If you and spouse don’t agree on quarantining

[Janeway]

I want to go ahead and quarantine. My husband told me “I didn’t know you were one of those quarantiners.” Then I heard him say something about it being stupid when he left. Meanwhile, he wants to go to the store, son is out with friends. Son plans to go out tomorrow. When I remind him I have asthma and am immune deficient and we have other kids to think about too and I don’t think this one child wanting to hang out at a mall with a group of friends is worth the risk, my husband tells our son that he doesn’t care but if Mom feels so strongly about it, he can’t go. 
I feel so frustrated. 

edited for typo causing grammar error

Edited March 16, 2020 by Janeway

[Ausmumof3]

17 minutes ago, Janeway said:

I want to go ahead and quarantine. My husband told me “I didn’t know you were one of those quarantiners.” Then I heard him say something about it being stupid when he left. Meanwhile, he wants to go to the store, son is out with friends. Son plans to go out tomorrow. When I remind him I has asthma and am immune deficient and we have other kids to think about too and I don’t think this one child wanting to hang out at a mall with a group of friends is worth the risk, my husband tells our son that he doesn’t care but if Mom feels so strongly about it, he can’t go. 
I feel so frustrated. 

Maybe show him this

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-usa-guidelines/trump-urges-no-gatherings-higher-than-10-people-to-fight-coronavirus-idUSKBN2133GT

[May]

52 minutes ago, Janeway said:

I want to go ahead and quarantine. My husband told me “I didn’t know you were one of those quarantiners.” Then I heard him say something about it being stupid when he left. Meanwhile, he wants to go to the store, son is out with friends. Son plans to go out tomorrow. When I remind him I have asthma and am immune deficient and we have other kids to think about too and I don’t think this one child wanting to hang out at a mall with a group of friends is worth the risk, my husband tells our son that he doesn’t care but if Mom feels so strongly about it, he can’t go. 
I feel so frustrated. 

edited for typo causing grammar error

Is this the first time he has behaved like this? If so, I’d have a private conversation with him. If not, I doubt that his behavior will change now. I would keep the kids home and just tell them you and Dad disagree on this topic. 

[Tanaqui]

WOW.

Just, wow.

[Janeway]

9 minutes ago, May said:

Is this the first time he has behaved like this? If so, I’d have a private conversation with him. If not, I doubt that his behavior will change now. I would keep the kids home and just tell them you and Dad disagree on this topic. 

I think this whole thing where some people are the internet are mocking and making fun of others on the internet who are self quarantining has left him taking sides and we are not on the same side. And it really ticks me off. He can be on a different side, but he should discuss it with me, not treat me like some anonymous person on the internet that he has seen made fun of.

[May]

1 minute ago, Janeway said:

I think this whole thing where some people are the internet are mocking and making fun of others on the internet who are self quarantining has left him taking sides and we are not on the same side. And it really ticks me off. He can be on a different side, but he should discuss it with me, not treat me like some anonymous person on the internet that he has seen made fun of.

And you should have that conversation with him, in private. Personally, I’d be furious if my DH made these comments in front of our kids. 

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, Janeway said:

I think this whole thing where some people are the internet are mocking and making fun of others on the internet who are self quarantining has left him taking sides and we are not on the same side. And it really ticks me off. He can be on a different side, but he should discuss it with me, not treat me like some anonymous person on the internet that he has seen made fun of.

I feel for you because I think the only reason I’m not in the same boat is bc our daughter is in France and dh has paid more attention to what is happening there than he otherwise would have. 

ETA: it’s part of the reason I approve of strict measures coming directly from our governor or from Trump. (Our governor is a Republican.) It’s harder for a Trump-supporting Republican to argue nonsense when strict measures are coming directly from our fed and state government. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by Quill

[Terabith]

My husband is being pretty supportive, but he's going to work (which is necessary) but also wants to go to board game night and aikido.  The community center where aikido meets is closed, so they want to meet at the park.  But....no confirmed cases within two hours of here, and this could go on for months, so I'm really torn as to how strongly to push.  My in laws are over 70 and still going out to eat, walking at the gym, doing regular shopping.  I did go to Pet Smart to stock up on cat food.  

[Janeway]

20 minutes ago, Terabith said:

My husband is being pretty supportive, but he's going to work (which is necessary) but also wants to go to board game night and aikido.  The community center where aikido meets is closed, so they want to meet at the park.  But....no confirmed cases within two hours of here, and this could go on for months, so I'm really torn as to how strongly to push.  My in laws are over 70 and still going out to eat, walking at the gym, doing regular shopping.  I did go to Pet Smart to stock up on cat food.  

The ballet academy is still running the day program and I know we have few cases around here, but with spring break just having happened, a lot of the kids travelled. I think that in the next couple weeks, we will see a lot of people with it because of the timing. Also, people in Italy are coming out saying they wish they had gotten on top of it in the first place. Now patients who could be treated are having to be left to die as medical staff are having to pick and choose who to care for with limited resources. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by Janeway

[Terabith]

We have not had spring break, although kids are out of school right now.  It's really hard to read relative risk.  Both my husband's board game group and aikido are about five people.  

[ktgrok]

And again, people need to understand that "no confirmed cases" is likely because no one is TESTING!!!! Actual medical professionals cannot get tests for people here that haven't traveled out of the country. So yeah, no known cases when no on is actually testing for it means pretty much nothing. 

Pence, who was with someone who tested positive, has not even been tested! Says he didn't have "significant" contact and "doesn't have symptoms". Um, within 6 feet, or touching something the dude touched within the last 3 days is enough contact. And you don't have to have symptoms!

[theelfqueen]

My DH and I do not agree on particular elements of the recommendations.

We live in a significantly impacted state. He feels that our current level of response is adequate but is not willing to restrict young adult son who lives in our home, and wants teen son to participate in karate while the dojo is still open, and suggested having his D&D group here when the library closed. (I haven't made a declaration on karate yet... feeling conflicted... and told DS to host D&D online not here). Intellectually I feel meeting CDC recommendations is enough but emotionally my gut is closer to quarantine. And of course, he is at work, in a secure area where I cannot discuss things with him. 

Factor: I'm asthmatic and my high risk parents live close by. He is not and his parents are 1000+ miles away. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by theelfqueen

[Spy Car]

Pull the distributer cap from the car. He ain't going nowhere, except on foot 

Bill 

[chiguirre]

Harris and Dallas counties have already shut down theaters and bars and limited restaurants to drive thru or carry out, so I think the decision may have been made for you. Unless your ds plans to cruise the aisles at HEB, his options will be limited.

[happi duck]

2 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

And again, people need to understand that "no confirmed cases" is likely because no one is TESTING!!!! Actual medical professionals cannot get tests for people here that haven't traveled out of the country. So yeah, no known cases when no on is actually testing for it means pretty much nothing. 

Pence, who was with someone who tested positive, has not even been tested! Says he didn't have "significant" contact and "doesn't have symptoms". Um, within 6 feet, or touching something the dude touched within the last 3 days is enough contact. And you don't have to have symptoms!

Really, truly "no confirmed cases" means nothing.  This is the moment that everyone makes the sacrifice to stay home whenever possible and be super careful when necessary to be out.  Once testing starts in earnest there *will* be cases.    Social distancing flattens the curve if we start sooner than later.

[Terabith]

2 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

And again, people need to understand that "no confirmed cases" is likely because no one is TESTING!!!! Actual medical professionals cannot get tests for people here that haven't traveled out of the country. So yeah, no known cases when no on is actually testing for it means pretty much nothing. 

Pence, who was with someone who tested positive, has not even been tested! Says he didn't have "significant" contact and "doesn't have symptoms". Um, within 6 feet, or touching something the dude touched within the last 3 days is enough contact. And you don't have to have symptoms!

Oh yes.  I've been saying that for weeks and using my gloves and such.  But, he works for the (huge) hospital in the area, and they aren't seeing an uptick in pneumonias or respiratory illnesses, so he doesn't think it's a real issue.  And, while I'm sure it's here, it probably isn't here in large quantities yet.  We are a decent sized city, but we're 3-4 hours from any other city of any size, not a tourist destination, and our schools had a late spring break.  

I think it's the perfect time to flatten the curve, but I do see his point that this is a long haul situation, and trying to figure out balancing social distancing with mental health.  Shutting everything down is doable for a couple weeks, but probably not realistic for a year.  

Edited March 16, 2020 by Terabith

[ktgrok]

16 minutes ago, Terabith said:

 

I think it's the perfect time to flatten the curve, but I do see his point that this is a long haul situation, and trying to figure out balancing social distancing with mental health.  Shutting everything down is doable for a couple weeks, but probably not realistic for a year.  

So do it for now, and it if lasts too long it starts to impact health, THEN loosen up. 

[ktgrok]

Meanwhile, my spouse agrees in THEORY but has no clue HOW to be careful. He came home from work and the grocery store and unloaded, touched stuff, stood around, and only when he went to grab a piece of food did he think he should mayb wash his hands. And I had to explain that if he touches his phone while out, then washes hands, then touches phone again he needs to wash again. He was like, why? Sigh. 

And he's currently leaning on my kitchen counters in his work shirt, that I'm sure he leaned on tables and counters in at work. 

edit, I just asked him to please change and he is, but I got a "look". 

Edited March 17, 2020 by Ktgrok

[LMD]

Dh asked me to cancel music lessons yesterday. I was a bit annoyed but respected his request. He has an annoying habit of usually being right (for example, he stocked up on basics back in Jan.) Of course, I found out when I cancelled that the teacher had been on a flight over the weekend...

We agreed that I'd still go to homeschool group today because it's nearby, small, and everyone is well (I know I know). He is less concerned about the actual virus for our family - all low risk in this house and we are fine to isolate - and more concerned about people being crazy, people are tense, aggressive. So driving 10mins around here is not anxiety provoking for him, but driving 90mins on busy freeways into the city is! Everything seems to be shutting down next week anyway, so I guess he wins by default (did I say annoyingly usually right?! 😄) 

[SounderChick]

Not DH but it's hard to see friends/acquaintances be glib.  One set went to Seattle Friday & Saturday skipped church were planning to come to our women's group.   Another is falling deep into it's all a conspiracy I don't understand it all but somehow it involves coming for all our guns. 🤷

[trulycrabby]

nm

Edited March 17, 2020 by trulycrabby

[Terabith]

1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

So do it for now, and it if lasts too long it starts to impact health, THEN loosen up. 

I totally agree.  I can do that for myself and my kids, but my husband is 43....

[KungFuPanda]

5 hours ago, Janeway said:

I think this whole thing where some people are the internet are mocking and making fun of others on the internet who are self quarantining has left him taking sides and we are not on the same side. And it really ticks me off. He can be on a different side, but he should discuss it with me, not treat me like some anonymous person on the internet that he has seen made fun of.

I'd just ride it out.  Sadly, in a few weeks they'll be forced to change their tune.  My state just shut down everything that's non-essential.  They wouldn't have the option of dining out or going to the mall here.  It's all closed.

[Janeway]

4 hours ago, Spy Car said:

Pull the distributer cap from the car. He ain't going nowhere, except on foot 

Bill 

Ok....thanks!!! Just to clarify, this is a part I can put back in a couple weeks right?

[mathnerd]

7 hours ago, Janeway said:

I think this whole thing where some people are the internet are mocking and making fun of others on the internet who are self quarantining has left him taking sides and we are not on the same side. And it really ticks me off. He can be on a different side, but he should discuss it with me, not treat me like some anonymous person on the internet that he has seen made fun of.

Don't stress out too much. They will not have any options for going out other than for essential services in a few days time. Almost 9 counties of Northern California are shut down as of today and I hear that they will extend it to other parts of the country in a very short while. Nobody will mock you then!

[Pen]

Stick to your own needs for yourself and kids as much as you can.  For your health situation you are correct to be quarantining at this time. 

[Spy Car]

1 hour ago, Janeway said:

Ok....thanks!!! Just to clarify, this is a part I can put back in a couple weeks right?

Totally. Really easy. My first car (early 80s) was a cherry 1959 VW bug. A beauty. These are ridiculously easy to steal. Whenever I parked it in a dodgy neighborhood, I'd set one of those clamping steering wheel locks, flip the pet-cock that controlled the gas line to 45 degrees (which cut the gas supply), and--if it was really bad--I'd pull the distributer cap.

It is a little plastic rotor that's inside the distributer. Or at least they existed in the olden days 

Bill (who realizes now he's sort of a dinosaur)

[mom@shiloh]

My dh and I disagreed at first. I had to make decisions about canceling events for a large group of people, so I was doing lots of research. He was trying to adjust to the changing needs of his work environment and wasn't reading much about it. The little that he was reading wasn't fact based imo. I was able to counter his arguments with facts and logic, and now that everything's being shut down, I think he is seeing that I was right. Of course, I don't expect him to tell me that. 🙂  Whatever. I would have preferred to have been wrong in this situation. 

[Scarlett]

Show him this article

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/01/gunnison-colorado-the-town-that-dodged-the-1918-spanish-flu-pandemic

[Amy in NH]

Huh.  People who don't believe science and facts and instead rely on bunk and opinions spouted by Fox News and like-minded politicians are putting their families in danger and acting like jerks about it?  Know you know what the rest of us feel like arguing with "those people" who fail to listen to rational arguments.  I've given up trying to reason with "those people".   Can't argue with stupid.  Good luck! 

[J-rap]

I'm sorry -- that must be frustrating.  However, I do understand how hard it is for this stuff to sink in when everything around you feels the same and everyone around you looks healthy still.  Having many family members in the medical field, I've had some inside scoop that has helped me change my tune.  Even large medical centers like Mayo are preparing for an onslaught.  Doctors are talking about how to choose between who lives and who dies (if they run out of space and resources).  We are doing everything we can to keep it from reaching that point.  All restaurants are closing in our state, and in fact, are behind this decision.  A group that represents the restaurants in our state announced last night that even knowing that most of them will not make it through this and that the majority of restaurants will probably have to permanently close, they are still supporting this decision anyway because it's the right thing to do to save lives.  (That brought tears to my eyes!!)  Perhaps if you explain things like that to your dh, it will start to sink in.  Or in another week or so when he is actually seeing it, it will probably sink in.  These are strange times for everyone.

 

Edited March 17, 2020 by J-rap

[ktgrok]

I'm realizing a basic lack of biology and health knowledge is a huge part of this. Instead of daily press briefings we need a national streaming biology class/hygiene class! Coming from a medical background I didnt' realize how much more info and training on this I have than the average person. I was taught how to scrub in to the surgery room, how to open sterile packages without contaminating them, how to properly sanitize, etc. I was taught that if you are wearing sterile gloves but then touch your gown that brushed against the door you are no longer sterile. that during prep we picked up the gauze soaked in surgical soap with one hand, then scrubbed the patient with the other hand, then took a new piece with the clean hand - not the one you scrubbed the patient with. That kind of thing sticks with you, and I'm realizing that very intelligent, caring people just do not think that way. 

Like my husband using his phone at the grocery store, then washing hands, then using the phone again and not realizing he now needed to wash hands again. Or leaning on the desks at work in his shirt sleeves, and at the counter at a food service place, and then leaning on my clean counters at home in the same shirt sleeves. Just never would have occurred to him. That is a huge reason we need the social distancing. Because just "washing hands" isn't nearly enough. 

[Happy2BaMom]

Well, making an quiet comment on the way out the door about "stupid" is just plain ole passive-aggressiveness.

My spouse & I agree, although we're both fairly fluid (OK with errands, friends), but I have a brother (not in my state) who is just belligerent that this is all just stupid, that the flu kills far, far more people than this ever will, etc. TBH, it's a macho thing...."Let the mature adults in the room stand tough" type attitude. IME, this attitude is utterly impervious to facts or reason. (I pointed out to my brother that the death rate in Italy is running 7 - 8%ish*...didn't matter.) He's decided, and placed his ego behind it. If the pandemic here turns out to not be one, he'll never admit that the shut downs had anything to do with the success....it'll be, "See? Told ya it wasn't gonna be that bad."

Truthfully, I think the only thing you can do is *not* to disagree, but to say, "I know you think this is crazy, but it really helps me to feel happier." Or something to that effect. He may still discount your "emotions" but he will (I think) be more likely to agree to accommodate you than if he feels his beliefs are being challenged.

(* death rate calculated from today's figures...2,158 deaths out of 27,980 confirmed cases, although these numbers seem to change by the hour)

[athena1277]

Now y’all have got me worried.  My dh is currently overseas, but will return next week, assuming he can leave the country he’s in (no cases yet, but they are getting nervous).  He is getting very little news of all the craziness, mostly just what I text him about.  I can totally see him coming home and not understanding what the big deal is about.  At the moment we aren’t going anywhere except me to get groceries and worship on Sunday morning if it isn’t cancelled.  He will be ready to load everyone up and go out and about.  At least now I can start putting together a good argument on why we shouldn’t do x, y, and z.

[Janeway]

4 hours ago, Happy2BaMom said:

Well, making an quiet comment on the way out the door about "stupid" is just plain ole passive-aggressiveness.

My spouse & I agree, although we're both fairly fluid (OK with errands, friends), but I have a brother (not in my state) who is just belligerent that this is all just stupid, that the flu kills far, far more people than this ever will, etc. TBH, it's a macho thing...."Let the mature adults in the room stand tough" type attitude. IME, this attitude is utterly impervious to facts or reason. (I pointed out to my brother that the death rate in Italy is running 7 - 8%ish*...didn't matter.) He's decided, and placed his ego behind it. If the pandemic here turns out to not be one, he'll never admit that the shut downs had anything to do with the success....it'll be, "See? Told ya it wasn't gonna be that bad."

Truthfully, I think the only thing you can do is *not* to disagree, but to say, "I know you think this is crazy, but it really helps me to feel happier." Or something to that effect. He may still discount your "emotions" but he will (I think) be more likely to agree to accommodate you than if he feels his beliefs are being challenged.

(* death rate calculated from today's figures...2,158 deaths out of 27,980 confirmed cases, although these numbers seem to change by the hour)

I am more upset with him calling me a "quarantiner" as if I were a conspiracy theorist, and then the remark about stupid in front of the kids after walking away, and then last night he made more remarks. If he wanted to discuss it and be reasonable, then it could have been a two way discussion.  

Edited March 17, 2020 by Janeway