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Ktgrok

If one of your kids has the flu

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If one of your children about 8 yrs old tests positive for the flu, and is VERY ill,  you know she's been sick for about 24 hours, and your other child has been in close contact with the sick one, would you send the sister who is not sick yet over to play with the neighbor kids - knowing they often are touching/wrestling/in close contact when they play - without giving the other family a heads up that someone has Flu?

After all the kids were playing together the mom told me that the other daughter was inside because she's been sick since the day before, just really miserable, and tested positive for flu. She apparently thought NOTHING of sending her likely carrier child over to play with my kids - including my 2 yr old. And that is KNOWING that 1. my son has an autoimmune disease that literally causes inflammation of the BRAIN if he gets sick  AND my husband was just in the hospital for a blood pressure crisis so having flu go through our house would be a very not good thing. 

Some of us have flu shots, some don't for various reasons, and even with one we of course know it isn't absolute protection, so to me that's not a relevant factor. 

I just can't imagine she doesn't realize that her other daughter is VERY likely to come down with the flu, is likely contagious already, and it is in poor taste to send her over to play! 

I get that she shouldn't keep her form school, obligations, etc but there is NO need to send her over to play with my kids! It was already almost dark, we were just out for a quick play time before bed, and now I'm having every one shower and change clothes and dosing with elderberry and Vitamin D. Ugh. 

She's a REALLY nice person, but this is not the first time this has happened - she has done it when there is a stomach virus going through the house as well. 

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Since this is the second time this has happened, I would have a talk with her about it. 

We had a similar situation a long time ago and I did tell the mom that it was incredibly important that if any of her kids were sick, she needed to quarantine all of them away from my kids or at least talk with me BEFORE they played together. We got the stomach virus on Christmas eve because of that family and I was pissed.

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I'd be so pissed off. And no I would never do that. Sorry you have to worry about this.

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I just saw this is the second time it has happened. I'd honestly have to ask every single time my kids played with hers if someone was sick in the house. She has broken a level of trust.

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12 minutes ago, sassenach said:

Since this is the second time this has happened, I would have a talk with her about it. 

We had a similar situation a long time ago and I did tell the mom that it was incredibly important that if any of her kids were sick, she needed to quarantine all of them away from my kids or at least talk with me BEFORE they played together. We got the stomach virus on Christmas eve because of that family and I was pissed.

You know, that's a good idea. I'll wait a while, so it isn't obvious, and say something to her like, "hey, we had the check up for DS7, and his doctor really stressed the importance of avoiding illness as much as possible. She said even if someone else in the family is sick, they are contagious enough that it could be a danger to him - so if you guys have any illness go through the house just let me know and we'll keep the kids away until everyone is well"

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10 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I just saw this is the second time it has happened. I'd honestly have to ask every single time my kids played with hers if someone was sick in the house. She has broken a level of trust.

Yeah, last time she sent one kid over while the other was home puking, and one or both of the parents had it too. 

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I talked with a mom with 4 children about this and she said, "But we would never get out of the house!" "Um, well, but what about the people who are exposed?" She didn't really answer. 🙄

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4 minutes ago, Sallie Mae said:

I talked with a mom with 4 children about this and she said, "But we would never get out of the house!" "Um, well, but what about the people who are exposed?" She didn't really answer. 🙄

Well, and if other people also didn't send THEIR contagious kids out to play maybe her family would stop catching so many things!

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So...I’m bit hard-nosed about this LOL.

I had a “friend” with triplets that invited my boys over a couple of days before New Year’s Day.  She is the type of mom that always has her kids playing with other kids - I think so she doesn’t have to deal with them.  Anyway, 2 days after playing with them, DS1 throws up.  Just once, but it was bad.  He still had a fever amd was very lethargic.  2 days later, DS2 threw up 8 tmes in 3 hours.  At least this kid made it in the bucket.  High fever and then threw up several more times over 2 days.  Then I got it.  Miserable time for all of us...my DH was taking care of all of us.  Fast forward 3 weeks and I’m having lunch with this mom.  She tells me how deathly ill with a stomach bug they were while out of town for Christmas with her family.  How they were all throwing up on the car ride home.  She invites my boys over the next day 🤬🤬🤬🤬.  I was so pissed off!!!  She had done this in the past with colds.  That was the last straw for me as I couldn’t trust her.

I always either cancel if they are really sick or let people know and let them decide if we have a cold going around.  And I expect the same consideration.  My boys just had a mild case of flu (undiagnosed) and I just spent 6 days with a fever, cough, and congestion from officially diagnosed flu.  It is miserable!!! If a neighbor did to me what yours did to you, I would decline all play dates for a while and, when she eventually asks what is going on, tell her she has broken your trust in this area twice and your not exposing your kids to their yuck!!  Sorry...too bad!!

I do hope ya’ll don’t get it!!!  You have enough going on!

 

 

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No, I would keep all my children home. Myself too. DH would still go to work as long as he wasn't showing symptoms. 

However, I know many people like this. I learned when the kids were little to quiz kids when they came over during this time of sickness, and I sent them back home if I didn't like the answers. I started this when my neighbor sent her just diagnosed strep throat child over to play at my house - and I was very pregnant with our second child. What was she thinking???

Even if one of us just has a cold, and we have a get-together scheduled, I let the other family know so they can decide if they want to get together or wait until another time. 

I tend to avoid people who don't show me the same courtesy. And I prefer to meet them outside if at all possible. 

I do hope no one gets it in your house. Personally, I'd get some elderberry syrup and start dosing everyone in the house as a preventative measure. 

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I absolutely would not have play dates with any seemingly well children of mine, if one had the flu (or any other contagious illness). I just don’t get why some people don’t understand how this stuff works!!! If I wanted to have a continued relationship with this family, then I’d have the talk suggested above with her and hope she complies in the future. 

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1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

Well, and if other people also didn't send THEIR contagious kids out to play maybe her family would stop catching so many things!


Was this play outside?  I wouldn't have sent my kids out to play in that circumstance, but I do think that being outside is somewhat protective.  We're kind of on lockdown here because one of my kids is really vulnerable.  I don't let other kids in my house, or let my kids go into other people's houses to play, but I do let my healthy kids play with friends outside, since the risk of germ transmission is less there.  

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If anyone in our family is sick, we try to hunker down as much as possible. I mean, DH would still go to work if he's not sick. Or one of us might need to run to the grocery store. But pretty much everything else gets put off if possible.

Frankly, I don't know if I would trust them after this. I would certainly be asking a lot of questions before any possible get-togethers.

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23 minutes ago, Bambam said:

No, I would keep all my children home. Myself too. DH would still go to work as long as he wasn't showing symptoms. 

However, I know many people like this. I learned when the kids were little to quiz kids when they came over during this time of sickness, and I sent them back home if I didn't like the answers. I started this when my neighbor sent her just diagnosed strep throat child over to play at my house - and I was very pregnant with our second child. What was she thinking???

Even if one of us just has a cold, and we have a get-together scheduled, I let the other family know so they can decide if they want to get together or wait until another time. 

I tend to avoid people who don't show me the same courtesy. And I prefer to meet them outside if at all possible. 

I do hope no one gets it in your house. Personally, I'd get some elderberry syrup and start dosing everyone in the house as a preventative measure. 

As soon as we walked inside I had them wash hands with soap and water,  dosed everyone with elderberry syrup, and then sent them to take showers. However, we were around the same child yesterday, not knowing about the illness in the family. We did wash hands when we came in as they were playing in the grass/dirt and it was dinner time, but no shower or anything. And they were literally rolling around int he grass playing together. 

At least they were outside. 

22 minutes ago, mmasc said:

I absolutely would not have play dates with any seemingly well children of mine, if one had the flu (or any other contagious illness). I just don’t get why some people don’t understand how this stuff works!!! If I wanted to have a continued relationship with this family, then I’d have the talk suggested above with her and hope she complies in the future. 

Yeah, avoiding them entirely would be hard - they live literally across the street. So the kids see each other outside all the time. 

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1 minute ago, CuriousMomof3 said:


Was this play outside?  I wouldn't have sent my kids out to play in that circumstance, but I do think that being outside is somewhat protective.  We're kind of on lockdown here because one of my kids is really vulnerable.  I don't let other kids in my house, or let my kids go into other people's houses to play, but I do let my healthy kids play with friends outside, since the risk of germ transmission is less there.  

Yes, thank goodness. And although sometimes they sit and have a snack together outside, they did not do that yesterday or today. They were sharing scooters and such though. Sigh. 

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1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

You know, that's a good idea. I'll wait a while, so it isn't obvious, and say something to her like, "hey, we had the check up for DS7, and his doctor really stressed the importance of avoiding illness as much as possible. She said even if someone else in the family is sick, they are contagious enough that it could be a danger to him - so if you guys have any illness go through the house just let me know and we'll keep the kids away until everyone is well"

Or you could have the talk right now and not try to hide the connection. "I'm sure you didn't mean to, but by letting little Susie come play at our house while your older one has the flu, my family was exposed and with all of the medical issues going on in our house, I need to be extra careful about what we're exposed to. In the future, if anyone in your family is sick, I would really appreciate it if you talked to me before allowing the kids to play together."  

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3 minutes ago, sassenach said:

Or you could have the talk right now and not try to hide the connection. "I'm sure you didn't mean to, but by letting little Susie come play at our house while your older one has the flu, my family was exposed and with all of the medical issues going on in our house, I need to be extra careful about what we're exposed to. In the future, if anyone in your family is sick, I would really appreciate it if you talked to me before allowing the kids to play together."  

With most people that is exactly what I would do. With her, she'd overreact, get really upset, and it would cause all sorts of issues. And her husband is worse. To keep the neighborhood drama down and my life less crazy it would be better for me to wait. 

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1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

You know, that's a good idea. I'll wait a while, so it isn't obvious, and say something to her like, "hey, we had the check up for DS7, and his doctor really stressed the importance of avoiding illness as much as possible. She said even if someone else in the family is sick, they are contagious enough that it could be a danger to him - so if you guys have any illness go through the house just let me know and we'll keep the kids away until everyone is well"

Good idea, but you probably will have to continue to mention it or specifically ask during cold and flu season.  If she’s willing to send her not-yet-sick-but-likely-to-be-soon kid over, she doesn’t sound like someone who is going to remember your plea a few months from now. Or maybe even a few weeks from now. 

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2 minutes ago, Annie G said:

Good idea, but you probably will have to continue to mention it or specifically ask during cold and flu season.  If she’s willing to send her not-yet-sick-but-likely-to-be-soon kid over, she doesn’t sound like someone who is going to remember your plea a few months from now. Or maybe even a few weeks from now. 

Truth. 

I bet my best bet is going to ALWAYS ask if I only see one kid. And if that one says the other is sick, just send her home. 

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Oh em gee. I would be beside myself. Come on, people... how hard is it to understand how illnesses spread?!

Maybe spreading germs genuinely doesn't occur to some people (BUT... WHY NOT??)... or maybe they simply don't care about other people getting sick. 

I got a stomach bug after a New Year's get together, and one of the families there had recently had a stomach bug go through the whole family. They prepared homemade food, kids were all putting their hands in all the food bowls... yuck. These are super nice people, so I was surprised they didn't forewarn anybody.

You would think with Dr. Google, people would know at least the basics of germ transmission. (I think I know too much now... eek!)

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9 minutes ago, Mainer said:

Oh em gee. I would be beside myself. Come on, people... how hard is it to understand how illnesses spread?!

Maybe spreading germs genuinely doesn't occur to some people (BUT... WHY NOT??)... or maybe they simply don't care about other people getting sick. 

I got a stomach bug after a New Year's get together, and one of the families there had recently had a stomach bug go through the whole family. They prepared homemade food, kids were all putting their hands in all the food bowls... yuck. These are super nice people, so I was surprised they didn't forewarn anybody.

You would think with Dr. Google, people would know at least the basics of germ transmission. (I think I know too much now... eek!)

I know!

What is crazy is the other day she wanted my DH to take a look at her laptop that wasn't working, and brought it over. I didn't realize she'd be bringing her kids with her and I  told her that one of my kids had had an upset stomach and had fallen asleep early the night before, but that i was pretty sure it was his celiac - we had ordered out the night before and he probably had a gluten exposure but I couldn't be sure. She got all panicked and told her kids not to touch anything, etc because she couldn't afford for them to get sick or for her to miss school. 

And yet a week later and she thinks nothing of sending her kid with flu germs on her over to play with my kids! I'm starting to think maybe she really doesn't know that you are contagious before you show symptoms?

 

 

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5 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

And yet a week later and she thinks nothing of sending her kid with flu germs on her over to play with my kids! I'm starting to think maybe she really doesn't know that you are contagious before you show symptoms?

I guess it's possible. It seems weird to be worried about germs from other people, but clueless about your own germs. I think you're going to have to spell it out for her over and over and over, like someone else said. How annoying. I would always be paranoid around her family after this. 

Now the word "germs" sounds so weird in my head!

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The mom with the 4 children I was talking too was a thoughtful person in all other areas, but somehow, having to stay home due waiting for germs to run their course, seemed too much to ask. I take the "buck stops here" approach. I don't know where got it, but I'm going to do what I can to make sure no one catches it from us.

I wanted to ask , "Haven't you watched any movies?! You know, the ones that show how a super virus spread thru a city, country, world?! Watch the movie!"

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2 hours ago, Sallie Mae said:

I talked with a mom with 4 children about this and she said, "But we would never get out of the house!" "Um, well, but what about the people who are exposed?" She didn't really answer. 🙄

 

I hear that too, sometimes irl, sometimes Wtm.  Thing is, if family is healthy and being careful themselves, most of the time most of family should be well, not sequentially with always at least one person in family sick . 😲 Makes it seem like they should be looking into if their family has poor immunity, poor hygienic practices...or something.  I spent time as a kid often living with s family of 8 kids plus extras like me.  Mostly everyone was well.  🤔

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I wonder if some of this is a homeschool vs. brick and mortar school thing.  As a teacher, and a parent who sent my kids to school, I very much had the attitude that germs happen. We were constantly exposed to something, so if I didn't let my kids play outside when they'd been exposed to something, they'd never play outside.  Plus, if they didn't play outside, the kids they were protecting by doing so would still be exposed at school, whether by my kid or someone else, because they were all sort swimming in the same cesspool of germs.  

Basically, I assumed that once something was in the community, they'd be exposed, and we did other things, like handwashing and good nutrition, to try and keep that exposure from turning into an illness. 

Now, of course, I  have a very vulnerable kid, so I'd like everyone to take lots of precautions, but I know it isn't realistic, so I take as many precautions as I can, which starts with not sending my other kids to school or most activities, and that means that suddenly I do worry that my kids will play outside with someone who is exposed because it might be my kid's only exposure to that germ.  I do ask people to let us know if people in their family are sick, so we can make appropriate choices, and most people do.  There are also families I don't trust where I ask every time.  

I will say that for the actual flu, or something similarly severe, I'd probably have kept siblings indoors even before this, but generally no 

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10 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I hear that too, sometimes irl, sometimes Wtm.  Thing is, if family is healthy and being careful themselves, most of the time most of family should be well, not sequentially with always at least one person in family sick . 😲 Makes it seem like they should be looking into if their family has poor immunity, poor hygienic practices...or something.  I spent time as a kid often living with s family of 8 kids plus extras like me.  Mostly everyone was well.  🤔

We get sick a lot.

The air itself is the primary vector for many viruses, so anytime you are in a place with lots of people you are at risk. My kids are in dance. And tumbling. And martial arts. And theater. And church activities/religious education. For many, many hours a week. That's nine of us, exposed every single week to shared, enclosed, dry airspace with hundreds of other humans. The only way to limit exposure to germs would be to wear a mask all the time.

I admit to cringing everytime I hear someone cough or sneeze in the same room I am in but there isn't anything I can do about all those nice new droplets in the air for me to breath in.

We don't keep everyone home if someone has a cold, we would literally be quarantined most days in a year.

I do keep people home when a stomach bug is going through the house--those are miserable. And absolutely for known influenza.

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2 minutes ago, maize said:

 

We don't keep everyone home if someone has a cold, we would literally be quarantined most days in a year.

I do keep people home when a stomach bug is going through the house--those are miserable. And absolutely for known influenza.

Yeah, I don't expect people to keep everyone in the family quarantined for a mild cold in one family member. But for serious illness, such as flu, avoiding non essential things like purposely sending your kid to the neighbor's house to play...yeah. 

(and I get you are agreeing with me)

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I haven't had this trouble with neighbors, but we had this issue with respite situations in foster care a lot.  People would lie to my face that no one in their family was sick, after I had explained we had medically fragile kids in the house, and then AFTER we cared for their kid would admit someone was just diagnosed with the flu.  I literally stopped taking all respite situations during flu season except from a handful of friends I trusted because I figured out I couldn't trust any of them.  Not foster parents I didn't know well, definitely not social workers (except for two). 

I'd have trouble not giving her a quiet but firm lecture right now, even if it did cause drama.

Said a prayer your kids don't get sick.

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1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

Yeah, I don't expect people to keep everyone in the family quarantined for a mild cold in one family member. But for serious illness, such as flu, avoiding non essential things like purposely sending your kid to the neighbor's house to play...yeah. 

(and I get you are agreeing with me)

 

Yeah.  Talk to her about it.

 

1 hour ago, maize said:

We get sick a lot.

The air itself is the primary vector for many viruses, so anytime you are in a place with lots of people you are at risk. My kids are in dance. And tumbling. And martial arts. And theater. And church activities/religious education. For many, many hours a week. That's nine of us, exposed every single week to shared, enclosed, dry airspace with hundreds of other humans. The only way to limit exposure to germs would be to wear a mask all the time.

I admit to cringing everytime I hear someone cough or sneeze in the same room I am in but there isn't anything I can do about all those nice new droplets in the air for me to breath in.

 

 

Masks?   Wash hands?  

Some people report help from things like daily cod liver oil ...   some from vitamin C, A, D, minerals like zinc...  

many probably agree that it’s pretty hopeless 

 

Idk

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7 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

Yeah.  Talk to her about it.

 

 

Masks?   Wash hands?  

Some people report help from things like daily cod liver oil ...   some from vitamin C, A, D, minerals like zinc...  

many probably agree that it’s pretty hopeless 

 

Idk

Masks would probably help but, unless you live in a society where they are common such as Japan or you are on chemotherapy or something wearing a mask all the time would have significant negative social implications.

Hand washing only helps with transmission via touch, does nothing whatsoever for germs riding on dust or water droplets through the air. 

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I have to admit, I have mixed feelings about this.  When our kids were young, it never occurred to me to keep our healthy children home because a sibling was sick.  In fact, I don't know of a single family that did that.  The first time I ever heard of anyone doing that was here.  So, if one sibling was sick, the healthy ones still went to school, or to sports, or to music lessons, or to birthday parties.  The neighbor kids still got together and played.  And I'd go to the grocery store even if all of my children were sick, and my dh still went to work.  

Obviously, if I knew of a family that had a child (or any family member!) with a compromised health condition or low immunity, I'd keep my kids away from them.

And being at the other end, it wouldn't occur to me to keep a child from playing with my children because they had a sick sibling.  

I'm not saying the way I handled it was best...  It's just the way it was when we were raising our young children.  Life is full of little risks, and maybe getting sick now and then helps build up immunities in the long run, I don't know.  (Maybe I'd feel differently if I had young children today!)

 

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I used to have a family across the street with two type 1 diabetic daughters. I  always notified her of any illnesses before our kids played and let her make the decision. Other than this family, I don't think I notified anyone else of possible cold like illnesses in sibs. For the flu or stomach bugs....I suppose I would consider it, but my family isn't prone to those illnesses, so I don't remember that circumstance coming up. Illnesses don't seem to run through our family though. Each kid would get sick at different times, but not generally the same illnesses. They were always in different schools  and activities, so I suppose their immunity/exposure was different. 

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40 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I have to admit, I have mixed feelings about this.  When our kids were young, it never occurred to me to keep our healthy children home because a sibling was sick.  In fact, I don't know of a single family that did that.  The first time I ever heard of anyone doing that was here.  So, if one sibling was sick, the healthy ones still went to school, or to sports, or to music lessons, or to birthday parties.  The neighbor kids still got together and played.  And I'd go to the grocery store even if all of my children were sick, and my dh still went to work.  

Obviously, if I knew of a family that had a child (or any family member!) with a compromised health condition or low immunity, I'd keep my kids away from them.

And being at the other end, it wouldn't occur to me to keep a child from playing with my children because they had a sick sibling.  

I'm not saying the way I handled it was best...  It's just the way it was when we were raising our young children.  Life is full of little risks, and maybe getting sick now and then helps build up immunities in the long run, I don't know.  (Maybe I'd feel differently if I had young children today!)

 

I think in the past we were less aware that people were highly contagious right BEFORE getting visibly sick. So we thought if they were not coughing/sneezing/etc they were not contagious, so why keep them home. We know now that they ARE very contagious then, and given how contagious the flu is, and what close contact these two sisters have, it's likely she's contagious. 

And the mom knows DH was in the hospital until 3am Saturday morning and knows my son has an autoimmune illness that flares when he gets sick, or even when he is fighting off an illness - I've told her multiple times. 

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I think she should have given you a heads up and let you decide if you wanted the kids to play or not.  She easily could have said "Kid 1 is home with the flu, but so far Kid 2 shows no symptoms. We've love to play outside, but understand if you'd like to postpone a few days".  Maybe you would have said yes, maybe you would have said no, but it would have been your call.  Instead, she decided for you that her family's flu virus was no big deal. 

We know a family that we avoid during cold and flu season because they've "Oh by the way'-ed us too many times about things like pink eye and strep. 😠

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3 hours ago, Pen said:

 

I hear that too, sometimes irl, sometimes Wtm.  Thing is, if family is healthy and being careful themselves, most of the time most of family should be well, not sequentially with always at least one person in family sick . 😲 Makes it seem like they should be looking into if their family has poor immunity, poor hygienic practices...or something.  I spent time as a kid often living with s family of 8 kids plus extras like me.  Mostly everyone was well.  🤔

 

I know of some families where the kids are always sick with something, and it makes you wonder what the heck is up.  Then there are other families I know -5 kids, everyone is in martial arts and grappling with other random kids, yet the family is rarely ill. 🤷‍♂️ 

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1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

I think in the past we were less aware that people were highly contagious right BEFORE getting visibly sick. So we thought if they were not coughing/sneezing/etc they were not contagious, so why keep them home. We know now that they ARE very contagious then, and given how contagious the flu is, and what close contact these two sisters have, it's likely she's contagious. 

And the mom knows DH was in the hospital until 3am Saturday morning and knows my son has an autoimmune illness that flares when he gets sick, or even when he is fighting off an illness - I've told her multiple times. 

I think this goes back to a b&m school vs homeschool ideal. I don't know any family keeping non-symptomatic/healthy kids home from school because their other kid is sick even given we know people are contagious before symptoms.

And honestly, I hate to say it, but during cold & flu season, your DH was probably exposed to more gunk at the hospital than your daughter with one neighbor kid. If anyone picked up anything anywhere, I'd assume it would be him from the ER waiting room and triage room.

I totally get how you feel, though. I'm a homeschooler in a neighborhood of public school kids and an infant at home. I only have been letting my kids play outside, not bringing neighbor kids in our house, not in other houses. Church, ballet, and an hour a week at homeschool PE are giving me palpitations.

Edited by EmseB
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Under the conditions you described, I wouldn't encourage our kids to play together, though I would not keep my kids inside.  I would probably tell my well kids to play outside but stay away from your kids.

This year's flu bug sounds pretty bad, so that would influence my decision.  But normally, in my world, all the kids are going to be exposed sooner or later via school, so a regular illness like cold or flu would not result in quarantine of the whole family.  However, when I know someone's kid has immunity issues, I am very careful.

Maybe she forgot or it didn't register that your child has autoimmune issues and what that means for her choices.  I agree with reminding her about it.

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I generally try to give people a heads up, even though two of my kids are in public school and I do take a sort of “germs happen” mindset because of that. 

But especially when I know there is an immunity problem of some sort I try to be vigilant.  Like the time we ended up having to reschedule my dd’s Birthday get together with her best friend. One of my sons had a cold, and her friend’s mom was helping with care of a family member with a premature baby. They didn’t want any chance that something would make it home to that baby.

my sister and I let our germy little kids play together all the time at family gatherings but we try to give each other a heads up anyway. Usually it’s just colds, though. 

At Thanksgiving i was pretty upset that DH’s cousin brought her child with strep, until I found out she didn’t start showing symptoms until the trip was already underway. They stopped and went to ER and she had started antibiotics but i was worried it hadn’t been long enough and that her sister was pre-symptomatic.  I was super paranoid, wiping down surfaces and doorknobs in a house that wasn’t even mine, but really, we didn’t get strep, so to me it was worth it. 

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7 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

I know of some families where the kids are always sick with something, and it makes you wonder what the heck is up.  Then there are other families I know -5 kids, everyone is in martial arts and grappling with other random kids, yet the family is rarely ill. 🤷‍♂️ 

There's been research into the effects of elevated cortisol (our stress hormone) and increased likelihood of becoming sick when exposed to a pathogen. Cortisol can be elevated either because of circumstancial stressors such as unemployment or because of an underlying inclination towards anxiety.

My family seems to have all the anxiety genes, which probably isn't helping us stay well.

It's a vicious cycle as inflammation in the body makes anxiety worse.

And the thing that helps my kids most with anxiety? Lots of involvement in activities.

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What gets me is that she took the time to have the child swabbed and diagnosed, so there was no room for, "maybe this is a cold or food-poisoning" Obviously she clearly knew exactly what it was.

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A cold?  I would probably send well kids outdoors to play and not think anything of it.

The flu? I'd at least mention it to the family, particularly if I know they had family members with immune issues.

Stomach bug? Totally wouldn't send kids outdoors to play with other kids without telling the other mom. 

These are younger kids? I'm more vigilant about avoiding younger kids with illness in the family than older teens. 

I have welcomed older teens to my home knowing that a family member of theirs had the flu and the kids had gotten over it about 5 days earlier. But older kids are generally better about hygiene so I was decently confident that they'd be considerate of others. 
But we don't have immune issues in the family.

We are friends with lots of larger families so avoiding every single germ that might go through a family means that we'd go all winter without seeing those friends. Now when I had babies and toddlers, that would have been worth it to not be sick. But now that my kids are older, it isnt' as big of a deal. One kid will get a bug and can be sick without contaminating the whole house. 

I do feel like it's good manners to tell moms with younger kids if someone has been ill with anything beyond the common cold and that goes double for people with immune problems.

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It depends. If the illness is especially bad or if the friends have medically complex kids, no I would not send a still-healthy kid over to play. It also depends on the ages of my kids and the ages of the friends. Little ones tend to share their germs much more liberally than older kids so I can usually assume all my little kids will get each other sick. But my teens and tweens can isolate themselves in a room and keep their germs to themselves. And if still-healthy teens and teens go out, I expect they aren't putting their mouths on other people's stuff. Because little kids ARE gross like that. 

Illness happens. I understand that a lot of times kids are contagious before they show symptoms. But I do wish people would be a little more cautious. Not only that, I wish parents would let sick kids stay home and rest. I think it's easy to give them fever reducers and then think they are just fine for public because they feel better. I'd rather let the fever run its course and have kids rest at home. They seem to get over illnesses faster that way.

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10 hours ago, EmseB said:

I think this goes back to a b&m school vs homeschool ideal. I don't know any family keeping non-symptomatic/healthy kids home from school because their other kid is sick even given we know people are contagious before symptoms.

And honestly, I hate to say it, but during cold & flu season, your DH was probably exposed to more gunk at the hospital than your daughter with one neighbor kid. If anyone picked up anything anywhere, I'd assume it would be him from the ER waiting room and triage room.

I totally get how you feel, though. I'm a homeschooler in a neighborhood of public school kids and an infant at home. I only have been letting my kids play outside, not bringing neighbor kids in our house, not in other houses. Church, ballet, and an hour a week at homeschool PE are giving me palpitations.

Yeah, I would send to school too, as it is an obligation, but I wouldn't encourage random play. 

and a few people asked, yes, the child in question is in kindergarten, and mine are 2 yrs, 1st grade, and 4th grade. I totally agree that it is different with adults and teens who are less likely to be snotting on each other. 

 

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5 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Yeah, I would send to school too, as it is an obligation, but I wouldn't encourage random play. 

Do these other kids go to school?

I guess that as a parent who sent my kid to school, my kids were generally playing with the same or overlapping groups of kids at school and in the neighborhood.  So, if I sent my kid to school and potentially infected people there, it didn't seem to make much sense to keep them out of soccer or choir practice because those kids were already exposed, either by my kid or by whoever exposed my kid or by someone else my kid exposed.  And then keeping them inside and not letting them out to play with those same kids seemed kind of pointless.

I'd like to think that it would have registered that the homeschool family was somewhat separate from that germ sharing, and still could be protected, especially if I knew that their kid had an autoimmune condition, but I can see how with some families would need you to be super explicit about this.  

Now that I'm the homeschooling parent with the immunocompromised kid, I have found I need to be very specific about what I need.

5 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

and a few people asked, yes, the child in question is in kindergarten, and mine are 2 yrs, 1st grade, and 4th grade. I totally agree that it is different with adults and teens who are less likely to be snotting on each other. 

 

 

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1 minute ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

Do these other kids go to school?

I guess that as a parent who sent my kid to school, my kids were generally playing with the same or overlapping groups of kids at school and in the neighborhood.  So, if I sent my kid to school and potentially infected people there, it didn't seem to make much sense to keep them out of soccer or choir practice because those kids were already exposed, either by my kid or by whoever exposed my kid or by someone else my kid exposed.  And then keeping them inside and not letting them out to play with those same kids seemed kind of pointless.

I'd like to think that it would have registered that the homeschool family was somewhat separate from that germ sharing, and still could be protected, especially if I knew that their kid had an autoimmune condition, but I can see how with some families would need you to be super explicit about this.  

Now that I'm the homeschooling parent with the immunocompromised kid, I have found I need to be very specific about what I need.

 

That makes sense, and helps me be more understanding. They do go to school. Now, it doesn't explain why she is so careful when it is MY kids that have been sick, lol, except she always phrases it as she can't afford to miss school (she's getting her radiology tech degree), and since I don't go to school or work I guess I can afford to have my kids sick?

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On Saturday night two of my college kids went to a friends house. One of the other guests had three family members (dad, mom, brother) down with a serious illness. She got sick Sunday morning. Two of the other guests are now sick. Her mother is a respiratory therapist at a hospital, and her dad is trained as an EMT. My son lives at college with the two guests that are sick now, so I texted her mom to find out more about what they had. She told me they have never been through anything like this before. I can’t imagine why she sent her daughter to this gathering when there were three seriously sick people in her house that she had been exposed to. I will not be happy if my guys get sick.

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49 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

That makes sense, and helps me be more understanding. They do go to school. Now, it doesn't explain why she is so careful when it is MY kids that have been sick, lol, except she always phrases it as she can't afford to miss school (she's getting her radiology tech degree), and since I don't go to school or work I guess I can afford to have my kids sick?


I wonder if you need to be very clear with her.  Tell her that you have special circumstances and you need X and Y.  When we withdrew my other kids from school, specifically because of concerns about them bringing germs home we sent an email to my other kids' classmates parents, their teammates' parents, and our neighbors that basically said "this is what we need from you" and included letting us know if anyone in their family had symptoms so we could keep our kids away on that list, avoiding us in public places if you've got symptoms in the family etc . . . .  And it has worked.  People have called to tell me their kid has a cold, so I can say "if you see Johnny, tell him you can't play today".  I've been outside walking the dog, and seen a friend walking her dog who I'd usually walk with and she's yelled, "Henry's got the flu so I'm going to keep my distance."  But that's mostly since we sent the email.  Previously, even though I thought it was obvious that we would be concerned about germs, people didn't think to do that. 

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I think a heads up is best no matter what the age, school status, or personal attitude toward germs.  Play dates and party attendance etc are not necessary and can be skipped if the household is ill.  If a household is ill my thought is for those still well to get good rest once commitments are met.  I don't think school attendance and playing are at the same level, kwim?

 

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