What’s this called?

[mmasc]

Does this have a name? What if someone you’re close to has the personality where they always wait for you to contact them so ‘they aren’t bothering you’? Even if it’s something kind of big like, say, surgery? So maybe they know you’re having surgery on May 1, but then don’t contact you at all bc they’re waiting for you to call and tell them you’re ok? Or maybe something else ‘big’ is happening in your life on a very specific date and they don’t text or call and say ‘how are you?’ Or ‘just checking in. Praying for you’ or ‘are the kids ok?’ bc they think you will call them and say ‘we’re fine. Big event happened and we are ok’ or whatever. It just seems like some things you would be reached out to, not the other way around. I know this is a bit vague. Just wondering if any hive armchair psychologists have a take on it. 😁

[MEmama]

Maybe the other person is just insecure in their role in the relationship? Or maybe they are very private, so reaching out feels like it could be an imposition?
 

Idk, I’ve not reached out many times when maybe I “should” have for both of the above reasons. It’s not always to know where another persons boundaries are, or what might be appreciated. 

[TheReader]

The name I (unfortunately) give it is "my mom" so.....I get what you're saying, exactly. It's annoying. 

(well, except that, she normally never reaches out, because exactly that, in her words "I didn't want to bother you", only, then she recently DID reach out about the most absurd, off the wall, highly offensive thing ever, and now we aren't speaking, so.....)

I don't know *what* trait....diagnosis.....anything....it actually is. Just that yes, it happens, yes, it sucks/stinks, yes, it's annoying, and yes, it then takes effort to keep being the one to always reach out when the person like that, does that. 

I keep looking up all the things....narcissistic? Borderline Personality Disorder?....none of them seem right, in her case. Usually I chalk it up to insecurity. And just....she is who/how she is. 

What I've (lately, recently) come to realize is.....she is how she is/who she is, period. I can spend time trying to figure out the reason for it, a name for it, etc, and that won't really help a whole lot, because I will still have to deal with the behavior that results. So instead I focus my energy on learning to respond/react/interact in a way that is healthy for me & my family. Regardless of what the reason is.  (now, currently, that means I'm not speaking to her, but I promise you she earned that....). 

Anyway, I don't have a clue what sort of "what" it might be called, but I do know it's a thing, and it's annoying as all get-out and sometimes very hurtful. I'm sorry you have a person in your life like that. 

[mmasc]

6 minutes ago, TheReader said:

The name I (unfortunately) give it is "my mom" so.....I get what you're saying, exactly. It's annoying. 

(well, except that, she normally never reaches out, because exactly that, in her words "I didn't want to bother you", only, then she recently DID reach out about the most absurd, off the wall, highly offensive thing ever, and now we aren't speaking, so.....)

I don't know *what* trait....diagnosis.....anything....it actually is. Just that yes, it happens, yes, it sucks/stinks, yes, it's annoying, and yes, it then takes effort to keep being the one to always reach out when the person like that, does that. 

I keep looking up all the things....narcissistic? Borderline Personality Disorder?....none of them seem right, in her case. Usually I chalk it up to insecurity. And just....she is who/how she is. 

What I've (lately, recently) come to realize is.....she is how she is/who she is, period. I can spend time trying to figure out the reason for it, a name for it, etc, and that won't really help a whole lot, because I will still have to deal with the behavior that results. So instead I focus my energy on learning to respond/react/interact in a way that is healthy for me & my family. Regardless of what the reason is.  (now, currently, that means I'm not speaking to her, but I promise you she earned that....). 

Anyway, I don't have a clue what sort of "what" it might be called, but I do know it's a thing, and it's annoying as all get-out and sometimes very hurtful. I'm sorry you have a person in your life like that. 

Thank you. You’ve pretty much nailed it. I do think it’s just a personality thing, and maybe not a ‘diagnosis’...who knows though. But yeah, being reached out to occasionally would be nice. I mean, are you ‘not bothering me’ bc you don’t remember the ‘big event’? Or don’t care? Or just not your personality to do so? Who knows—probably number 3. 🤷🏼‍♀️
 

Eta: thank you for the reminder that I can only control me and my response

Edited February 6, 2020 by mmasc

[Ailaena]

I also call it “mom” but my mother is literally the sweetest, most caring woman I have ever known.   She cares about you a lot and will nervously wait until she hears from you and she legitimately does not want to bother you - especially if it’s medical related. 

I think it’s a combination of low self-esteem and anxiety from one time when somebody made her feel like a burden.  I Probably know that because I’m similar - I care a lot about you and I don’t want to annoy you to death :( ❤️

 

[mmasc]

1 minute ago, Ailaena said:

I also call it “mom” but my mother is literally the sweetest, most caring woman I have ever known.   She cares about you a lot and will nervously wait until she hears from you and she legitimately does not want to bother you - especially if it’s medical related. 

I think it’s a combination of low self-esteem and anxiety from one time when somebody made her feel like a burden.  I Probably know that because I’m similar - I care a lot about you and I don’t want to annoy you to death 😞 ❤️

 

Hmmm...that’s a perspective I hadn’t really thought about. Thank you

[TheReader]

1 minute ago, mmasc said:

Thank you. You’ve pretty much nailed it. I do think it’s just a personality thing, and maybe not a ‘diagnosis’...who knows though. But yeah, being reached out to occasionally would be nice. I mean, are you ‘not bothering me’ bc you don’t remember the ‘big event’? Or don’t care? Or just not your personality to do so? Who knows—probably number 3. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Mine started doing it after a time when she was all pouty because she'd been told a few times in a row that she called at a weird/very inconvenient time (like, Mom, sorry, I'm sitting at the doctor with the kids, or Mom, I'm driving, or....things like that). So then after that, she made a point of never calling, "in case I'm bothering you" (so it started off as an attempt to guilt-trip, and then just.....stuck). 

On the flip side, she *always* makes sure to post on FB when it's a birthday or anniversary, so that everyone knows she remembered. :shrug: (hilariously -- even now, when we aren't speaking to her; cracks.me.up.) 

[TheReader]

11 minutes ago, Ailaena said:

I also call it “mom” but my mother is literally the sweetest, most caring woman I have ever known.   She cares about you a lot and will nervously wait until she hears from you and she legitimately does not want to bother you - especially if it’s medical related. 

I think it’s a combination of low self-esteem and anxiety from one time when somebody made her feel like a burden.  I Probably know that because I’m similar - I care a lot about you and I don’t want to annoy you to death 😞 ❤️

 

I forget that normal people do things like this, too, for legitimate reasons. 

I'm glad you spoke up. 

[ktgrok]

Is this person an introvert? I don't want people calling to check on me if I'm dealing with something big. that's the LAST thing I want. So if they feel that way too, they might assume everyone feels that way. And that they are doing the right thing by not bothering you. 

[MEmama]

Hmmm...the last time I DID reach out, when a dear friend had a very major, very personal procedure done, I was immediately cast aside. She let me know clearly I wasn’t wanted any longer and I haven’t heard from her in over a year. 🤷‍♀️

So there’s that. Not everyone appreciates displays of friendship and love. 
 

 

[mmasc]

1 minute ago, MEmama said:

Hmmm...the last time I DID reach out, when a dear friend had a very major, very personal procedure done, I was immediately cast aside. She let me know clearly I wasn’t wanted any longer and I haven’t heard from her in over a year. 🤷‍♀️

So there’s that. Not everyone appreciates displays of friendship and love. 
 

 

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. There are many (me included) who would have loved your display of care and concern. 

[mmasc]

you guys are showing me lots of different perspectives and it is helpful. Thank you.

Re: introvert...I don’t think she is. I mean, I know she appreciates when I check on her if she’s sick or something, so I’d assume she’d know that it would be appreciated in return.

[GoodGrief]

It's really hard to know what people want, and some people do overthink their interactions, out of anxiety.

Recently, a younger FB friend in advanced pregnancy wrote a post critical of the (apparently multiple) people who had reached out to her privately to ask when the baby was due. It was too much pressure and annoyed her.

Everybody wants something different, so I do see why people get nervous about it.

Edited February 6, 2020 by GoodGrief

[kbutton]

I'm sort of this person. The switch to cell phones did me in--when people are available 24/7 on the darn things, I have no idea when it's okay to text or call, etc. I got a lot of irritable responses from people that I now know are people outside the norm, but it sort of set a pattern of being wary ever since.

Until a few months ago, I didn't have a phone that was reasonable for texting, and it's nearly impossible to explain what it did. It sent any kind of texted picture or group conversation as a download of some kind. It was awful. It limited my texting abilities quite a lot. It also didn't show me who was sending those kinds of texts even if they were in my address book. I could not reply quickly or easily to group texts, nor could I see entire conversations. (It was not a flip phone.)

With a real phone, you can always leave a message. No one wants you to leave a message on their cell phone. People only sort of answer texts--often an answer doesn't actually address anything you've said. Many people on the forums gripe about people actually--gasp--calling. 

And sometimes it's just keeping our own heads above water. 

Sometimes I know that the other person has a LOT more friends than I do and will be okay and extra communication from me isn't going to help.

I do text a few people whose phone use I actually understand, but they generally have to initiate a couple of times before I feel like I know whether they are okay with texting or not. 

[Scarlett]

47 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Hmmm...the last time I DID reach out, when a dear friend had a very major, very personal procedure done, I was immediately cast aside. She let me know clearly I wasn’t wanted any longer and I haven’t heard from her in over a year. 🤷‍♀️

So there’s that. Not everyone appreciates displays of friendship and love. 
 

 

That was no friend.  Friends don’t cast people aside because they don't want to talk about whatever subject.  A friend would say, ‘thank you for checking on me.i am ok.   I am having a tough time discussing this, so it might take me a few weeks to get back to you,’.  Or some version  of that.  
 

I mean, what is wrong with people.  

Edited February 7, 2020 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

23 minutes ago, GoodGrief1 said:

It's really hard to know what people want, and some people do overthink their interactions, out of anxiety.

Recently, a younger FB friend in advanced pregnancy wrote a post critical of the (apparently multiple) people who had reached out to her privately to ask when the baby was due. It was too much pressure and annoyed her.

Everybody wants something different, so I do see why people get nervous about it.

How rude.  
 

She needs a real problem.....instead of the imaginary problem of having too many people who care enough about her to reach out.  

[Scarlett]

41 minutes ago, mmasc said:

you guys are showing me lots of different perspectives and it is helpful. Thank you.

Re: introvert...I don’t think she is. I mean, I know she appreciates when I check on her if she’s sick or something, so I’d assume she’d know that it would be appreciated in return.

I would discuss this with her.  Especially if this is a close friend or close relative.  ‘Hey, it would not bother me and in fact make me feel loved if you checked on me once in a while. I mean, don’t you like it when I reach out to you and check on you?‘

Edited February 7, 2020 by Scarlett

[mmasc]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I would discuss this with her.  Especially if this is a close friend or close relative.  ‘Hey, it would not bother me and in fact make me feel loved if you checked on me once in a while. I mean, don’t you like it when I reach out to you and check on you?‘

I’ve tried this I think. I’ve said ‘it’s never a bother’ or ‘if I’m tied up and can’t talk then I won’t answer’ or ‘it would nice for you to check in sometime, even if by text’. 
 

It’s not a friend. Relative

i guess I’m just going to have to chalk it up to personality differences and not view it as a personal slight  

 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, mmasc said:

I’ve tried this I think. I’ve said ‘it’s never a bother’ or ‘if I’m tied up and can’t talk then I won’t answer’ or ‘it would nice for you to check in sometime, even if by text’. 
 

It’s not a friend. Relative

i guess I’m just going to have to chalk it up to personality differences and not view it as a personal slight  

 

Probably.  But I would still rinse and repeat.  🙂

[Shoeless]

You could call it "unsupportive", depending on the motives/disposition of the person doing it.

I have a relation that does it, and it's frustrating. I feel like I"m always having to chase them down because "They don't want to bother me". 😕 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

You could call it "unsupportive", depending on the motives/disposition of the person doing it.

I have a relation that does it, and it's frustrating. I feel like I"m always having to chase them down because "They don't want to bother me". 😕 

I guess you could just reply in kind.  Lol...that seems wrong but it might work. 

[Shoeless]

28 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I guess you could just reply in kind.  Lol...that seems wrong but it might work. 

 

I kind of have. It's one of husband's relatives, so I've taken to saying "I'll let you work that out with husband!" when events with his relatives come up. It doesn't really fix anything, but it takes responsibility for it off my plate. 

[maize]

My family are not great about communicating in general. I think most of us feel like if someone wants us to know something they will reach out to us. 

It has its positive side--I hear so many complaints from people about interfering, opinionated relatives. We love each other very much but mostly don't feel a need to be in each other's pockets, if that makes sense. People do feel comfortable reaching out and asking for help when the bigger bumps of life hit, and often in a case like that someone else will take up the job of coordinating support behind the scenes.

[almondbutterandjelly]

I don't ask about stuff because I don't want to pry.  That's literally what phrase goes in my head as I don't ask: "I don't want to pry."  Probably different scenario than you are dealing with though.

[Storygirl]

I am probably this kind of person, though I don't mean to be. In my case, it's mostly social anxiety -- I'm not sure what the right thing to do is, or what the other person will appreciate or find annoying, so I fret and delay and put it off, until then it seems too late to reach out, so I don't. The person on the receiving end doesn't perceive any of this, other than the fact that I seemed to do nothing and didn't care. Which makes me sad.

I do have insecurities, based on hurtful interactions with people in the past, that affect me. I don't assume that people will necessarily want to hear from me, and I don't want to bother them with a message at an inopportune time.

There is an example I have from years ago, that still bothers me. I heard from my daughter's friend that her grandmother had died, and that her mom-- my friend -- had gone out of town to where her family lived. I spent a lot of time wondering what to do. I didn't want to call or text her, in case my message would interrupt something she was doing with family or the memorial service. I thought about offering a meal to her husband and kids, who were still at home, but I felt awkward contacting the husband, whom I didn't know well. I tried to find the obituary or other information about the service online, because I was really considering driving the three or four hours to go to the funeral, if I could. But I didn't know the deceased's name, so I couldn't figure it out. I was worried and in a tither about all of this, and I cared a BUNCH about my friend and what she was going through.

But the end result is that I didn't accomplish anything. I felt awkward and stupid and sorry about all of it. A few days later, when I did talk to my friend again on the phone, she started the conversation with, "Did my daughter tell you that my mother died?" I didn't even have a chance to bring it up first, to show sympathy. All I could say was, "Yes, she told me, and I'm so sorry."

From her perspective, I am the friend who didn't care enough to call. But that's not true at all, really. It's just that I couldn't figure out how to handle it, and if anything, I cared too much, and it made me too anxious to reach out.

So, OP, the person you describe could be like me.

Or they could be a person with an entire different set of reasons and issues for not reaching out enough.

Maybe they don't care as much as you do. Maybe they care just as much, but they are poor at communication for some reason.

[fairfarmhand]

18 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Is this person an introvert? I don't want people calling to check on me if I'm dealing with something big. that's the LAST thing I want. So if they feel that way too, they might assume everyone feels that way. And that they are doing the right thing by not bothering you. 

Ding ding.

 

this is me. 
 

if you add in the few times that I’ve called and I felt like it was an imposition to someone, and I bothered them...I really don’t know what to do. knowing how to offer caring to others who are struggling feels like a minefield to me.

[mmasc]

Well, this is my mom, so not an awkward/friend type of thing. And I do know she cares about us, so maybe it is the personality thing. Or maybe a bit of anxiety about not knowing what to say or do sometimes. ?? She’s not a great comforter, so maybe it’s just the awkwardness of checking in on people?? You all have helped me see the anxiety side of things, so I appreciate that.