How do you handle the "When is your kid starting school" question

[DuploHouse]

My son just turned three but I have been getting questions about school when he was only two, partially because "junior kindergarten" here starts at only age 4 and because he is tall and acts old for his age. Strangely, the two most recent inquiries happened while school and daycares are shut down due to covid.

The truth of the matter is I think public school is vastly inferior and just about any blunt answer I have to the "When will your kid start school" could cause offence in someone who is publicly educating their child ("Well actually I care about my child's education..." "I'm not comfortable with the sex education curriculum that was promoted by the pedophile education minister" "We're not communists at our house.") but obviously I don't want to start off the conversation with "fighting words". On the other hand, I don't want to give a mealy mouthed response that invites an argument/criticism/etc and if I happen to be speaking to someone genuinely curious or considering homeschooling themselves, I would like to leave the door open to that conversation (so that rules out white lies). I have thought about saying "He's allergic to everything but peanuts and shellfish, so never" but I suspect that would just fly over most people's heads.

 

[Momto6inIN]

I would probably just say, "When they're ______ (insert age you plan to start hs'ing)." Most people usually aren't looking for a discourse on your educational choices, they're just making conversation.

[DuploHouse]

1 minute ago, Momto6inIN said:

Most people usually aren't looking for a discourse on your educational choices, they're just making conversation.

That's what I thought, so I don't want to get in a huge argument with random people!

[DuploHouse]

12 minutes ago, mms said:

How about, “We’ve been learning at home since birth and will continue the arrangement as long as it works. Please, pass the bean dip.”

I don't know how far that will get me in the community where I live. My midwife looked at me like I had 2 heads when I said I'm still home with my son. Pretty much everybody here puts their kid in daycare while still in diapers so they can work. I'm in Canada so it is subsidized here.

[purpleowl]

"Oh, we plan to homeschool." Use a matter-of-fact tone. No reason required.

If someone is pushing and seems disapproving of your choice, "We've looked at our options and this is what we're going to do. Could you pass the bean dip, please? It looks delicious."

If you DO want to give reasons (but again, you don't have to!), I'd suggest emphasizing things you think are good about homeschool rather than things you think are wrong with public school. 

[DuploHouse]

8 minutes ago, mms said:

 Really, you’re not looking to change anyone’s mind

I kind of am though. I was very anti-public school before and now with covid I can't believe people are queuing to put their kids into social distancing dystopian nightmare school in fall. I think it's going to psychologically damage kids, some of them permanently. On the other hand, it doesn't benefit my family to gain a reputation as the blow hard right wing b*tch mom. lol

[DuploHouse]

1 hour ago, purpleowl said:

"Oh, we plan to homeschool." Use a matter-of-fact tone. No reason required.

If someone is pushing and seems disapproving of your choice, "We've looked at our options and this is what we're going to do. Could you pass the bean dip, please? It looks delicious."

If you DO want to give reasons (but again, you don't have to!), I'd suggest emphasizing things you think are good about homeschool rather than things you think are wrong with public school. 

But if you give a reason like "We want academic rigour" that strongly implies public school does NOT have academic rigour.

BTW one of my "questioners" is a middle school math teacher, so I would assume she is hyper sensitive to criticism, although I know there are many former public school teachers who homeschool.

[8filltheheart]

15 minutes ago, DuploHouse said:

But if you give a reason like "We want academic rigour" that strongly implies public school does NOT have academic rigour.

You won't change people's minds with comments.  You simply need to do you and let them witness by example.  I have been homeschooling since 1994, so back before homeschooling was popular. People believed what we were doing was illegal.  Even now, I don't EVER have conversations with the intention of changing people's minds.  (And I have very successful graduates from our homeschool which no one can discount.)  I simply witness to people through how we live. If the conversation comes up, I make statements of fact that reflect specifically only on our homeschool and not comments directed toward anyone else's choices or options.  Making statements about how another family is choosing to educate/parent is a quick way to shut down conversation.  If  people want to learn more, having a positive dialogue leaves them room to ask.  Otherwise, the conversation will land on deaf ears and benefit no one. 

Also, these sorts of conversations require seeing ourselves from an outside perspective.  Is the enthusiasm from long-term experience or beginner infatuation that an outsider may see as unsustainable long term?  Many young homeschoolers start out enthusiastically and then their kids end up in school.  Speaking with temperance is simply displaying wisdom.

[DuploHouse]

38 minutes ago, mms said:

my attitude is live and let live about most things

I'm mostly fine with that, which is why I assume people's kids are publicly schooled and don't bring the topic up, so I'm kind of off-put when people bring it up to me, especially when my son is only 3 (and a young 3 at that).

Regarding covid and social distancing in school, I would argue that is literally a child abuse issue moreso than a political issue. Pretty hard to not have strong opinions on that.

 

[hs03842]

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Edited June 8, 2020 by JoyKM

[Slache]

"As soon as he's ready."

[Charmom3]

😒

[Shoeless]

Respectfully, most people that ask about kids in school are just wanting to make conversation and find common ground to talk. "Going to School" is a milestone with cute photo ops for little kids.  That's really all people want to hear about. Is kiddo excited about school? Do they want to ride the bus? Did they pick out a lunch box? That sort of thing.  That's really all they are getting at.  They aren't looking to pick a fight and are going to react poorly if you come at them with talking points about Why School Is Wrong and Abusive. Most people really don't care what you are doing. 

If you don't want to be seen as judgmental about other families choices, then stop judging them. 

If you really don't know what to say, you can be honest "He's not old enough yet. He's tall for his age."  

 

[DuploHouse]

42 minutes ago, JoyKM said:

just say he’ll start formal school in Kindergarten

Why lie though?

 

43 minutes ago, JoyKM said:

Basically they will be feeling like you do when you feel  criticized about homeschooling.

But I am not insecure about our decision at all

 

44 minutes ago, JoyKM said:

a neutral pat response

I'm trying to formulate one!

 

44 minutes ago, JoyKM said:

Why tear each other apart fighting

Because we have to live with the consequences of each other's parenting

[DuploHouse]

39 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

If you don't want to be seen as judgmental about other families choices, then stop judging them.

I don't really care what people think of me of an individual. The only reason I'm not jumping gleefully into sidewalk catfights is that it's not in my family's interest. What you're saying is the equivalent to saying "Why do you care if some people cut their baby formula with coke? Stop judging."

 

40 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

If you really don't know what to say, you can be honest "He's not old enough yet. He's tall for his age."  

That isn't honest at all. He's not ever going to school because I'm adamantly opposed to public education on every level

[Shoeless]

🙄

[Slache]

12 minutes ago, DuploHouse said:

He's not ever going to school because I'm adamantly opposed to public education on every level.

I feel the same way but I see no benefit in saying it out loud. It's unnecessarily hostile.

We don't feel that public school conforms well to our family culture.

We can meet their individual needs better at home.

I'm glad that works for you.

 

Same idea, gentler delivery.

 

Eta: That was not a slight on teachers who I love and respect. Thank you for what you do!

Edited June 3, 2020 by Slache

[Shoeless]

11 minutes ago, DuploHouse said:

I don't really care what people think of me of an individual. The only reason I'm not jumping gleefully into sidewalk catfights is that it's not in my family's interest. What you're saying is the equivalent to saying "Why do you care if some people cut their baby formula with coke? Stop judging."

 

That isn't honest at all. He's not ever going to school because I'm adamantly opposed to public education on every level

 

This isn't remotely close to what I said. Why are you trying to pick a fight here?

[hs03842]

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Edited June 8, 2020 by JoyKM

[sweet2ndchance]

38 minutes ago, DuploHouse said:

Why lie though?

Saying he will start formal school in kindergarten isn't lying unless you don't plan to start formal schooling in kindergarten. Formal schooling, in homeschool circles, just refers to when you plan to start reporting if you have a reporting requirement or if you don't have one, it's when you start doing typical school subjects like reading writing and arithmetic in a formal manner with curriculum or a formal plan of how you are going to present those subjects. Nothing more. It has nothing to do with sending a child to public school, private school, brick-and-mortar-school, institutionalized school or whatever other phrase you use to talk about not homeschooling your child. So saying he will start formal schooling when he is ready or when he is kindergarten age is not lying at all. Whether the other person understands what formal schooling means is neither here nor there. 

As far as I know there is no way to sugar coat a strong opinion that most people will be offended by. You either have to embrace your strong opinion and not care what others think about going full bitch on someone when you think they are wrong or just do you and reserve your judgements for the sake of your reputation or your family's reputation and the reputation of homeschoolers as a whole. There is no middle ground if you have a strong, polarizing opinion and you believe everyone else's choices are just wrong. Just know that you will burn bridges if you look to pick a fight every time some one asks an innocent question. Even with other homeschoolers. If you are ok with that, then you do you.

[8filltheheart]

In addition to everything that has already been said, there is absolutely no consensus on how you even "do" homeschooling.  There are plenty of homeschoolers homeschooling in a way that I would never consider. (When I read the local FB group, I have to keep myself from responding to questions that I know the answers would be like casting pearls before swine simply bc they are coming at homeschooling from a completely different direction.)  As someone who has never had a child step inside of a ps (6 of our kids have graduated  from our homeschool), I would put my kids in a school before I would ever consider homeschooling via many popular methodologies.  So, if you form really strong opinions on the "right" way to homeschool, you will find yourself in either a very lonely corner, or in a group that other people may look down on as the wrong way to do it. 

Parenting is hard.  Homeschooling well is even harder.  Finding good friends......priceless.  And those friends don't have to fit into our mold.  They just need to fit into theirs.

Edited June 3, 2020 by 8FillTheHeart

[Lori D.]

Side note: I'm all for helping new people on these boards, but I'm also wary of posts that might be stirring up contention on an established board -- i.e., avoid feeding a potential troll.  😉 Time will quickly tell if a new poster is really here looking for info or ideas, or if they are here to be a "pot stirrer." 😉 

Edited June 3, 2020 by Lori D.

[LuvToRead]

"In a couple of years".  Done.  People aren't asking when your kid will go to "real" school. 

Quote

 

On a side note:  I don't know how to get rid of the above quote box.  😀

Edited June 3, 2020 by LuvToRead

[wathe]

I've lived through this stage in Ontario (which is where I assume you are OP - I think we are the only province with universal JK.). It feels like everyone sends their kids to school at age 4, and homeschooling (in my area at least) is relatively uncommon.  Parents are excited and pleased that their DC are about to achieve a big milestone.  And chuffed with the free child-care aspect.  And many really just can't understand why you aren't sending your kids, or even aware that homeschooling is a legitimate option.  It's a natural question, and I agree with PP that it's just a way to make small talk most of the time.   I settled on "we school at home" as an answer.  Then, depending on the relationship I have with the asker, and the tone of the question, either answer questions the best I could (for people I have an ongoing relationship with, usually a addressing concerns about socialization) or pass the bean dip for randoms or people I don't care to engage with.  Either way, the conversation was brief and neutral. 

As the kids aged, the question evolved into "where do you go to school" or "why aren't you in school", the answer remains the same.

There's no need to pick a fight.

[BlsdMama]

On 6/2/2020 at 7:52 PM, DuploHouse said:

I don't really care what people think of me of an individual. The only reason I'm not jumping gleefully into sidewalk catfights is that it's not in my family's interest. What you're saying is the equivalent to saying "Why do you care if some people cut their baby formula with coke? Stop judging."

 

That isn't honest at all. He's not ever going to school because I'm adamantly opposed to public education on every level

LOL, while I respect your (cough) vigor, I'd suggest perhaps a pleasant tone would garner you a warmer welcome on a board that's been in existence for more than 20 years and some of us have been schooling that long.  Your tone does not suggest you are seeking to avoid a fight, rather than the opposite and it feels as though potentially on a board from which you requested assistance.

This will be our 20th year.  I've had 11 kids start schooling via homeschool, graduated three so far that were home educated K-12. People ask, "When will they start school," for conversation, but rarely because they are deeply invested or curious.  It's largely just conversation.  It's shallow at best and I'd give a shallow answer lest pressed.  There are schools which are academically rigorous so to insinuate there is not would incite controversy that isn't supportable.  I suggest you simply say, "We plan on homeschooling."  Assuming they then care enough to ask further, you can answer civilly and politely to that as well.  Do I believe in the value of homeschooling? Absolutely.  You are exactly one diagnosis away from having choice ripped from your hands, just sayin'.

I felt for a long while that homeschooling was a platform for advocacy and I saw every question as a means to an end.  Truth? Few will homeschool and few will care that you homeschool.  But there is no need to denigrate their personal decision and it's unlikely they mean offense, thus I would work hard at trying not to take offense.

Edited June 4, 2020 by BlsdMama

[Jean in Newcastle]

If this is an honest question and not a way to stir the pot, I would recommend that you take a "year by year" approach.  Even though I had a plan to school K - 12 (and did just that for both of my kids), I knew that plans can change for all sorts of reasons.  There is no reason to draw lines in the sand and then have to eat your words (to mix metaphors).  So I would answer "We are homeschooling this year" or "We will start homeschooling the day the local public schools start this year" (if what they are asking for is a date).  I gave the yearly answer for 16 years.  For most people it was no big deal.  For some it was but I was not needing their approval so it was easy to laugh off.  Family (especially grandparents ) were a bit more difficult but I acknowledge that they truly love their grandkids and want the best for them so I gave them an explanation of what I wanted to get out of homeschooling, not what I was avoiding by homeschooling.  (All your explanations seem focused on what you are avoiding.  I suggest that you take a more proactive approach because homeschooling isn't easy and you will want some positive reasons for doing what you are doing.) 

[73349]

I would answer with a time frame, like "Fall 2021." That's what they're asking for.