Another Coronavirus Thread: Will you sacrifice your health for family/friends?

[pitterpatter]

The title should really read, "Will you sacrifice your health (and that of your immediate family's) for family/friends?

I feel as though I may end up between yet another rock and hard place soon. Every five days, I have to provide an essential health service for my mom. I am the only one who can/will do it in the entire family. And, my mom cannot do it for herself. She is in her sixties and has stage 4 cancer, among other health issues. Her male partner who lives with her is approaching eighty and has his own set of health issues. Thus, both my mom and her partner are high risk for CoVid-19.

My husband and I are in our early forties. We have one daughter who is twelve. She is homeschooled. My husband is immunosuppressed. He has cardiac sarcoidosis with both heart and lung damage.

I have no idea what I'm going to do when CoVid-19 comes knocking. I think DH will be a likely source for bringing it home due to his job, but I can see my mom's partner bringing it into her house as well. I think I will likely survive an infection (unless I have a major undiagnosed condition), but I feel like I may have to make an impossible decision soon.

Anyone else in a similar situation? What are you going to do?

Edited March 5, 2020 by pitterpatter

[Katy]

It's so individual I don't think there is a right answer for everyone.

[Scarlett]

I have elderly parents.....probably most of us here do.....but they are healthy.  I do have a friend who is only 47 and she is totally high risk for dying if she gets it.  She is the one who has psoriatic arthritis and another form of psoriasis. (just diagnosed).  So I do worry about her and how to be aware of what I am possibly picking up that I might take to her.  There are 7 of us who are rotating going to help her several times a week.....we are just very careful.

Overall, I think you just have to not make yourself crazy over it.  Do the best you can...wash your hands a lot.....and know you aren't capable of containing a worldwide virus.  

(((hugs)))

[Selkie]

I would sacrifice my health for my kids or dh, but not for anyone else.

My one surviving parent is currently down in Florida for the rest of the winter. He is 80, but pretty spry and healthy, and so is his girlfriend. I worry more about my FIL, who is 86 and has severe dementia, diabetes, and heart problems. Dh takes him to his twice-weekly appointments at a hospital, and I am worried about dh and/or his dad picking up the virus during one of those visits.🙁

[Pawz4me]

I don't like all these hypotheticals. I think they're getting way ahead of things, and perhaps needlessly.

But to play the game -- Yes, I probably would. I'd risk my health w/o a second thought for DH or the boys. I *think* I'd get pretty risky for MIL (the only other person who kinda sorta depends on me). She wouldn't want me to, but I'd probably want to. My decision would likely be very different if my boys were younger. They're both adults. And my decision is weighted heavily toward how I'd feel having to live with any guilt afterwards. FWIW--DH has stage IV cancer and I'm on an immuno-suppressant medication, so we're both supposedly higher risk. Doing my own calculation of our specific issues, however, I kind of doubt that we're at that much more risk than others our age. But those risk factors were taken into consideration before stating my belief of what I'd do.

[Spryte]

Hypotheticals are hard.  I think - yes, I would do what you’re saying you do for your mom. If I understand it correctly.

High risk household.  2 kids with asthma, one prone to pneumonia. DS and I are immune compromised. I have multiple health issues.  DH has a risk factor.  And we have an almost 80 yr old living with us while recovering from trauma and a shoulder replacement.

Kids are homeschooled, DH mostly works from home. We could feasibly hunker down, if we had no one else.

But - I am the only one caring for my mom (the one living with us), and she has multiple doc appts every week.  Not going is not an option.  She’s part of my family, and I’m not going to stop her care.

Ditto the in-laws.  Their needs are less, but we are the only ones available to care for them, when care above the facilities they are in is needed (doc appts, etc). We can’t just stop taking care of them.

I’ve done the preparations I can, and now we will just do our best.

 

Edited March 5, 2020 by Spryte

[Pen]

Could you start looking to set up a home health service to do the every 5 days thing for your mother?  So that you could be helpful as a daughter to her, but not add to your husband’s risks?

If your husband gets very sick you might not be able to help your mother anymore in any case. To me it seems like you need to prioritize high risk husband over high risk mother in this case.  But you might find that someone else can be paid to do the thing for your mother, so that all needs are met as well as possible for difficult circumstances.

[Spryte]

Pen has a good idea there.  I have hired an aide for my mom, who helps her bathe and hangs out twice a week.  She is willing to drive her as well.  Score!  Anyway, I wanted to say that it took some doing to find a good aide, and she’s our third try.  So if you can, start hunting for one now.

[pitterpatter]

She had home health for months after getting out of the hospital, but she is no longer eligible for the service. With Medicare, home health is there only when they can provide services that improve a patient's health to a point that he/she can be on his/her own again. They train the patient (or patient's family) to provide for his/her own health needs. If a patient doesn't make the required improvements in the allotted time, the patient is removed from home health. At that time, the patient must enter a long-term care facility or the family must commit to caring for all the patient's home health needs. In any event, our home health nurses didn't even know how to perform the service. And, since I was trained (if you want to call it that) by the hospital, wouldn't perform it. According to the government, there was already someone in place to provide the needed service. (It didn't matter to, well, anyone that I had no clue that I would be the sole person to be providing this service for the rest of my mom's life when I agreed to step in and "help for a while".)

24 minutes ago, Pen said:

Could you start looking to set up a home health service to do the every 5 days thing for your mother?  So that you could be helpful as a daughter to her, but not add to your husband’s risks?

If your husband gets very sick you might not be able to help your mother anymore in any case. To me it seems like you need to prioritize high risk husband over high risk mother in this case.  But you might find that someone else can be paid to do the thing for your mother, so that all needs are met as well as possible for difficult circumstances.

I completely agree with you. And, this is what I want to do. I desperately want to prioritize my husband (and daughter) over everyone/everything else, but it's like the world/fate won't let me. I don't know how to make it happen. I've tried. If we were wealthy, I'm sure I could make it happen. Sadly, we're not. I just feel stuck.

[Pen]

26 minutes ago, pitterpatter said:

She had home health for months after getting out of the hospital, but she is no longer eligible for the service. With Medicare, home health is there only when they can provide services that improve a patient's health to a point that he/she can be on his/her own again. They train the patient (or patient's family) to provide for his/her own health needs. If a patient doesn't make the required improvements in the allotted time, the patient is removed from home health. At that time, the patient must enter a long-term care facility or the family must commit to caring for all the patient's home health needs. In any event, our home health nurses didn't even know how to perform the service. And, since I was trained (if you want to call it that) by the hospital, wouldn't perform it. According to the government, there was already someone in place to provide the needed service. (It didn't matter to, well, anyone that I had no clue that I would be the sole person to be providing this service for the rest of my mom's life when I agreed to step in and "help for a while".)

I completely agree with you. And, this is what I want to do. I desperately want to prioritize my husband (and daughter) over everyone/everything else, but it's like the world/fate won't let me. I don't know how to make it happen. I've tried. If we were wealthy, I'm sure I could make it happen. Sadly, we're not. I just feel stuck.

 

Try social services, and related entities.

There has to be some way to make changes if something becomes too difficult to do.  What if you took sick or broke your arm and could not do it? What would be back up?

[Spryte]

Pitterpatter, I’m in exactly the same position.  Even without Covid-19, it’s overwhelming, and some days it takes my breath away to realize I have to do this forever.  My mom is being discharged from home health tomorrow.  I understand exactly what you are saying and going through.  It is so hard.  My mom was assaulted in her senior apartment in Oct, and of course I said she could stay with us till she found another apartment!  I didn’t ever think it would be forever, but the assault and subsequent fall/surgery make her living alone again unlikely. She suddenly has dementia symptoms, too.  This was not my life plan, and my house is not set up for this.  At all.  I could write volumes on this, and honestly could use a friend who is going through the same stuff to bounce stuff off of, if you want to connect about it, covid-19 notwithstanding.

 

[cjzimmer1]

It's really hard to answer hypothetically.  We recently had a family meeting (before coronavirus started) and discussed my parents end of life wishes.  My 2 siblings live much closer and neither have young children so they would naturally get called in for more day to day stuff.  The joke was that I would have to make at least weekly visits if something happened to my mom because I would be in charge of cooking for my dad (I'm the best cook of the bunch which everyone readily admits plus I'm used to bulk/freezer cooking).  In light of that, I'm sure I could drop off food/supplies but general care taking would be difficult.  I wouldn't want to take my kids there (my dad has little patience for noisy kids when he's well, I sure wouldn't even try when he was sick) but I couldn't leave the kids alone regularly either.

My MIL lives close by but I would not do caretaking for her.  The only time she contacts us is when she needs helps with something she can't do on her own.  So I would imagine she would have to be in pretty bad shape to contact us and then DH would be torn with guilt.  He has tried to maintain a relationship with her but it is very one sided. Personally I would say it's not worth the risk but it would have to be his call to make. 

I really can't think of any of my close friends who don't have family nearby to help so it's not likely I would get called up in those situations.

[SKL]

It is about the same as having the flu.  I would react the same.  Most likely I would continue doing what I normally do.

[TravelingChris]

I am the high risk patient, in my later 50's.  Neither dh nor I have any living parents.  I have one dd who is high risk too- in a way higher risk than me because her asthma is severe and her other autoimmune issues are not diagnosed or addressed right now but she is also only 23 so there is that.  However, she is the one who has been hospitalized for viral illness before and I have never needed that. Of course, my viral illnesses turn into bacterial almost always since I have Sjogren's and I have a very hard time coughing anything out or often blowing anything out too.  My secretions are so thick because my exocrine system is not working right and that means that my moisture producing body parts do not produce moisture.

I have sacrificed my health needs for my kids and husband at times.  

[ktgrok]

I would risk exposure to me, to take care of my parents or sister or whomever, absolutely. but..I don't think that is what you are asking. You are asking a more difficult question, if you should risk your DH's health, which is compromised, to take care of your parents, who are also compromised. 

That is a truly sticky widget. In that situation I would probably move in with my parents, knowing I'm a low risk of complications from the illness, and care for my mom (assuming she wasn't needing to be hospitilized) and stay there for a quarantine period afterward. Or send DH to stay somewhere else to keep him away from me. 

[May]

If our neighbors need something from us, we would be there.

[katilac]

I think SKL is right about it being much the same as the flu, which would also be a very bad thing for you and your family to be exposed to. In both illnesses, being exposed before you know your mom or her s/o has it is quite likely. The same goes for 'stomach flu.' So it's really a general scenario, not specific to covid-19. 

If it helps, I don't think it would be an ongoing problem. If someone of that age, with health issues, gets the flu or covid-19, they are likely going to the hospital.

Try to think of actions you can take. 

Put together an emergency kit for your car in case you show up and one of them is seriously ill, so you can do a certain amount of care until help arrives or you drive them to the hospital. Box of disposable gloves. Face mask. Cat litter to cover vomit with (will dry it for easier cleanup later). Hand sanitizer. 

Try to track down someone who can do the procedure, then start saving money, a bit at a time, to cover a few home visits if needed. That way, if you know one of them is sick before you show up, you can send the health worker instead. If no one does the procedure, offer to pay them for a visit where they learn. 

What would I do? Well, I would not have a problem trying to find someone else to do the actual care if possible, but I don't think I could go without seeing my mom if she were seriously ill. Of course, I also would not want to expose dh, so that might mean I would be gone from home for a few weeks unless there was a protocol doctors were satisfied with. 

 

[kbutton]

9 hours ago, pitterpatter said:

I think DH will be a likely source for bringing it home due to his job, but I can see my mom's partner bringing it into her house as well. I think I will likely survive an infection (unless I have a major undiagnosed condition), but I feel like I may have to make an impossible decision soon.

It sounds like your DH's job is going to be as big of a concern as helping your mom. If your DH was exposed, could he isolate in part of your home? Does he have someplace else to go?

It seems like both you and your mom are at risk from a spouse/partner, not the other way around.

I think having a backup plan for your mom in case YOU are quarantined with your DH is the most pressing issue. Then maybe trying to reduce your mom's exposure through her partner. Then reducing yours through your DH.

We could put a quarantined person in one bedroom with an attached bath and cover the cold air returns in that room. Could your mom do the same in her own home and limit exposure to her partner? 

[Carol in Cal.]

I don't think I would anticipate this decision or wait for this to become a crisis as much as I would try to prevent it.

Why does your mom's partner do things that could bring this home to her?  That's really not acceptable at this point in time, and that needs to be prevented.  Regarding your DH, is there a way he could work from home all or at least part of the time?  I'd attack this that way--what are the likely paths for the virus to get to the point of being potentially catestrophic, and what can be done to reduce the likelihood?

Edited March 6, 2020 by Carol in Cal.

[Storygirl]

I would help my family member and risk my own health. But I think the greater concern is for either your husband or your mother to get sick, and you could be the person who could carry it from one to the other. As is the case for the flu or any other illness, for that matter.

I think your mother needs a back up plan. I would contact home health agencies in her area and ask how she or you could use their services on a cash basis. The agencies will have a nurse on staff who supervises the aides, and it may be the nurse who would need to attend to your mom, which could come at a higher price. Perhaps you can find an agency that is willing to be the back up, by coming once to learn the procedure and meet your mom, and then be on an as-needed basis.

In addition to contacting the home health agencies, I think you and your mother should talk to her doctor about this issue, to see what suggestions the doctor might have for her.

Edited March 6, 2020 by Storygirl

[KungFuPanda]

I’m not sure what that hard choice would look like. It seems you’re equally likely to get it from one house or the other. It’s not like you can minimize anyone’s risk by avoiding either one.  Unless you’re going to move in with your mom from now until the epidemic plays out or you, your mom, and the kids avoid both men, I don’t see what you CAN do. You could be exposed today and not know it. 

[Murphy101]

I’d like to think I’d gladly give my life for another. 

So of course.

And given the number of people holding up our country by working their utility jobs or healthcare jobs or trucking groceries or whatever despite possible contagion - we all better dang well hope more people than not are willing to risk themselves for the needs of others. 

[Shoeless]

I'd risk my health for kiddo and DH.  I'm not sure how much risk I'd take on for the older generation.  

[Pen]

With stage 4 cancer, might your mother qualify for in home assistance via some hospice type program?

 

[Ausmumof3]

On 3/6/2020 at 1:00 AM, pitterpatter said:

The title should really read, "Will you sacrifice your health (and that of your immediate family's) for family/friends?

I feel as though I may end up between yet another rock and hard place soon. Every five days, I have to provide an essential health service for my mom. I am the only one who can/will do it in the entire family. And, my mom cannot do it for herself. She is in her sixties and has stage 4 cancer, among other health issues. Her male partner who lives with her is approaching eighty and has his own set of health issues. Thus, both my mom and her partner are high risk for CoVid-19.

My husband and I are in our early forties. We have one daughter who is twelve. She is homeschooled. My husband is immunosuppressed. He has cardiac sarcoidosis with both heart and lung damage.

I have no idea what I'm going to do when CoVid-19 comes knocking. I think DH will be a likely source for bringing it home due to his job, but I can see my mom's partner bringing it into her house as well. I think I will likely survive an infection (unless I have a major undiagnosed condition), but I feel like I may have to make an impossible decision soon.

Anyone else in a similar situation? What are you going to do?

I think if necessary I might consider actually helping but not coming home afterward.  But it depends on so many individual factors.  You might be able to get someone else to help her but that depends if medical system is holding up.

[Ausmumof3]

Alternatively you could consider having your dh move out temporarily as awful as that sounds or you and your daughter could move in with your parents if needed.