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Secular book on boundaries?

Rosie_0801

By Rosie_0801,
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Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

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Daughter and I will finish 'Queen Bees and Wannabes' soon (after working on it for 3 years *groan*) and a book on boundaries needs to be our next text for our "Bitchery" studies.

Any recommendations? 

Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

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4 minutes ago, Pen said:

Not exactly on boundaries but I think book The Gift of Fear is fairly secular and related to boundaries. 

 

Yeah. That title is not a good choice of language for our situation. We're looking more for the "Queen of Your Own Life" vibe. 

Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

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I'm looking for something a bit deeper than self esteem and girl power. 

An antidote to her very much not being allowed to have agency and very much wanting it back again.

 

*trawling amazon*

Lang Syne Boardie

Lang Syne Boardie

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There might be resources available through the Women Elevation Fund, which was founded by Anita Erskine for African women and girls. They've grown to the point that they have 330 clubs, and their twitter feed is full of stories about girls and young women. 

I have NO idea whether this would be true for your daughter, but here is my personal experience -- as a grown woman, when I needed to break away from patriarchy and misogyny and learn about equality and power for women, it was actually very, very helpful to look outside of American voices. International experiences and thought were more useful to me (and then I was able to better parse it out in my own country). I point this out because a lot of these types of books are written by Americans, and maybe that's one reason why the tone is wrong. A lot of American books are about surviving American public schools, at the heart of them, instead of about "who you are and who you want to be - and have a right to be - no matter your setting." 

https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/entertainment/Why-I-empower-girls-Anita-Erskine-819652

https://twitter.com/w_elevationfund



 

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Pen

Pen

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5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Dd wants to be a builder and has, today, begun year 7 (the start of high school over here) at a girls school that doesn't even offer woodwork classes.

 

 

I’m not sure about this book itself, but maybe the concept of building something as a way to achieve a sense of personal power?

Zen and the Art of Making a Morris Chair: Meet Your Creative Spirit on a Path to Self-Discovery https://www.amazon.com/dp/1942661312/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_h7HmEbDF76ZTC

 

Similar might be a book called Rise about a family (no dad ) who built their own house. 

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Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

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3 minutes ago, Pen said:

“School of Life” materials?  (Books and YouTube) 

 

Yes, they are very useful. We use them periodically.

We're definitely *not* looking for happiness is a choice themes. 

 

I think I might give this a go. Not my choice of language, but hey, if she wants to be a lady tradie, she'll have to deal with it!

Some of the other recs in this thread might be useful in the future though. It all depends how much reading time we can fit in. Our 'to be read' pile is impossible to achieve already.

Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

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3 minutes ago, Pen said:

Rise: How a House Built a Family https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250095662/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_M.HmEb8408MY9

IMO a Wonderful, wonderful book, but includes parts about abusive husbands that could be triggering for you or her.  Or both.    Or could feel healing. Idk. 

 

I think that one had better wait until she has her freedom, lol. I think she would like it very much then.

Most of the resources around like to treat trauma the same way as PTSD and it doesn't work.

Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

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9 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I’m not sure about this book itself, but maybe the concept of building something as a way to achieve a sense of personal power?

 

 

We do that. She's just crossed the threshold of learning to spin, has a woodwork project on the go and paints occasionally. She goes all Zen about making pasta too.

Pen

Pen

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Every 4th book seems to have that sort of title.  Content sounds about right for what you want.

 

The “Our Whole Lives” curriculum materials were quite good in regard to Consent and that sort of boundary.

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Pen

Pen

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Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

 

We do that. She's just crossed the threshold of learning to spin, has a woodwork project on the go and paints occasionally.

 

👍

Go Girl!!!

Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

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2 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

👍

Go Girl!!!

 

Yeah. She'll turn out alright. Just not as alright as she would have been without all the sabotage. Such is life.

Boundaries are what needs work. Coz, ya know, that's the main casualty in DV. She's not *meant* to have boundaries.

Lang Syne Boardie

Lang Syne Boardie

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Along with the excellent work that you are doing - and it IS excellent - I hope you and she (separate and together) can find IRL communities of empowering women. There's really nothing better than meeting other badass women who went ahead and burned it all down and rose from the ashes. They have a way of making the bad guys seem disposable, which they should be, but that is indeed the hardest thing to see while you're in it - life beyond and after whoever held you back. 

I mean, it's very hard. I had literally a decade between when I knew that I needed to entirely separate from some people and when I actually did it. Even then, I only managed because it was about to affect my children. I might never have done it, but for that, and I didn't manage it before age 40! So I am not trying to give advice, by any means. I'm just sharing what helped me some - specifically these two aspects of international women's voices and IRL examples and support. 

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Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

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1 minute ago, Lang Syne Boardie said:

Along with the excellent work that you are doing - and it IS excellent - I hope you and she (separate and together) can find IRL communities of empowering women. There's really nothing better than meeting other badass women who went ahead and burned it all down and rose from the ashes. They have a way of making the bad guys seem disposable, which they should be, but that is indeed the hardest thing to see while you're in it - life beyond and after whoever held you back. 

 

We're reading Amanda Palmer's autobiography, and have Yassmin Abdel-Magied's to read after. And, of course, there's the Rebel Girl's books. But it is not really empowering women we need so much as good men, and we've been lucky enough to find a few of them. ❤️ It is very hard to burn things down (figuratively speaking) when you are 12 and, of course, me trying without the necessary prerequisites is what got us into this mess. One day she will liberate herself.

Lang Syne Boardie

Lang Syne Boardie

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1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

We're reading Amanda Palmer's autobiography, and have Yassmin Abdel-Magied's to read after. And, of course, there's the Rebel Girl's books. But it is not really empowering women we need so much as good men, and we've been lucky enough to find a few of them. ❤️ It is very hard to burn things down (figuratively speaking) when you are 12 and, of course, me trying without the necessary prerequisites is what got us into this mess. One day she will liberate herself.

I believe she will. 

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PinkTulip

PinkTulip

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I don’t know all of the background (and don’t need to - not my business to know), but I just wanted to tell you what a good mom you are, Rosie. You’re helping her see that what has been her world thus far doesn’t have to be the way it will be for the rest of her life. There are good people who are kind and helpful and supportive of who she is and who she wants to be. She can draw on her inner core and overcome the crap and be stronger because of it. We’re all cheering for her and for you! 

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Pen

Pen

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1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

Yeah. She'll turn out alright. Just not as alright as she would have been without all the sabotage. Such is life.

Boundaries are what needs work. Coz, ya know, that's the main casualty in DV. She's not *meant* to have boundaries.

 

It sounds like she needs “healthy” boundaries.  And also potential for healthy intimacy. There can be a flip from no boundaries to too much.  That can be another DV casualty. 

Our Whole Lives for high school, the non religious version, might be worth looking at. 

Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

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1 minute ago, Pen said:

 

It sounds like she needs “healthy” boundaries.  And also potential for healthy intimacy. There can be a flip from no boundaries to too much.  That can be another DV casualty. 

Our Whole Lives for high school, the non religious version, might be worth looking at. 

 

 

Yes, I'm aware of the too much phenomenon. I don't think that will be a problem for her; it's something we already work on.

I'm not sure about 'Our Whole Lives.' We used the first two levels and they're rather light for our situation. 

Pen

Pen

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45 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

 

Yes, I'm aware of the too much phenomenon. I don't think that will be a problem for her; it's something we already work on.

I'm not sure about 'Our Whole Lives.' We used the first two levels and they're rather light for our situation. 

 

It seems hard because she’s young and you don’t want scary titles or too much, but then things intended for her age may not be enough. 

 

Never read this one:

 

Spilled Milk: Based On A True Story https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00D9GY2BU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_APKmEb1PK4N6A

Farrar

Farrar

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I thought I'd chime in to say that OWL for high school is definitely not light. It's a program that ramps up in terms of what it covers. But it's doing a lot and not specific to your situation so it still might not be right.

I was looking at these thinking of whether there was anything to recommend to a mom I know with a totally different but also very similar situation... Sigh. You're strong to present things in this way instead of just railing about it, Rosie.

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