Seeking perspective of conservative Christian women with a complementarian view of marriage

[maize]

3 hours ago, Liz CA said:

 

I knew it had been tried with good results for depression but didn't know it was now also used for OCD. Always good to know.

They target a different part of the brain for OCD treatment:

https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/transcranial-magnetic-stimulation-tms-for-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/

[LMD]

Okay, I take your point about an unbiased test. And I totally get that the forced slower pace right now might seem like good timing. Had you previously talked to him about wanting to do that kind of trial?

I wonder (just throwing out ideas now) if he feels kind of gaslighted - like he might dismiss any signs because she's on her meds as usual, must be my imagination. And, he's not a guinea pig to test possible serious side effects on, he's your husband - whom you want to be a helper to, not a hindrance.

I mean, I don't think you've necessarily done anything wrong. But is it about being right, and asserting your rights to your husband, or working with him to respect his opinion (even if you think he's wrong)?

[EmseB]

I actually totally understand this being a good time to do it. I had been having a lot of anxiety about the flu before all this happened. Once everyone in my house was required to stop cavorting with every kid in the neighborhood who brought home every germ from school I actually felt super at peace. No one is getting anything from anyone!

[Jentrovert]

I like the suggestions above to make an agreement for a trial and each keep separate charts, and to lower the dosage in smaller increments. I think this would have seemed reasonable to me (as the spouse upset by unilateral decision). Though I would still have worried, it would be reasonable. It would have been my preference to have the dr's input as well.

Maybe agree ahead of time on certain areas to chart, both objective and subjective. At the very least, it would give you a lot of good info. This would also allow (require) him to pinpoint exactly what his concerns are. It also shows that you take his concerns seriously. 

[MercyA]

2 hours ago, J-rap said:

I've read some of Schwartz's books...  He's done some pretty amazing research on OCD.  Has your dh read any of his material?  Schwartz does talk about changing the brain for people with OCD.  He believes in a "mind" that's separate of the "brain" that can exert will power over the brain and physically change it through therapy.

I don't know what to advise...  Your dh seems thoughtful and wise (according to posts of yours).  I'm sure he's concerned about past struggles returning.   At the same time, I get your wanting to try it on your own without biased observations.   Well now that it's all out in the open, I'd discuss and make a plan with your dh.  Perhaps you can both agree on a short-term trial period.  You can make separate charts and each record daily observations or something.  

I do know that for some people anyway, it can be very difficult to see how things like that might be affecting your perception and those close to you, so even though you seem very self-aware to me, I'd keep that in mind.   We feel pretty strongly that one of our children has OCD and it is wreaking havoc and heartache in our lives, although he doesn't see it at all.  So, that's of course in the back of my mind.  

And speaking of that, I'm sure my own dh has mild OCD (it's definitely hereditary), but over time, he gained the ability to step outside of it to see if it "made sense."  He says he still struggles with it inside, but he keeps it inside because he knows it's out of balance.  So just saying, you can definitely improve over the years!  (And my dh was a kid who in elementary school used to ask to go to the restroom mid-morning so that he could wash his socks in the bathroom sink...  they "felt" dirty even though they were clean just a few hours earlier.)

Maybe your dh needs to hear more about the people who improve!

DH hasn't read Schwartz's materials himself, but I've told him about them

He is thoughtful and wise and definitely has the well-being of myself and the whole family in mind. I admit I feel rebellious about it because the side effects are affecting me, not him. He doesn't mind the weight gain. He doesn't mind me napping so long every day. Our intimate relations are not difficult or something I avoid--just not AT ALL the same for me anymore. [Don't quote this part, please. 😉]

I know he thinks the side effects are worth it, which, frankly, is easy for him to say. *If* I were to become non-functional again without the meds, I would agree. But how can we know if I still need such a high dose if I don't try lowering it? 

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this with a child. It's so hard. I also know someone who is hurting her family tremendously because she has OCD and/or other mental problems and she is complete denial about it and refuses to try meds. I get the frustration. 

Your husband sounds like he has put some CBT strategies at work for himself on his own! That's great. I feel for him about the socks! One of my mother's things was that her knee socks had to be perfectly and exactly even in height. She was actually spanked once because she would not leave for school because her socks weren't even. I get it!

[MercyA]

3 hours ago, LMD said:

Okay, I take your point about an unbiased test. And I totally get that the forced slower pace right now might seem like good timing. Had you previously talked to him about wanting to do that kind of trial?

I wonder (just throwing out ideas now) if he feels kind of gaslighted - like he might dismiss any signs because she's on her meds as usual, must be my imagination. And, he's not a guinea pig to test possible serious side effects on, he's your husband - whom you want to be a helper to, not a hindrance.

I mean, I don't think you've necessarily done anything wrong. But is it about being right, and asserting your rights to your husband, or working with him to respect his opinion (even if you think he's wrong)?

Yes, we've talked about doing trials and tried one in the past. I ramped my dose back up quickly after that one; it was apparent to me in under a week's time that I still needed the higher dose. I am hoping things are different now.

You are asking good questions. No, I don't think it's about being right. I'm sure it is at least partly about wanting to assert my rights, which is one of the reasons why I asked the question in the first place. It's really pretty simple: the side effects suck and he is adamantly opposed to me reducing my meds. 

[LMD]

I'm sorry Mercy, sounds difficult!

[maize]

You might consider that cutting an SSRI med by 1/3 of the dose you have been taking is a pretty drastic reduction; we go much, much slower anytime Dh is trying move to a lower dose or wean off one of those. Like, not more than 5% at a time and proceed very, very slowly. The brain needs time to adapt.

[MercyA]

1 minute ago, maize said:

You might consider that cutting an SSRI med by 1/3 of the dose you have been taking is a pretty drastic reduction; we go much, much slower anytime Dh is trying move to a lower dose or wean off one of those. Like, not more than 5% at a time and proceed very, very slowly. The brain needs time to adapt.

You are right. I'll take 125 mg. for a while rather than 100 mg. I don't think I can split the pills any smaller. 

[Junie]

I have zero experience with the med that you are taking, but I know that when I was weaning off prednisone I did it gradually.  I think some people call it "bouncing".

I'm not giving you medical advice, but I'm explaining how I weaned off one of my medications.  It might work for your med; it might not.  I would check with your doctor.

So, for instance:

Day 1: 150

Day 2: 150

Day 3: 125

Day 4: 150

Day 5: 150

Day 6: 125

(2 regular, 1 low)

Then switch to every other day for a week

Then 1 regular, 2 low...

[Ellie]

"I tried a week with 100 mg. / day instead of 150 mg. I feel fine so far. I told my DH and he was not happy. I feel like I should have complete control over the choice of medications I put in my body. He feels he should have significant input because of the effect on our family of me being medicated or not."

You should have complete control over the choice of medications you put in your body. He doesn't get to "allow" you to do anything.

If you thought it would be useful to have a discussion with him, because sometimes it's good to have conversations with others about things like this, then have the discussion. "Significant input"? What does that mean? That he could in any way actually make the decision? No. 

[Scarlett]

13 hours ago, maize said:

You might consider that cutting an SSRI med by 1/3 of the dose you have been taking is a pretty drastic reduction; we go much, much slower anytime Dh is trying move to a lower dose or wean off one of those. Like, not more than 5% at a time and proceed very, very slowly. The brain needs time to adapt.

Yes, my experience with SSRI, although limited, was NOT good. I have the brain zaps when I missed 3 doses.  It is one of the reasons I avoid all those type drugs.  That is not to say I think every one should avoid them, I realize their value, but I can totally understand that you might want to get off of them. 

That said, back to the marriage issue.  I think the real conflict you are having is not because your Dh is doing anything ‘wrong’, but rather your reaction to your own feelings of defiance when you felt controlled.  At least that is how I am.....I believe in the headship model, and I am a very strong personality and I struggle with where the line is sometimes.  Thankfully, I believe your Dh, like mine, only has your best interest at heart and in mind, so I think you are good.