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Contacting long lost relatives...


sweet2ndchance
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No one in my family of origin has heard from my younger brother in many years. It's a long story with many twisted details that I don't really want to get into but he and I were on good terms when he disappeared so I don't think he ghosted me, at least not on purpose. I haven't heard from him since February of 2001. I haven't seen him in person since he spent Christmas at my house in December 2000.

I still search for him when I think about it. His birthday is in a couple of days so I was thinking about him so I searched again. I found a promising lead with a wireless number for him. I have thought about texting him but when I actually sat down to do it today, I realized I had no idea what to say.....

I have anxiety issues so texting feels safer to me than cold calling so please don't suggest that I call instead, that is not going to happen.

So what would you say in a "cold call" type text that may or may not be the person you are looking for (it is suppose to be his current number as of the past 3 months at least) Would you ask a question only the person you were looking for could answer if they text you back?

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I realize you don't want to call, but I guess I would want them to answer me.  I feel like calling would have better odds of them picking up rather than texting which they can ignore.  

But, I would definitely have stuff written down because I would become flummoxed on the phone.

I agree with you that you'd want some kind of identifier that it is him but first I guess I would text and ask him if he is ____ from ______ with a sister named _______.   One identifier might be your parents or grandparents names or street they lived on?

 

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3 minutes ago, OKBud said:

I'd say "Hey it's OKbud and I'm looking for Brother to tell him I love him."

If it's not him, they'll probably say so. If it is, it's in his hands.

Something like this. I think I might say "this is your sister (...)"

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See, about the call being less likely to be ignored, I don't want to force him to answer me. I just want him to know that I'm still here and still think about him. If he doesn't want to answer me, he has his reasons. Then my own anxiety of having to talk to someone who might not be my brother just adds on top. I'd much rather text where I think about what I want to say and how I want to say it before answering or even saying anything in the first place.

I do like the ideas so far. I don't plan on sending this text until around 9am local time for him so please keep the ideas coming. :-D

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Oh and I have moved around the world and back more than once since I last talked to him so my contact information, even my last name, has changed as I've divorced and remarried since he last talked to me. He is as likely to be suspicious of a number coming from the middle no where claiming to be his sister as I am of this number not being him.

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27 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

See, about the call being less likely to be ignored, I don't want to force him to answer me. I just want him to know that I'm still here and still think about him. If he doesn't want to answer me, he has his reasons. Then my own anxiety of having to talk to someone who might not be my brother just adds on top. I'd much rather text where I think about what I want to say and how I want to say it before answering or even saying anything in the first place.

I do like the ideas so far. I don't plan on sending this text until around 9am local time for him so please keep the ideas coming. 😄

I think your plan is good.
I’d probably walk myself through possible outcomes before doing it, because I like to try to brace for anything. If there’s no response, will you cope okay with not knowing whether or not it is him?

I tried contacting someone in November, and it does still irk me that I don’t know whether or not they got my messages. It’s a much different scenario though, so it’s a small irk, not a major anxiety.

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10 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

If there’s no response, will you cope okay with not knowing whether or not it is him?

Yup, I would be fine if he chooses not to respond. At least I tried, I can't control his response , or lack thereof, so it is not worth worrying about to me. I've already been through that with my younger sister.

Yes, I am a very strange mix of anxiety and confidence. Even my husband says he never knows what will set me off and what I can easily cope with. ;-)

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As regarding calling - I don't answer unknown numbers. If it is somebody who wants to get in touch with me, they can leave a message. 

I'd be tempted to text what OKbud suggested and follow it with another text along the lines of if this is Brother, I'd love to hear from you - a text or phone call would be much appreciated - but somehow softer so it doesn't feel pushy. 

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Texting is a good way to go.  It feels less threatening, I think.  And there’s a good chance that if it’s the wrong number they will let you know.

I like what OKBud said.  Simple, authentic.

Hoping that it’s him, and that you get to connect.  

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So here's what I went with...

"Hi, I am looking for my younger brother who has a birthday this week. I was told this might be his current number. [name removed], if this is you, I want to wish you a happy birthday and I would love to hear from you."

So hopefully he replies back or I at least get a response from whoever it is that has this number. :-P

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[Name], thinking of you as your birthday draws near.  [Sign with a distinctive childhood nickname or memory jogger of yours,]  Can you please let me know you got this message?

You can verify he's the actual person in another text if he responds.

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14 minutes ago, SKL said:

[Name], thinking of you as your birthday draws near.  [Sign with a distinctive childhood nickname or memory jogger of yours,]  Can you please let me know you got this message?

You can verify he's the actual person in another text if he responds.

I'll have to do some thinking on the memory jogger but I like this idea. :-)

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I was in your shoes about 12 years ago.  I found my long lost ( 28 years lost) sister but I could not for the life of me work up the courage to contact her.  She is the one who then found me on FB .  She said something like, ‘ hey I think of you often and I hope you are doing ok’.  I about fell out of my chair.  We have been very very close since that day.  

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