gardenmom5 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 person A doesn't like to cook. makes beef bourguignon. person B loves to cook, says they really like it, and since is has so much sauce they add more meat (which requires removing soilds to cook the new meat in the broth before adding everything back together. how do you respond? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Person B shouldn't be putting work on Person A. If Person B wants to take over, fine, but why didn't Person B just make dinner in the first place? I've totally given The Look over crap like that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Person b should have enjoyed the meal as is. If it was normal family culture to butt in then b should have asked and then if allowed done the work. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Personally, as Person A, I'd be happy Person B wanted to take over. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 If person B did that to me, I would walk off and probably take myself out to dinner somewhere. I have a “Person B” at my house, and I have had to learn to stand up for myself and say “no” to him sometimes. He has learned to ask before he “helps” most of the time. Now, if we are talking leftovers, that would be a different story. I would welcome someone making an effort to repurposed or just eat the leftovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 If I am person A and DS15 is person B, he can continue the cooking, eat up hopefully everything, and wash up the dishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Person A and Person B have different feelings about natural-feeling collaboration vs. accepting a kind offering and respecting the personal nature of personal projects. Person A could say, "Hey, B, I know that you enjoyed getting involved and helping out at the end of when I was cooking the beef, but I really felt stepped on. I wanted to manage that project myself, and even if it wasn't as good as we could have done it together because I don't have all the skills yet, I would have been happier. If it happens again, try to remember that I'm thinking of it like I'm making a gift. I don't want you to fix it up before you accept it." And / or Person B could say, "Hey, A, I love cooking together with you. It felt really good to have it in common, especially because I enjoy cooking so much. I was so impressed with (specific good stuff about the meal, the recipe, or the effort), but I'm questioning: was my feedback helpful at the end? I think I might have gotten carried away because I felt good about us working together." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 4 minutes ago, Danae said: Is this before the dish has been served for the first time? If so, I’d be appalled. If the dish has already been served and the leftovers are mostly sauce, then I wouldn’t have a problem with Person B adding more meat for the next iteration. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 I’m person A in this scenario. Person B added their two cents way too often. Person B is now our primary cook. It works out well for us - going on seven years or so with this arrangement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Pretty simple. I'd say, "Great idea, let's do that next time. This time the recipe is made as written, which is what I always do before making adjustments. We'll eat it this way this time, and then decide whether to adjust next time." That way I'm saying yes but I'm saying no, which is a good way to keep the peace AND to personally feel peaceful, and also it does not delay the meal which in my world is not a great thing to do. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 This is the reason that I point blank refuse to make salad. Person B here has a very set idea on how salad should be made. Doesn't matter that there are multiple salad recipes, that person A cannot stand slimy salad cultural differences etc. If person A attempts to make salad, person B will give the third degree how much oil, how much garlic, did you stir before adding radish etc. I - I mean person A after 27 years has had enough. If person B won't make the salad I will just serve straight lettuce. I have not the energy or desire to be interrogated over salad 4 times a week Of course person B doesn't understand this at all. And thinks person A just won't learn or try hard enough and if they only gave them more of the 3rd degree they would see light. Person A does all the cooking 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 I hate cooking. Dh does more of it than I do. He can takeover any time he pleases. Usually tastes better that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Danae said: Is this before the dish has been served for the first time? If so, I’d be appalled. If the dish has already been served and the leftovers are mostly sauce, then I wouldn’t have a problem with Person B adding more meat for the next iteration. If this is the case then I would say thank you to person B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 10, 2020 Author Share Posted June 10, 2020 Yes - I'm A. Dh is B. Yes it was leftover from yesterday - but this reheats well and you serve over fresh potatoes or noodles. He took the other meat and veggies out so they wouldn't over cook as he shoved it back in the oven with more meat and more onions in the broth. the state of my dutch oven isn't pretty either. can you say: baked. on.? Maybe he fished out the meat while eating it last night. (but it was a good sized chunk and fairly lean.) My health isn't the greatest, and I can put all my energy into cooking and literally be too tired to eat when I'm done. I didn't eat much at dinner last night because I had to go lay down before finishing what was on my plate. I would love to never cook again - but person B only cooks if he feels like it, and no one would ever call his meals "nutritionally balanced". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 As a leftover bonus...It wouldn't bother me, unless I specifically wanted the extra broth for something like a topping on rice. I'm not crazy about plain rice or noodles, so I plan a saucy dinner when I make them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I don't think I've ever been so happy DH will happily eat things I think are terrible, and never takes over unless it involves his grill. The kids, OTOH, some days I'm happy they eat anything at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 If it is done with the leftovers, I would take it as a compliment. Person B liked it so much that he was willing to did some work to be able to enjoy even more of it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I don't think I'd give it much thought? This isn't him "correcting" what you made. He decided to make more of it. I'd just be happy that someone other than me made food. If you are too sick to clean the dutch oven, then tell him "Sweetheart, I'm too worn out to clean the dutch oven and need you to do it". 🤷♂️ 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I'd say "Yay! I don't have to cook tomorrow!" The dutch oven can sit and soak. Sounds like you need to find ways to spend less effort on cooking though, so you'll have energy left over for eating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 With it being leftovers I'd be thrilled they were taking initiative to stretch them and take the load off of me. Now, if this was done the first night I cooked it, I'd be annoyed but not in this scenario. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 (edited) I'm still a bit confused by the situation but sounds like the fiddling was done with leftovers, so I would be happy with B's modifications. I'd also expect him to clean up the pan, maybe with direction so it's not wrecked (if needed - in my house, I'm the one more likely to wreck a pan with aggressive cleaning). If B loves to cook, and cooking exhausts you, why not have him take over more? And/or, stop making complicated and/or time-consuming dishes. I love cooking but my work schedule just doesn't permit me to make the meals I'd like to be making (well, that and $$$!). So, meals are simpler. Other people in the house are doing more. It's an adjustment but it's working out. I take care to be sure there are vegetables and other healthful things that I like so even if dinner is frozen pizza and ice cream, no veg no fruit, I can add a salad or whatever. Edited June 10, 2020 by marbel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dainty Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 If I was feeling sensitive, it would bother me. I don't like to cook but get stuck with the majority of it. DH will make suggestions with absolutely no ill will, but it still bugs me. I don't want suggestions. I don't even want to have to be cooking. I'll usually just stop making that dish and let him do it when it's his night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 This sounds like a communication problem, not a kitchen problem. I don't see anything wrong with someone wanting to perk up leftovers with some modifications, but if person A was actively cooking at the time (as opposed to person B fishing the leftovers out of the back of the fridge to use up), person B should have asked. And if the result of person B's modifications is a hard-to-clean pot, person B should also do the clean-up, regardless of whose chore it usually is. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 10, 2020 Author Share Posted June 10, 2020 I'm not going to go into how's and why's of how "cooking" works around here, and I don't foresee much changing. I don't do complicated dishes very often - I was the one who wanted it. (I really don't like how he does a pot roast. it's boring, and no one will eat it the next day. he gnaws on the meat.) Some things do make good leftover's. e.g. pastichio, and that I can do in stages. people will eat that for days until it's gone. same with a spanakopita. they reheat well. Maybe I should stick with greek cooking (which I love) - dh never, ever tries/offers to help with that. I've done the "walk out of the kitchen and tell him he's in charge" when he starts making too may suggestions. Now I just tell him to leave. He hadn't meant to thicken it up so much it's more the stiffness of a very thick chile than how it's supposed to be. That's part of what had me so irritated. There's supposed to be broth, there isn't any anymore. He started working from home years ago, so he's here to wander in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 13 hours ago, gardenmom5 said: Yes - I'm A. Dh is B. Yes it was leftover from yesterday - but this reheats well and you serve over fresh potatoes or noodles. He took the other meat and veggies out so they wouldn't over cook as he shoved it back in the oven with more meat and more onions in the broth. the state of my dutch oven isn't pretty either. can you say: baked. on.? Person B needs to acquire understanding of pot cleaning 😄 . 13 hours ago, gardenmom5 said: Maybe he fished out the meat while eating it last night. (but it was a good sized chunk and fairly lean.) My health isn't the greatest, and I can put all my energy into cooking and literally be too tired to eat when I'm done. I didn't eat much at dinner last night because I had to go lay down before finishing what was on my plate. I would love to never cook again - but person B only cooks if he feels like it, and no one would ever call his meals "nutritionally balanced". Energy seems critical factor. Person A made a two day meal / meal base, that got changed and made more tiring, and fatiguing re clean up. Does person A have an instant pot? If so, person A could make simple nutritious big meals that last several days, like soups and stews in IP. And these are meals that allow a nap between when the food is put to cook and eating time. (Ask me how I know 😉) when tired of that, person B could do more fancy possibly less nutritious cooking from start through clean up. And A could relax and enjoy those. Maybe a discussion needed? Acknowledging different energy levels etc? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 4 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said: I'm not going to go into how's and why's of how "cooking" works around here, and I don't foresee much changing. I don't do complicated dishes very often - I was the one who wanted it. (I really don't like how he does a pot roast. it's boring, and no one will eat it the next day. he gnaws on the meat.) Some things do make good leftover's. e.g. pastichio, and that I can do in stages. people will eat that for days until it's gone. same with a spanakopita. they reheat well. Maybe I should stick with greek cooking (which I love) - dh never, ever tries/offers to help with that. I've done the "walk out of the kitchen and tell him he's in charge" when he starts making too may suggestions. Now I just tell him to leave. He hadn't meant to thicken it up so much it's more the stiffness of a very thick chile than how it's supposed to be. That's part of what had me so irritated. There's supposed to be broth, there isn't any anymore. He started working from home years ago, so he's here to wander in. Frustrating. Especially since you were particularly looking forward to it the way you wanted it. Could the thick stuff have water or other liquid added to make more broth? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I think it depends on family culture. Around here, people can do whatever they want with leftovers. It wouldn't be unusual at all for leftovers to be added to, turned into a casserole, or made into a sandwich. If I wanted the leftover sauce for something in particular, I would definitely have to say so. So, my first instinct is to think it's fine and he wasn't being thoughtless, especially as he went to the trouble of taking already done meat out so as not to overcook it. If it's been a point of contention before, he should know to ask. It sounds like the overall cooking situation is pretty annoying. You only have one left at home, right? I'd probably just do a lot less cooking. Switch to a lot more salads and sandwiches, with fresh fruit and fresh or frozen veggies readily available. No need to cook more than twice a week at most - one dish that will provide leftovers for a couple of days, one piece of meat that can be used for salads and sandwiches. Person B's cooking can just be a bonus. If they only cook occasionally, I wouldn't worry at all about it being nutritionally balanced or not. There's nothing inherently more healthy about having a different cooked meal each day, so save your energy for better things. People who cook when they feel like it have no idea how much more of a chore it is to cook because dinner needs to be on the table. If he wants a hot meal on the table more often, he can put it there. I do get how the obliviousness can be annoying, lol. dh, who is very considerate most of the time, used to think nothing of saying, "eh, this isn't my favorite, I like it better when you do xyz with it" and I had to say (more times than seems strictly necessary), "it's one of my favorites, sometimes dinner is actually going to be what I feel like eating" lol. And the next time I made this particular dish, I'd probably make a point of doing it when dh wasn't home, just so I could it enjoy it thoroughly 😄 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 If he is a good cook, I'd let him do his thing, and we've have more for leftovers. It would only bother me if he messed it up somehow, or if he was "fixing" it because he didn't think I'd done a good enough job. YMMV Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, gardenmom5 said: I've done the "walk out of the kitchen and tell him he's in charge" when he starts making too may suggestions. Now I just tell him to leave. He hadn't meant to thicken it up so much it's more the stiffness of a very thick chile than how it's supposed to be. That's part of what had me so irritated. There's supposed to be broth, there isn't any anymore. I'd tell him that he ruined it for me, and that I resent that because I put a lot of work and time and anticipation into it. I'd say it calmly, but I'd make sure I was *really* heard. Also, about the more general thing, I think I would back off in another way, at least once a week. Like, I'd have a lot of cold cuts around and if asked what's for dinner I'd say, I'm pulling out things to nosh on and making a salad. That's not complete abdication, but it's more of a DIY meal than something cooked on the stove from scratch. Edited June 10, 2020 by Carol in Cal. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TCB Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I personally would have thought it was a good idea and why didn't I think of doing that. But my dh is pretty gracious with other people's cooking and wouldn't be trying to be mean about it, which it sounds like maybe was the case for you. Mind you, as with all of us, dh has his share of other faults! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I would also consider intent. If the intention is to make life easier for me, it's all fine even if it's not done the way I would like it. I have a good memory for stuff like this, so I would file that away in my brain and next time I made that particular thing, I would say something about the leftovers and my desires/plans for them. Like happysmileylady says above - something like "hey, last time I made this you did something with the leftovers; I'd like to enjoy this again tomorrow exactly as it is, so can you leave me some?" Or even better, maybe "I set aside some leftovers for myself for tomorrow, so if you want to mess around with this portion to make it more to your liking, go for it." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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