Delaying college? (ASD issues also)

[Janeway]

There seems to be a building feeling at our house that we should not discuss college with oldest son anymore and should instead, expect him to get a job when he graduates high school and potentially learn some skills until he is more interested in college. Here is the basic problem...he is in public school now. He is in the top 10% of his class. He was one point short on the national merit selection index score from being NMSF, but he is commended. He is not excited about college. He has no interest in majors or discussing plans for the future. He has ASD. He intends to declare philosophy as a major, but hates things like class discussions, socratic seminars, and in class writing. In fact, he hates these things so much that his current IEP says he does not have to do them. But the only majors he has seriously considered has been writing or philosophy. He has gotten in to every college he has applied to, and gotten scholarships. He has some big social skills deficits. By social skills, I do not just mean in the making of friends. I am talking tone of voice when speaking to people. He comes off as flippant when I do not think he really means it this way. 

If he delays college, I assume that means that in the future, he will end up having to do the entire application process over again. I assume it would only become more difficult to get recommendations at that point. He has not owned the process of applying or picking colleges to look at. He is a very book type person and not an outside of the box kind of person.  He clearly needs to get unstuck and we are very concerned if we throw him in to college this fall, it will just become an expensive disaster. 

Any opinions or advice?

[Janeway]

2 minutes ago, kand said:

Do you think you could make good use of this year to help him shore up some skills and gain some maturity and then he might be ready the following year? If so, he could accept at the best choice college for him and then request a deferral for one year. Working for a year might help him be in a better place to start college. Or he could take a break to work and then do an associates degree at a community college, and if that goes well, transfer to a four year. The latter is what my super smart, high stats, but adhd and highly anxious kid has done.   

I was thinking of autism specific counseling and my husband wants him to work on computer skills. We also thought if he tried to hold a job, it might bring him down to earth when it comes to majors. Philosophy could be fine if he had a long term plan, such as library science. He has none.  He also needs to learn to be able to speak in a group if he wishes to major in philosophy.

[catz]

Regardless, I would pick your favorite college/best FA deal and defer for a year.  Almost every college will do that these days for academic programs (not for auditioned programs we learned).  And see where he is at the end of the year.  If he's not ready, that is fine.  You can always reapply.  But that may give him the option

Really there is no shame if he could steppingstone to a job/CC while getting better supports at home.  Better that then launch him far and have him struggle and possibly pull out.  Which I do know families who pushed too early and had to step back after a false start launch to college.  And I suspect it took longer to turn it around after that.  6 months of a menial job could make a big difference in being willing to hoop jump.  

My kid had a fantastic dual enroll experience at a CC.  He's at a university now and his favorite prof ever is still from the CC.  

[8filltheheart]

Our adult Aspie has now started and dropped out of school twice. The first time he refused to take the courses required for the degree that he thought were bogus and unnecessary. He had a 3.8 GPA and zero a academic struggles, just his own obstinacy. He went back after working fulltime for 6 yrs, attended for an a academic yr, had a 4.0 GPA, and dropped out again. This time bc he doesnt want the stress of the responsibilities that come with the career.

He is currently working at Lowes. It suits him and he is happy. Job stress is not something he is willing to cope with and we can't force him to do what he is unwilling to do.

Unless they are willing to be responsible for their decisions and accept that they have to conform to rules, they makea rough road for themselves.

Edited January 21, 2020 by 8FillTheHeart

[...................]

2 hours ago, Janeway said:

There seems to be a building feeling at our house that we should not discuss college with oldest son anymore and should instead, expect him to get a job when he graduates high school and potentially learn some skills until he is more interested in college. Here is the basic problem...he is in public school now. He is in the top 10% of his class. He was one point short on the national merit selection index score from being NMSF, but he is commended. He is not excited about college. He has no interest in majors or discussing plans for the future. He has ASD. He intends to declare philosophy as a major, but hates things like class discussions, socratic seminars, and in class writing. In fact, he hates these things so much that his current IEP says he does not have to do them. But the only majors he has seriously considered has been writing or philosophy. He has gotten in to every college he has applied to, and gotten scholarships. He has some big social skills deficits. By social skills, I do not just mean in the making of friends. I am talking tone of voice when speaking to people. He comes off as flippant when I do not think he really means it this way. 

If he delays college, I assume that means that in the future, he will end up having to do the entire application process over again. I assume it would only become more difficult to get recommendations at that point. He has not owned the process of applying or picking colleges to look at. He is a very book type person and not an outside of the box kind of person.  He clearly needs to get unstuck and we are very concerned if we throw him in to college this fall, it will just become an expensive disaster. 

Any opinions or advice?

 

I don't know....do any of the colleges have support groups and programs for kids with ASD?  That seems like a good option too.  Though his social skills are lacking, does he make friends with people that have his same interests?  Would he be active in joining clubs?  I have a cousin with some pretty serious ASD/he's actually dx'd with full on autism.  Horrible people skills, terrible eye contact, and definitely hates group work as well as public speaking. But he just takes on everything as if it were a job to do, and he does it.  He is about to graduate from University of Florida Engineering with a Mechanical ENg degree and already has a job lined up at a big aerospace company in FL.  He has friends, he found other "quirky, geeky" people like him in college, and he did great.  He still does not drive, as he finds it very stressful, so he Ubers everywhere and uses busses and stuff...there are issues but he has done very well.

My own oldest ds doesn't have ASD but he has a few sensory issues and is "quirky" and likes unusual things like board games and getting into the Engineering house has meant that he has met lots more people with similar interests than he otherwise would have, if he had be in a regular dorm.

Does he know how to problem solve, take care of himself, use online resource to register for things, use instacart, doordash, apps for the Health Services, advocate for himself, and take care of his body and health issues (and he can text you a lot of course, you can help him even from afar.)....?  

 

 

[GoodGrief]

I don't have experience raising children on the spectrum (well, two of mine might be), but my husband almost certainly is on the spectrum as is my dad, so I do have some observations there.

My husband is never going to feel enthusiasm about something he has not experienced, and transitions are hard for him. Really hard. I read a study done with Dutch autistic men, and the quality shared by most of them was harm avoidance. That is certainly my husband, and he is very suspicious of the unknown.

The two daughters with some autistic traits did not transition extremely smoothly to college either. It was fine for the most part, but no one was enthusiastic about dorm room shopping.

I'm guessing that may be some of what is going on with your son. The idea of therapy specific to autism is not a bad one. Are those sorts of resources available in your area? Are there major hoops to get in the program?

He can defer for a year most likely, but typically you can't earn college credits during that year, so computer training would need to occur in some other format.

Does he want to delay? If the acceptances are in and you could avoid talking about it for a time, that might be the way to go. Maybe start thinking about it again in mid-March, but in the meantime quietly look to see what would need to be done if deferral is chosen.

 

[Lanny]

Delaying entrance  to a college or university will mean that whatever knowledge he has today, if he doesn't use it and/or progress with it, will gradually become forgotten. However, my belief (understanding) is that one can relearn something in about 25% of the time it originally took to master the subject.

Regarding the interest of the DH for the DS to study something about programming, I suggest looking on https://www.coursera.org/ at their most popular MOOC courses for Python and Computer Science.  

[Corraleno]

I agree with others who suggested deferring acceptance at whichever school seems the best choice, and taking a gap year. (Be sure to ask if they are willing to hold his scholarships for him as well.)

Is he at all interested in programming, or is that just something his dad wants him to do? I ask because there could be an interesting overlap between computer science and philosophy. For example, OSU offers philosophy courses such as logic, symbolic logic, advanced symbolic logic, ethics in computer science, ethics in engineering, philosophy of science, philosophy of logic, philosophy of language, cognitive science, etc., that would complement CS courses very well. Some colleges may even offer an interdisciplinary major that combines the two (I know Stanford has a really cool Symbolic Systems major), or they may offer a BA in CS with a philosophy minor, or vice versa. So that might be something to consider that could potentially combine his interest in philosophy with practical skills.