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Somebody please tell me that I will survive parenting young adults and watching them make mistakes


katilac
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Please. I need to hear all the things. Sometimes stepping back feels like I'm leaving them teetering on the edge of a cliff. 

If you also have a technique or mantra that helps you listen and support but also let go and not think about it for hours on end . . . I'd be grateful. 

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2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Oh, and distance does help.  DD24 lives about 2.5 hrs away.  I don't see all the little day to day "mistakes." lol

Honestly, that’s so, so true. It is one reason I like mine living at the college town, even though it would be possible - not really convenient, but feasible - to live at home and commute for college. Let’s face it; it’s harder to have poor choices right under my eyebrows...and when I say “poor choices,” this could be as simple as I really think studying should be happening for the test this Friday, or I can’t *believe* you think 11:45pm is a perfectly fine time to drive on the beltway! 😬 Not stuff that’s bound to wind anyone up in jail or pregnant, just...not what I would do. 

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2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I don't know how bad the mistakes are your young adults are making, so this may not apply to you, but my mantra when I freak out is:

"Nobody is dead, nobody is sick, nobody is going to jail".

The rest is gravy.

I will say that I was very very worried about my 20 yo this winter. Nothing that would shock people or nothing REALLY bad- just some choices made that were not in his own best interests and would likely cause him trouble at some point. Just making things harder than they needed to be by not making the same decisions a 45 year old woman would make. LOL.

Then Covid hit and things got scarier and more uncertain and more complicated. Then the protests happened and his neighborhood burned (though he and his apartment were ok). 

Then I was REALLY stressed out and wondering what the heck I was so worked up for before all the really bad stuff happened. So, perspective.

 

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2 minutes ago, Quill said:

Honestly, that’s so, so true. It is one reason I like mine living at the college town, even though it would be possible - not really convenient, but feasible - to live at home and commute for college. Let’s face it; it’s harder to have poor choices right under my eyebrows...and when I say “poor choices,” this could be as simple as I really think studying should be happening for the test this Friday, or I can’t *believe* you think 11:45pm is a perfectly fine time to drive on the beltway! 😬 Not stuff that’s bound to wind anyone up in jail or pregnant, just...not what I would do. 

Yes. I couldn't deal with the everyday nature of letting them grow up under my roof. It is sad and I know alot of people make it work but I would lose my mind. Sometimes when I get regretful they are away or when I start thinking next ds should live at home to save money I remember than my sanity can't take it. Dh would be fine but I would not. 

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When my brother was 16 he bought a very wrecked car with the idea that he would re-build it. He did this with his own money (he had a part time job) but he did not get permission from my Dad. When my Dad found out he was not happy but all he said was "It looks like you bought yourself an education". 

In the end my brother did re-build the car but it was a lot more work than he anticipated. And he definitely got an education. 

I remember this story whenever one of my young adults is doing something that I think is a mistake. Things might not work out, but they will at least learn something. And sometimes you have to make the mistake to do so.

Susan in TX

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We have three 18-24 so far.  I admit I enjoy teens and up, but that doesn't mean it hasn't had some nail biters.

Think of it as a coming alongside.  You really don't have to stand back and watch a trainwreck... It's more of a time to pray, to have conversations, to encourage, and to help.  I wonder if you feel as though you must "stand back" and be apart? That would be hard.  We definitely let them "do them" but it isn't in a vacuum, kwim?

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3 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Think of it as a coming alongside.  You really don't have to stand back and watch a trainwreck... It's more of a time to pray, to have conversations, to encourage, and to help.  I wonder if you feel as though you must "stand back" and be apart? That would be hard.  We definitely let them "do them" but it isn't in a vacuum, kwim?

This.
I feel that the ground for a positive relationship with the young adults was laid in the decade before. That's when they learn that you listen to them, take them seriously, respect their autonomy - and that they can come ask for advice which will be given without judgment and without conditions. At least, that's how it worked for mine. Both kids make their own decisions, but are willing to ask and listen to our perspective . This trust is created in all the years leading up to adulthood.

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2 hours ago, Susan in TX said:

I remember this story whenever one of my young adults is doing something that I think is a mistake. Things might not work out, but they will at least learn something. And sometimes you have to make the mistake to do so.

 

I'm in the position that my adult child doesn't seem to learn from his mistakes yet. It's frustrating.

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3 hours ago, regentrude said:

I don't know how bad the mistakes are your young adults are making, so this may not apply to you, but my mantra when I freak out is:

"Nobody is dead, nobody is sick, nobody is going to jail".

The rest is gravy.

My grandpop lost two brothers to accidents. Whenever something would happen as his kids grew up, and things do happen sometimes when you have 10 kids, he would always say, "No one is hurt."

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4 hours ago, katilac said:

but also let go and not think about it for hours on end . . . I'd be grateful. 

I'm all ears. This has always been my weak point. (My kids think my peri-menopausal insomnia on their behalf isn't as horrible as I find it.)

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My oldest is 20. There have been many things he has had to learn the hard way, but he has persevered and we have survived. I think, maybe, I have become a better parent for it. I'm more patient, less likely to jump to the worst conclusion, better at just talking about stuff without passing judgement, etc. It's a hard transition. My husband still struggles with it some---I say that not to malign my husband in any way, but to say that relationships between son and mom and son and dad are very different. It's funny, because my son has been very open about the fact that depending upon what type of thing he wants to share, he chooses which parent to approach first since he has an idea of how we might react. 😄

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One of the things that helped me the most was going to one of DHs college fraternity reunions.  After hearing some of the stories of the serious mistakes his friends had made when young, I saw that they had matured into doctors, lawyers, judges, school principals, missionaries, successful business owners, college professors... 

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7 hours ago, Plum said:

We haven't had too much to complain about with ds20 so far. 

The biggest mistake he's made has been careless driving. He has now been in 3 accidents, 1 rear-end collision (his fault), 1 collision with our garage (he had his truck less than a week), and 1 side-swipe (his fault). He beats himself up pretty bad. It's a miracle our insurance hasn't gone up. The last one was only a few days ago, so we shall see. He has until the end of the week to get some insurance quotes for his own separate account far far away from us. lol He has to ask what classes or if there is anything he can do to reduce the cost. Taking him off might raise our insurance anyway because we have a multi-car discount. At the very least, he will have to pay the difference if our insurance is raised. He so needs some heavy consequences though. Paying deductibles isn't cutting it. All I can do is thank my lucky stars he hasn't injured anyone. 

 

That’s scary.  

Could there be an underlying cause other than carelessness?  

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8 hours ago, regentrude said:

I don't know how bad the mistakes are your young adults are making, so this may not apply to you, but my mantra when I freak out is:

"Nobody is dead, nobody is sick, nobody is going to jail".

The rest is gravy.

 

I like this plus “no one is hurt.”

 

I have “it is his life” as a help in some circumstances 

also a Buddhist mantra that I like ...

and “first listen and seek to understand.”

 

 

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13 hours ago, regentrude said:

I don't know how bad the mistakes are your young adults are making, so this may not apply to you, but my mantra when I freak out is:

"Nobody is dead, nobody is sick, nobody is going to jail".

The rest is gravy.

Absolutely this. 

We're fortunate that both our daughters come to us for advise and we try to be as non-judgemental as possible of their choices.  I like being 'right' and I'm also a fixer, so I need to be very mindful of allowing them to learn through their own (non life threatening) mistakes.  I remind myself that the relationship comes first.

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I have to remind myself how important it was to me to be able to make my own decisions and mistakes when I was in my early 20's.

I also find mentally distancing myself from their decisions (positive and negative) helps. I only give advice when asked and I do not take it personally when they do not take my advice (my parents did that and it led to relationship issues). When giving advice, I try to make my comments more about the decision than about them and try to help them look at the big picture/long term consequences because it seems they have a harder time with this. I struggle. My DSs are much more inclined to be risk-takers than I am and it is hard for me to watch sometimes.

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Yes, we had our issues a few years back, but thankfully it was something they admitted and were willing to work through. They are both still in college and live with me, so they drive places I don't know about and make their own associations. Their grades are excellent, and their friends are solid citizen types. It's good now. 

I understand the nail-biting stress though. 

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you will survive.  their mistakes are not your mistakes.  don't take it personally.

says the woman who just ticked off a child who is now so upset/angry s/he's not speaking to me.

eta: update, we were able to exchange notes, and I wasn't home this afternoon when they dropped by to talk to me.  so, communicate, communicate, communicate.

Edited by gardenmom5
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I only have a 19 year old (and a mature 16 year old) but we have a good relationship. I think less about giving my opinion and more about discussing "are you sure you can make the payment on that model of car?  Let me know if you need help laying out a budget and punching numbers." "If you take 20 credits this semester, are you sure you'll have enough time to X and Y?"   My dad always used the  5 year rule.  If something won't matter in 5 years, it's not worth arguing or losing your head over.  I also think maintain a positive relationship and communicating through the teen years is good set up to a healthier young adult relationship.  Take your teen or young adult as they are and accept what their love language is not as what you'd wish they'd be.  If you're still talking, you're doing better than plenty of parents in this age range.   Guilt trips and assumptions don't go over well for this age range.  

What I'm finding now, it's important for me and it's important for my  kids to have me find my own things in the world.   Social connections, hobbies, job, etc.  Which  is particularly hard during a global pandemic I'm finding considering this was a transitional year for our family with our oldest going to college.  

I hear you!  I actually am another person who was happy to have my oldest go away to college.  He knows he has a home here and we are his biggest cheerleaders, but it's been good for him too.  We still talk/text a bunch.  I'm glad his school has a good plan in place for fall return.  

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23 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

 If you're still talking, you're doing better than plenty of parents in this age range.

What I'm finding now, it's important for me and it's important for my  kids to have me find my own things in the world.   Social connections, hobbies, job, etc.  Which  is particularly hard during a global pandemic

 

I know that mine talk to me far more than some of their friends talk to their parents, so I take that as a complement. Sometimes they tell me about their friends' poor choices which may be a test for me, but is OK. They usually say, "But I would never do that." So I know who had a wild, promiscuous roommate in college and never told their parents, and the one who got drunk on their 21st and passed out on their bedroom floor at home without their parents knowing. Thankfully those kids also worked it through and are on the right path now. They talk about their mistakes with each other and know better how to handle themselves. 

And yes, I have my friends including some that I hear from all the time. Before the virus, I had all kinds of social and volunteer work going on, but of course had to modify that. I have work and friends through work too. 

It's a different phase of parenting, for sure. 

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21 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I wonder if you feel as though you must "stand back" and be apart? 

Nope, not at all. They're fine with talking and listening, but of course that doesn't mean we wind up agreeing. 

I'm not worried about stuff like poor grades or bad financial decisions. And I was definitely a young adult bent on making my own decisions, so I don't at all have the thought that they should be listening to all of my sage advice. It's still stressful, lol. 

Sometimes you just need other people to tell you that they survived and that you will, too. 

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5 hours ago, Donna said:

My DSs are much more inclined to be risk-takers than I am and it is hard for me to watch sometimes.

I've had this issue. What I've done is to acknowledge it to my kids and tell them I'm struggling with X (sometimes adding why), but that's my struggle, not theirs, and they need to make their own decisions. Somehow letting them know I'm actively trying to let them lead their own lives, but it's hard for me, eases the strain. They also know my philosophy that we continue to learn all our lives and I see this as me growing and learning. I've also been known to tell them that parents don't need to know everything the kids do. Some things I just don't want to know! 😂

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The beginning was eldest going off to college.  His college was a small one with a lot of things on paper to make the most concerned parent cozy with the choice.  I expected normal young adult antics, and DS found that, too.  But, I could not convince him that I understood what he was witnessing/taking part in.   It took a year of so for him to realize that I understood, and he opened up more.  

Also, there was the beginning struggle of him returning home and finding out how house rules pertained with him older (another topic, there), but the best convo we had was on his first break:  He was defensive about (of all things) me suggesting he make his sandwich on a napkin/plate instead of the counter.  He quipped, "I've been taking care of myself for 3 months, don't you think I know how to take care of myself?"  Of course, I was thinking, "yeah, having cafeteria food at your beck and call 24/7...", but instead I said something along these lines, "You are changing and growing up at the speed of light.  We all get that.  I am not changing or growing up.  I'm just Mom.  I will continue to be Mom.  The same Mom you had at 12 you also will get at 20.  No apologies, it is a fact.  So, don't take me Mom-ing you as an insult, a threat, or a sign that you need to shut down.  Just know that I am not changing much, but I accept fully that you are."

I couldn't believe how his attitude changed after that!

Still very, very hard to be aware of some choices.  I like the separation of college/living apart IN MY MIND.  My heart hates it, but accepts how it makes it easier to not know many small decisions that would bug the daylights out of me.  I am thrilled when asked for advice, and often I am asked.  I give it.  Then back away.  Lots of practice of turning off my mind.  Practice distracting yourself, even at 3am, and you will get better at it.

Edited by Familia
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Yes you will!

My  4 are all married, and the oldest 2 grandkids are recently  employed with their first summer jobs.  There are moments I just sit back and enjoy watching it all, but they all know we are here for them and the grandkids any time. 

I have earned my gray hair, every single hair. 

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1 hour ago, katilac said:

Nope, not at all. They're fine with talking and listening, but of course that doesn't mean we wind up agreeing. 

I'm not worried about stuff like poor grades or bad financial decisions. And I was definitely a young adult bent on making my own decisions, so I don't at all have the thought that they should be listening to all of my sage advice. It's still stressful, lol. 

Sometimes you just need other people to tell you that they survived and that you will, too. 


Great! My own mom felt I needed to “make my own decision” but it really felt like two very opposite things of - “You’re on your own,” and “WHY did you do that,.” I think she held in her commentary until she couldn’t any longer and it would come pouring out, kwim?

We survived a decision that was rough at the time and I’m still grateful we chose the concept of, “coming alongside” in what was a pretty stressful period of time for all of us. I think it was very bonding if that’s any comfort.

 

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