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heartlikealion

I got a job!

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Yay Heart!

This sounds like a great step for you, I really hope it works out well!

About how many hours per week do you expect to work?

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I'm so happy for you!!! Hooray!!!

I know your husband will probably object to this, but I suggest opening an account only in your name to have your paycheck deposited in. And if you need to use some of your money for household expenses, you can transfer a specific amount to the household account without using all of it.

I think this is important enough for you to hold a firm line on it and refuse to just put your money into the main account. You might tell your husband that you want to build some savings, so that your family will have options if/when you decide to live somewhere other than the faculty housing, and that this is a good use of the money, since your job will not cause an increase in household expenses (little to no time in the car).

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1 hour ago, maize said:

Yay Heart!

This sounds like a great step for you, I really hope it works out well!

About how many hours per week do you expect to work?

I’m still trying to figure that out. I’m ballparking no more than 10 but have no idea. I spent a couple hours proactively listing summer camps to research for our upcoming camp directory. I emailed the pdf this morning and will discuss it with them. I came up with approx 25 to add but I’m not certain if the groups have to pay to be listed there or not... it was unclear to me. For example, maybe one is free and one is paid? Digital vs print. I have a lot of questions to ask. I know part of the job is receiving online submissions and determining what to use and where to put it. The publication has 5 locations/5 versions for the state. But I’m used to more strict deadlines (the newspaper where I worked had 6 issues a week) so I think I’ll get the hang of it. 

9 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

I'm so happy for you!!! Hooray!!!

I know your husband will probably object to this, but I suggest opening an account only in your name to have your paycheck deposited in. And if you need to use some of your money for household expenses, you can transfer a specific amount to the household account without using all of it.

I think this is important enough for you to hold a firm line on it and refuse to just put your money into the main account. You might tell your husband that you want to build some savings, so that your family will have options if/when you decide to live somewhere other than the faculty housing, and that this is a good use of the money, since your job will not cause an increase in household expenses (little to no time in the car).

I think this would be something I’d broach in marital counseling perhaps... but not sure. 

Thank you, everyone! 

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1 hour ago, Storygirl said:

I think this is important enough for you to hold a firm line on it and refuse to just put your money into the main account.

Bingo. I hope after all the mess Heart has had with money that she puts that money into a separate checking account with only her name, NO COMINGLING. Don't put the money into the main and then transfer either. Just straight into your account. That way it doesn't fritter or disappear. And congrats on this job! It sounds like a wonderful fit and use of your skills.

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Just a thought- any way you could make a laundry basket with stuff for your DD she can only use while you are working. Could have toys, color wonder stuff, etc.  Things she doesn’t have already to play with or do and they are only for when you are working.

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I think this would be something I’d broach in marital counseling perhaps... but not sure. 

Or with a lawyer. If you co-mingle the money at all, then it's marital property, joint. At this point you're way wiser to be keeping this money separate. Look at marital property laws in your state. This is not a time to be emotional, just rational and protective of your family. And the best way to take care of your family is to make sure the money you earn doesn't disappear.

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8 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Just a thought- any way you could make a laundry basket with stuff for your DD she can only use while you are working. Could have toys, color wonder stuff, etc.  Things she doesn’t have already to play with or do and they are only for when you are working.

I don’t know. 

Dd and I just left an OT eval. The therapist sees kids all the time and said dd has a very short attention span and that various things are related to primitive reflexes etc?? I think a large portion of my check will go to OT. 

Dh doesn’t know I have a separate account. I have been putting a little in it here and there. I think he will say it’s a betrayal etc. We have been doing a love app together. He doesn’t trust me right now after the divorce talk. Our therapist might be useless in the finance realm so I’m worried she’ll say yeah no reason not to share money. But I’d rather bring it up in front of a third party if I do. 

They said therapy visits will be $160 each and ins. only allows 20/year. I’ll probably take dd twice a month as opposed to weekly. I don’t know. 

I’m just thankful for more independence... and the validation today that dd is difficult lol 

Edited by heartlikealion
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1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

I think a large portion of my check will go to OT. 

Can you get some insurance coverage for the OT? That price seems awful. Will your new employer offer you better insurance? Or could you go full time and get better coverage?

Was the divorce talk by you or him? No, you should not be getting legal and financial counsel from someone who is unqualified. You need to know the marital property laws specific to your state. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

 

I think this would be something I’d broach in marital counseling perhaps... but not sure. 

One woman I know with a spendthrift husband always declined direct deposit and cashed the check herself. She then set aside part of the cash before depositing the rest in a joint account. 
Eta: this way there is no need to broach the subject.

Edited by mms
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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

They said therapy visits will be $160 each and ins. only allows 20/year. I’ll probably take dd twice a month as opposed to weekly. I don’t know. 

If insurance is covering 20 visits, I would do the 20 and stop. OT is an endless pit. At some point, it would be cheaper to enroll her in the ps and get OT through them or go full time and get better insurance to cover more. But really, that $160 an hour is HIGH. That is really high, premium high around here. You're probably working 10 hours (after taxes) to pay for that one hour. That's just crazy. And much of what they do is very vague. The reflex work is good, but that's like 6-8 weeks, boom done. To say you need more than 20 sessions is getting into really vague land. We've done a lot of OT over the years, but I'm just saying it's a money drain and not always the most productive or evidence based. It's more you want something to help and you hope it will help. So if you do the 20 and stop, you can resume 6 months later when your insurance will cover more. Gives you time to see whether it was making a difference and what your new holes are. 

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41 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Or with a lawyer. If you co-mingle the money at all, then it's marital property, joint. At this point you're way wiser to be keeping this money separate. Look at marital property laws in your state. This is not a time to be emotional, just rational and protective of your family. And the best way to take care of your family is to make sure the money you earn doesn't disappear.

Surely it is joint in case of divorce anyway?  Is it not 50/50 where you are.  Keeping it apart seems a good idea in this case though.

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I would not do OT at that price when benefits may be marginal.

Are there dance or tumbling or martial arts classes in your area? Any of those can help with physical and brain development--less targeted than OT but for many kids I believe at least as beneficial. For a fraction of the cost.

I looked into OT for my kids and opted for this route instead.

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10 minutes ago, kiwik said:

Surely it is joint in case of divorce anyway?  Is it not 50/50 where you are.  Keeping it apart seems a good idea in this case though.

No, it varies by state.

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8 minutes ago, maize said:

I would not do OT at that price when benefits may be marginal.

Are there dance or tumbling or martial arts classes in your area? Any of those can help with physical and brain development--less targeted than OT but for many kids I believe at least as beneficial. For a fraction of the cost.

I looked into OT for my kids and opted for this route instead.

Bingo. Or buy the materials for Zones of Regulation and Interoception or whatever programs the OT would be doing and do them yourself. At least Zones and Interoception have some research behind them. But a lot of the stuff done in OT is just voodoo, vague. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know. 

Dd and I just left an OT eval. The therapist sees kids all the time and said dd has a very short attention span and that various things are related to primitive reflexes etc?? I think a large portion of my check will go to OT. 

Dh doesn’t know I have a separate account. I have been putting a little in it here and there. I think he will say it’s a betrayal etc. We have been doing a love app together. He doesn’t trust me right now after the divorce talk. Our therapist might be useless in the finance realm so I’m worried she’ll say yeah no reason not to share money. But I’d rather bring it up in front of a third party if I do. 

They said therapy visits will be $160 each and ins. only allows 20/year. I’ll probably take dd twice a month as opposed to weekly. I don’t know. 

I’m just thankful for more independence... and the validation today that dd is difficult lol 

 

That's a lie he's using to manipulate you.  What he actually thinks is, "I don't trust that I can manipulate her any more because it turns out she has a background backbone after all.  I no longer trust I can abuse her and the kids any way I want."

I wouldn't put all the money into your own account either.  But I would automatically deposit maybe 10-25% into your own account and not tell him about it.  If/when he discovers and has a fit tell him he did it himself because he's proven multiple times you can't trust him and you might need it for an emergency some day.  You don't have to mention that the emergency might be leaving.

Edited by Katy
stupid autocorrect.
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29 minutes ago, kiwik said:

Surely it is joint in case of divorce anyway?  Is it not 50/50 where you are.  Keeping it apart seems a good idea in this case though.

 

Not if you've already spent the money moving out it isn't.

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10 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

I wouldn't put all the money into your own account either.  But I would automatically deposit maybe 10-25% into your own account and not tell him about it.  If/when he discovers and has a fit tell him he did it himself because he's proven multiple times you can't trust him and you might need it for an emergency some day.  You don't have to mention that the emergency might be leaving.

Some employers will allow you to split your paycheck deposit--say, 80,% to one account, 20% to another.

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29 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

No, it varies by state.

Eek.  So in some states if the husband got his high income paid into a separate account while his wife looked after their kids he could give he minimal amounts for housekeeping then  walk away with all the unspent money?  Sounds Victorian.

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12 minutes ago, kiwik said:

Eek.  So in some states if the husband got his high income paid into a separate account while his wife looked after their kids he could give he minimal amounts for housekeeping then  walk away with all the unspent money?  Sounds Victorian.

I'm not getting into the morality of it. I'm saying she's unwise to make this an emotional thing or get advice from someone who is not a lawyer or someone qualified to give her legal counsel. Someone has talked divorce and he's been very unreliable. He certainly is not making decisions based on kind spiritual/emotional/love motive, so there's no reason why her femininity and good intentions should be used against her here. She should research her state laws and get sound legal counsel. And personally, I would advise her to continue to compel medical bills to be paid by joint funds. 

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The reason I want OT here is because our optometrist trained their OTs to do exercises specific to helping dd with her vision issues. 
 

Once I learn more yes, I can do more at home. But I’ve never been good at keeping the kids on an exercise routine and dd won’t always cooperate. She flat out told me once she’d do her speech stuff with the SLP but not me. 
 

I’m in the midst of getting an IEP for her. I told the OT I’d like to see if we can add OT to her IEP but I’m worried the school won’t supply an OT. She said legally they have to. But I know they will probably weasel out of it by saying it doesn’t affect dd in the classroom. That’s what happened with ds. He had an OT eval done elsewhere. He never got an IEP. 

This week or next week they should have the eval report from dd’s school district eval. Then a week after that we have the IEP meeting. I’m trying to get her private OT report to the IEP meeting. 

Insurance won’t cover anything. We haven’t met our deductible. But I think the 20 visit thing applies anyway, where if you need more than 20 they have to approve it. I mean in order for OT to count toward the deductible maybe? Not sure. We pay for all medical with the flex spending card and we’re going through it quickly... I’m in individual therapy, we’ve got marital, and then whatever else we do like OT. We’ve only gone to marital once. It’s been so hard to make time. 

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Re: divorce 

dh intercepted a Facebook alert (his computer pops them up even if the window is closed if you didn’t fully log out) one time where I discussed divorce with someone via Facebook messenger. I have since told him that if things don’t improve, divorce is still a possibility. 

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10 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

And personally, I would advise her to continue to compel medical bills to be paid by joint funds. 


without my job I don’t see the $160 necessarily being available so in a sense it’s from the joint. I guess if they aren’t merged then some would come from each account. 

Our tax return is going to his classes. Kinda makes me sick. But I guess it’s better than another student loan. 

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I didn't realize the OT was hitting vision as well. That's good. Well hopefully it can be really concrete and get it done. Like not 2-3 years but 6 months and done. And that's a lot of sacrifice, but getting vision problems (and the OT issues underlying vision problems) resolved is really good. Hopefully they will be giving you homework too. 

That's good that you're working on an IEP. Some kids benefit from a team approach. 

It's just wonderful that you finally have a job that is giving you these options. And it sounds like a good job that would springboard to other jobs, more hours, etc. if you wanted it. This is a really good development!!

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14 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

My next individual is Tues. night. 

Individual is where you want to be discussing these things first. But like I said, you really want to google for the laws specific to your state. And it's good that he's feeling the heat. He's been a real donkey's butt and it sounds like it put a little fear into him. 

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Well, pooh about the insurance not covering OT. I think it is super fabulous that you got this job, even though there will still be things to work out about the new money coming in. I hope the school agrees that an IEP is needed, so that that she can get some services through them. In our experience, it can be harder to qualify for OT through the school than for other things; even if there are obvious issues, they can say that it's not enough for services. So you are correct to understand that just because you ask, and just because a need is documented, that the school can still say that they don't have to help with OT. What I mean is, it's good for you to have realistic expectations, so that your hopes are not dashed, but I still hope that they agree to work with her on things.

Having an IEP in place before she even enrolls there would be awesome! I hope that happens. And then once she is in their classroom, if teachers notice issues, it's then easier for them to modify the IEP to add more things in. I know your school district is hard to work with, so I really hope that they see the needs this time.

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Something in our state is 50/50... I thought it was income but could be debt... I’ll double check. But I’m thinking the separate account may or may not matter. 

The SLP from school used to see dd’s optometrist which I thought was cool as she knew who I was talking about. At that office she saw anyone. At her current office it’s just kids besides some adults with neurological issues. 

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4 hours ago, kiwik said:

Eek.  So in some states if the husband got his high income paid into a separate account while his wife looked after their kids he could give he minimal amounts for housekeeping then  walk away with all the unspent money?  Sounds Victorian.

this happens in community property states all the times.   one spouse hides money to prevent it being counted among the marital assets.

an acquaintance was helping a women who got crap legal advice, whose husband basically left her with nothing - but they were able to reopen the case and get him back to court.  the judge threw out the previous divorce settlement and made darn sure she was taken care of. his parting words to the husband was he'd better never ever show up in courtroom again. (the judge wanted to hang him by his toes.)

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3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Something in our state is 50/50... I thought it was income but could be debt... I’ll double check. But I’m thinking the separate account may or may not matter. 

 

My suggestion to put *part* of the money into a separate account is not at all in light of a potential divorce. If your husband is not reliable with money and impulsive then it is just a matter of prudence to save up for a rainy day in the event he cleans out the joint account for some reason of his own.  My friend who set aside part of her paycheck each time learned to do this the hard way after her husband quit his job on a whim and went to tour the country with a rock band thinking this was going to be his break.  He came back contrite, but she and the children struggled financially while he was gone.  They have been married for fifty years now and are quite happy, she is just realistic about his limits. Actually I guess she even used her funds to help him out a few times so over the years he learned to appreciate his wife’s foresight.

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I had thought of paper checks but I feel like that would be weird to request and/or Dh would think it was nuts if he thought the company did not offer direct deposit. Splitting might be an option but I already the salary in a discussion with him so I would still have to explain a discrepancy. Honestly not sure how much I’ll get after taxes per check. 

This month we each got cash and that’s for eating out and other wants. I think I’ve done well — got a nice dress for under $6 at Goodwill and heels for $13 on sale elsewhere. Really that was because I tried to find clothes for a Mardi Gras event (the church had spare paid event tickets) but we couldn’t get a sitter, anyway. The clothes will be good for another occasion, though. I’ve been tracking grocery shopping and spent under $100 the first week. 

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10 hours ago, PeterPan said:

I'm not getting into the morality of it. I'm saying she's unwise to make this an emotional thing or get advice from someone who is not a lawyer or someone qualified to give her legal counsel. Someone has talked divorce and he's been very unreliable. He certainly is not making decisions based on kind spiritual/emotional/love motive, so there's no reason why her femininity and good intentions should be used against her here. She should research her state laws and get sound legal counsel. And personally, I would advise her to continue to compel medical bills to be paid by joint funds. 

I am just fascinated by the way things vary in other countries (not just the US).  NZ is so small population wise and young country wise we are boringly consistent.  I think you give good advice and the person who said money spent on moving has a very good point.  

Maybe the first few pay checks  could go to getting legal advice?  It sounds like a perfect job for now and also a way of getting back in the workforce in case you need more work later.  Well done!

Edited by kiwik
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On my debt-free Facebook community one of the coaches recommended putting my checks toward paying down the debt and building up the emergency fund if we could live off of dh’s checks. I would never feel comfortable putting the emergency fund in the joint. 

I want to see if we qualify for a second free financial advisor meeting at our credit union. But if not, I can seek one out for just myself probably. 

Dh brushes off some of our debt because he’s in a student loan forgiveness program. He says the student loans will go away in like 5 years. The current program he’s in has about 3 years left (he takes 2 classes every semester including summer) and we pay ~$330-400 each semester out of pocket to avoid another loan/credit card expense (Some semesters it’s closer to $330. Others it’s closer to $400. I don’t know why). It would be higher, but he gets a discount at that university through his employer. 

We pay roughly $345/mo on that outrageous cc debt. I know that’s not all on him but between the two of us I’m definitely more thrifty. We no longer use the cc. He confirmed our payments are touching the principal at least. But ugh how much. 

Most months we have some medical bill we’re paying on. I have $25 to finish one. Thats the last of the medical coming out of our checking (based on billing date and flex card cycle). The rest will come out of the flex card. But we’re running through that fast. I am not even authorized to get the flex card balance but I do everything else. I submit the receipts for validation and know the staff at the office. I had the balance before I started therapy so I can subtract to figure it out or make Dh call back. We had the max plan... I believe $2500. Ds can’t get his APD test now because the university stopped offering it and screwed up their waiting list last semester (he was waiting for it). So that’s $300 that I guess will now go toward dd’s OT. An acquaintance just spoke highly of her child’s progress at the OT office for retained primitive reflexes. She said they went 6 weeks then continued stuff at home. I’m going to find out if she went 6 sessions. 

My individual therapist sees clients usually no more than 12 sessions. It’s brief counseling. She already lowered her rate for me and it’s still high ($150/hr). But I like her more than anyone I’ve seen and she offered EMDR so I’ll probably end up doing that to tackle trauma or stressors below the surface. 

We have a furniture debt too but it’s interest-free so seems pointless to tackle first. 

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37 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

On my debt-free Facebook community one of the coaches recommended putting my checks toward paying down the debt and building up the emergency fund if we could live off of dh’s checks. I would never feel comfortable putting the emergency fund in the joint. 

I want to see if we qualify for a second free financial advisor meeting at our credit union. But if not, I can seek one out for just myself probably. 

These both seem like really good plans. That's what I meant about the medical coming from his paycheck. You're missing cushion and so he needs to continue to scrimp and feel the pressure and not up HIS spending just because you're making some money. 

40 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

We pay roughly $345/mo on that outrageous cc debt.

I can see why you're frustrated. This definitely sounds like stuff to talk through with the financial advisors you're trying to connect with. It sounds like you're doing the right thing getting good counsel.

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2 hours ago, PeterPan said:

These both seem like really good plans. That's what I meant about the medical coming from his paycheck. You're missing cushion and so he needs to continue to scrimp and feel the pressure and not up HIS spending just because you're making some money. 

I can see why you're frustrated. This definitely sounds like stuff to talk through with the financial advisors you're trying to connect with. It sounds like you're doing the right thing getting good counsel.

This, this, this! I am concerned that your extra income may just be absorbed as more spending money by your husband and think that you need to work deliberately to prevent that. Building up an emergency fund would be a really important goal for your family, if he can get on board with that. Putting it that way should (hopefully) seem more acceptable to him than just you saving a pot of money for yourself

If he doesn't want to chip away at the student loan debt or the furniture debt by paying extra on them, (over what you do now), with the idea that they will resolve themselves anyway in a few years, I would just accept that, I think, for now. It would be great if he could agree not to ADD any more things like this to your family's debt load. (Like a new car -- if I remember correctly, he wanted a new one.) If he could agree not to ADD debt, that would make me (if I were you) feel more comfortable about the idea that we would be carrying some debt for the near future.

Ideally, I think the credit card debt should be handled out of his income and that yours should just become the savings fund. But the reality may be that the only way to pay down the CC is to use the extra money you will be bringing in. And I think that if you can get the CC paid off and have some money in an emergency fund, that a chunk of your stress over finances will be relieved.

I would love for you to have some relief from that stress. I really think that would help you a lot, both personally, and in your marriage. I'm rooting for you!

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3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

We have a furniture debt too but it’s interest-free so seems pointless to tackle first. 

Congrats on the job! It sounds tailor made for you!

Regarding the above, be aware that usually it's interest free if paid off in a certain amount of time. If anything is owed on it when the due date arrives, you'll owe all the past interest plus the current principle. We frequently use free interest, but we make sure to pay it off before it's due.

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7 minutes ago, wilrunner said:

Congrats on the job! It sounds tailor made for you!

Regarding the above, be aware that usually it's interest free if paid off in a certain amount of time. If anything is owed on it when the due date arrives, you'll owe all the past interest plus the current principle. We frequently use free interest, but we make sure to pay it off before it's due.

 

I've messed this up before (A dental bill).

Which is why I hesitate to do it again.

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The furniture is on a payment plan that will be paid off in time. It’s a monthly auto draft. Approximately $55/mo. 

Dh dropped the new car thing but when I got this job he suggested we get a second computer monitor. I think that’s more for him than me. He uses 2 at his office and does a lot of school work there because of it. I could go either way on the monitor being useful, but I’d probably benefit more from putting money toward a good laptop. In the meantime, if I travel, I’m not worried. I can check out a laptop from his library or use my dad’s or ds’. Ds and I both have not very good laptops. Mine is a second-hand Mac Pro dinosaur only good for surfing the web. Can’t even download the latest chrome. It’s not compatible. Ds has a refurbished laptop that messes up. My office uses a mix of PC and Mac and doesn’t care what I use. 

I had training in person today but it ran long and I asked in advance if I needed a sitter to stay past noon. They said no, but it would have helped. I need (they want me to but are flexible) to go back Monday. I’m going to try to schedule the sitter. My therapist and I didn’t talk about finances. I think I’ll just leave that to a financial advisor. She’s given me some goals to work on before our next meeting. One is to continue to look for a second (and/or third) sitter. This one only watches kids during the day and during school session. I need weekend and summer options. The college kids are not reliable but I can try. I’d have to find an athlete for weekends as most students not here as athletes are sent home on weekends. I need sitters for work reasons and date nights. We could try weekday dates, too. 
 

I’m trying to hold off on any big purchases. IF I get a laptop I’ll try to finance through Best Buy or something. I used to work there and some locations have macs. 


 

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