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Hyacinth

“If your gift is not from the registry, please bring a receipt”

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Is this rude to include on a baby shower invitation? (Purposefully not saying if I’m the giver or receiver of such wording.)

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Yes it’s rude. But I suppose it lets everyone know that the person wants only certain things and is inflexible about anything else. And that they feel entitled to demand certain things. 

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I can't imagine being friends with anyone that entitled and consumer orientated.  Totally tacky.

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2 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Yes it’s rude. But I suppose it lets everyone know that the person wants only certain things and is inflexible about anything else. And that they feel entitled to demand certain things. 

 

And from me, that means they’ll just get an economical gift card, or just a package of diapers. 

I agree that it’s rude. It assumes you are bringing a gift. That the gift of your presence has little value in itself. Or that you don’t have the sense to choose a nice gift in the first place. 

Sad thing to me is that if you go on current message boards for wedding planning and new moms, you see a lot of this behavior being propped up by fellow members of the younger generations saying, heck yeah, do it how YOU want, make it special/easy for YOURSELF.  

What’s an old gal to do but clutch her pearls and try not to wince at the Ok, Boomer vibe? Sigh. 

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It does seem rude, but I am always careful to get gifts off the registry. I feel it is a little rude for me to go rogue with gift giving in these situations. If I don't want to pick a gift off the registry I'll buy a gift card from their choice of stores.

Kelly

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6 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

 

And from me, that means they’ll just get an economical gift card, or just a package of diapers. 

I agree that it’s rude. It assumes you are bringing a gift. That the gift of your presence has little value in itself. Or that you don’t have the sense to choose a nice gift in the first place. 

Sad thing to me is that if you go on current message boards for wedding planning and new moms, you see a lot of this behavior being propped up by fellow members of the younger generations saying, heck yeah, do it how YOU want, make it special/easy for YOURSELF.  

What’s an old gal to do but clutch her pearls and try not to wince at the Ok, Boomer vibe? Sigh. 

Yeah that’s it exactly.  Nevermind getting that handmade hat or blanket from me, you selfish cow. That’s honestly my knee jerk reaction.  And then I probably wouldn’t go at all.  Fortunately I can’t imagine any of my friends ever doing that in a million years but I’d be horribly offended.

Edited by Arctic Mama
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Yes, it is rude. I always try to include a gift receipt - even if the item is from the registry. Telling people to do this is tacky. This is about people showing their love for you and their well wishes for the new baby. Dictating to them is beyond tacky. 

 

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Yes, very rude. It basically says: "If you don't give me exactly the item I requested, I will return your stupid gift and convert it into cash."

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It is very rude to state.
But it’s really helpful to *do! Almost 22 years ago, I had a lot of duplicates, including things that were on registries but not marked when purchased.  

Obviously something lovingly and painstakingly made wouldn’t have a receipt (like the sets my grandmother always knitted for every child.). But trying to return extra car seats is hard without receipts.

I still wouldn’t dare print it.

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 I always thought it was tacky to leave the price-tag on a gift, never mind handing over the receipt.

And it also assumes that everyone has the means to buy items off a registry - and doesn't that become a game of one-upmanship? 

 

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When my church hosts a baby shower or wedding shower, they print where someone is registered.  It has been a thing lately to put where they would love gift cards to x, y, & z stores or "cash is appreciated".  I am not usually inclined to these events anyway (unless I know the people well), but seeing the cash grab guarantees that I will not give a gift.  

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Wow. Unanimous for “rude” so far. Thanks, Hive. I received this invitation today and literally gasped at that line. I lean toward curmudgeonly, though, so I wanted to check my instincts to make sure I wasn’t being too judgmental. 
 

Edited by Hyacinth
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If this is your shower or the shower of someone you love I do have a small tip. I received way more baby clothes than I could possibly use but knew that it would hurt people's feelings if I returned them. I went back to the stores immediately after my shower and exchanged them for the same outfits in difference sizes. Everyone got to see my baby in the clothes that they had picked out and I got free clothing for the first year. Win-win.

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It is very rude. I am kind of tired of people who think they are just entitled to gifts..and the gifts must be exactly whatever they demand. It is only something I have seen in recent years. 

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Just now, Hyacinth said:

Wow. Unanimous for “rude” so far. Thanks, Hive. I received this invitation today and literally gasped at that line. I lean toward curmudgeonly, though, so I wanted to check my instincts to make sure I wasn’t be too judgmental. 
 

Oh, it's getting really bad! My sister-in-law included the fact that everyone was expected to bring something from the registry that was at least $40 because that was the cost per plate.

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50 minutes ago, Hyacinth said:

Wow. Unanimous for “rude” so far. Thanks, Hive. I received this invitation today and literally gasped at that line. I lean toward curmudgeonly, though, so I wanted to check my instincts to make sure I wasn’t being too judgmental. 
 

The Hive rarely agrees on anything. 😂 but yes this is so rude. 

Edited by Scarlett
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I've never heard of a baby shower registry. And all my baby showers were surprises hosted by family or friends. I have no idea what they did for invitations. I hope they didn't use any of this kind of wording. Can you imagine if someone did that to you and you didn't know? How embarrassing!

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It is very rude, yes.

 

But also, it is somewhat practical.  What if the registry has no newborn sized clothes on it because her neighbor gave her a whole bag of that size?  She doesn't really need a whole host of people bringing newborn when what she really needs is the next size up.  So yes, if I bought newborn clothes, I'd include a gift receipt.

 

It's still rude to ask for one though, but I'd err on the side of assuming the person meant to be practical and helpful to a new mom rather than dictatorial.

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4 minutes ago, happypamama said:

It is very rude, yes.

 

But also, it is somewhat practical.  What if the registry has no newborn sized clothes on it because her neighbor gave her a whole bag of that size?  She doesn't really need a whole host of people bringing newborn when what she really needs is the next size up.  So yes, if I bought newborn clothes, I'd include a gift receipt.

 

It's still rude to ask for one though, but I'd err on the side of assuming the person meant to be practical and helpful to a new mom rather than dictatorial.

There are better ways of handling this. My church insisted on a shower for our 3rd (I think it's traditionally only for the first) and I put "all set on baby clothes and blankies, thanks ladies!" on the announcement.

I'm hearing a lot of "only this brand... always include a gift receipt... hand me downs not appreciated... bring a box of diapers with your gift... minimum gift purchase... gift cards only..." Just no.

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It may not be the mother-to-be who chose or approved this wording. I'd be mortified if the hostess of my party put this on the invitation, but they probably thought they were helping the new mom.

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Another vote for rude.  And I'll add that one of the purposes of a baby shower, IMHO, is for more experienced parents to give things that they found useful or loved when raising their own children.

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8 minutes ago, PeppermintPattie said:

It may not be the mother-to-be who chose or approved this wording. I'd be mortified if the hostess of my party put this on the invitation, but they probably thought they were helping the new mom.

This is very true.  You never know what a hostess may decide to do on her own.  When I got married, I was given a shower that included prizes for winning party games.  As the hostess was handing out  the first prize, she announced it was customary for winners to give the prize to the bride. The "winner" dutifully (and uncomfortably) brought it to me to open.  I was mortified, but I thanked her and opened it.  It was a set of salt and pepper shakers that matched my planned decor.  There were othets, and they were all given to me.  Boy, was that awkward.  

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Definitely rude. My mother-in-law did showers for her grandkids and always titled it as a "pamper party," so people would bring diapers and wipes, which was very handy. She didn't, however, tell people on the invitations what they could or couldn't bring. And they only included people close to the mother and father, unlike a lot of showers I see these days where they invite anybody and everybody, whether they know the mother or not. 

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Rude.

The best gifts I received at my first baby shower were things I couldn't even have imagined needing- but turned out to be wonderful- some toys, sunhats,  etc.

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3 minutes ago, klmama said:

This is very true.  You never know what a hostess may decide to do on her own.  When I got married, I was given a shower that included prizes for winning party games.  As the hostess was handing out  the first prize, she announced it was customary for winners to give the prize to the bride. The "winner" dutifully (and uncomfortably) brought it to me to open.  I was mortified, but I thanked her and opened it.  It was a set of salt and pepper shakers that matched my planned decor.  There were othets, and they were all given to me.  Boy, was that awkward.  

Oh wow, I've never heard of that and that is really embarrassing. I would have been mortified

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Yes, it’s rude.  However, I doubt the person the shower is for had anything to do with it.   My cousins and aunts threw my baby shower. One particular cousin, who has many mental lapses, sent out the invitations.   They included the line, “please bring a children’s book along with your wrapped gift.”  Seriously.   I was absolutely positively mortified.  19 years later and I am still embarrassed.  I let people know (and told my mother to pass it around) that that was NOT my doing.  But...my name was still on it.  So Humiliating!

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That's sort of wording provokes the response from me, "It's unfortunate that I will be unable to attend. Best!"  Don't have to elaborate what your "best" wishes are for--to fall into a deep abyss???

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I think it's mildly inconsiderate to bring a purchased gift not on the registry unless it's something small like diapers or little onesie you picked specially. I think it's deeply rude to put that line in an invite. As in, I think the party thrower is thinking, well "they started it" but the response is not proportional.

Large, in good shape hand-me-down gifts, handmade gifts, and really personal gifts are discouraged by that note too and that seems hurtful as well. It's so "gimme" driven. Yuck.

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yes.  a gift is *a gift*.   registries were originally created as "suggestions" - they are NOT "mandatory".  anyone who thinks they are, doesn't need to receive a gift from me.  the attitude of entitlement is getting out of line.

Edited by gardenmom5
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7 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I think it's mildly inconsiderate to bring a purchased gift not on the registry unless it's something small like diapers or little onesie you picked specially

seriously? Then they could simply ask for money.

 

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1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

I agree that it’s rude. It assumes you are bringing a gift.  

you're supposed to bring a gift to a shower, or contribute to a group gift.

 

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5 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

yes.  a gift is *a gift*.   registries were originally created as "suggestions" - they are NOT "mandatory".  anyone who thinks they are, doesn't need to receive a gift from me.  the attitude of entitlement is getting out of line.

Not only that, but showers themselves were created so that (mostly) women could support other women while they set up house for the first time or started a family.  It was about the support being given to that new family, not the price of admission to a party (most of which are not really to my taste anyway).  And yes, that support was in the form of practical goods but it wasn't about having the right brand.  If someone can afford to be so picky to only want Instagrammable clothing or XYZ brand, then they should save up for those items themselves. 

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21 minutes ago, klmama said:

This is very true.  You never know what a hostess may decide to do on her own.  When I got married, I was given a shower that included prizes for winning party games.  As the hostess was handing out  the first prize, she announced it was customary for winners to give the prize to the bride. The "winner" dutifully (and uncomfortably) brought it to me to open.  I was mortified, but I thanked her and opened it.  It was a set of salt and pepper shakers that matched my planned decor.  There were othets, and they were all given to me.  Boy, was that awkward.  

at my niece's bridal shower, her mother planted herself in a chair next to her and pulled out a wad of cash.  she then demanded she guess the content of every gift before she could open it -- if she guessed correctly, she was given money.   yes, my sil loves to be the center of attention.  at least when she tried to do something at another daughter's baby shower, someone pulled her into another room to talk while her daughter opened her gifts.

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34 minutes ago, PeppermintPattie said:

It may not be the mother-to-be who chose or approved this wording. I'd be mortified if the hostess of my party put this on the invitation, but they probably thought they were helping the new mom.

You are very charitable.  😊

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Unless it were an extremely close friend or family member, I'd be skipping that shower. 

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3 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Not only that, but showers themselves were created so that (mostly) women could support other women while they set up house for the first time or started a family.  It was about the support being given to that new family, not the price of admission to a party (most of which are not really to my taste anyway).  And yes, that support was in the form of practical goods but it wasn't about having the right brand.  If someone can afford to be so picky to only want Instagrammable clothing or XYZ brand, then they should save up for those items themselves. 

when 2dd was married, they had no idea what they wanted/needed.  dsil had previously owned a condo and was living in his own apartment.  (dd was in grad school and had a house sitting gig for a dr.  furnished house, maid service and yard service.  such a rough life.) 

they mostly put down amazon gift cards and nerf guns (as well as more typical things on a bridal registry.)  - the nerf guns were the very first things to "sell out".

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16 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I think it's mildly inconsiderate to bring a purchased gift not on the registry unless it's something small like diapers or little onesie you picked specially. I think it's deeply rude to put that line in an invite. As in, I think the party thrower is thinking, well "they started it" but the response is not proportional.

Large, in good shape hand-me-down gifts, handmade gifts, and really personal gifts are discouraged by that note too and that seems hurtful as well. It's so "gimme" driven. Yuck.

What if I can't afford anything on the registry?  The cheaper things often go first.

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5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

seriously? Then they could simply ask for money.

 

Not always - sometimes a chosen gift is really thoughtful and certainly smaller gifts are like, whatever. If you want to bring a board book or a lovey or a cute outfit, mom and dad need to get over themselves and just say thanks. But yeah. Like, in this age of too much stuff, I have seen people gift relatively large ticket not returnable items that the recipients just don't need or want. It's very rude not to be grateful, but then the recipient is stuck with the $300 item the giver was convinced they had to have, sometimes with nowhere feasible to put it. It feels so awkward to get that stuff. So, yeah, I stand by saying it's mildly inconsiderate to give a large, not-returnable gift that's outside the registry. 

It is, of course, blatantly, openly rude to demand receipts for everything in the invitation. So the scale is totally different.

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1 minute ago, DoraBora said:

What if I can't afford anything on the registry?  The cheaper things often go first.

That's why I said a larger gift. Anyone bringing something small, handmade, hand-me-down... Like I said, little, personal gifts are nice. Or just bring diapers. Everyone needs diapers. But when a giver wants to give something large and non-returnable that they just imagine the couple needs... I've seen this and I've been on the end of it... and it was not pleasant. I do think it's slightly inconsiderate. We were stuck with a number of baby items we just didn't want, only used a couple of times, couldn't return anywhere, and didn't have space for. We sent nice thank you notes and were totally polite in the moment, but I couldn't help feeling like the people giving the presents just didn't pay any attention to us or our actual stated needs. I would much rather have received nothing at all, which would have been totally fine.

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9 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

you're supposed to bring a gift to a shower, or contribute to a group gift.

 

 

Oh yes, I know that’s proper etiquette on the side of the invited guest. 

But proper etiquette on the side of the honoree/invitation issuer is to not *assume* a gift. I would be perfectly willing to be satisfied with the mere presence of a dear but broke college student, or Great Aunt Cecile who struggles to cover the cost of her medications, kwim? Better to have them feel welcome even they aren’t financially able to contribute. And funny, these are the most likely the ones likely to bring a handcrafted item or family heirloom, neither of which could come with a receipt. 

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Very rude.

Also rude to bring something used ‘as a gift’ unless it’s a white elephant event.  Sure, pass on used things, but don’t bring them to a shower.

Also a good idea to enclose a gift receipt, but talking about it in the invitation is really unacceptable. 

Inconsiderate and rude are two different things, just like gracious and polite are two different things, even though each pair does have considerable overlap.  We are classical educators and can be precise in our wording, LOL.

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1 minute ago, Farrar said:

That's why I said a larger gift. Anyone bringing something small, handmade, hand-me-down... Like I said, little, personal gifts are nice. Or just bring diapers. Everyone needs diapers. But when a giver wants to give something large and non-returnable that they just imagine the couple needs... I've seen this and I've been on the end of it... and it was not pleasant. I do think it's slightly inconsiderate. We were stuck with a number of baby items we just didn't want, only used a couple of times, couldn't return anywhere, and didn't have space for. We sent nice thank you notes and were totally polite in the moment, but I couldn't help feeling like the people giving the presents just didn't pay any attention to us or our actual stated needs. I would much rather have received nothing at all, which would have been totally fine.

I see what you mean now.

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1 hour ago, Hannah said:

 I always thought it was tacky to leave the price-tag on a gift, never mind handing over the receipt.

And it also assumes that everyone has the means to buy items off a registry - and doesn't that become a game of one-upmanship? 

 

this.

we went through some seriously difficult financial times, where even a small gift was an I had to think about it expense.  I knew one bride who included a lot of INEXPENSIVE items on her registry.  she was just as gracious with her thanks to smaller gifts as she was to larger gifts.

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30 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

yes.  a gift is *a gift*.   registries were originally created as "suggestions" - they are NOT "mandatory".  anyone who thinks they are, doesn't need to receive a gift from me.  the attitude of entitlement is getting out of line.

This.  We had gotten rid of all the baby stuff, then youngest was 8 when my now youngest came along.  We were still new-ish at our church and I was told we had to do a registry.  At the shower, there were several families/groups that apparently like to go in together to buy some of the larger items, but there were lots of people who gave homemade and other non registry gifts.  All the gifts were very much appreciated.  

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39 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Yes, it’s rude.  However, I doubt the person the shower is for had anything to do with it.   My cousins and aunts threw my baby shower. One particular cousin, who has many mental lapses, sent out the invitations.   They included the line, “please bring a children’s book along with your wrapped gift.”  Seriously.   I was absolutely positively mortified.  19 years later and I am still embarrassed.  I let people know (and told my mother to pass it around) that that was NOT my doing.  But...my name was still on it.  So Humiliating!

 Now see this doesn’t bother me in the slightest.  I have been to several showers lately where the invitation includes a cute little poem that basically says instead of a card bring a signed children’s book.  I think it is a brilliant tradition since cards are so expensive and you can pick a book up for a couple of dollars.  

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13 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Also rude to bring something used ‘as a gift’ unless it’s a white elephant event.  Sure, pass on used things, but don’t bring them to a shower.

I think that has to be regional or socio-economic. Or maybe I'm just weird. I am perfectly happy to receive something used as a gift for any occasion within reason. Dirty, stained, or so used or out of date it is no longer useful, I will pass. But something that is gently used, barely used and practically brand new or something with deep meaning or of personal interest to me, I am more than happy to receive an item like that. I don't care that it isn't new in the box, particularly if it is a big ticket item.

I absolutely agree that it is rude to demand a receipt. I never had a baby shower for any of my 6 kids though. I either bought what I needed myself or got an occasional item here and there from friends and family during the pregnancy or when the baby was born. I was lucky enough when my first daughter was born to receive two yard waste size garbage bags full of girl clothes from a friend who had 3 separate baby showers thrown for her daughter. Most of the clothes had never been worn or still had the tags on and ranged in size from preemie to 18 months. Had I not received those garbage bags of clothes, oldest dd would have had to wear a lot of hand-me-downs from her older brothers because it was a very unexpected pregnancy.

Speaking of oldest dd, when dd told me she was pregnant last year, I told her I would be happy to help her get what she needed if she was ok with going thrifting and/or yardsale-ing for a lot of the bigger things. I was thrilled when she acted surprised that I even asked her that question. Of course, she would be happy to get used items as long as they were in good condition! Unfortunately, she ended up having a miscarriage but I'm so glad she has not seemed to fall into the culture of entitlement that seems so prevalent these days.

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