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So our oldest DS is getting married May 23 in VA.  Obviously this is a terrible time to get married, and their ceremony will not look anything like they had been planning for the past year.  There's no way to do anything later, however, because he is also commissioning the week before the wedding, and they will head off to CA for their first assignment in July.  

VA has a limit of 10 people at ceremonies, so even though they are getting married at the fiancee's parents' house (on 11 acres), and even though 11 of us have been sheltering in place *in the same place* for the past month, the pastor is adamant that only 10 people can be there.  We have 10 children (and the bride has her parents plus one brother), so that automatically means all our kids will not be able to be there. (This is crushing to me. I proposed some options like keep the younger kids in the van until the end of the ceremony, etc, but bride's family is not really looking for solutions and would prefer not to have all of us there. 😥) So as it stands, just sons #2, 3, and 4 will go with us, and the rest of the kids will watch it livestreamed either back here in OH or by themselves in a hotel room in VA. Lovely.  And we will have no family pictures of all of us.  I am really trying to have a good attitude about this, because obviously this is no one's ideal situation, but it is really, really hard. My younger kids are hurt.  

So all that to say, I had not shopped for a mother of the groom dress before everything because I just hadn't had time. Instead I spent a good deal of time finding bridesmaid dresses for my 3 older girls, who were going to be in the wedding (bride left dress choice up to everyone, except for the color), and now are not even going to be allowed to go to the ceremony.  Now I need to find a dress I can order that fits a woman who looks perpetually several months pregnant (thanks to having 10 kids) and that will come before the wedding.  And I'm just so hurt by the whole thing that I'm not really motivated, and I don't want to spend a ton of money.  DS and DH will be wearing their Air Force blue service dress (not mess dress, so I don't need something super formal), and I was thinking something navy blue or perhaps silver/gray.  That's what my daughters would have been wearing. Does anyone have any suggestions of possibilities?  The whole thing just makes my heart hurt. ☹️  Thanks for any help. 

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1 minute ago, Ktgrok said:

Can they do TWO ceremonies? One with half the family, one with the other?

Well, we don't have a place to do one.  We're in Ohio, and they're in VA. I thought the reason they were doing it at an isolated house was so that we could all be there, but apparently I was wrong.  Bride's mom doesn't want anyone to go into the house, so that's one reason she doesn't want our kids there--in case they need to go to the bathroom--so it doesn't seem likely she'd let us have a second ceremony there on their property.

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Just now, AFwife Claire said:

Well, we don't have a place to do one.  We're in Ohio, and they're in VA. I thought the reason they were doing it at an isolated house was so that we could all be there, but apparently I was wrong.  Bride's mom doesn't want anyone to go into the house, so that's one reason she doesn't want our kids there--in case they need to go to the bathroom--so it doesn't seem likely she'd let us have a second ceremony there on their property.

Ugh. Would pastor, for an extra fee, do a special blessing or repeat ceremony at the hotel (outside) so the rest of the family can be present for that?

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When my sister got married, there ended up being 2 ceremonies.  I don't even remember what the circumstances were, it was something medical with him, but I don't know the details.

They did a quick courthouse ceremony with just them, my parents, and BIL's oldest son.  No one wore anything fancy and there were only a few snapshots.

Then, a year later, they had a big old regular wedding.  Bridesmaids and groomsmen, big old cake, formal pictures, everything.

My sister has told me that they celebrate their anniversary on the day of the first ceremony, and they have been married for that many years, but that their "wedding" as they think of it and as their albums show, is all that big ceremonial wedding day.  

Is something like that possible now?  Just do a quick courthouse ceremony so that everything's legal, and then do the celebration next year?  Or even 6 months from now?  

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5 minutes ago, AFwife Claire said:

Well, we don't have a place to do one.  We're in Ohio, and they're in VA. I thought the reason they were doing it at an isolated house was so that we could all be there, but apparently I was wrong.  Bride's mom doesn't want anyone to go into the house, so that's one reason she doesn't want our kids there--in case they need to go to the bathroom--so it doesn't seem likely she'd let us have a second ceremony there on their property.

Ah, so part of the problem is really the bride's family.  That presents a different set of issues.  

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4 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Ugh. Would pastor, for an extra fee, do a special blessing or repeat ceremony at the hotel (outside) so the rest of the family can be present for that?

 

I like that idea!  I am sorry the other family is making this harder.   

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I probably wouldn't be buying a new dress at all. If you guys are not even going into the house, it doesn't sound like it will be a celebration, just a quick ceremony. I am too cheap to buy a new dress for half an hour of an event.....

ETA; oh and I wouldn't take any of your kids. Just you, husband and the son getting married. I only have 3 kids, but can not imagine dividing them for something like this.

Edited by SereneHome
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Is there any way that having a reception sometime in the next year in your home town would be a possibility?  The girls could then wear their bridesmaids dresses and you could get family pictures.  And, if you had another special event you were planning to wear your dress to, would that make it a little bit more joyful for you to pick something out?

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Instead of a livestream, what about Zoom or similar, and having those not physically there do a reading or something, so they are also participating?

Honestly, part of me would be asking my son, in private, if he wants us there, or would rather just get this done quickly, and do something together as a family later. I mean, how far do you have to drive, will it be safe to stay in a hotel then, etc anyway?

Edited by Ktgrok
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32 minutes ago, AFwife Claire said:

My younger kids are hurt. 

What if you left all the siblings? It might be more fair. We had relatives recently marry in this situation (lots of siblings) so none of the siblings attended, just the parents.

4 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

I probably wouldn't be buying a new dress at all.

Yes, I would wait and buy a dress for a reception later, when everyone can attend. It's ok to wear a nice church dress, something like that to a small family wedding. But I would also talk with the other mother and see what she's doing so you dress similarly.

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44 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Ugh. Would pastor, for an extra fee, do a special blessing or repeat ceremony at the hotel (outside) so the rest of the family can be present for that?

Well, see, he's the one holding the line on "only 10" absolutely.  And there are 12 of us, no matter how you slice it.  Oldest DS is the only one not living in our house, so you would think anyone with common sense would see that 11 people who have been sheltering in place in the same house for almost 2 months by the time the wedding rolls around (and the youngest 6 have literally not left the house at all since the second week of March for any reason at all) would be safer than 10 random people from 10 random places, but no, you'd be wrong, apparently.  Pastor is afraid because "churches have been under increased scrutiny" since all those losers in other states have continued holding services. And honestly, I do not care at all for the VA governor and who knows how threatening he has been specifically to pastors.  Bride's parents live right outside Richmond, so pastor is right there in the hot spot of government, so to speak. 

21 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

Is there any way that having a reception sometime in the next year in your home town would be a possibility?  The girls could then wear their bridesmaids dresses and you could get family pictures.  And, if you had another special event you were planning to wear your dress to, would that make it a little bit more joyful for you to pick something out?

That would certainly be lovely, and I hope something like that will happen.  But the reality is, DS will be stationed on the other side of the country, and he'll have several months of training in different places over the course of the first year.  I don't know if or when it will be possible for them to make it back over to the East Coast--and who knows if by the time they get back over here, she'll be expecting or something and not able to fit in to her dress?  So I'll hope, but hold on to that very loosely.  So far not a single other thing has worked as planned, so I'm not real confidant . . .

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24 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

What if you left all the siblings? It might be more fair. We had relatives recently marry in this situation (lots of siblings) so none of the siblings attended, just the parents.

Yes, I would wait and buy a dress for a reception later, when everyone can attend. It's ok to wear a nice church dress, something like that to a small family wedding. But I would also talk with the other mother and see what she's doing so you dress similarly.

Definitely the second son will go.  He would have been the best man, and the two boys are really close (in age and as brothers). We may leave the other 2 boys with the younger kids.  If we leave them in Ohio, then obviously the 18 and 16 year old boys would have to stay (my parents live 10 minutes away if needed but the kids are very capable).  But yes, deciding which kids can go and which kids can't is very painful.

I really don't have any nice church dresses though.  Due to my unflattering perpetually-pregnant shape, I usually wear nice pants and a longer shirt.  I have some really causal summer skirts that I love, but they're not really wedding ceremony garb, even if it is quick and small. So I kind of need to find something, and then I'm sure I'll find other places to wear it.  

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5 minutes ago, AFwife Claire said:

Well, see, he's the one holding the line on "only 10" absolutely.  And there are 12 of us, no matter how you slice it.  Oldest DS is the only one not living in our house, so you would think anyone with common sense would see that 11 people who have been sheltering in place in the same house for almost 2 months by the time the wedding rolls around (and the youngest 6 have literally not left the house at all since the second week of March for any reason at all) would be safer than 10 random people from 10 random places, but no, you'd be wrong, apparently.  Pastor is afraid because "churches have been under increased scrutiny" since all those losers in other states have continued holding services. And honestly, I do not care at all for the VA governor and who knows how threatening he has been specifically to pastors.  Bride's parents live right outside Richmond, so pastor is right there in the hot spot of government, so to 

 

I live in Virginia.  Most people I know are pretty happy with our governor. That said.. the cracking down was for a few isolated cases of large, crowded worship services. Most churches are having their services online.  The governor has not been "threatening," he's one of the more rational ones out there. 

As far as your son's wedding... the number allowed might go up in mid-May, but since you won't know soon enough, I'd suggest a heart to heart with just your son. Ask him what matters most to him, if  no one else was telling him what they want. Use this as a lead for what you do. 

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12 minutes ago, AFwife Claire said:

 

I really don't have any nice church dresses though.  Due to my unflattering perpetually-pregnant shape, I usually wear nice pants and a longer shirt.  I have some really causal summer skirts that I love, but they're not really wedding ceremony garb, even if it is quick and small. So I kind of need to find something, and then I'm sure I'll find other places to wear it.  

 

Nice pants and a long shirt would be fine. Jazz it up with some fun jewelry. 

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I have a wrap dress from winter silks that is real silk (try finding a fancy dress after you get abruptly allergic to polyester for an Air Force occasion that is mandatory fun!!) that works well at various weights.  I can't find winter silks anymore, I think they were bought up or something, but here is an interesting wrap dress possibility on Amazon.  It has free returns on some, I'd look for a wrap dress you like that has free returns from Amazon. The winter silk one was true wrap, it wrapped around and accommodated various weight gains and losses, some wrap dresses are faux wrap, they look like they wrap but they don't, but it's still a flattering style.

https://www.amazon.com/ECOWISH-Womens-Dresses-Bohemian-Sleeve/dp/B07QXCBT8V/ref=sr_1_2?crid=K9SPTOKALUT9&dchild=1&keywords=wrap+dresses+for+women&qid=1588030999&sprefix=wrap+dress%2Caps%2C188&sr=8-2

Edited by ElizabethB
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My nephew got married.  We have a limit of five here so it’s only the two witnesses and the celebrant.  The parents watched from the house and the rest of us watched by live stream.  What they did was had a lunch with one family and then a celebration dinner with the other.  The rest of us got a text with a time and place they were going to get some photos done.  We drove out, stayed in our cars and beeped and waved. My kids made a banner to hold up.  Some people through rose petals etc out the car window.

If I was you I’d buy the outfit and make the most of it.  Make it as wedding like as you can.  even if you all end up watching on livestream.  

I’m not sure why the brides family doesn’t want you there if you all stay in the van.  You could stay in the van, go back to accommodation afterwards and see the couple there.  

The wedding thing sucks I think.  They should have made the rules only immediate family on both sides rather than strict numbers.  It makes me angry that kids can go to school but my relly couldn’t even have his mum and dad present at the ceremony.  I am all for the shut down measures but they are disproportionately weighted in some areas.

 

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2 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

My nephew got married.  We have a limit of five here so it’s only the two witnesses and the celebrant.  The parents watched from the house and the rest of us watched by live stream.  What they did was had a lunch with one family and then a celebration dinner with the other.  The rest of us got a text with a time and place they were going to get some photos done.  We drove out, stayed in our cars and beeped and waved. My kids made a banner to hold up.  Some people through rose petals etc out the car window.

If I was you I’d buy the outfit and make the most of it.  Make it as wedding like as you can.  even if you all end up watching on livestream.  

I’m not sure why the brides family doesn’t want you there if you all stay in the van.  You could stay in the van, go back to accommodation afterwards and see the couple there.  

The wedding thing sucks I think.  They should have made the rules only immediate family on both sides rather than strict numbers.  It makes me angry that kids can go to school but my relly couldn’t even have his mum and dad present at the ceremony.  I am all for the shut down measures but they are disproportionately weighted in some areas.

 

 

Kids aren't going to school in Virginia. Online and such for the rest of the school year. 

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I am sorry this is happening this way. Like a pp, I would be very hesitant to split up my kids for this. It sounds like one son was going to be best man/witness, so that's the only one I'd let go. If everyone can at least get to the area, I may bring everyone and find a park, trail, whatever you have and try and get a family pic there. 

I am absolutely no help on the dress issue. I do think dressy pants and a nice shirt/blouse would be fine in this situation. Heck, my MIL wore a very nice, dressy pants and shirt to our wedding in a church with flots of people there. It was totally her type of outfit, she looked great, and was comfortable. Win-win.

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I would do something special as a family in your formal attire and get pictures, then take a few to the wedding with the rest watching on livestream.  

That is a sad set of circumstances, I'm sorry.  

For my daughter's birthday, we dumped out individually wrapped hostess cupcakes, a new llama cake brand, so they were fun and funny, and invited friends to drive by, honk hello, and pick up a cupcake. My MIL liked the cupcakes best, LOL, she limits sweets and hasn't had a hostess cupcake in ages.  We did visit with Grandma and Grandpa from a distance. She has another friend with the same birthday, they all ordered pizza at the same time but at different houses and chatted virtually via discord.

Llama cake cupcakes, cheaper in grocery store, this is what they look like:

https://www.amazon.com/Hostess-Llama-Cupcakes-LIMITED-Pack/dp/B085ZT65ZM/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=llama+cake+cupcakes+hostess&qid=1588031983&sr=8-1

There is a Llama that lives a few miles down the street, so it is a fun neighborhood joke.

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36 minutes ago, AFwife Claire said:

I usually wear nice pants and a longer shirt.  I have some really causal summer skirts that I love, but they're not really wedding ceremony garb, even if it is quick and small. So I kind of need to find something, and then I'm sure I'll find other places to wear it.  

That sounds fine to me!!! I think pants are fine for this. Maybe a new top if you have time. 

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I’m saying the following only in hopes of getting a smile from you.  I am truly sorry—this is a loss for you and it matters.   

Here is the part that I Hope gives you a smile.  M y godmother’s son is getting married later in the year but what it will look like by then, who knows.  On a zoom call someone asked her what she planned to wear.  She said “A Haz-Mat suit!”  
 

(((you)))

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My son got married March 21 in a live-streamed wedding with only immediate family present (we bumped their wedding up 6 weeks in order to have it before the shelter-in-place order was issued for our state). I did not buy a new dress for the occasion; instead, I wore dressy pants and a two-part blouse that I already owned. I felt perfectly at ease! 

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14 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

 

Kids aren't going to school in Virginia. Online and such for the rest of the school year. 

Yep.  Well they are here and jigsaw puzzles shops and important stuff like that stayed open but my nephew couldn’t have his own family that he lived in the same house with at the wedding.  Anyway.  They made a lovely day of it I just felt like it was slightly unbalanced.

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Not sure if it would work style wise for what you are doing, but I can that that these dresses on Amazon are VERY flattering for those with their weight in their tummy - I'm apple shaped and they are so comfy, and flattering. And They accomodate a wide range of size...I have gained and lost 10-20 pounds and still fit in them easily. I like them so much I own 3 of them! And I always get compliments in them.  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B073PV48QB/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1&psc=1

Edited by Ktgrok
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I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your family.  

Here's an idea.  Don't waste time and money looking for a dress and having to travel to the wicked mother-in-law's house.  Let your husband and the best man brother go.  Stay home with your other children, be the saintly/stoic one,  and let the bride and her mother spend the next few years walking on eggshells around you.   (And as for your absence in the wedding album,  I don't think I'd want to be in any photos with people who didn't want my children to use their bathroom!)

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1 hour ago, AFwife Claire said:

Well, see, he's the one holding the line on "only 10" absolutely.  And there are 12 of us, no matter how you slice it.  Oldest DS is the only one not living in our house, so you would think anyone with common sense would see that 11 people who have been sheltering in place in the same house for almost 2 months by the time the wedding rolls around (and the youngest 6 have literally not left the house at all since the second week of March for any reason at all) would be safer than 10 random people from 10 random places, but no, you'd be wrong, apparently.  Pastor is afraid because "churches have been under increased scrutiny" since all those losers in other states have continued holding services. And honestly, I do not care at all for the VA governor and who knows how threatening he has been specifically to pastors.  Bride's parents live right outside Richmond, so pastor is right there in the hot spot of government, so to speak. 

That would certainly be lovely, and I hope something like that will happen.  But the reality is, DS will be stationed on the other side of the country, and he'll have several months of training in different places over the course of the first year.  I don't know if or when it will be possible for them to make it back over to the East Coast--and who knows if by the time they get back over here, she'll be expecting or something and not able to fit in to her dress?  So I'll hope, but hold on to that very loosely.  So far not a single other thing has worked as planned, so I'm not real confidant . . .

That's not very nice.....

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Vickki Vi would be my dress source for this.  The Navy color is very nice and rich/warm, not dull.  https://www.plusbydesign.com/collections/navy-classics/products/vikki-vi-classic-navy-short-shell-dress

It's a skimmer and heavyish jersey, not at all see through and it hangs well.

I'd dress it up with several long necklaces, a couple of bangles, and festive earrings.  Maybe a flowy open shirt as a jacket.

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I think the bride's family and pastor are being unfortunately rigid. Although it doesn't reflect very well on her mother, the fact that she won't want people to use the bathroom (which could easily be disinfected) sounds like she is operating with some serious fear. I hope you will find that she is a reasonable person in typical times. I'm sorry this situation, which should be a happy one, is causing you pain.

As for the dress...

https://www.amazon.com/Richards-Mother-Bride-Piece-Dress/dp/B07K5Q6FX3/ref=sr_1_52?dchild=1&keywords=mother%2Bof%2Bthe%2Bbride%2Bdress&qid=1588041274&sr=8-52&th=1&psc=1

I personally would look at styles like this -- a sheath dress with a loose and flowy top. I have a tummy myself, and I find that sometimes styles like a wrap dress emphasize my waist too much, so that my stomach seems to protrude more.

When my sister's step-daughter got married, she ordered several dresses from Amazon and then returned the ones that she didn't pick. SInce you can't try before you buy, having a few options would be wise.

My brother married someone from another country, in her country, and no one from our family was in attendance. I know that my mother was upset about it at the time, but in the long run, we've just been happy to have my SIL become part of our family. We were all adults when it happened, so we didn't have young children to explain things to, which makes it more complicated for you, and I'm sorry. But hopefully welcoming your new daughter-in-law into the family will ultimately be a positive and happy thing.

 

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What if you ordered a portapotty for the day and used that?  Could all the kids come in the car then and get a picture at the end?  You could sell it by saying that then no one would have to enter the house!

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6 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

Ah, so part of the problem is really the bride's family.  That presents a different set of issues.  

 

6 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

I like that idea!  I am sorry the other family is making this harder.   

 

Even if it were 100% the bride's family (which it is not), this isn't really fair. They are following the rules about gatherings and being open and upfront about not wanting people in the house. Presumably, the bride and groom are okay with this, or they wouldn't have the ceremony there. 

4 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

 I’m not sure why the brides family doesn’t want you there if you all stay in the van.  You could stay in the van, go back to accommodation afterwards and see the couple there.  

 

1 hour ago, ElizabethB said:

What if you ordered a portapotty for the day and used that?  Could all the kids come in the car then and get a picture at the end?  You could sell it by saying that then no one would have to enter the house!

 

These suggestions would make me so, so stressed as either the bride or the mom. It would be horribly awkward and uncomfortable to know there were people waiting in the van, and I would definitely interpret it as a way of pressuring me to give in on letting people in the house. It would make eloping look very attractive, lol. 

And it's really sad to think about, but there should be no big family pics anyway, or certainly not standard ones. It's max 10 people AND social distancing. 

Nobody asked for this or planned for this. I think they are probably being as fair as possible - the three adult siblings of the groom are attending, as sensible and fair a cutoff as you are going to get in these circumstances. I would encourage the younger kids to reframe their hurt feelings - it makes sense to be disappointed, of course, but this is just a virus, and when's the last time a hurricane hurt your feelings? 

Yes, it's also a response to a virus, but they are following the rules/recommendations as far as the ceremony goes.  People may have different thoughts about what is needed to stay safe, but  we should assume they are doing what they think is best. And I get that maybe the kids are genuinely all "I will be so happy to wait in the van!" but that doesn't mean the bride and groom are happy to have them wait in the van. I would feel super weird about it and like I had to rush. And, if I had to completely change the ceremony I had planned, I'd want to go "all in" on the new plan. If a small ceremony is required, then I'd want to focus on a lovely and meaningful small ceremony, and not have part of my concentration wondering about my 'guests' parked outside in a van, lol. Kinda, sorta, having the whole family there but not really would likely make me much sadder than just embracing what I could have. 

OP, it's not a terrible time to get married, it's just a terrible time to have a wedding, lol! They will have a great story to tell their kids someday. Congratulations to them. 

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9 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

My nephew got married.  We have a limit of five here so it’s only the two witnesses and the celebrant.  The parents watched from the house and the rest of us watched by live stream.  What they did was had a lunch with one family and then a celebration dinner with the other.  The rest of us got a text with a time and place they were going to get some photos done.  We drove out, stayed in our cars and beeped and waved. My kids made a banner to hold up.  Some people through rose petals etc out the car window.

If I was you I’d buy the outfit and make the most of it.  Make it as wedding like as you can.  even if you all end up watching on livestream.  

I’m not sure why the brides family doesn’t want you there if you all stay in the van.  You could stay in the van, go back to accommodation afterwards and see the couple there.  

The wedding thing sucks I think.  They should have made the rules only immediate family on both sides rather than strict numbers.  It makes me angry that kids can go to school but my relly couldn’t even have his mum and dad present at the ceremony.  I am all for the shut down measures but they are disproportionately weighted in some areas.

 

Yes I don't get the wedding thing either. Why not make it 10 like funerals. that way at least the parents could attend even if no siblings could go.

 

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It's not personal, it's a pandemic where restrictions are focused on maximizing medical resources for the most vulnerable.  Parents need to model for the children how to react to these bumps along the road in life.  Be disappointed, articulate the disappointment, and then adapt to the unfortunate circumstances accordingly with a good attitude. Make the best of the situation within the restrictions set at the time of the wedding. (Those might change or they might not.) They should get married within the guidelines everyone else has to follow and then you can have the celebration that suits your personal preferences as closely as possible in the future when restrictions are lifted.

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8 hours ago, katilac said:

ven if it were 100% the bride's family (which it is not), this isn't really fair. They are following the rules about gatherings and being open and upfront about not wanting people in the house. Presumably, the bride and groom are okay with this, or they wouldn't have the ceremony there.

They are being sticklers about the letter of the law, without regard for the spirit of it.  This is a whole family of people already living under the same roof.  The spirit of the law is to keep larger groups from different places apart, it is not to split families up in this way.  

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Just now, happysmileylady said:

They are being sticklers about the letter of the law, without regard for the spirit of it.  This is a whole family of people already living under the same roof.  The spirit of the law is to keep larger groups from different places apart, it is not to split families up in this way.  

I don't think that's true. The limits are there so everyone can be treated equally.  I think if she could talk to the governor and asked him if it was about a set number of people or about keeping families together an event the governor would say that the rule of 10 applies to everyone, including a big family at weddings. 

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6 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

They are being sticklers about the letter of the law, without regard for the spirit of it.  This is a whole family of people already living under the same roof.  The spirit of the law is to keep larger groups from different places apart, it is not to split families up in this way.  

We don't know that though. May be they don't have 100% trust that no one out of the groom's family haven't come in contact with anyone else. Little kids touch everything, may be they are worried about that. Who knows what's going on in their minds....

But regardless of what their reasons are, I think it's unfair to blame them and accuse them. This is a very scary time and people are handling they way they are handling it.

 

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Unless the 2 families are very close, there is no way to know how "safe" anyone has been.  And an adult is going to be more diligent about spacing and hygeine than a possibly exposed young child.  I would just assume the family is nervous about the virus either because of health concerns and/or some level of anxiety and are doing the best they can under the circumstances.  

 

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I'm sorry you're going through all of that...  

I don't have fashion advice, but wanted to comment on the other part.  I agree that MIL is probably experiencing pretty major anxiety, and would try and work around it as best as possible while still making the day special for the young couple.  (And try and let go of frustrations -- which I totally get!!)  Were all of you planning to go to Virginia and stay in a hotel?  If so, how about this:  Just you and dh and your ds who is the best man attend the ceremony in person, and live stream it for the rest of the family back at the hotel.  Maybe the bride's parents were going to have a small reception at their house after that for those at the ceremony?  Either way, when that's all over, then just your family (including family at the hotel) can go to a park nearby to celebrate, and bride and groom can make an appearance so the rest of your family can see them and congratulate them in person.  You can have a picnic spread and balloons and make it special.

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2 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Unless the 2 families are very close, there is no way to know how "safe" anyone has been.  And an adult is going to be more diligent about spacing and hygeine than a possibly exposed young child.  I would just assume the family is nervous about the virus either because of health concerns and/or some level of anxiety and are doing the best they can under the circumstances.  

 

Although this is certainly true, the fact that they all live under the same roof already means that they would all be presenting the same level of risk.  An asymptomatic carrier is an asymptomatic carrier, regardless of age.  

 

Having said that, my primary suggestion is still, small, simple ceremony now, and larger full on wedding later, like in 6 months, or perhaps even as an anniversary celebration or something.   That would still provide the celebration experience, just, later.  Lots of folks are choosing to postpone altogether, though I get why that’s not really possible here.  

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We had to have an emergency small wedding for visa reasons, and later had a large celebration.

I wouldn't try to replicate an ideal: instead have a small wedding with just the couple, celebrant and witnesses. Then a year or more hence, have an enormous party.

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8 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Although this is certainly true, the fact that they all live under the same roof already means that they would all be presenting the same level of risk.  An asymptomatic carrier is an asymptomatic carrier, regardless of age.  

If you were going to be exposed to something, would you rather be exposed to a 5 year old or a full on adult with the same illness?  I got many more bugs when my kids were younger than I do now that I have older teens.  I just kind of get that perspective as someone who is past the young kid phase of life.  I get that some of the limitations are annoying and very sad.  We just had a 10 person widely space funeral for my MIL who would have packed a church under different circumstances.  None of her grandchildren could be there.  We were able to livestream.  I just wouldn't hate on the hosting family for trying to stick to current recommendations.  Everyone is likely doing the best they can under the circumstances.  If another parent came to the board and said she was trying to host a very small safe wedding and the other family was putting pressure on for more people, etc they'd likely get support.   I totally get it is sad for th OP.  But it is what it is.  I doubt the other family is remotely thrilled with how it going down.  I'm sure they are sad too.

I would save your money for a big celebration of some kind later.  And maybe none of you will be able to wear the same clothes and maybe she'll be expecting and it will be a shower too.  That's ok.  We will get through this.  ❤️  

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1 hour ago, Laura Corin said:

We had to have an emergency small wedding for visa reasons, and later had a large celebration.

I wouldn't try to replicate an ideal: instead have a small wedding with just the couple, celebrant and witnesses. Then a year or more hence, have an enormous party.

I like that advice...  Don't try and replicate.  It's a whole different experience!

My dd had a separate wedding ceremony for visa purposes too.  It was just she and dh and dh's family.  

Six months later, we did the bigger traditional ceremony and reception, with both families and extended families and friends present.

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A possible solution:

Keep within the 10 person limit at the wedding in VA.   Have someone at the wedding arrange some sort of facetime/Skype type set up for family members not in attendance to watch/listen to the ceremony live then turn it around at  the guests after the ceremony.  Those watching live at home should get dressed in whatever they've already bought to wear to the wedding or their nicest outfits if they don't already have something. Then the people watching from home can eat a  pretty weddingish cake off of pretty plates, and drink punch and/or champagne while the bride and groom take a little time during the reception in VA to chat with them over facetime/Skype like couples often do going from table to table to chat with guests in person at their reception.

If you know someone who has the Photoshop skills necessary, you can even coordinate a future wedding photo with everyone if you plan accordingly.  Those 10 at the ceremony can plan some photo poses with ample extra empty space in them-I suggest something with pretty trees or bushes in the background.  Those at home can arrange themselves for a picture in nature with ample space to be added to the one with those at the wedding ceremony.  Whether it's a seamless blend or obvious add on, it makes for a joyous memento where everyone is in it together and making the best of the frustrating situation.

Then later there can be an anniversary party later where everyone is all together.

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19 hours ago, Laurie said:

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your family.  

Here's an idea.  Don't waste time and money looking for a dress and having to travel to the wicked mother-in-law's house.  Let your husband and the best man brother go.  Stay home with your other children, be the saintly/stoic one,  and let the bride and her mother spend the next few years walking on eggshells around you.   (And as for your absence in the wedding album,  I don't think I'd want to be in any photos with people who didn't want my children to use their bathroom!)

I understand this on some level, but I would never, ever miss my son's wedding. That's something you can't get back. 

Edited by hippiemamato3
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4 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I don't think that's true. The limits are there so everyone can be treated equally.  I think if she could talk to the governor and asked him if it was about a set number of people or about keeping families together an event the governor would say that the rule of 10 applies to everyone, including a big family at weddings. 

Oh I would love to talk to Gov. Northam.   If the sisters and brothers (from the same family, not a fraternity) wear protective head coverings (instead of KKK hoods) and face masks (instead of blackfaces) and a photo from the wedding surfaces, couldn't they just offer an apology with no consequences?  

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18 hours ago, Laurie said:

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your family.  

Here's an idea.  Don't waste time and money looking for a dress and having to travel to the wicked mother-in-law's house.  Let your husband and the best man brother go.  Stay home with your other children, be the saintly/stoic one,  and let the bride and her mother spend the next few years walking on eggshells around you.   (And as for your absence in the wedding album,  I don't think I'd want to be in any photos with people who didn't want my children to use their bathroom!)

 

37 minutes ago, Laurie said:

Oh I would love to talk to Gov. Northam.   If the sisters and brothers (from the same family, not a fraternity) wear protective head coverings (instead of KKK hoods) and face masks (instead of blackfaces) and a photo from the wedding surfaces, couldn't they just offer an apology with no consequences?  

No one is saying this doesn't suck.  No one wants this to be happening. And everyone agrees this can't go on indefinitely.

Are to trying to make a 2 wrongs make a right argument? I agree that if someone was involved with the KKK in any way other than confronting them or trying to persuade them to change their minds about minorities, they shouldn't hold office.  What does that have to do with abiding by an order advised by medical experts to mathematically reduce the rate of spread of a virus that is causing severe issues for the medically vulnerable population so we can meet their needs on scale with our limited medical resources? They're different and unrelated.

I'm not into honor/feud culture, so your outrage is wasted on me. Why it's being personalized by the OP and some posters is beyond me.  I don't think making a stink about this is reasonable or advisable. As a Christian, I don't think there is a biblical basis for disobeying the government in this situation.  The government isn't demanding anyone to do something the Bible forbids. The government isn't denying all forms of anything the Bible commands. The Bible commands we obey the government as long as it's not making obeying God impossible.

Your suggested response to your child's future in-laws and the pastor officiating the ceremony to them abiding by government restrictions that apply to everyone else is bizarre to me.When you insist on all or nothing, you usually end up with nothing.  Being rigid for no good reason destroys relationships that could've been strengthened by reasonable accommodation. No, it's not about the mother of the bride not wanting your kids to use her bathroom, the rule is 10 people and they're abiding by it.  The pastor reiterated the rule probably because of all the damage the 3% of churches defying group orders are doing to the name of Jesus and Christians by rebelling against government for no good reason.

The OP's family is not special. Your family is not special.  My family is not special.  If it had been my sibling getting married we'd have to choose between parents, step-parents and 5 siblings, not counting all their kids just on my side.  People would have to bow out politely out of love for the couple who have enough to deal with during this trying time. It wouldn't be imagined as a personal attack or as an affront by a "wicked" person.  There's nothing saintly or stoic about what you propose or about setting people up to walk on egg shells around you or boycott a wedding you were invited to. It's petty, childish, and vindictive.

There are plenty of ways to still celebrate this marriage without violating government restrictions designed to assist the medical community in meeting what could easily become overwhelming need like we saw in Spain and Italy.  American hospital workers did not sign up to make the same decisions as military medics on the battlefield, deciding whose needs to treat and whose to ignore because there aren't enough of them to go around.   Plenty of people are doing without lovely family filled milestone events for the sake of loving their neighbor, buying the medical community time to look for effective treatments while exposing the least number of people, and keeping the limited ER resources available to as many people having genuine emergencies as possible. It's not about the mother of the bride and her kids. No one should be taking any of this personally.  Part of being an adult is understanding the big picture and being able to separate what is personal and what is general.

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