Would your family be unhappy with this plan??

[HSmomof2]

My good friend would like to take a ‘girls trip’ next year. I originally thought she was talking about a weekend trip somewhere fairly local. However, now she’s talking about a week long trip somewhere like Hawaii. She’s single and has no children. The cost of the trip would be split. 

Our family doesn’t have money to take this type of vacation and never have as a family.....we’ve only taken vacations to places we can drive to and stayed only for a few days. Both dh and I work and have limited vacation time available (I only get 5 days/year). Ds is also doing dual enrollment and dd is homeschooling high school and involved in a lot of activities, so we plan around school schedules as well. I haven’t mentioned this to dh yet, but I don’t think he’ll think this is a great plan—for me to use my vacation time and the entire family’s vacation money to go on this trip myself. My kids would be unhappy as well, as they’d love to take a “real” vacation sometime. To me, I feel it would be selfish, and I don’t really want to travel somewhere like Hawaii without my family. My friend, however, thinks I’m being ridiculous and my family shouldn’t think twice about it and stop being ‘jealous’ of me going. 
I’m going to tell my friend no on this plan, and if she wants to do a local weekend trip, I could do that.....but am I being unreasonable for not wanting to do the big trip and putting my family’s feelings first? She often ‘chastises’ me for putting them first, but I think she just doesn’t understand because her life is so different. 

[Shoeless]

No, you are not being unreasonable. I would not want to take a trip like that, and if my husband said "I'm going to take a 'boys trip' to the Bahamas for a week, spend all our vacation money, and no you can't come", I'd be really hurt and angry. 

I'd also raise an eyebrow over a "friend" saying my family was being jealous. Not cool. 

 

[HSmomof2]

1 minute ago, MissLemon said:

No, you are not being unreasonable. I would not want to take a trip like that, and if my husband said "I'm going to take a 'boys trip' to the Bahamas for a week, spend all our vacation money, and no you can't come", I'd be really hurt and angry. 

I'd also raise an eyebrow over a "friend" saying my family was being jealous. Not cool. 

 

That’s how I’m seeing it, too. I’d be mad if dh were planning something like that, when we never get to do things like that as a family. And I know he would never even consider doing something like that. 
I’ve known this friend since we were teens, but the difference in our lifestyles is becoming more and more apparent. It was easier when she lived across the country from me, and our friendship was long distance and phone calls/emails. Now she lives a lot closer. 

[Tiberia]

My family would not be happy with this plan. I would not be happy with this plan.

Your friend is out of line when she says you're being ridiculous. I would just tell her no and not argue or explain much. Let her know what you can do, and leave it at that. She truly may not understand why you can't get away with her, but she shouldn't chastise you for putting your family over her.

 

[Tanaqui]

I don't think this sort of thing is NEVER okay, but if you don't feel okay with it then that's valid, and your friend is out of line for saying you shouldn't feel what you feel. You are worried about the effect this decision would have on your family. That's perfectly reasonable (especially in this particular case where you'd be spending up their vacation money as well as your own.)

[HSmomof2]

1 minute ago, Tanaqui said:

I don't think this sort of thing is NEVER okay, but if you don't feel okay with it then that's valid, and your friend is out of line for saying you shouldn't feel what you feel. You are worried about the effect this decision would have on your family. That's perfectly reasonable (especially in this particular case where you'd be spending up their vacation money as well as your own.)

I agree......in different circumstances, it may be fine. But I don’t think for my family’s circumstances, in this season of my life, that it’s a good idea. Taking a little weekend trip is completely doable and would be fun. I’ll see her in a couple weeks for lunch and am going to say no to doing a big trip. She won’t understand and probably won’t agree, but I think she’ll drop it. She has other friends and a sister that she travels with all the time.....she can easily do a trip with them anytime.

[J-rap]

My family would be unhappy about that plan, but I'd be more unhappy than anyone.  And, I think it's selfish of your friend to think you shouldn't think of your family first.  Of COURSE you should think of your family first.  She's way off base.  In fact, I think it's ridiculous.

 

[Carol in Cal.]

This is why it is hard to have friendships between single folks and married with children folks.  The people are the same but the circumstances are so different they make it almost impossible to bridge the two.  

Your friend is clueless and you are not wrong.

[J-rap]

9 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

This is why it is hard to have friendships between single folks and married with children folks.  The people are the same but the circumstances are so different they make it almost impossible to bridge the two.  

Your friend is clueless and you are not wrong.

But I have several single close friends who do understand that family should come first.  I think anyone -- even single -- who is a thoughtful person would realize that.

[SKL]

I see both sides actually.

I would probably say no to a week-long trip to Hawaii under the circumstances you describe.  However, a shorter (long weekend) and cheaper trip would probably be fine in your case (since you have a spouse to be with the kids while you're gone).

When I was a kid, my mom went to Vegas with her best friend.  Both moms had several kids and could never afford to take the whole family on a plane trip.  But they also both sacrificed every minute doing what the husband and kids wanted/needed, so one quick fun getaway was more than reasonable.  The rest of our family was happy for her.  (Vegas was a relatively cheap vacation in those days.)  (Also, my dad had his little getaways - hunting trips with friends - so it was high time she had one.)

I think that when the family budget doesn't allow for everyone to travel, it is OK to take turns.  Maybe one trip every x years taken by mom or dad.  I see nothing selfish about it, as long as everyone's needs are met.  The kids can look forward to travel trips when they earn their own money.

I don't blame your friend for having different ideas.  I had all kinds of different ideas when I was childless.  People without kids can't understand how family affects our decision making.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I would never consider it.  

- It's not int he money budget

- it's not in the time budget

There is no question about jealousy or "me time" or anything else.  The trip is not practical, period.  

[klmama]

You only get five days of vacation a year, and you don't want to spend them feeling guilty.  Tell your friend you can do a closer long weekend that only chews up one of your vacation days and only a small part of the family vacation budget, and save the rest to do something with your family.  Maybe at some point in the future it will work for the two of you to go to Hawaii, but it doesn't right now.  End of conversation.  And NO, you aren't being unreasonable.  You are being a responsible parent and spouse, and she just doesn't understand.  

[El...]

I don't like it when friends push me. It sounds like she's putting pressure on you. 

I went on a weekend trip with friends last fall for the first time.  It was wonderful.  It was not better than a family vacation,  though,  and if I'd had to choose,  for time or money, I'd want to share my trip with my family.  

[gardenmom5]

your friend is being ridiculous.  she's one person  and her income only goes towards herself - you have multiple people in your household and your income has to be divided multiple ways.

she's probably really clueless about how much things cost - when multiplied by ___  

[Arctic Bunny]

I have some family and friends who seem to always be posting about their girls-only trips away. Those trips cost more than our family’s travel budget for sure! I also know that their household income is waaaay more than ours, their and their spouses’ work schedules are waaaay more flexible than ours, and they also go on waaaaay bigger family trips than us. 

I’d love for our time and money budgets to be waaaaay bigger!!! Some understand, some don’t. I like to think that some are secretly jealous of our more interesting and creative trips!

[Terabith]

No!  That’s insane that she would ask you to consider it!

[catz]

This seems like a no brainer to me.  I personally would not be comfortable taking a huge trip like this if that wasn’t something I could ever do with my own family.  Your friend is being ridiculous, selfish and has tunnel vision.  

[Chris in VA]

🙄

[Soror]

I think she is the selfish or oblivious one. It would be fine if you had plenty of time  and money for a family trip but to use the entire budget for one person in the family, no. Maybe in certain circumstances like a once in a lifetime thing but not some random trip. Honestly, I'd not to spend all my limited Vaca time with friend either 

[RootAnn]

1 hour ago, Arctic Mama said:

There is nothing inherently wrong with her plan, it’s just not a good fit for your budget and current life. I wouldn’t feel guilt taking the trip, myself, if we could swing it.  But it’s also fine to push back and say “too expensive and too long for us to be able to manage, sorry”.

I'm in this boat. My DH would encourage me to take time for myself if I wanted to go, but my circumstances are much different than yours. My kids would be jealous, miss me, or happy for me (depending on the kid), but they wouldn't be super upset. Our "vacations" as a family are usually either driving trips to see DH's family (stressful & unpleasant for most of us) or "staycations" in a big city an hour & a half away. But I don't have an outside-the-house paid job to dictate my days off--only homeschooling & working around DH's schedule.

In your case, I'd just let my friend know I can't spend 100% of my job vacation and 125% of my family's vacation money on a weeklong trip to Hawaii with her. Maybe she doesn't realize what her plans mean in your life's constraint. Spell it out & if she's a real friend, she'll be understanding.

[maize]

You don't want to do it, the plan doesn't match your personal priorities.

Your friend should not be pressuring you to plan your life around her priorities.

[Farrar]

I'm with others that if you could financially swing it and enjoy it, it could be fine. I've never done anything that extravagant, but if we had just a little more more money I might. And dh and my kids would be okay with it, honestly. We take some separate trips and have some separate experiences as a family and that's fine for us - they also don't have to be "equal." I figure life is long and at some point it evens out mostly. But if you're uncomfortable with it or can't swing it, then you can't. And it's unkind if your friend can't get that.

To head her off a little, I'd offer a really cool long weekend somewhere domestic that isn't as far as Hawaii. And I'd have ideas in mind. Like, maybe there's a resort in Florida or a really cool mountain spa retreat or something. I'd have a few specific proposals in mind to try and circumvent her disappointment a little.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Farrar

[PeterPan]

8 hours ago, HSmomof2 said:

My friend, however, thinks I’m being ridiculous and my family shouldn’t think twice about it and stop being ‘jealous’ of me going. 

Hopefully you already sorted this out, but I'll just say it sounds like your friend doesn't have money for the trip herself and is looking for someone to split the bill. I go on trips with my single friends, and *I* pay the bulk, the amount I would have paid anyway to go, and they only pay the add-on. So my friend got to cruise with me for a week in a balcony cabin for $300. Not splitting. And we've done other major trips (Disney with condos and car rental, etc.), same gig. I'm the one who wanted to go and it's my trip, so I pay my bill and just ask them to pay what it costs if they happen to want to go along.

So see if she goes anyway, but it doesn't sound like she will. That's why she's pressuring you. And it sucks not to have money for something you want. I suggest you research and see if there's something you *could* do affordably together. If you take an inside cabin and drive to the cruise port, cruising doesn't have to be so expensive. I don't drink or party, but I have a great time on Carnival. Some girlfriend time would be nice, but it needs to fit both budgets. Decide your budget and make it fit.

And is this really the person you want to hang with anyway? That's the other thing to stop and think about. If she's pressuring you, maybe she's not the person you want to be with for a week. Maybe stop and be honest about who you'd really want to take a trip with and do it that way, now that you're inspired. 

Edited March 1, 2020 by PeterPan

[J-rap]

6 hours ago, SKL said:

I see both sides actually.

I would probably say no to a week-long trip to Hawaii under the circumstances you describe.  However, a shorter (long weekend) and cheaper trip would probably be fine in your case (since you have a spouse to be with the kids while you're gone).

When I was a kid, my mom went to Vegas with her best friend.  Both moms had several kids and could never afford to take the whole family on a plane trip.  But they also both sacrificed every minute doing what the husband and kids wanted/needed, so one quick fun getaway was more than reasonable.  The rest of our family was happy for her.  (Vegas was a relatively cheap vacation in those days.)  (Also, my dad had his little getaways - hunting trips with friends - so it was high time she had one.)

I think that when the family budget doesn't allow for everyone to travel, it is OK to take turns.  Maybe one trip every x years taken by mom or dad.  I see nothing selfish about it, as long as everyone's needs are met.  The kids can look forward to travel trips when they earn their own money.

I don't blame your friend for having different ideas.  I had all kinds of different ideas when I was childless.  People without kids can't understand how family affects our decision making.

I've never run into this with my single friends.   I think it's a little odd that some people assume that single people would never understand!

[Ottakee]

This makes me thankful for my friends.  I have friends with less and friends with a LOT more.  We all though tend to focus on doing things that are free or super low cost.....like walking, free concerts, a hike, etc.  We rarely spend money together but when we do it is for a more memorable thing.

If you really do want to spend time with her, tell her, "I would love to spend time with you but that trip doesn't fit our family budget or vacation time.  Would you be interested in ................(more local, cheaper, weekend option)?" .
 

[marbel]

6 hours ago, Monica_in_Switzerland said:

I would never consider it.  

- It's not int he money budget

- it's not in the time budget

There is no question about jealousy or "me time" or anything else.  The trip is not practical, period.  

This. Your reasons for not taking the trip really have little to do with family jealousy. I am not even sure why family jealousy came into the conversation, because it really doesn't belong there.

And I agree with others who say the friend is out of line with her comments about the family.  In my experience, people who say stuff like that would be the first ones who'd be upset if their own spouse/partner took a similar trip without them.  

[madteaparty]

I take girls’ trips but the best vacations are with my family. That trip would be a hard no for me. Like I wouldn’t entertain it. And I’m a fairly selfish person.  

[Annie G]

A weekend getaway with my sisters is fine (never did that with a girlfriend), but I wouldn’t feel right about experiencing some place like Hawaii without my husband.  Has nothing to do with my family feeling jealous, it’s just I’m not about to spend my limited vacation time and vacation budget with a friend.  Now, if the op’s dh doesn’t like to travel or vacation, things might be different. I know several friends who travel together because their dh’s don’t enjoy it. 
‘Hope you can work it out and maybe take a three day excursion somewhere less expensive. 

[BusyMom5]

Your friend is SINGLE  and CHILDLESS- she has no idea how these decisions are made in a family.  I wouldn't go and it sounds extremely selfish to even ask.  If you do spend the money, it should be on a family trip with those high schoolers before they move out!!! 

 

Sounds like there may be a reason shes single.  People in relationships dont dictate to the spouse how they are going to spend all the vacation money on themself!

[DawnM]

My family wouldn't mind if I did this, and I have done something similar, BUT, I wouldn't do it if I didn't have the resources readily available and saved up.  

Your friend's comments are out of line.  .  It shows a lack of judgement and maturity to do so.

Edited March 1, 2020 by DawnM

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

I don't think your friend is being ridiculous, but I don't think you are crazy for not wanting to do the trip either.  I think your friend just doesn't understand.   

considering she had pushback from this friend in the past for not spending sums of money on herself she can't afford to spend - yes, the friend is being ridiculous.

Edited March 1, 2020 by gardenmom5

[catz]

I agree the ridiculousness comes in the push back and her unsolicited analysis of the situation.  Even with a close friend, I would not give an unsolicited opinion on their priorities or life choices unless I thought they were illegal or highly immoral.   Only having 5 days a year of vacation when you have kids at home is reason enough without even talking about budget in the OPs case.

[Lady Florida.]

That's a totally unreasonable expectation on the part of your friend. The idea itself isn't the problem, it's her pressuring you after you told her it's not something you can do. I don't think it's just the fact that she's single and childless. As others mentioned not all single or childless people are that obtuse. Having married late in life I was often the single friend before I met dh, and I could not imagine trying to pressure one of my married with kid friends into something they couldn't afford.

 

9 hours ago, SKL said:

 

I would probably say no to a week-long trip to Hawaii under the circumstances you describe.  However, a shorter (long weekend) and cheaper trip would probably be fine in your case (since you have a spouse to be with the kids while you're gone).

 

I have 3 close friends with whom I often take quick weekend trips. Usually we go close to home and take a bunch of board games - they're essentially board game getaways. For the past year we've been talking about a week long trip to NYC but recently realized it just isn't going to come together. We couldn't come up with a time when all of us could get away or when it would be financially feasible for all of us. None of us work and 3 of us have grown kids while the youngest child of the 4th is a teenager, so our lives are pretty similar. We opted instead for a 3 day trip to St. Augustine later this month, which is only a 1-1/2 hour drive and much, much cheaper.

The idea of a girlfriend vacation isn't wrong or ridiculous. In fact it's fun and can be helpful in how it refreshes you. It's when one or more try to pressure the others instead of being understanding that it's no longer a good thing.

[Ellie]

11 hours ago, HSmomof2 said:

My good friend would like to take a ‘girls trip’ next year. I originally thought she was talking about a weekend trip somewhere fairly local. However, now she’s talking about a week long trip somewhere like Hawaii. She’s single and has no children. The cost of the trip would be split. 

Our family doesn’t have money to take this type of vacation and never have as a family.....we’ve only taken vacations to places we can drive to and stayed only for a few days. Both dh and I work and have limited vacation time available (I only get 5 days/year). Ds is also doing dual enrollment and dd is homeschooling high school and involved in a lot of activities, so we plan around school schedules as well. I haven’t mentioned this to dh yet, but I don’t think he’ll think this is a great plan—for me to use my vacation time and the entire family’s vacation money to go on this trip myself. My kids would be unhappy as well, as they’d love to take a “real” vacation sometime. To me, I feel it would be selfish, and I don’t really want to travel somewhere like Hawaii without my family. My friend, however, thinks I’m being ridiculous and my family shouldn’t think twice about it and stop being ‘jealous’ of me going. 
I’m going to tell my friend no on this plan, and if she wants to do a local weekend trip, I could do that.....but am I being unreasonable for not wanting to do the big trip and putting my family’s feelings first? She often ‘chastises’ me for putting them first, but I think she just doesn’t understand because her life is so different. 

No, you aren't being unreasonable. And really,  it isn't even necessary to categorize your response as "reasonable" or "unreasonable." It's just a trip with a friend, right? No obligation of any kind? You don't have to have a reason to tell her "no," other than to say that it wouldn't work for you. And whether you had family or not, you couldn't go, because of finances and no vacation time, right? Well, there you go. It's a bad idea all round. Honestly, I can't imagine one of my friends suggesting that we all take a week-long girls trip anywhere, much less some place like Hawai'i (and I would love to go there; I teach hula, for crying out loud). The trip itself is not reasonable.

Also, it's pretty tacky of her to "chastise" you for putting your family first.

[Farrar]

4 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

considering she had pushback from this friend in the past for not spending sums of money on herself she can't afford to spend - yes, the friend is being ridiculous.

But we weren't given any context on that part in terms of the amount of money. I think we've all known moms who never prioritize themselves in any way and how damaging it can be for them - and for their families sometimes. And how much society can act like that's a positive for moms to give up everything and never do for themselves. I don't know that that's the OP (it doesn't sound like it) but I can't draw any judgments from the fact that her friend thinks she doesn't put herself first enough. That certainly isn't ridiculous.

The thing she said was that it's not ridiculous to suggest a weeklong girls' trip to Hawaii. And it isn't. However, the OP says it's not in her budget for her time or money so pretty much every single person has agreed that obviously she should not do it and that obviously the friend needs to be understanding.

[HSmomof2]

Thanks everyone for your input. I don’t think I’m a martyr mom.....I spend time with friends, go to a book club, go get my hair cut/colored, have hobbies, etc, and also spend a lot of time with my family because I like spending time with them. I think I’m pretty balanced overall. I think my friend truly just doesn’t get it. She had a pretty weird childhood, and has never been in a relationship as an adult, so she’s never had to consider anyone but herself when making plans. We’ve had some of these issues in the past with her expectations not matching my reality (and I’ve never had this problem with any other friends, so I think it’s more her issue than mine).

I’ll see her in a couple weeks and will tell her then that the week long trip isn’t going to work for time/money reasons, which is completely true. I have some suggestions for closer places on the coast that would be a lovely weekend getaway. I expect she’ll be disappointed, but don’t expect additional pushback. I just wanted some outside input on whether or not I wasn’t being reasonable about it.

[Reefgazer]

15 hours ago, HSmomof2 said:

My good friend would like to take a ‘girls trip’ next year. I originally thought she was talking about a weekend trip somewhere fairly local. However, now she’s talking about a week long trip somewhere like Hawaii. She’s single and has no children. The cost of the trip would be split. 

Our family doesn’t have money to take this type of vacation and never have as a family.....we’ve only taken vacations to places we can drive to and stayed only for a few days. Both dh and I work and have limited vacation time available (I only get 5 days/year). Ds is also doing dual enrollment and dd is homeschooling high school and involved in a lot of activities, so we plan around school schedules as well. I haven’t mentioned this to dh yet, but I don’t think he’ll think this is a great plan—for me to use my vacation time and the entire family’s vacation money to go on this trip myself. My kids would be unhappy as well, as they’d love to take a “real” vacation sometime. To me, I feel it would be selfish, and I don’t really want to travel somewhere like Hawaii without my family. My friend, however, thinks I’m being ridiculous and my family shouldn’t think twice about it and stop being ‘jealous’ of me going. 
I’m going to tell my friend no on this plan, and if she wants to do a local weekend trip, I could do that.....but am I being unreasonable for not wanting to do the big trip and putting my family’s feelings first? She often ‘chastises’ me for putting them first, but I think she just doesn’t understand because her life is so different. 

I agree with everything you said, and I would be of the same mind.  My family's consideration comes first for DH and I.

[EKS]

Many years ago my two best friends from college proposed that we go on a trip together.  They were talking about something similar in terms of duration and destination.  I told them that I couldn't do more than a long weekend and it had to be somewhere that my family wouldn't be envious of.  We ended up going to Sedona, AZ, in the spring, and it was lovely.

So, in answer to your question, yes, my family would have been unhappy with that plan.  I'd tell her that and then tell he what you *can* do.

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Farrar said:

But we weren't given any context on that part in terms of the amount of money. I think we've all known moms who never prioritize themselves in any way and how damaging it can be for them - and for their families sometimes. And how much society can act like that's a positive for moms to give up everything and never do for themselves. I don't know that that's the OP (it doesn't sound like it) but I can't draw any judgments from the fact that her friend thinks she doesn't put herself first enough. That certainly isn't ridiculous.

The thing she said was that it's not ridiculous to suggest a weeklong girls' trip to Hawaii. And it isn't. However, the OP says it's not in her budget for her time or money so pretty much every single person has agreed that obviously she should not do it and that obviously the friend needs to be understanding.

I've been in the position where I DID NOT HAVE THE MONEY for something simple  - some people were unwilling to accept that as an answer and  they kept right on pushing.  after all, the money wasn't a big deal for them.     for someone to then suggest "you need to spend more on yourself" when they really don't know (or care about) the circumstances is really out of line.   

for most people - it is ridiculous to suggest a week long trip to Hawaii while leaving their family behind.  most people with young children at home can't afford the money (and if they can - they'd rather spend it with their families), then there is the childcare, and vacation time for those who work.

 if the single friend wants to travel with a buddy, she should find a single friend who doesn't have family and fiduciary obligations.    or go with a tour.   I wonder if this is because she doesn't want to travel by herself?

 

[HSmomof2]

4 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I've been in the position where I DID NOT HAVE THE MONEY for something simple  - some people were unwilling to accept that as an answer and  they kept right on pushing.  after all, the money wasn't a big deal for them.     for someone to then suggest "you need to spend more on yourself" when they really don't know (or care about) the circumstances is really out of line.   

for most people - it is ridiculous to suggest a week long trip to Hawaii while leaving their family behind.  most people with young children at home can't afford the money (and if they can - they'd rather spend it with their families), then there is the childcare, and vacation time for those who work.

 if the single friend wants to travel with a buddy, she should find a single friend who doesn't have family and fiduciary obligations.    or go with a tour.   I wonder if this is because she doesn't want to travel by herself?

 

I really think she just doesn’t get it......my friend has a sister and other single friends that she frequently travels with.....she’ll still be able to find someone to go to Hawaii with if she wants to. Her entire life as an adult has been on her own.....she’s never had to consider sharing time or money with others. 

[marbel]

I don't think this is so much a conflict between being single and being married-with-kids. I think it has more to do with available time and money for leisure. 

I know married people with kids who would take a trip like that, because they had the time and money etc to do it. Heck, if my husband and I had not made a radical life change 15 years ago that changed his income trajectory dramatically, I could be a married-with-college-kids person able to plan a trip to Hawaii with friends. (I would hope if that were the case, I'd be sensitive to my friends and their ability/desire to do such a thing.)

After thinking about this some more, I am not sure I get the concern over jealousy. I expect my kids to travel without me when they are adults. My college daughter already has two foreign trips planned through school this year. I didn't leave the US* till I was 32 years old. My college son has no travel plans at this time. <shrug> Oh well, we are happy for her, and probably envious but still wouldn't expect her not to go. That said, it might give me pause to go someplace alone that my family wanted to go to as well. LOL, I will probably never know, 'cause there is no travel in my foreseeable future! 🙂

*I don't count visits to Canada as a kid, as it was a short drive over a bridge and no documents were required, or the Caribbean cruise I went on in the '80s for which I needed no passport because... I don't know why not, but we didn't. We didn't spend much time off US or cruise-line soil, though.  

[HSmomof2]

I think by the jealousy comment, my friend meant that my family shouldn’t be jealous of me going to Hawaii and not them....more of an attitude that I should be able to go, and too bad for them if they don’t get it.  I’m not sure jealous was the right term. My family would be unhappy if I used the entire family’s vacation money and used up all my vacation time to go on this trip with friend, leaving no money or time off for even an inexpensive family vacation. I don’t think it’d be fair to even ask that of my family, and I’m not so selfish to even expect it. (And honestly, if I were going to go somewhere like Hawaii, I’d want to do that with dh and dc rather than my friend.)

[marbel]

11 minutes ago, HSmomof2 said:

I think by the jealousy comment, my friend meant that my family shouldn’t be jealous of me going to Hawaii and not them....more of an attitude that I should be able to go, and too bad for them if they don’t get it.  I’m not sure jealous was the right term. My family would be unhappy if I used the entire family’s vacation money and used up all my vacation time to go on this trip with friend, leaving no money or time off for even an inexpensive family vacation. I don’t think it’d be fair to even ask that of my family, and I’m not so selfish to even expect it. (And honestly, if I were going to go somewhere like Hawaii, I’d want to do that with dh and dc rather than my friend.)

Oh yes, that I totally agree with and understand!  I was thinking more in terms of having the time and money to do both a mom/friend vacation, and a family vacation.  Not one or the other! I would also pick a family trip over a friend trip if I could only do one.

Edited March 1, 2020 by marbel

[HSmomof2]

5 minutes ago, Danae said:

If the friend had won an all-expense-paid trip for two and was offering to take you as her guest and your family didn’t want you to go unless they got to go too I would say they need to suck it up and be happy for you. But asking you to take the entire family vacation budget for yourself is different, especially if you don’t really want to go.

I agree......if that were the case, I’d gladly go, and my family would be totally fine with it as well. 

[Carol in Cal.]

This also goes to the issue of ‘what is a treat’?

I used to belong to a moms group that formed informally but lasted for a good long time.  We got together for dinner every month for years, and when our kids all turned 10, someone got the idea that we should have a get away to celebrate 10 years of motherhood.  OK, well and good, but they picked a very expensive spa weekend in Napa.  Now, the extent to which this is a bad fit for me could not be overstated.  I don’t like massages (they always seem to hurt me), at the time I had never had a facial or a wax job, and I don’t like sitting around in the sun.  So to be spending All That Money to be away from my family for a weekend that I would hate was not appealing, but I really wanted to mark the occasion.  No one else really felt this way.  One woman said she planned to sit next to pools with books the entire weekend and not do any of the spa stuff.  I thought that sounded fun but nutsy expensive when I could just as well curl up in bed to read or read in a park.  Then again, she had two very energetic and relentless sons, so a get away was probably a requirement to be able to read.  But I digress.

So what I did was said, hey guys, I can’t make it to the whole weekend, but I’ll meet you for dinner if you go out.  They made reservations at the Culinary Academy, we had a fantastic meal, and I spent the weekend with beloved cousins for free.  This was so much more fun and so much less time away and so much less expensive than the proposed trip.

If the Hawaii trip AND getting away from family for a short break was more of a treat/dream/once in a lifetime special wish, it *might* be reasonable.  But under the circumstances (expensive, using up all vacation time, not wanting to be away from family that long) it’s just not a treat at all, and it’s completely unreasonable.

[SereneHome]

So, my first reaction was that it was pretty judgy of friend to say that OP's family would be jealous. 

My husband, on another hand, said "sure, tell the friend to pay for you and go have fun, I'll take the kids to my parents for a week, you don't go there anyway". Boom, problem solved 🙂

The second thing my husband said-  it would take you two days to fly there, why would anyone want to go somewhere for a week when it takes 4 days of travel time....

[lulalu]

I just went through this last year with dh and a guys trip. He went because his friend said he would pay half his part. 

DS has not been happy and won't dh talk about the trip. I really wanted to go. And even dh said it wasn't as fun without us along. 

We have decided never again will we do guys or girls trips. It just wasn't fun for either of us. 

[gardenmom5]

13 hours ago, SereneHome said:

So, my first reaction was that it was pretty judgy of friend to say that OP's family would be jealous. 

My husband, on another hand, said "sure, tell the friend to pay for you and go have fun, I'll take the kids to my parents for a week, you don't go there anyway". Boom, problem solved 🙂

The second thing my husband said-  it would take you two days to fly there, why would anyone want to go somewhere for a week when it takes 4 days of travel time....

this would make my neck hairs stand up in warning.  someone who is focused on other people being jealous?  and so focused that she'd actually *say* something about it?  Maybe just my experience with a narcissistic grandmother (who would think that way about things) leaving me paranoid, but it's almost as thought the friend wants them to be jealous.

[May]

Under the circumstances you described, I’d say no but thanks for thinking of me. DH and I do separate trips, he goes on hunting/fishing trips with his brother. Brother has paid in the past😕but I quickly shut that down. He’s now retired but would take time off to do these trips with his brother. I happily stayed home with the kids because a little of his brother goes a long way🙄 When DD lived in Japan, I made 4 trips over in a 2 1/2 year timeframe. We are now empty nesters and I have no problem with couples taking vacations without the other.

[Murphy101]

I think if you don’t want to go because you wouldn’t be able to enjoy it - that’s good enough.  If you phrase it that way, then I think her comment is barbed and not okay. 

However if you said you couldn’t go because your husband and kids would get mad at you? Then she is on mark to say that’s not okay. It would bother me to hear that from a friend too.

All that aside.  Would you regret not going to Hawaii if you could go and didn’t? If so, you should go. I get the money thing. But I’ve come to realize if I wait to do the things I’ve always wanted to do and enjoy until there’s enough money for us all, I am never doing anything again. Like.  EVER.  Seriously.

My situation is different.  My husband has traveled a lot for many years for work. While I stayed home and did literally everything else.  And I truly harbor zero regret about having the kids or home schooling or being there for my kids. But now I finally have the chance to travel. So I’m going to. No regrets. My kids are absolutely okay with it. They miss me but they don’t resent it. My husband is okay with it as long as he gets some time with me when we can afford both of us.  My older kids have all kinds of interests that they enjoy that take them places.  We don’t have to do everything together to support each other.  It’s okay to go with your friend.  At least once after discussion with your husband of course but I don’t think it’d be awful to do it and my family wouldn’t be unhappy about it at all  

And all of THAT aside lol

Go to Curacao instead of Hawaii. It’s better beaches and less expensive.  I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to afford my half of a trip to Hawaii. And I would never take 7 days away that requires 4 of it be travel time. Where are you flying from?!