Just an update on my life post-divorce

[Home'scool]

So i have been officially divorced for one month. For the last 5 years I kept saying "When will this be over?!" and now (most) of it is. 

It feels weird even though I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in months. It's still an odd concept to me that I am no longer his wife, no longer a part of the couple that started when I was 18. 

I also went through a tough time around November because, as much as I thought I was working through things, I was spending too much time saying I was okay, joking that I wasn't getting divorced but was just "between husbands" and declaring that I have never been happier. That last part is true, I have never felt free-er or happier, but I still had work to do. I still had to finish mourning the death of my marriage. Holding things in is like squeezing toothpaste with the cap on. Thank goodness I have a great therapist who showed me that the cracks that were showing was really just the hard shell I had put up finally cracking under the stress and beneath that shell I would find a more peaceful mind. Up until that point I thought any cracks just showed that I was collapsing under the pressure.

Technically I am not yet out of the woods.  My ex has been sending the alimony payments regularly, which has been a miracle. However, he hasn't done anything else that was directed in the divorce decree though. He was supposed to handle transferring the 401K money, coordinate delivery of a grandfather clock that should go to me, and transfer the title of my car and payment information so that I can take over paying the monthly car payment. He hasn't done anything towards that. I tried to text him, and my sister (who was very close to him) texted and called him but we got no response. So now I have to file a contempt charge again. At least this time I have the power of the divorce decree behind me. 

I am also trying to figure out what to do job wise. Right now I love my job but it's about an hour commute. I would love to go down to a part-time job close to home but then I lose the health insurance that my company helps pay for. I would love some been there/done that advice from people who get their health insurance privately. I can afford the monthly payment and live comfortably just on the alimony, but I don't know if giving up a group health insurance is a wise move.

Our two daughters still do not speak with him. He texts them on Christmas or their birthdays but they aren't really interested in trying with him right now. He has SOOOOO much lying to answer for and so many bad decisions to take responsibility for that I don't know if they will ever get back on the same path.

My co-workers keep encouraging me to start to date, but I cannot even imagine ever trusting anyone, or answering to anyone, again. Right now I live with my sister and we are very compatible so I have company to go to the movies, go out to eat, vacation, etc. 

So, 2020 is a new year for me in a lot of ways. Good ways. Life is too short to be married to Satan. 

 

[Katy]

I'm sure lots of people will have a lot of advice regarding choosing private insurance.  I've always had it through jobs.  But I just wanted to say it sounds like your current coworkers are supportive, and traditionally after anything grief related everyone from counselors to accountants has advised me not to make any huge life changes (including dating) for at least 6 months. My guess is that would apply in this situation too.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Thanks for the update. I went through an awful divorce last year, and I am still waiting for a lot of issues to be resolved, so I feel your pain. 

I used healthcare.gov last year to get coverage. I think the coverage varies by state, but I found it to be very reasonable.

Edited January 7, 2020 by OH_Homeschooler

[Ottakee]

You can look at healthcare.gov and see what they offer. 

I am not the same situation but feel free to look at my blog.  I cover some of the feelings, emotions, hard things of this new life 

[fairfarmhand]

You know what? You may never want to be married or with a man again. 

It's okay. Our society often tells folks  that there;s something wrong with a woman or a man who is not interested in pairing off. But I know widows who are satisfied with singleness, and divorced people who just can't go back there again. Just because you had a bad experience with a man doesn't necessarily mean that you're ready to jump back in the pool and try again. I think it's harder for people who have been married since they were very young because they came of age WITH someone else. The rending is brutal and it's like a part of their adult life is torn apart. They must rebuild and figure out who they are on their own before they can be a good partner to someone else. Or it may never happen. Both my brothers are single, one from divorce another never married. They both seem really comfortable with their singleness for different reasons. 

Don't let those comments shame you or make you choose something that's not right for you. Take your time grieving and when the time is right, you will know. 

[GoodGrief]

FWIW, I'd probably avoid changing the job situation for a significant period of time, especially because it is something you enjoy, despite the commute. If it feels right to change it in a year, then head in that direction.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

You know what? You may never want to be married or with a man again. 

It's okay. Our society often tells folks  that there;s something wrong with a woman or a man who is not interested in pairing off. But I know widows who are satisfied with singleness, and divorced people who just can't go back there again. Just because you had a bad experience with a man doesn't necessarily mean that you're ready to jump back in the pool and try again. I think it's harder for people who have been married since they were very young because they came of age WITH someone else. The rending is brutal and it's like a part of their adult life is torn apart. They must rebuild and figure out who they are on their own before they can be a good partner to someone else. Or it may never happen. Both my brothers are single, one from divorce another never married. They both seem really comfortable with their singleness for different reasons. 

Don't let those comments shame you or make you choose something that's not right for you. Take your time grieving and when the time is right, you will know. 

I agree.  I have been married twice.  I am very happy with Dh, but if I find myself widowed I don’t think I would ever want another husband.  

[plansrme]

4 hours ago, Home'scool said:

He was supposed to handle transferring the 401K money,

 

 

Just a heads' up on the 401(k) distribution:  This likely will require that the court that handled the divorce issue a "qualified domestic relations order," or "QDRO."  If no one, however, has alerted the 401(k) trustee or custodian (Fidelity, Vanguard, the employer, or whomever) that a divorce is in the works, please do so ASAP to get a hold placed on the account.  This will keep him from taking a distribution or making a loan until a QDRO can be prepared.  Most plans will place a hold at any whiff of a divorce, so a copy of the divorce decree or, before the decree is issued, a copy of the filing, would be enough to justify the placement of a hold.  If the divorce requires him to pay for the QDRO, you can contact his divorce lawyer directly and ask about it.  A lot of plans have model orders that they want you to use, and if his plan does, use it.  If they will review a draft before the court issues it, send them a draft.  It will speed things up considerably.

[G5052]

Several thoughts:

In my area, the person receiving the money pays for and initiates the QDRO/Court Orders. Some financial institutions have their own procedures which require more of the owner's involvement.

Look at healthcare.gov and medical share programs for insurance as well as any professional associations or insurance companies you already do business with. The company I get my car insurance through offers healthcare, as does the company I get my professional liability policy through. Some of those sources even offer dental and vision. 

Don't feel ANY pressure to date. People who push that are either naive about your experience, or they feel uncomfortable that you are "uncoupled," as sad as that is.  There are plenty of divorced and widowed women out there who choose to remain single for perfectly good reasons. A therapist friend of mine tells her clients at least a year if not two before thinking about that. Refuse to be set up on dates if you don't want that. 

[PrincessMommy]

I'm rather surprised that people are telling you to get back in the dating game.  I've heard it is important to take some time to figure yourself out and let go of a lot of baggage.  Honestly, I would be concerned if a  newly divorced friend would want to get right back in the game. I would be concerned that they would make similar mistakes with a new partner choice.

Anyway, take your time.   Let yourself heal, you've been through a lot.  

Edited January 7, 2020 by PrincessMommy

[Rosie_0801]

Keep your job. You can rely on alimony only as long as he feels like paying it, and you don't know when he'll stop feeling like it.

Dating is weird. Most people aren't worth getting out of bed for, let alone back in. 😛 
Regaining the ability to trust is like the Buddhist detachment thing. Or that's how it's been for me, so perhaps that's where you can look for it later, when that job gets to the top of the to-do list.

[Harriet Vane]

I agree with Rosie about your job. Don't rely on living on alimony. You have a good job that you enjoy doing with people you like. Better to find ways to make the commute more palatable.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, PrincessMommy said:

I'm rather surprised that people are telling you to get back in the dating game.  I've heard it is important to take some time to figure yourself out and let go of a lot of baggage.  Honestly, I would be concerned if a  newly divorced friend would want to get right back in the game. I would be concerned that they would make similar mistakes with a new partner choice.

Anyway, take your time.   Let yourself heal, you've been through a lot.  

I agree in general but she has been separated for 5 years.  

[G5052]

On 1/7/2020 at 5:07 PM, Rosie_0801 said:

Dating is weird. Most people aren't worth getting out of bed for, let alone back in. 😛 

 

LOL. I've watched some of this from the sidelines, and uh...no. Many seem to do the online route and get involved too quickly, IMHO. 

A friend of mine has been divorced for seven years, and she told me once that she's not sure that she'll ever date again. She said that if she ever dates, it will be someone she already knows well. She does a lot of volunteer work and maybe someone through that? That sounds better to me. 

[Garga]

I like hearing your updates. It’s good to know that you’re getting through this and things are looking up, even if you still have processing/mourning to go through.  

I can understand why you wouldn’t want to date again. When I was young, I might have wanted to jump right back in, but as a more mature person now, I wouldn’t be in any rush.  Some people, young and old, just can’t bear the thought of being alone and they assume that no one likes being alone. They probably want you to date because they want you to be happy, and for them, being part of a couple makes them happy.  I’d realize they are just trying to find ways to make you happy and would be kind to them about it, because their heart is in the right place. 

But as another poster said, I would not let myself be set up on dates!

And like Rosie said, I wouldn’t rely on the alimony entirely. He could try to cut that off at any time and you’d want a paying job to fill in the gaps if he stops paying.  He’s not dependable and he might even wait until he hears that you’re not making as much money and then purposely stop paying at that point, just to hurt you.

Edited January 14, 2020 by Garga