Ways to improve your Emotional Intelligence

[Ginevra]

If you have increased your emotional intelligence in any area, how did you do it? How intentional were you about it? How did you remember to work on it regularly, especially when emotions are high? 

[catz]

I did about 3-4 months of talk therapy with PPD after my first was born and that led to reading a few related books, and that made a HUGE difference in me being able to identify unhealthy functioning of those around and put up clean boundaries.   It also helped me much healthier about identifying and dealing with my own emotions in positive ways.   

Anyway - highly recommend for those that had any level of dysfunction in their childhood and struggles with this.   I will say, I do wish I were better at making and maintaining friendships over the years.   I have lots of acquaintance type friends. 

[Guest]

Thank you for that video! I fell down the rabbit hole...

[Rosie_0801]

To my way of thinking, there is two parts to emotional intelligence: Understanding others and understanding ourselves.

There are products on the market for both; everything from self help books to soap operas to wellness apps; diagnostic tools and partial solutions.

As an Aspie kid, whose mother tried her very best to teach NT manners, with only partial success, it's a way of life.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

To my way of thinking, there is two parts to emotional intelligence: Understanding others and understanding ourselves.

There are products on the market for both; everything from self help books to soap operas to wellness apps; diagnostic tools and partial solutions.

As an Aspie kid, whose mother tried her very best to teach NT manners, with only partial success, it's a way of life.

I’m usually good with the self-aware aspect but much less good with the social awareness aspect. 

And I hear ya on moms trying to teach NT manners to non-NT kids...

[Rosie_0801]

43 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m usually good with the self-aware aspect but much less good with the social awareness aspect. 

 

People are weird. What can one do? 🤷‍♀️ lol. I think the key to the social awareness thing is to confirm people's self perceptions, especially when they won't do the same for you. It's not a great system, really.

 

And I hear ya on moms trying to teach NT manners to non-NT kids...

And the Aspie kid says "You mean the polite thing to do is be utterly rude to this person? How can I be expected to make sense of that?" Coz I'm sure it isn't just me. 🤣

[Jentrovert]

The first thing I did to begin learning about emotional intelligence was marry someone on the spectrum, unbeknownst to either of us. Next, another big chunk of my deficiences in emotional intelligence was revealed by having a traumatic pregnancy and stillbirth. 

I can't say that I really recommend this path. 

Therapy and books have so far brought me/us far enough to be able to function well (sometimes it feels, very well) in a neurodiverse relationship. I still have issues, though, especially relating to the stillbirth. And it takes work every single day for me to work through my emotions and expectations in order to maintain reasonable happiness in our relationship. Though dh is content regardless, he also puts in an incredible amount of work because he can see an improvement for us both when he does. This is a recent development, due primarily to his own reading and talking with a therapist qualified in the area of neurodiverse relationships.

An extra layer of necessity was added with the addition of dd who is on the spectrum as well. I guess I remember to work on it because it's simply in my face every day, kwim? I can't *not* work on it. I had thought I was doing fairly well, but my relationship with her has demanded a higher level of EI. I am nowhere near where I need/want to be. 

I've learned a lot from this board, therapy, books, and from dh (understanding where non-NT people are coming from. As his EI increases, he's better able to pinpoint and explain differences in thinking, which has helped both of us tremendously.) The biggest payoffs have been from the therapists.

 

[Guest]

@Jentrovert, I’m so sorry. As someone who also had a traumatic birth and didn’t go home with a living baby, I agree, that’s not one of the better paths to EI. 

[Jentrovert]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

@Jentrovert, I’m so sorry. As someone who also had a traumatic birth and didn’t go home with a living baby, I agree, that’s not one of the better paths to EI. 

((((Hug)))) Thank you. I'm sorry you've experienced it too.

It's hard to consider anything a "bright side", but for both better and worse, I'm a different person than I was before. The better is that I'm more empathetic and appreciative; less demanding of myself and others; and have better perspective about what really matters.

Still, it's a path I'm sure neither of us would have chosen.