Please help me adjust my attitude

[Ginevra]

I probably shouldn’t be saying this. I mean to just endure this hard bit and deal with it while it lasts but I feel like I’m taking a disproportionate amount of the concern. 

My MIL is staying with us for this month. I love her to pieces, so this isn’t one of *those* types of MIL problems. My issue is with her son, whom I feel should be thinking/caring/doing things he’s not really quite doing. I think what’s really going on is, it’s stressful to him for his mom to need so much attention, so his solution is...what? To try to be absent? To just sort of fiddle around in his garage while I hold the fort in here? 

As if to prove my post wrong, he just came in here and is, in fact, sitting in here and talking to her now. 😏 So, right at this moment, he is doing what I think he should. But earlier I was miffed because of a bunch of things...he was trying to fit rails on the toilet but the available rails don’t fit our toilet. So he was acting like, “Oh well, I guess we won’t have the rails then.” I’m like, “Look...on Amazon, would this one work? No? How about this one? I can order this with Prime and it will be here tommorow.” He was acting mad *at me.* I think it’s just the stress of her needing these things. So I want to adjust my attitude. I am pretty sure this pattern is going to repeat for the rest of the month. It could be a loooong month. 

 

[wintermom]

Is this guy your dh's brother? If so, let dh deal with it. Guys deal with stress differently than women, and your dh may understand the best way to interact with this man. 

Good for you to take in your mil for a month! That's very kind of you. 

[Guest]

Lol, no. Its my dh thats being a putz. I *wish* hewas being more like one of his brothers right now.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Seasider too said:

I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s a denial-related behavior, I think; it can be hard to process the true needs level of an elderly parent. 

I thought y’all had decided she was going to take up permanent resident with a different sibling?

She has been, and otherwise that has been working well, but that sibling sold her house and needs a month to clean out and move stuff. (This was her previous house, not the one where MIL was living with her. But she needs to be at her old house and clean out/move stuff.) 

[Arctic Bunny]

It is probably stressful that he can’t just fix it. And maybe it’s one of those times when it is easier to run away from it. My DH loathes sitting and talking to his mom. It is exhausting for him to make polite conversation with her. Maybe your DH assumes that you are just better at that part? Mine does, wrong though he is.

[wintermom]

30 minutes ago, Quill said:

Lol, no. Its my dh thats being a putz. I *wish* hewas being more like one of his brothers right now.

He's opened his home to his mom, though. That's something. It's really hard to understand a parent/child relationship from the outside. Good lord, if my mom came to live with me I'd be a mess and say and do all the wrong things. it would be embarrassing. 😉

Edited January 5, 2020 by wintermom

[catz]

It really is hard for some people to have someone else in their space for an extended period of time.  My mom stayed at our house for a couple weeks once and I almost went nuts.  I was inventing reasons to leave the house in the dead of winter with nothing to do.  I felt like I had to engage her constantly and I couldn't relax.  I'm pretty sure I'd fall into an anxiety/depression loop if one of our parents moved in with us long term.  

I'm sure having a mother that is aging and needs extra help is another element to process.  I'd make sure he has time and space to step away sometimes.  I'm sure as a bystander its super frustrating and makes you feel like you need to be "on" more too.  So everyone should practice good self care!  ❤️  

[regentrude]

How has he been relating to his mother before she needed to stay with her kids? Was he close? Did they hang out?

I am asking because in my experience, many men have very different relationships with their moms that we women. They genuinely don't see the need to sit and talk to their mothers to keep them company - while at the same time being great at taking care of bigger, important tasks for them.

My mom always had to remind my father that he call his mother. My DH never felt the need to call his parents to talk; he'd call infrequently out of a sense of duty. Heck, my son doesn't feel any need to call me and chat with me - totally different from my daughter.

Edited January 5, 2020 by regentrude

[Acadie]

I also have the spouse who checks out of our marriage when exhausted by HIS family, which leaves me in charge not only of our stuff but his parents.

Respite care for one month. That might be doable for you as a couple. Bless and support the relatives who are doing this before and after you!

It's not too much for you to ask your spouse to be present now--or for him to ask if you're able to fill in, if it starts to feel like too much for him. But his simply disappearing is NOT ok, and not something that he should ask of you. Perhaps he will be greatly relieved to hear you're up for covering if he asks, and tells you he needs a break. Perhaps you will be relieved to hear he'll ask for your help, rather than requiring it by disappearing without asking. 

It's less the elders' needs, and more that you two need to talk. And that it's hard, both the elders' needs, and the need to talk over everything.

Amy

[Selkie]

Could he be feeling ambivalent about having her stay at your house? I imagine it must be a daunting task to care for a frail, elderly person for a month, especially if you're not used to doing so and your house is not set up for it (I'm just guessing that's the case since you mentioned needing to install toilet bars).

[Bambam]

I'd try to sit down with him and explain you will need help with his mom. Can you guys make a list of things that need doing regularly and decide who will do what/when? 
Also, I imagine it is hard on a child to see their mom frail and not the strong take-care-of-them-person they were when he was a child. It is hard to see your folks age and grow weak and dependent - and also it brings home in a strong way that you may end up that way too. That seems to be harder for men to adjust to than women, IME.  And I'd sometimes go to him and say, look, sweetie, I need your help with XYZ. Can you please help? 

[Guest]

26 minutes ago, regentrude said:

How has he been relating to his mother before she needed to stay with her kids? Was he close? Did they hang out?

I am asking because in my experience, many men have very different relationships with their moms that we women. They genuinely don't see the need to sit and talk to their mothers to keep them company - while at the same time being great at taking care of bigger, important tasks for them.

My mom always had to remind my father that he call his mother. My DH never felt the need to call his parents to talk; he'd call infrequently out of a sense of duty. Heck, my son doesn't feel any need to call me and chat with me - totally different from my daughter.

He did relate to her quite a lot before, but the dynamic was different. Used to be he and a brother would go to her house in the mornings, because their businesses operated out of her house, and she would make them breakfast and the three would talk. Sometimes about business, sometimes about the world/politics, etc., but obviously, this was a different dynamic because she was competent for talking about these subjects and needed no help. 

But I do think he has an easier time doing things, like making soup for her, or, like right now, he’s talking to her about what he can make her for breakfast tommorow, then just being a companion to her. I also think he doesn’t think she needs as much help as she does need, or he’s in denial about it, because he would leave her alone and not think that could be a problem, whereas I am not willing to leave her alone at all. To me, it is the same as when I had toddlers. She cannot even stand herself up off our couch. 

Sorry that got rambly. 

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I'd try to sit down with him and explain you will need help with his mom. Can you guys make a list of things that need doing regularly and decide who will do what/when? 
Also, I imagine it is hard on a child to see their mom frail and not the strong take-care-of-them-person they were when he was a child. It is hard to see your folks age and grow weak and dependent - and also it brings home in a strong way that you may end up that way too. That seems to be harder for men to adjust to than women, IME.  And I'd sometimes go to him and say, look, sweetie, I need your help with XYZ. Can you please help? 

It’s not really like that, though. I mean, he knows what tasks are to be done and we will have additional help, both an occasional nurse and relatives coming by way of sign-up genius. I think more of it is he doesn’t think she needs as close oversight as I do and/or it sort of freaks him out or bothers him and he wants to avoid it. 

For instance, we have known she was coming for several weeks. There were tasks I suggested we had to accomplish: fitting the shower with a hand-held, getting the toilet rails, getting an audio monitor so we could hear her, etc. It just annoys me because he wasn’t doing anything about these tasks. I had to question him about putting in the shower hand-held. (He’s a plumber!) i was like, “When are you installing the hand-held?” He says, “Uuuugh, I’m not sure.” I said, “Is there a reason why not today?” He contemplated...”No, there’s really no reason I can’t today.” And so on. It’s nice he finally got it done but just...why do I have to bug him about it? Just frustrates me. It’s his mom, he should be breaking his brain on anything that might make this more feasible. 

And one minute ago, my phone alerted me with a reminder to give her her PM medicine and do her oxygen monitor. 🙄 I just wish it was on *his* phone...

[Annie G]

In our case, it was because dh hadn’t fully accepted the reality. And avoiding the nitty gritty enabled him to delay accepting that his mom was not the same person he’d known his whole life (she had dementia w Lewy bodies and also terminal cancer). We had to talk a WHOLE LOT to work through it. There were things he simply couldn’t do, and I did those things for her so he didn’t have to. But honestly, having him acknowledge everything I was doing for her made all the difference.  And he did make good progress doing things for her, which also helped me. But like I said, we had to talk a LOT. Like every night we talked in bed for at least an hour to decompress from the day and to help move forward. A therapist probably could have done it much faster. 
I hope the month goes smoothly and quickly and that dh makes progress with the whole situation. 

[gardenmom5]

Is he having a hard time psychologically dealing with a mother growing old and infirm? 

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Is he having a hard time psychologically dealing with a mother growing old and infirm? 

Without a doubt. She was a strong, sturdy farm lady. She was a bad-ass! No doubt in my mind it’s hard for him to accept that she cannot even stand herself up alone. 

[Bambam]

34 minutes ago, Quill said:

And one minute ago, my phone alerted me with a reminder to give her her PM medicine and do her oxygen monitor. 🙄 I just wish it was on *his* phone...

Why isn't it on his phone? I'd put them on his phone. At least I would with my dh - unless he works nights or something. I'd talk with him about this too. He needs to step up and help. Make one of his responsibilities. I have some people in my family who will just let me take responsibility for things that aren't really mine - because they know I will do them and do them correctly.  It sounds like you may be in the same situation. 

[Liz CA]

50 minutes ago, Quill said:

He did relate to her quite a lot before, but the dynamic was different. Used to be he and a brother would go to her house in the mornings, because their businesses operated out of her house, and she would make them breakfast and the three would talk. Sometimes about business, sometimes about the world/politics, etc., but obviously, this was a different dynamic because she was competent for talking about these subjects and needed no help. 

But I do think he has an easier time doing things, like making soup for her, or, like right now, he’s talking to her about what he can make her for breakfast tommorow, then just being a companion to her. I also think he doesn’t think she needs as much help as she does need, or he’s in denial about it, because he would leave her alone and not think that could be a problem, whereas I am not willing to leave her alone at all. To me, it is the same as when I had toddlers. She cannot even stand herself up off our couch. 

Sorry that got rambly. 

 

There may be grief of what is no more - the mornings of discussions, her independence, etc. Some people go to some length to avoid dealing with loss. I don't know if it would help to point out (subtly) things she still can do. If she is frail in body but her mind is sharp, they can still discuss world events, the business, the economy, etc.

[Liz CA]

18 minutes ago, Annie G said:

In our case, it was because dh hadn’t fully accepted the reality. And avoiding the nitty gritty enabled him to delay accepting that his mom was not the same person he’d known his whole life (she had dementia w Lewy bodies and also terminal cancer). We had to talk a WHOLE LOT to work through it. There were things he simply couldn’t do, and I did those things for her so he didn’t have to. But honestly, having him acknowledge everything I was doing for her made all the difference.  And he did make good progress doing things for her, which also helped me. But like I said, we had to talk a LOT. Like every night we talked in bed for at least an hour to decompress from the day and to help move forward. A therapist probably could have done it much faster. 
I hope the month goes smoothly and quickly and that dh makes progress with the whole situation. 

 

We need our "hug" smiley back. This had to have been very hard for both of you, not to mention your MIL.

[Annie G]

3 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

 

We need our "hug" smiley back. This had to have been very hard for both of you, not to mention your MIL.

Thanks. Yes, it was really hard, but it brought us closer together. I loved MIL but was never close to her until she got sick. As a result, I became very close to FIL, too. So even though it was awful, it really showed us all what love really is.  Dh has one sibling who also showed her true colors and today we have almost no relationship w her.  
 

 

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, Bambam said:

Why isn't it on his phone? I'd put them on his phone. At least I would with my dh - unless he works nights or something. I'd talk with him about this too. He needs to step up and help. Make one of his responsibilities. I have some people in my family who will just let me take responsibility for things that aren't really mine - because they know I will do them and do them correctly.  It sounds like you may be in the same situation. 

Because I’m the resident Executive Function person. 🙄 If one of our kids had had regular medication, it would have been on my phone. So this is like that. I was the one paying attention while the other sibling was detailing all these things: medicine, oxygen, fluid retention, compression socks, blood pressure, etc., etc., etc. So, I was waiting to see if “9:00pm” would mean anything to him, but it didn’t seem to be, so I brought out the medicine, etc. 

The bolded is...awfully familiar. 

[Garga]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

I probably shouldn’t be saying this. I mean to just endure this hard bit and deal with it while it lasts but I feel like I’m taking a disproportionate amount of the concern. 

My MIL is staying with us for this month. I love her to pieces, so this isn’t one of *those* types of MIL problems. My issue is with her son, whom I feel should be thinking/caring/doing things he’s not really quite doing. I think what’s really going on is, it’s stressful to him for his mom to need so much attention, so his solution is...what? To try to be absent? To just sort of fiddle around in his garage while I hold the fort in here? 

As if to prove my post wrong, he just came in here and is, in fact, sitting in here and talking to her now. 😏 So, right at this moment, he is doing what I think he should. But earlier I was miffed because of a bunch of things...he was trying to fit rails on the toilet but the available rails don’t fit our toilet. So he was acting like, “Oh well, I guess we won’t have the rails then.” I’m like, “Look...on Amazon, would this one work? No? How about this one? I can order this with Prime and it will be here tommorow.” He was acting mad *at me.* I think it’s just the stress of her needing these things. So I want to adjust my attitude. I am pretty sure this pattern is going to repeat for the rest of the month. It could be a loooong month. 

 

 

Men are weird.  

When my dh stayed in a hotel that had bedbugs, he poo-poo’d everything I said about how he might bring them home with him. “Ah...it’ll be fine. We won’t get them.  I brushed off my clothes.” Three months later, we had an infestation.  And now when we go to a hotel, dh is super vigilant about checking for bugs.

A boardie on here the other day talked about her kids having lice and her dh was poo-pooing what needed to be done to treat them (combing out the kids’ hair.). It wasn’t until the lice kept coming back that he finally realized he needed to step and comb the hair and then he was on board.

Men are just weird this way sometimes.  They simply don’t want to face something that’s real and obvious, but is difficult to deal with.  They like to act like it’s not actually happening, as if they’re sticking their fingers in their ears and singing “lalalala.”  

Those are the big examples I can think of, but this sort of thing happens a lot in my observations: a man sort of wafts about oblivious to things if it’s something complicated and he doesn’t feel like dealing with it.  Maybe it’s not just men...maybe it’s a personality type...I don’t want to bash men, but I do feel like I see it more with them.

No advice just yet, but I think it can be very normal for some people to act this way.  The part where you wrote about how he was going to give up trying to find the rail for the bathroom seems to fit this scenario.  Suddenly, it’s just all too complicated and he would rather hope the problems just disappear rather than grab them by the horns and solve them.

Edited January 5, 2020 by Garga

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

 

There may be grief of what is no more - the mornings of discussions, her independence, etc. Some people go to some length to avoid dealing with loss. I don't know if it would help to point out (subtly) things she still can do. If she is frail in body but her mind is sharp, they can still discuss world events, the business, the economy, etc.

I’m sure there’s grief for those losses, yes. 

She does have some dementia and can/does discuss world events, but she can’t follow the logic of a conversation very far. She may parrot details of something she heard on the news, but she’ll pretty much stick to exactly what she heard. 

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, Garga said:

No advice just yet, but I think it can be very normal for some people to act this way.  The part where you wrote about how he was going to give up trying to find the rail for the bathroom seems to fit this scenario.  Suddenly, it’s just all too complicated and he would rather hope the problems just disappear rather than grab them by the horns and solve them.

Yup. It was *exactly* like that. 

[Jaybee]

I've seen a similar thing with my dh's family. He has several brothers and a sister. So all the dils in the family (and the daughter, I suppose--we live a long way off so I don't know the details) seemed to see the parents' decline much more clearly than the sons, and kept mentioning how bad things were getting and how this or that needed to be done. The sons would discuss changes in them that they saw sometimes, but never seemed to take it as seriously or be in much of a hurry to change anything. They would get defensive if pushed on it. The parents now do seem to be getting the care they need, but if the dils had been in charge, it would have happened more quickly.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

It’s not really like that, though. I mean, he knows what tasks are to be done and we will have additional help, both an occasional nurse and relatives coming by way of sign-up genius. I think more of it is he doesn’t think she needs as close oversight as I do and/or it sort of freaks him out or bothers him and he wants to avoid it. 

For instance, we have known she was coming for several weeks. There were tasks I suggested we had to accomplish: fitting the shower with a hand-held, getting the toilet rails, getting an audio monitor so we could hear her, etc. It just annoys me because he wasn’t doing anything about these tasks. I had to question him about putting in the shower hand-held. (He’s a plumber!) i was like, “When are you installing the hand-held?” He says, “Uuuugh, I’m not sure.” I said, “Is there a reason why not today?” He contemplated...”No, there’s really no reason I can’t today.” And so on. It’s nice he finally got it done but just...why do I have to bug him about it? Just frustrates me. It’s his mom, he should be breaking his brain on anything that might make this more feasible. 

And one minute ago, my phone alerted me with a reminder to give her her PM medicine and do her oxygen monitor. 🙄 I just wish it was on *his* phone...

It is total denial because it is all too painful.  
 

you are a good wife and a great DIL. 

[Garga]

Sometimes I think my abilities to do all the EF things that neurotypical people can do, cause my dh and ds17 (who both have ADHD) to have self-doubt and a lack of confidence in themselves around me. I’m not being mean to them or anything, but I’m simply able to do things in a way that they’re not, and they notice it.  I think it intimidates them on some level.

I’ve also noticed that when I indicate that something is too much for me to handle on my own, they’re happy to jump in. They brighten up at the thought that they’re needed.

The next time you notice your dh giving up too soon and wanting you to solve the problem, you can ask him for his help and let it kind of hang in the air.  Like, “Dh! We’ve got to get those rails in for Mom.  But there are jut so many choices on Amazon and I just don’t know which one to pick. Which ones do *you* think we should get?”  

You don’t have to lay it on thick. Just simply ask him for his advice instead of taking it over for yourself. And instead of saying, “How about this rail...how about that rail?” turn the laptop toward him and gesture at all the choices and let him be the one to scroll through and figure it out.  Let him take over and be The One With The Answer.

I think it’s hard to be the person without good EF, living with someone who has good EF, because it’s inevitable that the person without good EF will feel like a screwup around the person with the good EF, so they don’t even try anymore.  Asking for direct help on specific issues won’t solve all your mental load problems, or help your dh deal with the new reality about his mom, but you could push a bit of the problem solving off to him (like the above about the rails.). 

It feels a little manipulative, but saying the words, “I don’t know what to do...what do *you* think we should do,” is what works in my house. My dh tends to quickly pick up the slack when he feels like he is the Solver Of The Problem for his wife.

 

[Katy]

I know everyone has theories about denial and executive function, and I'm sure both of those contribute, but do you think it might be a love language issue too?  Like maybe acts of service is on his list, rather than quality time or meaningful conversation.  It's possible it doesn't occur to him that sitting with her is more important than all these little projects that may or may not help her.

[El...]

Have you read Anna Karenina lately? Remember when Lenin's wife, Kitty, knew what to do at a deathbed when he had no emotional resources to handle the situation? Obviously you're dealing with aging,  not death, but still.  It was my favorite part of the book. I think that book comes from a very masculine point of view, but that part was meaningful to me. 

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Katy said:

I know everyone has theories about denial and executive function, and I'm sure both of those contribute, but do you think it might be a love language issue too?  Like maybe acts of service is on his list, rather than quality time or meaningful conversation.  It's possible it doesn't occur to him that sitting with her is more important than all these little projects that may or may not help her.

Not really. It is true he is an Acts of Service person, but that’s exactly what he was somewhat ducking out of.  When he couldn’t get the rails on the toilet because it’s wrong for our toilet shape, he was behaving as if she probably doesn’t even need them; i.e., he was trying to go with avoidance. He didn’t know or had forgotten that two years ago, before anyone was using toilet rails, she fell in the bathroom and busted her head. That’s why that sibling put in the rails! She needs this aid. I said something like, “Well, we need to find rails that work.” And he snapped back, “Fine! Look all over for rails that work!” (He was obviously not even thinking about ordering on-line as an option.) 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

I haven’t read all the posts.  But I’ll say this:  these are shark-infested waters.  It is really hard to find clarity and wholeness.  
i am not in exactly this situation but close enough. Ok?   

mother love is strong and good.  Marriage live is strong and good.

Sometimes I think it is too much for men to figure out. At least on the fly. (Same in reverse re daughter/husband/father from time to time.).

Maybe it is a time to trust words and not feelings and ride it out.  And I also believe that the love of a don for a mother transfers to a wife in time, at least in relatively healthy men.  
❤️

Thanks for that - shark-infested waters is a good description. 

I think, if I can beg the Hive’s indulgence, I’ll just come back to this thread throughout the month when it’s getting to be too much. 

He did a good job overnight last night. Our bedroom is on the second floor, but he’s put up an air bed in the sunroom because it’s near to the converted living room/music room where her bed is set up. I did hear her get up four times last night and I heard him respond. On one occasion, she was “lost” and didn’t remember the way to the bathroom. In a way, I’m glad for him to witness such moments because perhaps it helps him see she really does need considerable oversight. 

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Garga said:

Sometimes I think my abilities to do all the EF things that neurotypical people can do, cause my dh and ds17 (who both have ADHD) to have self-doubt and a lack of confidence in themselves around me. I’m not being mean to them or anything, but I’m simply able to do things in a way that they’re not, and they notice it.  I think it intimidates them on some level.

I’ve also noticed that when I indicate that something is too much for me to handle on my own, they’re happy to jump in. They brighten up at the thought that they’re needed.

The next time you notice your dh giving up too soon and wanting you to solve the problem, you can ask him for his help and let it kind of hang in the air.  Like, “Dh! We’ve got to get those rails in for Mom.  But there are jut so many choices on Amazon and I just don’t know which one to pick. Which ones do *you* think we should get?”  

You don’t have to lay it on thick. Just simply ask him for his advice instead of taking it over for yourself. And instead of saying, “How about this rail...how about that rail?” turn the laptop toward him and gesture at all the choices and let him be the one to scroll through and figure it out.  Let him take over and be The One With The Answer.

I think it’s hard to be the person without good EF, living with someone who has good EF, because it’s inevitable that the person without good EF will feel like a screwup around the person with the good EF, so they don’t even try anymore.  Asking for direct help on specific issues won’t solve all your mental load problems, or help your dh deal with the new reality about his mom, but you could push a bit of the problem solving off to him (like the above about the rails.). 

It feels a little manipulative, but saying the words, “I don’t know what to do...what do *you* think we should do,” is what works in my house. My dh tends to quickly pick up the slack when he feels like he is the Solver Of The Problem for his wife.

 

I think you’re right about how he probably feels when I display my competence. 

With the rails, in the moment my main goal was to de-escalate his frustration and find rails that work. He did not even think of Amazon as a possibility at that moment. I think he was remembering when his father was sick in the 90s and you had to go to medical supply stores to get such things. And if they didn’t have the correct thing in stock, you could order it for shipment - in six weeks! (God, I love the internet!) 

The funny thing about your example is that I did think I was letting him solve the problem because my true impulse would be to jump on Amazon, search for our type of toilet and order something - boom, done! The fact that I showed him choices and said, “Would this work? How about this? Is this a good one?” already is me backing off and letting him solve the problem. 😂 

Obviously, I bring my own neurotic behavior to this situation; I don’t mean to sound like it’s only his issues and surely not any of mine. I know I’m a control freak perfectionist who absorbs other people’s stress in a negative way and who can’t understand why others people just don’t do the right thing. Heh. Self-awareness is a good thing. 

[Annie G]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

 

Obviously, I bring my own neurotic behavior to this situation; I don’t mean to sound like it’s only his issues and surely not any of mine. I know I’m a control freak perfectionist who absorbs other people’s stress in a negative way and who can’t understand why others people just don’t do the right thing. Heh. Self-awareness is a good thing. 

This really rings true for me and I don’t exactly how how to fix it.   So if you figure out how, do enlighten me. I have grown leaps and bounds in the ‘why don’t other people do the right thing’ but absorbing their stress in a negative way is where I struggle. 

[Valley Girl]

14 hours ago, Quill said:

It’s not really like that, though. I mean, he knows what tasks are to be done and we will have additional help, both an occasional nurse and relatives coming by way of sign-up genius. I think more of it is he doesn’t think she needs as close oversight as I do and/or it sort of freaks him out or bothers him and he wants to avoid it. 

For instance, we have known she was coming for several weeks. There were tasks I suggested we had to accomplish: fitting the shower with a hand-held, getting the toilet rails, getting an audio monitor so we could hear her, etc. It just annoys me because he wasn’t doing anything about these tasks. I had to question him about putting in the shower hand-held. (He’s a plumber!) i was like, “When are you installing the hand-held?” He says, “Uuuugh, I’m not sure.” I said, “Is there a reason why not today?” He contemplated...”No, there’s really no reason I can’t today.” And so on. It’s nice he finally got it done but just...why do I have to bug him about it? Just frustrates me. It’s his mom, he should be breaking his brain on anything that might make this more feasible. 

And one minute ago, my phone alerted me with a reminder to give her her PM medicine and do her oxygen monitor. 🙄 I just wish it was on *his* phone...

Maybe I'm off base here and obviously every family's dynamic is different, but if it were me, I'd just accept that I was the best person to handle the medication reminders, to do lists. etc. Regardless of what "should" be, some things just are--in our home at least. I've had to reach that point of acceptance for my own sanity. (Definintely not saying you have to do the same. I just don't have the energy to tilt at windmills anymore.) I'm quite sure there are many things my DH carries that burden of that he wishes I would share, too. But as far as your DH and spending time with his mom, if companionable conversation isn't his thing for whatever reason, could they spend time watching a movie together in the evening so you get a break from being on duty? Can he play board games or cards with her? Having something to do together makes conversation a little easier. And it still counts as time spent.

Good luck. You are a very compassionate and loving daughter-in-law.

[sassenach]

Sometimes I just picture my dh as his child self and take a minute to think of all he’s been through and overcome in his life. That gives me a whole load of grace to draw on when I can see him sticking his head in the sand/reverting to his FOO self. I’m there to bridge the gap between the boy he was and the man he is.