Do/Don’ts re: newly minted 18yos

[Professormom]

My oldest is turning 18 in a few weeks. He will be home a few months before heading off to college. He will likely be back for vacations and summers.

To all of the moms who have semi-launched or launched kids, what are your thoughts? What house rules make sense with newly-minted 18yos and/or college kids bouncing between home and college? What did you do that helped your relationship as they transitioned to adults? What would you choose not to do if you had a do over? Any thoughts on sibling relationships between the launched and those still at home? What have you found to be reasonable with that elusive line of giving support (financial, etc), expecting respect, expectations as a member of a household, etc.  

We treat our kids with respect as a matter of course... yet, I know we are - and will be - dealing with some of that illogical pushback/arrogance that comes with the age... tips on handling that well would be excellent - real life language and examples are even better:)

[RootAnn]

I remember a bit about coming back home after a year at college. I was miserable at the restrictions & requirements that had been reasonable & understandable before college.

I have only had a few weeks with dd#1 home over Christmas, but I let her know that as long as she was courteous to the rest of us (not being loud deep into the night for example), she had no restrictions on her. She didn't have her car over break, so she had to ask to borrow one of the other vehicles, but she knew she could borrow them as long as they weren't otherwise needed.

We are probably some of the most laid back parents in our area--definitely among the religious homeschoolers. Dd#1 is generally responsible so we've had no reason to be overly strict.

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, Professormom said:

dealing with some of that illogical pushback/arrogance that comes with the age

We're dealing with this now in our 19 year old specifically between ds and dh. It was quite a weekend.

We really try hard not to have a lot of rules when they're returning from college. In fact, during our students' high school senior years, we gave them complete freedom to do what they wanted. Our goal was to be able to offer guidance before they were out of the house. We have good kids who didn't cause problems, so it worked for us. We've tried to continue the same rules as they return home. They don't need to tell us when they'll be gone or when they return, but they usually do. 

It's ok to disagree with a parent as the student makes decisions that might be different from what the parent wants. It's also ok to give that parent time to own this/her own response. However, it's important to be respectful as the student is stating his opinion. In our family, this has been explicitly stated.

We have opted to pay for everything when our student is living at home except for their personal spending and gas for their cars. What they save we ask them to put into their savings account to use for further schooling if needed. This didn't happen until this year when 2 of ours came home in March. DD had an internship that was going to be in another city this summer. It's been changed to an online internship, so she'll be staying home for it, thus saving all the money she would've spent on housing/food for 8 weeks this summer. If they go pick up groceries for us, sometimes they'll pay for them. If we go out to eat, we pick up the costs. This will vary depending on each family's circumstances.

We have encouraged our kids to find opportunities (internships primarily) during the summers. Our 2 oldest were home the summer after their first year at college. After that, they were home for a week or 2 here and there, but gone most of the time. I expect that will happen with our youngest, too, especially given this weekend's issues. By the time they hit their junior/senior years, they're more focused on their future and less on coming home. Their definition of home also changes during this time.

I believe the most important thing is communication. As parents we need to listen to what our kids are telling us, even if we don't like hearing it, and respond appropriately. Our kids also need to be able to listen to what we tell them, though as they become more independent, the advice we give them should decrease unless asked for. Sometimes it's been easier to ask my young adult if she's feeling such and such. Sometimes that opens the doors to a good discussion.

Encourage a good relationship between your kids. Don't be offended if they want to hang out together without you or if one goes to the other for advice instead of coming to you. That's part of growing up.

We haven't had specific chores as part of being home. I'll ask them to do something if I need help or feel they need to help out.

Many of these things work only if there's trust, respect, and a good relationship between family members. 

I think one of the things that's most important is for the parents to be on the same page. In our family, that's been a big fail. One of us wants strict adherence to what they believe is the right way of doing something (and seems to frequently believe is the only way) and the other believes the students should have guidance, but also have the opportunity to fail and learn from those failures. It's caused a lot of strife. 

I miss my kids when they're not home. I miss when they don't call. We text frequently, but it's not quite the same. I miss hanging out and shooting the breeze with my kids. But I also believe it's my job to send them on their way. I try really hard not to give them any guilt about whatever. I try to be straightforward when I need to say something. It's been really interesting to see friends who encourage their young adults not to leave the family, not try for internships that would prevent them from living at home. There are so many variations to students growing up. Take what you see here if it fits your familiy's culture and ignore the rest. It's not a one size fits all. Enjoy the experience. There's nothing quite like seeing your young adult fly completely on their own. It's magical!

 

[SanDiegoMom]

My junior is home for the summer. The only thing we ask is that she is pleasant to be around and to clean up after herself.  She doesn't drive much and she's not going out to meet friends. We pay for all food.  

I remember graduating college (early) and trying to live at home while commuting to library school for my master's degree.  I lasted two months.  I felt like nothing I did was right.  My mom had obviously moved into the empty nest happily and did not want me back at all.  It was awful.  

[Professormom]

@wilrunner, that is so helpful. You have a very similar approach to how we handle things in general. Luckily, we have a really good base, and they are really good kids. We, too, has a DS/DH conflict over the weekend, and that is what prompted this post. We are fine with (most;) of their decisions, etc. They make good choices often. But, I know going forward that we need to set the expectations from the front end. 

I don’t give advice much unless asked in specific situations. Hopefully, all of our extensive homeschooling discussions have planted enough seeds that I don’t have to. I have told DS that I have no interest in running his life. I am only interested in loving him. He has already said that he knows if I ever stick my nose in something, he will listen because he knows that my nose stays out unless something is imminently awful. That was nice to hear.

I need to make clear that... 

I am not their maid.

If they live here, they are part of a household that needs all parties to contribute in some manner.

They can have crappy days, but they don’t get to take it out on the people who are kindest to them.

As someone said in a different thread, full independence means fully providing for yourself. If you want to reap the rewards of OUR hard work, there are some responsibilities that are inherent in that.

@RootAnn, we are usually one of the more relaxed homeschool families in our area. I tend to have high standards/tighter rules for the kids when they are very young, and then keep opening it up as they get older. We have never had to do curfews or anything like that... we decide what makes sense for whatever activity they are doing. 
 

Keep it coming. It is so helpful to read what people have done and why/how they have done it. Obviously, everybody has their own version of family life. I’d rather have more info to sift through than less, lol. Like most things:)

Edited June 1, 2020 by Professormom

[klmama]

We emphasize courtesy and personal responsibility.  If they are coming home after midnight, they text me; when they do come in, they have to be very quiet, lock the door, and text again to tell me they came home safely.  If they are sleeping at a friend's house, they text to let me know where they are.  While home, they contribute by not leaving messes around the house, joining in with meal prep/clean-up when they eat with us, and helping with occasional chores.  Since they are working close to full-time and are gone a lot otherwise, we don't assign chores that may mess up the functioning of the home if they aren't done.  We do ask them to take out trash or sweep the floor or walk the dog if they are here when it needs to be done.  When we are all cleaning the house, they get to clean the bathroom they use.  

 

 

 

[regentrude]

We never had "house rules". Just behave considerately towards other people in the house: don't disturb sleepers; if you're going out, tell where and when approximately you'll be back, help out when asked to - common sense stuff just like I would do with DH. This is their home, even if they don't live here permanently.

There was no change on the 18th birthday; the kids grew into their adulthood, maturity, and freedom gradually. DD left for college at 17; DS at 18. We never had curfews either.
We are fortunate to be able to support our kids financially during college so they can concentrate on their studies as their full time job. 
 

Edited June 1, 2020 by regentrude

[G5052]

Mine have lived with me and commuted, but I just asked for common curtesy as they matured. Let me know when you plan to return, let me know when you'll be late, staying out all night with the wrong friends can get you into trouble, etc. etc. They do chores and run household errands. I ask that we have at least four meals together a week. Sometimes that doesn't work out with evening classes and work, but we sit down Sunday and figure out when we will eat together and plan the menus. 

One is graduating in December, and the other is a senior but will take a little longer. Both are good students and solid individuals. We had a few issues some time back to work through, but I have no concerns now. 

[Professormom]

Has anyone gotten pushback on reasonable boundaries? I have a few friends who have struggled with this. Not necessarily coming and going related, but basic picking up after yourself, etc. Things that were established in the household all their lives are suddenly an onerous imposition, lol. 

[klmama]

I have friends who have dealt with that.  However, I think perhaps the parents were less than understanding of their adult dc's needs and it may have been part of the impetus for the rebellious behavior.  When a young adult is in college full time and also works outside the home to pay for college, it may not be reasonable to expect that young person to babysit, clean the house, cook or even eat meals with the family, etc. at the same level they did when they were in high school.  

Edited June 15, 2020 by klmama

[EKS]

We have a "our house, our support, our rules" policy.  That said, our rules aren't that arduous.  Tell us when you're going to be home at night, then actually be home by that time.  Help with household chores.  Be respectful.  That sort of thing.  We're fortunate that both of our sons have done these things automatically (mostly).

When I have to force an issue with my current 18yo, I simply tell him he needs to do whatever it is before using the car.  Works like a charm.