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Picture on phone


JadeOrchidSong
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Oh that's totally something I would have confronted right then.  I would have used a joking sort of tone, but I totally would have asked "oh, who's pic was that, is that your work wife?" 

Now, what I would have done from there would have depended in my DH's reaction.  

 

I will say though....I see the cover photo on DH's phone almost daily.  Whether he's checking the time, or turning off his alarm or whatever, I see the face of his phone almost every time he checks it at home.  Has your friend really never seen the cover photo of her DH's phone before?

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The screensaver, so if a kid picked up his phone a child would have seen what was at best porn?

DH already knows how I feel about porn. I'd be quietly planning for divorce, but that is not the advice I would give to anyone who had never had a confrontation about it before.

 

ETA:  Snooping.  I'd start snooping and checking cell phone bills.  Some companies will still send print outs of all text messages sent from some numbers.

ETA2: Oh I misunderstood, not porn, just a photo of another woman.  I'd assume he's having an affair and start hiding money now to prepare for divorce.  And get print outs of all bank transactions.

Edited by Katy
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I would also like to gently suggest that....unless her DH is really stupid....

It could very well be something as stupid and innocent as a pic from like a movie ad or something.  Like maybe he put Harley Quinn on his phone but was embarrassed because his wife would find it weird that he was into a Harley Quinn movie lol.

I keep a couple of paper planners, and I hate when DH looks at them because he often teases me about them.  I have post-its, stickers and doodles all over them and he finds that funny, so I hate when he looks at them and I get weird if he tries to.  

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I like the idea of keeping quiet and playing dumb while conducting her own investigation. He will think he's gotten away with something and she can gather evidence. 

But I'm also the type who wouldn't be able to bite her tongue. I think she could ask, "Hey, the other day, I saw something strange on your phone, and it's been bothering me. Do you have a picture of another woman on your phone?" And see how he responds.

Know that he will probably lie, and she will probably want to believe the lie. 

 

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Maybe it was a celebrity woman who he is a fan of but embarrassed to admit (e.g. reality stars, porn stars etc) and hence he tried to hide it? She should secretly investigate what is going on. She should wait until he is asleep or in the shower and look at his home screen to see whose picture it is (maybe even take a picture of his phone home screen with her own phone to show you).

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As someone who went a good loooooong time with a picture of Chris Evans as Captain America set as my phone's wallpaper, it is entirely possible that it is innocent. 

On the other hand, as someone who's first husband cheated  - blatantly - in the small amount of time that we were actually married, I would try to get to the bottom of it, one way or the other.

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1 minute ago, mathnerd said:

Maybe it was a celebrity woman who he is a fan of but embarrassed to admit (e.g. reality stars, porn stars etc) and hence he tried to hide it? She should secretly investigate what is going on. She should wait until he is asleep or in the shower and look at his home screen to see whose picture it is (maybe even take a picture of his phone home screen with her own phone to show you).

I'm thinking this is as likely as anything. But maybe that's just because I don't want to believe anybody could be dumb enough to use a pic of their adulterous lover on their lock screen.

IMO, she should try to get another look. If it's still there, there's got to be a pretty good chance it's nothing. 

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36 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I will say though....I see the cover photo on DH's phone almost daily.  Whether he's checking the time, or turning off his alarm or whatever, I see the face of his phone almost every time he checks it at home.  Has your friend really never seen the cover photo of her DH's phone before?

I also find it odd that she's never seen his phone screen before.  

I would have asked right away but I also see my dh's phone all the time.  He'll have me pick up if it rings while we're driving or to answer texts for him.

Unless she was already worried about him having an affair or lying about porn or something, I would just ask.    What would he do if she asked to see his phone?

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Who in their right mind would be attempting to carry on a secret affair by keeping their lover as a cover-photo on their phone? That really makes so little sense that I'd be surprised if it were true. Some people are that dumb... but not many.

To me, I'd ignore it -- unless I had other reasons to feel less than secure in my spouse's conduct.

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My guess is he's either really stupid or he wants to get caught or it's totally nothing but he got embarrassed. A light hearted joke might break the ice. Maybe put a hot shirtless actor on your phone screen and accidentally let him see it. That would open up the dialogue in a casual way. This could be serious or it could be nothing. Immediately accusing is probably not the way to go. 

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Could it me that he subscribed to something like Chive? DH was telling me a couple of months ago that he had to unsubscribe from something like that because although he found the content humorous, there were pictures included that he was just too embarrassed to have on his phone.

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A screen saver pix and background pix can be different. He may have one that you see if you pick up the phone. But another pix that you only see when you log in. That may be what she caught a glimpse of. 

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I would have asked right then because there’s just no way I could glimpse a woman on his screen and not say, “who is that?” Or “what is that?” 

There was a similar thing with my son’s homescreen, except it was a picture of himself with his shirt off. I glimpsed a male torso with skin and was like, “What is that?!” Turns out it was a picture of him with his shirt off but it was distorted with a funny filter so he looks like a cartoon/superhero body. So it was actually an innocent jokey thing. 

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My first thought was similar to those above who thought it might be a celebrity thing. And that would make sense to me that he might be embarrassed about it too, so that part doesn't make it extra incriminating either. Of course, he could be having an affair. Who knows. It's so little to go on.

She needs to just ask. Everything else is pure speculation.

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I think the moment to ask was immediately--"Hey, that pic looked weird. I'd like to see your phone please." I can totally see how she didn't react in the moment. She would be shocked.  Even if he thinks she didn't see, he likely realized she could and would change it (assuming it's something bad/always possible it's not). 

If she asks him directly now, people in affairs will almost always lie and then do a better job of covering tracks (ie 2nd phone kind of better). But he probably already suspects she saw and would change it anyway. The upside of asking is that maybe it was innocent and he can easily explain and show her. So I'd probably ask and see if he has a legitimate explanation.  I hope he does. 

As far as an affair,  unless he has a plausible explanation, I think she should do her covert watching--is there unaccounted for time in his schedule? Is he taking "work trips" or private calls more frequently? Is he grooming differently? Is he spending money and she doesn't know where it's going? If she doesn't have a handle on or access to their finances, It would be good to get up to speed quickly if she can do that in a way that won't make him suspicious.

I hope it's nothing. 

 

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I know everyone is saying it would be best to ask right then, but I don’t see this as an advantage to her. I’m inclined to think she’s better off acting clueless and going into full stealth info-gathering mode BEFORE he can get ahead of it and cover his tracks. 

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2 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I know everyone is saying it would be best to ask right then, but I don’t see this as an advantage to her. I’m inclined to think she’s better off acting clueless and going into full stealth info-gathering mode BEFORE he can get ahead of it and cover his tracks. 

Oh, I think that’s smart to do, I just think, if it were me, I would have asked immediately because I would simply blurt out the question before I pondered how to handle it. 

But there is also a phenomenon in which the person doesn’t confront because they already feel insecure or suspicious and they don’t really want to know. Or not yet. 

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Regarding contemplating divorce without being employed...

Been there, done that. No, it's not easy but it's also not the worst thing in the world. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I did it and survived. If divorce is a very real possibility for her, part of her exit plan will have to be thinking about how she is going to support herself and how the education of her children will need to change to fit the new situation. It's a hard situation to be in, in more ways than one, but not impossible.

ETA: Forgot you asked not to quote. Sorry about that.

Edited by sweet2ndchance
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Whatever else else happens, she needs to address (in the long term) the issue of feeling so awkward with her own husband that she doesn't feel comfortable just saying, hey, who's that? 

Likewise with the speculation of him being embarrassed about the photo for an innocent reason. Like hsl and her planners, I do have things I wouldn't show dh or others intentionally, but not to the extent that I'd be slamming my laptop closed or jerking away my phone. If she's too awkward to ask and he's too awkward to share, that's just . . . way too much awkward for people who are married with children. 

I would have addressed it right then (new girlfriend, honey?) so I'm not sure what I would do after the fact. I mean, I'd almost certainly look at his phone, lol, but beyond that? I think it matters whether she has other reasons to suspect anything. Did she feel terribly uncomfortable because that's her (which, yeah, needs to be addressed) or did she feel terribly uncomfortable bc she thought this photo might be proof of what she was already thinking? 

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I would have asked XH and he would have lied and I would know he was a liar and then we would have a fight because he would accuse me of being the most jealous and insecure person he has ever known.....eventually I got wise....stopped asking...gathered my own irrefutable evidence and filed for divorce.  

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I'm curious, does the husband normally hide his phone? I can't say how many times I've seen the cover photo on dh's phone. I hate the picture because it's of me and ds and I was heavier then, so I always notice it. I also see who is calling when he has it laying around. Some people are just stupid though, and don't cover their tracks when having an affair. I personally know someone who left their burner phone laying around, and it had the same code as their regular phone. The kids discovered the affair. 

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18 hours ago, bolt. said:

Who in their right mind would be attempting to carry on a secret affair by keeping their lover as a cover-photo on their phone? That really makes so little sense that I'd be surprised if it were true. Some people are that dumb... but not many.

To me, I'd ignore it -- unless I had other reasons to feel less than secure in my spouse's conduct.

 

You'd be surprised what some people think they can get away with, and often do. Especially when their spouses feel secure and wouldn't think to question them. 

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OP here. 

My friend is not very concerned about her husband having an affair since he always spends time with the kids and family and doesn't have unaccountable 'self' outing time per se. He used to get together with a college friend once or twice a year for dinner and always told her where they went. He and she generally spend time together with their mutual friends in Bible study and they host movies at their house once a month.  She says she doesn't have reason to suspect an affair, but will try to take a peek of his phone some time. 

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On 3/9/2020 at 11:22 AM, JadeOrchidSong said:

Divorcing a cheating husband when not having a job, that would be tough. 

 

It is extremely difficult and what I had to do. I was the stay at home/homeschooling mom for 18 years. It's been so hard!

To the mention that he couldn't find time to have an affair...my spouse had two jobs and was with the kids a lot. I thought the same thing. He ended up using PTO during his workday to meet his girlfriend at a motel. I had no idea since I assumed he was working.

My only clue was he started "forgetting" to bring home his check stubs so I couldnt see the time off.

 

Edited by mommybee
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On 3/9/2020 at 1:22 PM, JadeOrchidSong said:

Divorcing a cheating husband when not having a job, that would be tough. 

 

Been there done that. Definitely doable, and no one should put up with cheating, even if it’s difficult to leave (or have him leave).

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