“If your gift is not from the registry, please bring a receipt”

[hjffkj]

16 minutes ago, annegables said:

I say this as someone who regularly uses a wafflemaker...What is with registering for (or gifting) very specific, mono-functional kitchen items??? I have never had a kitchen big enough to store so many random gadgets. We received an iced tea maker, several waffle makers, and a hot chocolate maker, very specific platters like for deviled eggs, a bajillion different types of stemware, and other things I have forgotten. For "entertaining". I must be a very boring person. I think there is a very small percentage of people who actually use these items regularly. The rest is just projecting our fantasies onto some bride or mother to be.

See but I've seen many couple register for all those different gadgets on their registry. I look at that and think, ' it'll get used once or twice but mostly just take up cabinet space. Then I go and pick the practical thing on the registry.

[DesertBlossom]

9 minutes ago, annegables said:

I say this as someone who regularly uses a wafflemaker...What is with registering for (or gifting) very specific, mono-functional kitchen items??? I have never had a kitchen big enough to store so many random gadgets. We received an iced tea maker, several waffle makers, and a hot chocolate maker, very specific platters like for deviled eggs, a bajillion different types of stemware, and other things I have forgotten. For "entertaining". I must be a very boring person. I think there is a very small percentage of people who actually use these items regularly. The rest is just projecting our fantasies onto some bride or mother to be.

We use a waffle-maker regularly too. Currently I am using my mom's ancient beast of a waffle maker that is still going strong.  😄 

I am with you on the gifting of specific kitchen appliances or items that you don't know the receiver will be able to use. After receiving so many duplicates or items we just wouldn't use for our wedding, DH declared that we would only ever give gift cards or cash as gifts. I am a very practical person and I hate to see things go to waste or go un-used, so I usually check the registry first and give cash if there isn't anything left in my price range.

[annegables]

12 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

See but I've seen many couple register for all those different gadgets on their registry. I look at that and think, ' it'll get used once or twice but mostly just take up cabinet space. Then I go and pick the practical thing on the registry.

I completely agree. And bringing this back around to baby showers/registries, I also do that with shower gifts. I look at the super uncomfortable-looking 3mo cute outfit on the registry and think, "That will get worn for a total of 5 minutes", and then I buy the diaper rash cream they registered for. I include an Amazon gift card for the mom to spend on herself for whatever will help her through the sleepless nights.

Edited February 3, 2020 by annegables

[SKL]

Well I'm relieved the OP was the recipient of the invitation and not the person writing it ... because I would have felt bad telling her off ... but yes, rude.

I took this long to open the OP because I assumed it was some store's return policy she was asking about.  I did not even imagine someone could write that in an invitation.  Wow!

I have given gifts off the registry.  Sometimes because I was poor and preferred to do the work to find a thoughtful, nice enough gift I could afford vs. buy the cheapest item on the registry.  Sometimes because I found a great gift that was not like anything on the registry.  If my gift disgusted the recipient, that is really their problem!

In the OP's case, I would be tempted to buy a book by Miss Manners and wrap it up with the gift receipt!  Maybe she would receive a whole pile of such books!

[school17777]

24 minutes ago, SKL said:

In the OP's case, I would be tempted to buy a book by Miss Manners and wrap it up with the gift receipt! 

And write in it so she can’t return it!

[hjffkj]

34 minutes ago, annegables said:

I completely agree. And bringing this back around to baby showers/registries, I also do that with shower gifts. I look at the super uncomfortable-looking 3mo cute outfit on the registry and think, "That will get worn for a total of 5 minutes", and then I buy the diaper rash cream they registered for. I include an Amazon gift card for the mom to spend on herself for whatever will help her through the sleepless nights.

 

Yeah, I always skip buying baby clothes or blankets for showers. Also bath soap and shampoo. Those all seem to be the go to gifts.

[Laura Corin]

7 hours ago, annegables said:

I say this as someone who regularly uses a wafflemaker...What is with registering for (or gifting) very specific, mono-functional kitchen items??? I have never had a kitchen big enough to store so many random gadgets. We received an iced tea maker, several waffle makers, and a hot chocolate maker, very specific platters like for deviled eggs, a bajillion different types of stemware, and other things I have forgotten. For "entertaining". I must be a very boring person. I think there is a very small percentage of people who actually use these items regularly. The rest is just projecting our fantasies onto some bride or mother to be.

Iced tea maker? Hot chocolate maker? What even are those?

[gardenmom5]

7 hours ago, DesertBlossom said:

We use a waffle-maker regularly too. Currently I am using my mom's ancient beast of a waffle maker that is still going strong.  😄 

I am with you on the gifting of specific kitchen appliances or items that you don't know the receiver will be able to use. After receiving so many duplicates or items we just wouldn't use for our wedding, DH declared that we would only ever give gift cards or cash as gifts. I am a very practical person and I hate to see things go to waste or go un-used, so I usually check the registry first and give cash if there isn't anything left in my price range.

 

they make the best waffles.  modern waffle makers just don't come close.  the changed the size ratio of elevation to indentations.  and the "non-stick" coating . . . . try oiling it. works great.

I used my mom's - until it shorted.  and my great-aunts . . . currently, we're using one given to us because it didn't sell at an estate sale where I got our piano (that I got rid of last summer.).   the waffle maker is still going strong 20+ years later.

I won't buy a modern waffle maker (though the cast iron ones to be used on a gas stove are interesting.). eta: I bought one once - and got rid of it. terrible waffles.

Edited February 3, 2020 by gardenmom5

[annegables]

6 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

Iced tea maker? Hot chocolate maker? What even are those?

Right? The hot chocolate maker was like an electric kettle with a spinner at the bottom so it heated up the milk or water while spinning the hot chocolate part. A microwave and spoon work just fine. I used it a few times before donating it. I donated the iced tea maker still in the box. I have no idea what it did. Plus, at the time, anyone who knew me knew that I only drank water. 

[hjffkj]

3 minutes ago, annegables said:

Right? The hot chocolate maker was like an electric kettle with a spinner at the bottom so it heated up the milk or water while spinning the hot chocolate part. A microwave and spoon work just fine. I used it a few times before donating it. I donated the iced tea maker still in the box. I have no idea what it did. Plus, at the time, anyone who knew me knew that I only drank water. 

So odd

[annegables]

I think with respect to the OP, that is really rude to specify registry or gift receipt. What I say next comes from the perspective of "gifts aren't my jam and I lean minimalist". I feel uncomfortable when I am given a gift that feels more like it was about the giver than me. I would truly rather get nothing. For one of my kids I received a homemade knitted blanket that looked like the knitter was colorblind when choosing the yarn. I felt guilt and obligation every time I used that blanket. Come to find out that the knitter was trying to get rid of yarn. 

[StaceyinLA]

Late to the game, as usual, but yes, I agree that it's rude.

I rarely bring a gift from the registry however. I'm THAT person. We have a particular brand of bamboo clothing that we LOVE, and most people I have given it to have felt the same. I typically give a blanket or blanket/footie combo from that particular brand. It's my standard gift.

I'll almost always include diapers if they are mentioned or on the registry.

[vonfirmath]

On 2/1/2020 at 12:39 PM, Carol in Cal. said:

Very rude.

Also rude to bring something used ‘as a gift’ unless it’s a white elephant event.  Sure, pass on used things, but don’t bring them to a shower.

Also a good idea to enclose a gift receipt, but talking about it in the invitation is really unacceptable. 

Inconsiderate and rude are two different things, just like gracious and polite are two different things, even though each pair does have considerable overlap.  We are classical educators and can be precise in our wording, LOL.

 

See. I got some used handmedowns at my baby shower and I was just grateful. It would not have occurred to me to spurn the gift because another baby had worn it first!

[vonfirmath]

On 2/1/2020 at 8:29 PM, Selkie said:

I love the idea of giving a book instead of a card. To me, cards are a waste of money, and I would much rather spend it on a book. Amazon has a good selection of baby board books that cost around $5.00, so about the same price as a card. 

Obviously, if I was giving a book (or multiple books) as the main gift, I would spend quite a bit more.

 

But not everyone BUYS a card to put with a gift. If you make homemade cards for your gifts (Or even just write To/From with a marker on the wrapping paper) being "Required" to buy a book in lieu of a card is definitely extra money.

 

So this "Request" assumes you were going to purchase a card to go with the book in the first place.

Also, some people buy cards in bulk and then "choose from the stash" for a gift giving occasion.  This would also require them to spend additional money.

 

Edited February 3, 2020 by vonfirmath

[Scarlett]

24 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

 

But not everyone BUYS a card to put with a gift. If you make homemade cards for your gifts (Or even just write To/From with a marker on the wrapping paper) being "Required" to buy a book in lieu of a card is definitely extra money.

 

So this "Request" assumes you were going to purchase a card to go with the book in the first place.

Also, some people buy cards in bulk and then "choose from the stash" for a gift giving occasion.  This would also require them to spend additional money.

 

But if the cute little poem says ‘we would like a book instead of a card’, and the giver typically doesn’t buy cards, then I don’t see the problem just skipping the book part.  No one is required to do any if it.  And the minute I start feeling required I will just decline.  I like to be cooperative and give what is needed and wanted....but there is a point where the entitlement goes too far and I am out.  

[SKL]

About handing down used items - I am all for it - but I would also bring a new item or gift card for a shower.  I would tell the mom, "I am also bringing a bag of very nice gently used clothes/toys that we loved.  If you can't use them or don't like them, don't feel obligated, they can be passed on to someone else."  I would not wrap the hand-me-downs as a gift to open.

[vonfirmath]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

But if the cute little poem says ‘we would like a book instead of a card’, and the giver typically doesn’t buy cards, then I don’t see the problem just skipping the book part.  No one is required to do any if it.  And the minute I start feeling required I will just decline.  I like to be cooperative and give what is needed and wanted....but there is a point where the entitlement goes too far and I am out.  

 

Ah. My interpretation would lead me to feel I HAD to bring a book. Not "I wouldn't have sent a card so no book needed".

 

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, annegables said:

 For one of my kids I received a homemade knitted blanket that looked like the knitter was colorblind when choosing the yarn. I felt guilt and obligation every time I used that blanket. Come to find out that the knitter was trying to get rid of yarn. 

Yeah, if you're using up extra supplies as a gift, they still need to coordinate in an aesthetically pleasing way. My scraps are sorted by color and I only make a scrap quilt from them for a gift if they still work as something very pretty.

As a quilter, I understand wanting to make a handmade gift out of love . As a person who isn't into stuff or its own sake, and as an individual with specific tastes, I get that my design decisions aren't going to resonate with everyone and they just might not want another blanket.  If I'm making someone a quilt, I almost always do a consult on color scheme, pattern,  and a person's general tastes.  I've done two wedding quilts for my daughters and no way would I just make something I guess they would like. Gifts don't need to be a surprise to be legitimate.

 We got a quilt as a wedding gift from the female  in-laws side (a solid piece of patterned fabric on top and bottom,  tied for the quilting, so it was simple, made in one day by the group, not incredibly time intensive.) It matched my husband's carpet...mauve carpet that was very fashionable in the early 90s in AZ.  It was absolutely horrid colored carpet, but it was a standard option in houses when he bought his.  MIL did the decorating at his request (he didn't know me then and didn't have a girlfriend then) so she did pink, mint green, and blue southwestern, which I detest.  It was well done according to its own style, but that style itself is not at all to my tastes. So the quilt was done to go with the decor of his house, which isn't crazy, but it never occurred to them that it wasn't to my tastes.   So it's the quilt we take for outdoor events to sit on the ground.

During my quilter's guild meetings years later we discussed realistic expectations for quilts given as gifts to mothers to be.  Some had a hard time accepting that the quilt isn't about them, and it's a better strategy to ask the mother to be about her baby decoration plans before planning your quilt.  It's worth reminding crafters that most moms will get several packages of manufactures blankies and possibly a few handmade blankets-more than she will actually need or use.  If you want yours to be used as decor, your best bet is to make it coordinate it with the color scheme.

The next best strategy after consulting is to make it something that already resonates with mom to be.  There was a woman at church who was a dog breeder and trainer, so I didn't consult on the design, I made her baby girl a puppy dog quilt in gender neutral prints so it would work with any future sons too. https://sewfreshquilts.blogspot.com/p/dog-gone-cute.html My niece married a navy man, the baby's room was patriotic theme colors, so I did anchors and flags when she was expecting.  In the cards I told them the quilts were not fragile and they were versatile. They could be used as tents, forts, capes, picnic blankets outdoors, padding for wagon rides at the zoo, and wall hangings.  Rips and stains were a sign of it being well used.

Too many quilters get it into their heads that the quilt will be treated like a piece of artwork and sacred symbol of the relationship when in reality it's one of scores of blankets that the new mom will be bombarded with.  If they want it to be art, their best bet is to do a consult, listen to the mom, work with the decor theme, a make it a wall hanging size, and include a hanging rod that works with the theme. Otherwise, it could end up in the bottom of a pile in the closet never to be seen again or passed on to someone else.

[Lady Florida.]

Yes, it's rude, entitled, and ungrateful imo.

[Lady Florida.]

I've been thinking about the "maybe she didn't know" posts. Maybe I live in a different world but with every wedding and baby shower I've attended or been a part of, the person being honored had input. Of course someone else threw the shower for them but that someone always asked about their preferences and wishes. Given what's common in my circles I would assume the person had knowledge of that notice on the invitation. 

[HS Mom in NC]

39 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

But not everyone BUYS a card to put with a gift. If you make homemade cards for your gifts (Or even just write To/From with a marker on the wrapping paper) being "Required" to buy a book in lieu of a card is definitely extra money.

I usually give books as baby gifts anyway, and don't usually do cards, so I would put a to/from tag on the books in that situation. I don't think someone has to give a homemade card at every gift giving occasion if they're into that kind of thing; it's better saved for a more appreciative audience.

Micro-managing your guests by telling them to bring a book instead of a card along with the gift is too much. Again, it's probably a case of trying to minimize superfluous stuff that will just be thrown away, but it's not a well executed plan. I can't think of a polite way of saying, "Don't bother with a card, I'm just going to chuck it and think of what a waste it was to produce, transport, and get rid of just so I know the gift was from you. " Guests buy cards because they want someone else to come up with a lovely worded sentiment that's pretty to look at and celebratory in nature that labels the gift from them and employs talented people all along the supply chain.  It's a different point of view with different priorities. 

[HS Mom in NC]

16 minutes ago, Lady Florida. said:

Of course someone else threw the shower for them but that someone always asked about their preferences and wishes. Given what's common in my circles I would assume the person had knowledge of that notice on the invitation. 

I've been to surprise showers and showers where the hostess just gets a date and guest list from the mom to be and everything else is more of a surprise to the mom.  I've also been to ones where the mom to be decided every detail and the hostess did all the grunt work and paid for it.  I've been to some that were a mix of her input and the hostess's creativity.

[Lady Florida.]

All this talk about great aunts or elderly church members giving used items makes me think of Aunt Bethany from the Christmas Vacation movie. 😂

 

On 2/1/2020 at 2:24 PM, Jean in Newcastle said:

This must be a socio-economic thing?  Absolutely no one in my circles could give a $300 item unless it were everyone chipping in together and those types of gifts are always prearranged and checked to make sure that it is ok with the person receiving the gift.  Takes away the surprise, but still much appreciated because those big ticket items are hard for the recipients to pay for on their own. 

In my circles the only ones who would do something like that are the grandparents to be, and in that case they would already know that the couple actually wants that $300 stroller or car seat or whatever. ETA: @Farrar I saw that it was your IL's who gave you a large but useless gift. That wouldn't happen among the people I know. Sorry that happened to you.

 

17 hours ago, DesertBlossom said:

 

But bringing a receipt is often helpful. 

I agree. But as a PP stated, a guest bringing a receipt is considerate. A host or honoree asking you to bring a receipt is rude.

Edited February 3, 2020 by Lady Florida.

[catz]

24 minutes ago, Lady Florida. said:

I agree. But as a PP stated, a guest bringing a receipt is considerate. A host or honoree asking you to bring a receipt is rude.

Yes this.  I personally always try to put a gift receipt in an envelope in a box whether or not I am buying from a registry. Asking for it is just rude.  And it leaves those knitting or crochet hand created items wondering if their gift will be welcome.  

Edited February 3, 2020 by FuzzyCatz

[SKL]

I thought of the possibility that the mom-to-be didn't know ... but if there was a registry, clearly she knew a lot and most likely made comments that implied she didn't want any crap that she didn't choose herself.  😛

When my kids were on their way, I didn't want a shower, but my mom and sister insisted that I have one.  Then I didn't want to do a registry because I always got bad vibes from them.  The registries I had seen asked for ridiculously expensive items and felt like entitled demands.  But I was talked into doing a registry for the benefit of people who wouldn't know what I would want/need (plus the discount when you later buy what nobody else did).  I can't imagine having any kind of attitude about receiving things off the registry (and I'd say the majority of my gifts were off registry).  If I found out that anyone said that kind of thing in the invitation, I would die of shame.

[Sherry in OH]

I agree that asking for receipts to be included is rude, but I would assume good intentions on the part of the sender.  In my experience gifts bought on a registry are easily returned for store credit with or without a receipt.  If an item not bought from a registry needs to be returned, a receipt is needed.  The person sending the invitation may have been trying to spare the honoree the awkwardness of having to contact gift-giver and asking for receipts in the event of duplicate items.  

I created a gift registry when I was expecting my oldest because relatives kept asking my mother what we needed.  I told my mother that the items on the list were categories rather than specifics.  For example, we had to select select farm animal, or Noah's ark, or blue, or ... crib sheets. We really didn't care which sheets or even if they were new sheets, we just needed something to cover the crib mattress.  We received a mix of items from the registry, homemade items, and items people thought we would want. I gladly accepted used baby items and passed most of them on when my children outgrew them. ( I kept some of the 1970s era cloth diapers because those things make excellent window cleaning cloths.)   I only returned a few items.  One I  felt bad about it since it was from a good friend.  She bought  a fancy baby spa tub that was larger than our table.  We had a small house with no place to use or store the tub.  I bathed the baby in the kitchen sink.  

When I give a purchased gift, I include a gift receipt.  I would rather the recipient return the item for something they will use than keep something just because it was a gift.  

 

[happypamama]

56 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Yeah, if you're using up extra supplies as a gift, they still need to coordinate in an aesthetically pleasing way. My scraps are sorted by color and I only make a scrap quilt from them for a gift if they still work as something very pretty.

As a quilter, I understand wanting to make a handmade gift out of love . As a person who isn't into stuff or its own sake, and as an individual with specific tastes, I get that my design decisions aren't going to resonate with everyone and they just might not want another blanket.  If I'm making someone a quilt, I almost always do a consult on color scheme, pattern,  and a person's general tastes.  I've done two wedding quilts for my daughters and no way would I just make something I guess they would like. Gifts don't need to be a surprise to be legitimate.

 We got a quilt as a wedding gift from the female  in-laws side (a solid piece of patterned fabric on top and bottom,  tied for the quilting, so it was simple, made in one day by the group, not incredibly time intensive.) It matched my husband's carpet...mauve carpet that was very fashionable in the early 90s in AZ.  It was absolutely horrid colored carpet, but it was a standard option in houses when he bought his.  MIL did the decorating at his request (he didn't know me then and didn't have a girlfriend then) so she did pink, mint green, and blue southwestern, which I detest.  It was well done according to its own style, but that style itself is not at all to my tastes. So the quilt was done to go with the decor of his house, which isn't crazy, but it never occurred to them that it wasn't to my tastes.   So it's the quilt we take for outdoor events to sit on the ground.

During my quilter's guild meetings years later we discussed realistic expectations for quilts given as gifts to mothers to be.  Some had a hard time accepting that the quilt isn't about them, and it's a better strategy to ask the mother to be about her baby decoration plans before planning your quilt.  It's worth reminding crafters that most moms will get several packages of manufactures blankies and possibly a few handmade blankets-more than she will actually need or use.  If you want yours to be used as decor, your best bet is to make it coordinate it with the color scheme.

The next best strategy after consulting is to make it something that already resonates with mom to be.  There was a woman at church who was a dog breeder and trainer, so I didn't consult on the design, I made her baby girl a puppy dog quilt in gender neutral prints so it would work with any future sons too. https://sewfreshquilts.blogspot.com/p/dog-gone-cute.html My niece married a navy man, the baby's room was patriotic theme colors, so I did anchors and flags when she was expecting.  In the cards I told them the quilts were not fragile and they were versatile. They could be used as tents, forts, capes, picnic blankets outdoors, padding for wagon rides at the zoo, and wall hangings.  Rips and stains were a sign of it being well used.

Too many quilters get it into their heads that the quilt will be treated like a piece of artwork and sacred symbol of the relationship when in reality it's one of scores of blankets that the new mom will be bombarded with.  If they want it to be art, their best bet is to do a consult, listen to the mom, work with the decor theme, a make it a wall hanging size, and include a hanging rod that works with the theme. Otherwise, it could end up in the bottom of a pile in the closet never to be seen again or passed on to someone else.

Yes to this!

 

For swaddling tiny babies, there are other blankets that work better than a quilted one, and you can't put any blanket in a bed with a baby anyway. I like a quilt-style blanket for a play mat. They stay put nicely compared to receiving blankets, and they look cute in tummy time pictures. But that also means they will be spat up on, possibly placed on the ground outside, etc. I will be really grateful for a sturdy blanket or quilt to use that way, very grateful, but it shouldn't be fragile. 

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

My hobbies when DD was born included weaving and I was a member of a guild.

My view was that handmade is better than anything, and I didn’t choose a ‘theme for the baby’s room because I wanted the decor to work with all kinds of handmade things.  I know a lot of people choose a theme, like classic Pooh or modern Pooh or whatever, but that doesn’t last very long, and I also didn’t want to have to redecorate frequently or soon.  We had white walls and didn’t buy a lot of furniture—a hand me down crib, a changing pad that I put on an old dresser, and, later, a changing table that my dad and my husband built.    So no matter what we got or bought or were gifted , it ‘went’ with the room, as long as we didn’t put it all out at once.  I’m really glad we went that way.  It made decor changes really fast and easy and we didn’t have to change much as DD grew.  I loved the baby furniture in the stores, but I also know that I could stay home longer if we didn’t buy it.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

9 minutes ago, ByeByeMartha said:

To me it’s rude. I’m very old-fashioned (and old) so gift registries were not part of my life and upbringing. I understand the practicality of them and I go along with them when there is one, but I never cared for them. In my day, you gave cash with the baby/wedding card. For a shower (wedding or baby) it was traditionally just the closest friends/relatives and they easily communicated about any gift-giving. A baby/wedding shower was meant to get the couple started...not  provide them with everything they needed.

Wedding registries have been very common for almost a century. I distinctly remember larger showers being very, very typical, in the late '70's and '80s -- I mean large enough that all the ladies in a small town church congregation would be invited. Not that intimate showers are not also common, but that's never been the only way.

I think you might have a regional or cultural difference, but these traditions have been around for a long time. Showers with registries, and wedding registries, became popular in the post-war era, because they replaced trousseaus and dowries. 

Edited February 3, 2020 by Lang Syne Boardie

[kiwik]

On 2/2/2020 at 9:58 AM, hjffkj said:

I think it is one thing to try to coordinate a themed gift for something like that and another to dictate bringing a book on top of the already wrapped gift or instead of a card.

 

Yes.  If I buy a book that is the gift and all that would be expected.  I only buy cards if it instead of a gift and so do most people in my family.  

I think the whole thing is rude.  I don't mind people asking for contributions for a big item though.  If everyone contributes $10 to $50 anonymously according to finances it can make a big difference if you need to get a new washing machine or something.  I also don't mind the bring a packet of nappies though I would object to a whole box.  I also don't mind the donate to X in lieu of flowers or a gift.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Registries on the computer were definitely not a thing when I was growing up since there weren't the computerized systems available back then for anything.  (And weren't a thing at all in the country I grew up in but then neither were showers.)  But I believe that you could register at a store in the US and they would look in a book for you.  According to Wikipedia (which I glanced at just to make sure of my facts), Target was the first with gift registry kiosks in the 90's. 

Edited February 3, 2020 by Jean in Newcastle

[Carol in Cal.]

3 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Registries on the computer were definitely not a thing when I was growing up since there weren't the computerized systems available back then for anything.  (And weren't a thing at all in the country I grew up in but then neither were showers.)  But I believe that you could register at a store in the US and they would look in a book for you.  According to Wikipedia (which I glanced at just to make sure of my facts), Target was the first with gift registry kiosks in the 90's. 

When I was a kid, they had registries for brides only, and they were handwritten.  By the time I got married in 1987 they were faxing them to other store branches on request, but still handwritten.

[Sallie Mae]

Yes, I would agree....so very rude.  My step-mother, who could have written Emily Post's Etiquette, would shudder at the thought. As soon as I receive an invitation to shower or wedding, etc. I try to buy two or three of the most economical gifts. I assume if I was included on the invitation list, that means the person who included our name wouldn't be surprised that we purchased the cheapest gifts. 😁

Regarding gently used gifts:  I will never forget the generous couple who essentially clothes my son for the first 3 years of his life. The couple had gotten married later in life and had 3 children one after another. They only had one son, so I was the lucky winner of 3 contractor trash bags full of clothes! When the mom brought them over, she seemed a little bit embarrassed, but when I opened the bags, saw what was inside, I hugged her neck and cried. The clothes were quality, high end brands that we never could have afforded. The mom was happy by the time she left. The funny thing was, my son was known for always wearing Osh Kosh overalls in every design known. I had to tell family that we hadn't blown our budget buying them, but we were gifted them. I've kept one tote of the overalls since they have lots of life in them. (The only baby clothes I kept besides a few keepsakes.) 

After years of waiting for the Lord to add to our family, when we found out the birth-mother we were matched with was expecting a girl, I knew what to do with all the boy clothes we had kept while waiting. After our daughter was born and came home, I had a great time inviting over friends to go shopping through the boy clothes. I knew how much it helped me, and I loved seeing the little guys wearing the clothes my son had.

Regarding being given home made gifts: One of my favorite wedding gifts we received was from a dear couple who my husband rented a room from. The wife knitted a huge, heavy blanket in the colors we listed on our gift registry. (Light blue, sea foam green, and white!!! 1993!) She said, "This is made to be used, so use it."  I have no idea how long it took her to make that, but we loved that blanket and we still have it.

One of my priceless gifts: Our daughter's birth-mother's mother knitted a small blanket for my daughter's first birthday. What a thoughtful and precious gift. It means so much to me and I hope it does to my daughter when she grows up.

At my homeschool co-op, when a mom has a baby, I buy them diapers or give gift card from Walmart. If they use disposable diapers, I buy a big thing of good diapers. Then I enclose the gift receipt in a little envelope labeled "GIFT RECEIPT" and tape it to the top of the diapers. They may prefer another brand or need the money more than the diapers. If the family uses cloth diapers, I give them a Walmart gift card  which can be used for whatever they need.

I'm in the camp that you should be grateful for any gift given, even if it isn't what you would want. If I receive something I can't use, I move it along to someone who can or donate it asap.

Just as an aside. My husband grew up in NZ and Australia. His mom was from NZ and his dad from AU, so my in-laws were AMAZED with the wedding and baby shower concept. But then my economical father-in-law started figuring out that if you had a been given a shower, and received a bunch of gifts, most likely you would have to buy shower gifts for other people the rest of your life. He decided he didn't like the shower concept so much after all. 🤣

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Sallie Mae said:

Yes, I would agree....so very rude.  My step-mother, who could have written Emily Post's Etiquette, would shudder at the thought. As soon as I receive an invitation to shower or wedding, etc. I try to buy two or three of the most economical gifts. I assume if I was included on the invitation list, that means the person who included our name wouldn't be surprised that we purchased the cheapest gifts. 😁

Regarding gently used gifts:  I will never forget the generous couple who essentially clothes my son for the first 3 years of his life. The couple had gotten married later in life and had 3 children one after another. They only had one son, so I was the lucky winner of 3 contractor trash bags full of clothes! When the mom brought them over, she seemed a little bit embarrassed, but when I opened the bags, saw what was inside, I hugged her neck and cried. The clothes were quality, high end brands that we never could have afforded. The mom was happy by the time she left. The funny thing was, my son was known for always wearing Osh Kosh overalls in every design known. I had to tell family that we hadn't blown our budget buying them, but we were gifted them. I've kept one tote of the overalls since they have lots of life in them. (The only baby clothes I kept besides a few keepsakes.) 

After years of waiting for the Lord to add to our family, when we found out the birth-mother we were matched with was expecting a girl, I knew what to do with all the boy clothes we had kept while waiting. After our daughter was born and came home, I had a great time inviting over friends to go shopping through the boy clothes. I knew how much it helped me, and I loved seeing the little guys wearing the clothes my son had.

Regarding being given home made gifts: One of my favorite wedding gifts we received was from a dear couple who my husband rented a room from. The wife knitted a huge, heavy blanket in the colors we listed on our gift registry. (Light blue, sea foam green, and white!!! 1993!) She said, "This is made to be used, so use it."  I have no idea how long it took her to make that, but we loved that blanket and we still have it.

One of my priceless gifts: Our daughter's birth-mother's mother knitted a small blanket for my daughter's first birthday. What a thoughtful and precious gift. It means so much to me and I hope it does to my daughter when she grows up.

At my homeschool co-op, when a mom has a baby, I buy them diapers or give gift card from Walmart. If they use disposable diapers, I buy a big thing of good diapers. Then I enclose the gift receipt in a little envelope labeled "GIFT RECEIPT" and tape it to the top of the diapers. They may prefer another brand or need the money more than the diapers. If the family uses cloth diapers, I give them a Walmart gift card  which can be used for whatever they need.

I'm in the camp that you should be grateful for any gift given, even if it isn't what you would want. If I receive something I can't use, I move it along to someone who can or donate it asap.

Just as an aside. My husband grew up in NZ and Australia. His mom was from NZ and his dad from AU, so my in-laws were AMAZED with the wedding and baby shower concept. But then my economical father-in-law started figuring out that if you had a been given a shower, and received a bunch of gifts, most likely you would have to buy shower gifts for other people the rest of your life. He decided he didn't like the shower concept so much after all. 🤣

I had multiple emotions toward your post.....loved the sweet gifts you got and gave and lol at your FIL.  

[Renai]

On 2/2/2020 at 5:16 PM, SKL said:

I have given gifts off the registry.  Sometimes because I was poor and preferred to do the work to find a thoughtful, nice enough gift I could afford vs. buy the cheapest item on the registry.  Sometimes because I found a great gift that was not like anything on the registry.  If my gift disgusted the recipient, that is really their problem!

In the OP's case, I would be tempted to buy a book by Miss Manners and wrap it up with the gift receipt!  Maybe she would receive a whole pile of such books!

Of the few showers I have been to, I have also been that person that bought something that was not on the registry. I've only gone to showers of people I've known well, and they always thanked me later for the tube of Lanolin I knew they would need but they hadn't put on the list. 😄 

 

9 hours ago, vonfirmath said:

 

See. I got some used handmedowns at my baby shower and I was just grateful. It would not have occurred to me to spurn the gift because another baby had worn it first!

The best hand-me-down was from another friend of mine. She had an older daughter and had saved a dress she had taken a picture of her in. We were pregnant at the same time - she with a boy, I with my oldest daughter - and she gave me that dress. I took a picture of my oldest in that dress, and saved the dress. I few years later, My friend was pregnant with another girl, and I was able to pass it back on to her. It was a very cute dress and she didn't realize I still had it. She was very happy to see it again!

[SamanthaCarter]

On 2/2/2020 at 6:46 PM, annegables said:

I say this as someone who regularly uses a wafflemaker...What is with registering for (or gifting) very specific, mono-functional kitchen items??? I have never had a kitchen big enough to store so many random gadgets. We received an iced tea maker, several waffle makers, and a hot chocolate maker, very specific platters like for deviled eggs, a bajillion different types of stemware, and other things I have forgotten. For "entertaining". I must be a very boring person. I think there is a very small percentage of people who actually use these items regularly. The rest is just projecting our fantasies onto some bride or mother to be.

haha! Same! I sold and regifted so much crystal and "entertaining" pieces! All because I registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and Target instead of Belk and the powers that be were not amused. In my outsider status, I didn't know Belk was a requirement.  

[TravelingChris]

On 2/2/2020 at 6:16 PM, SKL said:

Well I'm relieved the OP was the recipient of the invitation and not the person writing it ... because I would have felt bad telling her off ... but yes, rude.

I took this long to open the OP because I assumed it was some store's return policy she was asking about.  I did not even imagine someone could write that in an invitation.  Wow!

I have given gifts off the registry.  Sometimes because I was poor and preferred to do the work to find a thoughtful, nice enough gift I could afford vs. buy the cheapest item on the registry.  Sometimes because I found a great gift that was not like anything on the registry.  If my gift disgusted the recipient, that is really their problem!

In the OP's case, I would be tempted to buy a book by Miss Manners and wrap it up with the gift receipt!  Maybe she would receive a whole pile of such books!

I love it.

[Hannah]

7 hours ago, kiwik said:

I think the whole thing is rude.  I don't mind people asking for contributions for a big item though.  If everyone contributes $10 to $50 anonymously according to finances it can make a big difference if you need to get a new washing machine or something.  I also don't mind the bring a packet of nappies though I would object to a whole box.  I also don't mind the donate to X in lieu of flowers or a gift.

When we got married we didn't have a washing machine, so told the parents and parents-in-law that if anyone asked to tell them cash towards the washing machine would be welcome.   It wasn't written down anywhere though.  We did get enough to buy the machine.

[Hannah]

4 hours ago, Renai said:

The best hand-me-down was from another friend of mine. She had an older daughter and had saved a dress she had taken a picture of her in. We were pregnant at the same time - she with a boy, I with my oldest daughter - and she gave me that dress. I took a picture of my oldest in that dress, and saved the dress. I few years later, My friend was pregnant with another girl, and I was able to pass it back on to her. It was a very cute dress and she didn't realize I still had it. She was very happy to see it again!

We have a dress like this that my sisters and cousins handed between us for our girls -  it was bought for smart for the first granddaughter and then got handed down between 5 cousins!  The youngest wore it for a play dress.  Each has a picture in it at around age 2.  And this was over 3 continents!!  

[Sallie Mae]

When I asked why I had to register for fine china and crystal, my step-mother, who cares greatly about etiquette, explained because it was what the wedding gift they had bought for their friend's children. So, all their friends would expect to buy china or crystal for a wedding gift.  I was expected to register at Belk and Dillards. We received 14 place settings of china and crystal! Through the years, I've thought of how much the money used to purchase all that china and crystal could have helped us. 🙄 

I'm really glad couples today are more practical and may be more inclined towards less stuff rather than more.

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by Sallie Mae
Edited to clarify.

[J-rap]

On 2/2/2020 at 2:46 PM, Lang Syne Boardie said:

As far as sentiment, re: used items:

People have different values. Some people might value a new item for baby, brand name, from Von Maur in the shopping mall. Other people might think that the brand name, new item is gorgeous and very nice in every way...but when they look at it, they see another mother in a different country, sewing it in a sweatshop. To these people, a non-homemade, non-heirloom item that is in very good condition seems of far greater value to give, because they are lovingly extended the life of this entirely usable garment, thus clothing baby while honoring the seamstress who was not honored in any other way. 

THIS is how the world needs to change.

I am not saying to give a milk-stained onesie as a gift at a baby shower, no matter how poor. I am saying that a high quality item that has proved its lasting durability, by surviving the use of one child and still being in very good condition, should be valued.

I love this.  

My dd was living in another (fairly poor) country for several years, and we noticed that they didn't seem to have any second-hand stores around.  Over time, we learned it was because people would simply pass on their used items to relatives/friends who had less than they did.  Things would either be continually used (by the original owner) or passed on to family/friends until they literally could not be used anymore.  

When I was married, my friends gave me a shower and in the invite requested used items only.  I think everyone spent under $5.  That was a fun shower!  My aunt hosted another shower for me, but this was in the days before extensive gift registries.  There was one main department store chain known for wedding gifts in our city, and if people were interested, they knew they could stop in there and see if the bride had picked out any dishes or flatware.  In those days, you only picked out dishes and flatware, and nothing else.  Probably 1/4 of the guests took part in that.

Also, during that time (in the 80's), there was a shop in town where you could bring in all of your new wedding presents that you didn't want/need and trade them in for something else.  Everything you brought in was assigned a value, and you could "spend" that much on other items in the shop --  which were all wedding gifts that other people had received and not wanted.  I guess it was kind of like a consignment store, except everything was brand new, and you did everything all at once.  You'd walk in with one item, and walk out with another.  (That was before gift receipts!)

Baby showers were not a thing in my circle when I was having babies.  I never had one, or attended one.  

 

[annegables]

11 hours ago, Sallie Mae said:

When I asked why I had to register for fine china and crystal, my step-mother, who cares greatly about etiquette, explained because it was what the wedding gift they had bought for their children's friends. So, all their friends would expect to buy china or crystal for a wedding gift.  I was expected to register at Belk and Dillards. We received 14 place settings of china and crystal! Through the years, I've thought of how much the money used to purchase all that china and crystal could have helped us. 🙄 

I'm really glad couples today are more practical and may be more inclined towards less stuff rather than more.

I wonder how many items on registries are because of "tradition" or what the woman's mother thinks is appropriate. I deeply hurt my mom's feelings because I politely refused to register for fancy china and crystal for my wedding. She was so concerned about what her friends would think of me and her. It was like I had offended the wedding crap diety. I never had a baby registry in part because I was concerned about more strong input and hurt feelings over stuff. I dont want loads of baby junk. I dont care what my cousin registered for or what women registered for in the late 60s. I dont need a jello mould. I dont need all the baby junk. 

[SamanthaCarter]

Question: have you ever been to anyone's house where they broke out the crystal glasses and serving dishes? I think I have, once. 

ETA: actual CRYSTAL, not the china - I have antique china that I use regularly. Family dinners and when the everyday dishes are all dirty.

Edited February 4, 2020 by SamanthaCarter

[HS Mom in NC]

5 minutes ago, SamanthaCarter said:

Question: have you ever been to anyone's house where they broke out the crystal glasses and serving dishes? I think I have, once. 

I used them when I hosted holiday family events (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, graduations, anniversary dinners, etc.)  too about 50% of the time.  But that's unusual, and at least half the time it's pretty paper plates and potluck.  I have attended a handful of friends' events that included fancy dishes in my 46 years of life.  It's been about 18 months since the last time I used mine. I have service for 2 dozen.  They aren't expensive dishes, they're white with silver rims from Bed Bath and Beyond and the crystal is from Ross at about $2 per glass because in real life things get broken and I don't want anyone upset when it happens.  I put them in the dishwasher on the gentle cycle and the silver rims are fading in a few places, but there's no way I'm going to do them by hand. Now that I don't live near extended family I'm considering reducing to service for 12.  There are 7 of us here on this side of the country.

[Sallie Mae]

Yes. The same dear lady who knitted a blanket for us, loves china. She was born in the wrong time. At least two times a year she would have her family over for a fancy dinner. Think tablecloths, cloth napkins, china, crystal, candles....The whole shebang. The first time I saw Downton Abbey, I thought, "Oh, look! Dinner just like Dear Friend does it!" 😂

But she is the most loving, down to earth lady you could ever want to meet and she gave sacrificially to missions and others in need. She just loved the whole fancy process. She would radiate happiness during those dinners, so it really was a happy thing to do. She is in her 80's now and not able to do such things anymore, but while she could, she did it in a big way.

Personally, we only use china at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but in a low key way. Since my husband didn't grow up with all the big American emphasis we on holidays since he grew up in NZ and US, he is happy for us to be low key. I do the same simple meal for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Roast chicken, fresh green beans, rice and rolls. I'm the only one who likes cranberry sauce, so it is whole cranberry sauce from the can for me. We do buy expensive ice cream to go with our store bought pie. Woo Hoo! We use the china dinner plate, and roll plate and the crystal glasses for our sparkling cider. That's it. The other place settings have never been used.

[regentrude]

Isn't crystal an anachronism nowadays that we know it is wiser to avoid lead?

[J-rap]

1 hour ago, SamanthaCarter said:

Question: have you ever been to anyone's house where they broke out the crystal glasses and serving dishes? I think I have, once. 

ETA: actual CRYSTAL, not the china - I have antique china that I use regularly. Family dinners and when the everyday dishes are all dirty.

Oh, my mother did for every holiday and special family event!  But it wasn't that important to her.  She just figured as long as she had it, she might as well use it.  She was born in the 20's, and I think back then, everyone got crystal for wedding gifts.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

20 hours ago, regentrude said:

Isn't crystal an anachronism nowadays that we know it is wiser to avoid lead?

There is lead crystal and lead-free crystal.  Obviously it is better to have lead-free crystal. 

[Shoeless]

23 hours ago, SamanthaCarter said:

Question: have you ever been to anyone's house where they broke out the crystal glasses and serving dishes? I think I have, once. 

ETA: actual CRYSTAL, not the china - I have antique china that I use regularly. Family dinners and when the everyday dishes are all dirty.

 

My mother used "the good stuff" for every holiday dinner.  I use it on holidays, too, which bothers my inlaws for some reason. Whenever they've come over, I get "Miss Lemon, are you suuuuuuuure you don't want to use paper plates instead? Are you suuuuuuuure you want to use those crystal iced tea glasses?  Are you suuuuuuuure you want to use this silverware?" 

Yes, I'm sure.  That's why I put it on the table. 🙄

Tried to switch it up and used paper plates when they came by this last Christmas, since "the good stuff" gives them anxiety.  They still didn't like it.  🤷‍♂️ 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I use my good china and stemware for special occasions.  It makes me happy.   I saw a sign in a store "Life is short.  Use the fine china."  That's my philosophy.