Grandparents living far away vs nearby

[athena1277]

We have never lived less than 3 hours from either of our parents, so my kids have never seen their grandparents very frequently. Visits are from 3 days to a week, a few times a year.  There’s usually a little loosening of the rules and a bit of spoiling by the grands during those visits, but dh and I try to keep it in check.  
 

My mom will be retiring later this year and moving near us.  We’ll see her at church and she’s offered to help getting kids to activities or watch little dd when I need to take the olders places.  In other words, we’ll see her a lot.  I’m glad about that, but I’m worried that we will have problems with her trying to bend our rules too much or too often.  She and dh get along well enough, but he will get really upset if it happens very much.  I want this to be a good transition, but this will be the part that will turn things sour quickly if we aren’t careful.  
 

Any advice, especially if you have BTDT?

[Pen]

Discuss with her in advance.    Straightforward.  Rare visit rule bending versus everyday rules. 

[Carrie12345]

My life went in the opposite direction, where I grew up with nearby grandparents and my parents were close by for my son’s first year and a half.  Now they live near/with my sisters’ kids. I’m definitely of the mindset that nearby grandparents are 1,000 times better than far away ones.

I have had in-law issues, but that was about who they are/were as people who happened to be grandparents, not just because they were grandparents.

If you have a good relationship with your mom, a few conversations about it should go a long way.

[Annie G]

You might find that things naturally change when she sees your kids more. Until a year ago we lived 1000 miles from our grandkids, and our kids grew up 1000 miles from their grandparents.  Seeing each other just a few times a year meant the urge to spoil was strong.  But now that we live closer, it’s different. Being more involved with their lives is so much more fulfilling than spoiling them with Frappuccinos and candy, or letting them watch too much tv or get away with breaking rules.   It’s just not necessary now because we know the kids better and we’re developing strong bonds based on real things.

That’s not to say that you won’t have to stick to your guns as your mom transitions.  But hopefully she’ll realize that your rules are non negotiable. 

[Arcadia]

My parents are easy in the sense they do not get offended for long if we disagree. My mom had stayed a few times for six months (B visa) to help babysit when my kids were younger and we happily agree to disagree. 
My in-laws are the ones who would be sarcastic and go behind our backs 😞 

When we lived within commute distance of my in-laws, they insist on dropping in unannounced. They are the kind that would not have shelter in place if there wasn’t the legal threat of fine and jail (not US) so setting ground rules doesn’t work with them. 

[SounderChick]

I think you will be able to tell if it might be a problem if you think about your visits.  Is it that's it's vacation etc the rules are just relaxed? Or is that Grandma pushes for the rules to be relaxed or do obviously not normal things like ice cream for breakfast without asking you and than sayings it okay because grandma's house.   

If it's the first one I wouldn't worry to much.  If it's the second I would be very clear on what you want help with and than decline said help if it gets overstepped.  

My parents live in town and it's great they do fun things with the kids but they ask us first.  If they pick a kid up from an activity they don't stop for ice cream. They also don't try to parent us or the kids. 

MIL on the other hand tries to takeover, make plans directly with kids, gives treats or presents every single time she sees them and constantly questions our parenting in subtle ways.  So we don't see her much.