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Happymomof1

I am so very lonely

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I’m sorry. I have been there. We moved not too long ago and I was very lonely for awhile. I’m not as lonely now, but still lonelier than I have been in awhile. I have also done the dh travels all the time thing. That was a different kind of lonely. I hope things change for you soon!

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I thought I was lonely until I got a couple of friends.  What I really was was bored.  I know some people have good luck with friends.  I am *not* one of those people.   My advice is to find something you like to do and do more of it or branch off into a specialty or something like that.  Like gardening? What about joining a garden club?  Like reading?  What about a creative writing course?  Into movies?  Maybe try out for a small part in a local theater and see if you enjoy the process?    All those things get you around new people who share your interests, whatever they happen to be.  Good luck!  I’ve made a list of some things I want to do for 2020 and I’ll probably do all of them alone, but they’re things that are of interest to me and I’m excited to try some new things... and maybe meet a normal friend along the way.  

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BTDT.  It's rough.  When we got married we moved to dh's family ranch.  In the small town nearby the women were standoffish.  After 42 years I'm still not in the inner sanctum, or even the outer one.  I just got used to it and did my own thing.  Eventually some of them warmed up.  But to a lot of them I'm still the import from the South.

I think the best you can do is to pursue your interests and then maybe you can meet some like minded people.  Do you have a church you like?

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Thank you ladies.  A few years ago I was really lonely.  Then i got a job and felt much better.  The company had to shut down.  I am currently going back to school to improve my skills.  Yes, I have a church.  I'm bringing a meal tonight to someone in my class who lost her father-in-law.    Yes, I think boredom is some of it, but that is only temporary.  In a week, I will not have time to breathe for the next month.  But I miss my best friend and other ladies that I talked with at my old job...a lot.  They are all working different places now.   No one in my stage of life has time to get together anymore.  High school students are busy with activities.  A lot of us are graduating our last child this year..so I am hoping that next fall we can all reconnect somehow...

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1 hour ago, Happymomof1 said:

Thank you ladies.  A few years ago I was really lonely.  Then i got a job and felt much better.  The company had to shut down.  I am currently going back to school to improve my skills.  Yes, I have a church.  I'm bringing a meal tonight to someone in my class who lost her father-in-law.    Yes, I think boredom is some of it, but that is only temporary.  In a week, I will not have time to breathe for the next month.  But I miss my best friend and other ladies that I talked with at my old job...a lot.  They are all working different places now.   No one in my stage of life has time to get together anymore.  High school students are busy with activities.  A lot of us are graduating our last child this year..so I am hoping that next fall we can all reconnect somehow...

I used to not really communicate via email or text much until I realized I missed my friends. We were all in different stages of life that just didn't mesh well with each other's schedules. So, hanging out was almost non-existent. And when we did it was with our kids around, which I actually really gate doing.

So, I finally just started texting them randomly asking how such and such was going, if they were still struggling with xyz, etc. Just things that we had previously talked about and following through with it. I still didn't do things physically with them but it made the time apart less lonely. Also, I relied heavily on dh's company, which was nice because we really do enjoy many of the same things.

I hope things changed as you all start launching the last kids

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That is a good idea.  I will text them.  My husband is overseas, so it is just me and a very, very moody 18yo. She isn't home a ton either. 

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I have been a bit lonely too.  My boys’ friends all started public high school this year and we are still homeschooling (9th grade).  My boys are great with their decision, but we don’t have a lot of friends that get it.  I don’t seem to fit with the homeschool high school moms either.  Either I don’t outsource enough of their school or we are a little more rigorous than others I talk to.  My best friend moved an hour away and her kids are now in public school.  One of my very good friends was very, very nasty to me on Mother’s Day of 2018.  That friendship ended even though she said she didn’t know what her letter meant to our friendship 🤪🙄.  Duh.  Unfortunately her son was my boys’ best friend so that is over too.  And...then I was unexpectedly in charge of taking care of my dad the last 1.5 years. That is a lonely journey also.

In December, I picked up my stitching crafts again.  That makes me happy and keeps my mind busy.  And I’ve joined 3 stitch alongs on FB.  While not in real life people, it is fun to share with other people from all over the world and communicate and enocurage a little bit that way.  And...I have a new friend on here with kids the same age going on the same journery.  She is really nice to “talk” to and share with!  And..one of my very good local friends that I never get to see is doing 2 of the 3 stitch alongs with me.  That is so fun and we have reconnected over something we both love.

i do have people that I enjoy talking to and hanging around sometimes; especially with our summer swim team.  But...I’m not part of a group - mostly because we homeschool.

It’s all good.  I’m 52 and am just focused on getting my boys into college at this point 😁.  I will figure things out for me after that.  I do love the WTM board too!

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29 minutes ago, Happymomof1 said:

That is a good idea.  I will text them.  My husband is overseas, so it is just me and a very, very moody 18yo. She isn't home a ton either. 

That is a tough place to be!  Could you even just set up a few dinner dates with these friends and try to make something work?  So you have some things to look forward to?  What about joining a local book club or knitting guild or something with a little interest and camaraderie.

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I get the stage of life thing. We moved this summer and our kids are 13, 11, 9, 7. I feel like I haven’t met anyone at my stage of life because everyone-just like me-is busy running their kids to activities. I have met people with little kids and empty nesters, but no one with middle schoolers. I’m sure it is even worse in high school. I am really busy, but still lonely. I do text my friends from our previous home and that helps. 

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3 hours ago, Happymomof1 said:

That is a good idea.  I will text them.  My husband is overseas, so it is just me and a very, very moody 18yo. She isn't home a ton either. 

I just want to say that I find that there is nothing to make one feel lonelier than having a moody teen in the house.  Mine is 16 and a boy, but something about having someone who is silent is worse than not having anyone at all.  It's like he's saying, "I am just gonna pretend I am an orphan and don't have a mom, since that is preferable to actually interacting with you, Loser."  

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3 hours ago, Happymomof1 said:

That is a good idea.  I will text them.  My husband is overseas, so it is just me and a very, very moody 18yo. She isn't home a ton either. 

I had a good friend who moved away and for the first few weeks after the move, we had "coffee" together at a certain time a day or two a week. One could skype this if you wanted. So choose a time, open up the iPad and have coffee and chat for 15-20 minutes. I bet you could do this, even with local friends who may not be able to get out because of kids or something, just a 15 minute virtual visit might help you stay in touch.

My friend and I eventually moved on. We're still friends, but those coffee visits helped ease the loneliness as we adjusted to one another's absence and made other friends.

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35 minutes ago, plansrme said:

I just want to say that I find that there is nothing to make one feel lonelier than having a moody teen in the house.  Mine is 16 and a boy, but something about having someone who is silent is worse than not having anyone at all.  It's like he's saying, "I am just gonna pretend I am an orphan and don't have a mom, since that is preferable to actually interacting with you, Loser."  

Hmmm...this explains some of my feelings lately when I’m around a certain teenager in my home.  Hmmm.

OP, I hear you.  It’s hard to maintain friendship and hard to start them up.  

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Texting has been a wonderful way to keep in touch.  It's brisk, chatty, and with one particular friend, always ends in our scheduling a phone call...which we have to do because when we get on the phone it will never be for less than 2 hours.  I have to make sure my phone is charged.  :0)

Email works but texting has made it seem more ponderous, more demanding of a Full and Complete Response...which can be off-putting.  Texting is like the quick phone call in the day that can be short and sweet or turn into something longer...but in the meantime it connects you in the day-to-day.  

And transitions are always lonely.  I've been through it several times...and I have to say, jobs helped.  But the transitions for me were when my son went to K-1 and then just as I was getting used to that, we started homeschooling him, so I lost contact with all my friends whose kids were in school...and made new homeschool friends.  And then my son went to school and it's the same thing in reverse.  Then all my friends' kids went off to college and mine was sort of in a mess and so I just couldn't deal with the graduations and the engagements and so on, so that was a lonely time.  Even though they all righted themselves...they were lonely times.  

Now I text with at least one person from each of these (and other) periods in my life.  Now I am in the age where my loneliness is related to the fact that many of my friends aren't available anymore because they are spending time with their grandchildren...and that is years away for me.  

One of the reasons I took a part-time job is to structure my day so I don't have as much time to figure out how to fill.  It is VERY part time but it has been a big help.

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I’m sorry😕I finally invited someone from our church out to coffee. We seemed to hit it off, spent 2 hours chatting but then nothing. It’s been a couple of months since then but we talked in church and invited her out to coffee again. I’m always seem to be the one initiating.

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7 minutes ago, May said:

I’m sorry😕I finally invited someone from our church out to coffee. We seemed to hit it off, spent 2 hours chatting but then nothing. It’s been a couple of months since then but we talked in church and invited her out to coffee again. I’m always seem to be the one initiating.

Yes!  Me too re: the checking on and initiating!  Gets old after awhile.  I have been texting with a mom in my neighborhood.  I am usually the one contacting her.  She is very "talkative" when I initiate,and we enjoy each other, but I am waiting a bit to see if she finally contacts me -- LOL.  With the friend in my post above that sent me the ugly email on Mother's Day, she was very needy and I was the one doing most of the work in the friendship.  I'm not willing to do that anymore.  I would like it to be a little more even.

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8 hours ago, Happymomof1 said:

Thank you ladies.  A few years ago I was really lonely.  Then i got a job and felt much better.  The company had to shut down.  I am currently going back to school to improve my skills.  Yes, I have a church.  I'm bringing a meal tonight to someone in my class who lost her father-in-law.    Yes, I think boredom is some of it, but that is only temporary.  In a week, I will not have time to breathe for the next month.  But I miss my best friend and other ladies that I talked with at my old job...a lot.  They are all working different places now.   No one in my stage of life has time to get together anymore.  High school students are busy with activities.  A lot of us are graduating our last child this year..so I am hoping that next fall we can all reconnect somehow...

I understand. I feel lonely a lot of the time too. Most of my friends from younger days are all *living* in different places now and most of them are in other states. It's hard to get together or make new friends with people who are always running their kids to activities. Most of our homeschool friends have sent their children to public school and gone to work. We feel disconnected at church because we sometimes miss for kid's activities and they moved Sunday morning classes to groups that meet at other times during the week anyway. I recently sent a message to someone about joining the only group that fits our schedule and is mostly for parents of high school students and they said the group was falling apart. The majority of my social interaction comes from talking to other parents at teen activities and sporting events, but they're not really friends. When my kids leave the activities, the connections to those people are likely to end. I really miss having friends to meet for lunch, have a game night or cookout with, or just hang out and chat with while kids are doing something else.

I read an article the other day about increased mental health issues because people are lonelier than ever, especially with people working at home more and spending more time on work and children's activities.The fact that you're graduating your last child may open up some new possiblities for you. Whether that is a book club, new job, volunteer work, class, or something else, you may have time to make some new friends. I hope you find something soon that helps you make connections that can turn into friendship. 

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10 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I had a good friend who moved away and for the first few weeks after the move, we had "coffee" together at a certain time a day or two a week. One could skype this if you wanted. So choose a time, open up the iPad and have coffee and chat for 15-20 minutes. I bet you could do this, even with local friends who may not be able to get out because of kids or something, just a 15 minute virtual visit might help you stay in touch.

My friend and I eventually moved on. We're still friends, but those coffee visits helped ease the loneliness as we adjusted to one another's absence and made other friends.

My best friend moved away 11 years ago to live in Australia.  We would schedule a once a month Skype and coffee date.  These days its not scheduled, but we still talk via WhatsApp every 2 months or so - and then its for an hour or more.   We text in between talking.  I may send her a photograph of something in our lives, or a link to a podcast, or whatever I think might be of interest to her, and she does the same.  The texts might lead to talking if we have time,  often while we are each doing our own chores.  We are 9 hours apart.  I've seen her twice in real life in the 11 years and am really looking forward to seeing her again in May.  We will spend a week together.  With her it was easy to maintain the contact.

My sisters both live overseas.  With the one I have regular WhatsApp text chats and we also talk about once a month.   I may send a text in the morning and she only answers in the afternoon, but it feels like a lingering conversation.   With my other sister its much harder.  I know what's going on in her life mainly via Facebook, but she doesn't really respond to texts often.   We have just spent a wonderful Christmas together and reconnected, so that was great.

IRL I have social interactions via the children's sport and at work, but I have also felt lonely as there was not a close connection with anyone.  I finally made a new friend about 1.5 years ago with whom I really connect.  

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16 hours ago, Happymomof1 said:

Thank you ladies.  A few years ago I was really lonely.  Then i got a job and felt much better.  The company had to shut down.  I am currently going back to school to improve my skills.  Yes, I have a church.  I'm bringing a meal tonight to someone in my class who lost her father-in-law.    Yes, I think boredom is some of it, but that is only temporary.  In a week, I will not have time to breathe for the next month.  But I miss my best friend and other ladies that I talked with at my old job...a lot.  They are all working different places now.   No one in my stage of life has time to get together anymore.  High school students are busy with activities.  A lot of us are graduating our last child this year..so I am hoping that next fall we can all reconnect somehow...

Take heart.  Just tonight I went on a Mom's Night Out with 4 friends who have all (except me) launched their last child to college.  They all homeschooled through high school and the junior and senior years can be crazy busy.  However, with an end to homeschooling and all but me with an empty nest, they have time to get together for dinners, walks, activities again. Some seasons are just much harder than others and often families try to spend all the time they can together before their kids launch and life changes forever.

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Can you tell your daughter "I am lonely with Dad gone.  Want to ...." and go to dinner or go for a walk or take a pottery class together.  I got out of my angst by 17 and would have loved to do this with my mom if she would have asked.  And you telling your daughter you're lonely might be very relatable for her.  Teens are often lonely so she may sympathize.  It may be a great opportunity for you to bond outside of standard parent-child time, more like friend time.

Other ideas:  Join a gym.  Get a puppy.

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23 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

 

One of the reasons I took a part-time job is to structure my day so I don't have as much time to figure out how to fill.  It is VERY part time but it has been a big help.

My company closed, so I chose to go back to school to increase my skills.  I do really miss my job, part of the reason I am so lonely right now.   I have a lot of traveling I will be doing over the next couple of months with my senior daughter.  Maybe next year I can go back to work.  We shall see, but that is probably the long term solution.  However, depending on school that may be a year or two away.

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14 hours ago, parent said:

Can you tell your daughter "I am lonely with Dad gone.  Want to ...." and go to dinner or go for a walk or take a pottery class together.  I got out of my angst by 17 and would have loved to do this with my mom if she would have asked.  And you telling your daughter you're lonely might be very relatable for her.  Teens are often lonely so she may sympathize.  It may be a great opportunity for you to bond outside of standard parent-child time, more like friend time.

Other ideas:  Join a gym.  Get a puppy.

  We will be traveling three weekends together in the next five weeks for college auditions so that will help some.  Otherwise, she isn't home.  She does community theater most nights of the week or gets together with friends.  Have two outside dogs and a cat.  They are old. Actually don't want to get another because I will be joining my husband in his traveling after my daughter graduates and I am through with school.  

Edited by Happymomof1

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14 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Take heart.  Just tonight I went on a Mom's Night Out with 4 friends who have all (except me) launched their last child to college.  They all homeschooled through high school and the junior and senior years can be crazy busy.  However, with an end to homeschooling and all but me with an empty nest, they have time to get together for dinners, walks, activities again. Some seasons are just much harder than others and often families try to spend all the time they can together before their kids launch and life changes forever.

Thank you so much for the encouragement!  I know you are right!

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I am very sorry!!! When I feel lonely, I find myself gravitating toward boards and such and posting and responding to posts. I do not think this is the healthiest to do. I do not enjoy mom's nights out. I am so sorry you are feeling this way (((hugs)))

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On 1/27/2020 at 4:01 PM, May said:

I’m sorry😕I finally invited someone from our church out to coffee. We seemed to hit it off, spent 2 hours chatting but then nothing. It’s been a couple of months since then but we talked in church and invited her out to coffee again. I’m always seem to be the one initiating.

 

I’ve been on both sides of this fence.  Right now, I’m the one who makes most of the overtures and I’m ok with that. I’m the one who wants the friendships for my own mental health, so I’m ok with always initiating.  When I didn’t initiate, my friends stopped contacting me.  I guess they thought I wasn’t interested, but I was. I just wasn’t in a place where I had the energy to initiate the contact and months and then years went by before I realized they had faded away.

My advice: keep initiating and don’t worry if they don’t initiate back.  If you guys are having a great time when you’re together, then go with it.  Initiate it.  Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face by playing a game of “if she doesn’t initiate, the neither will I.”  If the time together is fun to you, then don’t worry about who remembers to set up the get togethers.

I’d say I am the sole initiator of contact for 75% of my friends—including the ones that had faded away that I reconnected with, I’m an equal initiator with 15% of my friends, and for the remaining 10%, they are the sole initiators of contact for me (it’s a group of friends and we all tend to defer to one woman hosting our gatherings at her house and she seems content to organize it for us.)

Edited by Garga
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11 hours ago, Garga said:

 

I’ve been on both sides of this fence.  Right now, I’m the one who makes most of the overtures and I’m ok with that. I’m the one who wants the friendships for my own mental health, so I’m ok with always initiating.  When I didn’t initiate, my friends stopped contacting me.  I guess they thought I wasn’t interested, but I was. I just wasn’t in a place where I had the energy to initiate the contact and months and then years went by before I realized they had faded away.

My advice: keep initiating and don’t worry if they don’t initiate back.  If you guys are having a great time when you’re together, then go with it.  Initiate it.  Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face by playing a game of “if she doesn’t initiate, the neither will I.”  If the time together is fun to you, then don’t worry about who remembers to set up the get togethers.

I’d say I am the sole initiator of contact for 75% of my friends—including the ones that had faded away that I reconnected with, I’m an equal initiator with 15% of my friends, and for the remaining 10%, they are the sole initiators of contact for me (it’s a group of friends and we all tend to defer to one woman hosting our gatherings at her house and she seems content to organize it for us.)

That’s a great point! Thanks for reminding me of that🌺

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