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Spryte

When you have to do something hard ...

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Something very hard.  Emotionally fraught.  Something that makes your breath catch, and your body react physically... 

How do you make yourself Just. Do. It?

There’s a phone call I need to return.  And the news is going to be very bad, no matter what the news may be.  I can’t see any route to news that will be a relief, only news that will hurt, deep down. Either way, it’s going to feel like a gut punch, and I can’t even hope for one or the other.

I am having a physical, intense reaction to making the call.  

I guess this is more of a whine, vent, procrastination technique.  I just don’t waaaannnnaaaaa.

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What happens if you don't return the call? You go to jail? 

If you already know what it's going to say, then returning the call is politeness. Don't return the call and let them catch up with you later.

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I'm so sorry, that sounds hard.

No good advice, just hugs.

Is waiting and knowing you need to do it worse than getting over the hurdle?

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Just now, PeterPan said:

What happens if you don't return the call? You go to jail? 

If you already know what it's going to say, then returning the call is politeness. Don't return the call and let them catch up with you later.


Oh no.  I won’t go to jail. I don’t know what would happen if I didn’t call.  

I don’t know which way the news will go.  It could be A, which would mean this saga will be on-going but there might be justice at the end.  Which would be bitter, because I’ve essentially lost someone I love regardless of justice. 

Or it could be Z.  Which would mean we are at a dead end, there won’t be justice.  Which would be bitter.  

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How do you make yourself, you said it. Just do it. The sooner it is done, it will be over. 

Practice in front of a mirror or with a trusted person, write down things you want to say, try not be long winded. But all said and done, a gut punch is a gut punch, it is what it is. 

((Hugs)).  You can do it. 

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I seriously do this when I don't want to do something, I say over and over to myself: "I can do hard things."

Once I had to do a painful test at a hospital and the entire time I kept saying, "I can do hard things, I can do hard things, I can do hard things."

It really helped me.

Good luck!

A.

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3 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

Is waiting and knowing you need to do it worse than getting over the hurdle?


No.  Waiting is prolonging it, and I know it.

I just know that either way the news goes, I will dissolve into tears after the call.  There is no good news here.  There isn’t even a neutral.

Maybe I’m waiting to postpone that moment when it descends as real again.

I need to just do it.  

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So sorry, Spryte.  Feeling a bit that way myself today. It's hard when you know the situation is bad and it's out of your hands. With such a phone call, I'd just pray for strength and get it over with. Better to know and start trying to deal with it.  ((Hugs))

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1 minute ago, Spryte said:


No.  Waiting is prolonging it, and I know it.

I just know that either way the news goes, I will dissolve into tears after the call.  There is no good news here.  There isn’t even a neutral.

Maybe I’m waiting to postpone that moment when it descends as real again.

I need to just do it.  

It's ok to cry. It's ok to say it is not fair. It's ok to be angry at injustice. It's ok to grieve. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Somethings are just hard and it sucks that we have to do it. But don't lose sight of the fact that you may have to do what you are procrastinating eventually. ((Hugs)).

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I’m going to ask DH to be in the room with me, I think.  Is that wimpy?

I have to know the answer, I just ... don’t want to know the answer because it means a new chapter.  
 

 

I can do hard things.  I can do hard things.  (Thanks for that.)

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Just now, Spryte said:

I’m going to ask DH to be in the room with me, I think.  Is that wimpy?

I have to know the answer, I just ... don’t want to know the answer because it means a new chapter.  
 

 

I can do hard things.  I can do hard things.  (Thanks for that.)

Absolutely not.  Hold his hand if it is hard. That is the benefit and blessing of having a partner. I do this all the time. Then I ask DH to hold me. Not at all wimpy. A blessing if you have this. 

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((((Spryte))))

In the few times when I've had to work myself up to do a very hard thing or have a hard conversation, it has helped me to remember an idea from C.S. Lewis's book Perelandra, that by this time tomorrow, you will have done it and it will be over, which helps to reduce the emotional aspect of the difficult thing.


Here's the actual quotation: "... when he was screwing up his resolution to go and see a certain man in London and make to him an excessively embarrassing confession which justice demanded... the thing had seemed a sheer impossibility... and then... there had arisen before him with perfect certitude that, the knowledge 'about this time tomorrow you will have done the impossible'..."


I'm so sorry you have such a hard thing to deal with. Hold DH's hand tight, and we will hold you in the light / lift you in prayer.

 

Edited by Lori D.
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6 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I’m going to ask DH to be in the room with me, I think.  Is that wimpy?

I have to know the answer, I just ... don’t want to know the answer because it means a new chapter.  
 

 

I can do hard things.  I can do hard things.  (Thanks for that.)

Not in the least bit wimpy. Take support -- nothing wrong with that!!

A.

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23 minutes ago, Spryte said:


Oh no.  I won’t go to jail. I don’t know what would happen if I didn’t call.  

I don’t know which way the news will go.  It could be A, which would mean this saga will be on-going but there might be justice at the end.  Which would be bitter, because I’ve essentially lost someone I love regardless of justice. 

Or it could be Z.  Which would mean we are at a dead end, there won’t be justice.  Which would be bitter.  

Then I wouldn't bother. Let them put it in writing and mail it to you if it's that important. 

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16 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I’m going to ask DH to be in the room with me, I think.  Is that wimpy?

I have to know the answer, I just ... don’t want to know the answer because it means a new chapter.  
 

 

I can do hard things.  I can do hard things.  (Thanks for that.)

Is this something that can be done IN PERSON? Why over the phone? Or by zoom? 

I agree if you're going to do it, have your support person. Also have a plan to debrief afterward--who you'll talk with, something to eat, etc. 

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33 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I’m going to ask DH to be in the room with me, I think.  Is that wimpy?

I have to know the answer, I just ... don’t want to know the answer because it means a new chapter.  
 

 

I can do hard things.  I can do hard things.  (Thanks for that.)

Spryte, you've got this girl!!!!  It is fine to cry and it is fine to have DH with you!!!

It will just hang over you until you make the call!!!  Just do it!  You can't know what you are dealing with if you don't call.

Catch me up when you can!  I'm praying for you!

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sometimes - knowing that getting it over with will feel better, because it's done.  even if it's unpleasant.

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Thank you.

I made the call. DH sat beside me.

It was the second scenario, with a caveat - some evidence results still not in. So I could be in the same situation at some point in the future, facing another call.

It is, weirdly, some small consolation that even though there likely won’t be justice, I now know the name of the person who likely caused all of this.  I don’t know why, but that’s better than not knowing.  That may change as I process things.

Thanks for the support.

 

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2 hours ago, Spryte said:

Something very hard.  Emotionally fraught.  Something that makes your breath catch, and your body react physically... 

How do you make yourself Just. Do. It?

There’s a phone call I need to return.  And the news is going to be very bad, no matter what the news may be.  I can’t see any route to news that will be a relief, only news that will hurt, deep down. Either way, it’s going to feel like a gut punch, and I can’t even hope for one or the other.

I am having a physical, intense reaction to making the call.  

I guess this is more of a whine, vent, procrastination technique.  I just don’t waaaannnnaaaaa.

The sooner you make the call the sooner that call will be over and you can quit dreading it. 
 

eta: I missed the update. I’m glad it’s over and you had support. 

Edited by KungFuPanda
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@Spryte if I am confusing you with someone else I apologize but if this situation has something to do with the horrible thing that happened to your mother then I am very very sorry that justice is not being served.

 

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8 minutes ago, 4kiddies said:

@Spryte if I am confusing you with someone else I apologize but if this situation has something to do with the horrible thing that happened to your mother then I am very very sorry that justice is not being served.

 


You are not confusing me.  You nailed it.

My mother never recovered from the trauma, and her neurologist says that happens sometimes with elderly and trauma.  So she doesn’t dwell on the event, or even remember it often.  Which is good. But it leaves me processing it, and with a lot of questions.

The investigation gave lots of answers about what happened that night, a timeline, and we even have a probable who.  Just not justice.

I would have liked justice.

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I am so sorry there is no justice. That is the case more often than not, and it really, really hurts. I am praying for you and your dear mom today.

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I would definitely feel better knowing The Who even if justice isn’t coming yet.  Lately, I have seen cases solved years after the assault.  

 

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29 minutes ago, Spryte said:


You are not confusing me.  You nailed it.

My mother never recovered from the trauma, and her neurologist says that happens sometimes with elderly and trauma.  So she doesn’t dwell on the event, or even remember it often.  Which is good. But it leaves me processing it, and with a lot of questions.

The investigation gave lots of answers about what happened that night, a timeline, and we even have a probable who.  Just not justice.

I would have liked justice.

I'm sorry. When you mentioned justice, I thought of your mother. I'm so sorry.

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29 minutes ago, Spryte said:


You are not confusing me.  You nailed it.

My mother never recovered from the trauma, and her neurologist says that happens sometimes with elderly and trauma.  So she doesn’t dwell on the event, or even remember it often.  Which is good. But it leaves me processing it, and with a lot of questions.

The investigation gave lots of answers about what happened that night, a timeline, and we even have a probable who.  Just not justice.

I would have liked justice.

 

I am so sorry you have had to face this again. 

Hopefully more evidence will turn up - people who commit such crimes rarely only do it one time. Hopefully the now-near-identified perpetrator remains under scrutiny of law enforcement.

I believe justice will be rendered one day, by the One who sees all, though that may not give you satisfaction today. 

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So sorry.  It is sad that in cases like this, justice rarely comes.

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3 hours ago, Spryte said:

Something very hard.  Emotionally fraught.  Something that makes your breath catch, and your body react physically... 

How do you make yourself Just. Do. It?

There’s a phone call I need to return.  And the news is going to be very bad, no matter what the news may be.  I can’t see any route to news that will be a relief, only news that will hurt, deep down. Either way, it’s going to feel like a gut punch, and I can’t even hope for one or the other.

I am having a physical, intense reaction to making the call.  

I guess this is more of a whine, vent, procrastination technique.  I just don’t waaaannnnaaaaa.

Sometimes it helps me to work through other, smaller hard things to build up some successes that day at tackling things.

Sometimes it helps to give myself permission to take a few days more before facing it, even if I've been dragging my feet, it's been hanging over me each day & sometimes having a few days 'off' from it helps.

Lining up some emotional support for processing the aftermath can help too.

For facing the unbearable and doing the impossible, there's a gear shift I need to do - it can happen by itself in a crisis, but sometimes I have to get myself there & that's really hard. Naming how hard it is, letting myself feel the fear/grief/anger or other intense emotions and reminding myself that those are valid feelings to have, as is my desire to imitate an ostrich... and then, as others have said, drawing on other times I've done the hard things, affirming to myself that I can do this, it will be hard and painful and I **don't want to**, but I can, and I will.

 

Lots of hugs.

Sometimes there are no okay outcomes & we have to keep going in a world where dreadful things are true.  ...and that can break something inside us & even when we patch ourselves back together, there are scars & our body itself remembers the trauma and grief, even when we think we're okay again.

This is going to be hard, but you're going to get to the other side and be able to rebuild.  You're going to be able to look back and be so proud of yourself for how hard you tried and how much you endured... and you're still here and trying... and getting the things done that need to get done, even if you need to procrastinate a little.  You're brave and strong and amazing.  You can do this.  I wish you didn't have to, and I wish the path to a just outcome were an easy, painless one, or even that justice were guaranteed.  (((Spryte)))

 

ETA: saw your update.  You did it.  I'm glad it's over and you have as much closure as you can.  ...but I'm also so sad for you and your mother.

Edited by Eliana
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I remember the original posts; I am sorry there wasn't a more just outcome to this. Hugs. 

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I also remember. I am so sorry that it appears justice will not be served.  
I also know that just because we cannot physically see justice in our lifetimes doesn’t mean it won’t happen.  This person is now on the police radar, and I guarantee they’ll be watching in case another, similar case comes up.

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3 minutes ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

I also remember. I am so sorry that it appears justice will not be served.  
I also know that just because we cannot physically see justice in our lifetimes doesn’t mean it won’t happen.  This person is now on the police radar, and I guarantee they’ll be watching in case another, similar case comes up.


Thanks.  I just said something similar to DH.  I know if this man’s name appears again, at least this one detective will recognize it and remember my mother.

I did tell her that one of my mom’s friends still living in the facility had a recent experience that was worrying.  The detective actually seemed more concerned than I expected.

It’s been a terrible experience, but I have to say that I am grateful that we’ve had a female detective, who genuinely seems to care for elderly people.  She was certainly irritated at the first police officer that came out and basically blew us off because my mom was 78, and who would do that? 

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I'm so sorry your mother, you and your family are going through this. Hugs. I really hope that there will be justice eventually, and that through your actions others will not be victimized. 

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