My brothers child

[Scarlett]

Some of you might remember my brothers ex wife died a few months ago. Leaving my brother to raise their 8 year old son.  I have been very nervous about the what if’s.,.....who would take this child should something happen to my brother.  My brother is very out there. Just...nuts really.  And worse, very anti his raisin’. So lately he has been video chatting me....at the same time I had to un friend him because his posts were so nasty toward my faith. 
So tonight in video chat, I brought it up.  Do you have a will? No. Well, as the practical next of kin, I need to know what your desires are as regards this 8 year old child. Because if you don’t want me to raise this child I will not be fighting for him. 
 

Wow. Well. He first said his friend X along with adult son would do it. I said, ok, just so we are clear, that is your desire. Then he starts back peddling.....saying I was what he wanted, but he was concerned....about religion etc.  so we started chatting about that.  I told him that Dh and I had already discussed and agreed we would take this child a year ago when things were blowing up.  He started in about beliefs.  I told him, I would take this child and love this child but that would include my belief system....and that was non negotiable.  He asked if that meant shaming child for not believing as I do.  I said no.   We were making progress, when he said his girlfriend had arrived and he wanted to continue this conversation in private.  
 

I feel  ill  over this.

Anyone have experience?

 

Edited March 24, 2020 by Scarlett

[gardenmom5]

sounds like you're actually making progress. 

let him know if he wants a non-family member to raise the child - he better have a will.   and if he wants a particular family member to raise this child - he'd better put it in a will.

and he'd better make sure that will is available if he dies before the child is 18.

[Scarlett]

This is really more about how much I am willing to fight. 

[klmama]

I'm confused.  If he states he wants you to raise the boy, why would you have to fight?  Do you mean if he dies without a will?  If he wants you to raise the child, please encourage him to write a legal will.  

[Scarlett]

If my brother names someone other than me to raise this child, it is highly unlikely I will fight that in court. 

[Scarlett]

He apparently does want me to raise the child but he wants me to reassure him in some way about how I  would  raise him. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Is your bother seriously ill and expected to die soon?

 

[Tanaqui]

Scarlett, have you ever heard the phrase "don't borrow trouble"? That's what you're doing right now. You're worrying about something that's a low likelihood of happening (your brother is probably not going to die tomorrow) and that you can't fix now anyway (you cannot force him to talk to his friend and/or write out a will). None of this, at this moment, is your responsibility. So stop worrying about it. Pray or whatever, and then go do something else, something productive where your efforts might actually matter.

Edited March 24, 2020 by Tanaqui

[Carrie12345]

Just because I can use a distraction...

Throwing it out there that states generally believe that displaced children are entitled to preserve the religious (or not) beliefs of their FOO. I realize this hypothetical wouldn’t be the same legal scenario, but the argument is the same. When I started looking into foster care years ago, I determined that I would not be a good placement for children from firmly religious families because of that. I’m not good at “faking” solid support, but I also acknowledge that tinkering with a cognizant child’s faith is an additional trauma on top of losing their parents.

[Guest]

I agree with Tanaqui that you’re borrowing trouble, unless your brother has a terminal illness or is otherwise highly likely to die. 

I personally would not make promises to not raise a child according to my beliefs. It would be too strained to fake it. 

[Hadley]

Faith is personal.  If I could throw Christ on someone else, I could save the world!  Alas, it doesn’t work that way.  

I could never agree to raise a child in a faith in which I knew to be false, neither could I suppress my own faith.  If this child comes into your family, you should continue to live out your beliefs as you have always done.  Whether or not the child follows your example would be between him and the Lord.  

[Scarlett]

Thanks all, I guess I just needed to vent a bit. My brother is not terminal but he is not healthy at all. He is 4 1/2 years younger than me but looks 20 years older.  Seeing how bad he looks is what got me to thinking about it.  He was obviously very anxious to discuss it too when I brought it up.  
I know in my heart my brother believes I am the best person to raise the boy if my brother can’t.  But I won’t be able to suppress my beliefs to anyone much less to a child in my long term care.  But I will just leave it at that with him.  

[Harriet Vane]

Scarlett, I would not get bogged down in semantics about faith at this point. (And I speak as someone whose faith is central to all that I do and think.) 

What is at the heart of your brother's concern? He does not want his child to suffer. 

Reassure your brother in strong terms that any child in your care will be loved extravagantly and fully accepted for who they are. There will never be shaming, guilting, or blaming for being different or for believing differently, and there will never be ugliness, manipulation, or harshness about religion. 

 

[Scarlett]

15 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Scarlett, I would not get bogged down in semantics about faith at this point. (And I speak as someone whose faith is central to all that I do and think.) 

What is at the heart of your brother's concern? He does not want his child to suffer. 

Reassure your brother in strong terms that any child in your care will be loved extravagantly and fully accepted for who they are. There will never be shaming, guilting, or blaming for being different or for believing differently, and there will never be ugliness, manipulation, or harshness about religion. 

 

Yes, this is how I will approach it with him.  

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I think it would be fair to say to your brother, "I would love and raise your child, within our faith.  But when child is age x, I would share with him that you were not of our faith and I would attempt to fairly represent your reasons for leaving the faith.  I would give child resources then on both sides of the question, and he would have the mental and spiritual maturity to follow his own heart and conscience.  But while child is a minor, I would consider his spiritual upbringing to be my responsibility as I see best."

[HS Mom in NC]

The only thing a parent can do is a choose a person to raise their child and put state it in a will.  That person, like every other person on the planet, is a packaged deal.  So brother needs to face that reality.  If he chooses Scarlett, he gets Scarlett for his child as is: personality, preferences, flaws, faith, socioeconomic status, values, future changes, etc.  Either he's is or he's out with Scarlett, as is, as caregiver should he die or be unable to care for his son.  He doesn't get to decide what Scarlett does or how she does it at any point in Scarlett's existence. Scarlett simply needs to explicitly state that she will raise the child the way she outlines to him,  and if Brother isn't comfortable he must get a will made ASAP and specify who he does want raising his child, knowing that person is a packaged deal the same way Scarlett is a packaged deal.

If he has any sense, he'll be able to assume Scarlett will treat his unbelieving son however it is he has observed Scarlett treating other unbelieving people. I'm betting he's OK with how she does that or he wouldn't even consider her to begin with. Let's face it, we all indicate to outside observers what we really think of unbelievers when they see and hear us interact with and talk about them and other unbelievers.  Kids we raise are watching the closest and know deep down that's how we'll think of them. Kids aren't stupid.

When dealing with a person who struggles with reality, you have to explicitly state, reiterate, and remind them of the details of that reality without much emotion. " This is how it is.  What are you going to do about it?  That's not realistic because....What are you going to do about it? That's not practical because....what are you going to do about it? OK, that seems reasonable, what are you doing to make that a reality when you're no longer able to speak and decide for yourself? " No apologies, no appeals to emotion.  No drama.  Just matter-of-fact real life practicalities.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

He was obviously very anxious to discuss it too when I brought it up.  

 

I would be anxious too if somebody just randomly said in a conversation "So, who gets the kids when you die?"

[Scarlett]

59 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

I would be anxious too if somebody just randomly said in a conversation "So, who gets the kids when you die?"

I think I used the word anxious when I should have said eager.  He jumped on whatever it was I said and took off with it.  He was not uncomfortable.