business to bother with something like that, unless maybe it was something like a large legal or accounting firm, etc.

I was that co-worker once.  I was traveling with my boss...and when we got home he very deliberately ran out and jumped in the car when his wife drove up to get him....never even looked back at me or said good bye.  No surprise when I discovered he was a massive serial cheater and no surprise when he began hitting on me.  
 

not saying that your husband was like my boss though,,,but yeah, it was very weird and it made me go hmmmm.....

[Scarlett]

15 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I wouldn't be bothered.

I, like many of you, am as reasonably certain as I can be that my husband is not the straying type.

However, unlike most of you, I genuinely feel like if it ever turns out that he'd rather not be with me... I'd rather find out sooner than later. If he wants to go, he can go. I'm the kind of person who could live through a divorce, although I'd rather not live through an affair first. (And, if it turns out that it's actually plain-stupid physical attraction that breaks the marriage I think I have, well, that would tell me -- retroactively -- that I was under quite a few misconceptions about the marriage and my partner.)

So, yeah, if proximity to a gorgeous business partner is going to be a problem, there always was a problem. A marriage problem, or a character problem, or both. If that is a problem that I have (and I don't know about) I'd rather just know. I'd rather know it so that we could wrap up the less-committed-than-I thought marriage instead of continually trying to dodge the fruit of the problem by avoiding business partnerships based on looks. That's dumb.

Again, I genuinely believe that my husband is exactly as committed as I think he is. (But I'm not surprised, as I explore my own thoughts with the experiment, "What if he's not who I think he is that way?" -- that my answer is, "Then I'd like him out of my life, please.")

So, opportunities for truth about faithfulness in my marriage for my spouse don't bother me. Truth is always welcome.

But you don’t believe that the right circumstances can lead good people on a disastrous path?  Just basically if he ever did it then I don’t want to be married to him any way.?

[Carol in Cal.]

Having worked in male dominated professions most of my adult life, I’ve been that woman.

And it would bother me.

I’ve never cheated, but I know how compelling it can be to work on something together and build/accomplish great things as a team.  It’s a very specific closeness that can be pretty intense.  In a corporate setting that ebbs and flows; job ‘connections’ change and no working relationship is permanent.  That’s quite different from a business partnership in which by definition you are a team for the life of the business.  I would not want to do that with a man other than my husband, and I wouldn’t want him to do that with a woman other than me.  And he and I, although we are a good team in many ways, have such different work styles that we would drive each other nuts as business partners; so it’s sole proprietorship all the way for me.

[Joker]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

What do you when you say they are alone together? 

Normal work stuff - meetings, lunches, some travel, etc. Same encounters I myself would have when I was working. Nothing big so when people state they make sure to never be alone with the opposite sex in regards to work I’m confused what they mean. 

[marbel]

19 minutes ago, Joker said:

Normal work stuff - meetings, lunches, some travel, etc. Same encounters I myself would have when I was working. Nothing big so when people state they make sure to never be alone with the opposite sex in regards to work I’m confused what they mean. 

So, some people will not eat lunch alone with a coworker of the opposite sex.  Or meet in a closed-door office, or in an otherwise-empty office building. They will not drive anywhere with a member of the opposite sex. If traveling, they will not travel to the airport together and will endeavor not to sit together on the plane. They will not meet in anything but a public setting while traveling. Etc. 

I don't live that way myself and I know only a few people who do. Mostly I have read of people's philosophy on this. It can be very difficult to live/work that way because it leaves one open to being mocked and may reduce opportunities. But for some people, being made fun of and/or experiencing fewer opportunities for work advancement are less important than living in a way that leaves no questions about their behavior.

 

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, Joker said:

Normal work stuff - meetings, lunches, some travel, etc. Same encounters I myself would have when I was working. Nothing big so when people state they make sure to never be alone with the opposite sex in regards to work I’m confused what they mean. 

I don’t really see a need for lunches alone together....but maybe there is some need.....as far as meetings alone I assume you mean in an office environment,  not in a building or home with no one else around.  Traveling alone with a male co worker is something I would never do again although I did it a lot in my youth.  
 

My xh told me during our divorce that it really bothered him,  but he didn’t want to be the jealous husband.  I am thinking he should have been honest... but regardless I was not the one who had the affair, he was.  I do know though that it is a miracle I didn’t because I was very unhappy in my marriage and I had a lot of men hitting on me.  

Edited June 28, 2020 by Scarlett
Left out import word.....NOT

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

So, some people will not eat lunch alone with a coworker of the opposite sex.  Or meet in a closed-door office, or in an otherwise-empty office building. They will not drive anywhere with a member of the opposite sex. If traveling, they will not travel to the airport together and will endeavor not to sit together on the plane. They will not meet in anything but a public setting while traveling. Etc. 

I don't live that way myself and I know only a few people who do. Mostly I have read of people's philosophy on this. It can be very difficult to live/work that way because it leaves one open to being mocked and may reduce opportunities. But for some people, being made fun of and/or experiencing fewer opportunities for work advancement are less important than living in a way that leaves no questions about their behavior.

 

I don’t think it needs to be a big deal.   It never causes Dh or myself any embarrassment.... and we aren’t hard nosed about it.  I mean a few months back my male co worker and I had to go to an attorneys office to act as witnesses for something for my boss....it was a 5 minute drive and I rode with him...no big deal.  And we are often alone in our front offices.....but the shop has other employees in it.  

[marbel]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I don’t think it needs to be a big deal.   It never causes Dh or myself any embarrassment.... and we aren’t hard nosed about it.  I mean a few months back my male co worker and I had to go to an attorneys office to act as witnesses for something for my boss....it was a 5 minute drive and I rode with him...no big deal.  And we are often alone in our front offices.....but the shop has other employees in it.  

Well, right, I'm not saying it's a big deal for everyone; it is for some.  And particularly if it is not a strict policy for you, as it is for some people. 

[mom2scouts]

I wouldn't be OK with it. I watched a friend's family be devastated by a situation like that. I never in a million years would've thought he'd leave his wife and she trusted him completely. When he started the business he was so happy and the wealthy, single divorced woman he worked with suddenly looked way more attractive than the house payment and the dog, the third child he insisted they have, the teen son developing a mental illness, and the woman he'd been with for years.

[BusyMom5]

My gut says it would bother me, but it would depend on the type of partnership.   For example if my DH was an attorney or accountant,  and the partner was a new attorney or accountant that expected to have her own clients, but share a building, secretary,  ect that probably wouldn't bother me. 

I've got a family member who has cheated multiple times with various wives- hes been married many times.  His current wife was a co worker- both of them cheated in their spouses with each other on business trips, then divorcedand got married when she got PG with his kid.  I have no idea how they trust the other.  

[Bootsie]

I wouldn't be bothered by it.  I want my husband to be happy, productive, and fulfilled.  I think a husband who is happy and feels supportive is much less likely to be a husband who is looking for an affair than a husband who feels like he has a suspicious wife who doesn't trust him and doesn't feel secure in their relationship.

Maybe my perspective is different in that I know a lot of situations where happily married people work with the opposite sex.  I have male colleagues who I have known since grad school (actually one since elementary school); I wouldn't think twice about going to lunch with them to discuss a research product or going to dinner together if we were attending the same conference.  DH has had female colleagues he has been working on a project with.  I have a male colleague I wrote a book with and we spent many hours working together--and our two families are very close.  I know male physicians who work right along side female physicians.  Our neighbor runs an extremely successful consulting business with his female partner.  

[EmseB]

I know people who were surprised by their own infidelity...as in it was never ever something they would think of themselves as capable of, and yet, they spent a lot of time with someone who grew on them and it happened. I mean, eventually over the course of events it wasn't a surprise like, oops I just fell down and there she was, but the actual overall occurrence for someone in a happy marriage that loved their family. I think it can happen to anyone.

I would not be okay with the situation, but my husband and I are on the same page as far as that goes.

[Frances]

3 hours ago, Joker said:

What do people mean when they say they avoid being alone with the opposite sex in regards to work?

My dh wouldn’t have his job if he avoided ever being alone with women. It seems like it could end up being really unfair but maybe you don’t truly mean they completely avoid being alone with the opposite sex. I have never had reason to worry about it with dh and he does have to travel here and there and often there are female employees traveling as well.  His boss for three years was female so he definitely couldn’t avoid ever being alone with her. I don’t know, just seems like a weird statement in regards to work and careers. He does opt out of after work/conference get togethers and happy hours  if it’s a trip where I didn’t tag along though. He doesn’t like the after work drinking/socializing if he’s alone.

As a woman who has always studied and worked in very male dominated fields, it would be almost impossible for me to have a job if I could never be alone with a man who is not my husband. I regularly attend meetings where I am the only woman and travel to some of them with one man and eat lunch with one man, etc. I regularly have one on one meetings with men. All of this is during the work day. My work does not involve socializing after or outside of work. 

[Paige]

I don't think I would care based on looks alone. It would depend on her personality and situation and if that was such that I'd be concerned I'd have figured it out and been ok with it by the time the business was launched or DH and I would have bigger problems of our own. 

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

14 minutes ago, Frances said:

As a woman who has always studied and worked in very male dominated fields, it would be almost impossible for me to have a job if I could never be alone with a man who is not my husband. I regularly attend meetings where I am the only woman and travel to some of them with one man and eat lunch with one man, etc. I regularly have one on one meetings with men. All of this is during the work day. My work does not involve socializing after or outside of work. 

Here, too, although some outside socializing is the norm as well.

That’s why I think my opinion is particularly en pointe.  Work together?  Sure.  Business partners?  Maybe not so much.  There’s a reason they call some relationships ‘office marriages’.  That kind of togetherness can be extremely compelling.

[EmseB]

I don't really understand the people saying they are sure they or their partners would never cheat or are incapable of cheating. I wonder, do you (general) think people who were cheated on were in marriages where they were thinking their spouse *would* do such a thing? Because I know for a fact that isn't the case for a lot of people.

I'm not trying to cast aspersions on anyone's spouse or relationship, but I bet the percentage of people who thought their spouse would never cheat and yet were cheated on is not small.

[Jean in Newcastle]

10 minutes ago, EmseB said:

I don't really understand the people saying they are sure they or their partners would never cheat or are incapable of cheating. I wonder, do you (general) think people who were cheated on were in marriages where they were thinking their spouse *would* do such a thing? Because I know for a fact that isn't the case for a lot of people.

I'm not trying to cast aspersions on anyone's spouse or relationship, but I bet the percentage of people who thought their spouse would never cheat and yet were cheated on is not small.

My husband and I are capable of any sin just like anyone. But some sins are a bigger decision to stray from our values and convictions.  I trust my husband’s relationship with the Lord. I also trust him in the small decisions that are in play before the big one of infidelity. Those same small decisions are the ones that keep me from mental infidelity and in crossing of other boundaries that protect my marriage. If I can have those boundaries, so can my husband. He isn’t somehow more at the mercy of his libido than I am. 

[hjffkj]

11 minutes ago, EmseB said:

I don't really understand the people saying they are sure they or their partners would never cheat or are incapable of cheating. I wonder, do you (general) think people who were cheated on were in marriages where they were thinking their spouse *would* do such a thing? Because I know for a fact that isn't the case for a lot of people.

I'm not trying to cast aspersions on anyone's spouse or relationship, but I bet the percentage of people who thought their spouse would never cheat and yet were cheated on is not small.

 

I am one of the people certain my dh would never cheat and I'm certain I would never cheat either.  I doubt I can accurately explain how I know that but I will try to explain using words other people have said in this post.  In regards to temptation and attractiveness.  Since meeting dh, I have legitimately not found another man attractive.  I can recognize what is attractive about certain men if that is the topic of the conversation but I do not actually feel an attraction to other men.  I never look, not because I think it is wrong to look but because it doesn't cross my mind to do so.  I only have eyes for dh.  I have many male friends and at least one of them is a person I would confide in the same I would with a close female friend.  The closeness is there relationship wise but there is no boundary to cross because it simply isn't a temptation even when dh and I were separated for a brief time because of a particularly bad year. Dh has proved many times over that this is how he feels about me as well. 

I can't speak for what other people were thinking in regards to their spouses who ended up cheating on them.  But I can say that of the many relationships that I've seen deal with cheating looking in from the outside it was never surprising.  I know many seemingly decent people who ended up cheating but that aspect of their personality was always there.  It wasn't something that accidentally happened because they happened to put themselves in the wrong situation.  

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Having worked in male dominated professions most of my adult life, I’ve been that woman.

And it would bother me.

I’ve never cheated, but I know how compelling it can be to work on something together and build/accomplish great things as a team.  It’s a very specific closeness that can be pretty intense.  In a corporate setting that ebbs and flows; job ‘connections’ change and no working relationship is permanent.  That’s quite different from a business partnership in which by definition you are a team for the life of the business.  I would not want to do that with a man other than my husband, and I wouldn’t want him to do that with a woman other than me.  And he and I, although we are a good team in many ways, have such different work styles that we would drive each other nuts as business partners; so it’s sole proprietorship all the way for me.

I think that’s how marriage destruction often happens. I think most marriages go through rough patches, right? Mine has. I can appreciate how it could go if either/both working partners are having a rough patch at home and then you work on a project with your work partner and you get that exhilaration of working on XYZ together and it turns out brilliantly...so now the Halo Effect is shining over your work partner and your problematic spouse at home is really looking dingy by comparison. 

FWIW, I haven’t been cheated on AFAIK and I haven’t strayed either, but I never thought it was wise to be so certain that that could never happen in my marriage. I would venture a guess that at least half, maybe more, of spouses who were victims of infidelity did not think that could ever happen. Or even for the spouse who cheated: I think probably at least some, maybe many, don’t think they could ever cheat. But they don’t guard against situations that make it more likely and then, at least some of the time, something develops. 

[marbel]

7 minutes ago, Quill said:

 But they don’t guard against situations that make it more likely and then, at least some of the time, something develops. 

I guess this is why I feel pretty confident that my husband will not cheat on me, and completely confident that I won't on him. We don't put ourselves in positions where it's going to happen. We also place a great deal of importance on personal integrity, and staying true to our vows is part of that. And, both of us had bad experiences either with infidelity or the threat of it in our previous marriages, so we know how that feels.  We've also seen the destruction it has caused to other families.

And then there's what Jean said just a little upthread which I could not improve upon.

I don't mean to sound arrogant like "oh I KNOW it could never happen" but I am completely confident in myself and as confident in my husband as I can ever be about another person. 

[Joker]

7 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Well, I think in terms of "the percentage of people who thought their spouse would never cheat...." it's important to know that lots of folks lie to themselves.  What I mean is that no one wants to think the worse of the person they are in love with.  And even if there are a million red flags flying all over the place, people still tell themselves "well he would never do that."  I once listened to a call from the Dave Ramsey Show where a lady called in and starting talking about her DH sleeping over at his ex-wife's house "for the kids."  So yes, I would expect that most people in loving relationships think and/or want to think that their spouses could never do that.

 

For me, I can say my belief is based on much more than trust.  It's based on knowledge of my DH as a person.  If he were married to someone else and I was a close friend, I would say the same thing.  There is a loyalty and "true to word" sort of factor in my DH that wouldn't allow him to cheat.  It's not that I am confident he would never cheat on me..........it's that I am confident that he would never cheat on anyone.  

The is exactly how I feel about dh as well. Just couldn’t put it into words as clear as you!

[brehon]

I’m always intrigued by this type of question. In my line of work, I’ve had male  partners more than female partners. I didn’t plan it that way; it’s just how the cookie has crumbled in my career. I’ve worked at stand-alone stations (just my partner and me) and at fire stations (me, my partner, and 4-6 firemen {yes, men; they’ve all been male}).

My partner and I spend one-third of our lives together. We eat together, work together, curse, sweat, etc together. Just the two of us.  We do have separate bedrooms in my current station, but there are 3 stations where the EMS crew sleeps together in the same room. When I was stationed in a firehouse, I was almost always the only female there. So, I ate, worked, etc with 5-7 other males.

Never once in almost a quarter century have I been tempted to cheat on my husband. Never once has any male I’ve worked with — partner or firefighter — been inappropriate with me. Never once has there been any insinuation of inappropriateness against me or my partners.

I’ve also attended various medical conferences with both male and female colleagues. We’ve gone out for drinks/meals, sometimes in mixed company, sometimes not. Again, no hint of impropriety by anyone.

 

 

[bolt.]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

But you don’t believe that the right circumstances can lead good people on a disastrous path?  Just basically if he ever did it then I don’t want to be married to him any way.?

Basically yes. If he ever did that, I don't want to be married to him in any way shape or form.

I feel that way while still agreeing that yes, bad circumstances can lead good people to cheat on their spouses...it's just (a) I wouldn't want to be married to that particular good person -- I'd wish him well in his new life and hope he continued to be a good father to our children, and (b) I would consider a divorce under those circumstances to be a brutal season, but not a "disastrous path" -- life goes on.

[hjffkj]

35 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Well, I think in terms of "the percentage of people who thought their spouse would never cheat...." it's important to know that lots of folks lie to themselves.  What I mean is that no one wants to think the worse of the person they are in love with.  And even if there are a million red flags flying all over the place, people still tell themselves "well he would never do that."  I once listened to a call from the Dave Ramsey Show where a lady called in and starting talking about her DH sleeping over at his ex-wife's house "for the kids."  So yes, I would expect that most people in loving relationships think and/or want to think that their spouses could never do that.

 

For me, I can say my belief is based on much more than trust.  It's based on knowledge of my DH as a person.  If he were married to someone else and I was a close friend, I would say the same thing.  There is a loyalty and "true to word" sort of factor in my DH that wouldn't allow him to cheat.  It's not that I am confident he would never cheat on me..........it's that I am confident that he would never cheat on anyone.  

 

This states my reasons better than I could. Loyalty is a key component.  Dh is loyal to everyone close to him and  would never wrong any of them.  It is who he is.  So, when I say he has proved it to me it isn't that he's had to do anything other than show me who he is time and time again.