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Arctic Mama

Renamed - Grant’s thread, updated post 527

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I keep thinking of Grant's brothers and sisters and AM having to tell them.

I'm so sorry, Taryl, about everything and especially praying for your other kids this morning, their loss and how they didn't get to meet their baby brother.

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I'm so very sorry for your loss, Taryl. Your family is in my prayers. Love to you all.

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2 hours ago, unsinkable said:

I keep thinking of Grant's brothers and sisters and AM having to tell them.

I'm so sorry, Taryl, about everything and especially praying for your other kids this morning, their loss and how they didn't get to meet their baby brother.

Just did that.  It was terrible.

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I am so sorry, Taryl. What a difficult time for you and your family. I wish I lived near you to help. ((( )))

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1 minute ago, Arctic Mama said:

Just did that.  It was terrible.

 

I was just praying for you and your husband about this. It would be so hard to do.  Please know we are covering you in prayer as you just do the next thing.  The Lord sees your pain.

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57 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Just did that.  It was terrible.

Oh, my heart hurts for you and them. 

Does the hospital have a social worker or someone that can provide resources for them and you regarding grief counseling? I'm sure they will grieve too and may benefit from someone they can talk to about it who isn't also grieving, if that makes sense. Not to add to your plate, just a thought that the social worker there may be able to handle arranging it or getting info for you, so you don't have to do it. 

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 I prayed for you and your family about a hundred times throughout the night last night.  I am just heartbroken for you all.  

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1 hour ago, Arctic Mama said:

Just did that.  It was terrible.

(((((hugs)))))  For you and for all of them.   There just aren't any words that are adequate really

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1 hour ago, Arctic Mama said:

Just did that.  It was terrible.

I’m so very sorry. That is one of the hardest tasks to ever have to do. I wish there was some magical way to keep you from all the hard journey ahead. If you ever need to “talk” to someone, I am a willing ear. Whatever you do, don’t do like I did and think you have to present some picture of “strength” if it isn’t your reality. Find a safe person who can hear without judgement. If you can’t find someone like that IRL (though I surely hope you can), feel free to message me. I don’t have any answers but I do have a heart full of compassion. 

 

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2 hours ago, Arctic Mama said:

Just did that.  It was terrible.

 

My heart breaks for them too.  I am so sorry.  I am sending some prayers to your children.  

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The Lord loves your family so much. There isn't much anyone can say that will make it not hurt. We are all very saddened by your loss. Holding your family up in prayer. 

 

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Thank you everyone.  Really.  Nothing makes this easier but I every single one of you has made me feel less alone in this, and that matters.  I’m stuck between moments of feeling better and normal and then moments of remembering and crumbling all over again.  Night time has been particularly hard, because I can’t just keep moving and stay busy.  
 

They recorded his heartbeat on a bear in the NICU and I’m pretty sure that qualifies as emotional nuclear warheads when it comes to stabbing me right in the feels.  We need to swing back by the NICU and pick up his foot and hand molds and the flash drive of edited pictures too, but I don’t really know how to walk in there and not just collapse.  Today is site picking day for the grave as well, which I’m in denial about but we will do anyway.

 

We did update the blog with florist and donation information - every one of you who already donated, thank you.  I don’t know whether we are completely done at this point or not, we are making no permanent fertility decisions, but with the specter of HELLP/Pre e hanging over me with every baby it makes finding a cure or workable treatments to safely prolong these pregnancies very much in the forefront of my mind.  Two of my children now have been profoundly affected by these hypertensive disorders of pregnancy, and I pray nobody else ever has to go through that. More research needs to happen.

Edited by Arctic Mama
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Oh, T, that's so hard. So not fair. I will keep praying for you. 

 

It's okay if you fall apart. You don't need to have it all together. 

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Thank you for the update.  Can you send a family member or friend to pick up the items from the NICU?  

We are just finishing up Anne of Green Gables as a family, and a beloved character has just died.  Anne says how strange it is that life just... goes on.  I imagine you are also feeling a lot of that.    I don't even know you, and I find myself stopping throughout the day and thinking, "A mother has lost her child.  And yet here is life, just continuing." and being struck with that thought.  You and our other boardie who lost her child while you were struggling with Benjamin are both in my heart.  

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Send a friend to go pick up the items from the nicu. They will be happy to do it. 
 

(((hugs))) and prayers to you

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So deeply, deeply sorry for your loss.  You’re in my thoughts, and heart.

 

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@Arctic Mama, for the grave site, I don’t know if this info helps you, but this is what we did. We chose a plot adjacent to my FIL’s grave and bought two plots and a headstone that eventually includes dh and myself.  They can bury babies above/in the same plot as an existing or eventual adult because the casket is so tiny. 

I remember staggering through these decisions in a daze. It was the furthest thing from something I ever thought I would decide. 

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Taryl, I usually pop in here on weekends mostly to catch up. I was thinking you were still in the hospital, knitting.

I hurt for you. For the fact that this kind of sorrow and pain hit your family. We can express our love and care here but I do hope you have someone IRL who sits with you, even just to hold your hand while you grieve.

 

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(((((((Hugs for you and your family)))))))

 

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Peter went in and got the flash drive, the plaster was still curing.  We are really happy with the baby garden section of the cemetery, it’s nice and the space is distinct for each child and marker.  Some of the facilities here have more of a ‘mass grave’ feel to them and we just didn’t want that.  It’s like, he can’t leave more of a physical mark on the world like the rest of us can, so it’s important we are able to have real, tangible space for him.  I’m not a big memorial person so I’ve been surprised to feel this way, but it’s going to be a good, proper spot with a good sized, proper marker, even though he is a very little guy.

 

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6 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Peter went in and got the flash drive, the plaster was still curing.  We are really happy with the baby garden section of the cemetery, it’s nice and the space is distinct for each child and marker.  Some of the facilities here have more of a ‘mass grave’ feel to them and we just didn’t want that.  It’s like, he can’t leave more of a physical mark on the world like the rest of us can, so it’s important we are able to have real, tangible space for him.  I’m not a big memorial person so I’ve been surprised to feel this way, but it’s going to be a good, proper spot with a good sized, proper marker, even though he is a very little guy.

 

It's awful to have to make such a choice, but I am glad you have found something you are happy with.   

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7 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Peter went in and got the flash drive, the plaster was still curing.  We are really happy with the baby garden section of the cemetery, it’s nice and the space is distinct for each child and marker.  Some of the facilities here have more of a ‘mass grave’ feel to them and we just didn’t want that.  It’s like, he can’t leave more of a physical mark on the world like the rest of us can, so it’s important we are able to have real, tangible space for him.  I’m not a big memorial person so I’ve been surprised to feel this way, but it’s going to be a good, proper spot with a good sized, proper marker, even though he is a very little guy.

 

That will honor your sweet boy very well.  He may be small, but his impact and his mark are big.

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33 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Peter went in and got the flash drive, the plaster was still curing.  We are really happy with the baby garden section of the cemetery, it’s nice and the space is distinct for each child and marker.  Some of the facilities here have more of a ‘mass grave’ feel to them and we just didn’t want that.  It’s like, he can’t leave more of a physical mark on the world like the rest of us can, so it’s important we are able to have real, tangible space for him.  I’m not a big memorial person so I’ve been surprised to feel this way, but it’s going to be a good, proper spot with a good sized, proper marker, even though he is a very little guy.

 

That makes complete sense to me. 

I remember thinking I wanted my baby near her grandfather so she would be “surrounded by family.” It isn’t logical but it felt like something I needed. 

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I am so, so sorry for your loss and deep grief. I have personally experienced the pain that you are feeling. The grief does get some better as the years pass, but the saying is not true -- time does not heal all wounds. And that's okay; we wouldn't want our babies to be forgotten by their mothers.  That would be even more sad, I think.

A dear, elderly friend of mine had been a wife and mother while still a young teen. When she was in her eighties she spoke of her baby who had passed away, and she told me, "... if only I could hold him in my arms one more time..."

I feel that my sweet friend, who has now passed, is now holding her child in her arms. Remember that David said of his child that passed, "I will go to him." I hope that this thought of a future time of reconciliation will bring you some small comfort. You and your family are in my prayers.

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I am so very sorry for you and your family. 

May Grant’s memory shine on. 

HELLP/eclampsia sucks. I had my HELLP baby 18 years ago and can’t believe advances have not been made. Too little is still understood. 

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I'm so heartbroken for you, your husband, and your sweet babies at home.  I understand the grief of knowing that science isn't fast enough to save your family. Please take care of yourself.  I hate that you have to push through all of these horrible tasks over the next few days.  It's just not right.

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6 hours ago, Arctic Mama said:

We are really happy with the baby garden section of the cemetery 

It sounds lovely. 

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What a mark he made on the world! Think of us, in all the places WTM reaches, and know his little hands held all the corners of this world for a time.❤

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