Racists relatives

[Scarlett]

Do any of you with parents in their 70s find they are still racists? My sister was telling me that her mom is very upset that my sister’s kids are dating or friends with black kids.  My sister has been so upset by it....especially since she is not that thrilled with one dds boyfriend but it hasn’t nothing to do with race or color.....

[Ottakee]

My father was very racist.  Sad to say, a KKK badge was found in his belongings.  The thing is, he was NOT white.  He was Native American.

My inlaws were pretty racist too.......again, MIL was Native, not white.

All are deceased though now so that is not an issue.  My kids have friends of many different races/biracial/adopted, etc. 

I will say that for senior prom my friend's son took my special needs daughter to her prom.  She was THRILLED as he was going to go play big 10 football and was a great dancer.  When the prom pictures came back my mother in law asked me, "Is he BLACK?"......yep, he is very dark black, no question about it.  She at least, didn't say anything negative to me or my daughter about it.

It is hard to navigate and if they are around these people, someone needs to stand up and say this is not right, we will not tolerate it.  If you can't treat them nicely, then we will not be doing thing with you, etc.

[Scarlett]

My sister was gobsmacked that her mom commented on how black the kids friends are.  I, I just can’t even relate. Lighter skinned black would be acceptable?  My sister was married to a hispanic man and they had two children together....and these two kids are dating black boys....I honestly can’t comprehend  the racism and the disconnect....

Reminds  me of the time this woman was dating our friend who is full blood NA.  And she went on and on about not ‘mixing’ the races....I literally asked her, ‘what races are you concerned about mixing exactly?  

Edited March 4, 2020 by Scarlett

[Harriet Vane]

We chose to live in a predominantly African-American neighborhood (we are white), and dh's entire fleet of extended relatives chose to cut off our branch of the family because of it. His parents and his sister's family stood with us--they are not racist at all. The relatives had tolerated our choice quietly our first two years there when we rented a flat. When we bought a house there and invited everyone over, ugly things were said and everyone refused to come (except dh's lovely parents and sister's family). It was terribly saddening to watch these lifelong relationships end. We lived there fourteen years and we have no regrets about our choice.

[beaners]

38 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

We chose to live in a predominantly African-American neighborhood (we are white), and dh's entire fleet of extended relatives chose to cut off our branch of the family because of it. His parents and his sister's family stood with us--they are not racist at all. The relatives had tolerated our choice quietly our first two years there when we rented a flat. When we bought a house there and invited everyone over, ugly things were said and everyone refused to come (except dh's lovely parents and sister's family). It was terribly saddening to watch these lifelong relationships end. We lived there fourteen years and we have no regrets about our choice.

 

Yeah, I have also been shocked by the response we have gotten for living in a black neighborhood. My mother's current husband is obviously off the deep end. He started making comments that were "jokes" when we called him out, but then moved on to blatantly packing his gun on the few occasions he came here. We don't invite him here anymore.

He is either rubbing off on my mom, or she is more comfortable expressing nastiness she used to keep to herself? She started making comments also when she visited but stopped when I called her out. She never commented on race in my boyfriends, but had plenty to say about my niece's father who is Hispanic. I didn't care about that, just that the guy treated my sister like crap before he ran off.

I don't know if it is age. They are more racist than my grandparents ever were. I'm not sure how that happens. 

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Ottakee said:

My father was very racist.  Sad to say, a KKK badge was found in his belongings.  The thing is, he was NOT white.  He was Native American.

My inlaws were pretty racist too.......again, MIL was Native, not white.

All are deceased though now so that is not an issue.  My kids have friends of many different races/biracial/adopted, etc. 

I will say that for senior prom my friend's son took my special needs daughter to her prom.  She was THRILLED as he was going to go play big 10 football and was a great dancer.  When the prom pictures came back my mother in law asked me, "Is he BLACK?"......yep, he is very dark black, no question about it.  She at least, didn't say anything negative to me or my daughter about it.

It is hard to navigate and if they are around these people, someone needs to stand up and say this is not right, we will not tolerate it.  If you can't treat them nicely, then we will not be doing thing with you, etc.

my dh's grandfather was very racist.  he was Armenian.  born in Syria.

[Tap]

Yep, My dad was racist, but only against Japanese. LOL His 2 brothers fought in WW2 and he wasn't allowed to go, because he was the youngest son on a dairy farm. He didn't mind other people who  were Asian or looked Asian, nor did he mind a Japanese person until he found out they were Japanese. But once he did....Oy! 

My grandmother was what I would call and accepting racist. LOL She held many stereotypical thoughts about people, and honestly believed them good and bad. But anyone was welcome in her home as long as they were fairly clean, non-offensive and  kind. You would just have a hard time convincing her that all the stereotypes weren't true. She was raised and lived very, very poor in Oklahoma. I think she saw the worst of the worst...and the best of the best, in everyday people (and her own family). 

[MercyA]

Not my parents, thank God, but elderly people at my former church. Talking about Obama taking a vacation: "Just like a n-----!" Talking about protestors of racial injustice: "Those people only get off their butts to protest." Made comments about buying watermelon for black guests at the church. Made comments against interracial marriage. And the strangest thing is that they seemed to expect everyone would agree with them. I never, never would have guessed that blatant racism was still so prevalent in my Indiana community. 😞 And some of comments were made by people who seemed to be the kindest and otherwise wisest. I don't get it.

My mom said that she never heard her parents say anything racist--except against Jewish people who didn't pay their black maids enough. But they also had a ton of Jewish friends. People are weird. I don't think they had any problem with my mom going to a prom with a black friend from church in the 1960's. She was the only white girl there, I think!

[TravelingChris]

My dd1 is married and her husbamd's extended family has racists in it.  She and her husband walked out of a family gathering last year because one of her mil\s brothers said an extremely offensive racist joke---Did she know why he only has black cows?  Because he can still sell them.  She was so shocked and incensed by this that she was texting wildly and telling us how she can't have children because she doesn't want them around all these racists.  In the mix of her in law relatives is a full out Commiie, a grandmother in law  (deceased now) who was so secretive about her medical issues which were genetic that one of her daughters ended up needing a liver transplant, and a still living grandfather in law who says mean and disparaging remarks about all sorts of people unlike him.  Her other side of the family (fil) mostly keep any racist views to themselves.

My other daughter isn't married but has been really surprised By how many nice people she has met that say things about 'those people" with regards to neighborhoods, etc.  Now there certainly were very unsafe neighborhoods in Memphis.  But dd2 wasn't wandering around those places but going to schools to work with low income kids to teach them coding.  

 

[MEmama]

Yeah, both my parents (80s) and my in-laws (70s) are. It’s shocking what comes out of their mouths, honestly. And they would all deny it if confronted.

My dad grew up in the segregated deep south, and even though he escaped (his word) after university, there are influences that are pervasive. My mom grew up in Germany during the war and should “know better“, but she harbors racist traits as well although she would deny it to the end. My in-laws are very much old school southern, content in their bubble of Fox and church. The things he is willing to parrot are deeply disturbing.

[Guest]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Do any of you with parents in their 70s find they are still racists? My sister was telling me that her mom is very upset that my sister’s kids are dating or friends with black kids.  My sister has been so upset by it....especially since she is not that thrilled with one dds boyfriend but it hasn’t nothing to do with race or color.....

Yes. I remember being shocked to realize my parents were racist (in the old-school, not-that-I’m-racist-but... manner) when an interracial marriage happened in our family. I had grown up with the lip-service message that we are all God’s children but then I saw there was some real mistrust of anyone “different.” 

[Guest]

I also want to add, it’s not just the over-70 crowd where racism crops up around me. I’ve heard plenty of racist remarks from the 40-50-something crowd, too. When my daughter went to a private school with a high diversity profile, someone told me they wouldn’t choose that school for their own (white) daughter because, “She might come home with Tyrone.” Another person said something similar about a college we looked at: “It’s a nice college, but, not that I’m racist but, did you notce how many black people go there?” It’s quite a mic-drop moment. I don’t do well with quick thinking in such a context. 

[RootAnn]

Yes. Over 80. Some are/were loud about it & others quietly (wouldn't have known it about my dad had I not heard it from his own mouth).

I remember my mom loudly complaining about how the Catholic schools were turning my cousins against my aunts/uncles by teaching them that their parents were racists. My reply that my uncles are racist was not appreciated. I pointed out several examples of racist remarks my mother made on a regular basis. (She would have poured Dawn in my mouth at that point if she could have but I was bigger than she was.) She was very upset with my 'sass.'

My mom threw a fit when she found out I'd shown my best friend's boyfriend around at a football game because said best friend was in the band & couldn't hang out with him then. "My daughter seen with a black boy!?!" She would have really tripped if she'd known that his hot cousin asked me out. ;) 

... and I agree with @Quill. I was really shocked when a progressive couple in their early 40s expressed racist comments recently. I wouldn't have been surprised by the comments from others but not from these people.

[Scarlett]

Well it is pretty upsetting. My poor sister.  We have a cousin on our dads side who has two half black grandchikdren that he and his wife have raised.  My sister asked her mom what she thought this cousin and wife would think about this conversation. 
 

smh

[RootAnn]

Yeah, no surprise coming from my mom. She still thinks left-handed people are from the devil, so her wrong-headedness doesn't start or end with racism.

I'd try to encourage your sister to tune out her mom on this topic (avoiding mentioning anything about it) & focus on whatever positives she can in their relationship.

[DawnM]

19 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

Yeah, no surprise coming from my mom. She still thinks left-handed people are from the devil, so her wrong-headedness doesn't start or end with racism.

I'd try to encourage your sister to tune out her mom on this topic (avoiding mentioning anything about it) & focus on whatever positives she can in their relationship.

 

My son is left handed because he has a right hand deformity that prevents him from fully utilizing that hand.  

Wow.

[TravelingChris]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

I also want to add, it’s not just the over-70 crowd where racism crops up around me. I’ve heard plenty of racist remarks from the 40-50-something crowd, too. When my daughter went to a private school with a high diversity profile, someone told me they wouldn’t choose that school for their own (white) daughter because, “She might come home with Tyrone.” Another person said something similar about a college we looked at: “It’s a nice college, but, not that I’m racist but, did you notce how many black people go there?” It’s quite a mic-drop moment. I don’t do well with quick thinking in such a context. 

My kids (in their 20's and oldest is 30) have encountered racism in people their ages too.  

[TravelingChris]

1 hour ago, OKBud said:

Oh yeah. BIG TIME. [not all my relatives]. And they're not that old lol/sob.

It was part of the air though. No one would be surprised by it. Unless they were born deaf and suddenly received the gift of hearing LOL.

My racists will come right out and be like "Chinese are X. Blacks are Y. Hispanics are L." I have a friend whose mother one day wondered aloud how a particular race got so good at pretending to have emotions like regular people. ::record scratch:: WHAAT 

Racism (and antisemitism as well as Islamaphobia to a certain extent) remains a huge deal. 

I will say that I get really really really tired of hearing people talk about the southern US as if they have all the racists. They super, duper, hella do not.

When I was at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center doing the course for Immigration Officers, we had officers from all over the country attending.  I was there from Los Angeles.  I was shocked to hear the racist comments being made by two officers who were from Detroit.   No one else from any of the other sectors which included a number of officers from southern US acted  or talked this way. 

And the one type of racism that is still done on tv and politics is making fun of Asians by pulling at eyes (saw this on a tv talk news show and I was shocked), bad imitations of supposed speaking patterns (and not in a comedy show), making fun of their names, etc.  Some politician in Michigan won against some Asian women and she had blatenly racist ads.  

Edited March 4, 2020 by TravelingChris

[wintermom]

I remember as a kid hearing my grandfather (born in Poland/Ukraine in the 1890s) saying, "I don't eat ch***man food (aka rice)."   I thought, "Aren't cabbage rolls he's eating now actually stuffed with rice? I don't believe he's actually thought this through." 🤣

Edited March 4, 2020 by wintermom

[SKL]

As I explain to my kids, older people sometimes say things they used to hear and say when they were young, even though they learned better during their adult years as the world changed.  It's usually more about (a) getting old and (b) having spent one's childhood in a much more racist world.  They don't call it "second childhood" for nothing.

I recall my grandma saying things about [other demographic] people even though she had [other demographic] friends.  I would point that out, and you could tell she wasn't quite sure where the racist thing came from.

If the parents are actually still of sound mind, someone really should talk to them about what they are saying.  If they are losing it, I'd give them grace and explain it to any people who may be hurt by it.

[Lady Florida.]

FIL was racist while insisting he wasn't. He died a few years ago at the age of 92 and I think he really believed he wasn't racist. In a younger person I would have called it out but at his age he wasn't going to listen. His own kids couldn't get him to see so I certainly wasn't going to try. 

13 hours ago, Tap said:

Yep, My dad was racist, but only against Japanese. LOL His 2 brothers fought in WW2 and he wasn't allowed to go, because he was the youngest son on a dairy farm. He didn't mind other people who  were Asian or looked Asian, nor did he mind a Japanese person until he found out they were Japanese. But once he did....Oy! 

My grandmother was what I would call and accepting racist. LOL She held many stereotypical thoughts about people, and honestly believed them good and bad. But anyone was welcome in her home as long as they were fairly clean, non-offensive and  kind. You would just have a hard time convincing her that all the stereotypes weren't true. She was raised and lived very, very poor in Oklahoma. I think she saw the worst of the worst...and the best of the best, in everyday people (and her own family). 

We have a nephew married to a woman from Japan and her uncle was very upset that she married an American - not a white person, but an American. I don't think his color would have mattered. Fortunately he's the only one in her family who feels that way, and her mom (uncle's sister) doesn't have much to do with him anyway. 

I think FIL was a bit like your grandmother. 

Edited March 4, 2020 by Lady Florida.

[SKL]

Just remembered ... a friend who is a "person of color" went off on my kid for having a possible AA crush.  She wasn't even subtle about it.  I was shocked.  More recently she had a lot to say about another 13yo friend's choice of bathing suit - what most of us would call "slut shaming."  And another friend who would normally pass as "socially liberal" agreed with her on both.  I had separate conversations with my kids and my friends on both topics.  Kids agree that the comments were wrong.  Friends still think they had good reasons behind their comments, but I think they will be more careful with their future words around my kids.

I have had good friends of color since I was a young kid, so I am familiar with how they raise their kids etc.  Unfortunately, people who haven't seen much up-close will make assumptions based on what they do see - the sensational cases seen on TV etc.  Yes there are pockets of irresponsibility in all colors, and those are what gets on the news.

And I've also been on the other side, where the person I was dating/hanging with had family who considered Americans (of any color) an absolute no.

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, SKL said:

Just remembered ... a friend who is a "person of color" went off on my kid for having a possible AA crush.  She wasn't even subtle about it.  I was shocked.  More recently she had a lot to say about another 13yo friend's choice of bathing suit - what most of us would call "slut shaming."  And another friend who would normally pass as "socially liberal" agreed with her on both.  I had separate conversations with my kids and my friends on both topics.  Kids agree that the comments were wrong.  Friends still think they had good reasons behind their comments, but I think they will be more careful with their future words around my kids.

I have had good friends of color since I was a young kid, so I am familiar with how they raise their kids etc.  Unfortunately, people who haven't seen much up-close will make assumptions based on what they do see - the sensational cases seen on TV etc.  Yes there are pockets of irresponsibility in all colors, and those are what gets on the news.

And I've also been on the other side, where the person I was dating/hanging with had family who considered Americans (of any color) an absolute no.

This is the point that seems to escape so many racists.  My sister has  had quite a bit of trouble with her kids.....and she has some real concerns about the boyfriend of one.....he doesn’t seem to have a job or a car at age 20.  And the dd and him fight constantly.  But none of that is caused by the color of his skin.  

[Shoeless]

I have an uncle who is a mouthy racist. I've put a lot of distance between him and I. My other uncle sometimes mimics what his brother says, but Uncle #2 had a traumatic brain injury years ago and has never been 100%. So I shush and redirect Uncle #2 if he says anything weird and avoid Uncle #1 like the plague. 

My stepfather is a racist, sexist, and a homophobe, but doesn't think he is one. He still tells the sort of off-color jokes you'd hear in the 70's and thinks it's hilarious when people are uncomfortable about it.  It got him fired from more than one job because he would say all kinds of not-ok things at work.  Ugh. He makes my skin crawl. 

[Shoeless]

13 hours ago, Quill said:

I also want to add, it’s not just the over-70 crowd where racism crops up around me. I’ve heard plenty of racist remarks from the 40-50-something crowd, too. 

 

There is a local church that wanted to do some favors for our homeschool group. I went by there a few times and chatted with the pastor's wife. She kept finding weird ways to bring up race issues, in a "Not that I'm racist...but you know how XYZ people are..." kind of way.   It felt like she was testing me, to see what she could get away with.  She couldn't have been more than 55-ish.  I was so shocked. I kind of thought maybe this sort of talk and thinking was dying out, but I guess not. 😕 

[katilac]

On 3/3/2020 at 7:54 PM, Scarlett said:

Lighter skinned black would be acceptable?   

Probably so, that's been a very common attitude for many years. 

"Light skinned" even remains a common compliment among young people of color in my area. 

[Condessa]

I remember my mom prepping me as a kid before we went to visit my great-grandmother, talking about how she had some wrong ideas about people who were different, and to come talk to her about it if grandma said anything.  She never did, though.

Actually, the only racist comments I've ever heard from members of my family are from my Japanese aunt and cousins.  They are quite vocal that Japanese people are better in every way, but it's okay, they know you can't help it and they still like you.  Anything that my half-Japanese cousins did wrong was met with, "It's the [American father's last name] in them.  Japanese kids would never do that" by their mother, but taken with the attitude of, well, what can you expect, they can't help it.  Meanwhile the non-Japanese cousins listening to this conversation would never dream of getting up to the trouble our cousins engaged in.  The quickest way to make any of my cousins mad as kids was to say that they were American, too, which they would vehemently deny, and go into a long tirade about how superior their race was and how everything good in this world was invented by a Japanese person.  Seriously, my twelve-year-old cousin was ready to fight us for laughing at him when he insisted that J.K. Rowling obviously stole Harry Potter from a Japanese person.

[Farrar]

Not just the older people 70 and up... I have heard a lot of racist things from relatives around my age over the years. I mean, I think it's a given that my grandmother, who passed away a couple of years ago now, was going to say wildly racist stuff. She grew up in the Depression, poor, in the south. She absolutely said stuff about the mixing of the races and used the N word and called being greedy being "Jew-y." Like, dang.

But my father who would have been in his early 70's at this point, but who passed away a few years ago, also got more overtly racist as he aged. He mocked Black names and hairstyles a lot. He also used the N word to refer to Obama to my mother. They were divorced and had been for many years. It was in a conversation about some stuff around my brother's wedding ages ago and afterwards they were sort of mildly ribbing each other about differing political views and then that popped out. My mom was so shocked she hung up on him. Fun times at the wedding. Sigh.

But some things I've heard from extended family under age 50 over the years...

"He can't have killed that man because white people don't kill black people. Black people are the ones who kill white people."

"If you have too many black children in a class, studies show they bring the white level down to the black level, so it's important not to have too many black children in one class with whites."

"Those people can't help but be violent. It's in their nature."