Need advice/opinions about teen daughter

[Kassia]

Dd will be 18 at the end of the summer.  She's an introvert with social anxiety.  I've always made sure she has interaction outside the home because I feel it keeps her used to communicating with others.  She has attended DE classes, volunteered, and had a part-time job.  Now, with the pandemic, she's been home for a month with just me and DH.  She was supposed to do a summer research internship but that was canceled so now she has no plans outside the home.  She's really good about using her free time productively so I'm not concerned about that, but I'm worried about her social skills deteriorating and told her she needs to find something outside the home once the restrictions are lifted - a job, volunteer work...something that keeps her interacting with people.  We live in a semi-rural area and there aren't a lot of opportunities here, though.  She had a part-time job at the library, but quit right before the restrictions mostly due to her schoolwork/commute time being too much with working.  I know she could get that job back, but she's uncomfortable asking. 

Am I being unreasonable/harsh by insisting that she do something that gets her involved with other people?  She's a great kid and looking forward to starting college in the fall (which I'm afraid will end up being online and she'll be stuck at home with just the two of us for even longer).  She already has plans for the summer in terms of skills she wants to learn and projects she wants to do.  I don't want to cause her more stress with my insisting on her doing something that gets her out with other people (especially now when it might not be the best time for contact) but I also don't think it's healthy for her to be only with her parents 24/7.  

 

 

[mlktwins]

This is such a stressful/scary time for everyone.  She sounds like she has plans to learn skills and do projects that will keep her productive and happy, which is the most important thing in my opinion.  I would let her enjoy her summer without the stress of having to be outside her comfort zone for a few months.  Sounds like she can do what she needs to do socially when necessary.

...and my boys volunteered at the very germy library until this happened.  That is the last place I would be sending my kid as soon as restrictions are lifted.  Just because they are lifted, doesn’t mean this virus is gone.

 

Edited April 12, 2020 by mlktwins

[regentrude]

She sounds like she is productive and has plans in place for the fall. I would not force her to go out and interact with people. Just because the restrictions are lifted does not mean it is absolutely safe to do so. Even as the raging extrovert I am, I will err on the side of caution and limit my people interactions. I would not put a teen who already has anxiety in normal circumstances in a situation that is anxiety producing for people who never struggled with it before.

[Guest]

I think, due to the virus and the way it is curbing even the most social of people for a while, it’s just not the hill to die on for now. If your dd is happy and has planned projects so she’s not just sitting around feeling sorry for herself, that’s really as good as it needs to be for IMO, a year or so. 

As an introvert who really loves doing things at home and by myself, I can tell you that can be a perfectly satisfying life. Under ordinary circumstances, I certainly think it is good to do little social things, and I have constructed my adult life such that I do have those. But the weird current reality is that I won’t be part of those social circles much for the indefinite future, except by Zoom meeting or other online platforms. 

I don’t expect long-term damage to happen to your dd if she is mostly stuck in the house for the next year, given that you said she has projects and is happy. (If she was reacting in an emotionally unhealthy way, that would be different.) 

[Bootsie]

I do not think her social skills will deteriorate quickly.  I would take one day at a time.  I would be concerned that to tell her now that she will need to do something (that she may find stressful) when COVID restrictions are over would simply be anxiety producing in that there isn't really anything she can do about it now,    At this point, it is difficult to tell how long this will last and know even what opportunities will be available to her.  If it ends up that her classes are online in the fall and there seems to be reasonable opportunities for her to get out, then I would approach the issue at that time.

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

ut I also don't think it's healthy for her to be only with her parents 24/7.  

It also isn’t healthy have COVID19.  I mean, I know nearly all of us are going to be exposed eventually but, for some of us, that’s going to wind up being because of others’ expectations/wants/needs rather than our own, which really sucks.

As an introvert with minor social anxiety (more general,) I’m loving not being with other people and don’t consider that unhealthy. I do understand it’s a little different in my household with more people. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t make me mentally healthier to force myself to take on unnecessary activities during a pandemic.

[PeterPan]

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

told her she needs to find something outside the home once the restrictions are lifted - a job, volunteer work...something that keeps her interacting with people. 

It doesn't seem like this is actionable for her right now. Nobody has any clue when stuff will open up, whether it will be staggered, what options will be available.

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

She has attended DE classes, volunteered, and had a part-time job. 

So it seems to me that the dc who was motivated enough to do all those things and line up a summer activity before will do it again.

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

something that keeps her interacting with people.

I agree with the others that her skills are not going to magically go away. It more sounds like she has anxiety and that you've been plowing through it by having her go out and are worried that she'll settle in. So maybe it's time to work on treating the anxiety? This kind of social anxiety can respond well to meds, and many people who start them at this age BLOSSOM. 

If you want a way to retain her skills, you could work on lining up teletherapy with an SLP or psych who specializes in social thinking, conversation, etc. They're out there and have plenty of openings unfortunately, so it's more just what you have coverage for. My ds has lost a lot of the incidental contact he gets, so we've been ramping up more teletherapy hours. It has been really good for him and is a bright spot in his day.

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

So maybe it's time to work on treating the anxiety? This kind of social anxiety can respond well to meds, and many people who start them at this age BLOSSOM. 

If you want a way to retain her skills, you could work on lining up teletherapy with an SLP or psych who specializes in social thinking, conversation, etc. They're out there and have plenty of openings unfortunately, so it's more just what you have coverage for. My ds has lost a lot of the incidental contact he gets, so we've been ramping up more teletherapy hours. It has been really good for him and is a bright spot in his day.

 

I've encouraged her to get help with therapy and/or meds, but she is against doing either.  All I can do is keep telling her there are resources either on campus, through our doctor, or with private therapy.  

 

[Kassia]

A HUGE thank you to everyone!  You made me feel much better.  She is so good about using her time wisely...I will definitely let this go and let her enjoy her summer the way she wants to.  🙂

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share your thoughts.  I appreciate it very much and I know this will benefit dd.  

 

 

[PeterPan]

2 minutes ago, Kassia said:

 

I've encouraged her to get help with therapy and/or meds, but she is against doing either.  All I can do is keep telling her there are resources either on campus, through our doctor, or with private therapy.  

 

And the irony is the anxiety is what is causing the reluctance to accept care. It's definitely not logical. And your best window to help her is right now, before she's 18. 

My ds has a lot of anxiety and he's just starting into his push back stage. I'm not letting it be a choice for him, but it's that combo of having seen where this goes and that he's not self-aware enough yet to realize. That's actually what we're working on, realizing how he feels before and after the meds so he can begin to self-monitor. 

I was also under the impression that all doctors used SSRI/SNRIs, and of course we've all read the stats on teens and those meds. There are some other med options too. 

[PeterPan]

4 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I will definitely let this go and let her enjoy her summer the way she wants to.  🙂

Yes!!! And she sounds so capable, it seems like something will open up for her as things open up again. 

 

[katilac]

My college kids definitely don't have the time for their own projects and skills the way they did in high school, so one more reason to let her have at it this summer! The time will go by really fast for all of you, I bet. 

If classes are online in fall, address it then. 

[Kassia]

18 minutes ago, katilac said:

My college kids definitely don't have the time for their own projects and skills the way they did in high school, so one more reason to let her have at it this summer! The time will go by really fast for all of you, I bet. 

 

She's always taken DE classes in the summer and she worked last summer, too.  This will be her first time having a summer to herself.  She already has lots of plans for what she wants to do.  

I am so glad I posted this question!  I struggle with anxiety too, and this was stressing me out but now I'll let it go and let her do what she wants.  

 

[RootAnn]

Hugs @Kassia. I think you are making the right decision.

[Garga]

I’m introverted.  As much as I hate what’s happening with this virus, I can’t help myself from loving being able to just stay at home.  I have felt more stress free and calm than I’ve ever been in my life.  (Though, I miss wandering around Ollies and looking at all the good, cheap stuff there. Alone.)

My kids are more introverted than I am.  My life with them has been years (17 years) of insisting that they do something outside of the home while they whine and fuss and resist.  It’s been non-stop stress on me and them, making sure they they get some sort of social time because I didn’t want them to grow up with no skills at all. When they were young, I felt it was 100% appropriate to insist that they do something outside of the home with other people.  Even so, I haven’t demanded very much at all.  Compared to their friends, my guys do pretty much nothing.  

However, like me, my boys have also been calm and content this past month while we’ve been isolating at home.   

My oldest turns 18 in September.  I’ve backed off this past year, but from the second he turns 18 forward, I will never again insist he do something social with others (barring any spirals into depression or something like that.). 

As long as he is content, he is the master of his own social schedule once he is 18.  I’m kinda done with the stress of it.  

 

Edited April 12, 2020 by Garga

[catz]

If the virus weren't a thing, I would think this is totally reasonable.  But given it is a thing, I'd kind of watch and wait.  If she is using her time reasonably well it might not be a hill I die on right now.  I have a college freshman I might just encourage to do online classes this summer because hope of a summer internship which (he had a couple groups reach out to him before this went down) seem low.   And even as restrictions are eased, I want the ability to watch and wait for our own situation.  

Does she have any online zoom meetings/social outlets?  I might encourage her to start an online book club, gaming group, etc or join an existing one if she isn't communicating with anyone else regularly,

Edited April 12, 2020 by FuzzyCatz

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, FuzzyCatz said:

 

Does she have any online zoom meetings/social outlets?  

 

She does text with a couple of friends and might communicate with her future roommate (they talked on the phone for the first time last week).  She might even see one of her local friends this summer once things open up again.  She also might do some kind of independent study with a close friend of the family who is a professor.  She has zoom meetings with her regularly now since she is actually doing independent study with her for class credit this semester.  

She also has three older brothers and communicates by text or FB messenger with two of them most days.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Garga said:

 

However, like me, my boys have also been calm and content this past month while we’ve been isolating at home.   

 

 

I have noticed this with my daughter.  She hasn't left the house in over a month after being crazy busy with school and work.  She loves it and is so much more relaxed and happy.  

[Zebra]

I'm in a similar situation with my dd.   She will be 17 this summer, and "officially" done with homeschooling.   She's started DE classes at the local CC this past school year, but we were assuming she would get a part time job by summer.  She's signed up for 2 classes for this fall, but that's not enough if that's all you are doing.  She had just started to apply for jobs, and she was about to go for her license.    And then, BAM, the virus.   Now everything is on hold.

She's an introvert, and an only child.   She entertains herself well.  But, I thought her independent life was just about to begin.   Her social life has always been a struggle, she's always had friends and activities, but it's always been a lot of work for me and hasn't come easily.   And I thought, finally, she will have a job and classes and a license and be able to handle her own life!

Like you, I have struggled with the whole situation.   Honestly, my DH was the one who just told me to accept it and chill out.   And it took me probably a week, but I think I am there now.   This happened SO QUICKLY and is still a lot to get used to.  This summer and fall (and maybe longer) isn't going to be "ideal" for our young adults, and it stinks.   We can't measure our expectations the same as we did even a month ago.   I think it's all a process, as we get used to the "new normal" and reframe things in our minds.

Bottom line, I'm there too.   I get it.   It's tough.  

[Garga]

1 hour ago, Zebra said:

I'm in a similar situation with my dd.   She will be 17 this summer, and "officially" done with homeschooling.   She's started DE classes at the local CC this past school year, but we were assuming she would get a part time job by summer.  She's signed up for 2 classes for this fall, but that's not enough if that's all you are doing.  She had just started to apply for jobs, and she was about to go for her license.    And then, BAM, the virus.   Now everything is on hold.

She's an introvert, and an only child.   She entertains herself well.  But, I thought her independent life was just about to begin.   Her social life has always been a struggle, she's always had friends and activities, but it's always been a lot of work for me and hasn't come easily.   And I thought, finally, she will have a job and classes and a license and be able to handle her own life!

Like you, I have struggled with the whole situation.   Honestly, my DH was the one who just told me to accept it and chill out.   And it took me probably a week, but I think I am there now.   This happened SO QUICKLY and is still a lot to get used to.  This summer and fall (and maybe longer) isn't going to be "ideal" for our young adults, and it stinks.   We can't measure our expectations the same as we did even a month ago.   I think it's all a process, as we get used to the "new normal" and reframe things in our minds.

Bottom line, I'm there too.   I get it.   It's tough.  

 

This sounds a lot like me and my oldest.  I feel like I could have written that post!  I have been thinking lately, “I can’t wait for him to run his own life!”  With his executive function issues, I would probably still help him figure out how to juggle things, but ultimately, I’m ready for it to be HIS life.

After working through his anxiety about driving for the past year and a half, he was on track to get that license by June.  In Aug he would have started 2 classes at college.  In Sept he would turn 18 and start taking classes 3 nights a week at a ministry school.  He would still live at home, but he’d be out and be his own person for the first time.

I was prepared to back off and let my little bird experience all these new things on his own and watch from afar.  Homeschooling means we are just so in each other’s faces all the time.  I felt like the above was the exact mixture of what he could handle with his anxiety/introversion.  

Aaaaannd...it’s all up in the air now.   We can’t go out and practice driving without risking a fine. Classes in Sept will probably be online.  No clue how the ministry school will handle things. 

At least he’s introverted and doesn’t seem to mind. I was the one looking forward to watching him take over and be his own person.

Edited April 12, 2020 by Garga

[Terabith]

19 minutes ago, Garga said:

 

This sounds a lot like me and my oldest.  I feel like I could have written that post!  I have been thinking lately, “I can’t wait for him to run his own life!”  With his executive function issues, I would probably still help him figure out how to juggle things, but ultimately, I’m ready for it to be HIS life.

After working through his anxiety about driving for the past year and a half, he was on track to get that license by June.  In Aug he would have started 2 classes at college.  In Sept he would turn 18 and start taking classes 3 nights a week at a ministry school.  He would still live at home, but he’d be out and be his own person for the first time.

I was prepared to back off and let my little bird experience all these new things on his own and watch from afar.  Homeschooling means we are just so in each other’s faces all the time.  I felt like the above was the exact mixture of what he could handle with his anxiety/introversion.  

Aaaaannd...it’s all up in the air now.   We can’t go out and practice driving without risking a fine. Classes in Sept will probably be online.  No clue how the ministry school will handle things. 

At least he’s introverted and doesn’t seem to mind. I was the one looking forward to watching him take over and be his own person.

Where are they fining people for practicing driving?   I don't at all doubt you, but here it would be okay, although I'd personally have some hesitations to practice city driving and such.  

[Garga]

4 hours ago, Terabith said:

Where are they fining people for practicing driving?   I don't at all doubt you, but here it would be okay, although I'd personally have some hesitations to practice city driving and such.  

PA and MD (I live 4 miles from the MD border).  If you aren’t going to an essential job or getting food or medicine, you are not to be on the road.  They aren’t stopping you to ask, but if you’re in an accident (or pulled over for any reason) and they find that you were out for a non-essential ride, they’ve fined people.  My BIL works in MD and has to carry a paper with him saying he has an essential job.

They don’t want people driving around and getting in accidents and then they have to tend to you. 

I’ve been having him drive me to the store for food now and then, but I don’t want to be out right now so we’re only doing that once a week or so.  

Edited April 13, 2020 by Garga

[Selkie]

9 minutes ago, Garga said:

PA and MD (I live 4 miles from the MD border).  If you aren’t going to an essential job or getting food or medicine, you are not to be on the road.  They aren’t stopping you to ask, but if you’re in an accident (or pulled over for any reason) and they find that you were out for a non-essential ride, they’ve fined people.  My BIL works in MD and has to carry a paper with him saying he has an essential job.

They don’t want people driving around and getting in accidents and then they have to tend to you. 

I’ve been having him drive me to the store for food now and then, but I don’t want to be out right now so we’re only doing that once a week or so.  

Same in Illinois. The State Police have sent out repeated warnings to not be on the road unless you are traveling to and from an essential job, getting medical care, or going to the grocery store or pharmacy. We had to write letters for our employees to carry with them when they are traveling to and from work.