Let’s Get Existential - if you could magically go back to your 20’s

[regentrude]

Nope, no regrets. I did the things I wanted to do, in the order I wanted to do them: had my PhD at 26, worked two years abroad, had my kids at 28 and 30. 
A few small things: in hindsight, I should not have returned to work for three months when DD was 18 moths old and I five months pregnant. Total waste of effort because my brain was mush. And I should have pulled the kids out of school at the end of 4th grade and not subjected them to 5th grade at the middle school. 
But can't think of anything else. I didn't choose the town I live in, because that's where DH's job was, so can't regret that since it wasn't a choice.
 

Edited May 29, 2020 by regentrude

[Robin M]

Can we go back with the wisdom we have now in our later years? I usually don't look back with wishes of things I could of done when I was younger because I like the me I am now, versus the person I was then.  Once was enough and my 30's better and each decade we've progressed to better things.  If I was given the opportunity to go back and fix things, I probably wouldn't know where to begin since each thing or action builds and pushes you forward to the next.  You never quite know when you take a step, exactly where it is going to lead. There are so many variables.   I went back to school (online) when I was 47 because I wanted too and finished my Bachelor's degree, learning things I really enjoyed.  I appreciated it and wanted it more than I did when I was young.  My answer would be no because I wouldn't be the person I am now.  It would mess with the timeline continuum way too much. Just think of all the people we've touched along the way.  

[Terabith]

I actually wish my husband and I had NOT gone to graduate school.  9/11 happened right as we were graduating, and that effectively ended hiring right when we needed jobs.  As a result of that, my husband joined the Air Force, and that worked out well, because the military health care did allow us to have our kids when we did.  I kind of wish we'd had another child, but my husband was pretty tapped out after two.  

[marbel]

I feel like I need to be clear... I don't regret being a stay home mom, or homeschooling my kids. I do regret checking completely out of the world outside my home/family during that time. Because when my kids were young, life looked good and based on income, income potential, etc, it looked like I would never have to work again.  Well, long story short... I was wrong.

I should have done something during those years to keep skills updated. Some small work at home, or volunteer work would have been good.  It would have made things a lot easier when I found I did need to work again.

[fairfarmhand]

See, I don’t want to go back to have my degree finished so “my life could be different.” It’s more so that it would be done and I wouldn’t be 40 years old and trying to weigh whether or not it makes financial sense for me to go back now. So it’s less about the past and more about the future.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Robin M said:

Can we go back with the wisdom we have now in our later years? I usually don't look back with wishes of things I could of done when I was younger because I like the me I am now, versus the person I was then.  Once was enough and my 30's better and each decade we've progressed to better things.  If I was given the opportunity to go back and fix things, I probably wouldn't know where to begin since each thing or action builds and pushes you forward to the next.  You never quite know when you take a step, exactly where it is going to lead. There are so many variables.   I went back to school (online) when I was 47 because I wanted too and finished my Bachelor's degree, learning things I really enjoyed.  I appreciated it and wanted it more than I did when I was young.  My answer would be no because I wouldn't be the person I am now.  It would mess with the timeline continuum way too much. Just think of all the people we've touched along the way.  

Well, sure. I don't want to *be* the me I was when I was twenty-couple. God, no. I like the me I am now! 

But...I do wish I gotten a bachelor's early in life, in the more usual timeframe. I could have had tuition reimbursed, or at least partially, while I was working for a law firm. They also had a pre-tax investment with matching! and I was just too young and clueless to understand how amazing that was. I even remember an older secretary I worked with who was saying, "You should scrape every penny you can manage and put it in this fund to the full match! When you get to be my age, you will be sitting on a fortune!" But I was like, "Oh, but I have to pay my car insurance..." or whatever.  What a dingbat. 

[Garga]

3 hours ago, Jentrovert said:

 

I hate the fact that I just don't know what I don't know. I'm doing things right now that I'll come to regret, but no matter how hard I try, I won't realize it for another decade at least.

THAT is a very sobering thought. Wow. I tend to look back with regret on certain decisions, but that’s a waste of time after all, isn’t it? I should be looking ahead trying to cut out anything right now that I’ll regret in 10 years.

2 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

See, I don’t want to go back to have my degree finished so “my life could be different.” It’s more so that it would be done and I wouldn’t be 40 years old and trying to weigh whether or not it makes financial sense for me to go back now. So it’s less about the past and more about the future.

This is me. I don’t care about having a degree in order to have worked while raising kids.  Having a degree wouldn’t change the fact that I stayed home to raise the kids, but it does affect my future. I’m glad beyond measure that I’ve been at home with the kids. But having that degree would make it easier to get a job when the youngest is done school in 3 years.  I’ll be 50 when he’s done and no degree. If he gets a little more independent next year, I might start taking some classes in Jan 2021–get an AA or some sort of certification.  I’m not going to try to get a BA right now.  Too expensive. Back in 1990 when I graduated high school, it was cheap.  College could be paid for with a part time job!  Astounding!

Edited May 29, 2020 by Garga

[Liz CA]

Always interesting to ponder.

I think the only thing I would change would be to have been a more assertive twenty year old and when they persuaded me to veer off my chosen career path and go into something else, I should have stood my ground.

As it turned out I returned to the field in which I always wanted to work. For all of you who regret not finishing college - I got a second degree in my forties and it was easier because of online options that I did not have the first time around. I do not regret homeschooling or staying home with a baby and toddler and then working part-time while he was in school.

The only other thing I would change is the recession in 2009 or so but I had no control over that....:)

[Ausmumof3]

15 hours ago, egao_gakari said:

I try not to be a conspiracy theorist, but I was on hormonal birth control in my late teens/early 20s and my periods have never been the same since going off it. I know no studies have shown a significant correlation between HBC and infertility, but as my stepkids keep growing up and we keep not conceiving siblings for them, I wonder more and more if things would have been different had I not made that choice.

What is especially frustrating for me is that becoming "tea-ly" active and going on HBC weren't really wholehearted choices. I was a "follower" at the time and by college, literally every one of my friends was. They were all holding it over my head and telling me that I'd never really "be a grown-up" or "understand" until I'd had that experience myself. Looking back on it, that was a sign of their immaturity, not mine, but I fell for their peer pressure and even pressured my boyfriend at the time into it when he wanted to wait. 

Honestly, most of my bad choices until age 25 were consciously made against my better judgment, and mostly to please others. At the time, pleasing others was the same thing as pleasing myself, so I sincerely believed I was doing what I wanted to do. There's still that streak in me, but since meeting my husband and kids, I've had to grow up a lot. There have been many times now that I've had to displease others in order to do what's best for my family, and now it's much easier to tell people to go jump in a lake if they don't like my choices.

HBC is one of my big regrets too.  I was never sold on it and went along because it was dh expectation.  Now I would be more firm.

[Ausmumof3]

I flip flop on this.  The degree I would have done of all had been perfect wasn’t available in my state at the time and there’s no way at 16 when I finished high school I had the maturity to move interstate and live away from family.  Some days I wish I’d kept working and out the kids in school but to be honest in many ways life is pretty good.  Mostly if I went back with today’s wisdom I wouldn’t necessarily make massively different choices but I think I would encourage myself to take more opportunities and listen more to the people around me.  Sometimes I do wish I had that degree but the reality is if that was really important to me there’s no reason I couldn’t start doing it bit by bit now.  So if I’m still not making that choice it probably wasn’t that important.  I was operating at the time within a mindset of limited options and choices. 

[Shoeless]

a) Get a whole lot of therapy

b) Dump him

c) And then dump the next "him" before marrying him

 

 

[SKL]

I don't have any major regrets from my early 20s.  I was a full-time student who also worked various jobs.  The things that were not so good were really not choices, but circumstances.  My personality which was extremely introverted, risk-averse, and insecure.  My family circumstances i.e. poor.  😛

I graduated with my law degree, MBA, and years of job experience at age 25.  Passed the bar exam and CPA exam shortly thereafter.  I got a really interesting job right out of grad school. 

I am still friends with my best friends from my early 20s.

I only wish I had more maturity and confidence in those days.  I wish I had a better sense of how to prioritize and what to try for in law school.  Though I probably wouldn't have been as happy going into a traditional law career anyway, so maybe I should take that back.  I spent many hours enjoying the museums, libraries, and walking paths when I should have been outlining my law books, so ....

In my later 20s, well, I started "dating," and that didn't go so great either.  😛  But again, not sure that was about "choices."  I really believed "Mr. Right For Me" was going to turn up someday.  😛  And again, if I'd married and had kids as originally projected, then I wouldn't have the kids I have now, so ....

[Twolittleboys]

Well, I would make a lot of choices - not because I really regret anything or don't like my life as is (pretty happy with it in general) but I know how these choices have turned out so would want to try something else next time...

I guess I might study biology - have always been quite interested in it but back then it never even occurred to me to go for a science. Not sure why. Or maybe something with tourism. Or archeology. Or maybe something with film or...

Actually, I think I would go for something completely different. Focus less on school/studying and more on fun and maybe finding a husband...

[HSmomof2]

I didn’t have dc until I was in my 30’s, and wouldn’t change that or dh. I would, however, have stayed in my career in IT and sent dc to private school instead of quit working and homeschooling. I also wouldn’t have gotten involved with a few churches that really lead us into some faulty thinking and doctrine and stayed the denomination I grew up in. 

[DawnM]

21 hours ago, Quill said:

...would you choose the same path? Do you think you would do the same or very similar things in homeschooling, parenting, working (if employed)?

So what about you, assuming I’m addressing an audience of people who are not themselves early 20s? 

 

Well, I didn't get married until 29 and didn't have my first kid until 31.  So, my 20s aren't the best place to ask me if I would go back and stay at home and homeschool.  I didn't homeschool until I was 38.  I worked from ages 22-39.   I worked as a teacher first and then a school counselor.  

I only homeschooled because I had a child who wasn't cutting it in school (turns out he had Asperger's).  I homeschooled for a couple of years while working part time, but that proved to be pretty difficult.  

I stayed home from ages 39-49 and homeschooled.  

Then I went back to work at age 49 and have worked for 4 years now, full time.

I do regret staying home sometimes.  I wasn't a good stay at home home.  I was antsy.  It made me depressed.  I regret not looking at more options for my son for all of those years.  But I do NOT regret actually spending all that time with my kids.  I loved my kids, just not the feeling of not being as productive and getting out with other adults.

[kiwik]

I have made a lot of mistakes and there have been some bad times.  Each of those experiences have taught me something though and all those jobs I tried have taught me a bunch of skills that have perfectly prepared me for where I am now   

[Guest]

9 hours ago, marbel said:

I feel like I need to be clear... I don't regret being a stay home mom, or homeschooling my kids. I do regret checking completely out of the world outside my home/family during that time. Because when my kids were young, life looked good and based on income, income potential, etc, it looked like I would never have to work again.  Well, long story short... I was wrong.

I should have done something during those years to keep skills updated. Some small work at home, or volunteer work would have been good.  It would have made things a lot easier when I found I did need to work again.

This was me, too, though I did keep somewhat in the game by being dh’s secretary for all these years, and by getting an associates. But doing this paralegal certification, I waffle between thinking, “hey, my life’s not over yet (as far as I know)! I’m sure I can find a job in a law firm again...” and thinking, “Riiiiight. Because SO many firms are looking for a 49yo who last worked on law before the internet was a thing...” 

My dd is also taking this course and we compare our odds, lol. She’ll say, “yeah but you have experience in a law firm and I have none!” And I say, “yeah but you have a bachelor’s and are much younger and, therefore, are worth their investment.”

My dh really burnt me inadvertently by saying I was “coming off the couch.” He was thinking of sports and when a benched player “comes off the bench,” but I found it belittling. I said, “Hello? I have not been ‘on the couch’! I have operated your business for twenty-five years!” He agreed that was probably not the best phrasing. 

Come off the couch...sheez! 

[sassenach]

I don’t think I would change a thing about my 20’s. I had babies and stayed home with them. It was exactly what I wanted. Now that I am in school and transitioning to a nursing career, the only thing I wish I had done differently is I wish I started working on my nursing prerequisites about 3 years before I did. I could have totally handled one class at a time and it would have saved me a lot of time. But oh well, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. 

[Zebra]

I honestly don't regret the choices I made.    I wish the circumstances had been different, but they weren't.   I made the best decisions I could given my options.   I feel very fortunate.    

I don't have a college degree and I have no recent work history.   And I couldn't finish college at the time, it was a literal and emotional luxury for me.  I had to just survive in my 20's.   And I did survive.   And I even feel like a thrived.

I do wish I could go back and reassure myself.   It took me a long time to understand the dysfunction I came out of, and how much that colored things.   And that pulling yourself out of that, and breaking the cycle is an unsupported uphill battle that many people just can't get through.

I can't really speak for the rest of you, but I do think kindness is in order.   Be kind to yourselves.    I really think overall most of us did the best we could at the time.

[Penguin]

I'm not unhappy with my 20s. I had a lot of fun and did a lot of traveling. I finished both undergrad and grad school. I got married at 24 and had Kid #1 at 27, Kid #2 at 29. I worked full time until I was 32, so I was not home with my kids in my 20s. That was complicated, but I think it was the right choice for that time, especially since I stayed home for the next 20-some years!

Considering that I didn't really plan my life in my 20s and it just unfolded while I muddled along, I can't complain.

If I could change one small thing, I wish that I would have started dance and/or yoga then. My 20-something body would have been able to do all the things. 

 

Edited May 29, 2020 by Penguin

[wintermom]

11 minutes ago, StellaM said:

A degree here effectively 'expires' after ten years, so my first degree did nothing for me when I went back to work, nor did the second one, really.

Twenty years out of the workforce is always going to have an major effect on employability down the line, with or without a degree.

 

 

 

 

 

It depends what you want to do with your degree in some cases, but the degree itself never 'expires.' You can always include in a resume that you have the degree. You can build on the earned degrees to go back to get a graduate degree or graduate certificates/diplomas. 

[Guest]

1 minute ago, StellaM said:

Oh, I know it doesn't literally expire.

But its worth diminishes the further away you are from having gained it and not used it in a workplace setting.

Yes, though that is true with real experience, too. I am wondering how that issue will affect me in trying to go back to work at a law firm. 

[wintermom]

12 minutes ago, StellaM said:

Oh, I know it doesn't literally expire.

But its worth diminishes the further away you are from having gained it and not used it in a workplace setting.

Yes, but then you're rebuilding a resume from a much higher point for the career re-boot even if you change fields. All the knowledge and experience gained through achieving a degree is not 'unlearned' 20 years later because much of the knowledge gained IS being used over the 20 years in different ways. It's not like you've been in a coma for 20 years. 

[mom31257]

The main changes I would make of my 20s would be to be more laid back about things. The same is true for the parenting in my 30s and early 40s. I've mellowed with time, but I used to be too high strung. I grew up in a critical household, and I have a math degree so a logical/analytical mind more than an emotional one. The compassionate part of me has grown exponentially in recent years, but the math brain still tries to kick in and address problems head on and literally instead of looking at the big picture. 

I don't regret staying home with the kids and homeschooling and not having a career. I hope to make a career for myself after ds graduates next year, but I don't know yet what that is. 

[katilac]

1 hour ago, wintermom said:

Yes, but then you're rebuilding a resume from a much higher point for the career re-boot even if you change fields. All the knowledge and experience gained through achieving a degree is not 'unlearned' 20 years later because much of the knowledge gained IS being used over the 20 years in different ways. It's not like you've been in a coma for 20 years. 

That has for sure not been my experience, lol. 

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

Haha, tell that to an interview panel.

Homeschooling for 20 years? You may as well have been in a coma.

This would unfortunately be closer to my experience. 

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

Haha, tell that to an interview panel.

Homeschooling for 20 years? You may as well have been in a coma.

I guess it depends on what you do during the homeschooling years. If you're making connections with others, showing to the outside world that you have useful skills, it will be noticed. Those connections with people are often where jobs happen, and if you've also put in the time to have a recognizable degree, it can also open up more doors. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, wintermom said:

I guess it depends on what you do during the homeschooling years. If you're making connections with others, showing to the outside world that you have useful skills, it will be noticed. Those connections with people are often where jobs happen, and if you've also put in the time to have a recognizable degree, it can also open up more doors. 

Well, I don’t know...I *thought* I was doing that. I have done my husband’s secretarial and bookkeeping work for over twenty years. I literally taught myself programs and designed systems from scratch. I was on the board at the homeschool co-op - more skills, more connections. I didn’t burn bridges and still have friends in business and law. I went to college and earned an AA. All those things I was doing so I wouldn’t fade from the employment world, so I could always resume work should that be necessary. 

Well, now it’s necessary. And now all those things don’t amount to much. And now I have the additional concern of a pandemic and massive layoffs. Is anyone even going to *want* a paralegal, nevermind one who would need to learn a firm’s systems before I could work remotely? I’m soldiering on, and I plan to pick some law brains I know, but I’m really concerned about how that will all play out. 

[BlsdMama]

On 5/28/2020 at 6:30 AM, Quill said:

...would you choose the same path? Do you think you would do the same or very similar things in homeschooling, parenting, working (if employed)? 

I’m taking a paralegal class at the moment and it makes me sort of sad I didn’t just continue working in law. Imagine what I could have accomplished by now! 

As my nieces begin their families and retain their paid employment, I do think, “Good for them,” or “See, that’s smarter than what I did...” 

This is not to suggest my life is not pretty darn good. It is. And of course, who knows what lay ahead on the path not taken; I could be 49 down *that* path and looking at my homeschooling sisters and think, “Gee, I wish I had done that instead of sinking my life to this damn firm.” 

So what about you, assuming I’m addressing an audience of people who are not themselves early 20s? 

Interesting thoughts. My daughters are hitting this age and I am not dissuading them. I got married at nineteen, dropped out of college, and had babies every two years. I went back to school online a few years ago because my bachelors is on my to do list. When I found out this thing was terminal and I would never be eligible for disability, I did have momentary regrets.

In another life, I would have gone into biomedical research. But, that said, no, I’m glad I took the route I did.  I truly lived life alongside my children. As someone in a different stage, because looking death in the face is generally a 65+ age group, not a 43 year old woman, I have still a different perspective. There was a time when I felt I’d spent my entire life pouring into others and I really hadn’t lived my best life. I’ve gained some distance and perspective and now I believe I could not have spent it better. Part of this was my oldest daughter choosing to get married, have babies, forgo the income (she did get her bachelors) to stay home and plan to homeschool. That was very validating for me. My sister in law said, “You’re not going to stay home and waste all that education, are you?” Wisdom and knowledge is never wasted. And most certainly not wasted when you utilize that which you’ve obtained to enrich the lives of those you love.

 

i do think I had “grass is greener” syndrome for a bit. I also think getting a terminal diagnosis honed my perspective. A job when I was 25 for what? Tell me I would have contributed something to society greater than what I did? Doubtful. And, because I would have been in the rat race, would I have grown as a person to be who I am now? No, and what a shame that would have been. True I am not all that I should be, but I have grown far from who I was.

[Garga]

57 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Interesting thoughts. My daughters are hitting this age and I am not dissuading them. I got married at nineteen, dropped out of college, and had babies every two years. I went back to school online a few years ago because my bachelors is on my to do list. When I found out this thing was terminal and I would never be eligible for disability, I did have momentary regrets.

In another life, I would have gone into biomedical research. But, that said, no, I’m glad I took the route I did.  I truly lived life alongside my children. As someone in a different stage, because looking death in the face is generally a 65+ age group, not a 43 year old woman, I have still a different perspective. There was a time when I felt I’d spent my entire life pouring into others and I really hadn’t lived my best life. I’ve gained some distance and perspective and now I believe I could not have spent it better. Part of this was my oldest daughter choosing to get married, have babies, forgo the income (she did get her bachelors) to stay home and plan to homeschool. That was very validating for me. My sister in law said, “You’re not going to stay home and waste all that education, are you?” Wisdom and knowledge is never wasted. And most certainly not wasted when you utilize that which you’ve obtained to enrich the lives of those you love.

 

i do think I had “grass is greener” syndrome for a bit. I also think getting a terminal diagnosis honed my perspective. A job when I was 25 for what? Tell me I would have contributed something to society greater than what I did? Doubtful. And, because I would have been in the rat race, would I have grown as a person to be who I am now? No, and what a shame that would have been. True I am not all that I should be, but I have grown far from who I was.

Thank you for writing this. You are so right.

[LucyStoner]

I don't have any major regrets. 

Minor regrets:  We would not have bought a house in 2007 right before the great recession.  Might as well have burned $80K just to see the blaze.  I wish I would have prioritized my self care more and set more boundaries with my extended family.  There was a job I held for two years that if I had the insight I have now, I would have taken care of myself and walked out after 3 months tops.  I would have been less harsh with myself, which in turn would have softened me with other people.

The big stuff had to happen the way it happened.  

Edited May 30, 2020 by LucyStoner

[Soror]

I got married at 20, halfway through college. I went ahead and finished college while working PT. I finished 3 yrs later, worked in my field for 2 yrs and then quit to SAH with my first and have been home since. I had thought about going on for my Master's but honestly was tired of college and didn't want to take on the debt. Over  the years I thought about doing a program that was local and mostly online (that came after my BSW) but times are busy with little ones and now it is no longer offered. I've felt guilt at times I didn't go ahead and get my MSW, I really felt it strongly a few years back. Now, I mostly feel at peace with it. MSW are the lowest paid Master's out there and I don't even know if I want to work in the field anymore. Having my Bachelor's does put me in a better position if I needed a job I guess but it is mostly jobs I'm not sure I want (although if push comes to shove I might not get to be so picky). We contemplated it when dh's work was in imminent danger a couple of years ago, I couldn't bring myself to do it, knowing the stress and how little I'd see the kids.I guess if SHTF it might not be an option anymore but at least I've had all these years with them and that I don't regret. 

I do wish we'd vacationed and saved more in our 20s, especially so before kids, that is the only big thing.

[marbel]

11 hours ago, wintermom said:

I guess it depends on what you do during the homeschooling years. If you're making connections with others, showing to the outside world that you have useful skills, it will be noticed. Those connections with people are often where jobs happen, and if you've also put in the time to have a recognizable degree, it can also open up more doors. 

This is true for some. Remember a story a while back, about a women who returned to work as an engineer after homeschooling her kids for many years?  She had already been an engineer, and during the time she was homeschooling she either taught STEM classes or ran a robotics club or something like that. Anyway, she kept her hand in, for sure, and had a great field to return to. IIRC there were articles about her and the message that came out was "see, homeschooling can be awesome and then you can return to a super career when you are done." 

She did the work, and it paid off for her. She had the foresight, apparently, to get a good/marketable degree, work in it for a time, find ways to stay involved/connected with that world, and it paid off.  

Not everyone is able to set their life up that beautifully, though. I failed at strategy 20+ years ago. It's always the strategizing that kills me. 

[Harriet Vane]

I would have had more kids. I miss child-rearing now.

I would have traveled tons more. I pray I can travel more after the intensities of the pandemic.

[wintermom]

12 hours ago, Quill said:

Well, I don’t know...I *thought* I was doing that. I have done my husband’s secretarial and bookkeeping work for over twenty years. I literally taught myself programs and designed systems from scratch. I was on the board at the homeschool co-op - more skills, more connections. I didn’t burn bridges and still have friends in business and law. I went to college and earned an AA. All those things I was doing so I wouldn’t fade from the employment world, so I could always resume work should that be necessary. 

Well, now it’s necessary. And now all those things don’t amount to much. And now I have the additional concern of a pandemic and massive layoffs. Is anyone even going to *want* a paralegal, nevermind one who would need to learn a firm’s systems before I could work remotely? I’m soldiering on, and I plan to pick some law brains I know, but I’m really concerned about how that will all play out. 

It sounds like you have done and are still doing a lot. I know it isn't easy. I'm living it myself. Having degrees has helped, but I still went back to university to update my skills. I've made new contacts, and got lucky with some contacts through my dc's activities.

The biggest difference I've noticed in myself at 53 compared to 23 is that I'm a completely different person in the workforce and in university classes. The life experience and confidence I have, the ability to think on my own, figure things out and be less of a 'follower' waiting for someone to tell me the next thing to do, all make me quite different than the average new graduate. 

Keep looking for those connections, find a way to describe your skills and qualifications in a way that make sense to employers. And be patient and forgiving of yourself. It took me 2 years to get a job, which I sadly had to give up because of family circumstances. So I'm backtracking a little trying to decide what the next strategy will be. One thing homeschooling has taught me, though, is that I'm always learning new things - about the world and about myself. 

Edited May 30, 2020 by wintermom

[wintermom]

12 hours ago, StellaM said:

So I should have come out of the basement in those decades?!

That's where I went wrong, clearly 🙂

I'm joking - of course I 'made connections' and used my 'useful skills'...which is how I have my very crap job now!

I just don't think those long-term homeschooling mothers who have been out of the workforce forever should be too down on themselves about not finishing their degrees.

It's the being out of the full-time workforce for an extended period of time that's the real killer.

Full-time homeschooling is the mommy track on steroids.

 

I agree that being down on oneself is not helpful. Seems strange that women who have the confidence and ability to take on the challenge of going against the norm and homeschooling their children, now feel that their choice of doing this is suddenly going to be acknowledged by the general workforce. We already know that many people don't recognize the value of this job. Perhaps we're exhausted from the battle and hoping that these people's worldview has suddenly changed because now we want back in.

I think we need to learn the language and the recognized skillsets of the field we try to get into. Just like we needed to learn the 'units of measurement' that certain school boards and colleges use and understand when explaining what our children have accomplished, we need to figure out how to do this for ourselves. Unfortunately, homeschooling mom does not equal a teaching degree. That's just how it goes. We can sulk or we can go back and get the degree that is needed to do the job we want. 

[wintermom]

2 hours ago, marbel said:

This is true for some. Remember a story a while back, about a women who returned to work as an engineer after homeschooling her kids for many years?  She had already been an engineer, and during the time she was homeschooling she either taught STEM classes or ran a robotics club or something like that. Anyway, she kept her hand in, for sure, and had a great field to return to. IIRC there were articles about her and the message that came out was "see, homeschooling can be awesome and then you can return to a super career when you are done." 

She did the work, and it paid off for her. She had the foresight, apparently, to get a good/marketable degree, work in it for a time, find ways to stay involved/connected with that world, and it paid off.  

Not everyone is able to set their life up that beautifully, though. I failed at strategy 20+ years ago. It's always the strategizing that kills me. 

Isn't this a basic formula for a lot of careers, though. While we are homeschooling moms, our husbands are out in the work force staying involved, finding connections and upgrading skills. If they try to change career paths, they often have to go back to college for retraining, and their 20 year old degree may not be worth any more or less than ours. It's not a personal attack against people leaving the recognized workforce for a long period of time. 

Edited May 30, 2020 by wintermom

[Jenny in Florida]

I often wish I had stuck with the idea of getting my master's degree. My first "real" (non-retail) job after college was working for a university, and one of the perks was free tuition and the requirement that your department allow you to flex your schedule in order to attend up to two classes per semester. I did one semester, two courses, got overwhelmed by working full time and other life stuff, took an incomplete in one of the classes and didn't continue. At the time, it didn't seem like a huge deal. I was still pretty young and had no intention of making a career in academia. And that was back when just having a B.A. was "enough." Over the years, though, not having that master's has gotten in my way over and over again. 

I also wish I had been a lot better about money. I didn't grow up with healthy messages about money or any real training about how to manage it, but I was certainly smart enough that I could have done a lot better. Instead, I got into a ton of debt and financial trouble that followed me around for years.

If I had it to do over again, I would have relied a lot less on "help" from my family that created obligations and complications that led to a total crash and burn of my life in my early 30s.

Finally--and I was in my early- to mid-30s when this happened--I do with I had been fore-thinking enough to figure out how to continue working at least very part time in my field alongside raising and homeschooling our kids. Or, alternatively (assuming that thing about money had also happened and we had any to spare), that I had insisted on going back for my master's as my homeschooling time was winding down. Either one of those, I think, would have made my on-ramp back into post-mommying life a ton easier and also more satisfying. 

[marbel]

3 hours ago, StellaM said:

<snip>

I don't think anyone here is sulking.

Right. I see people sharing their experiences and, as requested in the OP, sharing what we would change if we could.

I see my story (and others) as cautionary tales to young moms. Don't be like me! Think strategically and don't assume that the way your life is today is the way it will always be. Plan for change, and don't disconnect from the world while homeschooling/being a stay-home mom for years. 

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

I'm not one to live into regrets--at all.  I have always thought that, with a few exceptions, we don't decide on things in order to screw up.  We are, in general, doing the best we can...AND it is impossible to say what WOULD have happened had we done "the other thing."

THAT said...I wish I had not lived so much into fear of all the things that would happen if I wasn't 100% responsible every single second of every single minute.  Being a little afraid all the time has had too much shaping power in my life...still does.  But I'm working on it.  :0)

 

Ah, my fellow overdeveloped-sense-of-duty friend! 

 

[Penguin]

10 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

I'm not one to live into regrets--at all.  I have always thought that, with a few exceptions, we don't decide on things in order to screw up.  We are, in general, doing the best we can...AND it is impossible to say what WOULD have happened had we done "the other thing."

THAT said...I wish I had not lived so much into fear of all the things that would happen if I wasn't 100% responsible every single second of every single minute.  Being a little afraid all the time has had too much shaping power in my life...still does.  But I'm working on it.  :0)

 

I don't dwell in the land of regret, either. Nostalgia is OK but I really try to live my life looking forward as I just don't find the look-back super helpful. I don't even find that what I learned from my mistakes is particularly useful info for passing on to the next generation since they are living under different conditions.

Except for music. I am definitely stuck in the past when it comes to music 🙂 

Edited May 31, 2020 by Penguin

[EmilyGF]

This has been a good thread. Sometimes, when I think about what I "would have" done for a few moments, I have regrets. But when I thought about it enough to write something down, I realized that I would make the same decisions again, generally. My career-related 20s posts were on the first page.

I think the biggest regrets I have now regard two women I thought were shunning me because I was a stay-at-home mom. They both have a lot of kids and demanding careers.  I felt jealous of them and decided to guard myself by not reaching out, even as our husbands and children became good friends. It turns out that one was on the verge of a mental breakdown and the other on the verge of a divorce. I don't know what good I could have done in either situation, but I could have been kinder and not made excuses (for them or me).

The follow-up for me is to be kinder to people who are raising question marks in my mind. If they reject me, they reject me. 🙂 I've already made that change in one relationship, though now that I reflect on it, I'm wondering how to follow up during the pandemic. Sigh. She's a teacher, too, so if she's on the verge of a mental breakdown, this could be pushing her over the edge.