Next steps toward independence?

[maggie18]

So we  have a DS who is almost 20. ( he is our youngest child) .  He was homeschooled until grade 10, then private schooled through graduation.  He struggles with ADHD, executive functioning, some anxiety/depression, and had an psych evaluation last year that he initiated, for ASD. The report stated that he met the diagnosis for Criteria A but regarding Criteria B, he demonstrated some of the behaviors, but the behaviors are not creating enough of a functional impairment to warrant diagnosis.  He has had some counseling, but has not been in about a year.

After high school, he moved out of the state for the summer and worked and lived in an apartment doing sales. The job didn't go as well as he had hoped,  and at the end of the summer when the job ended, he returned to our state and back home, telling us he would be moving out by fall.  That did not occur and he is still living with us. He works 50 hours a week, has his own vehicle and pays for his own car insurance. He pays us rent as well.

He has talked about going to community college or joining the military but  does not follow through with anything. He will just randomly bring up going to college and I will remind him that we will help him get started, pay for it, etc but then he does not follow through or say any more about it for a few months, then he will bring it up again, but then again, do nothing.  It is fine with us if he keeps working and doesn't  go to college...we are not pushing him to go to college,  and honestly I am not sure he would be successful there as school was not easy for him, but he seems lost and  we may be dealing with a bit of "failure to launch." I found a local life coach who works with people who have these issues, and gave him the contact info and encouraged him to call the coach, but he has not called him.   He has talked about moving out with his friends, but they just talk about it and don't actually do it. 

His room is a chronic mess and he has not changed his sheets in a few months, which is gross.  He brings plates of food to his room and does not bring them back to the kitchen as soon as we would like and this has been an ongoing issue.  That said, he is otherwise respectful.  We have no reason to believe he is drinking or doing drugs.  He has friends  that he hangs out with, and a new girlfriend.

DH and I are moving soon to a smaller house  (in the same general area) and had hoped he would have moved out by now. He says  he's scared to be out on his own,  but won't explain what exactly he's scared of.

How can I help my son take the next steps toward being independent?  Any advice welcome.

Please don't quote.

[fairfarmhand]

I just read a book on this called “failure to launch” it was really good.

i do think he needs to go back to therapy and I’d make that a condition of living at home.

is he happy with the situation as is? Where does he see I himself in a year? 2?years?

id also give him a date at which he will need to start paying rent, not because you need the money but because it’s time to do grownup things and he’s working enough hours that it’s time he learned to budget for that.

what are his expenses?

[maggie18]

Yes, he is already paying rent to us.

His expenses are his phone, his car insurance,  gas for his car,  repairs as needed for his car, rent, clothes, and miscellaneous like movies/eating out.

Good question for him about where he sees himself in a year. I suspect that when I ask him, he will say "I don't know" because that is what he usually says when I ask him a question.

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, maggie18 said:

Yes, he is already paying rent to us.

His expenses are his phone, his car insurance,  gas for his car,  repairs as needed for his car, rent, clothes, and miscellaneous like movies/eating out.

Good question for him about where he sees himself in a year. I suspect that when I ask him, he will say "I don't know" because that is what he usually says when I ask him a question.

Sorry I should have read your post more carefully.

i think it’s ok to move to a smaller home.

“son, we need to downsize. What are your plans?”

I think anxiety is what he’s probably struggling with. He may need to hear that its ok to work at his current job as long as he wants even if it’s not as fabulous as he may have pictured. Millions of people work at jobs they don’t love just to pay bills and that’s fine.

[fairfarmhand]

He may also need some handholding on “get an apartment”

son, is that something you really want to do? Great! Let’s look at the listings. Let’s look at 2-3 apartments this weekend.

He really may not have the tools to break down his steps to independence and anxiety may keep him trapped.

Edited January 24, 2020 by fairfarmhand

[maggie18]

Just remembered to add this-the last time he mentioned going to a certain school/trade program,  I asked him if he wanted help knowing the process and he said yes. So I emailed him a step by step list of what he would need to do to go to that school. And he didn't do any of the steps and hasn't t mentioned it again.  So we are trying to break down the steps for him, but then he does not follow through.

[Lori D.]

Several red flags there for anxiety and depression. That really needs to be addressed first. It may take major support and scaffolding from you. Does he have a physician? That might be the place to start. If he does, gently/firmly say: "It's time for you to schedule a thorough physical and bloodwork. When does making that phone call work for you this week?" then, "Great! I'll check back with you [the day after] for your appt. time to get it on the family calendar, and be available if you need any paperwork for that appt. from me."

Similarly for the life coach, you help him put a deadline on making the phone call. "Let's see what ideas a life coach might have that could help you feel less anxious and help you put together a plan of goals you'd like to accomplish. Here's the phone number. I know you have a busy schedule, but when this week can you work in making a phone call to make an appointment?" Wait patiently for him to come up with a day/time that works for him. "Great! I'll talk to you later in the evening on that day to see if there's anything you need from me to help out -- like, if you need a transcript, or list of your extracurriculars from high school, or anything like that. And, if the life coach assigns any "homework" of something to have thought through before coming in, I'm happy to make time to brainstorm with you, if that helps."

Sometimes, I think our young people get paralyzed, and we just have to gently/firmly guide them from one step to the next, with gentle deadlines. "I'll check back with you on Friday evening and we'll talk about _____________." Making it a regular weekly day/time to "check in" for accountability about whatever the young person is trying to move forward with helps with those struggling with anxiety and with executive functioning.

Hugs and patience! It's so hard when there are these strange invisible hurdles that seem to be holding our young people back.

[Lori D.]

12 minutes ago, maggie18 said:

Just remembered to add this-the last time he mentioned going to a certain school/trade program,  I asked him if he wanted help knowing the process and he said yes. So I emailed him a step by step list of what he would need to do to go to that school. And he didn't do any of the steps and hasn't t mentioned it again.  So we are trying to break down the steps for him, but then he does not follow through.

It sounds like he needs more accountability and gentle scaffolding to follow through. 

I had to actually schedule a weekly day/time with one of my adult DSs to help gently push him forward in trying to figure out what he was going to do about his future life/career. We set up a weekly day/time to "meet" (he was living at home and working), discuss interest in _____, and I'd say, "Great! Let's look at those steps right now together." We would look at them, and then I'd give a very gentle and reasonable thing for him to be accountable for the next "meeting": "So, it looks like these first 3 things on the steps are pretty straightforward, but they have to happen during business hours. When can you schedule to do those things this week?" Wait for him to take ownership by picking a day/time that worked for him, and then say: "Great! So when we have our next weekly "convo", you can share your progress and what you learned, and we can discuss what comes next."

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It was slow going and I made the "steps" and requirements super gentle and incremental -- but was firm on that regular meeting for accountability. It seemed to be what DS needed to get "unstuck". Wishing you all the BEST in finding what helps your DS move forward! Warmest regards, Lori D.

[gardenmom5]

food would be forbidden in bedrooms - period.

I would also strongly encourage him to do some sort of job training to develop a marketable skill. some programs are as short as six - nine months.   generally people with no skills go into sales, most do poorly.

[Pen]

1 hour ago, maggie18 said:

Just remembered to add this-the last time he mentioned going to a certain school/trade program,  I asked him if he wanted help knowing the process and he said yes. So I emailed him a step by step list of what he would need to do to go to that school. And he didn't do any of the steps and hasn't t mentioned it again.  So we are trying to break down the steps for him, but then he does not follow through.

 

 

He may need much more help in each follow up step.  

Maybe ask him if he’s ready for you to help with next steps on that.  

Or rather start with help on the very first step!    

 

 

 

itsmymove.org  

Annie e Casey foundation

and some other sites like that

have materials to help transitioning to independent living  (particularly intended for foster care teens, but can apply more broadly) 

 

yhough out of date in some parts, the late Marian Latzko has wonderful books on independent living  — once again can’t do links on Wtm, but you can search on Amazon and some of her books can be found free now as PDFs     They include step by step how to find an apartment, how to clean things... 

 

 

[maggie18]

Wow, thank you all so much. I appreciate every response and really  value the advice! 😊

[TechWife]

A 20 yo with ASD living at home is not a failure to launch. A more realistic timeline is the 25-26 yo range, if at all, from what I have gleaned from my research. Also, when they do launch, it looks different than the "average" person launching. He may need more support than your other children did, and he may always need support. Even in the highest-functioning category, a person with ASD is different than a neurotypical person. Please do some reading on teens and adults with ASD so that you can know more of what to expect. I say that with a lot of respect for your situation, as I have an almost 23 yo son with ASD. He is holding down a job and paying bills, and that is fantastic - don't sell him short. He may need the structure of living at home.

Someone up thread mentioned getting a coach for him, and that is a good idea only if the coach has experience and a track record of successes working with people who have ASD. Otherwise, it could unnecessarily frustrate everyone and be expensive to boot.

I'm kind of giggling at the "give him a deadline" comments - deadlines mean nothing to my ds. Often the natural consequences of missing a deadline are easier than the anxiety of meeting a deadline.

Anxiety is common in people with ASD - this is why I think you need to do some reading. To learn what is common and what isn't . ASD can be disabling.

The fact that your son sought out testing is wonderful - he is engaged in his own well-being. Testing is informative in that it shows us what is going on and gives direction for what needs to be addressed. The harder steps come after - addressing things.

You probably realize this, but your son will always have ASD. There are skills he can learn to help with communication issues, executive functioning and anxiety, for example, but he will always have to consciously employ those skills - it isn't going to come naturally to him. He will hopefully get to the point where it is routine to employ those skills, but they aren't a natural part of who he is. For example, for me, I naturally make lists. I don't even think about it.  He's going to have to think about it. His step one for doing many tasks is going to be "make a list," whereas for me, that isn't part of the task, but is something I might or might not do before I even get started on the task. He may need step by step lists for many things - like cleaning his room. You said it's very messy. He likely doesn't know where to start. Putting dirty clothes in a hamper/basket can make a big difference in the way a room looks and smells, but if he doesn't see that it needs to be done ( and he probably doesn't) - then it won't be part of "cleaning his room." At nearly 23, we routinely tell our DS - you need to wash your clothes today, you need to change your sheets today, etc.. If he had a calendar with these things written on them, he'd loose the calendar. Everyone is different.

Two book recommendations  for both you and your son:

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood

Preparing for Life The Complete Guide for Transitioning to Adulthood for those with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome by Jed Baker

[Carol in Cal.]

I think he is doing OK for his age.

Lauching per se might not be realistic for a few more years.  He is going to have to learn the life skills as well as the job skills that he does not have already.  That means that thinking about making dinner starts from recipes and a list and shopping and having pots and pans and and and...no wonder it’s overwhelming!  (Aside—I once went out with a guy who was in grad school who invited me over for dinner.  “I hope you like pizza,” he said, “It’s the only thing I know how to make.”  He was not kidding about that, and since he did not know the difference between ‘bake’ and ‘broil’, we had pizza with white, soft dough underlying burnt toppings.  He was living on his own’ but I don’t know how.  He was about 25.  

Another guy I knew complained about this Same problem so I made him a list of herbs and spices to keep on hand.  He said that one night he went to the store and bought frozen dinners and soda and the next he bought a whole shopping cart full of seasonings and the clerk thought he was really weird.  He was also somewhat personally outraged that food spoils.  It seemed so unfair to him.)

But I digress.

Others have spoken well about scaffolding, and I want to reiterate that he does not sound abnormal, and I think your time table might not be realistic.  Having said that, wanting to be on his own might not really occur to him or it might not be the drive that it was for me.  I was absolutely frantic to be independent but not everyone feels that way, and so a combo of scaffolding and a truly natural deadline might be needed.  But I think it’s too early to downsize and that the focus should be scaffolding.

[hippiemamato3]

I honestly don't know any 19 year olds who are working full time and fully independent and living on their own. Cost of living is super high in the north east where we live, so that may be a part of it. But I truly feel your expectations may be a little unrealistic. 

[Storygirl]

I have a teen son with ASD, ADHD, and other things as well, and if he is steadily employed at age 20, I will be thrilled. If you read employment statistics for people with ASD, you will find that getting hired and holding down a job is a huge concern, so the fact that he is successful in that area is a big deal. Having friends, having a girlfriend, having a good social life -- all big deals!!

I would encourage you to read about ASD, even though he didn't get the diagnosis, because another evaluator might have given him the diagnosis with those results. Young adults on the spectrum often need an extended launch period, with lots of extra help. You can gently but firmly set some goals with him about keeping his room clean. Presumably your house is going to be on the market soon, since you are planning a move, and so you can use that as a reason that he needs to step up in this area, which will make it less like a personal criticism to him. You can say that you know it's not his strong area, so you are willing to give him an incentive. Perhaps give him a small rebate on his rent each week that he accomplishes his room cleaning goals, or make another incentive that will appeal to him. Having an incentive can be really helpful, when the person doesn't have an internal motivation for a task.

If he makes enough money to pay for rent on an apartment, and if you think he has the other skills needed to live on his own, you could let him know that he needs to be living on his own once you are in your smaller house. But I would be wary of this, personally, because it could send a message that he is not welcome any more, and that could make handling things worse for him, instead of better, especially if he has anxiety.

I think going back into counseling to help with these transition issues would be an excellent idea. He needs support, but it doesn't all have to come from you, and it probably shouldn't all come from you. We find it most helpful to have a team.

[vmsurbat1]

5 hours ago, TechWife said:

A 20 yo with ASD living at home is not a failure to launch. A more realistic timeline is the 25-26 yo range, if at all, from what I have gleaned from my research. 

This.  Our Aspie, while not living at home, stayed living in the dorms (for 5 years!), slowly making progress in his studies, moved into an apartment all on his own, graduated, got a job (software engineer), moved into an even better apartment, and is doing well.  So, for him it took until age 28 that I felt he was truly launched.  In so many ways he is just now at the place his siblings were in their early 20s, but you know what?  It doesn't matter in the scheme of things.  He's matured SO VERY MUCH;  I'm amazed and thrilled that he is regularly going on business trips.  They are sent in teams, and he is the go-to tech guy. 🙂

I think Lori D's advice was spot on.  And, above all, let him know (in whatever way is meaningful to him) that he is loved.  Not that you don't, but sometimes our young adults don't see that we do.

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, vmsurbat1 said:

Our Aspie, while not living at home, stayed living in the dorms (for 5 years!), slowly making progress in his studies, moved into an apartment all on his own, graduated, got a job (software engineer), moved into an even better apartment, and is doing well.  So, for him it took until age 28 that I felt he was truly launched.  In so many ways he is just now at the place his siblings were in their early 20s, but you know what?  It doesn't matter in the scheme of things.  He's matured SO VERY MUCH;  I'm amazed and thrilled that he is regularly going on business trips.  They are sent in teams, and he is the go-to tech guy. 🙂

 

 

Our Aspie ds is similar to yours - lived in the dorms, got a good job after graduating with a computer science degree, and is living in an apartment now.  Business trips would be hard for him and he doesn't drive - his apartment is within walking distance to work and shopping.

Do you live near your Aspie son?  This is an issue for us.  He's all alone and we feel like we should move to be close to him, but don't really want to live in the city he is living in.  I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.  

 

[DawnM]

Following as we are having some struggles with our Aspie, he is "taking a break" from college, but does talk about returning.  But isn't doing anything right now. (but talking! LOL)

[Lori D.]

5 hours ago, TechWife said:

...I'm kind of giggling at the "give him a deadline" comments - deadlines mean nothing to my ds. Often the natural consequences of missing a deadline are easier than the anxiety of meeting a deadline.

Anxiety is common in people with ASD - this is why I think you need to do some reading. To learn what is common and what isn't . ASD can be disabling...

Thank you. Good points. My suggestions were from what worked with a DS with anxiety and paralyzed by being overwhelmed with how to even think about moving forward -- he is not ASD. Sorry I dd not make that clear. 

[kbutton]

I have a 15 y.o. with ASD, ADHD, and expressive language delays (common on the spectrum). My son has some issues problem-solving (while in some areas, he's an extraordinary problem solver). I think your son sounds like he's doing extremely well but struggles with envisioning the future and with open-ended tasks. Even in areas where you see steps, it's still open-ended when talking about "potential" life decisions.

Also, while he could have a little anxiety/depression, some of what he's saying could be thinking out loud or a way of soliciting input. My son is getting better, but he didn't know how to ask questions. He found workarounds for this, so it didn't seem that stark, but truly, he mostly would just make statements and wait for people to respond to them. Depending on the context, he might be expecting us to infer from a series of statements that there was an unknown in there and fill it in (and we did--we were used to this, lol). Other times, he's waiting for someone to raise an objection, such as telling him it's a bad time to do x or y. I know several adults with strong spectrum traits that routinely say things, often even shocking things, with the hopes that people will chime in with a guiding response or make a decision for them.

At that age, I was in college and not fully launched either. I lived at home during the summers. I changed my major multiple times--that was nerve-wracking. It was very frustrating, and I am neurotypical.

My son thinks quite a bit about his own strengths, weaknesses, and preferences and tries to envision his future. He is not college bound unless something unbelievably huge changes in a few years. He recently expressed some anxiety about the future (thanks to language work that has helped him verbalize SO MANY new things), and one of the issues for him was being alone and bored on top of just facing all the adult things at one time. He is unusually capable for a 15 year old (one of his ways of coping with things he can't control is to become competent at things), but at the same time, he has areas he's not as mature. It was really sobering to me to find out that someone who has all the skills he has is still worried vs. confident about the future, but I can understand that he's afraid all those separate pieces will not come together to make him fully functional. And honestly, that's a true possibility with ASD--he could have all the parts and pieces of being an adult without really being able to use them together.

Anyway, we reassured him that we are more than happy to negotiate these things with him, and he doesn't have to leave right away. He was visibly relieved as if he just put down a big physical burden. I might feel differently if he were difficult to be with, but most of the time, he's a really easy person to live with (easier than all but one or two roommates I had over the years). 

On the room thing, some landlords insist on periodic walk throughs, from what I understand. Maybe in addition to working on some specific skills with him, you can set up some walk throughs, and as he learns the new skills, you can use those as a checklists for the walk throughs. 

I am really bothered that he met criteria for ASD and did not receive a diagnosis. 

[AngieW in Texas]

All three of my kids are at home and likely to remain living with me up until they find relationship partners.

My 26yo has Asperger's, OCD, ADD, and chronic depression. The psychiatrist thought bipolar type II was possible instead of ADD and depression but ultimately decided that it was probably ADD and depression instead because the ADD meds actually help instead of making things worse. She didn't finish her university degree, but she did go back to cc this past summer to finish out an associate's degree. She has had a cashier position at Office Max for three years now. It is part-time (20-30 hours/week). I'm just thrilled that she has a job and has been able to keep that job for several years. There is only one other employee at the store that has been there longer than she has. She doesn't do well on her own (like when she was at university) because she spirals into a depression and stops taking her meds, which makes her depression much worse. She has regular responsibilities around the house that she completes each week, pays for her own gas, health insurance, and car insurance, and contributes money each month for common expenses. She pays her own medical bills (monthly psychiatrist appointment and medications). I tally up the common expenses each month (electric, water, cable/internet, phone, groceries) and let her know what her share is that month. She actually only has about $200/month left over for spending money after paying her expenses. She really can't live on her own.

My 24yo has Asperger's and MOG antibody disease. She finished her university degree but is much more Aspie than my oldest, so employment has been more difficult. She works as a custodian at HEB and works 32-40 hours/week. She had to go on medical leave for three months when her immune system attacked her spinal cord and left her unable to actually do her job. After she finally got appropriate treatment (first neurologist was incompetent and sent us to an orthopedist who sent us to a physical therapist who sent us to another neurologist who finally did an MRI and then transferred her to an MS specialist), she regained most of what she had lost. She still has numbness in her hands that will probably never go away but she can tell where her arms and hands are without looking at them again. She owns her own car and pays all of her own bills. She also pays her share of the common expenses. She is actually capable of living on her own, but there isn't any reason for her to live on her own and spend all her money on her own place to live when we can all live together in our house. She can also wake up any morning blind and/or paralyzed and that condition could be either temporary or permanent, so I'm not exactly eager for her to live on her own. She has made it through two illnesses since her MOG diagnosis without having an attack, so I'm not feeling as nervous as I was about this really crappy diagnosis of a condition that doesn't have a cure and could cause major physical disability at any time.

My 21yo is still going to university. They have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, OCD, and PTSD along with chronic depression. They have had a handicapped parking placard for the past year which has really helped a lot. The first university they attended didn't want to comply with ADA and everything was a fight. They were home for one year after that and then went to the cc for one year to complete an associate's. Now they are attending a local university again. They can only handle 3 classes/semester (which is actually full-time at this university because every class is 4 credit hours) because EDS is such a strain. They had a part-time job while attending the cc but they can't handle a job while attending their university because they courses are so much more rigorous. They can't live alone unless they pay someone to come do the things they are physically capable of doing. They can put clothes in a washing machine, but can't get them out afterwards. Picking things up off of the floor is extremely difficult. They dislocate 10-12 times on a good day. On a bad day, they have to do the best they can not to move at all because any movement causes dislocations. They are in constant pain and have been in constant pain for the past 6 years and the pain will never go away. Despite all of this, they still manage to do a lot. They had surgery this past summer which reduced their pain quite a bit. It's amazing how removing nearly 2 pounds from your chest reduces your overall pain.

So I expect my kids will be very likely to live with me until/unless they find lifetime partners. And I'm fine with that. We make a great team together.

[Pen]

On 1/23/2020 at 4:40 PM, maggie18 said:

Yes, he is already paying rent to us.

His expenses are his phone, his car insurance,  gas for his car,  repairs as needed for his car, rent, clothes, and miscellaneous like movies/eating out.

Good question for him about where he sees himself in a year. I suspect that when I ask him, he will say "I don't know" because that is what he usually says when I ask him a question.

 

He’s doing quite well in many ways.  Largely self supporting at a stage when many kids are still wholly paren supported.  

Do you already have your downsize home picked out and he won’t fit?  

[vmsurbat1]

11 hours ago, Kassia said:

Do you live near your Aspie son?  This is an issue for us.  He's all alone and we feel like we should move to be close to him, but don't really want to live in the city he is living in.  I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.  

 

We do not live anywhere near him; in fact, we live on a different continent.  Believe me, the year he went off to university, I was praying fervently for him and would not have been surprised if he was home for good by October.....  However, he moved to a city where we knew people, so he did have *some* people in his life which helped ease the transition.  Our son also drives, so that puts him in a different category than your loved one.

I must say, as I can see other posters have mentioned, that he does not live alone.  He went from the dorms to a 2bdr apartment, sharing with someone else--strictly a business arrangement (California rents are $$$$$$).  He found his placement off a site called roommate.com (Or something like that).  They weren't friends, but weren't looking to be friends; just someone to share the rent with who was reliable and reasonable. Having met his apartment-mate, that fellow was probably also on the spectrum. ;-) My son only moved on because the other fellow was planning to marry.  Now, DS is in a lovely 3bdr. house, sharing with two other guys (working professionals).  (I have no idea how he found this arrangement, but I was impressed.)  So again, not alone, but not having to work to maintain relationships after getting home from work either.  I suppose it does help that he's always been fairly neat and tidy one--making him a good housemate.....  

Is your son feeling lonely? Or is that just your concern?  I mean, I certainly have that concern about my son, but I've come to realize that for the most part, he's pretty happy with life right now.  He's enjoying his work and they seem to value him (I'm so grateful).  He goes off hiking, but on his own.  He'll take in a movie on his own.  (None of which *I* would do alone).   He does have online buddies and I know those are meaningful to him.    I keep him encouraging him to join a club, church, or Meet-up to find irl people that share his interests, but so far, he's keeping to himself and seems satisfied and fulfilled.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.....

 

[Kassia]

7 hours ago, vmsurbat1 said:

 

Is your son feeling lonely? Or is that just your concern?  I mean, I certainly have that concern about my son, but I've come to realize that for the most part, he's pretty happy with life right now.  He's enjoying his work and they seem to value him (I'm so grateful).  He goes off hiking, but on his own.  He'll take in a movie on his own.  (None of which *I* would do alone).   He does have online buddies and I know those are meaningful to him.    I keep him encouraging him to join a club, church, or Meet-up to find irl people that share his interests, but so far, he's keeping to himself and seems satisfied and fulfilled.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.....

 

 

Thank you for your reply!  I don't know if he's feeling lonely.  He's really all alone, though, so my concern is what will happen if he gets sick or injured and needs help.  That's the main reason why I feel obligated to move near him even though it's not where we want to live.  

I'm glad your son is doing so well!  What a relief for you - it seems like he's really thriving.  

[maggie18]

We have a home that we like picked out and there is room for him to move with us,  and after reading the responses, I have a new perspective and new ideas.  I think part of my issue is that I have heard  a  lot about "failure to launch" and was feeling pressured to help him move out.  But I think we need to work with him on learning more life skills first and encouraging him to seek out that life coach (or requiring it).  He hasn't  wanted to consider meds for his anxiety,  but I think they would help him. I tend to forget that with his ADHD,  that means developmentally he is about three years behind emotionally, and then you add in the "maybe ASD,"  which of course compounds it.  When we met with the psychologist who did his eval, he told us that he is right on the border of being on/not on the spectrum, and that he could have  10 other evaluators test him and 5 would say he is on the spectrum and 5 would say he isn't.  He told us in person that he thinks our son IS on the spectrum, but when we got the written report, it said he has "Other Specified Neurodevelopmental Disorder: Criterion A of Autism Spectrum Disorder" along with "Unspecified Depressive disorder."  Also change is really hard for him (which is so common for people on the spectrum) and so he is not happy that we are selling our house and moving, even though he is welcome to,  and planning on, moving with us. I think it is easy for me to almost forget about the "invisible disabilities"-if someone uses a wheelchair,  you literally see their struggles, but for someone who has these other disabilities, it can be easy to minimize or almost forget about  the impact of them on their day to day functioning.  I am grateful to all of you for your perspectives and thoughts!

Edited January 25, 2020 by maggie18
typos

[Pen]

19 minutes ago, maggie18 said:

We have a home that we like picked out and there is room for him to move with us,  and after reading the responses, I have a new perspective and new ideas.  I think part of my issue is that I have heard  a  lot about "failure to launch" and was feeling pressured to help him move out.  But I think we need to work with him on learning more life skills first and encouraging him to seek out that life coach (or requiring it).  He hasn't  wanted to consider meds for his anxiety,  but I think they would help him. I tend to forget that with his ADHD,  that means developmentally he is about three years behind emotionally, and then you add in the "maybe ASD,"  which of course compounds it.  When we met with the psychologist who did his eval, he told us that he is right on the border of being on/not on the spectrum, and that he could have  10 other evaluators test him and 5 would say he is on the spectrum and 5 would say he isn't.  He told us in person that he thinks our son IS on the spectrum, but when we got the written report, it said he has "Other Specified Neurodevelopmental Disorder: Criterion A of Autism Spectrum Disorder" along with "Unspecified Depressive disorder."  Also change is really hard for him (which is so common for people on the spectrum) and so he is not happy that we are selling our house and moving, even though he is welcome to,  and planning on, moving with us. I think it is easy for me to almost forget about the "invisible disabilities"-if someone uses a wheelchair,  you literally see their struggles, but for someone who has these other disabilities, it can be easy to minimize or almost forget about  the impact of them on their day to day functioning.  I am grateful to all of you for your perspectives and thoughts!

 

👍

Is he getting outdoors? Sunshine, exercise, nature...?

Good nutrition and sleep?

 

How about a breathing or meditation type way of dealing with anxiety?

Nutrient type supplements like inositol, B vitamins, N acetyl cysteine? 

 

A friend of mine has an invisibly disabled adult  son (in his 30s?) who still lives with her and her husband.  The son has worked and done other things, but even if he had moved out would have needed a lot of support. 

They now have a situation where the Dad has brain cancer and having the son at home has turned out to be a huge help.

The current Wrstern model with kids moving out at 18 or so isn’t the only one possible—and probably not particularly a common one from a whole history of humans perspective.  

 

[maggie18]

I think he is eating reasonably well. I don't think he is getting enough sleep because he hangs out with his friends (especially on weekends) until late and has to get up early on Sat. mornings to  go to work. He is outside for 10-11 hours a day working (construction).  Good idea about the breathing/meditation piece...I will suggest he put an app on his phone and try doing that.  He takes Vit C and a multivitamin.

[Pen]

Nm

Edited January 27, 2020 by Pen

[maggie18]

I am not sure what you mean about English assignments or not getting work turned in? He has already graduated from high school.

[Pen]

1 hour ago, maggie18 said:

I am not sure what you mean about English assignments or not getting work turned in? He has already graduated from high school.

 

So sorry I was posting , so  I thought, on an EF issues related thread about a 15 yo!  

Somehow ended up here instead!

I’ll try to move my posts to correct spot and delete from here .  

Or if I cannot just ignore those. 

[maggie18]

No worries! I was just confused, LOL!

[Pen]

3 minutes ago, maggie18 said:

No worries! I was just confused, LOL!

 

I’m glad you asked though or I would not have realized I’d been on wrong thread.  I wonder if That’s often happened without my realizing it!