“If your gift is not from the registry, please bring a receipt”

2 hours ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Yes, it’s rude.  However, I doubt the person the shower is for had anything to do with it.   My cousins and aunts threw my baby shower. One particular cousin, who has many mental lapses, sent out the invitations.   They included the line, “please bring a children’s book along with your wrapped gift.”  Seriously.   I was absolutely positively mortified.  19 years later and I am still embarrassed.  I let people know (and told my mother to pass it around) that that was NOT my doing.  But...my name was still on it.  So Humiliating!

My daughter did go to a “meet the baby” shower for the swim coach that one of the team moms held at her house.  The kids (boys and girls) were asked to bring a copy of their favorite children’s book.  Even though we were sort of told what to bring, it was nice that it was personal, low cost suggestion.

[hjffkj]

6 minutes ago, Mom2mthj said:

My daughter did go to a “meet the baby” shower for the swim coach that one of the team moms held at her house.  The kids (boys and girls) were asked to bring a copy of their favorite children’s book.  Even though we were sort of told what to bring, it was nice that it was personal, low cost suggestion.

I think it is one thing to try to coordinate a themed gift for something like that and another to dictate bringing a book on top of the already wrapped gift or instead of a card.

 

[Emba]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 Now see this doesn’t bother me in the slightest.  I have been to several showers lately where the invitation includes a cute little poem that basically says instead of a card bring a signed children’s book.  I think it is a brilliant tradition since cards are so expensive and you can pick a book up for a couple of dollars.  

I will admit to doing that when we had a baby shower for DS several years back. I don’t remember if it was my idea or the hostesses’. Not that everyone was REQUIRED to bring a book, just that it was suggested. And we got a lot of really cute books, and some people  used it as an opportunity to share books that they had enjoyed reading with their kids, which was really sweet.

[Excelsior! Academy]

2 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

yes.  a gift is *a gift*.   registries were originally created as "suggestions" - they are NOT "mandatory".  anyone who thinks they are, doesn't need to receive a gift from me.  the attitude of entitlement is getting out of line.

 

Yep.

4 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

It does seem rude, but I am always careful to get gifts off the registry. I feel it is a little rude for me to go rogue with gift giving in these situations. If I don't want to pick a gift off the registry I'll buy a gift card from their choice of stores.

Kelly

 

I respectfully disagree.  I've been taught registries are borderline rude.  While I know they are pretty much commonplace, showing up to a shower and being told what gifts to bring bothers me a bit.  

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Not only that, but showers themselves were created so that (mostly) women could support other women while they set up house for the first time or started a family.  It was about the support being given to that new family, not the price of admission to a party (most of which are not really to my taste anyway).  And yes, that support was in the form of practical goods but it wasn't about having the right brand.  If someone can afford to be so picky to only want Instagrammable clothing or XYZ brand, then they should save up for those items themselves. 

 

Yes!!

2 hours ago, DoraBora said:

What if I can't afford anything on the registry?  The cheaper things often go first.

 

Yes!

I found a large, 6 or 8 quart, Pioneer Woman crockpot for $15.  You better believe I scooped it up and plan to give it to a friend of our daughters at her wedding shower next month.  It is worth double to triple that amount.  It is also a style I know the bride to be would appreciate. She frequently attends potlucks, so the size will be appreciated as well.  Of course I don't want to gift something someone would hate, but isn't it a little rude to dictate what people gift you?  

 

[SquirrellyMama]

4 minutes ago, Excelsior! Academy said:

 

I respectfully disagree.  I've been taught registries are borderline rude.  While I know they are pretty much commonplace, showing up to a shower and being told what gifts to bring bothers me a bit. 

 

No problem, we can disagree. I love being told what to bring, can't go wrong. I don't like shopping so ordering online from a registry is my thing. If there is no registry they get eithet a Target gift card or an Amazon gift card.

I do remember getting a heavy duty soup pot as a wedding gift. I had no idea why I needed one and hadn't registered for it. That might be the only wedding gift we still have and use 21 years later 🙂

Kelly

[Farrar]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

This must be a socio-economic thing?  Absolutely no one in my circles could give a $300 item unless it were everyone chipping in together and those types of gifts are always prearranged and checked to make sure that it is ok with the person receiving the gift.  Takes away the surprise, but still much appreciated because those big ticket items are hard for the recipients to pay for on their own. 

From family I received two different baby gifts of over $100 that were definitely things we did not want, ask for, or get the ability to swap. 

But I've seen it a couple of times at other things. Once at a wedding where later my friend was like, why, why did uncle buy us this really nice small appliance we don't need at all. She had to give it away to friends, which is how I heard about it.

[Mbelle]

Requesting a gift receipt is rude, tacky, and honestly shows a shocking lack of social and relational abilities.

I view registries as helpful.  They really help people who don't know what to get and it helps cut down on gift duplicates.   On the other hand there is absolutly no obligation to buy from the registry.  Gifts are given free will and should be accepted with grace.  When I hear of someone getting married or having a baby I go straight to the registry to find something.  

[catz]

Um yes, this is rude.  I'm not saying it's not rude to give someone a gift they don't want or would never use.  But because someone MIGHT do that doesn't justify being a superficial jerk in the first place.  I do a lot of hand knit or crocheted items and where does that leave someone already working on heirloom quality stuff?  We did get stuff I couldn't use, and I would donate it brand new in the package.  I had a couple in laws who weren't very in touch with us but felt the need to gift.  Whatever.  I wasn't going to be a jerk about it.  I'm sure someone appreciated those things.  

You CAN include registry info in a shower invite without being rude.  That should be enough.  Showers aren't a birth right.  Neither of my kids had one but somehow I ended up with 40+ gifts for each kid.  We did register for baby #1 on inlaws insistence which was a good thing actually.

I decline shower invites regularly and I wouldn't likely attend unless this was someone very close to the family.   Showers have become way over the top lately IMO.  They should be for nearest and dearest.  And like I said above, lack of a shower doesn't stop anyone who really cares from gifting your family with a new arrival.  

[HS Mom in NC]

3 hours ago, Farrar said:

 Everyone needs diapers.

We cloth diapered exclusively.  I compared all the options and decided which style/brand would actually work for me, so I didn't want anyone to bring us any diapers. We didn't do a typical baby shower because a) I loathe and despise showery,  game oriented, hyper-feminized get togethers b) I didn't want a bunch of useless baby stuff. Most of the standard gifts were useless to me. No bottles, no formula, no pacifiers, no disposable diapers and wipes, no baby bucket, no bouncy seat, etc. I wanted a specific type of stroller (umbrella) because I mostly wear my kids in a sling and I don't like those large strollers that take up so much space for a small child. 

So we had a baby dedication and had cake and punch shower for everyone, not just female friends and family,  after. Oldest was about 5 weeks old.  Everyone knew we obviously had the essentials, so they brought outfits and books and bath toys, etc.  I would've skipped the gifts entirely, but it wouldn't have gone over well with the relatives.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Yes, it’s rude.  However, I doubt the person the shower is for had anything to do with it.   My cousins and aunts threw my baby shower. One particular cousin, who has many mental lapses, sent out the invitations.   They included the line, “please bring a children’s book along with your wrapped gift.”  Seriously.   I was absolutely positively mortified.  19 years later and I am still embarrassed.  I let people know (and told my mother to pass it around) that that was NOT my doing.  But...my name was still on it.  So Humiliating!

Bingo!

I was going to mention the book thing, because that was requested in lue of a greeting card at a shower I attended. I wasn’t *extremely bothered* by this request and I’m always happy to give a book to anew mom, BUT it did cross my mind when I bought the book that, “geez, it’s kind of a lot to ask because my ‘contribution’ to this family just increased by about $12.” 
But it is important to note that the party planner(s) are most likely the ones who chose to make the demand.

I still remember I got blamed for not inviting an older relative to my bachelorette party when *I* had nothing to do with inviting or not inviting people to my bachelorette  party! It’s one of those conflicts I wish I could get a do-over on because I cried! 

[BarbecueMom]

50 minutes ago, Quill said:

I still remember I got blamed for not inviting an older relative to my bachelorette party when *I* had nothing to do with inviting or not inviting people to my bachelorette  party! It’s one of those conflicts I wish I could get a do-over on because I cried! 

This is why I hate showers.  No one remembers the rude host (and often may not even know who it is), so the blame for any faux pas gets passed to the "guest of honor".

I adamantly did NOT want a baby shower when I was pregnant with my oldest.  DH and I have been together since early high school, so it was too weird to me to go from "no blankets and adult supervision rules" to "invite grandparents to celebrate the aftermath of the no-pants dance".  We were married and in our 20s, but still... no.  Anyway, when a high school friend found out I was not having a shower, I think she partially assumed I didn't have enough friends to host a shower (not true, turned down several offers) and also thought it would be a nice occasion to set up a sort of high school reunion (whyyyyyy??).  She ended up calling every female classmate she could find working contact information for and tried to get them to come to my "baby shower".  500+ in my graduating class, so many of these people I barely knew!  Fortunately, someone tipped me off.  I ended up going out to lunch with her and just a couple other friends (who did bring gifts, and I sent them thank-you notes), but I'm still mortified that so many people think I was so desperate for shower attendees that I had a mutual friend spam everyone in the yearbook.  As if I didn't have enough of my own cringe-worthy moments in life, now I have to shoulder someone else's.  Geez.

Edited February 1, 2020 by BarbecueMom

[hippiemamato3]

My baby shower was a complete surprise. The girl who hosted it did everything in secret, including making a registry. She asked everyone to bring diapers in addition to a gift. I was pretty mortified...but had zero idea until after that any of it was happening. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, emba56 said:

I will admit to doing that when we had a baby shower for DS several years back. I don’t remember if it was my idea or the hostesses’. Not that everyone was REQUIRED to bring a book, just that it was suggested. And we got a lot of really cute books, and some people  used it as an opportunity to share books that they had enjoyed reading with their kids, which was really sweet.

Since I often give books as gifts I love the idea.  I agree nothing should be required.  I have never felt required to do anything as far as gift giving.  Then again I never got an invitation like in the OP.  Lol.  That is just crazy.  I have gone to wedding and baby showers when I was broke and bought what I could afford.  

[QueenCat]

Rude. Registries are supposed to be suggestions that people can use if they want to. People can also get anything else for the recipient (baby, bride, etc) and the recipient should be grateful.

[Kassia]

Very rude!  It seems like people feel so entitled to gifts these days.

My only baby shower was also a surprise.  No registry.  I received about a million blankets.  I opened gifts at the shower and it was so awkward opening gifts when they ended up being blanket after blanket after blanket!  My mother announced, "well, at least the baby will be warm!" 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

OK, correction about hand me downs.

If they are vintage and unique or family heirloom kinds of things, sure, they can be gifts without being rude.

If they are gently used hand me downs, they are welcome but they are not shower gifts.  They are in a different category, which is favors.  They are doing someone a good turn as a favor.  That is a nice thing to do, but it's not a shower gift, UNLESS it is a hand me down shower, explicitly understood/stated in advance, which I have never seen but can imagine, like in a white elephant gift exchange.

Yes, this sometimes means that you don't bring anything to the shower.  Or that you're giving the baby or the bride something nicer than what you are using every day.  But it also means that you're honoring the occasion, the life, the life event, in a special way.  And that is a Great Good Thing.

 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Bingo!

I was going to mention the book thing, because that was requested in lue of a greeting card at a shower I attended. I wasn’t *extremely bothered* by this request and I’m always happy to give a book to anew mom, BUT it did cross my mind when I bought the book that, “geez, it’s kind of a lot to ask because my ‘contribution’ to this family just increased by about $12.” 
But it is important to note that the party planner(s) are most likely the ones who chose to make the demand.

I still remember I got blamed for not inviting an older relative to my bachelorette party when *I* had nothing to do with inviting or not inviting people to my bachelorette  party! It’s one of those conflicts I wish I could get a do-over on because I cried! 

To the bolded, did you really feel you had to?  And I have never spent $12 on a book in place of a card.  

[BlsdMama]

Couldn’t they just stamp, “Send cash” on the invite instead?

 

smh

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

To the bolded, did you really feel you had to?  And I have never spent $12 on a book in place of a card.  

Well, as I said, I wasn’t super-indignant about it; it’s not something that I thought was just beyond the pale. If I had thought it was absurd, I just wouldn’t have cooperated. But I did certainly feel it was expected. I did feel like I would look like a tool if I didn’t. 
But yes, a board book for a baby is not going to cost a few dollars. I can probably find it on Amazon and post it here, lol. 
ETA: it was not exactly this book but a very similar concept. https://www.amazon.com/Tabbed-Board-Books-First-Colors/dp/0756671418/ref=mp_s_a_1_7?keywords=baby+board+books+colors&qid=1580608952&sr=8-7

Edited February 2, 2020 by Quill

[math teacher]

I recently gifted my great niece and nephew a book each for Christmas. They were close to $20 each.

[Renai]

2 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

OK, correction about hand me downs.

If they are vintage and unique or family heirloom kinds of things, sure, they can be gifts without being rude.

If they are gently used hand me downs, they are welcome but they are not shower gifts.  They are in a different category, which is favors.  They are doing someone a good turn as a favor.  That is a nice thing to do, but it's not a shower gift, UNLESS it is a hand me down shower, explicitly understood/stated in advance, which I have never seen but can imagine, like in a white elephant gift exchange.

Yes, this sometimes means that you don't bring anything to the shower.  Or that you're giving the baby or the bride something nicer than what you are using every day.  But it also means that you're honoring the occasion, the life, the life event, in a special way.  And that is a Great Good Thing.

 

 Maybe the rules are different between the haves and have nots. I didn't even know there were rules. I thought throwing showers and giving gifts, regardless of where they came from or how much they cost, were a sign of people caring enough about you to want to help fill your coffers of things you need. 

It would never occur to me to think that I'd have to categorize a gift between "shower" or "hand me down shower" or anything else because a gift is about the heart and the intention of the giver. Saying we need to categorize GIFTS, things we are getting for free, because they are not "new" is just as bad and rude and entitled as telling people to bring a receipt if a gift isn't from a registry.

[Selkie]

4 hours ago, Quill said:

Bingo!

I was going to mention the book thing, because that was requested in lue of a greeting card at a shower I attended. I wasn’t *extremely bothered* by this request and I’m always happy to give a book to anew mom, BUT it did cross my mind when I bought the book that, “geez, it’s kind of a lot to ask because my ‘contribution’ to this family just increased by about $12.” 
But it is important to note that the party planner(s) are most likely the ones who chose to make the demand.

I still remember I got blamed for not inviting an older relative to my bachelorette party when *I* had nothing to do with inviting or not inviting people to my bachelorette  party! It’s one of those conflicts I wish I could get a do-over on because I cried! 

I love the idea of giving a book instead of a card. To me, cards are a waste of money, and I would much rather spend it on a book. Amazon has a good selection of baby board books that cost around $5.00, so about the same price as a card. 

Obviously, if I was giving a book (or multiple books) as the main gift, I would spend quite a bit more.

[Carol in Cal.]

34 minutes ago, Renai said:

 Maybe the rules are different between the haves and have nots. I didn't even know there were rules. I thought throwing showers and giving gifts, regardless of where they came from or how much they cost, were a sign of people caring enough about you to want to help fill your coffers of things you need. 

It would never occur to me to think that I'd have to categorize a gift between "shower" or "hand me down shower" or anything else because a gift is about the heart and the intention of the giver. Saying we need to categorize GIFTS, things we are getting for free, because they are not "new" is just as bad and rude and entitled as telling people to bring a receipt if a gift isn't from a registry.

No, it's just etiquette.  If something isn't selected new or made new with that person in mind, it's still a gift but it is not appropriate for a shower or wedding or birthday or Christmas present.  There are lots of creative ways to cut costs and still be courteous.  And hand me downs are always very welcome in my house for sure.  But that is a separate thing.  

[Renai]

7 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

No, it's just etiquette.  If something isn't selected new or made new with that person in mind, it's still a gift but it is not appropriate for a shower or wedding or birthday or Christmas present.  There are lots of creative ways to cut costs and still be courteous.  And hand me downs are always very welcome in my house for sure.  But that is a separate thing.  

Yeah, this is definitely a socioeconomic or elitist thing, because I've never heard of it, and I'm certainly not elite - either financially or in my thinking.

[Carol in Cal.]

4 minutes ago, Renai said:

Yeah, this is definitely a socioeconomic or elitist thing, because I've never heard of it, and I'm certainly not elite - either financially or in my thinking.

Having good manners is not elitist.  

[Carol in Cal.]

4 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Gifting a hand me down has nothing to do with manners.  

There is nothing rude about gifting a hand me down--in fact, it's very nice; but it's generally not an appropriate shower gift.

[MercyA]

10 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

A great aunt who lived in an ancient apartment, on a limited income, widowed for years, gave me a shower gift of a set of China teacups. It was obvious they had come right from her own cabinet. Thirty years later I still consider them one of the most thoughtful treasures I’ve ever been given. 

I agree that new is more proper, but it’s not always possible. Some durable goods are excellent and thoughtful heirlooms when passed down as gifts.  

YES. There were two elderly ladies at my former church who gave treasures from their own homes for showers. I received a white, iridescent / rainbow-y glazed antique vase. (I'm sure there's a name for that?) So cool!

Re: book showers. I love the idea, but please don't ask for a book AND another gift. That would have been a hardship for me at some points of my life and still would be for some of my friends. 

[Ellie]

Of the rude things I have seen in my life, this is at the top of my list. I can't even.

[Ellie]

2 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

No, it's just etiquette.  If something isn't selected new or made new with that person in mind, it's still a gift but it is not appropriate for a shower or wedding or birthday or Christmas present.  There are lots of creative ways to cut costs and still be courteous.  And hand me downs are always very welcome in my house for sure.  But that is a separate thing.  

Oh, I disagree. Any gift is appropriate, because it's a gift.

[Carol in Cal.]

36 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

 

A great aunt who lived in an ancient apartment, on a limited income, widowed for years, gave me a shower gift of a set of China teacups. It was obvious they had come right from her own cabinet. Thirty years later I still consider them one of the most thoughtful treasures I’ve ever been given. 

I agree that new is more proper, but it’s not always possible. Some durable goods are excellent and thoughtful heirlooms when passed down as gifts.  

I entirely agree, hence the comments earlier saying that heirloom kinds of things are the exception.  It’s so lovely to have something that is special and passed down.

[Jean in Newcastle]

A hand-ne-down can be in excellent condition.   I see nothing wrong with giving something perfectly useable no matter the occasion. Not everyone has the luxury of being able to shop new for things. 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, MercyA said:

YES. There were two elderly ladies at my former church who gave treasures from their own homes for showers. I received a white, iridescent / rainbow-y glazed antique vase. (I'm sure there's a name for that?) So cool!

Re: book showers. I love the idea, but please don't ask for a book AND another gift. That would have been a hardship for me at some points of my life and still would be for some of my friends. 

aurora borealis.

white glass is called milk glass.

[katilac]

49 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I entirely agree, hence the comments earlier saying that heirloom kinds of things are the exception.  It’s so lovely to have something that is special and passed down.

This just makes it sound like it's okay for affluent people to give used gifts at a shower, but not lower income people, lol. 

[Carol in Cal.]

4 minutes ago, katilac said:

This just makes it sound like it's okay for affluent people to give used gifts at a shower, but not lower income people, lol. 

No, it’s the sentiment involved, not the value.  

[katilac]

Just now, Carol in Cal. said:

No, it’s the sentiment involved, not the value.  

But the aunt in the teacup post didn't mention they were hers or that she was passing them down, so where is the sentiment? And it is about the value to an unavoidable extent, because some people on a limited income have lovely and durable things from their past, while many others on a fixed income don't. I personally think that taking the time and effort to hunt down desirable used items is even more thoughtful than passing down something you just happen to have. 

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Selkie said:

I love the idea of giving a book instead of a card. To me, cards are a waste of money, and I would much rather spend it on a book. Amazon has a good selection of baby board books that cost around $5.00, so about the same price as a card. 

Obviously, if I was giving a book (or multiple books) as the main gift, I would spend quite a bit more.

I don’t give cards, though. I just put a to/from tag on it. 

[May]

14 hours ago, Seasider too said:

 

I don’t give books lightly. When I give someone a book as a gift, if it’s a children’s book, it’s a nice quality, large format, often hardcover book. Those run closer to $20 (the ones I prefer to give, anyway). 

So for the only shower that I actually ended up attending that came with this request, I treated it like a book shower and brought a couple of really nice books as the gift, nothing from the registry. 

This exactly🌺When I buy books as gifts, for baby showers, baptisms or a child’s birthday, they are always hardback and usually a classic. I did receive a shower invite that had send a book, instead of a card. I dutifully did what was asked and also sent a very nice gift. It was an out of town shower for my DH’s niece in law. Never heard a word if the gift was ever received 🧐

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, Quill said:

I don’t give cards, though. I just put a to/from tag on it. 

I buy a box of 50 blank cards, and write my own message.

[sweet2ndchance]

20 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

We cloth diapered exclusively.  I compared all the options and decided which style/brand would actually work for me, so I didn't want anyone to bring us any diapers. We didn't do a typical baby shower because a) I loathe and despise showery,  game oriented, hyper-feminized get togethers b) I didn't want a bunch of useless baby stuff. Most of the standard gifts were useless to me. No bottles, no formula, no pacifiers, no disposable diapers and wipes, no baby bucket, no bouncy seat, etc. I wanted a specific type of stroller (umbrella) because I mostly wear my kids in a sling and I don't like those large strollers that take up so much space for a small child. 

Same here, the one time someone offered to throw a baby shower for one of my kids, I already had or purchased what I needed/wanted. We were cloth diapering so didn't need or want disposables and I had already picked out and purchased the cloth diapers I wanted new for this baby. I told her I was honored that she wanted to throw a shower but we didn't really need anything so make sure to tell everyone that no gifts are necessary, just a cookout or something in celebration of the baby would be lovely. After that she never mentioned it again and we didn't have the celebration. Just as well since big get-togethers overwhelm me.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

As far as sentiment, re: used items:

People have different values. Some people might value a new item for baby, brand name, from Von Maur in the shopping mall. Other people might think that the brand name, new item is gorgeous and very nice in every way...but when they look at it, they see another mother in a different country, sewing it in a sweatshop. To these people, a non-homemade, non-heirloom item that is in very good condition seems of far greater value to give, because they are lovingly extended the life of this entirely usable garment, thus clothing baby while honoring the seamstress who was not honored in any other way. 

THIS is how the world needs to change.

I am not saying to give a milk-stained onesie as a gift at a baby shower, no matter how poor. I am saying that a high quality item that has proved its lasting durability, by surviving the use of one child and still being in very good condition, should be valued.

[sweet2ndchance]

15 hours ago, Renai said:

Yeah, this is definitely a socioeconomic or elitist thing, because I've never heard of it, and I'm certainly not elite - either financially or in my thinking.

I agree, it has never occurred to me to be anything less than grateful that the person is giving me a gift. It doesn't matter whether I like it or not or if I wanted it or not. You are gracious and grateful to the gift giver to take the time to think about you and give you something regardless of how much they spent or where it was purchased. To me, that is etiquette and good manners. If I can't use it or won't use it, I quietly pass it on to someone who will get some use out of it. I am in no way entitled to the value of the gift if I don't like it or don't want it, which is I think what bothers me about the "bring a receipt" request on the invite. It almost seems like the person who worded the invite, whoever they were, felt the guest of honor is entitled to the value of the gift even if they do not like the gift that the giver chose for them.

Also it was mentioned somewhere above about the gift needing to be high quality even if it is higher quality than what I would use everyday. If I cannot afford something of high quality for my own use, chances are I can't afford to buy it for someone else either. The high quality and expensive things I do have I either found used or thrifted, got some kind of once in a lifetime amazing deal, or I scrimped and saved for months to get something I would use that will last long enough to be passed down to my kids. If I found a high quality item for an amount I could afford, I would absolutely get it as a gift if I thought the person I had in mind would appreciate it. But for the most part, when it is something I have to carefully budget for to give a gift to begin with, I cannot afford to give someone a gift of something more expensive than I can even get for myself.

 

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

I agree, it has never occurred to me to be anything less than grateful that the person is giving me a gift. It doesn't matter whether I like it or not or if I wanted it or not. You are gracious and grateful to the gift giver to take the time to think about you and give you something regardless of how much they spent or where it was purchased. To me, that is etiquette and good manners. If I can't use it or won't use it, I quietly pass it on to someone who will get some use out of it. I am in no way entitled to the value of the gift if I don't like it or don't want it, which is I think what bothers me about the "bring a receipt" request on the invite. It almost seems like the person who worded the invite, whoever they were, felt the guest of honor is entitled to the value of the gift even if they do not like the gift that the giver chose for them.

Also it was mentioned somewhere above about the gift needing to be high quality even if it is higher quality than what I would use everyday. If I cannot afford something of high quality for my own use, chances are I can't afford to buy it for someone else either. The high quality and expensive things I do have I either found used or thrifted, got some kind of once in a lifetime amazing deal, or I scrimped and saved for months to get something I would use that will last long enough to be passed down to my kids. If I found a high quality item for an amount I could afford, I would absolutely get it as a gift if I thought the person I had in mind would appreciate it. But for the most part, when it is something I have to carefully budget for to give a gift to begin with, I cannot afford to give someone a gift of something more expensive than I can even get for myself.

 

Yes!  This.  That sums it up.

 

[Kassia]

58 minutes ago, Lang Syne Boardie said:

 

I am not saying to give a milk-stained onesie as a gift at a baby shower, no matter how poor. 

 

Off-topic, but this is basically what my in-laws brought to the hospital when my daughter (my 4th child) was born.  They brought an old baby outfit of my SIL's - nothing special about it, just old and stained - and put it in a GAP bag and presented it to DH and me.  We were stunned.  It's not like they didn't know the baby was coming and had to scramble for a gift (they've brought us used items from their house for other holidays that they forgot about).  We still laugh about it and she's 17 now.  

[HS Mom in NC]

I think it's theoretically possible the writer of the invite in being discussed simply had the intention of making sure the mother to be was getting something she could use, but just didn't know how to word it or didn't know that a baby shower just isn't necessary for some moms to be.  She wants the mother to be included in a coming baby ritual, and doesn't want any gift givers to have their gifts passed on to someone else. 

Not everyone is happy knowing that the mother to be passed it on to someone who would be more inclined to use it. There are people who are very upset when their gifts are passed on unused by the intended recipient. Most people assume the items they donate are going to be sellable, but many are not, and it's possible the shower hostess is aware of this and trying to avoid it. She may also be aware that some people cannot accept the idea of  a baby celebration party that specifically says, "The mother to be has everything she needs, no gifts please." Some of us were here for the thread about party invitations that specified no gifts.  It was remarkable how many people were not able to accept that it meant exactly what it said and that it was perfectly polite to say so. Many recommended ignoring it and giving the gift before or after the party.  For those of you who weren't here for that, I'm not exaggerating or making it up.

I suspect with the growth of minimalism as a response to the burden many people find consumerism and excessive material goods and as a response to growing awareness of environmental issues, these kinds of things are going to be more common. It's important to stay current as societal values shift for significant numbers of people. People marry older and don't need household goods, so they ask for cash/gift cards so their guests aren't throwing money away and contributing to landfills.  Some people are in very comfortable economic situations and ask for no gifts or to donate to a charity in lieu of a gift.  Some people ask for unwrapped gifts because of the environmental impact of wrapping paper production and wrapping paper as waste. Many people would much prefer used items as gifts over new. Many donation places don't accept some items due to overload.  Most donated items don't make it to the floors of resale shops, they go to landfills.  This is all increasing, so it's time to process it and adapt accordingly.

[Reefgazer]

Extraordinarily rude, even for a shower.  What if the giver intends to give a home-made gift?  In fact, I find this so rude, I likely would find an excuse not to go to the shower.

[SamanthaCarter]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I think it's theoretically possible the writer of the invite in being discussed simply had the intention of making sure the mother to be was getting something she could use, but just didn't know how to word it or didn't know that a baby shower just isn't necessary for some moms to be.  She wants the mother to be included in a coming baby ritual, and doesn't want any gift givers to have their gifts passed on to someone else. 

Not everyone is happy knowing that the mother to be passed it on to someone who would be more inclined to use it. There are people who are very upset when their gifts are passed on unused by the intended recipient. Most people assume the items they donate are going to be sellable, but many are not, and it's possible the shower hostess is aware of this and trying to avoid it. She may also be aware that some people cannot accept the idea of  a baby celebration party that specifically says, "The mother to be has everything she needs, no gifts please." Some of us were here for the thread about party invitations that specified no gifts.  It was remarkable how many people were not able to accept that it meant exactly what it said and that it was perfectly polite to say so. Many recommended ignoring it and giving the gift before or after the party.  For those of you who weren't here for that, I'm not exaggerating or making it up.

I suspect with the growth of minimalism as a response to the burden many people find consumerism and excessive material goods and as a response to growing awareness of environmental issues, these kinds of things are going to be more common. It's important to stay current as societal values shift for significant numbers of people. People marry older and don't need household goods, so they ask for cash/gift cards so their guests aren't throwing money away and contributing to landfills.  Some people are in very comfortable economic situations and ask for no gifts or to donate to a charity in lieu of a gift.  Some people ask for unwrapped gifts because of the environmental impact of wrapping paper production and wrapping paper as waste. Many people would much prefer used items as gifts over new. Many donation places don't accept some items due to overload.  Most donated items don't make it to the floors of resale shops, they go to landfills.  This is all increasing, so it's time to process it and adapt accordingly.

This is why I don’t go to baby or bridal showers unless I know the person well. I don’t like the parties, can’t afford to attend them all, and most people don’t even need all that stuff. (I say that in reference to people being married after establishing an adult life, or being given large amounts of baby things from family and close friends ). I’ve been to too many showers that felt like gift grabs (on hostess or recipient’s part) or shows of affluence (on the part of givers). Also, for our showers, we were given so many things we never used. I’m over it. 

ETA: yes to the rude invite. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by SamanthaCarter

[Jaybee]

I think it was rude. I have some mixed feelings reading some of the other responses though. I never intended to be entitled-acting; however...when we got married, apparently one of the store owners in dh's little town must have decided we would like a certain pattern of decorative items. We received 3-4 things in that pattern. It was not at all in our tastes. They were items that were not useful (except maybe a pitcher--long time ago, so I don't remember), and were all or mostly just for display. I'm sure that there are those who would have really liked them. But dh and I are of a very practical mind. Not knowing the whole story (still don't, just assuming), we took the items back and exchanged them for two lawn chairs and an ice cream freezer, which we enjoyed using for several years, the chairs almost daily. We were students, and didn't have room for something we couldn't actually use. The store-owner seemed offended, which is what made us think that she had made the suggestions. So I really do appreciate registries. Many times, we didn't have space for things that were not what we really needed, so unless I know the person really well, and usually even if I do, I try to go by the registry if possible. If I couldn't afford anything on the registry, I'd either go with books (for baby), or something like dish towels in their colors (for bride).

[annegables]

3 hours ago, Lang Syne Boardie said:

As far as sentiment, re: used items:

People have different values. Some people might value a new item for baby, brand name, from Von Maur in the shopping mall. Other people might think that the brand name, new item is gorgeous and very nice in every way...but when they look at it, they see another mother in a different country, sewing it in a sweatshop. To these people, a non-homemade, non-heirloom item that is in very good condition seems of far greater value to give, because they are lovingly extended the life of this entirely usable garment, thus clothing baby while honoring the seamstress who was not honored in any other way. 

THIS is how the world needs to change.

I am not saying to give a milk-stained onesie as a gift at a baby shower, no matter how poor. I am saying that a high quality item that has proved its lasting durability, by surviving the use of one child and still being in very good condition, should be valued.

Thank you for saying this better than I could. I far prefer used items as gifts in almost every circumstance. I think about the economically disadvantaged people who might have made the item. I think about all the waste. I think about the limited life span. And most importantly, I enjoy looking at the stuff I have and seeing my story weaved together with the previous owners'. I should add that I think these things and I am not very sentimental nor super hippy. I just dont like new stuff.

I also really dislike showers and managed to not have any for my 3 kids. I dislike being the center of attention with receiving gifts. The entire experience is so uncomfortable for me; I cringe just thinking about it.

[DesertBlossom]

Yeah, it feels rude to me to actually say it.  

But bringing a receipt is often helpful. When DH and I got married we got at least 3 wafflemakers. We were able to return 2 of them, either because of a receipt or the store's lax return policy. The 3rd one we kept wasn't necessarily the best or nicest, but it was the only one we couldn't return. It turned out to be broken/defective but we had already returned the other 2 so we were without one entirely. 🙁

[annegables]

1 hour ago, DesertBlossom said:

Yeah, it feels rude to me to actually say it.  

But bringing a receipt is often helpful. When DH and I got married we got at least 3 wafflemakers. We were able to return 2 of them, either because of a receipt or the store's lax return policy. The 3rd one we kept wasn't necessarily the best or nicest, but it was the only one we couldn't return. It turned out to be broken/defective but we had already returned the other 2 so we were without one entirely. 🙁

I say this as someone who regularly uses a wafflemaker...What is with registering for (or gifting) very specific, mono-functional kitchen items??? I have never had a kitchen big enough to store so many random gadgets. We received an iced tea maker, several waffle makers, and a hot chocolate maker, very specific platters like for deviled eggs, a bajillion different types of stemware, and other things I have forgotten. For "entertaining". I must be a very boring person. I think there is a very small percentage of people who actually use these items regularly. The rest is just projecting our fantasies onto some bride or mother to be.